Reading Reviews From Member: TwilightPrincess
296 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TwilightPrincessCliffhanger: Cliffhanger

22nd November 2014:
Wow, what an incredible story! I am SO pleased with the results of the Every Word Counts challenge. I had no idea it would turn into this big thing but it's great!

I love the distance the narrator has throughout the story. It adds to the eerie feeling overall because it makes it difficult for the reader to attach or connect with anyone in the story. That was a really smart choice!

I also love your opening couple of lines. I love when authors don't waste time getting to the important part. You opened with a strong image, which never left me for the duration of the story. Great job.

I like the way you subtly hinted that it was George by mentioning that Fred would be proud and by mentioning the Weasleys.

What I think I like the most about this is this notion of the Second War. I love that you thought about what effect the war would have had on the characters, and I love that you called it a second war. The grief and stress of the war is a battle all its own, and I'm really glad you decided to explore that.

Great job!


Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you for this review, it totally made my day. :D Especially as I wrote this for your beast of a challenge.

Thanks! I didn't have many words so I was forced to get right in to it. :P I thought I may as well start as I mean to go on.

Thanks a lot for your kind words, they are very encouraging.



 Report Review

Review #2, by TwilightPrincessfall.: fall.

21st November 2014:
Wow. This was an amazing story. I love that you repeated 'fall' a few times. It made me feel like I was looking at individual scenes. Which brings me to my next point of why I like the way this is written: you showed us just enough. You didn't dwell. You showed us important snapshots and let us fill in the rest for ourselves. THAT'S how you write. That's the secret to making the reader feel immersed, and you nailed it. You can't give the reader every single little piece--then the reader isn't doing anything. You gave us what you wanted us to see, and let us make sense of it on our own. It's brilliant.

I also really like the way you used dialogue sparingly in this piece--it made the lines themselves punch out a little more. In particular, I liked when he said, "I broke it off with her." You didn't have him draw it out. Actually, you didn't have either of them draw out their responses, which I really appreciate.

This story reads like a short film to me, which I think is fantastic.

By the end, I wanted to scream NO because Rose was being too nice and so she didn't get what she wanted! I like that you addressed the fact that their families are very close, and so to date your family member's ex-boyfriend would be uncomfortable. I like that you decided to have that be a point that stopped Rose from going for it, because it really is a huge deal. But is also tells the reader that she values her family more than her feelings for Teddy, which, taken a step further, tells us that she values others more than herself. And that, my friends, is how you write a sympathetic character.

You wrote an amazing piece and I truly enjoyed reading it. I look forward to reading more from you.

Would recommend.


 Report Review

Review #3, by TwilightPrincessHermione Granger and the Dead Man's Mark: Chapter One

20th November 2014:
Wow, this is impeccable work! Your writing style is very different from mine, but yours is the kind I admire most. I can tell that you have thoughtfully chosen each word in each sentence, and that you have arranged everything with care. I get the sense that this story has been a large project for you, and you have thought of everything. As a reader, I appreciate the fact that you make me feel like you know what you're doing. That may sound silly, but I mean it. Like I said, this style is vastly different from mine. I'm more of the splatter-paint method and I like to see what comes naturally spilling out of my brain and I keep the good stuff. But it seems like you are more of a careful, detail-oriented artist. I won't bother citing an example because literally every sentence is a beautiful piece of art. Excellent writing.

I like the theme of tattoos playing a major role in this story. I also think it's brilliant that the tattoo on the witch can move around her body. It's very clever and something I've never seen before but always wondered about. I also really liked The Marked Man's background, and as the title suggests, Hermione will have some connection to him which sounds very interesting.

This was a great start to your story. Please stop downplaying your writing by calling it long-winded or wordy. It's masterful.


Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for taking the time to review!
I'm very happy that you enjoyed the first chapter. Your compliments are very kind and generous. You are right, this story has been a very large project for me, both on the page and behind the scenes. I won't spoil anything, but the story later develops in a way that required a lot of beating my head against a wall trying to work everything out! Haha
It's funny to me that everyone seems to really enjoy the first example of a magic tattoo in the form of the black cat. It seemed a rather minor point when I wrote it, but I guess that goes to show that it's hard to predict which segments readers will gravitate towards. :)
If you do choose to read on, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. Please let me know what you think if you do.
As for downplaying my writing, I'm afraid it's a bit reflexive at this point. :) I'm rarely satisfied with my own work, so I guess I drag it through the dirt a bit more than I have to.
Thank you again!

 Report Review

Review #4, by TwilightPrincessHope: Hope

13th November 2014:
Hi! I just found this story randomly on the archives and decided to read and review!

This story was so thick and deep. I love it. I love that you decided to write about the moment immediately after the war. It seems like those kinds of moments are the ones movies and books skip over, but they are rich with emotion--real emotion, and I found myself connecting on a very human level with your characters. Because these moments are rarely depicted in media, I feel like when people encounter these situations in real life, they don't know what to do. So seeing characters in one of these moments is a great way to immediately connect with your audience because their reactions feel real.

You only had a couple of lines about Harry's attraction to Ginny, which I like. I am sure that one of the things on Harry's mind is finally being with Ginny after the terror of the war. Of course there are other more important issues at hand, like Fred's death, but I like that I could still feel Harry's internal conflict. You didn't dwell on it, but I could feel the tension within harry about his competing wants. That's good writing.

