I really like the summary; it made me want to read the story straight away. I also like Albus and Gus, Albus' thoughts are funny and Gus' reaction too.
This isn't so much a grammatical problem or anything, but more the text. It's a little easier to read if there's a space of a line between each paragraph/bit of dialogue... however, that's more just my preference than something important.
"Yes, Al, excellent. Maybe if you move at the pace of a flobberworm, she'll mistake you for one and be on her way." - one of my favourite quotes from here. :D
- Ria_Lee Report Review
Well, the first thing I want to say is that I found your summary very good. That was what made me click on the story, because I was curious to see who this person and their sister was. Not that I know yet, but never mind. :P
It's very short, but I don't mind that. It's a prologue, and an introduction, I suppose, so it doesn't have to be too long.
I really enjoyed the writing, and well done for managing it in the present (well, part of it). I've tried writing in the present tense before and I found it pretty hard. ;)
My favourite part is 'Most importantly, I knew that she was terrified. Terrified of the all the monstrous things she dreamed up. Terrified that she was going crazy whenever the phantom whispered to her in the dead of night.' I especially like the last sentence there, I like the idea. :)
I don't know if I haven't noticed anything important yet, or whether it's still a mystery, but I have no idea who the narrator and Mira are, so I'm still curious. That's probably a good thing, because if I remember, I'll be returning for the next chapter.
- Ria_LeeAuthor's Response: The summary was the first thing that came to me. I had wanted a narrator that wasn't the central focus of the story and, when I saw the banner, the idea for this story sprung into my mind.
I was struggling to get it to the satisfactory length, actually. I wanted the prologue to be brief, but inviting. To tell a bit about my two main girls without going overboard.
I normally never write in present tense, so it's pretty new to me. Most of the story will be in past, as she is telling of how she got to this point. Some parts will be shown in the present as my MC searches for answers.
I loved writing that line, so I'm glad you like it. :)
Well, I planned the two main girls to be OCs, surrounded by main canon characters of this era. Now you've gotten me think I should make at least one of them a canon character!
Thanks for the review. I always love feedback. :D
-moons Report Review
Hello again! :)
I like the chapter title! ^_^
The second thing I noticed was, while I found the description in the first few chapters very good, I thought you repeated the word 'warmth'/'warming'/'warm' etc. a bit too much in the first few paragraphs. While I don't mind the same word a few times, I think maybe a few alternatives dotted about would have helped. ;)
Well, the was 'whishing' again... did you mean 'wishing'? Still, only a small mistake, and my spelling/grammar isn't the best, so I could easily be mistaken.
'But nothing worked, because he was COLD. And real coldness didn't go away with warm thoughts.' Haha, poor him. I really like those two sentences, I thought they captured his thoughts well.
Aw, I felt sorry for little Merlin, after his home burnt down. Though I can tell his mother would be scared and everything, it wasn't really Merlin's fault!
Ah, a cliffhanger... Okay, now I'm really curious as to who is carrying him, so I'm looking forward to chapter two!
- Ria_LeeAuthor's Response: Ria! You're such a star! I'm going to go find all the 'whishing's and replace them! Urgh! I thought I'd fixed things. So much for speedy typing during November! :-P I'll also check out the warm/warmth thing, try and find some extra synonyms in Roget's without making it look like I was just playing 'thesaurus' all afternoon. I'm working on finding a Beta too...
Thanks for the praise on the title front. I tried to get into the mindset of a young child when writing the chapter originally, and the title just popped into my head.
Poor Merlin! Things get better... and worse. It's hard being the only one who can do magic in a muggle settlement. Especially in a world where 'deamons' are the watchword.
Anyway, stop back soon for more of Merlin's rather unusual life.
Gail Report Review
I enjoyed this chapter; I thought it was very well written.
My favourite line was "It zapped, it stung and we drew back, exchanging looks of bemusement." I liked the rhythm of it (if that makes any sense...) and I could imagine the two people looking a little shocked. :D
I wasn't so sure about this line: "We do not whish." I double-clicked on whish to get the dictionary thing, and it said 'whish' is like 'swish', so does that mean they didn't apparate away or something? Or did you mean 'wish'? Or am I just confused (which is likely)? :)
So yeah, this chapter wasn't very funny, but I'm assuming that seeing as this is just the prologue, the humour will come later. Oh, and sorry if I'm mixed up about this, but is this the novel you write for Nanowrimo? I think I saw something about it on the forums, then, but I may be mistaken.
Anyway, great job on this prologue, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter! :D
- Ria.Author's Response: Yeah, I meant 'wish'. And yes, I wrote this story during NANO, and I've not yet found a beta, so I did my best. The beta thing is in the works. I'll post a request over on the forums once the next chapter is up, so that the possible Betas can get a feel for the actual story, and not just the 'casing', so to speak.
I'm glad you liked this, though. I was a little worried about posting a prologue written in first-person plural like this, that it might scare people off. And as for the humour, it's in the actual story, rather than the introduction. Or at least, it's meant to be...
What's really got me smiling is that you liked the rhythm of the prologue. Because it was one of those, 'writing from behind my body' bits that just... well, they are either very good, or very, very, very bad. So, thanks! :-D
Please do come back for chapter 1!
PS. Thank you for being the first reviewer! Report Review
That was funny! I loved all Pansy's little comments about how she hates Astoria - but she still goes up and comforts her. I reckon she's a good friend whether she likes it or not. ;) And I like Pansy's counting how long she and Draco've been apart, down to the minutes. XD
I'm looking forward to the next chapter! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing! And so sorry I took so long to respond... I went to Texas for vacation, and totally didn't have the time to get HPFF. :'(
But thank you so much! Yeah, Pansy is a good friend, and she hates it... However, she's got a plan, so she's fine with it for now.
Unfortunately, the next chapter won't be coming out any time soon - I've got an absolute TON of things that need updating/editing, and school is definitely making it hard. But thanks again for leaving a loverly review!
-civilized Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter. I like the idea of triplets that don't all get along, and I laughed when Jessica and Kelsey finished each other's sentences and spoke at the same time. The scene at the end was also funny. But is Zaria an enemy of Kelsey's, or just someone she doesn't quite get along with? :)
Anyway, great chapter!
- Ria_LeeAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm really sorry I haven't responded to this sooner, I was on vacation, and didn't have the time (or motivation) to get on here...
I'm glad you like the triplets idea; I wanted to do something somewhat original, and it seems that Kelsey, Vic, and Jess are actually quite popular! But nope, Zaria is one of Jessica's best friends, and also one of Kelsey's, she's just got a very big personality and is one of those friends that isn't always the most fun to be around. She's very commanding and intimidating, but she's got a whole sub-plot that comes out in later chapters, so read more to figure it out! ;)
Thanks again for reviewing!
-civilized Report Review
Aw, it's very sweet! I was wondering what it would be like when I clicked on the story (I haven't read very many Harry/Hermiones at all and I wasn't sure if I would like it because of that) but it was very nicely written!
Hermione's character is realistically written, which is good because often in stories she is written OOC. Well done for that!
I thought the chapter was just the right length, not too short and not too long. I enjoyed it a lot!
- Ria_LeeAuthor's Response: Harry/Hermione is not that scary, I swear! LOL Thanks for reading. Report Review
Okay, I'm practically positive I've reviewed this before, but it must have been deleted back with the site crash thing. And, seeing as I've decided I want to read the next two chapters, I thought it'd be best to review this one again. :)
First of all, I love the description, especially in the beginning. Throughout the chapter, I could picture the party in my mind, as I read, which I thought was great. It's nice to read description where that happens. I also felt that it showed the feel of the time/era it was set in, which was good too.
I like the idea of the plot, especially the fairy story idea. The end of the chapter is a bit of a cliff-hanger, what with me having no idea what's going to happen with this 'beautiful girl'!
Another part I found you wrote well was the change from the party to Harriet and Minerva's conversation back at Hogwarts. I hardly noticed it had switched, so I thought that part was particularly well-written. There wasn't some sudden, huge change in between the two parts, no asterixes (is that the word for them?) marking a change in the time. So that part was nice!
Finally, Robert Wood? Is he a relative to Oliver Wood, then? It's interesting if he is, I must say.
Anyway, great first chapter! I enjoyed reading it!
- Ria_LeeAuthor's Response: Oh hi Ria, thanks so much for coming to replace your review!!
I'm happy you thought the time period seemed appropriate! Sometimes I have a hard time staying true to the era and I know very little about the 1940's, so it's great to hear you say that. :)
I love fairy tales so it was a lot of fun to incorporate that somehow into Harry Potter.
