Reading Reviews From Member: marissa lily potter
  
191 Reviews Found

Review #1, by marissa lily potterFounders Four: Pillars of the Ages: Chapter one: The Beginning

18th April 2015:
Hey there!

Let me apologize for how long it's taken me to get to reviewing your story. And boy, am I angry with myself for not having got to it sooner because that was one incredibly intriguing and amazing chapter! I adore Founder's stories. I think they're underrated and there aren't very many good ones out there. From what I've read so far, I don't think yours falls into that category at all! I really liked the way you stared the story off with that bit of prologue. It caught my attention right away. So many times have authors used lines from the Sorting Hat within Founder's stories, but rarely do they ever tie into the characters so soon!

Getting to see a younger Slytherin was interesting, I think. I never thought of him as the bookish type but I can definitely see it. I think the interaction between Slytherin and his mother was a bit... awkward. Maybe he's just a very silent fellow but it didn't seem like a mother-son talk. But maybe that was the point haha! But what I'm trying to say is that I do like Salazar's character! I think he's very intriguing and even though he hasn't done much yet, you can tell that he's observant! I can totally feel that there's a lot that he will be able to do.

The mentor-mentee relationship between Ingvar and Godric was amazing. I loved the way they interacted with one another! I think it's so unique of you to introduce Godric into Salazar's life by giving him a basis for a relationship with Salazar's father first. I can't say it's something I've ever seen before and I'm very intrigued by it! I love character relationships and I think you've done such a good job with building Ingvar and Godric's! I'm really looking forward to reading more about them!

I enjoyed this first chapter a lot. I see a lot of potential for it and you've set it up very nicely. I can tell that this is the calm before the story and I am looking forward to watching it unfold. Great work!

Cheers,

Marissa

Author's Response: Thank you, I feel so bad that I'm getting all this feedback, yet it's taking me ages to finish chapter three. I recently just started rewriting the entire thing, but I swear if I have to force myself with every fiber of my being to get it done, I'm not dropping off this story!

That said, I'm really happy you liked the first chapter, and it's mostly Salazar's character...he's a bit quite in the beginning. Gets a little more outspoken after Godric gets a hold of him.. I'm going to enjoy writing that. XD


 Report Review

Review #2, by marissa lily potterThe Lost Wolf: A Wolf at the Door

18th April 2015:
Hey there!

That's a really unique twist you've put on your story. I'm not sure if Cassandra is related to Remus Lupin or not... but I think she might be. I wasn't quite clear on that and I'm really sorry if I made a mistake reading this, but I'm not quite sure of her relationship with Remus Lupin. Considering that the story summary indicates a Sirius/Cassandra relationship, I'm going to assume that she's around the same age as them. xD

Anyway, back to the story itself. I think it's a really interesting twist you've put on it! Combining the army and magic together is a unique thing to do and I can't say I've ever read a story like that before. I mean, I think it'll be interesting to see what kind of a person Cassandra is, especially after enduing army training. I know that's tough and I'm really interested to see the kind of person she is and how she changes when she finds out she's not a simple Muggle.

Cassandra's character was a bit... all over the place. I felt confused while reading this chapter and I understand that it's the first chapter so I'm hoping that it comes together soon! Her relationships with her "father" is interesting and terse, at best. I think that he's going to play an important role (or maybe not, what do I know? :P). Either way, I feel like he does have a lot to do with the kind of person she might be. The bit about where he said that she was just a tool for him made me so angry because it was very believable. There are a lot of people out there who use kids for their own means and it's not a widely travelled subject, but it's definitely good to see you tie it in here!

While the first chapter had me a little confused, it also had me intrigued and I'm looking forward to seeing how this comes together. Muggles finding out about magic is always one of my favourite parts about a fan fiction to read because everyone does it differently. I can't wait to see how you go about it!

I'm so sorry it took me so long to get to reviewing your chapter, but thank you for requesting! It was a pleasure reading this chapter. :)

Cheers!

Marissa

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for your review, and don't worry about the delay... As you see, I am not very good at responding in time too! ;)

I am glad this first chapter intrigued you! I admit that, after 21 chapters, there are many things I would like to change in it, mostly regarding language and grammar, but I am happy you appreciated it even though it confused you a bit! Actually, this first introduction was meant to be not too revealing... I really don't like when an author tells everything about a character in the first ten lines of a story, it takes away all the pleasure in reading a certain work... I promise that in the next chapters lots of things will be explained, but I will maintain a regular pace, not too quick.

Regarding pairings, characters' age etc... I am afraid I can't tell you a lot, apart from the fact that when I started writing this, my idea of the outcome of this story was a tad bit different from what it came out to be... I actually stopped at a point and asked myself: "What happened?!". So, well... The romantic side of this story may be reeeally different from what I had originally thought. I'll leave to you the pleasure of finding out what I mean :)

Thanks again, I'll certainly re-request :)


 Report Review

Review #3, by marissa lily potterStill Into You: Need you now

5th April 2015:
Hiya!

I have never really gotten into reading Teddy and Victoire fanfics because they tend to be gushy and while there's nothing wrong with that, I do like to see a bit of a different take on characters (even if they're next generation characters) so I really enjoyed reading this fic. I thought that the way you portrayed Victoire's emotions was perfect. Through her, I could feel the loss that she felt for Teddy. I could feel her emptiness, her anger and her sorrow all at the same time. I've never been in a situation like the one that Victoire was in before but I could still relate because the way you portrayed her emotions was so strong.

As for Teddy, even though we only got to see him through Victoire's point of view, I didn't find myself hating him. I think that's what makes it so sad though. The fact that Teddy leaving was understandable. He didn't love her anymore and he wanted to move on and that's fine but so long as Victoire is willing to move on too. She clearly was not willing to move on, so the story become so much sadder. I expected to dislike Teddy and think that he was awful for leaving her but I didn't and I'm glad that I didn't because there's a sort of understanding that you can't force someone's emotions.

I felt really bad for Victoire though. When she turned to potions and alcohol to soothe her mind, I could really feel how emotional she was. It's not uncommon for people to drown their sorrows in alcohol and pain relievers just so that they don't feel the pain anymore but that didn't make the scene any less sadder.

Even though I have never been in a situation like Victoire's before, I could still relate to her. I think this is in part to do with how well you've characterized Victoire. In such a small amount of time, I felt like I knew her very well and I'm glad that I got that sense because it was important for me to be able to relate to her. I don't think I would have been able to get the right feel of the story if I didn't understand and relate to Victoire. On a personal level, that wasn't there, but on an emotional level, it was. I just wanted to hold her and comfort her and oh my, it made me so sad thinking about how she still isn't over Teddy.

I just wish she would let someone else know her pain. So many people like to keep their emotions bottled up but clearly it wasn't good for her. This was sad but so well written! Thanks for the read and great work!

Cheers.

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for reading and reviewing!

