This was so heart wrenching! As soon as I clicked on this in the queue I knew it would be super sad, but I'm so glad I clicked it because I adore Remus fics.
The effect of James & Lily's deaths on Remus is so rarely explored in FF, yet I think their deaths affected him greatly. After they died, he was essentially alone in the world (assuming his parents were dead, which I think can be a safe assumption).
I think you got his emotions spot on in this, from the anger to the sadness to the hopelessness. It sort of reminds me of a Remus fic I wrote a while back called Strings, where Remus first learns of James & Lily's deaths.
The quote you used in the summary was perfect! It fit the story and the situation wonderfully. Great one-shot! :)Author's Response: I'm glad that heart wrenching as that was aiming for, though I'm sorry I made you feel sad!
I agree, that their deaths must have had a massive impact on him. I think that's partly why I wrote it, because there really was nothing about it, and I never read about the funeral either so I wanted to explore it.
I'm glad his emotions came through, as they were so mixed I was worried that people would get confused! I actually listened to the podcast of Strings and I really loved it. I'll definitely have to go and review it when I have find some time :D
I saw that quote and I knew it would work, so I'm glad that you liked it! Thanks for this really lovely review :D
-Kiana Report Review
Finally had time to read this! I'm glad Louis got introduced to the rest of the team. Maybe now he'll be able to settle in and figure out his place amongst them. And hopefully his finding the pattern of the locations will help him prove his worth!
Aw, I think Louis's fondness for Jonah will only aid in the search, despite Elsie's views. I think it'll make Louis more determined to find the culprit! Great chapter and I can't wait for the next! :) Report Review
So, as you know, I read this entire fic yesterday. Once I started I couldn't stop! I'm going to leave a giant review here, at the end, but I'll probably go back and review random chapters after if I forget to add something to this or there's something specific I want to comment on.
This might be my favorite of all your Rose stories so far. I love them all, but this one had me hooked from the beginning and hit me in all the different types of feels. But what I also love about it is that it took place in NYC! I've seen a few fics that take place in NYC, but I've never seen one with the amount of detail you've done, both in terms of the US's magical community and general knowledge of NYC.
In terms of knowledge of NYC, I loved all the little details you put in. I felt like I could've gone on a tour of the city and lived the fic through its geography just based on the details. I've been to most of the places Rose went to in this (all of the touristy spots) so it was really fun to imagine the Weasleys and Scorpius there!
Okay, I think I'm done nerding out over NYC, at least for now. I'll move onto the plot. Ambrosia! What a nasty woman. I love her as a villain, but hate her as a person and I'm glad they finally caught her!
Your plot was so intricate, the way you weaved Ambrosia, a British villain, into the underground world of the NYC wizard crime scene. And you even drew politicians into it! So great.
All the new characters were hilarious, especially Mimi. I love how Rose didn't figure out that she was a man, and when Scorpius told her it was the funniest thing ever. I hope we'll see her again if you do another one!
I'm really glad Rose got arrested just so Ron and Hermione would have an excuse to come to the city and be a part of the story. I LOVE the way you write adult Ron and Hermione, especially the relationship between the two. It's just how I imagine it would be. The bits where Scorpius and random members of the public get uncomfortable around their arguments are the best.
And Ron's love of food. Can't write a Ron fic without it! I do hope he was able to get a knish from a street vendor before he went back to England.
Scorpius as a dad might be the sweetest thing in the world. I love how you have him being the one who primarily takes care of Ramses while Rose is off hunting down bad guys. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, your Rose/Scorpius dynamic makes me not totally dislike the ship! It was nice to see Rose get worried about Ramses, though. Her mothering instincts are there; she just has to dig a bit deeper to find them.
I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but when I think of it I'll put it in a review of one of the previous chapters. I hope you write another one! Great story! :)Author's Response: Oh thanks for the big review! I loved reading it! I'm really glad you enjoyed the story.
I had a lot of fun writing this. It's more detective-y in this one than her usual, since she's not going after a bounty and isn't motivated by money as she usually is (since Scorpius's gallery show is making money, she's not as broke). And setting it in the US was fun, since I got to drop her out of her element. She is really set in her pathways around London and her usual contacts. She's a creature of habit in a lot of ways. Making her work in NYC made her expand a bit. I have been to NYC a few times, and you know I'm a Ravenclaw with research ;) so I tried to really immerse the story in the city.
I can just see the Weasleys trotting around the city with Hermione reading out of the guidebook with Scorpius while Ron slouches along trying to be cool and rolling his eyes at his wife, and Rose gets distracted by everything other than what they're supposed to be looking at. XD
Ambrosia is a nasty piece of work, which makes for a good villain. She really wants to be the kingpin of somewhere, and since London didn't work out, New York will have to do. Until Rose manages to mess her up again.
Mimi was ridiculous amounts of fun to write, especially since Rose didn't notice she was actually a drag queen. Scorpius of course, did immediately but didn't feel the need to comment on it (cause he's that kind of guy) until he realized Rose didn't know.