I also really like that the theme here is that friendships and close bonds facilitate hope in times of need. I find that very touching, and not overstated here.

I really enjoyed this piece. Thank you for writing it. :)

 Report Review

Review #5, by TwilightPrincessThe Girl Who Was Not Afraid: Not Afraid

18th August 2010:
Hi! Thanks for requesting =)

This certainly was an interesting story. It was a weird plot, but I think it worked well. I like that you took a new approach to Harry seeing Ginny in trouble. Most authors write about the Final Battle or something similar, and I like that you took us to a new place. I must admit that I was very intrigued by your banner. It made me wonder what could possibly be happening in this story that would call for massive amounts of water and a floating girl. You showed me just that! And it was plausible - I don't know what "Rogue Death Eaters" means, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt there. For the sake of the story, it had to be so.

I'm wondering how Ron had time to write a note to Harry if he was trying to save Ginny from this water bubble. I like the wording of it, though. Because Ron mentioned Ginny in trouble, Harry was sure to get there as fast as he could.

The writing was a little bit off in some spots, though. For example, this line: "I have to save her. She's my soulmate, god damn it, she can't leave me now." First of all, soul mate is two words. Secondly, I can't imagine anyone thinking these words in such a serious situation. It read like a parody, actually. It took me out of the drama of the story.

I like that you had Harry so broken up about Ginny's death, but I wish you would have gone further. He was trying to keep it together in front of Ron, but I wanted to see what he REALLY felt. I wanted to see him break down like he wanted to. Don't be afraid to go further.

Also, I thought you sort of rushed Harry out of the situation when he should have stayed to console Ron more. Ginny was his love, of course, but Ron is still his best friend. Harry wouldn't leave him alone like that. And I didn't care for the line, "Hey, Ron, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go." Really? Your lover is laying there dead in front of you, your best friend is broken and upset, and you say, "I'm just gonna go"? It doesn't make sense.

Ultimately, this was a very moving piece in a unique environment. Congratulations on writing an original scene! It was very interesting. Keep up the good work and have fun ^-^


Author's Response: Thank you for leaving such an in-depth review!

Hmm, I see what you mean about those lines. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but I'll definitely see if I can rework those bits. Thanks for pointing that out! And I was trying to go for more of a Harry-shocked feeling, but I do see what you mean. When I rewrite, I'll see if I can make it more... emotional, I suppose.

Thank you so much for the helpful review. It means a lot. (:

 Report Review

Review #6, by TwilightPrincessThe Bell Chimes: The Bell Chimes

18th August 2010:
Wow. This was really a remarkable piece. I love how the whole thing seemed to be like a series of montages. You kept the narration distant, which made it seem like I was watching everything among the characters from far away. I rather liked the effect. I think it added to the ongoing theme of the two of them forgetting the world and coming together. They distanced themselves to the world, and the narration was distant from them. That was brilliant.

I love the idea of the elevator dinging every time it hits a new floor. It's odd - I'd never thought of that sound as a bell chiming, but putting it in those terms makes it more elegant, more Hermione-ish, if that makes sense. It dignified the relationship between Hermione and Draco. That was a nice touch. And how romantic to have a moment in the elevator. There is a certain raunchiness that comes with that, but, like I said, your referring to the dinging of the elevator as a bell chiming gives it a more classy feel. Your writing took a situation that I would see as raunchy and turned it classy. How did you do that? It's amazing.

While you did an excellent job explaining Hermione's reasons for seeking out Draco after the final battle, I simply can't see her doing that at all. You said that she had the need to fix people, but I don't think Hermione would care enough about Draco to make sure he was okay after the battle. I certainly can't believe that she would skip seeing Harry and Ron immediately afterward to go find Draco. At times like this, I remember when he called her a Mudblood. Hermione is a smart girl - she wouldn't forget that. As far as writing goes, you covered your bases well. I'm not saying that you didn't do your job in trying to convince me. You did a great job with explaining Hermione's reasons for doing what she did. As a reader, I wouldn't buy it any day, no matter how beautiful the writing was, which it was.

Great job! Keep up the good work and have fun ^-^


Author's Response: Wow... thank you for such a thorough and thought provoking review :D I do so love when someone unpicks things and makes me think. I wanted to create this other world in the elevator... where social norms don't dictate the way people act and there is a sense of unreality.

As for the whole idea of Hermione going to find Draco, I can see where you're coming from. In canon, we know that she would not. But like all Dramione shippers, I have faith :P I think there are a few important points though... firstly that we don't really know what is lurking in Hermione's mind... because our perceptions in canon are governed by Harry's view. And as for this story, well Draco did save her life and I think that for Hermione, that would mean something far more than prejudice

Anyway I'm rambling, but as I said... I love a review that makes me think... and all those kind words didn't go astray either lol. So thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and letting me know your thoughts. I really appreciate it :D

 Report Review

Review #7, by TwilightPrincessCrescendo: Crescendo

15th August 2010:
Hello =) Thanks for requesting.

