Draco Malfoy is.whipped? XD!! Report Review
Neville...Headmaster? I could have sworn he was the Herbology professor.
Also- Hermione is a control freak of epic proportions. You could have made this really interesting if you'd embraced that.
Oh, and ps- why does Rose have to point out that she's not a lesbian when she and the other girl hug? Don't girls hug each other all the time, especially when they want to comfort each other? Besides, she just had sex with a guy, and she's claiming to be bum over teacups in love with him. I think the lesbian comment was unnecessary.Author's Response: I'm not necassarily staying canon sorry. I thought he would be good for the job. About the lesbian comment its Rose's personality so thats how I decided to write it. It was meant to be a small joke. Thanks for the review and I will try to fix it a bit. Report Review
I had a few problems with this story- it's coming along okay, but allow me point some things out all the same. I'll stick to the main points for now.
When Rose falls down in St. Mungo's and vomits on herself, why does Hermione tell her to change into something nicer? I mean...what mother does that? Her husband just took a swandive down the stairs, and now her kid is puking. The Hermione I know and love is a worry-wart, and this situation would have been really stressful and kind of overwhelming for her.
Then Scorpius and Claire come over that day, and she's not sick anymore, and nobody mentions anything about Ron. It seems like this should be a...rough draft. Or an outline for something you're going to flesh out later. No offense, I do that all the time, but still.
And if Rose 'loves Scorpius', there was no buildup to it, no clues, nothing. Just...oh by the way they had sex, and she's pregnant. Almost forgot to mention that. Anyway, they had eggs for breakfast...(>>; yeah that's kind of the feel I got from it. sorry.)
Then, as I'm sure it's been said, Hermione is very OOC when she walks in and sees that her children have been drinking and doing the deed. And...Hermione would have raised them "better" than that, or something. So her kids just randomly jump in the sack with their friends that night, and she finds them like that? (I'm amazed that they kept their clothes on by the way, it's usually tricky to do that when you're in bed with someone) Then Hermione is too cool about it...and although that was an interesting take on a magical pregnancy test, Hermione was too...detatched. I know I keep harping on about it but...Hermione's such a colorful, lovely, high strung character, and you diluted her here. A lot.
Anyway, now that I've listed all my irks, I should say that you're not off to a bad start. Keep trying! If you find that you're having trouble, perhaps you should look into having someone beta for you? Everyone could use a little help now and again, and I think this could become a very interesting story indeed.Author's Response: Thanks for the review I'll try and edit some stuff but Hermione's character is allowed to be changed its fan fiction so I'm not sure that will really change. I don't really want a beta because some of them just tear your story apart and I don't need that. Report Review
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