Loving every bit of this story. Every bit. Of. This. Story.
Louis is great. A hero. A boss. Just...a bro. A real bro, too.
You made him sound like a guy (at least the way my friends and I banter), so don't worry too much. Your guy/Louis voice is pretty much perfect.
And I would know. Seeing as I'm a guy and all that.
You've given me inspiration. Your story's inspired me.
This review is unorthodox. But so is Louis. And that's why I love him ever so much.
If you hadn't noticed, I'm loving this story.
Every bit of it, like I said.
I feel as though I'm writing like your Louis.
Your story's just contagious.
Gosh, I think I'll just read on now.
Before I embarrass myself even more.Author's Response: baha, thank you! i was really nervous about how a guy would respond to this, especially since i'm a girl and i guess i'm pretty girly with the way i speak. but i'm so glad you can relate to him :D Report Review
It's becoming increasingly difficult to find fault in your grammer, plot, or characterizations, I will have you know. Especially the charcterizations, which are pretty much flawless - stop worrying over them, because they're perfect and believable, even regarding Draco's transformation.
I do feel like Harry and Draco were a bit too civil in this chapter. Harry's stubborn; it's just a fact. I don't think he would thank Draco this soon into the story, especially with Harry being so distraught over Ron's death. If anything, I feel as though they would barely say anything to one another at this point. Silence would be a push in the right direction for the two enemies. In my opinion, I don't think Harry and Draco would ever be friends, yet I still feel like they could have civil, accepting attitudes to one another.
Regarding the voice, there was no noticeable change between this chapter and the last, so there's no need to worry. It's been pretty consistent, especially concerning the pacing. Also, the plot's been establishing smoothly, as well. Like I said, I can't find much criticism anymore.
The plot-twist at the end necessitates a speedy update. Just sayin'.Author's Response: Gosh! *blushes* Your words are extremely kind and warms my little heart!!
Yeah, I can see it on the too civilness of the two. Although I do think Harry would think it "the right thing to do" to thank Draco as soon as possible.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to review! My next update is in the queue.
xChar Report Review
Another brilliant chapter! This one wasn't as informative or descriptive as the last - more of like a filler chapter, you know? Yet, I still enjoyed this chapter, especially the subtle relationship between Draco and Harry, how it's slowly changing - how Draco is slowly changing is probably the best part of the story. His internal revelations are quite natural and believable, especially regarding his respect for Hermione. Respect always has to come before love, right?
Hermione's half of the chapter was also believable. It felt right that she wouldn't want to interact with her child - postpartum depression is common; adding the death of her husband could only make it worse. Hermione's mourning is also believable, as well. I appreciated how you didn't have her crying constantly. I feel as though Hermione would internalize everything, instead of lashing out.
I'm off to the next chapter now.Author's Response: Yeah, you caught me. This was totally a filler chapter. I'm really trying to get Draco's whatever-is-happening-to-him to be real. I think real lasting love has R-E-S-P-E-C-T before it (sorry, couldn't resist).
That's totally how I would see Hermione handle things! I mean obviously, since I wrote it but she's such a help-everyone-else kinda gal that I think she would try to not upset everyone by being visibly upset, even though she is. Report Review
Wow, I actually, kind of loved this chapter. Your charcterization of Draco was for the most part perfect; the manner with which you allowed him to join the good side was natural, fluid, and sensible, something I can respect and appreciate, considering most fanfic stories have Draco magically(haha) falling in love with Hermione for no reason whatsoever.
Both the characterizations of Harry and Draco were spot-on. I especially liked the thought made by Draco about Harry not modernizing and getting contacts. It felt awkward, odd, and strange, yet completely and utterly perfect, for some reason. The flashback of the accident was also rather good, as well. I usually feel as though, in most stories, the flashbacks utilized are unnecessary, boring, and only there to slow down the pacing of the story, yet I feel as though in this story, the flashback was brilliant.
