Hi there! For English language assistance, I would suggest that you look for a beta reader for your story. A beta would be better able to go through your story with you and help you with your language difficulties. You might even be able to find someone from the same country as you who might understand your mistakes better.
The plot of your story is interesting so far! Those crazy Next Generation kids. Do you know who the girl in your chapter image is?Author's Response: I doubt I'll find anyone from my country but yes I should look for a beta :D. The girl in the chapter image is Ebel Louise. I love her.
-Vi. Report Review
Hey there! I think you're doing a great job with characterization. Your characters have been well-introduced, considering it's only the first chapter, and all have fairly distinct voices already. I love the family arguments.
There was a plot issue I had, though. If both of Genna's parents are Muggle born, wouldn't they have considered going to visit a Muggle doctor when her father seemed to be sick? If the Healers couldn't quickly diagnose the problem, then it probably wasn't a magical disease. Since they are familiar with the Muggle world, they wouldn't be afraid of going to a normal doctor like pure blooded wizards might.
Great first chapter! Keep up your characterization!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! This was such a kind review and I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to explain about her parents not seeing a muggle doctor later ;) Report Review
Bad Cort! I'm loving your story, but I'm not really sure if I find Cort and his behavior believable. He seems a bit out of place, since he isn't thinking about what's on all guys' minds, while Rose is. How long were they together before this? I'm not sure if you said that earlier. I may have missed it. Anyways, the fight seemed a little off. Of course, they had to break up so that Rose would be single for Teddy, but Cort seemed a little out of character. I had a difficult time believing that he would be so forward and blunt with Rose considering how shy he normally is. He doesn't seem like a confrontational type.
Teddy seems so much better in comparison. He's a sweetheart, comforting Victoire and getting her coffee.
There is a rather large age difference between Rose and Teddy, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you deal with that.Author's Response: Thanks! I understand what you mean, but just because it's not the norm for male behavior at his age, that doesn't mean it's wrong. Men have this problem more than they'd like to admit. I've just created a character who admits it. I wanted to write a story that shows a different side of male characters that people don't usually see.
They have been together about three months.
It's a bit more involved than Rose being single for Teddy, but I appreciate that you are understanding the pieces I've already placed. =) Though Cort is normally shy, he is comfortable around Rose enough to say what is on his mind. Rose brings out that side of him.
Thank you so much! I hope you continue reading to find out how they get together! Report Review
Haha! I called it. Of course things can't stay perfect. What fun is reading a story then?
I'm getting a little suspicious of Cort. Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel like there's something going on with him. He's got a hidden agenda of some sort. Maybe not a vicious secret, but there's something going on with that boy.
Victoire is a rather emotional woman, isn't she? I feel bad for poor Teddy. He is trying to make her happy. On to the next chapter to see what happens between them!Author's Response: Haha! Exactly! We have to have some drama here and there ;)
Perhaps you'll have to stick around and see what Cort's deal is! I'm so glad you are reading into this story the way you are, though. It makes me feel so good as an author =)
Thank you so much! Report Review
I adored how you didn't beat around the bush. The first line told us everything. Time, plot, main character. Have you ever seen (500) Days of Summer? Your opening line reminds me of the things that the narrator says in that movie.
I'm looking forward to finding out why the story keeps switching over to Teddy and Victoire.
Everything seems so perfect at the end of the chapter, so I'm expecting disaster or some sort of drama will occur soon.
Also, I really like when Rose mentions liking the way Cort bobs his knee when he's anxious. It's a small thing, but it's sweet, and it shows how well she knows him.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I haven't seen that movie but I am dying to! Thanks!
The four of them have very intricate story lines and I hope you find them nicely woven =)
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review =) Report Review
Hi! I don't know how much I can help out with characterization yet, since this is only the first chapter. Plotwise, I do like this idea. I've read many a story about Oliver's time at school, but I have yet to see any that focus at all upon his younger life. You've got a great...central idea? basis? for your plot, and I think it has a lot of potential.