I liked this as a one-shot. It worked really well as far as capturing one moment, emotionally and physically. When you were describing the sounds of the Great Hall, I could hear everything and it was getting to me, actually. I could be set in the scene automatically and I could sympathize with your character straight away.

With that said, I think you went on with those descriptions for too long. Or rather, you continued to describe noise on the same level - it didn't move. I didn't feel that Theodore was getting more and more bothered as the story went on. Because of that, it felt like it was moving slowly. That has nothing to do with the number of words, so don't feel that just because this is "short" it has to move at a certain pace. It has to do with the way your words work together and the way you move the story.

Another thing I didn't quite care for was how you gave attention to his character. To be honest, I don't care what his best attribute is or what his worst one is. For the purposes of your story, you were focusing on how he gets headaches when there is too much noise, so I would have liked to see you focus on the (if I may) crescendo of the sounds around him. Since that is the point of the story, it doesn't matter who he is. The only part of his personality I need to know is that he gets headaches because he can't take the noise. He likes quiet.

I really liked how at the end, you had him say that line about quieting the world. I saw an underlying problem there, and it actually scared me. I could see that as the beginning of Theodore wanting to literally silence the world. And because he's in Slytherin, I wouldn't put it past him to try. That was a really good choice and a great line. It was perfectly worded and it gave me shivers!

This is a really cool piece. I really enjoyed it! Keep up the good work and have fun! ^-^


Author's Response: Ilia,
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my fic and leave such a lovely detailed review. I'm sorry parts of it dragged on for you, but when I was writing it (and even now) I rather like the way its written. To me, its enough detail.

But thank you all the same and I'm glad you enjoyed it despite the overuse of description.

 Report Review

Review #8, by TwilightPrincessDirection: Direction

15th August 2010:
Hi there! Thanks for requesting. Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this.

I liked the first couple of paragraphs, specifically the first few lines. I love that you started off with the feeling of being alone in a crowd. That's something that a lot of people write about, but it's also something that everyone feels at one point or another. It was a great way to get my attention and set the mood. It was good that you recognized that it's a universally acknowledged feeling. That's smart writing; you captured me immediately and put me in the scene. I could feel your character's anxiousness in me. The first-person narration helped with that as well.

I like when authors use first-person to write stories like these, especially when the thoughts of the character are strong and important to the scene. However, you didn't get away from the info-dump at the beginning. I rather felt like I was being told a biographical essay of this person, except in a more casual tone. Let me get to know your character - don't tell me everything right off the bat. What fun is that? =P Meeting a new character is like meeting someone in real life for the first time. It takes a while for someone to get to know a person. You've got to get your feelers out and see what makes this person who he is. Writing should be the same. Let your readers meet your characters on a more personal level, and I think you'll have a much more enjoyable, realistic experience.

I love the repetition of the line, "You are Gordon Upstone, right? What the hell happened to you?" It was a great way to show that your character had really taken to heart what Harry had to say. And although Harry didn't say something like, "You look terrible," he'd said enough for me to know that your narrator was upset and disturbed. That's a really smart choice - your wording was subtle, but you still got the point across.

This was a really moving piece. It was uplifting to read about a character who had taken the wrong turn in his life but came back to the right path. It was also interesting to see that all he needed was a kick in the rear by an almost-stranger. That's another thing: I like that you had Harry be almost a nobody in this story, when in the series, he's the most important person there is. The focus wasn't on Harry for once, and I like that change of pace.

Great job! I also really love your title. Keep up the good work and have fun! ^-^


Author's Response: Hi Ilia! :)

I'm glad to hear the beginning pulled you in! The beginning is always one of the hardest parts, trying to decide where your character is right now and where they're going to go.

Aha, the info-dump is evident now that I've looked back. Spreading information throughout the text is something I tend to struggle with, but a particular reason it was (possibly) worse this time was because *I* had no idea who my character was, and wanted to find out in a rush. Your way of describing new characters is a neat way to look at it, though -- I'll definitely keep that in mind when I'm introducing characters in future!

I think the reason Harry's words had such an impact on him was because he was someone Gordon had always looked down upon, and now all of a sudden he realizes that he's in a situation similar to what Harry's was when they were younger. Harry *is* almost a nobody to him. I'm glad you liked that. :)

Thank you for the wonderful review, Ilia! The advice will stick in my mind, I'm sure. =]


 Report Review

Review #9, by TwilightPrincessStubborn: Chapter 1 of 1: Stubborn

11th August 2010:
That was so cute! I really loved this fic. Very nicely written. Precise and to-the-point, yet so full of passion. Great piece! Keep up the good work and have fun ^-^


 Report Review

Review #10, by TwilightPrincessHarry's First Christmas: One

7th August 2010:
Hey there! Thanks for requesting =)

This was so cute! And it's such an interesting, unique idea, too. I wonder what made you think of something like this. It's not often that I read a story about Harry as a baby. It's refreshing =)

I love the way you depicted the relationships between Harry and his parents, and Harry and the rest of the Marauders. This story actually really hit home because of the fate of his parents and Sirius and Remus. This is a happy, cute, fluffy story, but it's also a little bittersweet. I love that. It's an intricate web you've produced here, and it's really well done. It adds a whole other level of emotion - one that's between the lines. I love it.