Basically, I have no citicism for you for this chapter, I fear. The characterizations, pacing, and grammar were pretty much perfect as far as I could tell.
I'll be reading on now!Author's Response: Awesome on Draco's characterization! I think I may start chilling out on this point...but probably not. I totally agree on stories where Draco magically (yes, haha) falls in love with Hermione. I know it's fiction, but I gotta at least believe it.
I'm glad that this chapter worked so well! Report Review
Aww, this is so sad! You captured the emotions of each of the characters brilliantly, without actually stating blatantly what they were each feeling. I especially liked the way you illustrated Harry's pain - the stroking of his scar just out of habit was sheer genius.
I also enjoyed the subtle relationship between Ginny and Harry - it was very believable. We haven't really read much about Hermione's characterization or feelings yet, considering her tired, worn out state, though I'm sure I'll read much more about her in the following chapters.
Overall, I thought this was a good, stable first chaper that really laid down the framework for the story. It's bleeding depressing that you had to kill off Ron though, yet I feel it's entirely necessary for the plot of the story.
Can't wait to read on to find out what happens next!Author's Response: Thank you! Yes!!! You're the first to comment on the scar-stroking thing! That was my fave bit to write in this chapter!
I know, on Ron, but I didn't really want him to be a cheater because he so isn't like that so the best thing was to kill him off. :/ that sounded really bad. Report Review
Saying I enjoyed this story would create the assumption that I'm morbid and sadistic, so instead, I think I'll say I found this story interesting to the extreme, considering I haven't really read many stories describing the reasons (or lack thereof) for Voldemort killing his victims.
Gramatically and structurally, the story was brilliant. However, you could have delved deeper into the life of the man being tortured and killed, which would have allowed the reader to evoke more sympathy toward him. For example, you could have illustrated the relationship he held with his family with more detail. Also, there wasn't much description of his emotions regarding the death of his family, which I would think would be quite detrimental to his diminishing mental and emotional stability.
"'Kill him,' the Dark Lord said, as casually as if he was ordering a cauldron cake sundae at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, hold the nuts, just as his daughter liked it. 'Kill him now.'" - I especially liked this line - the simile alluding to his daughter was personal, relevant, and natural; exceptional line in the story!
I'm most definitely favoriting this story! It's original and a fascinating read! The concision of the story is also quite stylistic, which is always a good thing - readers love a writer with a familiar, distinct style!Author's Response: You have officially given me my favorite review. :)
I really appreciate your constructive criticism; I might tweak the story a bit now, maybe add a sentence or two about his familial relations. You're right; it would personalize the story more, make the man more relatable. Thanks for the advice!
And the Florean Fortescue's line is my favorite, too. x) Report Review
I loved this so much! The style of writing was brilliant, and the manner with which you constructed her thought processes and perspective was perfect. I'm not sure if I can bring my mind to form any criticisms regarding your style, descriptions, or flow. Actually, I loved the flow of the story the best.
There are a few grammatical errors in there that you should comb out, but none of them were too obvious. But seriously. I loved this! I loved how you described her emotions, how you transferred her emotional distress into physical, tangible pain. It's very realistic and relatable. Brilliant.
On a note of criticsm, your dialogue could have been more realistic. What I do is speak my dialogue out loud as a way to determine whether or not my character would actually say the line. If it doesn't sound right spoken out loud, then I change it to something else. Actually, your dialogue wasn't too bad at all; there were a few awkward phrases and such, though.
Either way, this is probably one of the most orginial fics I've read in a long time. The style was original and interesting; the flow was smooth; and the plot in general was refreshing and relatable. Excellent story!Author's Response: Hey, I'm sorry for the late reply! I haven't been checking my story recently.
