Hi, it's Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review-- sorry it took so long!!
There's not much to say, honestly-- I think your first chapters could use some tightening up, and the nail subject is a bit overused, but Seren is endearing and temperamental, and your characterisation of Rabastan is really nice-- so many stories don't have that kind of comic relief and it's lovely to see it come from such an unexpected source.
All together, a great job-- please re-request next chapter, I'd love to see where this ends up!!
♥AiAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review! I'm really glad you liked Seren and Rabastan. I like the idea of having some comedy amongst the potential death eaters. Surely not all of them are major stiffs, right? I'll be sure to re-request! thanks again! Report Review
I really liked this story, so sorry-- not a very long review.
You have an excellent way of slowly revealing why she's going to die-- at first, it's like she's going to kill herself, maybe because of Scorpius/Christina, but then it becomes clearer why and how. The unrequited love bit of it also comes off nicely-- not corny, but true.
I like really unusual stories like this-- keep up the great work!
-AiAuthor's Response: Haha, thanks for the review! I don't mind if it's short, I really appreciate the feedback I'm getting, it's so helpful!
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and true, I like the unusual stories too ;) I need to read more of them(:
Thanks again! x Report Review
Hi, this is Aiwe Saito from the forums.
I really like this. I feel like you've characterized Ron quite well-- and he's a lot more difficult than I think most people realize, because there's a sort of balance you have to strike between goofy and heartfelt and blockheaded, and it comes through very well here.
The only thing I would say is to work on the part about football-- it just comes off as campy instead of a missing parallel between Muggle Britain and the Wizarding World.
But your mechanics are pretty good, a couple of errors here and there but nothing to be worried about.
Author's Response: Thank you for getting back to me! I'm fixing the "football" thing ;P Report Review
Hi, you asked for a review from me quite a while ago, and I'm here to finally give it to you.
I see a lot of potential but a lot of problems.
First of all, the story is very cliche-- which is fine, in a way, cliches are cliches because they make sense, but this one kind of encompasses too many-- the Mary-Sue, the Sister, The Chosen One, the Special Abilities, and probably the Forbidden Romance, am I right? Now I have used several of these cliches over time, and been pleased with the results, but I think the trick is to not have such a concentrated dose.
Also, and although this is a purely cosmetic thing, the impact is huge-- pleasepleasePLEASE use the return button after every quote/ single person's dialogue;
'How are you?'
It just makes it cleaner, and when you have those giant blocks of paragraph it just makes me want to skip over it and therefore miss the relevant parts of the information.
You were a little rushed in the beginning, I think, but just remember to take your time-- even though we know the characters, we can't forget the value of an old fashioned exposition.
So, suggestions: Give Lily some faults. Besides hot-headedness or insecurity, unless it's to an extreme. Use the return key. Decide what kind of person she is (and although it's early, I, as the reader, should still be able to identify what sort of person she is, the same way you have a decent idea of a person after a week or two.)
Still, though, you've settled into a nice sense of rhythm, and have some great ideas-- it's just the execution that's a little shaky.
AiAuthor's Response: Well Lily isn't going to be a Mary-Sue I know it seems that way at first but I haven't really gotten into her actual powers yet but she isn't actually a Mary-Sue in any way. Thanks for the review :). Report Review
I don't really know what to say about this story.
It's quite good, has a lot of potential-- it needs some cleaning up, just another read through to catch everyday mistakes.
I think my problem with this story is the big chunky paragraphs of description-- and that's a personal thing, I've always had a preference for dialogue-heavy stories; so I'm a bit inadequate in terms of reviewing this.
It's definitely a great idea-- I love that someone has taken what we now know to have been the Grey Lady/Bloody Baron's story and expanded on it, and you did a great job of conveying her own pettiness but still letting the reader feel her pain. Although she's kind of the bad guy, you still like her.
The only big thing that I would say is to expand on the scene where the Bloody Baron kills her. It's the turning point of the story and, whether you intended it or not, gets (what seems like) barely a nod. I understand wanting to understate it, but even just putting it in a new paragraph, just to underline it a little more, you know?
That's pretty much it-- just that bit and then cleaning it up.