I am glad you found this a good read! I am not a Teddy/Vic fan - I always like to see them broken up - so I enjoyed writing this ;) I am pleased you connected with Victoire though. And as for Teddy, yes he doesn't deserve hatred here - these things happen, people fall out love, it's not (entirely) his fault.
I am glad you could relate to Vic and felt sorry for her and that you wanted to comfort her. Thank you so much for the comments!


 Report Review

Review #4, by marissa lily potterNothing Like This: Chapter 2: Donum Voldemorte

5th April 2015:
Hello again!

I couldn't help but read the next chapter as soon as I finished the first and wrote up a review for it. Seriously, why are you such an amazing writer? I bask in your talent. You've got such a way with words. Everything you write is wonderful. I think my favourite part about your writing is your descriptions. You're not overly descriptive to the point where I feel like it's dragging on and the picture becomes fuzzy instead of getting clearer. No, you add just the right amount of description so that I know what the setting might look like, what the people might look like and even get a feel of the emotions.

With that being said, you did such a wonderful job at describing Hermione. I can imagine that after five years of being on the run, her body must have taken a toll and you seem to understand what it has done to her perfectly. There's a bit of a manic side to Hermione, which is both frightening and fascinating at the same time but I can see it working out perfectly! I can't imagine what losing all her friends and family must have done to her over the course of five years. And now, she's the last of the Resistance and I can't imagine handling that is easy either.

I like that you included the world was running rampant with Vampires, Werewolves, Acromantula, etc. It shows just how much chaos and destruction there really is going on. I imagine the werewolves are more like Fenrir Greyback than Remus Lupin from he way that they were described. To me, it almost seems like there's a darkened aura over the world and that's how I saw it when I was reading through your two chapters.

I feel so bad for Hermione. She has so much strength and resolve but the poor woman has gone through so much. She's just as strong and willful as the Hermione that we know and love but she's more mature as well. I'm very excited and a bit nervous to see how the next chapter plays out with Voldemort there. There's so much mystery and intrigue in here that it's killing me (in the good way of course haha). Draco and Hermione's interactions are something that I look forward to.

Seriously, you've done such a wonderful job with these first 2 chapters. I'm so glad that I had a chance to read them and I look forward to continuing! ^.^ Great work!

~Marissa

Author's Response: Naw,

Now you've got me all smiley and blushing and doing a little happy dance. I'm really pleased you like the story and that you went on to read this one after reviewing the first one. It's so wonderful of you.

Thanks so much for this, it makes me happy to know that I don't seem too descriptive, as I worry sometimes that i might go into too much or too little detail about things.

I hope you'll be back for more when I next update and thanks again so much for reading and reviewing for me.

xx-Ellie


 Report Review

Review #5, by marissa lily potterNothing Like This: Chapter 1: Venture in Aeternum et Ultra

5th April 2015:
Hello!

Let me start off by saying how sorry I am that it has taken me so long to get to your fic.

Now that that's out of the way... WOW. I am slowly becoming more and more obsessed with reading dark/horror fics. They did not used to be my cup of tea at all but once I started to read the stories where the characters were so well developed and it was so easy for me to get into their mindset and live the story through them (whether they were the bad characters or the good ones) I realized just how powerful dark/horror fics can be. If they're well-written, anything is possible and you my friend, are one brilliant writer.

I cannot get enough of your work! I am so pleased to have been able to read this fic for more than one reason. Right from the start, you had me hooked. I recognized Neville's speech from DH part 2 and I couldn't help but wonder where this was going. I knew this was going to be a dark/horror fic so I had a creepy feeling that Harry wasn't going to survive and I was a little afraid to keep reading because of that but I am so glad that I did.

All the feels that I got from reading about them losing all the people who were fighting against Voldemort made me so upset. I found myself emotionally drained while reading about the past and when Seamus woke Hermione up and the realization hit me that they were the last, I couldn't help but tear up. I knew Seamus was going to die but that didn't make it any easier.

Also, lets talk about Draco for a little bit... OH MY GOSH HE WAS SO PERFECT. When you said dark Draco, I was thinking "oh how bad can it be" but man oh man, was I wrong. The best part was that I could totally see him like that. The Draco that we knew from the HP series was not like this but I feel like he had the potential to be. I mean, after you had awful things happen to you and your family and you've seen death and destruction all around you, wouldn't you have the potential to turn into what he is?

I am so intrigued by this story! It's definitely going on my favourites list so that I can keep up with it haha. Also, the fact that you have never written a dark fic like this before does not come off at all. I don't get the feeling that you're inexperienced with this genre, no way! I think you've done a wonderful job at opening up the story line. You've made it interesting and unique. The characterizations were spot on and I am looking forward to seeing them develop!

I look forward to being able to read more of this fic! :D

Cheers!

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hey Marissa!

Thanks so much for doing this review for me. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. The whole idea just kind of popped into my head one day and has been sitting there festering slowly. I'm really pleased you liked the characterization and that you find it interesting. I was worried it might not be since I've not read much like this one the archives here before. Usually it's more romance like the other Dramiones I write.

Also, I'm so stoked that you went on and reviewed the next chapter too. Thank you so much for doing that, it's really lovely of you. Totally made my day to get up to find these reviews =)

xx-Ellie


 Report Review

Review #6, by marissa lily potterin this moment: i am ticking like clockwork

5th April 2015:
Hey there!

I really loved this fic. I thought it was just the right amount of cute, quirky and serious. It was really nice being able read about James and Lily from such a different perspective. Everyone always has their own way of depicting how the two actually got together and while the story doesn't exactly confirm that this is how they started going out, it does give us a little bit of James and Lily action which I love. You let things develop well but also left it open to interpretation which I think was fantastic.

Can I just say that I am in love with your Lily? Seriously, I am. I love how feisty and strong she is. The story summary fits perfectly with your characterization of Lily. I think you played with a different side of Lily and you did a fantastic job of it! We don't often see Lily as cold but even while she was cold, I saw softness in her. I always thought of Lily as a very strong character with many different leading characteristics and you've made her just that in this fic.

The different scenes were nice. It gave us a bit of backstory without it being too much. The shifting scenes also helped keep my interest. Sometimes, they can be confusing more than helpful but you did a wonderful job at using them consistently well. It worked with your story summary as well! You said that Lily had a clockwork inside of her and I could see that so perfectly! She was complicated but her character was also quite well developed and consistent. I didn't feel like she went out of character at any point during this story!

James and Lily are seriously one of my favourite pairs to read and this story didn't disappoint in that area at all. Your writing style is great and the story kept my interest. I found myself wanting to read more at the end, which I think is always a good sign haha. I enjoyed reading the story and look forward to seeing more of your work around the site!

Cheers.

~Marissa

Author's Response: Aah, I'm so sorry about not responding! To be honest, part of the reason for the wait was because I was trying to find the words to respond. *__*

I'm really glad that you love my Lily! I know she's quite OOC to most people, but I'm really grateful to hear that you like her!

I'm also so glad that you liked the different scenes! I wasn't sure if they were too confusing or not, but I'm glad to know that you didn't think so, and that you could relate it to the summary :)

Thank you so much for the awesome review! :D


 Report Review

Review #7, by marissa lily potterUgly Eloise: Chapter 1

15th March 2015:
That was so incredibly sweet!

I'm such a sucker for cute, romantic, one-shots and this one definitely filled me up with all the mushy feels I love. I thought you did such a great job at portraying Eloise and Justin. Eloise being bullied and struggling with not being conventionally attractive felt very real to me. It's something that a lot of girls deal with and it's not a great feeling so I'm really glad that you showed that feeling like that can be overcome! It was important for Eloise to not only be told that she's beautiful but for her to feel that way too.

And I thought she definitely did by the end of the story. Your story was fluffy but definitely not overly so because it felt like something that could and does happen to quite a few people. Being bullied is a huge issue so it's not farfetched at all that Pansy would bully Eloise and that Justin would step in for her. Speaking of Pansy though, I'm glad that Justin managed to step in and show her that she was just being a hypocrite.

Oh, Justin. I really did like him! We don't know much about him, but I can definitely see why he's a Hufflepuff. He's so loyal and kind and caring! I'm glad that he pushed on to try and talk to Eloise even though she was very shy. Their character dynamic was lovely. They're similar to one another, but also different. Eloise is hesitant and Justin pushes her to realize her potential. I think that's what makes them so great for one another and why I could see them being together!

The flow of this story was wonderful. Everything seemed to build on itself. You set the first scene up well, making Eloise's struggles clear and introducing Justin. I felt very sympathetic towards Eloise and that was good because I think that might have been the point. I could see that she wasn't weak though, even if others thought she might be. She was just trying to avoid trouble but I could also see where Justin was coming from. I'm really glad that he was able to get through to her.

You could tell that she was still a little doubtful but she was also hopeful and that was important. It's not easy for someone who has been bullied and has had one mindset for so many years to suddenly change their opinion because of something one person says but I liked that she started to trust him and see things from his perspective. It showed hope and that was amazing!

This was just a lovely, adorable story. I'm really glad that I got to read it. You're a great writer and I love your work. ^.^

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hi Marissa!

Gosh, you leave such lovely, detailed reviews. I really appreciate that!

Your comments on this story make me so happy. I really wanted Eloise to be relatable to most women (or I guess just people in general) because really who hasn't been bullied at one point or another? The reason I picked Eloise is because in the HP series all we ever learn of her is that she has horrible acne and a crooked nose which she accidentally jinxed off...so I just tried to create my story around those details.

Justin always struck me as a nice, likable sort of guy, so I thought he would be a good match for Eloise. I like how he sort of brings her out of her shell.

As for her transformation, Justin's kinds word definitely help her to realize that she isn't what Pansy says she is. I like to think it starts a journey inside of her to truly realize who she is.

Thank you again for your review!

~Kaitlin


 Report Review

Review #8, by marissa lily potterThe Most Powerfully Magical Number: And Three

13th March 2015:
Hello there!

I have to say, compared to the previous two chapters, this one was a bit slow. By no means was it poorly written or uninteresting but I think the previous two chapters were so action filled that this one was lacking in comparison. The end did have a lot going on so while the beginning was a bit tough to get through, the end definitely made up for it. I think you have a very unique writing style. You give a lot of description and background information to introduce your characters and it's great to be able to relate to them on such a personal level early, but sometimes it can be a bit much.

Sara's bio in the beginning felt like it was dragging a little bit. Perhaps the importance of it all comes back later but I thought it dragged a little bit. But I did like this chapter! I liked the introduction of new characters and I like how fondly they look towards Cherry and Adam. I thought that it was really nice to see how those two had affected others.

I'm really interested in all the magic that you have going on. It's not conventional at all. You've got a really imaginative take on magic and I could see that from reading one of your other stories. I like how fun and exciting you make all of it! I'm really fascinated at your take. You take known concepts and make them your own by changing them and adding your own twists to them. It's great that you're doing it because it makes the story really unique.

The story is already pretty unique with it being set in a different country and continent entirely, but I like that. It's a new perspective and you've definitely opened my mind up to that possibility. There were a couple of grammar mistakes but it wasn't so bad. Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter. It was fun and action-filled towards the end. You've really set it up quite nicely!

Thanks for requesting. :)

~Marissa

 Report Review

Review #9, by marissa lily potterThe Most Powerfully Magical Number: And Two

10th March 2015:
Hiya!

Well, you've certainly caught my attention with this story! Your characterizations are coming along quite nicely! The first chapter was a bit lacking in characterization but you definitely made up for it here! I really do like how you've established character relationships. I was a little confused in the first chapter but you definitely put everything together in this second chapter. It made a lot more sense and was a lot easier to follow so well done!

I like all the suspense going on here! I'm always a fan of adventure and suspense and you've done a pretty good job piecing it all together. I'm very curious to see what happens as this was a flashback, yes? Just a small thing to note. I've noticed that you're using single quotation marks around words that are emphasized. Might I suggest using italics instead? I know it can be a little tricky to format text here but the simple edit works very well and uses HTML which is very easy to use! ^.^ I just thought it was a little distracting and I got the gist of what you were trying to do but I think it would be better if you used italics.

The flow in this chapter was great! I really like Emily/Cherry. She's an interesting character. She's tough but also sympathetic and I find myself liking her. All your characters are very likeable, which is great because it makes them easier to relate to as well. I like how easy conversation is between them and you can really see how well they work together as a team. I feel like there's some information missing here but it's just a game of patience at this point so I'm looking forward to continue reading this story and see where it goes!

I thought you wrote your action scenes very well! Sometimes, too much action can feel a little bit choppy but I didn't feel like that at all. The flow was great, your characterizations are coming along really well and the plot is fascinating! I think you're doing a fantastic job with this story!

Cheers!

~Marissa

 Report Review

Review #10, by marissa lily potterThe Most Powerfully Magical Number: One

9th March 2015:
Hello!

This is certainly a story unlike any other I've read before. I have to say, the beginning was confusing. It wasn't that you introduced a lot of characters because that's not so bad, but I think the explanation of the relationships between the characters could have been better. I had to reread the first half of the story a couple of times before I finally understood who was who and even then, I feel like I might be mixing them up.

It's really interesting to see a story set entirely in a different country with no previous or mentioned characters from the Harry Potter series incorporated. I've never read an HP fanfiction of the sort but I did like it! Your writing style is great and easy to follow along. Besides the mix-up with the characters (honestly, that may just be me being slow today) the chapter was fun to read. I thought it was a little slow at times but you gave us quite a bit of background information so I think it definitely makes up for the slowness.