Rose getting arrested, oh it was bound to happen sooner or later. Good thing Hatchcock was looking out for her or she would've been too flustered to call her mom as her lawyer. Bringing in Ron and Hermione was probably my favorite part of the story - they're so much fun to write, and they bring in so many new possibilities. It let Rose quit floundering too. She needed a partner along. And of course Ron wants to check out all the new foods!
Scorpius is definitely the primary caregiver, but then he is the responsible one. Rose would get distracted and forget to feed the baby or something. I never liked this ship until I started writing it. It was like Rose knocked on my brain and moved in, and brought Scorpius along with her. I don't know. XD
Thank you so much for the fabulous review! Report Review
Aww, I loved this fluffy chapter! Louis is definitely good with kids and I'm not surprised, since he has a nephew. The scene with Jonah was so sweet and made me smile just reading it. I bet it was a lot of fun to write.
I'm glad Louis feels so confident about doing his shifts on his own and I hope he's able let that confidence spread into his research. Although I'm sure that will be difficult considering the people he's teamed up with.
Fuller made me laugh. She reminded me of Bailey on Grey's Anatomy as well as the character I have in charge of St. Mungo's in Beyond the Shadow. It's so fun writing bossy people in charge. Great chapter! I can't wait for the next! :)Author's Response: It was a lot of fun to write ;) And more Jonah coming soon, too. He'll make another appearance in chapter seven.
Yes, Louis has confidence issues when drama occurs so things should get interesting. Plus there's a character (not going to name any names) that will stir up some added drama that will may or may not distract him from the research (even if will be temporarily).
I agree, bossy people in charge make for some fun writing. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Aw, yay, Victoire is pregnant! I knew that's what the news was! I hope that the baby isn't a werewolf, but it could go either way, of course. And I'm happy Dom is engaged, too. A lot happening for Louis's family!
And a lot happening for Louis, too! I kind of felt bad for him while he was meeting the research team, since none of them seemed all that enthused that he was there. I hope the rest of the team is a bit kinder, although I have a feeling he'll win them over yet. I'm still undecided about Thomas, since he seems to have Louis's best interests at heart, yet I hated that comment he made about it always being Miranda's time of the month. But that's what makes a good character! I'm really interested to get to know the research members as the story continues.
Aw, little Remus! He made me happy. Such a little sweetheart. And I loved Victoire being all motherly and Louis ignoring everything she said. I just love all the family banter. Great chapter! Can't wait for the next! :)Author's Response: I have an idea where Victoire's pregnancy is concerned, but I'm not sure if I'll follow through. I'll decide when I reach that point.
Yeah, that darn research team just won't give poor Louis a break, huh. There will be a couple who will be nicer, or otherwise tolerate Louis, and you'll see them make appearances in chapter six (one made an initial appearance in chapter five). Ah, Thomas is a good guy, but he is also a man and men make comments like that on occasion (even the good ones); plus, Thomas is still young himself (early to mid thirties) so he can still act immature because men generally never stop acting like idiots (saying stupid stuff) through their twenties and thirties at the very least. At least from the judgment I have of them that is.
I love writing Remus, he really is a cute kid. All kids are fun to write. Glad you enjoyed all the family togetherness and banter, more to come. Thanks again for reviewing! (: Report Review
Yay, new chapter! I'm glad to see that Louis officially accepted the promotion. Now the action can get started! And I see that it has since poor Jonah has been attacked. Camping on the full moon really isn't the best idea, although it certainly makes for a good plot point. I hope he recovers, despite the fact that he'll be a werewolf for the rest of his life.
Aw, Lily! I love the idea of Lily being a reporter and sort of following in her mother's footsteps. It's great to see interaction between Louis and all his cousins. Also like the addition of Frank, especially his obvious love of Lily. So adorable!
The detail of Gretchen charming Thomas's lunch is hilarious and sweet. Doctors never do seem to have much time to eat. I hope to see a few cameos of her in the story at some point. She seems nice. Great chapter and I can't wait for the next! :)Author's Response: Yep, the action is setting in now. Just wait until chapter five and you'll feel even more for Jonah. Poor kid doesn't deserve any of this anymore than the other kids who were attacked before him. Also, expect to see a bit more of Frank, though he probably won't show up again until chapter seven or eight. As for Gretchen, so far I haven't planned a cameo but I'm sure she'll show up eventually and Louis is going to stay friends with Thomas so we'll see.
Thanks for reviewing! Hope you enjoy the next chapter!
Leslie (: Report Review
Yay, a new chapter! I've been meaning to read and review this ever since it went up, but today is the first day off I've had in over a week. But anyway, onto the review!
I'm glad we got to meet Louis's roommates! They seem like hilarious guys and I can't wait to learn more about them. I feel bad for Louis, though, with the noise. I'm a light sleeper as well. I can't sleep through even the tiniest bits of noise and white noise is even worse.
