Reading Reviews From Member: The Captain
  
59 Reviews Found

Review #1, by The CaptainThe Wandmaker: Matchmaking

23rd January 2012:
Ooo, I'm excited to see where this goes! If you think about it, it's amazing how little people touch on wandlore considering all our characters wouldn't be witches and wizards without their wands. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing how you continue to cover the topic.
SEVEN?? Cassia needs to start making James sleep on the couch more often. So we've got Sophia, Isobel, the twins, Amie, mystery child, and the bun in the oven.

Author's Response: Thanks! Yeah, wandlore is a branch of magic not explored very much, so it should be fun to get into that a bit more :P
Seven, yes. Mystery child is Harriet and slots between Isobel and the twins in terms of age. I would have mentioned her in this chapter but there were already way too many children :P


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Review #2, by The CaptainNew Zealand Export: Dispersal

22nd January 2012:
Oh man, it's really late here but I couldn't resist reading and reviewing this ASAP. Some of my favorite parts: Scorpius' ideas about how girls operate and Georgia's response, everyone's secret affair, reading Henry's name again... And I'm just generally excited that the gang is back even if they are going their separate ways. Of course, they were separated for a good part of Southern Cross too.
Also, I've got English friends who do call dinner tea. Scorpius' confusion stood out to me because I've said similar things, but I'm American and they're English. Maybe not all English people say tea... Not sure.
I'm running out of things to say and it is late... So... Yay for sequels! And yay for Henry!

Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing even though it was really late :P
I loved those conversations. They were fun. I was going to say I'll miss Georgia, but she'll crop up every third chapter because I'm going to be switching perspectives all over the show for this one.
I can never be entirely sure what's native NZ slang and what's also used in other countries, and I don't have my go-to British friend at the moment because she's in NZ and I'm not.
Yay for sequels! Yay for Henry! And yay for your review!


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Review #3, by The CaptainTrain Wreck: Wisdom and Cats

24th December 2011:
Aww! This felt a bit short, but it was sweet and to the point. The Lost City of... Oh man... Every story needs a token cat lady in it.
I'm making myself become a better reviewer, for you at least, as I adore your writing! One day I'll progress onto leaving reviews on everything of yours that I read, but for now I'm trying to at least consistently review Train Wreck.
Sophia Grace Potter is an adorable name! It really cracked me up how Cassia and James established that their baby couldn't be named after anyone, dead or not. Although who doesn't want a name like James Sirius or Albus Severus?
Yay for the update, and happy holidays! I'll be eagerly anticipating a new chapter from you when the queue re-opens!

Author's Response: That's the cost of quick updates - short chapters. I tend to do that anyway - you won't find many of my stories with chapters much longer than 1500 words :P I don't even know where the Lost City of Catlantis came from, it was the weirdest stroke of inspiration I've had in a while...but I'm currently living in a house with four cats. Probably had something to do with that...
I'm good with you consistently reviewing Train Wreck for now :P It's the one I'm updating the most these days, so it makes sense.
Honestly, when you're dealing with characters saddled with names like James Sirius Potter and Cassia Nymphadora Catherine Rutherford, they're not going to want to repeat their parents' naming mistakes, so...:P
I'm actually a TA, so new chapters for this and other stories will keep being churned out during the queue closure :) How else do you think I get a chapter a day up sometimes? :P Thanks for the review!


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Review #4, by The CaptainTrain Wreck: Responsibility

22nd December 2011:
I really need to get better at leaving reviews for people! But sometimes I get so sucked into the story that I just want to keep reading, and I can't be bothered to stop and write anything in between chapters. I absolutely adore this story! I was a little uncertain about how the pregnant at Hogwarts part would work out, as I don't normally go for stories like this, but I wanted to give it a shot.
You've been doing a really brilliant job with it! Cassia's reactions to everything seem so natural. Things haven't been easy for her, which is exactly how they should be. I mean, that's what makes your story so realistic. If everything just fell into place perfectly, I would have never bothered to stick with it past the first few chapters. She's a pregnant teenager. Life isn't going to be perfect.
I'm so rambling now, but long reviews are the best, right? Anyways, just wanted to say that I am a ridiculously huge fan of this story. And... I think I've definitely written a long enough review now, so I'm going to submit it before you end up with an essay...