I thought the flow was okay. It could have been better. It was a little choppy and I think that may have been caused by my earlier confusion but by no means was it awful! I do like the concept that you have going for this story. I'm actually quite excited to continue reading and see where you're going to go with it. There's so much that could happen! Your characters are all very funny and unique and likeable. I especially like Matt. xD He's definitely sort of a comic relief, which is great! But I can see that there's more to his character than just being funny so that's nice too.

Uh oh, what happened to Emily? This whole Muggle and Magical thing that you have going on is fascinating. You've taken a common theme but put your own twist on it, which makes it very unique and likeable! I already feel myself growing attached to these characters and it's only the first chapter so great work with that! I'm glad I got to read this chapter because it has certainly opened my mind up to a new realm of possibilities. Overall, this was an enjoyable read! Great work!

Cheers,

Marissa

 Report Review

Review #11, by marissa lily potterBreak Up With Him: Break Up With Him

8th March 2015:
D'awww!

That was so adorable and cute! I LOVE LOVE LOVE Lily and James and I think their story is so tragic but I always picture how they got together in my head and the scenarios are always adorable and quirky and cute. You've definitely helped my head canon feel incredibly happy haha.

I love your characterization of Lily. I thought it was so perfect the way you could se her struggling about breaking up with Edric and really thinking about whether their relationships was good or not. I can also see her struggling not to like James but not being able to. She was fantastic and I appreciate that so much! You definitely stuck true to her. She's kind and intelligent but also not someone who could be with someone who doesn't stimulate her mentally. I always thought that's why Lily and James were so great for one another!

I also really like that you gave Lily a friend who was not a Gryffindor. There are so many stories about characters who are only friends with other people from their own house. But Hogwarts is so large and I can't picture not having friends outside of your own house! Lily also seems like the type of person who would be welcoming to a lot of people. The fact that she was friends with Snape for so long is definitely indicative of the type of good person that she is so it was nice to see her good friend come from another house.

So, Sirius is actually my favourite character in the entire Harry Potter series. I'm always nervous about reading any portrayal of Sirius because I adore him so much but you did a fantastic job sticking to his character! He and James are close and you can really see that here. He's also funny and charming and I loved that he's James wingman. I can definitely see that happening haha. The conversation between him and Lily is just how I picture it to be. Friendly but not overly so. You can tell that he cares about James and wants Lily to see the good in him.

I thought the awkwardness between Lily and Snape was great. I honestly wanted to cover my face at how awkward it was. xD But good on Lily for not letting Snape's awful words affect her too much (or at least show it)! You did a fantastic job with characterization and flow. I really enjoyed reading this story! Great work!

Cheers!

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hi Marissa!

I'm glad you liked the characterization! Sirius as we know him as an adult would obviously be vastly different than teenage Sirius, back before the betrayals and Azkaban and the fighting so I'm glad you thought I did him justice. As for Harry's parents, we know so much and so little about them at the same time so I'm glad you like how I portrayed them.

I agree with you about inter-house friendships! Your statement about why you think Lily realistically would be friends with people from other houses is very similar to my opinion. (Great minds think alike I guess!) Being friends with students from different houses especially would make sense given the need to fight against a common foe.

Thank you so much for the lovely review! It made me smile. =)


 Report Review

Review #12, by marissa lily potterA Muggle's Wand: Back to London

8th March 2015:
Hiya!

This was an interesting chapter. I liked the insight we got on Hermione and all that she's been doing since the end of the war. It definitely helps build her character better. We didn't get much of an appearance from Hermione in the last chapter so it was nice to see that this one was dedicated to her. I always liked Hermione and I thought that she would do big things when she graduated from Hogwarts.

While that is the case though, I don't know, something about her being an Auror didn't stick by me. I just didn't think that was the type of career she would go into. Not because she wouldn't be good at it because well, it's Hermione and I'm sure she would be able to do anything she put her mind to but I always thought of her as someone who fought for equality to make the world a better place to live. Maybe I just thought she would have bigger potential.

Still, I'm excited to see what you do with her as an Auror. Ah, her relationship with Ron kind of made me sad but I guess it is what it is. I'm quite nervous to see how that plays out now haha. I thought you did a very good job at portraying Hermione. She was composed, witty and thoughtful. Her characterization was spot on! I'm incredibly pleased about that.

Once again, this was a great chapter. It's nice to see that Hermione has such a high position in the Ministry because that seems like the type of things she would be able to accomplish very early on in her career. I was interested while reading this and although this chapter didn't have as much action as the last one, it was still fun and exciting! The flow was great again. It was a bit slow but I think that's because this chapter had a lot of background information. I don't blame you for that though and I'm actually very pleased that we got so much background information. It definitely makes picturing everything easier!

Great work!

~Marissa

 Report Review

Review #13, by marissa lily potterA Muggle's Wand: Undisputed

8th March 2015:
Hey there!

Wow, that was a really interesting chapter to read! I loved the way that you introduced Harry and Ron into this chapter. I thought it was so exciting and completely believable. It was really nice to see the two working together. It reminded me so much of their Hogwarts days but also, you could see just how much they both had matured and changed. The fact that you kept true to their canon selves is applaudable. You really kept the original characters the way they were but you also added your own touch to them, which was very unique.

This chapter was fast paced but it didn't feel choppy at all. In fact, I thought you had great flow in this chapter! I think the adventure part of it really helped keep my attention. You wrote the changes in scene very well and I never felt the movement as sudden or odd. Everything fit together very nicely. I'm very excited to see where you go with the Muggle with the wand here! I can already see bits and pieces starting to come together but it'll be very exciting to see it all come together.

I like how easy conversation is between Ron, Harry, Hermione and Ginny. It was really nice to see that they are all still close to one another but also, they've changed and grown up. That's one of the things I'm very picky about in Post-Hogwarts fics but you're doing a fantastic job of giving them their own lives. I'm looking forward to reading more about Hermione and Ginny. Also, I'm looking forward to how you portray the character relationships.

You have a very intriguing story going on here. There's a lot of mystery and adventure and I can see it building up suspense, which is great! The flow is amazing and I definitely appreciate your use of page breaks to break up where a new scene starts. I enjoyed reading this chapter and am looking forward to reading more of your story!

Cheers.

~Marissa

 Report Review

Review #14, by marissa lily potterRaising Voices: Raising Voices

23rd February 2015:
I am truly impressed with this story. The reason it caught my eye so quickly was the summary. There are a lot of women today who identify as feminists but give feminism a bad name and that has always been one of my pet peeves. The feminist Hermione that you have created was charming, persuasive, kind, intelligent, fair, and above all, a good role model. This story really resonated with me.

Feminism is something I am incredibly passionate about. I have had numerous discussions with various friends and strangers about feminism and more often than not, I come out of the conversation angry and annoyed that some people just don't understand what the meaning is. I am so impressed with the way you portrayed feminism and the types of comments that are received.