The only thing I would say I didn't care for was the lack of emotion in the narration itself. It felt rather like reading an instruction manual, and it kept me from really getting into the story. I think you got caught up in sounding like a professional writer and you lost the emotion and passion in the story. For example: Snow continued to fall. James noticed Lily's hand dangling aimlessly to the side and grasped it in his. Feeling his hand on hers, Lily turned her head towards his and smiled, gazing into his eyes. I don't feel it here. I don't feel what's going on. I don't feel your passion about what you're writing. Don't worry too much about sounding like you know what you're doing - write the way you know how to write. Write what people can feel.

Overall, this was a very enjoyable story. I loved the idea =)

Keep up the good work and have fun ^-^


Author's Response: Hello, dear!

Honestly, I don't know what made me write this. As I said in my disclaimer, it was a Christmas gift for Rin and I wanted it to be something cute and heartwarming and this is what I came up with.

That was the idea; for it to hit home and remind us that what we have, won't last forever and to make each day count.

I usually try and write the way I know how, but sometimes I guess I force it out too much, eh? I'll see if I can't work on that better. :)

Thanks, Ilia. It's good to see you back! ♥

 Report Review

Review #11, by TwilightPrincessDo I Exist?: Do I Exist?

31st July 2010:
Hi! Thanks for requesting =)

I like the idea of this, but I think you could have taken it further. I was expecting a completely neglected girl, but that's not what you portrayed here. She does get recognition; just not the kind she wants. From what you've said about her here, the question "Do I exist?" doesn't really fit. I think that if you're going to give a story an extreme title, take your characters to that extreme as well.

The writing was nicely done. I like that you wrote it in first person. It was interesting to get inside the mind of the girl who perhaps doesn't exist. It was a cool effect. I also really like that you had Lily write articles about her family's private affairs. It ties in nicely with the "Do I exist?" theme - writing is the proof that someone existed. I thought that was a really nice touch.

Again, I just think it would have been much more effective if you had pushed her neglect further. When James and Albus received high grades, why should Harry and Ginny pay any attention to Lily at all? For someone who doesn't exist, even a "You'll just have to try harder" is too much attention. Do you understand my point?

I was very surprised to see that this was written loosely about yourself. I don't wish this fate upon anybody, but I'm saying that if you're too nice to your characters, you just have a flat story.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was sad and pulled at me a bit =(

Keep up the good work and have fun ^-^


Author's Response: Ilia! Thanks for taking the time to review!

Like I said, this was just an experiment for me, but I'm glad there were some points that you liked. I can see your point behind the title/Harry's and Ginny's recognition towards Lily, now that I look at it. I'll see what I can do to fix it when I have the time.

And the part about it being loosely around myself... My brothers and sisters have bigger lifestyles than I and it's just very hard to live up to their standards. It's just very hard all around. And the part about Harry and Ginny saying "You'll just have to try harder", that part wasn't apart of my life. I just threw it in there. My parents are very supportive of what I do.

Thank you again, dear! I'm glad you liked it! ^_^

I hope you are doing well! ♥

 Report Review

Review #12, by TwilightPrincessA Love Without End: A Love Without End

21st July 2010:
Hi there =) Thanks for requesting.

It took me a while to understand what was going on. I read it twice. It's not your fault; I missed the sentence that said whose funeral it was. Then I had to check the era and the characters and all of that. Then one more check for AU. Then I got it. XD

After I got past all of that, I found a really heart wrenching story. I usually don't care much for angst, but for some reason I could really feel this one. Something about a widower makes me sympathize. It's got to be a tough situation, especially for one with quite a few children. I like that you chose that setup for this story. It sort of forces Ron to grow up and be the man, because there is no one to clean up after him anymore. It's a somber situation.

There were a few things I didn't care for, though. These sentences: Fourteen was old enough to be strong and silent on the outside stoic. Fourteen was young enough to be shattered and dying on the inside broken. I don't care for the words 'stoic' and 'broken' being separated from the rest of the sentence. Either include them in the real sentences or just do the hyphenation once. To do the same thing twice lessens the effect.

Other than that, you did a great job. This fic was really well done. Lots of heart and soul. Great job =)

Keep up the good work and have fun ^_^


Author's Response: No, thank you for reviewing!

Sorry for the confusion at the beginning! I was purposefully a vague in my writing of this and was really relying on faith that people would catch who I was talking about. Perhaps I need to add something to the summary to help point readers in the right direction... Glad you got there eventually, though!

This is one of those stories that's been banging around in my brain for a long time, but it took forever to get out on paper. I knew I had to do it right or it would just be a mushy, sappy, ansty overload that would make everyone sick. HOPEFULLY, I managed to avoid that. And yes, I always wanted to show a Ron that was forced to really grow up, take charge, be a father. I tried it with the canon kids but it just didn't work. There needed to be more of them. Once I bucked the system and started writing with my own kids, it all came together nicely. I'm glad you thought that approach worked.

Thanks for the note about the sentences. I was trying for an emphasis by repetited style, but perhaps it came across as less effective instead of more as I had hoped. I always appreciate people's litterary suggestions as that helps to make me a better author.

Thanks again for such a great review. Left me smiling!