And Minerva's Hogwarts flashback was definitely challenging to weave into the narrative. I wasn't sure if it had been too abrupt so thank you for saying that! And yes, Robert Wood is related to Oliver Wood. Wouldn't it have been interesting if McGonagall had some kind of romance with her Quidditch captain's grandfather?
Thanks so much for the review, dear! Report Review
Brilliant! I really liked it, especially right at the end when Rita realises what she wants to be - it made me smile.
I think you managed to write the present tense really well, and I didn't notice any slips into past tense, myself. I liked how Professor McGonagall was written - strict and not quite approving of Rita.
Well done! ;) Report Review
I like the part at the start in italics, especially the last sentence, beginning 'And even though it would never be the greatest'. It was well-written and interesting - I liked how it was written almost from Hogwarts' point of view.
I don't really understand the sentence 'Even in battle and after it they stayed together, alive and more in love than ever before' in the first non-italicised paragraph. Personally, I think it would be better without the 'even', it seems to me as if it makes the sentence a little uneven sounding, maybe? That's what I think, anyway.
I think the part from Draco's view is very good, I think. I love the description of the day when the photo was taken. What I'm confused about is, are Draco and Hermione returning for their seventh year, or an eighth one? Sorry if that part of the plot isn't meant to be revealed yet, I was just wondering.
Carry on with it, it's nicely written!
Ria_Lee :)Author's Response: I really wanted to add something a bit epic at the beginning. I guess you could sort of say it is from the school's point of view. :)
Well, it's their seventh year of school, but basically it's the eighth year in the Potterverse, so i'm keeping canon. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and for pickng up on those details.
Thanks, Ria Lee. :) Report Review
This was interesting and cleverly thought up. I liked how you added about Pansy being afraid of the dark when she was small - it was a nice extra detail.
The way you used the first person tense was interesting too! I worked well, I liked it. Draco and Harry and Pansy as well seemed very In Character.
Well done!Author's Response: Thank you so much :D I'm so flattered!
xx Report Review
That was brilliant! Great job. You made Sirius very IC, I think, and Emilie was good - very mysterious. It's an interesting idea, a meeting of purebloods following Voldemort, and the sort-of prophecy and mind-reading made it all the more interesting to read. The small scene with Voldemort was written very well, and it's quite interesting to see him almost scared of someone.
I'm a little confused - were the italics meant to be there, at the end of the chapter? Anyway, wonderful job! Report Review
I was planning on reading this, and then when I clicked on the Random Story link, I got this!
So, anyway. I really liked it, you did a great job in showing Dumbledore's feelings. The names of his friends (Nicodemus and Proteus) are great, love them. One thing I've got to say though is that it was a little confusing when it suddenly changed from Dumbledore's memory to Snape talking, I was a little confused for a moment, but I now I read through this again I actually can see that it works pretty well. :)
Anyway, great job! A wonderful entry to the Staff Challenge, and a good story idea!Author's Response: I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this fic and that you liked my portrayal of Dumbledore. It was fun thinking up interesting names for Dumbledore's friends. Sorry about the confusion with the change from Dumbledore's memory, I'm glad you liked the way it worked after all though.
Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
Yay yay yay! New story! And it's good.
I really liked Ron's thoughts, feelings... his 'voice' throughout the chapter. It was nice and realistic. I think I like the sound of the plot, it seems interesting.
But, isn't Lindsay a little too perfect? I mean, no one is really amazingly pretty, elegant, imaginative, etc without having some faults. Of course, lots of people are either pretty or elegant or imaginative, but not generally all three together. Maybe you could try and develope her personality and character more, adding in a few faults. I'm not saying that she doesn't have any already, they're just not so obvious in this chapter.
Hermione's great, though. It happens quite often that people write her out of character, but you managed not to and she's brilliant, just like in the books. Oh, and I congratulate you on the title: it's really nice. So yeah, apart from a little about Lindsay, this is amazing! Well done and keep on writing it - I can't wait until the next chapter!
- Ria :)Author's Response: Whoo! I'm so glad you think it's good. I just got the idea one day, and suddenly I developed it into a whole new story. So, of course I wasn't sure of the feedback I would get, but it all seems really positive!