(I noticed "Wit beyond measure is manís greatest treasure,í not from where Iím standing, or should I say sitting." I think this little tidbit is excellent, but a) you don't say why Helena's sitting for a while, which I think needs to be said, and b) it would be so much more dramatic if you changed it to "Wit beyond measure is manís greatest treasure," but I never saw it--not from where Iím standing...or should I say, sitting." That's a personal preference, though.
All in all, not a bad story at all, good work. :]
-AiAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate the time you've taken to write such an expansive review. I'm definitely going to read through it again and try to catch some of the mistakes you've pointed out.
I tend to like dialogue heavy stories too, I have absolutely no idea where this one came from but I just started writing it and I can see what you mean about the chunky paragraphs, they can be a bit of an eyesore when you're trying to read.
I'll probably push this one to the side for a while and once it's completely out of my mind I'll read it through again so I can see it from a fresher view and I will definitely try to clean it up a bit.
Thanks so much for reviewing! Alex. Report Review
Hmmm... I've never been a big fan of this pairing (in fanfiction anyway), but I'll review it the best I can.
Your characterisation makes sense, but there's still something missing, I think. The switch between points of view is confusing, and makes readers focus more on the switch than the person's feelings. I know it's a bit late to switch now, but perhaps keep it to one or two points of view in large segments before switching, or using Remus or Tonks' POVs only, and switching to third person omniscient when dealing with the actions of other characters.
Also, there's some grammar issues that I noticed-- words being misused (i.e 'consistent' instead of 'constant' or 'persisting', when Runcorn talks about Tonks-centred dreams), some dialogue mechanics errors, little stuff. However, that little stuff can sometimes be the deciding point for whether or not to read a story, so you do have to be careful. My suggestion would be a beta-- one with a good foundation in grammar or spelling would clean all that up in no time.
So, final verdict-- by no means a bad story, in fact I think it could be a very good one, but it needs a little work, some polishing up. Keep going though; I see a lot of potential in this.
With Luck and Love,
Ai (from the forums) Report Review
Ok. So here's the deal.
You have a nice little gem here-- but it's very uncut. You have some tense problems, and a few issues with word usage (you know what they mean, but you use the wrong conjugation or participle etc). This really takes away from your story, which is unfortunate, because I think this has real potential.
Also, you need to reign in your verbosity a little. There's just too many adjectives floating around; it makes it difficult to understand and also makes it sound a little silly. Yes, description is good-- but I don't need three different descriptions of the same thing that MEAN the same thing, you know?
Ex: "When she was a foot away, the shadows turned clear and she was looking into a dark and richly furnished room. She knew the place, would have recognized it with the rich mahogany walls and the thick, deep blue rugs."
Using the word 'rich' twice is redundant, and it takes away from the meaning of the word. So is 'knew' and 'recognized', but I do that sometimes too, and it turns out all right. So, instead, why not try ' When she was a foot away, the shadows cleared, showing a dark and richly furnished room. She knew the place; recognized the navy rugs and mahogany furniture.'
And so on and so forth. So, final verdict: I LOVED the characterisation, but you need to work on cleaning it up, basic grammar, Subject-Verb and Tense agreements, little things like that, because it just gets tiring reading pieces that aren't spot on in those areas.
Nice job though, overall.
-Ai (from the forums)Author's Response: Wow. Thank you very much for the very useful feedback. I really appreciate it. I will go back through and try and clean it up a bit. Report Review
Hey, It's me from the forums... sorry it took such a long time, but here I am anyway.
There's really not much to say, you've done a great job. I'm not really sure where you're going with this... the last couple of chapters feel a bit funny, like you don't really know what to do so you're running in circles, but I'm sure you've got a plan.
Well, I wish I could say more to you after making you wait so long, but you've done well enough that I have nothing much to say. Keep up the good work!
9.5/10 (First one ever!)
♥AiAuthor's Response: Oh, it's okay. It's summer after all.
Running in circles. I think the reason you see it as that is because I'm taking it slow here, slowly letting Lily adjust to the situation, because I surely know where I'm going. Thank for the honest review! Report Review
Hi, It's Aiwe Saito from the forums!
