Hi Miss Lily Flower!
Well, here is your review, sorry about the wait!
I thought this story was a really nice light felt story, I must say that I personally didn't find it very funny, although I felt it was a very light hearted story, and I enjoyed reading every bit of it.
It isn't too heavy, it's a really good story just to read quickly with out reading something with too much depth which I find is reallly good.
For me nothing really stood out as needing to be changed or fixed, but nothing really stood out to me as being fantastic. Everything was just good!
if you have any questions just message meAuthor's Response: Hey. (:
I'm sorry you didn't find it funny, but I'm glad you did like it. Erm, later it's going to have more 'depth', as you put it, but that was how the beginning was supposed to be.
Thanks for the review. Report Review
hahaha...this is such a good idea!! hahaha...I love it... Report Review
oh :(...poor remus...this is really sad...I love the bits at the start and the end! Report Review
Oh this is soo sad! but i love it!! Report Review
Hey, well here is your review! :)
I loved this story, even more than your last one. I love how it was simple, yet filled with emotion! And I thought it was so well written!
-‘The muffled laughter in the common room was so distant now; a faint brute that taunted her’ I love this line, especially the ‘a faint brute that taunted her’, it just seems so raw.
-I love the way you use your vocabulary, it just takes the story up to a whole new level!
-Your sentences are so well put together, it captures the essence of the story
-'She gathered herself before attempting to flee from the Library, wanting more than anything to forget and crawl into bed now. She rounded the aisle and thought of things she might have said to him; things they would have shared. She thought of the words he could have spoken; those forbidden words.'
This is the only bit of the story that I don't really understand. Is she asking these questions about her and Draco, or her and Ron? And if Draco, what brought all these thoughts on, it was written as more of a fling, soley for comfort.
-You have so many lines in this story, that just stand out, many which are poetic, and full of emotion.
I loved this, it was so well written in my opinion
if you have any questions, just message meAuthor's Response: Thank you so much dear! What a generous review =]
The ending paragraph is about Draco, not Ron. And yes, it is a bit of a fling that they were having. That's why it says "wanting more than anything to forget". "Things she might have said to him" and "things they would have shared' had it NOT been a fling. "The words he could have spoken" being "I love you". All of these thoughts are things that MIGHT and COULD HAVE happened if they both let each other in completely. But neither, keeping in character, would have done such a thing. Report Review
Well you asked for a review, so here it is...
This was a very simple, yet charming story. Nothing really stood out to me as being terrible or fantastic. The whole thing was just simple and sweet.
I thought it was quite good to look through Ginny's eyes and see it the way that she would of seen it.
I like the simplicity of the story, some stories get caugt up in the finer details, and it just gets slow and clumsy. I think you did a good job of simplifing this.
I really enjoyed this story!
if you have any questions just message me.Author's Response: Hi,
Firstly, I'm glad you liked it.
Secondly, I agree that there was nothing particularly fantastic about it. It was written about five years ago though. (thats my excuse and i'm sticking too it...).
Thanks for reviewing :-).
- Raveneye Report Review
Well you asked for a review, so here it is…
This story was an amazing story, so it therefore deserves a great review.
It had a fantastic plot that was constantly making you wish for more. Your sentences were fantastically constructed and the whole story just seemed to flow smoothly. I became so caught up in the story that I forgot to take notes as I went alone
-I like at the start, how you just got straight into the story, without introducing any characters etc. I find that starting a story with a proper beginning can normally slow the story down.
-You have very few grammatical mistakes; in fact I could only spot one where it said ‘me and Harry’, when for it to be correct it should be ‘Harry and I’. But it’s insignificant compared to the rest of the story.
- I really like the idea of harry and Ginny’s link in their minds, I thought it was really creative
-So far I absolutely love the plot line, I think it is genius
I love it and I can’t wait to read more!
Sorry it isn’t very long, but I think this story is fantastic!
If you have any questions just message me.
8/10Author's Response: Hi Lily!