On the subject of Lindsay, though. About the whole perfect thing. Maybe if it's difficult to get I should clear it up. I know she seems unrealistic and too perfect, but that's through Ron's eyes, and so he sort of blocks out her faults, so the story actually doesn't explain them. But later, you will discover she has lots of bad points, when I write in Hermione's point of view especially. In fact, I was planning in the next chapter being in Hermione's pov, and so, unlike in the first chappie when Lindsay's faults are basically non-existant, her faults will be very strongly pointed out and you will see more of her character.
I'm glad you think Hermione was well portrayed, as I tried hard to get her in character and show how she would appear in Ron's point of view.
Overall, I feel flattered all over again, you've been so nice. Luvvies, Jelly xxx Report Review
Yay! Really, you did this chapter very well. I'm not usually a fan of Dramione, but this one works!
Personally, I couldn't see anything wrong with this chapter. No spelling mistakes or anything like that. I didn't actually examine everything, of course, but when I was just reading there was nothing I spotted.
I love your plot, it's really original. As I said, it's a believable Draco/Hermione. All the characters in this chapter seemed good and were keeping to their personalities. I especially liked Pansy and Blaise, they were really good. Just how I imagined them, especially Pansy.
So overall, a brilliant chapter. Well done!Author's Response: I'm so glad you like it because i'm not sure about this story myself sometimes. You have no idea how happy i am hearing that!
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
That was really good.
I loved it, the way you described Andromeda's emotions through what she said was really well done. Often it's a lot easier to describe how she's feeling directly, by saying 'she felt sad' or something better than that, but I think the way you instead told through her speaking was brilliant.
If I could say one thing bad about it, that would be that some of the paragraphs were a little too short for my liking. Although short paragraphs of about a sentence are good to give effect, I think that perhaps there weren't enough long ones. It's hard to do really long paragraphs when someone's speaking, so maybe you could have added some more description of where she was? Anyway, that's not so much of a mistake, more my personal opinion.
But otherwise, I thought it was a really great read. Well done!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I will try to have longer paragraphs in the future. Thanks a heap for the review and I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
Wow, that was really powerful. I love the idea, it's quite original. I'd never really thought before about how Sirius was in his time in Azkaban.
The story flowed really well, and I didn't get bored at all. It moved at a good pace, not too fast and not too slow. As far as I could see, there were no grammatical mistakes or things like that.
Over all, I loved this one shot. Well done!Author's Response: Thank you so much for that review. I really appreciate it and I wish I could think of something more original to say because it's great to receive a review like this. I'm really glad you liked it.
Ever since I heard about songfics, I've been tempted to write one about Sirius with that song. The situations are so similar that I wonder if JK Rowling was actually thinking about the political events the song is based on when she created Sirius' situation. (Even the dates are pretty close.)
Anyway thanks again. I really do appreciate it. Report Review
It's the end? Wow. Well, I certainly loved this story.
This epilogue was amazing. The part involving Voldemort and the Riddles' deaths was so good. I've never really thought about it before, but you imagined their deaths, taking the information that's canon and making u things inbetween. Well, all I can say is that it was absolutely brilliant.
The other epilogue is a bit confusing to me, but still fantastic. Is it what life would have been like for
Merope if Tom hadn't left, and she had lived giving birth to Tom? Anyway, it was so good and I almost feel sad it's the end. It was such a satisfying ending, though, that I'm still happy, and amazed as well. :)Author's Response: I'm so glad! :) The part about Voldemort coming to kill his father was a scene I looked forward to writing for a long time. I didn't have much information to go on from canon, but I could so easily see the scene inside my head and I wanted to see what people thought about my idea of what happened. Sorry the last part was confusing for you! It was my way of giving Tom and Merope a happy ending without going against canon. Yes, it was the way life would have been had Tom stayed with her - the way Merope had always wanted life to go.
I'm happy that it was a satisfying ending for you and I wanted to thank you for all of the great reviews you've left me throughout! *hugs* Report Review
I'm really sorry about not reviewing until now. So I did a long one for me, to make up for it, hopefully. :)
Oh, that's so sad. I can't believe Merope's dead... I knew it was going to happen but it's still a surprise. I loved her personality, you made her a really believable character and her feelings about Tom and the Love Potion were so realistic.
This chapter was brilliant, I love your writing style. Some of your descriptions are amazing, and the dialogue is excellent. It's the perfect end (apart from the epilogue) to the story.Author's Response: No problem, Ria! Thanks for coming to leave a review :) I know what you mean ... I knew exactly what would happen in Merope's story and I was so reluctant to write the end, because I had promised to stick to canon. So glad you thought she was a believable character; it was a challenge to make this minor character my own but it was so incredibly fun and rewarding. Thanks again!! Report Review
New chapter! :)
Haha, I just realised that this is written in the present tense. And there was me, thinking that it was in the past... shows how long it's been since I last read a chapter.
Right, so, reviewing. Charna's a great character, she's so mean she's nice, if you get what I mean? You prob'ly don't, I make no sense sometimes. Anyway, she's believable and definitely not a Mary-Sue.
I loved your descriptions of Draco, Harry and Ron's faces when Charna defends Harry. That was so funny, I could just see them.
I also loved the lines of Charna's thoughts, eg 'Oh, sweet Salazar' at the end there. They're amusing and they also help me get to know her character more.
Tada! A review! ;)Author's Response: Yep, new chapter! xD
Lol, that's an interesting way to put it... So mean, she's nice. Hehehehe. :p I totally get you! I usually don't make sense either, so don't worry. xD Oh, YAY! I'm so glad she's not Mary-Sue.
Aw, yippee, glad you liked the descriptions of Harry, Draco and Ron! =)
Aw, thanks! Thrilled you liked that.. ; D
Thanks for reviewing!!
Marauders_xx xx Report Review
Hello! Sorry, I've been away for a while too... but here's your review!
I adore this story, it's really good, honestly. You've got a really nice style that gives enough description but not too much, so it never gets boring and moves along at a good pace. I'm not really the biggest fan of Draco/Hermione, but this story makes it believable. You've captured Hermione's character perfectly, in my opinion, and Mia is great. I love how you put in Lockhart... I almost felt sorry for him.
Anyway, it's a wonderful fan-fic! Great job so far!Author's Response: Hiya!
It means so much to me that you like this story, because its the one i'm least confident about.
I just had to put Lockhart him, i love him... in a totally annoying fraud character way... hehe
Thanks so much for being such a loyal reader and reviewer! Report Review
Ooh, a cliff hanger! Bad, bad Jelly_Frog.
Love, love, LOVE this chapter! It's packed full of fun, it's exciting and I really want to read more! Also, you hardly ever used the word 'said', which I find quite hard to do. Just a thing, you wrote 'Bring Pour Pet To School', when I think you mean 'Bring Your Pet To School'. 'Cause somehow I don't think they'll be pouring pets out of teapots ;)
Anyway, superb chapter (I love that word) and overall story so far! Love it!Author's Response: Thank YOU! Report Review
Right, here's your second review. Sorry it's so late...
Anyway. I still love this story and I always will. It's a brilliant start, snapping straight into action, and I love your dialogue. The characters are all really believable, especially Kelsey. :)Author's Response: Thanks for that! I like the sound of it snapping up the reader! : Birdie snaps up reader! *Snorts* Well, I might try to get Sam more involved, but read on... :p Report Review
I love the beginning, it was very exciting and mysterious. The next part was still good, maybe not quite as good as the very beginning, but it's hard to make introducing the characters exciting. One thing: When you wrote 'It was snow white, with dark eyes, and a very beautiful bird' do you mean 'I was snow white with dark eyes; a very beautiful bird'? What you wrote didn't quite make sense to me.
All in all a very good start to your story. Keep going!
- Ria_Lee :) Report Review
Here you go,a re-review!
So, I love all the conversations between Jess and Ciss, they're all very realistic and though it may not seem it to you, O-Brilliant-At-Dialogue, that is quite hard to do! Cia'n'Rhia are both very annoying. Rhia, do I see a slight resemblance in names? ;)
Oh, and I love your description of an Oddity. Very funny creatures, I'd really love to meet one. Did you make them up, or were they already created? Either way it made for very entertaining and easy-to-read reading.
So, there you go, a much deservd re-review. Tada!
- MAuthor's Response: Lol, thanks, I'm really pleased that you think that my dialogue is good. Cissy and Jessy are meant to be like really really close, so it's hard to know exactly how they would talk to each other, because I don't really have someone I can relate to.
The Rhia/Ria thing does not mean anything, I assure you. I just wanted to have a name which sort of meshed with 'Ciara', and Rhiannon was the obvious choice :)
ODDITIES ARE MINE! They were a sort of spur of the moment thing, so yay if it came out okay! Thanks so much for two longer-than-usual reviews, I appreciate it so much! Report Review
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