Ok, so here's the deal. I really like the plot- it's strong, and it's something that you can add a lot of layers to and still make it true to the original idea. However, especially in the first chapter, you had a bunch of different people speaking in the same paragraph, which created some confusion, I think; there were also quite a few grammatical errors there; theyve been ironed out in this chapter, so good job on that, but I would definitely recommend a spell-check/read-over.
I feel like your dialogue is strong, and while some of it's a little cliche, you've written it well-- I just feel like if you put it in the more widely recognized paragraph-per-dialogue format and fixed some spacing issues, it would make the piece much more finished seeming.
Overall, good story; just keep what I said in mind.
7/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Hi, it's me, Aiwe Saito from the forums! Sorry I took so long, life's been a little overwhelming lately.
Ok, so first of all, I really adore Oliver Wood/OC stories; like, a lot. I think you did an excellent job with his character when he's on the pitch and in practice, but I feel like there were some moments (more towards the beginning though, so you've definitely improved) where he just seems a little OOC-- and I'm sure that writing him in normal situations is difficult, because of the fact that in the books, almost all the interactions are on the pitch. I think part of it is that he kind of hates her in the beginning (or at least that's the impression he gives) and then all of the sudden he switches gears, and becomes friendly-- that just seems a little sketch to me.
I do like that you showed the cultural differences between Britain and Canada--although I'm not sure yet, is she actually FROM Canada, or did she just go to school there?
Anyway, it doesn't REALLY matter- great story, a couple of rough patches and some mechanics problems, but overall nice work.
8/10Author's Response: Gah, sorry it took so long to respond - RL does take priority, doesn't it? ;)
Okay, I'll definitely work on the OOC stuff. Yeah, I guess it's true, in the books we're not really given all that much insight into his character off the pitch. I really adore Oliver/OCs too :) If you find any amazing ones, gimme a shout; always on the lookout for new ones :)
Cody just went to school there, although there are some family connections etc. that will be explored later on.
Thanks for the feedback! Report Review
Hi, it's Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get here, prom and water polo has been taking up all my free time lately.
Ok, so this story is fantastic, really. There's kind of a connected disconnect between her train of thought and the reality of the whole thing, and I think you've done a great job of writing the I-don't-think-I'm-crazy type of crazy.
Just a couple grammar mistakes, nothing a little read-over won't fix-- also, I just wanted to point something out to you (and it might just be me); you know where you say that her first detention is for setting the dungeon on fire? How does she go from tipping over cauldrons to starting a fire? Was it the red-hot potions from the cauldron? I can pretty much picture the scene, but I feel like just a little more clarity would really make that paragraph pop.
Stellar job-- please do post when you update, I'd like to see where this goes.
♥-AiAuthor's Response: I was thinking she became interested in the flames underneath the cauldron, heating it up, and then with a few wand waves the flames jumped higher and higher, spreading across any paper/other flammable items in the room. I'll definitely look the scene over and see what I add in there =]
Thanks so much for the review! I'll be sure to post when I update (which hopefully won't be too long).
Thanks again! *hugs* Report Review
Hi, it's Aiwe Saito, here for your requested review!
Really great story, I have to say; although I think it would have been better if you had wrote the other two first instead of doing it in medias res. Also, we still don't really know who the Watch is-- and I'm not sure if you want us still to not know, but I would suggest letting that cat out of the bag pretty soon, because otherwise people are going to get tired of asking that same question over and over (I'm having the same type of problem with my own story).
You're a fantastic writer, I'm just not sure about what's going on-- but it's still quite early, so there's plenty of time to de-confuse. And it might also just be me, for that matter. :P
Excellent job overall- a few grammar errors, but nothing to be concerned about. Please do post when the next chapter comes out, I'm interested to see where this is going.
♥-Ai Report Review
Hi, this is Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review!
Ok, so first things first; what's Clyde's last name? First it's Rogerson or something, and then in chapter two it's Matthewson, so I figured you changed it and just forgot to write that. Also, although I know you said that you didn't want to use British terms (and I definitely understand where you're coming from there), I think it would be better if you didn't use American slang, either, you know? Just to kind of standardize it.
Also, here, 'The whole time I was reading, I was thinking about if people really do that.' (way back in chapter one), I was a little confused. If people really do what? What's in the paper? so just some clarification there I think would be good.