I really like your characterization of Ron. He's not a bad guy and we can all see that but he says things without thinking sometimes and I'm glad that we got to see him do that but also understand that he didn't mean for those words to come out that way. Especially in the beginning where he was talking to George and Harry about Hermione's nightmares. Him wanting to take the pain for Hermione showed how much he cared and that's one of the biggest problems I feel that people have with one another.

Sometimes the line between caring and overstepping get mixed up. Honestly, you did such a wonderful job at incorporating the struggles that are going on in the real world today into your story. It made me sad to read about all the things that people were allowed to get away with! I *think* you related the Auror school incident to the Dentistry school incident, if I'm not mistaken? That was such a huge deal to me and I'm glad that you put that in.

I had such a wonderful time reading this story. It hit all the right points and while it made me sad to read about what was going on in the real world today, it also made me happy that there are others who recognize these problems as problems as well. I wholeheartedly believe that the Wizarding world isn't so different from the Muggle world in that they share some of the same stigmas around sex, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. You've done a great job of incorporating all the problems but making them significantly different and recognizable in the Wizarding world as well!

The end of the fic was absolutely perfect! I can't think of a better way to show that Hermione was successful than by demonstrating the good things that she has taught her children. It made me so happy to see Rose and Hugo so accepting at such an early age. I am really glad to have been able to get a chance to read your fic. It was powerful and well-written. It really resonated with me and for that, I thank you. :)

Cheers.

~Marissa

 Report Review

Review #15, by marissa lily potterA Muggle's Wand: Prologue: Bellatrix's New Pet

21st February 2015:
Hello!

This was quite an interesting chapter to read! It was different and well, very interesting. I was quite pleased with the new perspective we got to see magic from. I was a little skeptical about a Muggle who could do magic but then again, I could see that the wand helped channel the magic. I'm curious to see how you explain that some more and I really do hope that you do explain it. ^.^

I loved seeing Bellatrix! She was just as crazy and psychotic as ever and you really did her justice. Bellatrix has always been one of my favourite characters to read about just because she's so complicated. I could see all those different sides of her when you wrote about her. The whole part about her speaking about herself in third person was very believable. It definitely added to her overall craziness of her character. The fact that she thought of using the Muggle as her pet was just perfect. I could definitely see her doing something like that.

The flow of this chapter was great! It all seemed to fit together and everything moved along smoothly. I really think that you did a good job with the flow because I didn't find any choppiness. Having Serahn watch from the sidelines as some of the characters interacted with one another definitely helped with the flow because any time information was missed, it was attributed to the fact that of course the Muggle couldn't understand or catch everything!

Speaking of the Muggle, Serahn, I felt that his character could use a little more work. He came across as flat and bland in this chapter. Maybe that was the intent because he was just overwhelmed by seeing magic for the first time and being Imperiused by Bellatrix but I didn't see any real emotion in him. I thought he might be a little more excited or nervous or something when he saw the Death Eaters but he didn't portray too much emotion. Or at least, it didn't come across that way.

I do like his character though. I think it's interesting the way you chose to have a Muggle thrown into the midst of a magical war and I'm really excited to see how this plays out. :)

Cheers.

~Marissa

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed Bellatrix I really enjoyed writing her. She's so sick and twisted I think, although its a stretch, that she'd look for any advantage for herself with VOldemort gone...even using a muggle...as a slave.that'd be okay ;)

 Report Review

Review #16, by marissa lily potterTrying My Patience: Trying My Patience.

20th February 2015:
Hiya!

This was really fun to read! I love stories where Rose and Scorpius have an unfathomable amount of tension between them. Sometimes, it gets a little ridiculous and super cliche but it didn't feel like that at all here! I think the fact that you set the scene on the Quidditch pitch to start off, making the tension and rivalry more justifiable was a great thing to do! It really made me excited and nervous and antsy reading because not only did I want to read more about Rose and Scorpius, but I also wanted to read about how the game would end!

You have an amazing foundation for a plot here. There's so much that you could do with this. You've set the beginning scene up beautifully and I feel like there are a million different ways you can go with the story and they would all fit. This chapter was vague enough to let the readers go on and think of the future for themselves but also descriptive enough to really set a good foundation!

I am very impressed at how descriptive you are. I really felt like I was watching the game. When Rose squinted, I felt myself squinting as if I was really in the thick of it all. xD It makes me so happy when an author has such a strong effect on me as a reader. I love it when I'm able to get excited about a story and feel like I'm a part of it. That's what you did for me here and I'm very grateful for it. You really do have a way with words because not only did you excel at grabbing my attention but you kept it.

You had a very good flow to this chapter! It was very easy to believe everything that was happening and when the scenes changed, I didn't feel like they were abrupt at all! The transitions were smooth and I couldn't even feel that they were happening, which was the best part! One moment I felt like I was still at the beginning of the chapter and the next, James is yelling at Rose and right after that, Albus is trying to distract her.

Speaking of Albus, he's such a funny character. Albus is probably one of my favourites in the next generation era to read about. He's always so interesting because there are SO many different takes on him. I'm very happy with the way you've set him up so far! To be honest, I like all the characters you've introduced so far. They're unique but I can see why they would get along with the people they do get along with. They're similar to one another but their own people at the same time. And they're definitely very relatable!

Winning a game can make people do crazy things. xD I could definitely see all of this happening for real! I really did enjoy reading this chapter and am glad I got a chance to read it. I ♥ Next Gen and you've done them justice! Great work! ^.^

~Marissa

Author's Response: Naw, thanks Marissa!

Now I'm grinning like a fool at work and my colleagues are shooting me funny looks. lol.

Thanks so much for leaving such a lovely review. I feel all warm and fuzzy now. I've tried my hand at Scorose in the past on another site, (the fic will soon be posted here too) but I wanted to do a different take on them this time so it's nice to hear that so far it's engaging and interesting a likable.

Thanks a bundle for reviewing for me.

xx-Ellie


 Report Review

Review #17, by marissa lily potterTo Fear A Full Moon: Chapter 1

20th February 2015:
Hi there!

Pansy is slowly becoming one of my favourite characters to read fan fictions about. I never thought much of her until one of my friends started writing a Pansy story and I found that she was so much more intriguing and exciting than anyone could have given her credit for. At first, I was apprehensive about reading a story about Pansy but you've done so so so well at keeping her character consistent.

She was prejudiced and narrow-minded but also caring and charismatic. I love that you showed two sides of her; both of which are very relatable and very believable. I like that you put her in a setting outside of Britain. I always felt like after the war people would try and move away and although you didn't mention anything about her moving away due to the war, it was still nice to see that she could start a new life in America.

I felt a real connection to Pansy. She was easy to feel sympathy for. I could see her still living with the same prejudices she was taught during her school years but also, I could see her living as an adult. It was very easy to imagine everything that you were writing about. The best part was that it all made sense. I like the connections that you made, especially to the way Pansy acted towards werewolves because of what she was taught, It's so easy to have a misconception due to inaccurate information and I completely believe that was Pansy's entire problem.