 Report Review

Review #13, by TwilightPrincessBringing Back Moony: Bringing Back Moony

21st July 2010:
Hi! Ilia here for your review. Thanks for requesting. =)

I really liked this. You have a way of setting scenes up for great things, and then you take them to placed beyond what I imagined. You really know how to get people to see and hear what you want them to. I could see this piece as a movie in my head, with sound effects and all. For example, when clowns were discussed and a red nose appeared on the nose of the werewolf, I heard a little squeak. How did you do that? Whatever you do, keep doing it. It's brilliant.

As a dream this worked beautifully. Have you seen Tim Burton's Big Fish? This piece reminded me of that film. There were lots of things that wouldn't normally work, but you kept with the same tone, so they did. It was sort of like "This is how it is, so you can deal." I love that. It shows that you are confident as a writer.

I especially love the bit at the beginning when Hermione asks, "What's wrong, Professor?" I love the way you handled that scene because it shows beautifully that when she asked that, Remus heard 'werewolf.'

The only thing I have a problem with is here: Loose the wolf suit, Moony, we have business to attend to, Lose. Loose is the opposite of tight.

This is a really great read. It's like a roller coaster ride through the mind of someone who has a serious mental illness. The pacing was great and the plot was fabulous. You should be proud.

Keep up the good work and have fun ^_^


Author's Response: Thank you so much! I haven't seen that movie, but I will check it out now. :D Loose! Gah, you know that is the WORST word I write. I think I always write it wrong, like every sinle time I do something. *goes to edit* Thank you for pointing that out!!

Thank you so much for your time and your kind words. So appreciated! --Jenna

 Report Review

Review #14, by TwilightPrincessThe First to Die: The First to Die

17th July 2010:
Ilia here for your review! Thanks for taking my challenge! I hope you had fun =)

You asked me to comment on the flow, which is very good. You have nothing to worry about in that respect. Every paragraph flowed nicely into the next. Even though it was punctuated by what I'm assuming are Tom's thoughts, the story made sense and it had good direction.

What didn't make as much sense, however, was the plot itself. The main character here is Tom Riddle - Voldemort - as a young boy, and he's going to kill his parents. Is that correct? That was my understanding. Also, I didn't think it was appropriate for him to be knocking on the door of the home he's intruding. If he's going to this home with the intention of killing its inhabitants, I doubt he would go through the motions of knocking first.

I liked the italicized thoughts that went on in Tom's head. They added a personal touch to the story, and I thought that was a good idea on your part. However, the punctuation at the end of them threw me. Sometimes you had commas - was your intention for the lines to continue? If that were the case, I suggest using ellipses instead. That way, it will be clear that there is something more to come.

Overall, this was a very interesting read. It was a nice snapshot of one moment in this person's life, and you wrote it very well. Keep up the good work and have fun!


Author's Response: Thanks for the great review!

I'm glad that you thought the flow was good, because I thought that the thoughts--yes, they're Tom's and they also double as the poem in the summary--connected it well.

Yes, it's Tom Jr. when he was around 16 killing his father and grandparents. I think that the knocking might be a Voldemort-pride-thing going on--and I also think that he wanted to take them by surprise. Had they answered the door, he would have AK'd them right then and there. I'll take another look at it, though, because I don't specifically remember writing it and there probably is something off about it.

I was just recently thinking about how off the punctuation is. Like you said, I'll either add ellipses or just cut the punctuation altogether.

Thank you again! I'm glad that you found it interesting. :)

 Report Review

Review #15, by TwilightPrincessInsert Witty Title Here: No One Keeps a Secret From Sirius Black

16th July 2010:
Hi! Ilia here. Thanks for being my first request =)

To be honest, Marauders era isn't my forte, and neither is humor. But I really think you did a great job with both. I'm not thrilled with the characterizations of Sirius or Remus, but I understand why you wrote them that way. Sirius, I thought, was a bit torn. You had him both as that in-your-face kind of guy and the sappy gay emotional guy, and it was a bit difficult to grasp. He wasn't consistent. I also didn't care for the Remus you portrayed here - he seemed to always be sighing around corners. Again, I know that you were trying to make him seem confused and worried and emotional, but I think it could have been done in a more manly way.

One of my biggest problems was with Sirius crying. I can't picture him crying at all, especially over something that is ultimately trivial like this. I liked it when he was angry and when he was yelling. That was very realistic. But to have him sitting on the floor, locked in a room, crying... it seemed really girly to me. Too much so.

The plot was really good. I loved the idea of it. Also, you did a great job of showing every event that happened in the time leading up to the turning point, which I thought was great. There were a few times, though, when you wrote in prose the way someone was looking at another character in hyphenated dialogue, it seemed. I would like to have seen it as more of a prose passage - more show.

The narration has me torn. I can't decide if I like the way this story is told or not. I'm definitely no expert on writing humor, but by the end, I wasn't impressed with the equations you wrote out. After a while, they were just tiring. Also, at the beginning when Sirius was trying to get to the correct spot in his story, that got old pretty quickly too. If you ask me, the thing about humor is it can't be overdone.

I love "Moonette." I thought that was clever. I also really loved the ending. I said, "Aww," to my computer screen. ^-^

You did a great job with first person, aside from the aforementioned humor critique, and the present tense flowed very nicely. You're a great writer, that's for sure. I can't say I agree with the way this story was told, but that's a personal preference.