Ok, so now the fun stuff; really great job. He's got such a strong voice, and I feel like you made his addiction sound so much more believeable, which is definitely hard for me, as I'm in the same situation with my OC, so that was really fantastic.
You definitely have a way of drawing a person into the story, especially one as tension-filled as this one (I was only going to read four chapters, after all, and look how well that turned out). Your first person is excellent, and I thought that the actual moment in which Neville and Luna die was appropriately anti-climactic. You've got a definite rhythmic way of writing, and this story shows it off beautifully.
Great story overall, really. Yokudekimashita!
♥AiAuthor's Response: Thank you! I know I messed up his last name. What happened was that when I was writing the second chapter, I didn't realize I'd already given him a last name in the previous chapter. I'll get that cleaned up. I understand your point, but I can't say I agree with your suggestion to avoid using American slang. I think I would rather relate to a portion of the HP fans than to none at all. American slang is what I know, and I know no other way to write.
With that part, he's talking about what was done in the paper. People freaking out. Sorry you were confused.
Clyde is my favorite character, and I hope you enjoyed reading him. ^_^
Thank you so much for this great review. I really appreciate everything you have to say ^_^ Report Review
Hi, this is Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review!
Ok, so at the beginning of this story, I was trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say, and I think I've got it.
I feel like you know where you're going and the characters are well-developed, but you don't really know how to express what you mean. Like, for example, in the summary you say it's a special writing style, but if I'm a wizard in the pub, shouldn't I be addressed as 'you', so that it's like I'm in there with him?
Like I said before, I like the characters, and I think you've done a good job of allowing those pairings and all of the people themselves to just sort of be, so that you understand where they came from and what they've been through and how that's made them who they are. Unfortunately, there are a few off-putting grammar errorsm, but that might just be me and my OCD, and it's nothing a couple of thorough read-overs can't fix.
♥-AiAuthor's Response: thank you. I thought of redeploying as 2nd person but wasn't so sure. Never did that one. Everyone is established at this point in the anthology so I didn't want to re-invent the wheel so I don't really expound. At the very end you will see why it has it's uniqueness. Report Review
Hey, this is Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review.
Ok, so I'm not incredibly fond of J/L, and in the beginning of this story, I was a little concerned about some grammatical issues; but you've come a long way and I really like this story.
You've got this great way of drawing people into your universe, which is something that I think is normally sort of hard for a lot of people, so a really good job on that.
I really like Lily, and you did a fantastic job of showing her weaknesses but at the same time allowing that more perfect, Head-Girl mask that we've come to associate her with to be the same person.
Good job overall-- I just wish your first couple of chapters were as strong as these last two.
P.S. Please feel free to post when the next chapter is up, I' interested to see where this is going.
♥-AiAuthor's Response: Thanks for pointing that out, I'm already now in the process of editing the first chapter, working my way through it, so I hop eto find a few more things around.
Thanks a lot. I'm not sure how I draw people in, but sounds good! haha. I often come to write Lily like this, with two sides. I think it's because I love that weak side, which also happens to be the fun side, I think.
As said, I'll go through the chapters once again, working on it.
Thanks for that great review and taking your time! Report Review
Hi, this is Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review!
Ok, so here's the dealio.
I really like this story. I feel like you have a great plot line, and what you're saying pulls people in... but you just have this kind of awkward phrasing, especially in the first couple of paragraphs, and that's someplace that you really can't have it, you know what I mean? That first chapter, that first paragraph, it needs to be THE most on-it part, and there are some people who would see that and just click back; which is a pity, because I think it is an excellent story and you've definitely gotten better, strictly grammatically speaking.
On another note, I'm really impressed with your spot-on Fred and George; I personally struggle with writing them, so I know how hard they can be, but I feel like your interactions were just so natural; really great job.
Keep me posted on this; it's a great start and I'm excited to find out what happens next!
♥-AiAuthor's Response: thank you for letting me know and pointing those things out to me, really. I noticed I have the habit of doing. I sometimes write first then edit later and end up missing somethings. ^^;
Nevertheless, thank you for the great review! XD Report Review
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