Aw, I loved the scene with Louis and Fleur! So sweet. I have a feeling that Victoire is pregnant, but I suppose I'll have to wait to find out if that's true or not.
I have a feeling something is going to happen at the Leaky whilst Louis is there celebrating with his roommates. I have no idea what, though. Can't wait to find out! Great chapter! :)Author's Response: That's alright, I know how busy you've been. (: I'm just happy that you're still reading and enjoying the story.
Yep, had to introduce his flatmates, that was a definite this chapter. And I'm so glad you loved the scene with Louis and Fleur because I always get nervous writing the parents of the next gen characters. I don't ever want to ruin the characterizations that J.K. Rowling already set up. And more on Victoire's news in chapter four, I think.
Nope, nothing major, though his flatmates did get drunk and you may hear more of their drunk escapades in future chapters. But Louis didn't drink that much, but we'll see him get drunk later on in the story. He's just going to be focused on work for a while. Thanks so much for reviewing, Sarah! Report Review
Yay!!! So happy you posted the first chapter, Leslie! I've been so excited to read it ever since you first told me about it.
I enjoyed this first foray into Louis's life. You had a good mix of background info along with current events, especially how Louis is already having to make his decision. It's a good balance!
Aw, Louis. I feel a bit bad for him, given that he's the youngest and clearly trying to prove himself both to his sisters, his parents, and himself. But he's got a soft side, too, which was great to see as he talked about the poor kids attacked by the werewolf. Then you revealed a bit of snark that I loved! He's obviously sick of working under a supervising healer and makes it known, which is great. He's quiet, but not always, which will be helpful when he's working on the project!
The family tree is really helpful! I like how Audrey is Penelope Clearwater's sister. And I LOVE that you have Teddy and Victoire's son a werewolf! I definitely think it's possible (given my stories, haha), and the connection Hugo has with werewolves will help him.
I spotted some grammatical errors here and there (mostly missed commas), so let me know if you want me to beta or anything. I really loved this first chapter and I can't wait to read more! :)Author's Response: Yeah, I was getting antsy about posting it so it was only a matter of time :P I hope it doesn't disappoint.
Glad you found it a balance because I tried to keep things interesting while at the same time painting the backdrop for the story to come. Yep, he's definitely a softie. Added that personal touch of Ted and Vic's son being a werewolf to add more personal depth to his motivation to take the job because I figured it'd show more drive that way and I'm glad you were able to pull something away from it.
Yep, there had to be a Weasley family member working with werewolves that could help provide additional information to Louis in case anything is withheld from the healers (you never know). Plus, the Weasleys are such a huge family that it wouldn't be unseen that one of them worked in a dept that would be helpful for Louis.
Yeah, I'm trying to use commas less than I usually do because I have a tendency to overuse them, but I'll go back and take a look at that. And if you want to beta then that would be good too. It's been a few years since I've had a beta and it's harder for me to catch my mistakes in fiction prose because often times when I go back to it after I posted it I notice these mistakes that I should have caught but didn't. I'm hoping to post the next chapter in two weeks time. Report Review
I love how you have Professor Vector as the head of Slytherin! I've never seen that done before.
I really hope Al and the others can make it to try-outs. Try-outs for a Hogwarts team...seems that there's some sort of Quidditch competition with other wizarding schools. That will be exciting! I did that in one of my stories once.
Aww, Lily! She seems very sweet in this. I can't wait to read more about her and James and their interactions with Albus. Also can't wait to read more about Angela.
I haven't mentioned this before now, but I really adore how you named this Hindsight and the story focuses on the aftermath of the incident, rather than describing the incident itself. It works so well! Great chapter. :) Report Review
Ooo, now we've been introduced to Angela! I really like her so far. I especially enjoyed her commentary on Al & Scorpius's friendship.
Speaking of that, I really like the way you have developed it, at least judging from Angela's description. So many authors have them be friends from the very start of their first year (despite the unlikeliness of that, given the epilogue...but that's another rant of mine for another time...), but as far as I can tell from Angela's description, you haven't done that. Instead, they seem to have had a reluctant alliance in a competition against the rest of the school that perhaps turned into a reluctant friendship. Although, it's still hard to tell at this point. Either way, it's very interesting!
And now there are a few more details in the mystery of what is going on. Again, I love the way you're unraveling it slowly, leaving the reader wanting more. Awesome chapter! :) Report Review
Merry Christmas, Ty! This is the first of many reviews that I'll be leaving for your Secret Santa present!
What I enjoyed the most about this chapter was the fact that it jumped right into the action, without explaining what exactly was happening. It's a great way to capture the reader's attention! I immediately wanted to read on to figure out why Al & co were trying to break into the castle. The fact that you still hadn't revealed what was going on by the end of the chapter just made it all the more intriguing!
I can't wait to read on and delve deeper into the characterizations, especially Al & Scorpius.