Keep up the good work and have fun ^-^


Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. My goodness it was a long one too! I didn't expect that, thanks for all the time. You really don't see Sirius as a cryer? Awww, he always seemed kinda sappy to me, but yeah, it is one of those personal preference things.

I don't really understand the prose thing...I'm not exactly schooled in terminology. I will look it up though to see what you meant by that part.

I doubt I'll try my hand in humor again anytime soon, but I'll keep that in mind should I decide to. Thank you again for your time and your thorough critiques. :D --Jenna

 Report Review

Review #16, by TwilightPrincessNever Let Go: Promise

7th January 2010:
Hi! Thanks for requesting! I love reading entries for my challenge, as well, so this is a great treat for me ^_^

I haven't read many Hannah/Neville stories because I find it difficult to characterize the two of them in a way that makes the ship plausible. Neville has a little more of a defined character, but Hannah is basically just a name. She always is portrayed as the shy little girl, though, and that's what you have her as here.

I must admit that I was not impressed by your portrayals of Neville or Hannah. Hannah was the cliche damsel-in-distress, right down to the "Oh, Neville!" Whenever I read her speech, it sounded in a very high-pitched voice in my head, almost sounding like a mockery of a weeping, helpless girl. I know it's easy to fall into the cliches of something we've seen before or read before, or even something we WANT to see happen, but that's not always the best choice. I think in this instance, you and Hannah would have been better off if she didn't come off so helpless.

I'm a bit torn on Neville's characterization, though. After DH, I fell madly in love with him because he seemed to man up so fast. Here, you don't shy away from this transformation, which I like. I would hate to see another shy-guy-meets-shy-girl story, which is usually how Hannah/Neville stories go. However, if you had fallen as hard for Neville as I did, you were probably blinded by your love. The fangirl in me did a little flip when he came in there, covered in blood and sweaty and hot and holding that sword... And when you described him having callused hands when he kissed her, I died a little. That was nice. But still, it didn't seem like Neville. Yes, he'd had that man-up phase after DH, but I don't think it was THAT extreme. You made him seem like a superhero.

You did very well with the word constraint, though! It was really nice. You had just enough, I thought. Just enough description, just enough dialogue. Your word choice was crisp and precise, which is what I was trying to accomplish with issuing that challenge, so you did a nice job.

Thanks for requesting and taking my challenge!


Author's Response: Wow, what a helpful and insightful review well worth the wait! Now that I go back and look at it again, Hannah does seem a bit cliche, but I think that I had fallen into writing her that way because I'd decided to just go-with-the-flow when I wrote this. And the same with Neville. I didn't want it to seem too rushed at the end, and I certainly did not want to go over my word limit, so I did the best I could. But I'm glad you liked him, and my effort at completing the challenge. :)

 Report Review

Review #17, by TwilightPrincessAway in a Manger: No Crib for His Bed

7th January 2010:
Hi! Thanks for requesting ^_^ Sorry it's so late.

You asked me to touch on characterization and flow. The characterization I thought was very good. They seemed like stereotypes, but I think that's what you need for a story like this. The plot has already been determined, since it is a Christmas carol that has spawned from the biblical story, so the characters you used for the Harry Potter take on it need to be sort of flat. Your Harry Potter characters are stand-ins for the real people, so they can't really have too much mind of their own. Does that make sense? Also, I think it's good that the characters weren't too intensely dissected because the point of this piece lies in the idea of it, not the characters. The point was about Christmas, not about Hugo or any other character's PERSON.

Speaking of Hugo, he was a brilliantly constructed character. Although I said he wasn't as important as the main idea, which I still think is true, it was very easy to feel his emotion. I especially liked the bit at the beginning when he was reminiscing about how much he was missing. You described what he was feeling very well, and it was easy for me to sympathize with him. Good job.

The flow was also really nice. It had lots of nice transitions. I think what helped the flow was that it is based on a story that actually happened, so because it's essentially just a rewriting of the real story, the flow was better. Readers are sort of expecting what's coming next, so the story kind of reads itself, like you said it wrote itself. =)

Overall, a really touching piece. I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for requesting!


Author's Response: Ilia,
First off, thank you for reviewing this. Late is always better than never. :)
Secondly, I do know what you mean about the characters. They are more like actors playing a pre-determined role than their own people. That being said, I'm very glad that Hugo came through well. He is of a very specific personality in my mind. It is good to know that he was easy to sympathize with. :)

Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a lovely review.

 Report Review

Review #18, by TwilightPrincessAlive: Chapter One

21st December 2009:
Hello! Thanks for requesting! ^_^

I hate to start off a review in this manner, but I have to tell you that your opening paragraph had me yawning. Almost gagging. How much angst can you fit into a few sentences? =P I'm only joking. But honestly, it seemed rather soap-operaish. I understand that you are trying to convey a feeling of deep sadness, but there are other ways - more artistic ways - to accomplish this. Especially since you are writing in first person, it's easy for the angst to go overboard. Take this sentence for example: I had been crying a lot in the past few hours When taken out of context, it sounds mediocre, which I can tell you are not. Try to be aware of how extreme and plainly you are writing your emotions, especially in first-person narrative. With first-person, you really have to show more than tell.

Also, I think your characterizations are a bit out of whack. I think your Hermione and Ron are far too glorified. You have gotten so caught up in the romance of the event (I can't blame you!) that you've forgotten to include in your writing some of the distinctive characteristics of these canon characters. Ron is not in any way nervous to be around Hermione - he openly expresses his love for her, with no awkwardness or any kind of Ron-ishness. And to me, Hermione had always seemed like she could hold it all together even in times of great depression and hardship. Your Hermione broke down quickly and right away, which didn't seem right to me. Like I said, I know it's hard to avoid temptation of getting caught up in the fluff of it all, but you can't sacrifice canon characteristics for a good fluff, unless you are willing to label it as AU.

In all, though, this was a very touching story. I enjoyed reading the cuteness of their relationship. I can understand their feelings, and the lyrics of the song really added to the emotion. As a whole, this piece was well done, and I loved reading it. =)

Great job! Keep up the good work!

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^


Author's Response: thanks a bunch for the constructive review. it was very helpful! I did get quite caught up in the moment was fun writing it. thanks for reading!! :D

 Report Review

Review #19, by TwilightPrincessJuliette: Solitary Glass

21st December 2009:
I could swear I read and reviewed this before, but I'm sorry, I guess I didn't. =(

I really love the overall idea of this. The idea of unconditional love is prominent and written well. It's interesting to entertain the thought, and I'm glad you chose to write this type of relationship in the setting of a mother and child. I'm not a mother, but I can imagine that no matter how much my child 'hated' me, I would not be able to hate him back. Great job. You showed great dynamics between the mother and child in this piece. It was actually heart-wrenching to read. Eileen still loves Severus even though he is her killer. How scandalous! We want her to hate him, yet we want her to love him. It's quite a conundrum, and I commend you for taking on such a challenging idea.

Your dialogue has improved immensely, but I think it could use a bit of work in some places. There were only a few spots that pulled me out of the magic of your writing. For example, when Severus says, "Hold on." I can't imagine him saying that for some reason. It seems too... modern, young, informal. Also here: "Bit late there, aren't we, Mother" It takes away from the depth of the overall idea. Sometimes it's hard to resist what you REALLY want to write, but you must in order to avoid turning your lovely work into a parody.

Other times, though, your dialogue was beautiful. I especially liked "Love... for me." That was touching. =)

My last bit of advice is don't write too much for your readers. At the end, I could tell that you were trying to explain things to the reader, which you didn't need to do. You wrote "He won't explain his motives..." All I heard was, "I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHY HE DID IT BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK OF A REASON AND/OR IT'S NOT IMPORTANT SO JUST LEAVE A REVIEW AND GET OUT!" If the reason for his actions were not important, you shouldn't have mentioned his motives at all. I had come up with my own ideas of why he might have done it, but that comment kind of rocked me out of your world (again.) Just take it easy. Just write.

I love this piece. It's so deep, and I could just eat it up. Keep up the good work!

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^


Author's Response: Hello Ilia! :]] Your reviews are my favorite xD

You are such an insightful reader. You know EXACTLY what I was going for, so thank you for that!

Yes, yes, the dialogue. I have to tell you, Ilia, dialogue just KILLS me. I understand your reasoning on that bit of dialogue, I will definitely have to change that up.

Oho, we always come back to this, don't we? I try to take your advice with each story that I write and I'm trying to get out of that "writing for the readers" business. It's going to take some work, to be honest, but hopefully I will get there!

Thank you so much for the awesome review! I appreciate it, as always!

 Report Review

Review #20, by TwilightPrincessOnce, We Were Kings: When the Boys Come Home

20th December 2009:
You are so BA I can't even stand it.

You know I love a sick little murder story. This is awesome because you show the dynamics between the two brothers. Reading about brothers is basically my favorite thing in fanfiction, and seeing that you dedicated this to me makes me super extra happy. =)

You and your amazing description. I can't even say how much I loved it. And you made present-tense work. How the heck...?

I love this. The idea is awesome and profound. You executed it in a precise way, and you definitely entertained.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^


Author's Response: Ilia, you are too nice to me, really. I see your lovely honest reviews and you give me one and I think, "No way, she can't be serious."

I know you love a murder story. They are the best kind, after all. I dedicated it to you because if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in my writing where I am today!

I hate present tense, and now, it's starting to grow on me. -gasp- So thank you, I'm glad I pulled that off.

Thank you so much, Ilia! xDDD

 Report Review

Review #21, by TwilightPrincessPlease : I.

11th October 2009:
Hi, Jack! Ilia here from the forums, reviewing for my challenge. =)

I love how you write ships like this. How do you think to pair people in this way? I would get lost in the criss-crossed family tree =P Anyway, I love the emotion you have here. You showed in such a clear way what each character was feeling, and with only 500 words! That's so awesome.

XD I was surprised to see something serious from you, too. But you handled it as though serious is the only stuff you do. It still sounded like you, though, which I think is vastly important for a writer. If a writer doesn't have his own voice, he is non-existent.