Author's Response: I get like that with stories I love reading as well, and I'm actually flattered you were so sucked into it that you didn't want to stop reading :P I'm the same - I normally don't go for pregnant at Hogwarts stories, haven't read a good one since Delicate - so I wanted to try my hand at writing one that tackles all the issues properly and avoids all the horrible cliches. Long reviews are the best, so thank you for this one! I hope you enjoy the next chapter! (I'm like a machine with updates at the moment!)

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Review #5, by The CaptainBreathless: We Are Both Moronic Morons.

3rd December 2011:
Okay, so, this was my absolute favorite chapter so far! *girly/Albusy squeal* I was kind of apprehensive about their relationship at the beginning of the story, but it's been progressing so nicely! I love, live, loved Al's POV section! It was so cute seeing his wall of snide manliness come down, and I loved some of his one-liners.
Anyways, I figured it was time for me to do a review. Considering how frequently I check to see if my own stories have gotten reviews, I'm pretty terrible at reviewing other people's.

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Review #6, by The CaptainAccustomed to Change: Thunderstorm

11th November 2011:
I'm sure your other story is great and all, but please abandon it and update Accustomed to Change only! I love it! I don't typically read stories about the twins, although I do love them, but your summary pulled me in. Each chapter gives me the warm fuzzies inside. You've provided me with the perfect thing to do during a study break. Please update! I want more, more, more!

Author's Response: Hehe, I promise I will update soon! I've just been swamped with work and other life happenings and haven't had much time to devote to writing :( I'm about ready to release a new chapter sometime in the next few days so keep an eye out for the validation :)

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Review #7, by The CaptainMore Than a Divided Country: Chapter 1 Kim Hae-won

9th February 2011:
I adore your plot so far, and your story is a definite favorite. Although, you might want to break up your chapters into more, shorter chapters. Even the best of stories can get a bit tiring when the chapters are long.
Other than that, there's really nothing you should change, so I just wanted to bring up a few typos and points of clarification.
First, when Hae-Won is racing her sister it says "the time it took the high school to scramble for it" when her sister loses her shoe. Also, you might want to change your phrasing when their mother gives her presentation. There's a line where she talks about how difficult it is to move around in the North which isn't as easy as "just moving from Seoul to here in Jeonju". I was confused for a while since Seoul is in South Korea, and the way the sentence read it sounded like Seoul was in the North. In another sentence you're missing a couple words "While Hae-won had been hearing all about human rights violations in the North since kindergarten, her mother had always worried her classmates might not ". "her shorts usually showed a little too much over her legs" should be of her legs. Finally, you've got a double any in a sentence. "it wasn't like anyany sort of jewelry Hae-won"
Please keep writing!

Author's Response: Yes, I handed this over to a second beta, and the new version should be up in a few days. I hope you'll take a look at it then!

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Review #8, by The CaptainMore Than a Divided Country: Prologue The Missing Yu Twin

9th February 2011:
I generally avoid reading stories set in other countries, or with foreign exchange students because they're normally full of cliches. Your story is certainly not one of those. While the wizarding laws and culture are still the same, you've drifted far enough from Harry's world that your story is totally unique. I'm a history nerd, but I don't know that much about Korea, so I found this very enlightening. I'm not sure if I can quite believe that the twins' parents were so out of touch with the Muggle world that they didn't understand why the twins had to use their Japanese names, however. Even if they are wizards, I think that wars and foreign occupations would be large enough events that they would affect wizards as well as Muggles.
You also had some lines that should have been written negatively, but were not, such as "They were even very good at being Muggle Koreans." and "Over the years, Mi-cha lost touch with her parents- they could very well come calling now that their daughter had a Muggle husband and was raising Muggle children-not that this really felt like much of a tragedy in her eyes." I'm assuming you meant to say that the twins weren't very good at being Muggle Koreans, since they didn't quite fit in.

Author's Response: Yeah, I need to go over this story with another beta to get rid of the typos. As far as the isolation from what was happening with the Japanese later. Remember, there was a war going on with Voldemort and Muggles didn't know a thing about it.

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Review #9, by The CaptainInsula de Absentis Spiritus: Prologue

9th February 2011:
First of all, I wanted you to know that this line "And Aron already had someone in mind that he would love to have children with" brought a smile to my face. It was really sweet, although now re-reading it makes me sad considering how things turned out for Aron and Kara.
I'm marking your story as a favorite. Please update! This has a lot of potential, and really, I've yet to read anything quite like it. I'm really looking forward to seeing where things go from here, and how the Next Generation kids get involved.

Author's Response: Hehe, I'm glad that you liked that line. And yes, her fate was one that was really hard to write but one that had to happen.

Aww! Thanks! And I always update as soon as I can, though while being a college student its not as often as I would like. Thanks so much for the lovely review!


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Review #10, by The CaptainMy Almost Lonely Valentine: My Almost Lonely Valentine

9th February 2011:
Hi! I thought your characterization of Lily was fine, however I did have one problem with the story. Lily thought that Derek was the same age as her, yet she didn't know him. I found this a little hard to believe, as if they were in the same year they would have had classes together for years. Maybe they wouldn't be friends, but Lily would probably know his name. She seems to me like the kind of person who would pay attention to the people around her. I would have liked a little more explanation on Derek's background and how he was a stranger to her. I think you could have their conversation before he asks her out go on for a little bit longer, so they can find out more about each other first.
Also, when Derek first appeared, I did catch a typo. "when I a boy" This was in Lily's description of his arrival.

Author's Response: Hi thanks for the review! Yes, I see how that's unclear. I made him a seventh year in a different house and her a sixth year so I hope that clears it up. I'll look back and try to fix up that bit. I made Quinn a sort of impulsive character. Also, in this piece, both Quinn and Lily are not exactly feeling themselves because they're alone for Valentine's Day, that's why I made Lily more willing to give things with Quinn a shot. I'll be sure to go in and fix that typo! Thanks again!

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Review #11, by The CaptainGalleons: Chapter Two: The Morning After

3rd February 2011:
Watch out, Hugo. You don't want to get addicted. Another great chapter! Your plot and characterization are excellent so far, although Ron is a little harsh still in my opinion.
I did notice one line where you might want to change your phrasing. "Mrs Van Der Rich was actually a poor old woman, contrary to her name, and a widower left with lots of money from her late husband." The way this currently reads is slightly confusing. You go on to clarify it in the next line, but I stopped to re-read this one a couple times first. You might want to change it to "a widower who had been left" instead. Just a minor point, but it should be Mrs. Van Der Rich, with a period after Mrs.

Author's Response: Hehe, you'll have to wait and see what happens I suppose! I'm glad you like the plot and characterisation, making my characters as real as possible has always been fun for me :)

Also merci for pointing that out - I'll get to changing it. Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #12, by The CaptainGalleons: Chapter One: Christmas

3rd February 2011:
I have to say, your idea definitely has promise. I think this is the first story I've read that's focused on Hugo. He tends to be forgotten about, you know, or gets a basic description and the occasional appearance. Your Hugo is different though. I like the idea of his as the black sheep of the family, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
My only problem was, I don't see Ron being so cruel to him. It is quite hypocritical of him, since he went through a similar situation when he was younger. He got somewhat forgotten about in his large family, and everyone else just saw him as another Weasley, or Harry Potter's best friend. Think of how jealous he was in Goblet of Fire, or when he had to destroy the locket in Deathly Hallows.

Author's Response: Thank you! I just thought he was a good character to focus the storyon because as you said he is often forgotten. As for Ron, it's more disappointment than anything - he's always been quite judgemental and with Hugo not living up to his expectations I can imagine their relationship not being too great.

Thank you for reviewing!


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Review #13, by The CaptainJust Rose: They'd Overdone It A Bit

2nd February 2011:
Sunday morning bacon sandwiches sound amazing. I hope you're happy. I'm hungry now.
I was kind of hoping that Scorpius broke in to steal Rose's coat because it smelled like her or something. Returning it is okay too, I guess. Jesus sounds amazing, and I would like to be friends with him. He plays the ukelele, dances, and makes bacon sandwiches. What could he possibly be missing? Does he ride a unicycle too?
Oh Rose, you know you're just being ignorant. Under his creepy coating, Scorpius is a perfectly decent guy, and you wouldn't have to murder anyone to be with him! That's always a plus.

Author's Response: Writing this story always makes me hungry. If it's not bacon it's biscuits or something equally lovely.

Thank you so much for the lovely review!!


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Review #14, by The CaptainJust Rose: Let Them Eat Cake

2nd February 2011:
Yay for a comedy! You have no idea how excited I was when I read your summary. Comedy and stalkers? Stalkers make me disturbingly happy. It's about time someone found Scorpius creepy! Anyways, I think your plot is brilliant. It's certainly not your average Scorpius/Rose story. It's nice to see a story where they've graduated and aren't already married/madly in love/have 20 kids.
"I didn't know where he learned his moves from, but I sincerely doubted they had ever got married and would die lonely and unloved by many. I predicted he would meet the same end. Justice." Maybe it's just because I'm tired and a little wonky (I just type lootle. And then I made lootle into tootle...) Anyways, I'm not in top editing mode, but I found the phrasing of this slightly off. I know what you were trying to say, but it sounds like Rose thinks that Scorpius' moves are never going to get married, not the person/wild animal that he learned them from.
Other than that, I loved it and I'm off to read the next chapter!

Author's Response: Haha! I think Scorpius is bound to be creepy with his genes. Draco was never a cool guy, no matter how many people write him as a love machine. Nah, Scorpius is pretty awkward.

thank you so much for the awesome review :D


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Review #15, by The CaptainAlone: Alone

2nd February 2011:
The one grammatic error that I noticed was that when you include however in the middle of a sentence, you only put a comma on the right of it. You should have a comma on both sides of however. Example: She desperately wanted a snack, however, she knew that dinner would be ready in a few more minutes.
I liked the plot, and was glad that things didn't work out for Draco and Pansy. I've personally never been able to see them lasting. Pansy always seemed like a time filler to Draco, not a real partner. My one problem was with the fact that Draco had tortured people. I personally can't see him doing this. It might be just me, but I don't believe that Draco is strong enough to do something like that. He couldn't kill Dumbledore, and while the two things are very different, Draco does not seem brave enough to torture someone.

Author's Response: Thank you for pointing out the comma issue, it's something I struggle with a lot so errors being pointed out really helps me learn :)

I agree that it may seem difficult to believe Draco is capable of torture but I believe that he is very critical of his own failings and he is very resilient (ie- fixing the cabinet) so I don't think it's entirely OOC for him to turn this anger at his failings into anger at others. And I think if he was used by the Dark Lord to torture people regularly, he would eventually find a way to ignore his own emotions. JK said once the reason Draco could bully was because he lacked compassion for others.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound defensive! I really do appreciate your review, thank you :)


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Review #16, by The CaptainThe Trials of being James Potter's Girlfriend: From Prince to Prat!

31st January 2011:
First of all, the description James' special place made me think of Avatar. Anyways...
"Shit, I feel like I was meant to get the new nimbus 3000 but all I got was a comet 480." This line brought a huge smile to my face.
You've still got some grammatic errors, specifically with punctuation and to/too/two. Your characterization and plot are coming along nicely though! I love the idea of the Hufflepuffs standing up for themselves. I do love Hufflepuffs, and they never receive enough credit.
I also loved the Hufflepuff girls' conversation at the end of the chapter about who to hex. It came off very realistic, and funny.

Author's Response: Ha ha I kind of thought of something like that while I was trying to describe it, so glad you thought along the same lines. I will definitely try and re-work some of those gramma errors. Glad you enjoyed the conversation and that it came of realistic. Thanks again for taking the time to read and review:-D!!

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Review #17, by The CaptainThe Trials of being James Potter's Girlfriend: Jealous? ......Thought so

31st January 2011:
Hi there! I like the characterization of Fred so far, but I have a few little issues with Drew and James' friends. Drew seems a little braggy. I know she's probably love-struck, but you might want to keep an eye on that so it doesn't get out of hand. I also didn't care for the fact that Kieran and Toni sound perfect. Besides Drew, the first few characters you introduced all sound amazing, which isn't very realistic. Try to show some flaws!
Some grammatic errors: "It says here that to best friends are suing each other for get this 100,000 galleons." You used the wrong form here. It should be two, not to. "On a girl's weekend to Ireland" should read girls' since there is more than one girl involved. Also, I noticed that it also says "keep a them" during Lily's description of the lawsuit. I'm assuming this was a typo, and you didn't mean to have the a in there. Another typo/confusing wording: "she thinks lucky with the fact that you remembered her name" and "People moving around me I just couldnít believe what had just happened". You've also got some missing commas and periods here and there.

Author's Response: Hi:-) thanks for taking the time to read and review. Thanks ever so much for the grammar pointers, I will absoutely work those in to try and make the chapter better. Don't worry I will give my characters some flaws:-). Thanks again!!

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Review #18, by The CaptainIn These Dark Times...: Astronomy

29th January 2011:
My favorite part would have to be when Clark described Pansy as a "portly bison". Now I'm picturing a bison running around Hogwarts in a uniform. Anyways, I'm liking your characterization of Clark. She has it all, but she doesn't seem quite happy with the state of her world. I'd like to see more of her reflections on the current state of things, and particularly her opinion on Voldemort. Does she agree with his views when it comes to Muggles? How did Voldemort deal with finding out that Clark's father works amongst Muggles? Clark said that he's now a mole, but was Voldemort always so pleased?
I like how you included Millicent! Pansy is popular in stories, but I have yet to see Millicent show up in any other story.

Author's Response: You are the second one to say that about Pansy's description!
About Clark I'd have to say she's grown up with the whole looking down on muggles bit, but she's quite indifferent about Voldy's business.
Voldy doesn't like that he is working with muggles, but it is required of Mr. Astors station. So You-know-Who is using it to his advantage to keep tabs on the muggles, but because of his hatred of them Mr.Astor kinda has to prove himself and keep up appearances. Kinda like how the Minister knew the Prime Minister.
Yeah, I used Millicent because I didn't want to have to invent to many characters, and like you said she isn't used often.
Thanks for the Reviews they've been helpful!
-B


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Review #19, by The CaptainIn These Dark Times...: The Prologue/ Informer

29th January 2011:
First of all, I was super excited when I saw that you sent me a request. I've been meaning to start reading In These Dark Times for a couple weeks now, and this finally gave me the push I needed. I was a little nervous, since I've never read something so AU before.
Now that I've actually started reading it, I don't get why I let that hold me back before. Finding out that Clark's family is on Voldemort's side was even more exciting to me. It's refreshing to see things from the other side, but not from the Malfoys.
On to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Tee Hee, I'm really happy to hear that someone actually wanted to read my story! Thank you for the review and the read!

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Review #20, by The CaptainSecond Hand Ticking: Second Hand Ticking

29th January 2011:
Yay! I've read so many stories where while Ron isn't happy about Rose dating Scorpius, he has never held out for long. It's nice to see him holding onto that grudge for once. Rose and Scorpius stories start with the love-hate drama, and so often end with a happily ever after. Things work out so perfectly for them, but you didn't follow that trend at all. I haven't read any of the other We're Pregnant challenge entries, but I have a feeling that you'll win. This story seemed so perfect for the challenge. Rose's pregnancy was the final straw, and the turning point of their marriage so far.
Also, the title is perfect! How do you come up with your titles? I've always been awful with them.
I loved how this was dramatic without...actually having that much drama in it, you know? It was a tense situation which made it dramatic.

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to come by and review this story! =) I'm so glad to hear your opinions on it, and I'm pleased to see you liked the take I took on the challenge. And thank you for your vote of confidence, as well!

As far as titles, I don't ever give any story I'm working on a title until the very end, after it's all written and re-written and edited. =) Then I go back and look for prevalent themes and the most hard-hitting (in my opinion) parts of the story, and center the title around them. (The exception to this comes in my novella, which is still a WIP; the title comes from a sentence I'm planning on including in the last chapter.)

Thank you so much for coming by and leaving a review, it means a lot to me that you did. =)


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Review #21, by The CaptainThe Minister of Magic's Daughter: When My World Changed

29th January 2011:
Love the cliffhanger at the end! This is actually the first story I've read that has focused on the Minister and his family, surprisingly. I mean, there are so many movies and tv shows about this sort of thing, but yours is the first fan fiction I've read, so I commend you on your uniqueness.
Great first chapter! We're introduced to the characters, and the setting, while still having a little bit of drama, and a lot of promise. You still managed to fit in a bit of characterization, and I'm sure we'll see more later. Specifically, I'd like to learn more about Callum. Who exactly is he? What's his plan once he actually does take over the Ministry? Why does he want to do this? Did Liam Frost know he was being backed by such a sinister character? And finally, how exactly did the plan to rig the election fail?

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, it really made my day. I'm not sure if there is anything out there on the Minister either, this just came to me one day, and hey, when the idea comes, you have to write.

Yes, Callum and his agenda is so far a mystery, I want to unravel him slowly. I've left a lot of unknowns about him to entice interest and heighten the mystery. I do, thankfully, know all the answers to the questions you asked and as the story unfolds so will the answers.

Thanks again, it's a relief to know that I am on the right track. The first chapter is so important.


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Review #22, by The CaptainBadgers, Blushing and Gods of Lurve: These Lips are Virgin Lips

27th January 2011:
Hey there! I'm actually on Chapter 31 or so of the story right now, but it's about time to leave you a review. So I'm leaving it on Chapter 1. Anyways, I adore your story. I would have posted oodles of review (and I should have) but I've been so eager to keep reading that I didn't want to stop and review. Maybe I'll do that once I'm caught up.
Katie makes me giggle, and I want to be her best friend. Ironically (I don't know if it's actually ironic... But I can't come up with a better word) my name is Emily and my best friend's name is Katie. Although I'd like to think I'm more like this Katie. But I don't think my friend Katie is like Emily.
I'm just typing what pops into my head first right now.
Katie needs to divorce Fred Jr. already and marry Albus! They need to make little Gryfflepuffs together. Also, Michaelangelo and Wallace (Yes? No? Maybe?) are greatly missed. While Pez is great, I wouldn't say no to some more inanimate/inarticulate friends.
More more more! Also, why don't you have a Meet the Author page? I'm sure I'm not the only one who would love to ask you some questions and get to know the evil mastermind behind this fabulous story!

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Review #23, by The CaptainLeaping Obstacles: Herbology

17th January 2011:
First of all, I have to say I really enjoyed that you used the word flagons. Completely off topic, and not really relevant to a review, but it made me happy.
Besides eliminating Cho from the equation (Although Katie Bell was technically a year younger than Angelina and Alicia. You're certainly not the first to bump her up a year, and it just seems easier to have all the Chaser girls in the same year.), your story is sticking well to cannon. Of course, the whole point of writing is to be creative, but I think the less cannon stories are, the less believable or the more cliched they are. I love how you've kept the Triwizard Tournament in the story still. I haven't read a story before about the tournament from the point of view of someone on Cedric's side, so this will be interesting.
One thing though, I found the phrasing of something Angelina said a little off "Herbology was never my thing, I barely failed". I don't know if you need the barely here. Normally it's I barely passed. Barely failing isn't really something you'd want to do, so I would think people would just say they failed the class, since it doesn't really matter how badly they failed by, you know?
Your pacing is good so far, as is characterization. Hope this review was what you were looking for!

Author's Response: Your review is exactly what I was looking for! (I know, right? 'Flagons' is just such an awesome word!)

I meant to actually make a mention of that - I realized about three chapters into the story that Katie was younger, but decided to keep what I'd written because, as you said, it's easier.

I agree with you, the wording's a little twisty, but I think my point gets across. =)

Thank you very, very much for your extremely helpful review!


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Review #24, by The CaptainThe Human Factor : The One Where It All Begins

16th January 2011:
Yay! I was super excited when you requested a review since I haven't gotten to review many comedies, and I think you're brilliant.
I also happen to be a spelling and grammar freak, and you asked for it, so I did find a couple tiny errors. Error #1: "it had a little bell around it's neck" Wrong its. Also, I'm curious, does the chocolate rabbit have a real bell around its neck, or is it a chocolate bell? Not that that matters at all. It's chocolate and I'm curious.
Error #2: "See, her chest it moving". Of course, Albus could have a bit of caveman in him, but I'm going to guess you meant for this to read "is moving".
I think your portrayal of icy Albus is great. I've seen happy Al, funny Al, skanky Al, emo Al, and every combination of those 4 that you could possibly imagine (except happy emo. How would that work out?) , but I don't think I've seen icy Al yet.
Pippa's funny, but there's more to her, which we saw when she was describing icy Al.
Thanks for the request!

Author's Response: I love writing comedies! :D I'm so glad!

Thanks, I changed that! It's a real bell! I actually based the description on a real life chocolate. It's Lindt ;D It's amazing & I was eating it at the same time as I was writing this.

I changed that too! Thanks for pointing that out.

Haha, I'm glad you like Icy Al, it works so well for the story :) Haha, happy emo wouldn't quite work would it! :P

Yeah, she has more sides to her :) But this side worked for the indroduction.

Thanks so much for the review.

- Keely.
xoxoxo


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Review #25, by The CaptainBeyond Help: Ain't no rest for the wicked

16th January 2011:
I'm loving the Illegals. They sort of remind me of the mafia the way that they make deals with people and such. I'm a bit confused about the duck thing. Why was the professor telling Deb to not make her wobble like a duck?
Anyways, your plot and characterization are fine. With a little help from a beta reader when it comes to grammar, you could have a really great story on your hands.

Author's Response: I really want to have a good story! Thanks for the pointers~

-Vi.


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