This line- “You’ve never heard: windows of opportunity occasionally require a rock," is my favorite! So funny! Great first chapter! :) Report Review
Hi! Duckie here with your requested review. :)
Bit of a disclaimer first. This was the first Remus/Sirius I've ever read. I'm very much a canon person in terms of ships (and everything, really), but I'm not opposed to all non-canon ships. I'll be honest and say that I'm not a huge fan of Remus/Sirius, but you made it seem believable to me!
I was hooked from the second section, where Remus comes home from Order business and Sirius is aloof. It seemed so real and haunting, especially coming from the section before. You captured both Remus and Sirius's personalities extremely well, but fit their canon personalities into a non-canon ship. I rarely see that done well, so great job! I felt really bad for both of them in that section.
I found a few tense issues in the sections after Sirius's death. The first few sentences of the whole chapter were in past tense, but then you moved on to present tense, and the subsequent sections were all in present tense. I do wonder how it would read if you did all the sections where Sirius was alive in past tense and the other sections in present tense. I think it might get rid of any time period confusion.
I was a bit confused with the time period changes. I understood that a time period had taken place, but I was unsure exactly what time period it was. All the sections with Sirius alive made sense, but the others took me a while to figure out. Again, I wonder if playing with the tense would fix that.
It definitely seemed complete! The emotions were great and I was really able to get a sense as to how Remus felt during the entire story. My heart ached for him the whole time. He's my absolute favorite character and I think you captured his personality wonderfully. If you do happen to play with the tenses, I'd love to read it again. Just PM me on the forums if you do. Great story! :) Report Review
Hi A_w! Finally getting to your review. :)
First I have to comment on the plot, because this prologue is very intriguing! Your description was great. Despite the fact that Lorcan was ten in this, the way you described him and what he was doing in the beginning made it seem like he was much older. I really liked that!
I enjoyed the air of mystery you had in much of this. Your story summary just mentions Lily, Scorpius, and Snape, so I was hooked by the fact that the prologue was about Lorcan. I wanted to keep reading in order to figure out how he fit into the plot. The fact that you didn't tie it all up until the very end worked well.
Now onto your writing style. As I mentioned before, your description was really well done. There wasn't too much of it, but I was able to imagine everything happening. I got a really good sense as to the environment as well as Lorcan himself.
A few of your sentences were very long, with many sections tied together by commas. They distracted me a bit, and they'd probably do better if separated. There weren't many, but a few in the very beginning of the chapter were written that way.
There wasn't much dialogue in this chapter, of course, but the dialogue that was there worked well. Lorcan's fear came across well in his dialogue, as did Snape's anger.
The part where it transitioned between when Lorcan was ten and the present time was slightly jarring. I had to go back and reread to figure out that a time jump had occurred. I'm not sure exactly how to remedy that. Perhaps a page break? It's something you might want to play with.
I really enjoyed this chapter! Great description, especially. I always admire people who write good description. Feel free to re-request for another chapter! :)Author's Response: I'm so bad, stealing review spots away from members. But I can't help myself. At least other staff know we won't ban your account if you something negative about our stories :P
Seriously, though, thank you for the review. I'm glad you liked the chapter. I'm always unsure about the amount of description to use, though I guess that's a pretty common concern. You can tell when a story has way too much or way too little, but everything in the middle can get a bit murky. I'm glad it seemed to work here okay.
You're right about a few sentences in the beginning being too long. I know I have a habit of abusing the comma (and the dash) on occasion, especially in the narration. I'll definitely have a look at chopping a few of those up.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean about the change in time. Other than when a few hours pass with Lorcan in the bushes, from the time he's pulled into the house until the last line is all one big chunk of time/the span of about 10 minutes. Hmmm... I'll look at it again and make sure I've made that clear.
Thank again for the review. I hope your review thread has been treating your well :D
Aw, poor Molly! So much for Finn maturing. Their relationship reminds me a lot of James and Lily, before they started dating. What Finn did to the potion was truly mean, though. And now they're both punished for it, despite the fact that it wasn't Molly's fault. I'm sure that detention will be interesting.
I'm even more intrigued by Percy now! I always thought he'd be a strict father, but getting angry over one detention? That seems a bit much, although it doesn't surprise me that Percy would. I hope he doesn't find out! Great chapter! :)Author's Response: Yes, I can see how Finn and Molly's relationship could model James and Lily's own relationship. Finn eventually comes around to accepting his feelings for Molly, and Molly in turn falls for Finn. Sit back and enjoy the ride because Molly & Finn's relationship is one heck of a roller coaster ride. :D
Yeah, Percy is strict and he puts more pressure on Molly because he sees himself in her and knows how intelligent she is, as well as how far she can succeed and thus pushes her to do her utmost best. Molly's whole character revolves around how her father pushes her and throughout her final year she's trying to find herself by finding what it is she wants to do instead of what her father wants her to do after Hogwarts. Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Yay, more Finn! I have a really hard time disliking him, despite the fact that Molly dislikes him at this point. I guess that's what happens when I know the plot before I read the story. Oh, well! I'm really glad that he and Molly had a civil conversation.
I also can't wait to read more about Erin and Mathis. They strike me as very similar to Ron and Hermione, the way they argue, so perhaps something is happening there? Maybe? Another great chapter! :)Author's Response: Yes, knowing the plot definitely can influence how you feel about Finn :P But I'm happy you like him and think Molly is already a well-rounded character :D I love writing both of them so much and Molly is definitely my favorite next generation female to write (James II being my favorite over all).
Yes, Erin and Mathis do have a Hermione and Ron thing going on, however they don't ever go out (though I'm thinking of having them finally start dating in BILY... or maybe I already wrote that they were going out... can't remember, they're at least still best friends in BILY, I can tell you that much, and single). Thanks for reviewing! :D Report Review
Hi Leslie! I am finally reading this! I love the way you've characterized Molly, especially by having her be the only Weasley in Ravenclaw. I can't wait to read more about how that affects her.
Aww, Al's best friends with Scorpius. Such a contrast with how I've characterized both of them. I wonder if they'll be playing a big roll in this story. I'm thinking not, since they're quite a bit younger than Molly.
I'm very intrigued by how you've characterized Neville! I've never seen him written as a stern professor, so it'll be interesting to see how that plays out. Great first chapter! :)Author's Response: Yay! Thanks, I'm glad you like how I've characterized Molly. I love playing around with the dynamic of her character in each scene I write her in because I think she's such a flexible character.
Yes, I went the Albus is a Slytherin route and is therefore best mates with Scorpius. And you'll occasionally see him when I write from Finn's POV, but for the most part he's just scenery in the story as Molly and Finn are at the forefront (and Molly has her own life apart from her family).
Well, I wouldn't say I've characterized Neville as stern per se, but he definitely isn't a professor to be walked over (that's why I end up giving him a promotion to Headmaster in BILY) ;) Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hi! Duckie here with your requested review. :)
I really enjoyed the way you began this, with Victoire's thoughts on friendship. It was a good characterization tactic. Going back to the theme of friendship throughout the rest of the story, despite its obvious turn toward romance, was a good choice. It knit the story together, in my opinion.
However, I felt that there needed to be more characterization and more details on Victoire and Teddy's relationship. Teddy obviously betrayed Victoire's trust and friendship, but I feel that specifics would have given an even better insight into their relationship, and their individual characters.
The grammar was good, for the most part. I found a few sentences that needed commas. A good way to find out where you need a comma is to read your story out loud to see where the natural pauses would be. There was also one sentence that seemed awkward and a bit of a run-on. "You see so many 'popular' people who are adored by many and are constantly surrounded by friends who, but when it comes to some sort of bad drama they're out of there like there's a sale on at Gladrags, but you never expect your friends to be like that." I think it would work better if you split it up into two sentences.
The only other issue I had with it was that it was difficult to tell how old Victoire was in this. I knew she was out of Hogwarts because her thoughts on friendship seemed too mature for a teenager, but other than that, I wasn't sure. I also did not realize that she'd actually been married to Teddy until I read the extra information in your review request. I think it would be good to make that a bit more clear. I thought he was her boyfriend.
I really enjoyed the lack of dialogue! As someone who writes too much dialogue, your inner monologue style and description were refreshing! I definitely got the feel that Victoire is a strong woman and her situation with Teddy only made her stronger. Great one-shot! :) Feel free to re-request for another story! Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review. :)
This was hauntingly beautiful! It was definitely very different from your old stuff, but in a good way, I think. The first part, where Rose has her inner monologue, struck me as very poetic. I actually heard it in my head as if Rose was at a poetry reading and she was reading it. I have no idea if that was intentional or not, but I think it worked incredibly well!
I also liked the vagueness of it. Rose never said exactly what happened in the forest, nor do we know for sure what happened in the end, but an astute reader can figure it out from the clues. I do doubt that younger readers would understand exactly what happened (and yes, I am being vague in this review to keep it 12+), but that's more a personal choice than something that needs to be fixed. I personally think the vagueness is good.
I think the emotions were definitely your strong suit in this piece. Rose's fear, both about what happened and about Scorpius finding out, came across very well. The paragraph describing the panic she feels when Scorpius talks to her was done very well.
I didn't find very many grammatical or spelling errors. Just a sentence missing a word- "I rise out of my chair and head for door." You're missing the "the" before "door."
One thing I would've enjoyed having in here was a little more on the nature of Scorpius and Rose's relationship. Obviously they are together, but for how long? Did they just get together? Or have they been together a while? Perhaps even another sentence or two of characterization for Scorpius. That way the reader has a little more invested in their relationship, which would only strengthen your piece.
I think the parts you have in italics are perfect! I read them as poetry rather than lyrics, which helped continue the poetic beat throughout the story. And I think you did the poetry thing very well!