Thanks for such an amazing review! I really don't know what to say.
I usually prefer to start my stories off with a bang, so I'm really glad you liked that.
The story is completed, 18 chapters, but I'm still editing and tweaking the last four. My plan is to post one or two chapters every weekend until its all up. I may post another chapter today (December 6).
Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Well you asked for a review, so here it is.
I loved this story! It was fantasticly written and very well thought out.
Normally while reviewing a story I keep notes while reading so I can keep track of my comments, but I got so caught up in the finer details of this story, that I forgot to take them after a chapter or so!
But here are a few tips/comments anyway...
- There isn't a background story to how Hermione and Draco started seeing eachother, and why Hermione was staying with Draco over the holidays. As you are not yet finished the story I know that you may be going to write one in, but two people who hated eachother so much, can't turn into lovers at the drop of a hat. And especially the reason that Hermione is able to accept Draco as a Deatheater. You need to have a background story.
- In chapter two (I think) Moaning Myrtle makes a comment along the lines of 'first the slytherin Prince and now the red head' refering to Hermione and Dracos realationship. But there isn't a reason given as to how Moaning Myrtle knows about thier relationship which I think probably should be put in.
- Although Hermione and Draco are mostly secretive about thier relationship, there are several times in which they are publicly displaying thier affections for eachother. For example, in about chapter 3 or 4, they wrestle with each other and end up in 'akward, suggestive postions' in the grounds of Hogwarts. You should probably also mention that no students are to be seen or something along those lines, as it is quite a public place.There is also something like this
- I think that all the vocabulary that you use is fantastic, it makes it seem all the more real.
- There are barley any grammatical, and punctuational mistakees which is fantastic, the story certainly flows much better when there aren't little mistakes in the story like that.
All together I loved this story! It was very well written and I found it easy to get lost in the story. I can't wait to read other chapters!
If you have any questions, just message meAuthor's Response: Wow, what a review lol! Thank you, hun. Yes, I will definitely be revealing how they got together around chapter 9. I know it's hard to read the story and have it all be believable, but once that chapter is read...there will be no question.
Also, Moaning Myrtle will also be revealed around chapter 10. I didn't think she was that significant in the story so I didn't find it necessary to rush that explanation. Also, you must remember in book 6...Draco confides in her a bit ; ]
Your suggestions have been helpful. The story definitely needs a little tweaking. Report Review
Well you asked for a review, so here it is..
So far, I really like this story! It has real potential to be very good once you have got into the thick of the plot as I know that this is only the beginning.
So here are some tips/ comments
- There are very few small mistakes such as spelling, grammar and punctuation, which is really good. It makes the story flow when it is correct.
- I loved the way the Narcissa and Lucius were portrayed. Narcissa being the woman being abused, but finally had the guts to stand up for someone like Draco, whom she loved so much. And Lucius, although was quite cruel, you wrote his part out very well
- I found that there wasn't really a transition from Draco being stony and cold, to becoming a bit more chatty and bearable. He just became slightly friendly straight away. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that, but, every now and again, you have Hermione thinking something along the lines of '...two hours of torture with Draco Malfoy'. If it is torture for her, you need to write why it will be torture, because so far, he just seems like a normal guy, with a few problems on the side
- I think in some parts of the story, Hermione over reacts far too much, I think it's really good that you are portraying her not as the sweet innocent girl, but I feel that maybe you should tone that down just a little bit so she is in the same sort of range as the Hermione, as portrayed by J.K Rowling. But something like that is a personal opinion, so it is entirely up to you.
- In chapter three (I think), Professor Babbling takes Hermione and Draco to see Dumbledore after the prophecy is made. This part is well done, but I think maybe Babbling wouldn’t be saying how much she didn’t trust Draco in front of him
- I absolutely love the way you portrayed Pansy. I loved how she loved Draco so much that she would allow him to vent his anger onto her. You normally see stories in which Pansy is a selfish and thoughtless, but the way you wrote her really touched me. For me this was the highlight of the story so far, I loved it!