Thanks so much for your review, I appreciate the constructive criticism, it'll really help(: I'll make sure to look back at the dialogue, because I'm sure there are one or two things I could change to make it more natural and realistic. I'll try your idea, I'm sure it'll work(:
Haha, I'm pleased the flow of the story wasn't too fast-paced or too slow, 'cause I don't want to scare off any readers ;) But that really helps settle down my worries now(:
Thank you so much again for the review, I love it! x Report Review
First of all, this was written beautifully. The vocabulary and diction you used was very sophisticated and fluid, which suits the theme and mood of the story. You seem to have a good grasp of writing and setting a scene, that's for sure.
However, this fic is a bit cliched, if I'm going to be honest. I realize Sco/Rose isn't exactly your favorite ship, and that you wrote this for a challenge, and that you based it off of Romeo and Juliet, yet I feel like you could have done more with the story, such as building up to the astonishment of the ending using more descriptions, or even alluding to Romeo and Juliet even more, such as borrowing quotes or something along those lines.
The pacing of the story was alright. Some parts did seem to go by faster than others - I feel as though you could've expanded more on the important scenes, such as the ending.
Overall, I did enjoy this story very much. I thought for an experimentation with ScoRose, it was perfectly satisfactory. I especially loved the specific vocabulary you used, and the manner with which you described certain scenes. Just make sure you make the story orginal, even when you're basing it off of other works - allow the reader to feel like he's reading something completely novel and new, even when it may not actually be new. I hope that made sense!Author's Response: Hi there,
Sorry for the somewhat late response. Hmm, I do agree it's cliched, but then again, I think it's meant to be. Romeo and Juliet has been done to death, and (on this site) so has Scorpius and Rose. In a piece as short as this it's hard to build too much more depth, and I don't feel the addition of quotes would have felt very seamless. However, if I take up your point and expand in some sections, that might allow for more character depth and steer it away from it feeling the same.
Thank you for the compliments on the vocab, and whatnot :)
And thank-you for the review; I appreciate it! :D Report Review
This was written fantastically. The concision of the style of this one-shot is perfect. The words flow together easily, the diction sets an accurate mood for the reader, and the vague descriptions create a brilliant picture of how Molly would really be visualizing and digesting the horror that is unfurling around her.
All in all, I really loved this little one-shot. For a first fan-fic, it's actually rather excellent, though it is quite apparent that you've been writing for a long time. I'm glad you decided to strike an interest in HP fanfic! It really is lovely and fascinating and extremely fun. :D
As for the ending, I like it the way it is now, yet if you did decide you wanted to add the battle between Molly and Bellatrix, I don't suppose it would hurt anything. Either way, it's a great story giving insight and perspective to Molly, who rarely gets the honor of having a story all to herself.
I'm favoriting this. I think it's brilliant. :D
And I have nothing else to critique - it's an excellent one-shot!Author's Response: Thank you very much for taking the time to review this!
Yeah, I've been writing different things for a while though never completing them. What I like about fan fiction is that I have to finish them!
OK, I guess I'll contemplate more on whether or not I'll expand on the ending.
Thank you again for reading and for your fantastically awesome words! Report Review
Yay! I'm special! :D Haha. My life is complete. Just saying.
I really love this chapter, though! It's so fun and quirky! The interaction between Casey and Remus was awesome. And, I'd like to try some of those cookies. Yum...peanut butter and chocolate. Hehe.
As I was reading this my smile would'nt leave my face because Remus and Casey are just way too adorable. And it makes me happy to see Remus happy. :) He deserves it with everything he has to deal with it.
It'll be interesting to read when Casey finds out that Remus is a wizard and a werewolf. I'm sure she'll stay with him. Because she'll have to. Because they're way too cute to not be together.
Can't wait till the next chapter!
And the LoSaCPTWRtW lives on!!!
:D Report Review
Loved it. Need I say more? James is great. A real hero, indeed. And Lily's amazing as ever. I think this is a start to a beautiful relationship for the two. :)
And Sirius and Remus were just hysterical. As was James.
Not much more I can say, really. Everything you right is sheer brilliance. You made James and Lily the cutest thing in the world whilst not even really having much interaction between them...at all.
You're a bloody genius. Simple as that.
Loved it.Author's Response: Oh, well that would have been a pretty accurate summary! Concise to say the least. I kind of like this way better though. Spot on, this is meant to be the start, of James actually growing up anyway.
Good comic relief those two, very easy to write as well, snark and frustration always fun.
-hides- That's all I have to say about THAT! Lily and James ARE the cutest thing in the world, all I to really do is put them out there.
Shall have to continue to ignore your delusions I fear, else ego would just EXPLODE!
Thanks so much for the review, much appreciated! Report Review
Wow. This was...incredible. I love how it's original. I felt as though I was reading a real, published book, instead of a fanfiction. Bravo.
I mean, this is such a unique idea for a story! I'm a bit confused on the time frame, though. Would this be in the past, with Wesley being some great-great grandfather of Lorcan and Lysander, or on the future and vise-versa? I'm just curious is all. Bloody brilliant story, either way.
As for grammar and flow, it was all immaculate. It really felt like I was reading the workings of a published author. It had such a style and flair to the writing, and the characters are OC's but so original and full.
UPDATE, because I think I might be hooked. And I'm really excited to see where you take this.Author's Response: Ahhh! I'm so flattered. Seriously. That comment made my day :) Thank you/
Wesley is actually the older brother of Newt Scamander, who is Lorcan & Lysander's great-grandfather *i think*. But anyway, yes. He is Newt Scamander's brother. Which is ironic since Wesley "hunts" creatures while Newt studies them XD
Again! Thank you so much! I am so glad you liked the plot and the characters. As for the update, I know I said I would post it at July 16, but I am so excited by all of you guys that I just might post early XD Again, thank you so much! You rock! Report Review
Wow, it's the first chapter and I'm already beginning to love this. I loved how detailed you made it. You gave descriptions for all the major characters. And it was cool how you mentioned Harry's happiness of finally having a family, even one as dysfunctional as his.
There's not much I can really critqiue. Everything was very well planned and conveyed. The flow was lovely. A nice read so far.
If I had to tell you to change anything, it'd be make the scene with the Slytherins more concise. It felt a little dragged out to me. It was still extraordinary, though. I already feel like I know the characters, which is an excellent thing.
I'll be reading on now. :)Author's Response: Aw, thank you for the review! And yeah I'll work on the Slytherin thing, I always try to meet a set word goal in my chapters and I think I dragged out that section to meet it. Thanks for your feedback. Report Review
Aww, I loved this chapter so much! The interaction between the Marauders and Casey was just fantastic! And Remus and Casey have a date! ;) Aww.
It's going to be interesting to see how Casey reacts to when she discovers they're magic. I mean, she'll have to right? Since she's going to James and Lily's wedding and all. That'll be a fanatastic chapter. :)
I'm so glad you have your outline back! And you're updating quickly! *hugs* Hopefully your life won't hate you again, though. Trust me, I know how it feels. I'm just as bad with updates. Maybe even worse. :P
Can't wait till the next update!Author's Response: Haha, thank you for the hug and the review! I have a few tricks up my sleeve, remember that ;) Report Review
You updated! I was so excited when I noticed this was updated. Although I was a bit hazy on the other chapters, since it's been so long. But not to worry, I remembered most of it when I took the time to think about it. Actually, your story's very memorable. That's good, I suppose. ;)
Nice chapter. I liked the interaction between Casey and the guys. Though, I'm a bit confused. I thought she was supposed to end up with Remus? Ah well. I'll have to find out when you update next. (Hopefully it won't be in another millenium.) ;)
I knew Doug was horrible! I knew it! Called it, too. Haha.
Nice chapter. Can't wait for the, ahem, update, *cough*, *cough*.
:DAuthor's Response: It won't be another millennium, I swear. I'm working on the next chapter right now... it should be up within the next couple of days. I decided that not taking breaks and just keep writing gets the chapters out faster... I also have to update my other stories. and do my medical math homework... which is due tomorrow. Ugh. The live of a veterinary student :P Report Review
I'm here for your review. :)
Wow, this was brilliant. You don't really find many stories with either of the twins, but this one was fantastic. I loved the twist at the end!! But I'm still a bit confused...did Lorcan kill Lysander? Is Lysander dead? And why should Molly have called the aurors after all? I'm probably being dense. Haha.
Grammar wise I didn't see any major problems. Well done. :)
The flow of the story was okay. The flashback was kind of placed awkwardly, but I don't really know where else it would've gone...so, yeah. Ha. It was necessary, though, because it gave the story more depth and perspective. You probably should've taken the story even further to let the reader in on Lorcan's secret. It would make the reader feel smarter and the story itself would be clearer and more fascinating, in my opinion. Though, this already is one of the more fascinating stories I've read here. :)
Overall I really liked this! It's different and the characters aren't really used all that much in many stories. Bravo. :)
This is going in my favorites, by the way. :DAuthor's Response: Hey :)
Aw, why thank you! That's exactly why I chose them and Molly; they're not written about very often at all. I've become a bit obsessed with them these days actually.
Ok. When the story began, no one died. Lysander was still alive when Molly finally went over to inspect the body, he was merely unconscious, that's all. How the story ended suggests that Lorcan killed both of them after. That's also why Molly should've summoned the Aurors while she had the chance to prevent anything else from happening. Then, it would've been revealed that the twin she was talking to was actually Lorcan and not Lysander.
Hmm, I hope all that makes sense to you. I tend to talk in circles.
That's a good point actually; I'm referring to your suggestion about revealing Lorcan's secret. I had thought about it but then I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone involved, if you understand where I'm coming from.
I'm thrilled this is good enough to be in your favourites' list :)
Thank you for your review and have a good night/morning!
Lia. Report Review
This is pretty good. I'd work on grammar a lot, since that's a major drawback in a story. When readers go to read new stories, if there's bad grammar, then more likely or not, they stray away from it. So, I'd fix all the errors, since I noticed a good few. ;)
The plot so far(or the establishment of said plot) is good. I like the premisise. Although, frankly, I don't really think the relationship between Julie and Al is believable or realistic. I mean, I know if I had a girlfriend like that, I'd dump her in a second. Or, probably just not go out with her in the first place. So, you might want to consider tweaking that around a bit?
One of the major points I noticed that could use some change is all the harsh cussing. Yeah, teenagers tend to do that, but I don't think stories like this have any use for such callous language. I'm not saying don't use bad language at all; just tone it down a bit, maybe, to make it a bit more readable and inviting, especially in the first chapter. Also, I know readers who become offended by consistent bad language, so you might even want to take that into consideration.
My last thing I'm going to say is that the lyrics are kind of distracting. Yeah, they're perfect for one-shots(song-fics) but I don't think they're very practical for longer stories like this. Unless you were only going to write the first chapter with the lyrics. In that case just ignore me. :)
So overall, I think you have a pretty good story shaping up. I like that you have Al as the main character(one of my weaknesses) and the fact that it's already Quidditch related. Just take my suggestions into consideration, at least. And I hope I wasn't too harsh!Author's Response: First off, let me just say thanks for the review. A comment on work is always helpful, be it good or bad.
I get what you mean about the strong language, but this wont be a happy, loving story, if you listen to the song, you'll find out how it's different to the norm of songs used for a story.
I don't think I will carry on with the lyrics in other chapters, but it will be staying in Al POV.
Thanks again for the review jman7693, your words have given me more knowledge for improvement. :D Report Review
I really, really likes this! I loved how you wrote so creatively and concisely! It fit the mood of the story perfectly. Though there were some parts in the middle when I got a bit confused, but by the end it was all clear. I'm not sure if you wrote like that intentionally or if it was just me(which is more likely).