I really loved this story. The style was wonderful and the plot well-executed. You handled a sensitive subject very well! Feel free to re-request for another story! :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm sorry for the delayed response!
Yes, it is very different from my old stuff, isn't it? After three years, I just had this urge to get back into writing - I needed it, really. I'm so glad you liked that first part! I've had a lot of complaints about it, actually. I suppose that other reviewers didn't really understand the stream of consciousness. Ah well, you're a fabulous reviewer and so perceptive!
I'm also glad you liked the vagueness. I definitely agree with you when you say that younger readers might not understand. But, I think the gravity of the situation holds its own, for sure.
Thank you! I think I've always been sort of strong when it comes to emotions, but I think this is just another testament to my growth as a writer. I'm glad you liked the emotions - it's something I feel strong about - to me, a story is nothing with an emotional element.
Oh, thank you for pointing that out! I really should edit!
You're right, I probably should extend this, but I just can't bring myself to do so! I'm always afraid I will edit and mess up what I've got, but I will definitely consider it! :)
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I really do appreciate it! :) Report Review
Hi! Duckie here with your requested review. :)
First, I adore this plot. Penelope is such an interesting character and I always wondered what happened to her after graduation and whether she was at the Battle. I never even thought about her dying, since JKR didn't specify her fate, but it makes sense.
The very beginning was my favorite part. Penelope's musings about pennies in a fountain gave great insight to her character. I thought that was a very good way of characterizing her. I do think it would've been nice to know that she was a photographer prior to the battle scene, though. It felt a little abrupt, coming out right before she died.
I spotted a few recurring grammatical errors. You have a few extraneous commas throughout the story. I won't point them all out because that would take a lot of space, but I highly suggest reading your story aloud to yourself and see where the natural pauses are.
Another is that you need a few semicolons. If two thoughts you want to connect with a comma could stand alone as two sentences, you need to use a semicolon rather than a comma to separate them. Here's an example- "I would never show it to Percy, it would probably break his heart, but it was beautiful." The semicolon should be placed where the first comma is, as the first bit could be its own sentence, as could the part following "Percy."
There were a few tense issues in the beginning. Make sure your verbs all match in terms of tense. Example- "I watched my sister as she took a penny from her purse, and drop it into the fountain at Trafalgar Square." "Drop" should be "dropped."
I adored your voice in this! It flowed very nicely and it almost had a ghostly feel to it. It almost felt as if Penny was a ghost, looking on, even before she died. I'm not sure whether that was intentional, but it worked very well! Perfect for a photographer observing.
Overall, very good story! I loved the plot! :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you, this is a brilliant review! The grammar help is lovely, because i'm pretty rubbish in that area *dies* This was so, so helpful, and It's lovely to know that you liked my story :D Thanks thanks thanks xx Report Review
Hello! Duckie here with your requested review. :)
First, I have to say how intrigued I am by your plot in general. I don't normally read AUs, although I have no aversion to them. I've never seen a plot like this before and I really enjoyed reading your prologue.
I also have to compliment you on your correct use of the semicolon! I so rarely see that used correctly (and its misuse so often coincides with the comma splice, another pet peeve of mine). I got very excited when I saw that you did in fact use it right. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic...
I only spotted two very slight grammatical errors. The first is in this sentence- "He'd be hidden better in the buildings shadows than he would on the main road behind him." You're missing an apostrophe on "buildings." The second is in this sentence- "He needed to money, regardless of how it was earned." If I'm interpreting the quote right, you don't need the "to" between "needed" and "money." Again, very nit picky things, but I thought I'd point them out.
Your description was very good! I found it very easy to imagine exactly what was happening as I read. I think you had just the right amount of description, because it didn't bog down the plot. You had just enough to give the reader what they need.
I'll be interested to see a bit more characterization in the later chapters. There seemed to be a lot of mystery around the main character, and I could tell that was done on purpose, but I feel there needs to be more characterization on him in the next few chapters. I did really like how you kept his identity a secret throughout this chapter. It really hooks the reader! I know I want to know who he is.
I think you have a wonderful, unique plot on your hands and this prologue is certainly compelling! I think you gave just enough information to grab the reader's attention and keep them wanting more. Feel free to re-request when you update! :)Author's Response: Ah, this has taken me too long to respond to. I'm so sorry. I've had the craziest few months, and I totally forgot I had unanswered reviews. :( I didn't mean to be rude.
Ohhh, good. Haha, AU's are some of my favourites (when written well), as they can really give you so much more room to explore the characters then the traditional setting can. This story, for example, is completely without magic, which means I really have to think through how everything is going to fit together, etc. But it's fun to write and hopefully it'll be fun to read as well. :)
I did fix those up. Thank you for pointing those out. I'm terrible with apostrophes. They're my biggest weakness, as they always move around and I forget where they go for what tense, etc. D:
Oh, our mystery man isn't our main character. He's just setting the scene for us for later down the track. The next chapter (when I find a spare moment to write it) starts to introduce the characters with a lot more characterisation, and setting, etc. :)
Thank you so much for the wonderful review, and again, I'm so, so sorry it took me so long to reply. I'll be sure to re-request!