I do hope you portray Oliver as more affected by the second war than he was in the books, although, of course, he graduated before the second war really began. It seems like he would care about the war, since his family had been affected by the first war. His parents would have raised him to dislike Voldemort considering he burned their house down. Also, Oliver lived through part of the first war, and although he was little and probably wouldn't really remember it, it still seems like something that would play a part in his life.
Keep writing!Author's Response: Thank you! This feedback was helpful :) I plan to portray Oliver's life during the war too (that'll be fun!) Plus I've never written him before so I guess this is a challenge :) Report Review
What are you talking about, Meggie? Of course women can be carrots. You just have to try hard enough.
"Just a little joke between us Octopi." Octopi? Why are there Octopi? Is that the school's mascot? If it is, that's quite cool. I wish my school's mascot was an octopus.
Coach Robin is great, and I'm looking forward to when Jason shows up. Poor Pen. No one acknowledges that you're a female. Except when your brother humiliates you.Author's Response: Poor Pen indeed :) I'm glad you like the story so far. The team is called The Octopi (so yes their mascot is an octopus). I'm glad you like Coach Robin (that man is very fun to write) and Jason is coming up next chapter so keep reading! Report Review
Yay, the story is picking up! I'm still confused about the whole Grayson thing. Grayson is an imaginary book about sea turtles? Also, how exactly do Audrey and Pen play Solitaire together, since it's a one person card game?
I love how everyone in this story is obsessed with pudding, and the duck-mallard bit cracked me up.
"I told them I would probably hit him in the face with an umbrella and call the cops." This line pretty much made my day. Pen's voice and personality is really starting to shine through more, and it's awesome. Who doesn't use a drug dealer to slice their vegetables?Author's Response: I'm going to have to change the card game (bangs head against table for not doing research on a card game). Grayson is not an imaginary book, it's about the ocean (it might only be published in America however). And you're right who doesn't use a drug dealer to slice their vegetables? Report Review
I think you may have accidentally deleted a line, or added something by mistake towards the beginning, since the story currently reads- "I look like a hot mess. What do I do?"
"Yes" I said instead.
"You're new," he said shaking his head. "Just go to the employee's bathroom and wash your hair there. The kids are so trashed they won't steal anything."
Pen is answering herself here currently.
Ha! I liked the explanation of how Percy and Pen started dating in school. It makes sense, since they don't seem to be anything alike.
Oliver asked if Athena and Alexander were still dating earlier, implying that he knew them both from school. However, if Alexander is a Squib, he wouldn't have gone to Hogwarts.
I liked Pen's internal dialog when she was at the club, and how spastic it was. She was tired, so of course she's not going to be thinking straight. Plus, I think we can say that she's proving to be a slightly nutty character.
Keep it up!Author's Response: I'll go and check that, thanks! And you're right Pen is a total nerd but she's more (insert something here) then Percy know what I mean? But Percy was a sixteen year old boy then and boys will be boys so... And if you think Pen's nutty you need to read about her teammates (I am so re-requesting for the rest of the chapters). Thanks for pointing those things out I'll try and get them fixed :) Report Review
Oh Pen! Lying is never a solution.
I'm getting excited to find out what happens when Oliver shows up. No problems with characterization so far.
I did notice that when Pen and Athena first begin talking in their apartment that Athena mentions a Grayson several times. Maybe I missed the first reference to Grayson. Athena also talks about going to California, which Pen never mentioned when she was talking with Oliver, just that she wrote a book about whales.
Chester is a nice addition, and I'd love to see more of him! He makes everyone else seem normal in comparison.
Something you might want to include later is why Athena and her boyfriend live in the same building, and are close neighbors, rather than actually living together. Because she doesn't want to leave Pen? She doesn't want to commit to Alexander?Author's Response: Grayson is a book actually, the one Pen lied and said she wrote. It's about a girl that helps save a baby whale (the book takes place in Cali) and it's actually a really good book! Pen can't afford to pay rent by herself and Alexander already has a roommate so it's just easier to not live together. Thanks for the reviews! Report Review
Oooo! Enticing! I like the little bit of a cliff-hanger. First chapters need a little something special to keep them interesting, and yours has it.
I really enjoy how Oliver was referred to as Hunky Back Boy. As someone who uses code names for guys on a regular basis, I thought this was incredibly realistic, and amusing.
I'll leave a longer review on the next two chapters since not much has happened yet, but you're off to a promising start so far!Author's Response: I read a LOT of Meg Cabot (my guilty pleasure) before writing this, so it just popped into my head to give Wood a code-name, I was actually surprised that it was found to be realistic! I'm glad you liked it :)! Report Review
Hi! Your story has plenty of potential. I'll update the other two chapters for you once they're up so you get the full 3 reviews that I offered.
The one problem I have so far is that Scorpius kind of has a bit of a double standard going on. He's fine being friends with Al and Rose, neither of which are pure-blood, and both of whom would be considered blood-traitors, however he is condescending towards a Muggle book. I think the people he associates with would be a far bigger concern to him than a book. I feel like some further explanation is needed, or that you could build more upon his double-standard and incorporate it into the story, such as having a character bring it up.Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I know it seems like a double standard, but the real issue wasn't the book--it was Katherine. I can work on clearing that up. :) As for Albus and Rose--Albus is a Slytherin (I guess I need to clarify that, too!) and Rose tells Katherine why she's friends with him in Chapter 2. For Scorpius, I think he's more concerned with "are you muggle-born or not?" Report Review
I'm really surprised that you haven't gotten more reviews! I'll have to go back and write more. Keep writing! I'd love to learn more about Ted's personality.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I actually feel like I've had quite a lot of reviews for this story now- every single one makes my day. I'm glad you like it and I intend to keep writing- the next chapter is written up in my notebook and should be typed up by the end of the week, I hope. Report Review
I'm loving this story! It's nice to finally see a story from Andromeda's perspective. I'd like to point out though that Dora said her father was arrested, but later Andromeda says the story about Dora's BROTHER had spread. Other than that, fantastic!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I reallly appreciate it. I love stories about Andromeda too. Report Review
After 27 chapters I finally get to read that part of the story. I thought it would happen probably at least three time before now, you trickster! Alright, now I NEED to read the epilogue. Report Review
Wo! Atta boy Jamesy! If one of his cousins interrupts again I might pull my hair out. Report Review
I like how you've added to the NEWTS and graduation. A little personal touch, but still logical and appropriate. Report Review
Silly Aidan! It's about time that Rose and Al caught on! I had such high hopes when James got his letter, since Ade seems to have a thing for guys and boxers. Report Review
Collette Creevy the photographer, eh? I liked that little mention. Just a hug for Aidan when you won the match, James? Not good enough! I do like Henry, but I refuse to jump ships. Report Review
Oh Jamesy, you're not allowed to sulk. If you weren't getting your hair caught in skirt's zippers then maybe you wouldn't be in this situation, now would you?
Poor Scorpius getting dragged into a Weasley fight. Report Review
So, I was a bit suspicious of Henry at the beginning. Partially because he's not James, and also because celebrities always seem to have ulterior motives when they date normal people. I have to say, he's growing on me though. But he's still not James. Report Review
The Weasleys and Potters are getting way too good at moment ruining. But at least James came back! Report Review
I love how the one girl that Hayden/Henry is interested in is the one who isn't obsessed with him. But I want more James! Report Review
Oh, Teddy Lupin, I was so much more impressed when I thought you were a Hufflepuff who had snuck into the Gryffindor dormitory. Report Review
Alright, so I've gotten rather addicted to this story. I love that you've allowed Albus to not be a dork as he is in so many Next Gen stories. It's nice to see him even with James. Speaking of, I adore James. He's sensitive but still macho, and he needs to just kiss Aidan already!! Report Review
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