Anyway, bravo on a great story! I loved how you portrayed Victiore because I can really see her acting like that. And Teddy was good too. I especially love how you made Victoire have a baby! That was a great twist.
Love your story! Keep writing! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much. This really means a lot to me. :)
I've based my NaNo this year off of this one shot, actually.
It's not nearly so good, but maybe with editing?
(And thanks!) Report Review
I liked this! Though, you should update because I want to know for sure who 'Outcast' and 'Quidditch Star' are, though I'm pretty sure I know who they are already...unless you throw a curveball and prove me wrong. Anyway, I liked this a lot. Nice grammar, flow, and characterization so far. Just make sure you make it as original as you possibly can! Leave the readers dazed and confused and stunned and panting so they can beg for more!
Wow, umm yeah, cool story. :) Update soon?Author's Response: Thanks doll! More is on the way!Glad you liked it. (:
cheers, ash Report Review
This was a fantastic chapter! So much happens and it's really easy to understand and follow; love it! Poor Laney, poor Al, poor Rose...poor Dara! I don't really feel sorry for Ivy, though. Haha, cause she's pure evil. ;)
I am really excited to read how all this mess smooths over and who ends up with who and all that! Your story is sooo great. Love it!!
And I love the POV switches. It was so smooth and actually fun to read. You wrote it perfectly. I love this story!!! :DAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thanks for the fantastic review! :D
I'm glad you like it so much, I really am. A lot does happen in chapter four and I was a little worried about coherence. Apparently it went over pretty well, though. A lot of people have seemed to really feel for Dara lately. I do too - she's so under appreciated. :)
This was rather depressing, I must say. But it was a concise, thoughtful ending different to the one we all know and love. I liked it. It was different, and different is always a good thing. :)
Aw, James was never born! That hurts me the most...aha. Kidding, kidding.(Actually, I'm not sure...)
I also liked how you put some of your own touches on it, like with the Neville/girlfriend break-in to Azkaban thingy. And at least Remus killed Greback and, you know, didn't die.
So, everything wasn't all bad. Although the world will be less spontaneous without the brilliant James.
*sniffle* I think I'll be okay...*cough"
10/10Author's Response: Haha, thanks. :)
I edited it while it was in validation, and I think it's a bit better now, if you care to read it again...
PS: Ha, I'm working on a much more cheerful story about Dudley that you may enjoy. It should be up in a couple of weeks. Report Review
I loved it. No words can express the amazingness of your story. I busted it out laughing throughout the entire chapter, and just when I thought there was nothing possibly funnier ahead...BAM! Then, I died in my chair, from the insane laughter.
Loved. It. Everything about it was greaaat. Original, fresh, and totally unique. It was fantastic! From the first word to the last, it was epic. And now, I shall continue reading. :D Report Review
I really liked this chapter. Hellen's in a tight spot, eh? I'm really excited to see what happens next, so, I suppose, I'll read on now. :)Author's Response: Haha, she's often in a tight spot. XD She's just the type to always be getting in trouble.
I hope that you enjoy the rest of the story! Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! ^_^ Report Review
I love this. Your Helen character really draws you in to the story and really allows the reader to understand her conflicts. You're such an amazing writer. Have I already stated that I love this story so far? ;)
Can't wait to read on to find out what happens next!Author's Response: It means so much that you love this story, as it's one closest to my heart - definitely my favourite story idea of all time. It's just a lot of fun to write, and while I used to dislike Helen for being my polar opposite, she's hilarious to write with her deadpan one-liners and generally cynical view of the world.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! It's wonderful to know that you're enjoying this story! ^_^ Report Review
I can already sense that this story is going to be quite unique and entertaining. I love the detail and the history you put into it so far, and how you made the proloque a glimpse into the past. It was amazing.
Going to read on now. Great so far!Author's Response: Thank you very much! It's wonderful to hear that you've enjoyed it so far, and I hope that you enjoy the rest as much. :D Report Review
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