- A. :) Report Review
Oh, you're evil! :P Haha, now I'm going to have to go directly into reading Midnight Over Broadway. I need to know whether the baby is a boy or a girl.
This was so funny and so adorable. Didn't take me long to read since you had me hooked from the start. I almost wish it had been longer since pregnant Rose is hilarious. I especially enjoyed how Scorpius fainted during the delivery. Somehow I'm not surprised.
I loved the Weasleys' and Malfoys' reactions to the pregnancy. They were so perfect. I hope they'll all be in the next one since they add so much humor to the series.
Scorpius is going to make such a great dad. And Rose as a mum is going to be so funny. Great story! I shall move on to the next now! :)Author's Response: Ha! It's fun to be tricky. Yes, you'll see in chapter 1 of M.O.B. ;)
This one is a short read. I thought about making it longer but I think it would have overstayed its welcome, so to speak. Pregnant Rose was fun though. And poor Scorpius, he would faint, wouldn't he?
I'm glad the reactions from the two families fit the groups as I write them - it's such different reactions from the two that it makes for good contrast. But then, the Weasleys and Malfoys always make a strong contrast.
Scorpius will be a great dad - Rose will probably be a better mum than she thinks, but mostly because she can take her cues from Scorpius. haha. Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
It's taken me far too long to finish reading this. I read the first eight chapters in about a week and then got busy and forgot. But I just read the last two and now I'm all happy at the fluffy, romantic ending. So adorable!
I really loved this story. It was awesome getting to read a bit more about Lucy and Roxanne, after seeing their cameos in your other stories. I especially loved the fact that Victoire and Johnny Lupin were in it because I think they may be my two favorites from your stories.
I knew Lucy was going to wind up with Hilarion and Roxanne would wind up with Perry from the beginning but I loved reading how they got to that point. Hilarion was so adorable and I love that he isn't really into Quidditch, but just plays because he's good at it. Such a nice change from the usual Quidditch players I've seen in stories.
Perry is awesome and so perfect for Roxanne. She fits in so well with his group of friends. Cornish Dan was very funny and I love the fact that all the Dans have to be referred to in some other way.
Anyway, this was an adorable story and it fit in so well with all the Rose stories. Loved it and I shall be starting Next Midnight soon! :)Author's Response: You forgot about me? I'm so distraught. :p It's okay homie, I appreciate reviews whenever they come, and I'm really glad you liked the story!
Telling Roxanne's and Lucy's stories was a lot of fun. And cameos from the Lupins always makes my day.
Ah romance, predictable yet satisfying. I'm glad you liked the pairings; I think they're well suited to each other, both sets of them. Hilarion's a different sort of a jock, isn't he? I like that he's not into it but is good at it nonetheless. Natural talent, but he wouldn't even watch the game if he didn't have to. I find that interesting, I suppose. Perry I had a lot of fun with his character, he's definitely perfect for Roxanne. Ah Cornish Dan! I've had a lot of friends where you have to distinguish who you mean ("Which Rachel? Inappropriate Stage Makeup Rachel or Our Rachel?").
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'm really glad you liked it :) Report Review
This was adorable! And soo funny! I absolutely loved Teddy's apprehension about everything in the kitchen, especially his attempt at making cookies. And Remus and Johnny's commentary throughout the whole thing was just hilarious. It sort of reminded me of the times my dad would cook dinner for my siblings and I when my mom was busy or sick. He has two or three things he'll make and that's pretty much it. Although he can make them pretty well.
Poor Victoire! She's really got her hands full with three kids, another on the way, and a husband who can't even fry up sausages correctly. I loved how snappy she was with Teddy.
Ahh, pizza! Hugo saves the day. I bet Teddy will always order pizza whenever he has to cook now. That totally reminded me of how in one of my stories after Victoire's just given birth to twins and her best friend comes over to feed everyone and help take care of the twins while Teddy is at work, she brings pizza. She's like your Teddy, only cooking things from a box.
Very cute story! Loved it! :)Author's Response: Teddy should have just swallowed his pride and ordered some take-away food, but he just had to try and show he could do what Victoire could do. Clearly, he cannot ;) The boys' commentary was fun to write. They really have no idea what they're talking about, but will totally lecture their dad about how Mom does it anyway.
My husband generally gets fast food when left to his own devices, though he can cook (not a lot of things, but some things). I think it's a guy thing. A dad thing maybe. Sad really. :p
Poor Victoire. Trying to cook with morning sickness is no bueno. Definitely the time to be snippy at one's husband for his incompetence haha.
Hugo is definitely in the responsible contingency of Weasley next gens. He thinks ahead. Friends bringing food when one has newborn twins is a huge help. A few people brought me food when my twins were born. Someone brought pizza and blueberry cheesecake one night. I ate it for three days straight, it was so good. Still remember that fondly haha.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Didn't take me long to read this one! Three days, I think? Your stories are addicting. I think I liked this one even more than JAMR.