As for flow of the story, I thought you did a really good job with the flow! Even though Pansy was telling a story and it moved from scene to scene pretty quickly, nothing felt choppy or out of place. You were very descriptive and it made it really easy for me to imagine that I was the one that Pansy was talking to and retelling the story for. I really felt like I was listening to Pansy tell me about her experience first hand and that was a wonderful feeling.

I felt so bad for her at the end! Poor John! I really grew attached to him in the short moments that we met him. It seemed like him and Pansy got along so well and I could really picture them together. Their relationship seemed like it was doing very well and I was really upset to see it break apart like that. But I think John leaving was the wakeup call that Pansy needed. I understand why you needed to do it and although I'm upset by it, it was such a good turning point!

I really enjoyed reading this story. It was very different from what I usually read but I loved how well written and well thought out it was. You are a fantastic writer and I love reading your work! ^.^

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hey Marissa,

Thank you for another wonderful review! You write such detailed responses!

I'm so happy that Pansy is becoming one of your favorites. I think in general, she comes off as so one-note because most people just make her an ugly, mean person. I think most people are deeper than just good or bad, so I wanted to try and make her a little more human.

You have no clue how happy I am to hear that you could connect with Pansy and even felt sympathy for her at points. I love trying to make the bad guys somewhat sympathetic.

Flow was my biggest concern because I literally tried to write this as if the person was talking. It was originally supposed to be an article for The Daily Prophet, but due to site rules I had to change it. It made me fear that the way the story was told would come off weird.

Thank you so much for saying that I'm a fantastic writer. It really makes my heart happy.

I appreciate you taking the time out to read and review this.

~Kaitlin


 Report Review

Review #18, by marissa lily potterLilium: Chapter One: A New Start

20th February 2015:
Heya!

So, before I start reviewing this story I'd just like to tell you that I'm going to focus on plot, characterization, flow and interest rather than the fact that this is an AU Marauders Era fic. I'm a huge shipper of Lily/James and although (hopefully) Lily and James do end up together, the whole Petunia being the way she is, is throwing me off. But, I'm going to ignore my dislike for Petunia and continue on!

So, the story started off well in my opinion. It was a little vague but you filled in bits and pieces along the way in this chapter so that was nice. Lily and Petunia's relationship is a bit strange and terse. I can't seem to understand where Mrs. Evans is coming from when taking Petunia's side and not believing Lily. I mean, I'm sure there are parents who are like that but I just couldn't believe that she would be so blatantly ignorant of Lily.

Petunia as a character bothers me, which is good because she's supposed to bother me haha. I like Lily but I think she's a bit bland. I always thought Lily was very passionate and resilient but she seems a bit like a pushover here and I hope that she doesn't continue to stay that way. I really want her to stand up to Petunia and to stand up to James!

The introduction of James as the next door neighbour, while cliche, worked pretty well here. He's interested in Petunia, not Lily, which makes it different. I am curious to see how Lily and James' relationship changes. I'm sure that Severus Snape has something to do with it seeing as he's at Hogwarts too. I'm actually really looking forward to seeing a Snape/Lily/James scene at some point because I'm thinking that it will happen.

I felt like the flow of this chapter was a bit choppy. The beginning flowed pretty smoothly but then the part where Lily and Severus were talking came in and it kind of seemed random and a bit out of nowhere. I don't know how I feel about Lily having gone to Beauxbatons and transferring over either. The ending I thought flowed a lot smoother though. Sirius was kind of a jerk and that's how I usually imagine him to be around strangers. I do hope that he softens up a bit on Lily. xD

Anyway, this was definitely an interesting chapter to read. It was not something I would have picked up myself but it was a different experience so thank you for that! Your writing is generally good and I think the only thing you could do better would be to connect the different scenes better. Better flow will make the chapter easier to read and get through I think. ^.^

Cheers.

~Marissa

Author's Response:
Firstly, thank you for your thoughts and I will be taking them into consideration when revising this chapter.

Yes I admit, Mrs Evans has a strange attitude towards Lily, there is a reason for this, but I do agree that it may be best to reign it in a bit and let that develop through the story instead.

Lily is a rather complex character, and do agree that she is indeed passionate about many things, and I hope her future interactions with other characters will begin to show that, but I will keep your comments in mind for later chapters.

There does need to be transition changes, which I'm currently working on, linking my paragraphs rather than suddenly changing with no real interlocking explaination.

I did too, imagine Sirius in this way, but I'm hoping to show his more playful side with Lily in the hopes that they can get along a lot better with one another.

So, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it and you've given me lots to think over,

Happy Reading!

-JAA


 Report Review

Review #19, by marissa lily potterNot entirely true: ďI hope you donít support BulgariaĒ

18th February 2015:
Hey there!

I had fun reading this chapter. It was nice to see old faces come back in. I like how you've kept the Quidditch World Cup canon but added your own details into it. I really like how you introduced the old characters like George, Ginny, Harry, Ron and Hermione to us.

Speaking of Hermione though, what's going on between her and Krum?? Haha that part really made me laugh.

Josh and Maddie seem more at ease with one another every chapter and I like that. The flow is a bit choppy in some places I think but that's because there's a lot of information to grasp onto at once. It's not awful but I thought I'd just mention that. :) I do like Josh and Maddie though and think that they feel really normal around one another. It's interesting to see that they do have an age gap but it doesn't stop them from being friends.

I really like how you introduced Ron to us. He was spot on and it made me laugh aloud at his abrasiveness. Ron is a funny character and you've done him justice so far. It's really great that you've started the World Cup right from the beginning! I always wondered what it would be like and now I get to read it through your story, which is lovely!

I hope Maddie meets new people. I like that her friendship with Josh is stable but with him starting his job at the World Cup, I feel like she might be bored so I hope she meets new people to be able to hang out with. Maddie is so open to magic and I'm pleased with the way you've written her to handle it. She's awed but also accepting. It's really fun to read Maddie's scenes and I'm very curious to see where her relationship with Josh goes haha.

This chapter had moments where it kept me interested and then others moments where I felt myself losing interest but, I think that's because of the back and forth dialogue without much description at the end. It was a little hard to follow with so many people talking at once but it wasn't too difficult. I did like the dialogue though and I thought it was really funny!

You've got a great start to this story and you're a fantastic writer. I had a pleasure being able to review your story!

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hello Marissa!

Thank you for reviewing :) I'm glad you enjoy the story, it feels great to read nice things about the story i put my heart into :)) Yes, the old characters are back - how could they not be, it's the World Cup ;)

And thank you for pointing out the flaws of my story, these are great tips for my future chapters!

I probably should have started with that, but THANK you so much for this: "you're a fantastic writer", that's so nice of you!

Monika


 Report Review

Review #20, by marissa lily potterAtonement Is Coming: A Shadowy Threat

14th February 2015:
Hey there!

I am so thankful to have been able to read this chapter. It was SUCH a great beginning. I always feel like the first chapter is the hook. It's what grabs a reader's attention and it's what keeps it. I was hooked from the very beginning. I liked how you set the scene with Kingsley. I could feel how tired and exhausted he was. I could feel the mood of the scene so perfectly. I like that you described the setting well enough for me to feel like I was there. When McGonagall came in and walked towards Kingsley, the scene felt like it was playing out before my eyes.

You've done a really good job with the characterizations as well! It was so much fun to read this story and see old characters come back. You stuck very well to their original characterizations which was great. I mean, we never really saw much of Michael Corner, Penelope, Terry and Roger so it was very easy to believe that they could turn into the people that they are right now but at the same time, from what we DID see of them in the HP series, I feel like you've kept that.

I see so much potential for plot here! I know this was just the first chapter but you set it up beautifully. I can see just why people would want to target Purebloods now, even though the war is over. There's still a looming threat that there are certain people who think that they are still above others and I completely understand why people would feel that they aren't safe with this group still alive. That's not to say that they're right in the way they're going about the situation. I just think you've made the reason for why that group is doing what they are so accurate.

Also, so soon after the war, I can imagine a lot of people are not only hurt by losing loved ones but vulnerable. The mysterious "master" who never revealed himself seems like he's going to be a much bigger threat. I don't know why I get the feeling that he's got bigger plans in mind haha. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I love that you're making me think about what he could possibly be thinking and question whether what you've presented to us is really what meets the eye.

The story flowed very well! Where you switched to a different scene didn't feel choppy or out of place at all! I noticed that you put more spaces in between the different scenes. Might I suggest using the dividers instead? You don't have to, but it's just a suggestion. I think it would make it easier to realize that it's a new scene. It wasn't particularly hard here but it'll be a lot easier I think.

Anyway, I'm super interested to see where this goes. I love the plot and I love how you've set everything up. You've given us just enough information to get the readers hooked to the story but also created a lot of suspense. I can't wait for it all to come together and for the small pieces of the puzzle to reveal themselves. The fact that McGonagall and Kinsley were replaced has to get out at some point and I'm just too excited for that part.

Also, when Hagrid teared up from being named the Godfather of Harry and Ginny's son, I totally teared up too. It was so perfect. His reaction was just how I would have imagined it to be and that just made me really happy. Thanks for writing such an amazing first chapter to what I know will be an even more amazing story. It was a pleasure reading and reviewing it. :)

Cheers!

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hi Marissa,

Wow. Thank you so much for this amazing review! I'm thrilled that you were so excited about this. I was really worried that the characters would read differently than they did in the book, so it's a relief that you found them to be on point with canon.

I am doing a bit of re-editing on this chapter, just to fix a few flow issues in the middle (mainly the scene with Harry & Ginny), but it won't really change the story much. It's mainly a bit more detail. I will also be adding page breaks into it now that I know how to. :)

I'm pretty much done with the second chapter. I just need to do a good edit on it and then I will be submitting it to the queue. Hopefully, it will be up by the end of next week!

Again, thank you so much for all the nice things you had to say. It really helps me stay motivated when I know people are enjoying what I'm writing!

~TreacleTart


 Report Review

Review #21, by marissa lily potterBlood Red Petals: Chapter One

14th February 2015:
Wow just wow. I never used to be a huge dark/horror fan but
there are some GREAT stories on this forum that are right in that
genre. I think it is quickly becoming one of my favourite genres
to read and you've done nothing but push me more in that
direction.

I had chills reading this fic. It was so good. I can see the desire
in Scorpius so perfectly. The way you described him was
amazing. His need to kill the redhead because of Rose was very
creepy but also so believable. I kept thinking to myself, this is
horrifying but this is so so SO good. I couldn't peel my eyes
away from the page while reading and I tried to go as fast as I
could because I just wanted to see where it would go haha.

I haven't read The Wild Rose but I am definitely going to
consider reading it now because this fic convinced me that it
has to be good. I love ScoRose. They are definitely my absolute
favourite pairing and you did them justice here. I always
imagined their relationship would always be strained and difficult
and have many challenges and this was such a good
interpretation of it. It definitely appealed to my headcanon :)

Hmm, I really do like the ending. I think you ended it perfectly.
The last three sentences especially:

She smiles.

I smirk.

Finally, you're mine.

Ooh so many feels there! What I do suggest to give it some
more fill though if that's what you want is perhaps add a little bit
more information to the parts leading up to those last three
sentences. Describe the setting some more, give us a reason for
why Scorpius is at the hotel, perhaps describe what Rose is
wearing. I feel like adding more details to the ending would not
only make the readers feel more a part of the story but it was
also give you more suspense. The last bit seemed super
suspenseful and I think that's what you were gong for but the
lead-up could have been better.

That being said, I think this was such a fantastic fic. I enjoyed
reading it from all aspects. You did a great job characterizing
Scorpius and even though we didn't get Rose's POV here nor
did we see her for very long, I felt like I knew her. I felt like I
knew how Scorpius was feeling and how she was towards him. I
am very happy to have been able to read this fic.

Thanks for writing it! Cheers.

~Marissa

 Report Review

Review #22, by marissa lily potterNot entirely true: Toast to that

14th February 2015:
Hi I'm here to review. :)

The first chapter was really cute and I think this chapter was just as cute if not more. It's definitely interesting and I love where you're going with this. I know this chapter wasn't beta-ed so I won't comment on anything that would have been fixed with that. :) I do like Josh and Maddie so far. Their friendship seems to natural. Nothing seems forced between the two and that's always hard when you have characters with large age gaps but you're doing a perfectly great job with keeping up their friendship without it becoming awkward.

I'm glad that Maddie is taking things really well in the magical world and even so, Josh is being very careful about what he does and doesn't show her. Maddie's reaction to being shown blanket and told that it was going to take her to another place was very believable. If that happened to me, my first reaction would have been to assume I was being played and that would have made me angry so I know exactly where Maddie is coming from.

I'm glad that you've put in a lot of thought into Maddie's age and her life. It makes a lot of sense to see why Maddie lives where she does. You've made a lot of good connections and all the information you've presented so far has been consistent. I think that's really important. I am a stickler for consistency in stories and I understand that sometimes, we just forget because we write on different days and there might be large gaps between chapters but I'm so happy that you've been super consistent with the information you've presented to us.

I'm also glad that you're incorporating a lot of canon information into your story. Even though the fic is centred around original characters, it's always nice to see canon information. I love just how WELL you've incorporated this canon information. The small bits like portkeys and the tents looking small but actually being quite spacious on the inside really made me smile. It's the small details that really make a story in my mind and you're doing such a fantastic job incorporating small details into your story. The details also make it a lot easier to picture everything so keep up the great work!

I would definitely like to see more Josh/Maddie interaction but also conversations between Josh and other characters as well as Maddie and other characters. I mean, she's known Josh for a very long time so of course she trusts him but I would like to see how she reacts to other witches and wizards as well. I look forward to seeing how Maddie and Josh progress as characters.

This is quite a fun story to read!

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hello Marissa!

Thank you for reviewing the second chapter :) I appreciate it!

Firstly, I'm so happy you think that my story is consistent. That was one of the main doubts I had. With all the facts I have come up with that are in my head, it's really hard to say if everything I write about works as a whole.

The little canon add-ons are my favorite to write about. I just love placing them here and there and think of the way Maddie reacts to them all :) Further in the story I'm incorporating my own inventions, but I truly hope they fit in the world that amazing JK created for us.

And yes, in the next chapters there will be more interaction with other wizards and witches :] Some of them will be Maddie's great mistake... ;)

Monika


 Report Review

Review #23, by marissa lily potterNot entirely true: Truth Is Out

11th February 2015:
Heya!

What a fun start to a story! I am so glad that you put the background information right in the beginning because it seems like the story is going to focus mostly on what Maddie and Josh do in the Wizarding world as well as their relationship. So, it's good to have that information so that we have something to go off of.

I think it's so sweet that Maddie is like an older sister to Josh. She seemed very protective and I can totally understand where she's coming. Maddie is a cute, fun character. She and Josh's friendship is so complimentary. I really see how they work and how they've stayed friends after so many years. Even with Josh going off to school for 7 years and only being back for the summer months, I'm glad that they've continued their friendship. It really shows how close they are and having good character relationships is always important!

I love reading stories about OCs and I like that you've incorporated it so well into the canon HP world. It makes me happy to see this being based around original characters. :) Also, the Quidditch World Cup is such a good way to introduce Maddie into the Wizarding world! It's a fun event and even if you don't like sports, seeing people fly on a broom must be super intriguing. It's also a national event which is good for introducing Maddie to magic!

Speaking of introducing Maddie to magic, you did a pretty good job with explaining it. I always find that the scenes where a character explains to another character what magic is are super awkward but you skipped over the awkwardness and made it really believable. Maddie's reaction was perfect! It was such a legitimate concern that she had haha. She took it really well though and I'm glad that she was able to.

The relationship between Maddie and Josh is really sweet. I don't know how else to describe it because I can picture them perfectly. Even with the age gap, they're very fun and get along so well! You're doing such a good job with the characterizations. I know this was the first chapter but I'm looking forward to seeing more Josh/Maddie interactions.

I'm very excited to continue reading the story! Great first chapter! :)

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hello Marissa!
Thank you so much for your review and all the lovely comments :) I'm really happy you're enjoying the story so far and I hope it was interesting enough to make you keep reading :D
thank you!
Monika


 Report Review

Review #24, by marissa lily potterBuilding Dollhouses In The Sand: Chapter Two

10th February 2015:
Hi!

So this chapter was a lot better with flow! I thought you did a good job. The only thing I would point out was the end. I was really confused between Katherine's memories and the conversation between Fred & George. I think it would be a lot clearer if you used italics for the memories. I'm not sure if that's what you were trying to get across but this is just a suggestion.

The idea of having Katherine play for the Gryffindors is a good one. I think it'll be good for her to socialize and try and get her mind off of her uncle. I can't imagine how she must be feeling. When Angelina told Fred that she was depressed, it really resounded with me. I do feel for her. I'm glad that you've made Katherine someone who is easy to sympathize with. She's not very needy and overly emotional which makes me really feel for her.

I like Katherine. I think she's a good character. I would like to be able to know more about her but I can see that because of how she's feeling, it might not be so easy at the moment and I totally understand that! :)

Fred & George really do make me laugh! I'm really excited about reading the rest of this story. It's such a good start and there's so much potential here. The fact that Katherine doesn't know whether it's Fred or George who is talking to her and is her friend is quite amusing. I feel like it'll cause some problems between Fred and George, especially considering that Fred keeps asking questions and George is lying to him but I guess this happens between even the best of friends sometimes.

All the scenes that you've presented are very believable and I'm glad that you've made it so easy to follow along for the readers. I think George is absolutely adorable. I really like what he is doing for Katherine! I think it's nice and she needs a friend there to support her. It's a tough time for her and a friend definitely makes it better.

I'm curious to see how Katherine's relationship with the rest of the Gryffindor girls plays out. It's nice that they get along. Katherine needs more supportive friends and I think this is good for her.

Anyway, I had a good time reading this chapter. :)

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hey Marissa

First off thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, I had posted the memory with italics but I guess the editor went wonky XD

I'm glad you like Katherine, I try to make her as believable as I can and I'm happy to see she comes off that way. I'm also happy to see that you think all my scenes are believable and not over the top :)

I'm glad you had a good time reading this chapter I will definitely re-request in the future.

Ida


 Report Review

Review #25, by marissa lily potterBuilding Dollhouses In The Sand: Chapter One

10th February 2015:
Hello!

This was a nice, fun chapter to read. Iím a little confused about Katherineís relationship with the rest of the Gryffindors (if itís explained in the later chapters, I am so sorry!) at the moment as she seems to be distant from them. I wonder why that is because she was okay with Fred, George and Lee on the train! I wonder what has changed because she seemed really outgoing then but a lot quieter now. Hmm. Iím just feeling a discrepancy in her character but itís only the second chapter so Iím not too worried yet!

I like where youíre going with this though. I really love how youíre showing Fred and George separately because even though theyíre very similar, sometimes to the point of being the same person, they are their own people. I like that theyíre having different experiences even with being at each otherís side! It relates very well to the worries they were having in the first chapter.

Iím really glad that we got to see some more character relationships in this chapter! I like that youíre showing their relationship with the Quidditch team. The Slytherin relationships seem tense but thatís to be expected haha. Snape was very on point too. I could picture him doing what he did and saying what he said. Youíre very good at keeping true to the canon characters and their personalities, in my opinion.

The flow was good but there were a lot of different scenes that were short each which kind of disrupts the flow. I think if you elongated the scenes or had smoother transitions, it would make the chapter flow better.

Despite everything that Iíve said, I did like this chapter! It kept my attention and Iím excited to see where Katherine and Georgeís relationship will go. They seem like theyíre different enough to make the friendship interesting but not so much that theyíll be constantly clashing with one another. Whatever happens between them, Iím really looking forward to continue reading your story!

Great work with this chapter. Now, onto the next for me! :)

~Marissa

Author's Response: Hey Marissa! Thank you again for the review :)

On to your response:

You'll find out later on why Katherine seems distant. I've alway believed the twins to be their own people, I mean they're always together but they aren't the same person. Like Fred is the more outgoing, some would say harsher twin whilst I find George to be more down to earth, kinder than Fred is. I tried to portray them as closely as possible to canon :)

I'll look over the story to see what scenes disrupt the flow and what not.

Yay! I'm happy the chapter kept you interested :)

Thanks again for the review :)


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>