Great story! Thanks for taking my challenge! I hope you enjoyed yourself! ^_^


Author's Response: Hey Ilia, I'm amazed you're managing to keep up with it all - challenge has been way too popular! :P

Haha it's not that crazy a ship is it? Just Lucy/OC. I think Jane is the only one who decided he was Teddy and just went with that because she loves him :P That's the great thing about the 500 words, you have to show everything in a clear way - no running or hiding.

A challenge is meant to be challenging right? I'm so happy I was able to keep my voice, but manage to actual make this at least serious-ish. Good to know I can do slightly more than one thing :P

Thanks so much for reviewing and for the great challenge! I really did enjoy it ^^

 Report Review

Review #22, by TwilightPrincessI'm Not That Girl: I'm Not That Girl

11th October 2009:
Hi there! Ilia here to review for my challenge. =)

I could reach through the screen and hug you right now. A Harry/Cho fic? I LOVE it! I think that far too many people are afraid to write Cho - lots of people don't like her just because of that scene we saw in the series. It's a shame because I think Cho is a brilliant character. She's actually a really deep person, and you definitely showed that here.

I love that you stuck with canon and showed Harry with Ginny. I kind of always wondered what Cho would be thinking when Harry chose Ginny. I love how deep you made Cho's thoughts, and your phrasing of them was phenomenal. Like this: Maybe I just wasn't born to be with a guy like him. Awesome.

I really loved reading this story. Thanks so much for taking my challenge! I hope you enjoyed yourself ^_^


Author's Response: Aw, thanks! Yeah, I wanted to do something that hadn't been done too often. I'm so glad you liked it. (:

It crossed my mind when I read book 6, and it's always been a little plot idea in my head. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that. xD

Phenomenal? :D Yay! Thank you!

I did enjoy myself. (: Thanks so much for such a lovely review.

 Report Review

Review #23, by TwilightPrincessThe Way You Make Me Feel: The Way You Make Me Feel

11th October 2009:
Hi! Ilia here to review for my challenge. ^_^

Aw, I love a good fluffy fic. Dominique/Scorpius is a unique ship - I wonder what made you decide to write them? I love it, in any case. And I love that you wrote this in third person even though it felt very personal. It gave it a very fairytale feel, which is a brilliant effect. Great job.

My favorite part of this fic is the dialogue. I love how they are so unsure of what to say. You didn't use the cliche dialogue that would normally happen in a fluffy fic. You wrote your own dialogue with your own characters. A writer's personal voice and ideas are the most important things a writer could have, so congratulations to you.

I love this fic! It's so cute ^_^ Thanks for taking my challenge! I hope you enjoyed yourself ^_^


Author's Response: I dunno why, but I've always been attracted to Dominique/Scorpius over Rose/Scorpius. I love the freedom I have with that ship, and I like to stray away from the Rose/Scorpius cliches. And I've never actually read a Dominique/Scorpius so I've just been itching to try one. Thank you...I wasn't sure if third person was going to add or tke away from the story and I'm so glad you liked it. I'm so glad you enjoyed the dialogue, I didn't exactly know what cliche fluff dialogue was because I usually don't read much of thise genre, so I just tried to create the dialogue so it fit wiuth the characters and the general mood of the story. I sure did enjoy this challnge, I'm going to be on the lookout for any others you create in the future. Thank you so much for you kind review and once again, I'm so glad you liked it!!

 Report Review

Review #24, by TwilightPrincessA Simple Test: A Simple Test

11th October 2009:
Hi! Ilia here to review your entry for my challenge ^_^

I usually don't like it when stories start off with descriptions of the weather and stuff like that, but I'm beginning to appreciate it more. You set the scene beautifully with the first few sentences, and the mood was clear. Brilliant. A very smart idea.

I love the idea of this! The relationship between Bellatrix and Voldemort is one that I think deserves more attention, because we don't really know what goes on between them other than the fact that she's obsessed with him. You did a great job of portraying an insight into their relationship, even if it's just a servant-master one.

This is an interesting take on the staff challenge, too! I never would have expected anyone to combine my 500-word challenge with the one that requires 24 hours. You did an excellent job!

Thanks for taking my challenge! I hope you enjoyed yourself! ^_^


Author's Response: First off- Thank you for coming up with the challenge! It is the best challenge I have taken, it really made me think about what was important and not important about my story!

Secondly- Thanks for the great review! Glad you like the idea! I wanted to show that even Bellatrix is not immune to Voldemort, no matter how fanatical she is, he will always doubt everyone around him, always testin to keep everyone on their toes, regardless if it is Bellatrix or not.

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks for reviewing!

Keep Safe,

 Report Review

Review #25, by TwilightPrincessOne More: One More

11th October 2009:
Hi there! Ilia here to review your entry for my challenge =)

I love the way you write. You write so clearly and descriptive - it's like I'm watching a movie. That's a skill I wish I had, and you nailed it perfectly. The cinematic feel to this story adds a lot to the plot, not to mention Trelawney's character. I especially liked the first line about the drink spilling over the edges.

It's interesting that you chose to write a story about Trelawney. She's a character we don't get to see much of, and I think you're right with this: she needs some more screen time, so to speak. Not enough people think enough about the minor characters. It's nice to see that someone is thinking about them. =) There's so much to explore with a minor character. So many awesome stories to write, like this one!

Thanks for taking my challenge! I hope you enjoyed yourself ^_^


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>