- "Remus! I found him! Hes alive!' Tonks had shouted.
Order members had crowded around him and he watched them blankly as they removed his mother’s body from his lap and placed it on a gurney to remove it.
'We will get her a proper burial, son.' Mad-Eye Moody’s familiar voice growled as he and Remus Lupin pulled him to his feet."
This part takes place after Draco is awoken from his dream. I found this bit quite confusing as he was reliving his mothers death through his dream, yet, Tonks was relevied to find that Draco was alive. They pulled his mothers body from his lap and placed her on a gurney. If she was already dead, and had died in the past, I dont see how her body could still be with Draco
-"He hated being Lucius Malfoys son. He hated his quick temper and his sadistic love of causing pain. Both things inherited from his father. It was something he struggled with everyday. When his fingers itched to curse an annoying first year with a good Cruciatus Curse… When his temper flashed and he longed to back hand Pansy across her smug face."
I love this part of the text, I find that it gives a real insight to Draco as a person/character, and I find myself not thinking that he is cruel and cold hearted, but is doing the best he can in the circumstances he is given.
All over I thought this was very well written and I can’t wait to you add another chapter, I can tell that as the plot thickens, it will become very interesting.
If you have any questions, just message me
lily flowerAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! One of the best review's I had ever gotten.
I try to portray Draco as someone who has found a means to an end. He's not all for muggle-equality and over throwing the Dark Lord. He's working with the Order on a purely revenge oriented basis. He just want's to see his father die for what he did for his mother. So he wavers between being sociable to Hermione for the sake of the Order and his disgust far what she is that's been ingrained in him since birth.
I like to think that we don't see much of Hermione's temper in the books. Just hear of it. If her and Ron are remembered years later for their rows, then said rows must have been pretty intense. And I can't see Hermione resorting to pure name calling, she woud try to use logic. And I can't see Hermione ever admiting she was wrong either. So she's definitly over reacting, I just think that's how she is though.
I think people give Pansy a bad rap. She's a pureblood as well and has probably had a hell of a life, which is what lead her to be so bitter as well as condesending. So I thought i'd give her oftern 2-d personality a 3-d upgrade.
I'm sorry about the confusion. The part with the burial takes place right after Lucius kills his mother. It's still part of his flashback to his mothers death. I'll go and edit that right now.
I think Draco is often displayed as a little bo who pretended his entire life. In my story, he's exactly who he's alway appeared to be. Even though he believes, in a way, the teachings of Lord Voldemort, he wants nothing to do with making it happen. He's just as snide and moody as ever. But he's not happy about the person he is inside.
Thanks so much for your review! It was lovely.
~Onna Report Review
this is such a good story!!! I love it! Definitely one of my favourites!!! Report Review
this is really nicely put.very poetic Report Review
this is soo good!! i love it!! :) Report Review
oh that's soo cute!!! I love SB and RL Report Review
oh that's cute! I really like that. Report Review
This is really good...you never think aboout how Sirius would feel when his bestfriend is 'taken' I really like now you look at that! Report Review
this is really well written!! Report Review
oh that is sooo sweet...i love it!!Author's Response: Awww. Thanks so much! I'm sorry I didn't reply quicker. Report Review
hahahahahahah! love it!!Author's Response: Happy to hear it! :) Report Review
oh that is sooo sweet :) Report Review
This is really good!! I really like it!!! Good job:) Report Review
oh this was so good...I loved this! hahaha :) good job!!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it lily_flower. :) Report Review
oh that's so cute...not the suicide bit...but the other bits...really good job.. i like it heaps!Author's Response: :) Thank you lily flower. I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
oh.that's sad...poor ken...i really like it...cedric is so hot!!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
This is a really good idea for a story...I think that if you wanted you could probably expand on it, cause it is a really good idea...i like it :) Report Review
This is creepy...really good...but creepy! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection