Haha, hilarious :D Now, I did like it, but prepare for some (lots) of constructive criticism! (Sorry, in advance)
You see, there were some really annoying mistakes... Or at least, really annoying for me, because I'm very easily annoyed by meaningless mistakes :P
Firstly: You say that her mum is 37 and had her at 19, making her eighteen, but that would mean she had finished Hogwarts. Her mum would have to be 35 for that to work :)
Secondly: To be an annoying Brit, the word "store" really grates as (and I assume you're American) we don't really say "store" :P it's normally shop :) I know it's just a tiny thing, but I'm annoyingly fastidious. Sorry!
Thirdly: I did like it, but the parents did feel a little forced and overexaggerated... Like the stuff about her being malnourished, and them smoking weed... It just makes the story less believable, you know? With the mistreatment you were describing there, social services would have definitely got involved! The bruises would normally be enough for most teachers to get worried - I went to a really rubbish primary school and the reception teachers talked to my parents and sister (and were prepared to take further steps) because she had lots of bruises because she liked to climb trees! So, while I understand why you want to have them be bad parents, I think that that is a bit too over the top, not to mention that, by law, sixteen year olds aren't allowed to be left for a whole night (let alone several days) with young children without adult supervision - the police would have got involved if it had have been reported, and I think that their neighbours really couldn't have managed to miss the parents absence, if their as loud, crazy and just plain worrying as you make out
Fourthly: With the weed thing... Basically I don't think that it's realistic, as babies who encounter drugs can experience serious side effects at birth (strong withdrawal symptoms) and would most definitely be taken away from the parents by the social services, who would be called in by hospital staff...
Sorry for coming along with a load of annoying laws and nitpicking!
Sorry again for all of the criticism though! Because, despite those things that I pointed out, I really liked your character's voice and the way that came through in the narration, while the plot line seems pretty interesting! The dialogue was generally great (although, is the brother supposed to be an actual "gangster" character? He more came across as a wannabe who wasnt doing so well) and although you could use some more, the description was good :)
So, sorry again for all of the major criticism, because I really did like it :D
Wow. That was long. *deep breaths*Author's Response: Ah, thanks for helping me! I do need to know how to improve :)
1 - thanks, I hadn't done the maths. 2 - I am British, but I've read too many American fics of late! 3 and 4 - yes, I can see now that it is waaay over-done and unneeded. Everything's been edited accordingly, it definitely didn't need all of that! Thanks for making me edit, it needed it!
And thanks, yes, her brother was meant to come across like that. Report Review
oooh, ominous... I have not been on here for too long, but I could not pass up reading a story with PATRICK JANE as a damn WIZARD! O.o
To say that I am amazed, is an understatement... I assume that there are others on here somewhere, but I for one haven't seen them!
An obviously short introduction, so to say that lots happened would be a lie, but I liked what there was!
It has only just gone up, but rest assured that I am expecting another chapter soon. Thanks :)Author's Response: its absolutely brilliant to know we're not the only Patrick Jane fans on HPFF :)
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! The next chapter is up, and it is much longer than the prologue hahah.
Cheers! Report Review
oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my!!!
That was amazing!!! :D Just amazing!!!
Firstly: please update soon!
Secondly: I love your descriptions, that was like incredibly well done, I liked the way that it was very obvious what she was talking about, even though it wasn't said until Hugo asked "The Question"! - subtle, but obvious :D
Thirdly: LOVE it!!!
SO, update soon then, kay? :P Report Review
WOW twas pretty damn amazing O.o
I really actually liked the no quotation mark thing, it kinda made it flow more, if you get what I mean... It was really good, great imagery and really cool kinda flow of consciousness thing (or whatever the actual name is...) :D
So, just wanted to say, please continue with this? Its bloody fantastic!!! :D
(and so are you!!!)
beautiful :)Author's Response: thank you so much! i love all reviews, and yours is one of the best. i will continue it, promise! Report Review
Amazing chapter! (obviously!)
But I have a bone to pick with you miss, you seem to be missing a certain disclaimer telling you're readers that far from the Siri/Iris thing being planned, it was discovered by your most wonderful bestfriend. (I.e. Moi.)
I shall soon be suing you for copyright :P
But other than that, you're amazing, your storie's amazing, Iris is amazing, Sirius is amazing, Ace is by far the most amazing, and it annoys me that I can not shout about the most amazing one because none of your other readers know about him yet... D:
I expect to see that disclaimer soon.Author's Response: I will add it in asap! You are an amazing best friend Jenny (gosh so amazing that there's even a space in there! :P :O hehe). Don't sue me!
Hehehe go other person who readers don't know about yet...and others! Hehe wuv you Jen :P Report Review
Hahaha, that was really good! I don't normally read things written in second person, but it really worked like that!
The characters were maybe slightly OOC, but it worked - I loved the part where they were "role playing" and the proposal leading to everyone fighting - it wasn't described in great detail, but I think that that may have been better, so that we could sort of imagine it for ourselves
I really loved the ending - especially the last line! A funny end to a funny story :DAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked it. To be honest, it's the first 2nd person thing I've ever written, not counting a short piece I had to write for a class once, and that was with a group!. Several people have mentioned that they would love to see more chapters, like maybe continued sessions in the view of the others. I may try that out at some point (this was for two challenges, a make me laugh challenge and a 2nd person challenge, and one said it could be no longer than a one-shot), but it's definitely something I may consider changing it to in the future, as long as I think I can keep up the comedy in about 6 more chapters (one for each of the session participants).
Thanks so much for reading as well as reviewing! Report Review
Ooh, tres intriguing!!!
Just the beginning, so there's not much more to say, but that I really liked it! Lots of the time recently I've been reading ffs with lots of spelling/grammar mistakes so writing that flows is a welcome break! :D Report Review
Oh my, that was amazing!!! If that isn't your best then I'd like to see what is!
I loved the formatting and the idea, how it was just a few very short snippets of her life, but by the end I still felt like I knew this girl, and really empathised with her... It amazes me that you were able to make me want to cry in such a short amount of time, with so few words.
Quite frankly shockingly amazing.
And the way you picked all of the right moments and that it wasn't the ended that you expected it to be, but a sort of bittersweet thing that was more tears of happiness than sadness, but was a mixture of the two... Just beautiful :) Report Review
Ooh, interesting stuff :)
Just a point about your French swear words - they don't really make sense! You used 'chienne' for b*, but that, quite literally, just means 'female dog'! The word that French people use is normally 'Salope' (or you can direct it towards a boy and say 'salop')
Also, instead of the word 'f***' there are actually lots of different ways to say it! If you're just using it as an expletive then you would normally say 'Pute' or 'Putain' where as if you were wanting to say f*** off, you might use 'Casse-toi' which can be seen as not that bad, unless you add another swearword in! I know that you used 'foutre' before instead of f***, but it literally means 'to f***' and is mainly used when you're saying 'I don't give a f***' (in French 'je m'en fou') If you wanted to say F*** you, then you would probably say 'Baise-toi' and for go f*** yourself you could say 'va te faire enculer' or maybe just 'foutre', but that isn't used so much :)
Most translators won't be able to do it properly, since swearwords never really translate properly through, so I suggest that you search 'french swearwords' on the Internet and you're bound to find some sites that have all of the common ones! :DAuthor's Response: Spicky,
You better bet I'm going to check out those websites:D Report Review
That was quite good, but google translate isn't the most accurate... Most of the words were correct, but not really in the right context, so I'm just going to go ahead and correct you :)
You kept using the word 'vous' for you which, while not exactly wrong, doesn't make sense in this context - 'vous' is used when you are speaking formally or to someone older who you don't know well, while 'tu' is used in this circumstance (for your friend or someone who is younger or of lower rank sort of thing)
Because of this, it doesn't really make sense to say 'je vous aime' as you are unlikely to tell someone that you don't really know that you love them - 'je t'aime' is better here :)
You had Dom saying 'Partir.' I assume that you wanted her to be saying leave? And this does mean leave, but it's actually means 'to leave' instead of being the imperative (a command) - that is normally said using the vous form of the word, in this case 'Partez.'
Also in your translation bit at the end you said yourself 'Désolé, ne peut non faire= Desolate, cannot make' so instead you could say 'je suis désolé' for 'I'm sorry' or you would have to use a different word but well, this is just easier :D and then you could say 'je ne peut non partir' which would be 'I can't leave' because otherwise that doesn't quite make sense :)
Sorry to be so critical, but I thought it might help a bit! Personally I would prefer you didn't have any French in it, cause it is slightly off putting when it isn't correct, but ah well, it must add to your plot I guess!
But still, nice story :)Author's Response: Spicky,
Ah, you are amazing. But no worries, my poor-French-speaking days are over. Report Review
Ooh, this is really good! I really want to know what happens! :D
Please update soon? Although I guess you probably won't be able to until the queue re-opens after Christmas :(
I do love this story :DAuthor's Response: Spicky,
You seriously cheered me up from a bad day. Thank you. :D And that is half-way true. I've got a new one-shot in the queue (ooops.), so probs no new chapter, but I will be posting as soon as the break is over. :) Report Review
Ooooh, intriguing :D
(and kinda unrealistic, but who cares?! Not me, at least! Well, not in this case anyway!)
Wanna write some more? :)Author's Response: Spicky,
I know, I know, it's not realistic anymores. I'm glad you like it. :) I'm working on the next chapter now.:D Report Review
'What kind of deatheater knocks?' Author's Response: Spicky,
Ah, that is one of my rare moments of genius. :D Glad you caught it. Report Review
It did take me a moment to work out which pov it was in, but I got it by the end! :D
nice twist, i'd like to see where this is going - who's the father! :)
hopefully I'll find out soon... (or just guess that its scorpius'!)Author's Response: Spicky,
Ah, I'm sorry, but glad you got it! No one (but me) knows that, so, sorry. :D Report Review
Love it so far!!!
Ingenious idea and well written - what more can a girl ask for? :D
Obviously this was just the introduction, so I don't expect anything much to happen, but either way it was really good :)Author's Response: Spicky,
Yay! A new reader! And so nice to me too. :) Report Review
That was quite good, but incredibly confusing!
every other sentence you were changing betwen 3rd person and 1st person... that made it quite difficult to read! I suggest that you decide which one you would like it to be in and go back and change it, because it definitely detracted from the story...
If you don't have the time etc, then it would probably be a good idea to get a beta to check through it for you, since lots of people don't read stories if there are grammar/spelling problems that make it hard to read
the dialogue was interesting, although it may have been nice to leave explaining some of her past for later, just so that we can be left wondering who she is
Also, when you did the flashback it became even more confusing - if you are going to do memories then it is always good to do something to make it different from the rest of the text (eg. put it in italics) as this makes it so much clearer and less confusing. At that point I had to go back and check what was happening, as it seemed like her dead twin had just suddenly appeared!
There are a few things that you might want to think about (sorry for all of the criticism!) but if you make some changes then this could be an amazing story!Author's Response: thanks for informing: I fixed it, and added some stuff, so hopfully it'll be validated and better.
Don't worry about the criticism (I think that's how you spell it): as long as it's constructive, it's good with me.
Anyway, thanks for bothering to review! :) Report Review
Oooh, i liked that :)
although a few times you changed pov - like here:
'James ignored whatever McGonagall was saying and thought about the redhead just diagonally across from me.'
That sort of thing interrupts the flow of the story and makes you do a bit of a double take, so try to avoid it! :DAuthor's Response: Sorry bout that! I'm so careless in writing. I'm more about ideas than writing grammatically correct. That's why most of my stories would probably be better if I had a beta lol. Thanks so much for reviewing I appreciate it!
LM Report Review
YAY it finished happily!!! Last chapter I definitely thought it was too good to be true, but apparently for once it wasnt :)
Lovely story - you definitely achieved cliched but good :DAuthor's Response: See, told you so =P
hahah. Thank you for your dedicated reviewing, I'm always happy to read your comments.
Glad you liked the story.
Cheers! Report Review
Ooh, I really liked that! Kind of short, but then it is only a prologue!
I love the idea - it's tres original! I don't think I've read a Dunoon trelawnwy story before!
At first it was quite serious and I liked the way you lightened it with the staff vetting pool joke - pretty funny! :D
I really can't wait to see where you're goin to take this, so please wrote some more!
Oh yeah, I forgot to say before, I really like the title :)Author's Response: It is kind of short isn't it? Oh well, I promise the next one will be much longer. Thanks, I know how many fics floating around here resemble each other closely. Yes, it will probably be serious at some points but I'll make sure to break it up with some humor. Thanks, I like the title too. I came up with it during History. Who knew the thirteen colonies were that inspiring? Report Review
Oh my, that was beautiful!
You have a really nice style and I was almost crying through that... And then the ending!
Amazing, quite simply amazing!
Keep writing, this is great :)
Although just one tiny insignificant piece of criticism - in the first paragraph of Harry you used his name over and over again; I checked and it was actually in every single sentence! This can get a bit repetitive and awkward so try to use some more 'he' (sorry, ive forgotten what the proper word is!)
Anyway, as I said before, lovely lovely story :)Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! This is the first review I've ever gotten on this site. I can't thank you enough, this is a huge confidence booster! Thank you for the tip, I'll be sure to look for that next time I'm editing something. Report Review
Ooooh, loved it immensely!!! Yay, it's all happy or a moment - this means that loads of horrible stiff is going to happen, so I'm goin to go away and pretend that there's just been a happy ending, Kay? :DAuthor's Response: ouch. have you no faith in me? hahaha. I think I said somewhere in an A/N that the story was coming to a close by this point...seriously, what else could I make go wrong?
(though truthfully, I was considering making Sirius get a serious case of amnezia from the explosion...but that would have been to soap-opera like ;)
Thanks so much. Cheers! Report Review
A* for amazingness :D
Can't wait to read more! So I won't :)Author's Response: aww, that makes me feel all nice and warm.
Cheers. Report Review
Oooh, that was very interesting - I love your writing :)
Both of the characters seem good at the moment, although I'm still not convinced of Scorpius' reason to help her... It doesn't really seem like enough.
But still, lovely chapter, I'd like to see what happens next :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, and you're right, curiosity alone wouldn't be enough motivation, he had something else driving him back to the dungeon. It'll come out in a few chapters, but if you'd like a hint, I'd love you to read the one shot prequel to this story, Tale of the Pumpkin Thief. ;)
YAY!!! Now that's better :)
Although still intriguing...
And you were making me cry for most of the chapter as well!!! Actually, the whole chapter if you count happy tears :D
Now I'm definitely happy that I can read these all in one go!!! Although, another evil ending... tut tut! :)Author's Response: Well, I pulled a Stephanie Meyer...aka can't-dare-to-leave-anybody-unhappy.
Also I overdid the cliff-hangers in the last few chapters, including this one hahah.
Thanks for the review! Cheers. Report Review
and now you've made me cry.Author's Response: aww, sorry!
(though I'm a little proud, because I really tried to make it sad)
Thanks for the review. Cheers! Report Review
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