I LOVED the Lenny plot line. He was so funny and I like to think he and Scorpius had a sort of bromance going on with all the time they spent hanging out in Rose's flat while she was off getting kidnapped.
I also really liked learning more about Harry, Ron, and Hermione's lives at the Ministry. Your take on it is very realistic. Again, their personalities are spot on and you write them as adults very well. The funny bits were great. I love that the whole "Weasleys never turn down free food" came back.
It was really interesting to read more about Dominique in this one since there was a bit about Victoire and Louis in JAMR. The contrast between the two sisters was so big, but I loved that. One of my sisters and I are vastly different, so it's great to read about sisters like that. But they still care about each other, which is great. I felt so bad for Dom during the dinner party scene. But I love that she went through with the divorce even after Andrew's memory got erased.
I think one of my favorite parts of this was the fact that the bad guys were girls. That's so rare, so it's great to see. The duel between the two was awesome, especially Sergei's commentary. The ending was awesome, especially the bit where Scorpius got paid 2K for that painting. Although I somehow doubt it'll last long, with him and Rose's luck.
Definitely going to read all the various one-shots now! And Next Midnight, I think that comes next, right? Great story!!! :)Author's Response: Yay I'm glad you liked it! I totally think Scorpius and Lenny had a grand old time sitting around singing and playing guitar together. I had a lot of fun writing Lenny, so I'm glad you liked him. :)
Funny bits are my favorite XD I really enjoy writing Harry, Ron, and Hermione as adults, and having them still be very close. I totally picture Harry and Ron having lunch every day and popping into each other's office just to hang out when they're supposed to be doing paperwork. And of course, Hermione coming to see Ron and locking his office door and thinking no one knows it's cause they're making out in there haha.
Dominique and Victoire are definitely very different. I do think they have their similarities though, and they do still love each other of course. Victoire's very much the matriarch of the group of cousins, and Dominique being the only other one to have children at this point gives them something else in common. Poor Dommie, she thought Andrew was her happily-ever-after. The big jerk. I think it's best she held strong after his memory was erased and he wanted her back. There's more of Dominique in "Sparks" ;)
Bad guys who are girls ftw! haha. You don't see a lot of that, but it does happen so why not? And Scorpius's 2k Galleons is going to be spent quickly of course - those two don't have a ton of forward-planning happening.
I'm so glad you liked it, and thank you so much for reviewing! The next sequentially is "Sausages and Cookies" (a Teddy/Victoire one-shot) and then "Sparks" and then is "Next Midnight" :) Report Review
Hi, WTM! I figured I'd leave one long review instead of small ones on each chapter. Especially since I read it pretty fast once I got it on my Nook...
I adore the way you characterized Rose and Scorpius. They're so different from any other way I've seen them written that I was able to get past my dislike of Scorose. Rose is just so funny and so unlike Hermione. It's wonderful. And Scorpius as an artist, there's one I never thought of before. But it totally fits.
The whole Weasley family was great. Each one had a distinct personality and their interactions were awesome. I especially loved Molly the Quidditch player and Louis with his many girlfriends. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were awesome as well, and you wrote them in a very believable way. And I definitely loved the whole "Weasleys never turn down free food" thing.
The plot itself was really good. I had a feeling Knapper was involved with Venatici, but had no idea Worthing would be involved. Definitely a shock there. The kidnapping scene was great. I love reading/writing inept criminals. The arguing between Pulford and Worthing about what to do with Rose and Johnny was hilarious. And Johnny with his manticore thing. That was great.
Such a great story! I'm going to move on to the sequel now. Can't wait to read more about Rose and Scorpius and see what they get up to next! :)Author's Response: Hey Duckie! Thanks for reviewing, sweetie :D
I'm glad the ScoRose haters (which I totally understand, I actually don't usually like the ship either) can still enjoy this story. Rose the way I write her is not very Hermione-ish. She's much more Ron-ish, if anything. I like Scorpius as an artsy type, with music and painting and wearing his hair in a ponytail XD
Writing the Weasleys is probably my favorite part of the Next Gen thing (or any story really). Molly the Mohawked pro athlete and former Head Girl, Louis and his bevy of inappropriate women, Fred the dorky but sweet puppy dog guy. They're so much fun. You'll get to see a few more of them in the sequel. Writing the trio, I really haven't written them much in their teen years, but I really love writing them as grown-ups and parents.
They are definitely almost as inept as Rose, that's for sure. haha. It would have gone better if they were able to improvise better, or just killed everyone on sight. Oh Johnny Lupin, he is unimaginably fun to write. XD
I'm so glad you liked it! Definitely let me know how you like the sequel! There are three one-shots that fit in my Next Gen universe, you read one of them so far, and then Sparks, I think you'll like that one too. Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection