Oooh! I love Teddy/Victoire! This looks cute and funny. I especially liked the bit where Victoire thinks she's being sneaky. Nice prologue. I can see this going places. :) PM me when the next chapter goes up.
LuckyAuthor's Response: Everyone seems to love Teddy/Victoire which is a good thing considering my story and all. I'm glad that it's coming off as cute and funny because that's how I'll try to make it as the story goes on.
Thank you so much for reviewing and you got it, I will most definitely pm when the next chapter is up!
Gracie! Report Review
So. You have a crazy story for me, hm? Lets read it!
Your opening paragraph: Very grabbing. I am immediately intrigued. It's vivid.
"Across the hall, standing by the fireplaces now burning with green flames, was a man in a mask and a hooded black cloak."
-Well, then. Is he hallucinating? Also, I love how descriptive you are. Nothing serious has happened (except for...you know murder in the forrest. heh. *whistles*), but I have this sense of tension from the way Harry's acting. I love it.
"But the man was gone. As though he’d never been at all"
-So he was hallucinating? This may be premature, but ten points for me!
"There was no other word for the night but silvery. Everything seemed coated in something invisible and ethereal, and the whole world was snug in its seeming security and pleasantness."
-It's so pretty! It somehow reminds me of how the narrator spoke in Fight Club. But prettier. It's like Harry can't let go and see that is *is* a wonderful world now. It's creepy!
"Panic, unnamed but no less feared, began to creep in."
-I love how we have to see everything through harry's eyes, so it's hard to tell what's real and what in the heck is going on. I love it. :)
"They had no way of hearing the voices in the trees as he did."
-Eurgh. This is so vivid and creepy. It reminds me of something, but I can't quite say what. Shiver.
"They had come back for him. He knew they would eventually."
-Schizophrenia? Yikes. I've been unable to pause to give my reactions about all of this stuff because I couldn't stop reading. My heart is beating really fast and I'm worried that Harry is going to snap and kill all of his friends. D: Must read more.
"Harry tried to remember how to smile back."
-Eeek! We need intervention. Right now.
Have you read The Yellow Wallpaper? Because the floor is starting to remind me of that. And it's creeping me out. lol.
"And the mirror he was facing cracked."
-I'm scared. And getting suicide vibes. eek.
The end: Oh my gosh. This is crazy. I'm just...wow.
So. In general, this was amazing. Seriously, just wow. I loved how Harry was just loony tunes and the way his friends acted, and how dang creepy it was.great job. I have nothing to complain about, except I really wish that Hermione, Ron and Ginny had stepped in more forcefully to get him help. He was clearly not right in the head. :(
Anyway, great work. I loved it. Always feel free to PM me the links to your stories.
Characterization: 8/10 (I just feel like Hermione especially would have done something drastic to help him.)
Overall: 10/10 Great writing.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing this for me! I LOVE crazy stories, both reading and writing them -- I'm not sure why, but there you have it. This is still one of my favorite one-shots on my page.
I'm glad you liked the descriptions, too! ♥ I love using descriptions no matter what, but here it felt right because I think in his state of mind, Harry's senses would have been particularly heightened. Every movement, every shape would have served to make him more and more paranoid. (I've never read Fight Club -- not a huge Palahniuk fan -- but maybe I'll have to try it now!)
I have read "The Yellow Wallpaper," and that was really the first maddening story I ever read, so there was definite inspiration from that. ;) I'm pleased you made the connection! I think his friends were a bit useless, too -- although he and Ginny had broken up, at this point in the story. But Ron and Hermione, absolutely.
This response was a bit rubbish, but please know that this review totally and completely made my day. ♥ I'm so, so glad you enjoyed it, and I hope to see you return before too long! Report Review
This. Is. Brilliant. I love it. Wonderful job. :)
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it!
~Leo Report Review
Hi there! I have a review for you!
Oh my. My oh my. The opening bit was great. You can't read that opening paragraph and not keep going. Nice hook.
"paranoia had already wrapped its chilly fingers about her throat"
-I love this. Seriously. This is so descriptive and creepy!
"But it wasn’t him – of course it wasn’t him. He was at the Ministry of Magic, right where she knew he would be. Lavender knew what time he arrived at work, what time he left at night."
-Okay.Lavender Brown, Stalker Extraordinaire. At first I really liked her. And I still do. But now she's creepy. lol. What is she doing?? Agh! I love it.
-So...she's creeping on Ron? Oh boy. I'm going to have to admit this now...I love stalker stories. What luck! There's another one about Pansy creeping on Draco and I pretty much fell in love. This one is falling into that same category of awesomeness. :D
Stay Classy, Knockturn Alley! What terrible people! All she did was stutter and they were like.'Oh! You want someone dead!'. I love this. How lucky did I get that you happened to send me this story? You probably think I'm demented now. :)
"each step felt like a detonation"
-I love these descriptions. :) I love how obvious it is that Lavender has just lost her marbles. :D
-The Encounter with Harry? I enjoyed it. And her creepy moment in front of Ron's door? I loved it even more. Honestly, I'm rooting for her, but I really don't want Ron to die at the hands of a psycho with a candle. lol. conflicting emotions!
-Well. She got him. :(
Okay. So i loved this. I love how insane Lavender is. And how the whole story is just a mental monologue of her craziness. Also, I really liked the way you showed the heights that the trio rose to, and how recognizable and famous they are, then you have Lavender, who I guess feels like she was sold short for not being in on the whole thing. Especially with her thoughts about not being recognized, and whether anyone would even ask about her. I mean.dang. This story is just immaculate and full of allegory and awesomeness. I also loved how you put the time in bold. It added this ominous element, though I don't know why. It was perfect. :D I have no CC. Sorry. lol.
Anyway, thanks for sending me the link! If you have any more stalker stories please do let me know. They are close to my heart. ;)
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review this for me! :) And it's awesome to hear that the first bit of this one-shot hooked you in, too. That's always something I'm looking to do, after all!
I really do like Lavender as a character, and strictly speaking, I don't think she'd go to all these creepy, stalking extremes in pursuit of a love lost in her school days. But I have to say, this was a LOT of fun to write! I've never read that one you mention about Pansy stalking Draco, but that sounds really interesting. I'll have to snoop around for that!
Her encounter with Harry is one of my favorite bits of this one-shot. :D I always like the parts that sort of... you want to scream at the characters, and want to point out how obvious of a mistake they're making, and it's almost physically painful when you CAN'T. You know? That's the vibe I was trying to achieve there. :P
I'm so glad, again, that you enjoyed this so much! I love writing crazy people, although I really don't know why. It just fascinates me so much to get into their heads and see how they tick. No apologies for the lack of CC necessary! :D Hoping to see you around again! ♥ Report Review
Hey! Thanks for supplying me with something AMAZING to review. :D This is.it's just really good.
Your opening line? It drew me right in. :)
"It roars and tears at the walls of the soul that confines it, aiming only to break free. Possibly even needing to break free and knowing nothing except that one drive. But the selfish soul contracts against the pain and keeps the fire hidden, suffocating the flames only to keep them safe. "
-Oh. My. Goodness. It's so...pretty! And descriptive! And Pretty!
The opening is so abstract and gorgeous...I just love it. The whole opening. The words are just beautiful!! Agh! I can't even contain myself right now. :)
" She fought against convention as long as she could. He doesn’t blame her finally for caving in. "
-Loving. It. Just.wow. That whole description...the way he saw Lily, how he was finally free. The way he holds on to these memories...and all the while it's so obviously Snape's head that we're in.
Wow. Just. Wow. :D
CC: So, gotta be honest, the ending confused me a bit. But it's entirely possible that I am just being a dunce. :) Honestly.that's all I have. I loved this story.
Back on to raving: I did love this. It's so pretty and angsty and original. My, oh my, this was just lovely. :) Thank you for sending me the link. how refreshing!
Characterization: Brilliant. It felt real.
Length: It said all that needed to be said. Nothing more. Quite succinct.
So.all in all.you rocked it. :) Have a great night!
10/10Author's Response: *squeal* Thank you so much - I, just, really I'm speechless!
You picked up on exactly the parts that I enjoyed writing most, especially the beginning, but also the section on social convention and how it broke apart their friendship. You know, I was so worried people would hate my story for the way I portrayed Lily (and the way I sort of put down her entire role in the HP series as a mother), and it's an incredible relief to see readers understand how I actually meant it!
As to the end, I'm still trying to fix it, so you are probably right for being confused by it. It's intended as a beyond-the-grave voice, while also hinting towards Snape having a bit of a split-personality situation. Lily talks from his mind directly to the reader, but it's not really her but, instead, Snape's last attempt at bringing her to life. It's pretty weird and I think I'll change it to just a normal narration, like in the beginning.
Gosh, ok, well thank you for the marvelous review! I'm still grinning like a crazy person :D
Hey! You left me a bunch of reviews, so I thought I'd return the favor. :)
I am a sucker for a good ol' sirius/oc, but this is so short! It started out with a definite first chapter vibe, but then you jumped in. I think that slowing it down a little and explaining the motives behind your characters actions would greatly improve this story. :) I do like how gutsy you made your character. I've kind have gotten sick of the Sirius/OC's full of fainting ninny-like girls. :) Anyway, great effort. I'd love to see more just to witness how you grow as a writer!
LuckyAuthor's Response: Don't worry. I have a surprise lined up for the readers. Nobody will expect it. Report Review
This is such an original story! I love your characters, your descriptions, and the way you worded things. And that ending? Oh. Snap. :) Great work! Keep it up. :) I feel like you she just make the info in your authors note into a prologue, that way the reader won't be playing catch up. :) Other than that, I don't have much else to say other than you rock my socks.
9/10 Report Review
Hello! Lucky from the forums here, with a shiny new review sandwich-with extra criticism sauce! :D Lets do this thing!
Title: 10/10 Short, sweet, and to the point.
Summary: 7/10 Hmmm. It sounds kinda sketchy. Some people might avoid it because they could assume that something skeezy may happen. We'll see once I read. ;)
Graphics: 6/10...Just my opinion. I'm not sure if it's on purpose, but it seems kinda stretched looking? I'm not sure. Feel free to roll your eyes. It's just my opinion.
Well, I think that there were some weird spacing issues and that you could certainly use a beta to solve those problems. :) Also, there is a minimal amount of description that makes it really difficult to tell where your characters are and what they are doing. One second, I think they are outside, yet the next, they are in the living room. Its hard for me to tell. I think that if you include description of the surroundings as well as dialogue and internal thoughts, you will fare better. Also, the characters seem very immature, here. I think that was your goal, but in my opinion, you took it too far. They are adults in the middle of a war, not preteens who just finished a sugar eating contest.
You had a sweet moment near the end with James and Lily. I think you should take the idea of him listening to her thoughts, and expand that more. It's an interesting idea and could use more fleshing out and attention than the rest of what you have here.
Thank you for requesting! Feel free to come back any time. :D
LuckyAuthor's Response: The title just came out from the story while I was writing it :D So all credit to the story ;) I know I'm not good at summaries. Have to redo that. thanks for pointing it out. I didn't make the banner so :)
The spacing issue! I know right. I've been trying to get that right and now I know what to do. :D AS soon as my edited story is updated I'll update this with all the corrections ;)
Sugar eating contest. Good one hehe. Yeah I know. I need to redo that as well. And the description. Usually I'm a very descriptive person and this was my first ever dialogue-mostly story. Didn't go that well did it? Alright back to old techniques :D
I'll request as soon as I'm done with all the editing. I'll add more descriptions like my usual self :D
Thank you for the helpful and constructive review Lucky.
*Hugs* Report Review
It's Lucky here with your review! :D
I must say, I'm pretty much bouncing up and down to read this because it's marauders. It's Sirius/OC. And those, m'dear, are my most favorite things!
Summary: 10/10 I've never been much for the one line summary, but you said something that actually worked. :D
Graphics: 10/10 You have chapter images too! You have so much more ambition than I do. lol. *I rhymed!*
"I stared back, trying to get her to recognize me, but also to memorize every single thing on her face so I could last for the next few months I was away from her."
-Oh, dear. :( This is quite sad. See, this is the way to open a story, by gum! What kind of uninterested lunatic could stop reading now? Not this lunatic. I'm also relieved that you aren't one of *those* Sirius/OC writers. You know.*whispers* The ones that suck. lol. You have a talent. Beautiful writing! *confetti falls on your head*
“It’s me, Maman, Sera,” I told her and prayed with everything I had in me that today was a good day. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with the disappointment now."
-Ouch. Stop tugging at my heartstrings, woman! :) *sniffle* Poor Sera.
“Always, darling, you don’t have to worry about me. I have your father for company,” she responded, picking up her knitting again. The stabbing in my heart returned at the thought of my dad, who had been dead for two years already."
-*sob*...Ahem. What I mean is...ouch. Don't they have a place for people like her? somewhere so she won't have to worry? This is terrible. I swear, if Sirius is rude to her, I will smack him silly. I don't care if I heart him, he's going down. *puts on smacking gloves*
...see what you did there? You made your character someone special. She wasn't just some random person who we were forced to learn about (ie; I have pink hair and silver eyes and I'm wearing this. *nasally imitation voice*) Your character is a little sweetheart and I want to know more about her! And there isn't another chapter yet?! *glomps*...I sense I should move on. ;)
"“She’ll be fine, my mum is here to watch after her while I’m away,” he reassured, wrapping his hand around my shoulders. “You don’t have to worry about a thing.”
-Oh, good. :) But this is heartbreaking. I can only imagine the things it has done to her emotionally. How long has she been the caretaker in this relationship? *tear* Do I sense Maman getting hurt/killed/kidnapped? I really hope not. It would make me sad. lol. Also, Benjamin=A Good Person.
"“Let’s go get your luggage,” Jonathan continued as he let go of my shoulder and *interlaced his fingers with mine*."
-How old is he? Should I be worried? Is he going to get in Sirius's way? Because that would be a conundrum. Yikes. lol. SCANDAL!
"But little did I know."
-Agh! You sneaky little ninja, with your cliff hangers! And I can't even read ahead?? I hereby command you to tell me when the next chapter is up! *tries to look commanding, giggles, and gives up*
Anyway...wow. I LOVE this. I want to read more. Anyhow, here we go.
The Ever Dreaded ConCrit: Do I have to? *pout* Okay.I'm going to have to COMB THIS STORY to find something I disliked. lol. *mumble* Alrighty: There is nothing I disliked. For cereal. I'm sorry. lol. i loved this chapter. I will try harder with your specific concerns, I suppose *she says in her princess voice*.
But really.good job. I really, really like this. I'm going to break the wall between reviewing and reading for pleasure here!
Grammar: 10/10 I noticed nothing bad, so take that for what it's worth (not much. ;))
Characterization: 10/10 they are OC's so you don't have to hide from the Cannon. And I loved everyone I've met so far. Even Maman, though she most made me sniffle.
Length: 10/10 BUT I WANT MORE! :D
Your concerns: In case you hadn't heard.this is darn amazing! Do I want to read more? YES! (I'm in danger of glomping again. Deep breath.) ;) Everyone seemed realistic and fantastic-like. English isn't your first language?? I never would have guessed. And kudos to you. Because If I tried to write something in Spanish...people would not be impressed. They'd understand, but they'd also laugh a lot. lol. I honestly didn't notice anything, except maybe you say 'she' too much in the opening paragraph. And that's all I got, for sure.
In Summary: You rock my socks. Amazing, wonderful, happy making socks. Thank you for requesting and making me a happy camper. Come back to my review thread any time and please tell me when you put up more pretty chapters!
P.S 10/10, If you hadn't figured that out. *squee*Author's Response: Oh wow! This is such a wonderful review! I want to frame it and hang it in my flat so I can just read it over and over again all the time!
Haha, I'm glad you liked all those things! And my graphics! atellam has done them to me and they are the most gorgeous things ever! (btw, she also writed marauders and Sirius/OC, you should check it out. She's as talented writer as she is a graphics maker (: )
Aww, thank you ^^ you're making me blush here with all your compliments! But also making me super nervous! I only hope my other chapters can live up to this one d:
Yes, there is a place for people like her, but there is a reason why she isn't in one. It will be revealed later d:
Hihi, I'm all giggly here because you like my story so much! And Sera! That's so awesome! OC's are always harder in that way, people don't connect to them as strongly as they do to canon characters, so I'm really happy you like her already!
A while - again it will be revealed later ^^
Haha, Jonathan is four years older d: and you probably guessed that I won't reveal a thing d:
Next chapter is in the queue! So you don't have to wait long! I'll let you know ^^
Aww, thank you so much! It honestly took me forever to respond to this review because I didn't know what to say! This is the most amazing review ever, seriously. I love every word of it ^^
Haha, I actually write a lot better in english than in my first language!
I'm so so happy that you liked it! Even though I love CC, it's even better to hear there was nothing to correct (x
Thank you! I will definitely be back to re-request! So keep a spot open for me in your review thread (; Report Review
*superflyingtacklepounce* Hey there! I am here to review you in return-and fulfill your request!
Title: 10/10 That was just an ace in the hole, because shenanigans is one of my favorite words. I approve.
Summary: 10/10 I haven't read your chapter yet, but it made me want to read it, and it matched the title.
Graphics: 10/10 Are pretty darn fancy. And you have chapter images, which is just further proof of how non lazy you are. Because I was always waaay too bum-ish to even go through all the requesting and whatnot. Anyway!
" However, it’s not the packing that makes me nervous; the packing actually puts me at ease. It’s what my parents will evidently discuss with me today that bother me."
-I heart your first paragraph. The whole thing pulls you in to his mood and the whole walking thing just accomplishes so much in the way of identifying with his character and other smart sounding stuff with apparent effortlessness. Go you!
". Watching the birds and insects fly by, the clouds move and change into shapes and sometimes, even a frog or grasshopper would join me on my little promenade. "
-Hey! Imagery! See, I was expecting this. lol. You are better at this than I am. For sure. 1. you used the word promenade, which just made me happy (shrug) 2. You don't tell people 'use imagery' unless you yourself do.and you kick butt at it. *confetti for you* Onward!
-Your writing makes me smirk a lot. It's amusing and I kinda giggle on James's behalf a lot. And I'm only a few paragraphs in. If I quoted everything I like.you'd be rereading your story. ;)
"Let’s just say his “walking up and down the road”, was playing minor pranks around the house."
-Heh. I smirk in your general direction!
" I think my father was famous or a hero or something like that when he was younger. Meh, it doesn’t really matter."
-Hah!...Hah! I love stuff like this. It reads so innocently, but it's there to make the reader snort and think 'Oh, honey. You have *no idea*'. Silly James.
"He had gained some weight since his “glory days”."
-*insert unreasonable pout about Harry being fat here* lol
-Albus is my favorite, just so you know. He won out with sheer snark. ;)
" But, Lily had covered her windows with a thick black fabric. I had to say something before I started to discuss Albus."
-I don't know if it's intentional, but I'm getting I ginormic goth vibe here. lol. Maybe I'm a lunatic.
"“In my honest, trustworthy, brotherly and wise opinion, you should just go for a walk with mum. You two can talk over what happened today with Albus and mum can figure out his punishment.” I exclaimed optimistically. "
Hah! Sneaky Sneaky!! I grinned when I read that.
"For some odd reason, her books were incredibly heavy and felt like they weighed a lot more than they were supposed to."
-Is he being a drama queen, or did I just notice Something Important? Inquiring minds are inquiring!
Ending: Aw, James. Good try. But you Failed. lol.
The Ever-Dreaded Concrit: I did like this chapter a lot, but my one problem was that the whole prank seemed put on to me. I think it just needs some work to be more believable. I truly enjoyed his mental process throughout, but the whole thing just had an artificial tinge to me. This is just An Opinion, though. So no worries. :)
Grammar: 10/10 I didn't notice anything. So take that for what it's worth. lol.
Length: 10/10 It seemed appropriate to me. Not too long or too short.
Flow: 7/10 Like I said, things seemed to be planned out at certain points, but made up to reach those points in a...rushed(lacking a better term) manner. It's a problem that I find in my own writing all the time, so I suppose I'm being a hypocrite. *shuffles feet*
Characterization: 8/10 All of the young characters seemed spot on immature, moody and appropriately mischievous. I suppose I have a small problem with the lack of disciplinarian behavior on Harry and Ginny's part. They seemed kind of like the parents on Charlie Brown to me, which is fine as long as thye stay that way. Again, this is just my opinion.
Overall: 9/10 I liked it and it seems to be a promising and interesting story. I enjoyed the imagery and the snark. There were moments of intuitiveness that made me smirk. Overall, this does need a little bit of work, but I do like it a lot. Thank you for writing this and displaying your lovely ability. Also, I really did enjoy the words that you used (Shenanigans, fiendishly, etc;). No matter my criticism, this seems to be a certain kind of story and everything that I have read so far remains true to your original premise. As long as you continue to do that, this will be a great story. Good job and thanks for requesting and being a steroid filled reviewing machine. ;) You rock my socks.
Have a Splendiferously Fantacular Day!
9/10Author's Response: Oh sweet Jesus this is one LONG review! You my friend, are a blessing sent down to make people bow down to your mightiness and blush furiously at your reviews.
Seriously though, I cannot believe how long this is. First of all, thank you thank you thank you so much! You are extremely sweet and this review just made me so happy! You have no idea how much I appreciate this. My gratitude cannot be expressed into words as well as I'd like it to be.
So I'm really glad you enjoyed this story! It was extremely fun to write this chapter and the humour that went into it was enjoyed by me so I'm so relieved to hear that you thought it was funny too. Humour is really hard to write so the fact that others can understand and appreciate it is great! It makes me feel more confident as an author :)
Oh yes, shenanigans is one of my favourite words too so I'm glad you like it. Haha, I wanted to use that in the title so badly but couldn't think of how to work it in so thankfully, that came up. Woo for random creative moments. LOL. You quoting all the stuff that you liked really made me smile. Like a huge grin on my face. I swear I still have that grin on my face.
You are some genius, some extremely talented creature because this grin is like permanently plastered on my face thanks to you. Haha yes, the imagery. I always think it's important so I try to use it as much as I can. I'm afraid I'm a hypocrite sometimes but I'm glad that the imagery thing isn't where my hypocrisy issues come into play!
Hm okay, I'll work on the flow and the characterization. James is of course the main character so I haven't had the time to properly develop the others. Hopefully, as the story goes on, I'll have time to do that and work on the flow too! :D Thank you so so much for the amazing review!
-Marissa Report Review
So…I was on my way over here to review (I was even timely!) But I was attacked by like…50 ninjas. So I had to fight them all off! It took days!…That’s my excuse for being so late. :D Anyway, welcome to your standard one-shot review sandwich, by LuckySeven!
Here we go!
Title: 10/10.…is this going to make me cry? Because I have a feeling that this is going to make me cry.
Summary: 7/10 I haven’t read the story yet, so maybe I’ll be more endeared to it afterwards, but it’s a bit repetitive for me. That is a MERE OPINION, though. Nothing to worry about. J
Graphics: 10/10 Pretty!
Comments As I Read:
“Because you will wake up.”
-Step one: Denial. Poor Molly. I want to hug her.
“You’ll grin at me and crack a joke; a stupid, childish, immature joke about this whole, ridiculous scenario and everything will be alright again.”
“Sweetie. Sweetie, open your eyes for mummy now. Open your eyes for mummy sweetie.”
-So, Molly’s mental monologue is reminding me of a scene in a book I read where the main character was going insane. I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for, but I like it. Plus, it makes sense. The poor woman has had a stressful life so far.
“dead people don’t smile, they don’t smile.”
-This line resonated with me. I don’t know why. It’s just…really interesting and I know it’s creepy, but I love it.
“Fred…my baby boy…just wake up!”
-Stupid Voldemort. You, know it’s odd, I always assumed that the twins would live, simply because they were twins! Fred’s death was horrible, almost as bad as Dobby’s in my book.
Random Musings of Varying Importance:
The Standard Issue ConCrit: It was a bit repetitive, and I wish that you’d put more…substance into it. I think that your goal was a simple look into Molly’s grief, but I wanted something…more. Does that make sense? If not, feel free to roll your eyes (again).
Grammar: 10/10 I didn’t notice anything….which honestly doesn’t mean much, since grammar and I are at war, but you can still have it! *confetti falls on your head*
Length: 7/10 It was a bit too long for the amount of content, but too short overall because I enjoy your writing style. I guess I’m just impossible to please. Feel free to roll your eyes. ;)
Flow: 8/10 As I said, it was a bit redundant in parts, but it’s hard to judge, because thoughts are often repetitive in scenarios like this. It’s a no win situation, really.
Originality: 10/10 I have never read a story like this…or any Molly POV that wasn‘t a romance. *confetti falls on your head*
Characterization: 10/10 The description of Fred, the comment about George, and Molly’s grief all followed cannon and seemed satisfyingly realistic. *more confetti*
My Opinion: 8/10 This kind of story is usually what I avoid, just because I tend to make a lot of smart alecky comments, and if I do it here, I feel like a jerk. J Despite this, it was an interesting peek into Molly’s head. Kudos! And confetti!
Overall: 8/10 Very interesting! I’d like to read some more of your writing, to see what else you can do.
*The lights go out and a janitor starts sweeping up mounds of confetti* Well…that’s all, dear! Thanks for requesting! In case you were concerned, I truly was interested in this piece and I enjoyed reading it, so never worry. Thanks for the insight on Molly!
Have a Splendiferously Fantacular Day!
P.S...600 words. Which is longer than the story. I'm...not sure how that happened. lol. :)Author's Response: Thankyou for leaving such a detailed and thoughtful review. I think we both know that I don't deserve it :( I'm, truly grateful that you didn't choose to ignore this story completely (you would have had every right to, believe me!) Just thankyou so so much - you really made me smile today :) Report Review
*NINJA STALKER POUNCE!* Did I scare you? Because I am afraid that this one-shot is going to scare me. Horror/Dark challenge. Yeesh. I have a feeling that I’m going to need some cocoa. And a hug. Possibly some therapy. Excuse me, I’m going to go to the bathroom and get a munchie before I attempt this. *tiptoes away*
Okay! One For a Challenge Review Sandwich with extra general feedback sauce coming up!
Title: 10/10 It’s an allusion! And Foreshadowing! And Scary! Whooo!
Summary: 10/10. Wow. I literally shivered (partly because I’m going through all of this so slowly and thinking about it way too hard. Lol.)Okay. So this is going to be about murder by said scorned woman. In second person. Holy Crow, I am excited to read this.
Graphics: 10/10 Are scary. The end. ;)
Comments (as I read): Oh. Did I mention that it’s very dark here? And I am alone? Gosh, this is already scary.
“HELL HATH NO FURY.”
-Yikes. I like that you put that there. It’s like a warning, or something. Anyway…
“You can feel the goose bumps on your skin, see the little hairs of the back of your hand standing up, feel a prickling on the back of your neck.”
-Gosh. So this is going to be from the victims POV? Ouch. And she’s pregnant. And alone. Slappings for Draco.
“Seeing that there’s nothing there, you expel the breath you just realized you were holding.”
-Suspense! Gosh, this is intense.
“the fingers of anxiety that trace your spine.”
-Ooooh. Beautiful words! You get a million bonus points. When I looked at this at first, I was worried that it would fall short of what was advertised. I was wrong. It has exceeded my expectations already. Amazing job so far.
“There is no moon tonight.”
-For some reason, that line struck me. It’s oddly foreboding for such an innocent statement.
“It’s during one of these moments when you’re not quite asleep but you’re also not really awake when you sense someone is watching you.”
-It’s moments like these that explain my love/hate relationship with horror movies. Gah!
“your back towards the window and that presence is behind you, standing at the edge of the bed.”
-This made me cringe. I’m going to have to stay up watching fluffily fluffy cartoons for a while before I can sleep.
“And find you are about to cast a spell at your own reflection in the glass of your window.”
-Gah! Dang it, I knew that was going to happen. Murderer, you are a ninja. *headdesk*
“You wake up to warm sunlight filtering through your eyelids and an almost-silent double knock on your door.”
-Oh, no. This is going to be a multiple night thing, isn’t it? I’m terrified and thrilled.
“There is no reply.”
-Yeesh! Are you going to attack in broad daylight, Murderer? Have you no shame? And, I am forcefully reminded of why all people in horror movies are dumb, even though your character hasn’t done anything extremely stupid. Yet.
“You don’t know what’s happening to you but you just know that you have to get out of the house,”
-Oh, no. Have you seen the Strangers? I am getting flashbacks. This is normally where I’d be funny and chastize Murderer (it’s her name, now) for breaking things…but I’m to freaked out. *Yipe*
“Your hand closes around the handle of the front door and you’re almost elated at the thought of freedom but as you pull, the door refuses to budge.”
-Murderer! How canny of you! (That was a feeble attempt at my normal wit. I am scawered). Yikes. I am having sympathy freak-outs over here!
“there is nothing and no one but you and your gasping breaths and the loud and innate reaction to run.”
-Eek! This is like Jaws, where the movie was made better because the shark was not always present when they originally wanted (due to mechanical problems). Murderer, you are scary.
“Your two loyal house elves are dead, their blood running green against the white tile.”
-*whimper* At seeing that this is half over, I am torn between terror and fascination toward how you are going to allow this to carry on that much longer. Must read more now!
“And you have no way out.”
-Argh! Askdjfhakwhjdf! I am scared. And vaguely incoherent!
“though it says your name with sweetness, there’s an edge of negativity to it, like the bitter bite of vinegar.”
-Good description. I can picture all of this so vividly. You rock. And you scare me.
-This is normally when I announce I KNEW IT!!…but I didn’t. I was too caught up to attempt to deduce this one. It probably wouldn’t have been the most difficult game of ‘Who Dunnit?’, though, so I forgive myself. ;)
““Merlin, how I hate you. Panting after Draco, stealing him away, impregnating yourself.”
-Hmmm. Entitlement issues, much? *ahem* Pansy=A few fruits short of a loop.
“You realize you’ve been staring at her in morbid fascination as she’s delivered her monologue and you remember that you left your bedroom window open a crack this morning and that maybe, just maybe, you could escape through it.”
From one Stalker to another: You were the best Creepy Stalker Ever…until you actually got screen time, then you were scary in more of a pathetic, ‘Oh, it‘s *you*, *You* Are Crazy!’ Kind of way. That doesn’t give you much street cred, dear.
P.S After reading further, you suck at life. A wounded wandless person just dropped you. Your street cred is in the toilet, madam.
-And the monologue? Awesome. All villains deserve a monologue.
Okay! This review is officially too long to fit withing the required word count. I shall send you the rest in a PM.
To Be Continued *dun dun dun*,
10/10Author's Response: Lucky!!! *holds trophy up* for LONGEST and LMAO-FUNNIEST review EVER! You are some crazy, caffeine-injected reviewer, you are!!!
Everything you wrote in this review (and your PM, which I unfortunately got to read through only ONE time due to site issues and time travel and a lack of a TARDIS to correct such errors *weeps*) was just what I needed--several times over in fact. I've been having a rough couple of weeks and I seriously just come back to this review and laugh my head off.
I am evilly happy that I scared the shitake mushrooms out of you!!! Mwahahahaha! At least that means that I created the effect I wanted to. *stands in dark lair and laughs madly while stroking a fluffy and fat kitty*
Yeah, once Pansy got some face time she turned into a crazy loop whereas prior to getting onscreen she was scary as the photo on my banner! I loved how you described how she lost her street cred--completely!
(I loved her monologue. All villains want and need a monologue, it's true.)
P.S. I'm going to get to your own review FYI so no wuckers there!
xChar Report Review
A Sirius/OC!?! Yummy! My favorite!
LuckySeven, here! One delightful review sandwich with extra crazy, coming up!
Before I start reading…
Titles: 9/10Charmed. I like it. It has one word wit! (I just rhymed!) In which:…oooh. I do love the ‘In which’ Chapter title format. Why? I have no idea. Who needs reasons? Not I! What bothers me is how the chapter title is not all capitalized. It should be; In Which Potty is Rejected. That’s an easy fix. I’m also confused about ‘Potty’, but maybe it’s relevant. I’ll get back to that after I’ve read. :D
Summaries: 10/10 I deeply appreciate when authors make the summary a scene from the story. It’s like when they hand out free cinnamon pretzel samples at the mall! It makes you hungry for more!…*ahem* I mean, it gives an idea of the way you write, and makes the reader want more. Because you’re just great that way!
Graphics: You don’t have any yet. (I understand. The story is new.) I am quite interested to see what they will be, if you get some.
My Comments, Done as I Read:
“I hunched low over my textbook, my nose almost touching the tiny print. I’d been rereading the same paragraph for five minutes now, and yet I was still unable to make any sense of it.”
-Yep. Been there, done that. I like the way that you start it off by making the character do something that makes her relatable to the reader. Well done. Onward!
“This was why I’d left the common room – for this blissful silence. This James Potter-less, Sirius Black-less environment, in other words.”
-This made me smirk. I heart those two.
““Evening, Thorpe,” Sirius said, without so much as glancing over his shoulder.”
-Feeling omniscient, today, eh? Gosh, it won’t matter what this character does, he will still be my favorite character (besides Dobby).
““You asked about your name,” he pointed out, a defiant sparkle in his eyes, “not your nickname.”
-That grin that Andy just talked about him making people have? I just had it. Nice.
““Right,” I replied awkwardly, looking back over my shoulder with a shadow of a smile.”
-Yes. I officially like your OC. *confetti*
““I don’t think I’m ready for this test,” Lily fretted helplessly over breakfast, “I didn’t have time to memorize half the definitions, and I don’t think I understand the theory of Aguamenti at all.”
-Channeling your inner Hermione, eh? ;) Lily, you are doomed to be characterized as a nerd, and for that I apologize. But it doesn’t stop me from enjoying it. Lol.
““Well, repeat that, will you? I’m going to write it on the sole of my shoe. It's an old Muggle trick.”
-This made me chuckle. It’s funny because it’s true.
““Not in my experience,” James Potter said, dropping into place beside Remus Lupin, who’d been eating in silence. I whimpered into my food.”
-Hehehe. I love the word whimpered.
-I’d like to point out that you’re characters are quite real-like. And funny. Congratulations!
“.“There’s a Hogsmeade weekend coming up, and you owe me a date.”
-I don’t need the chapter title to know that that one won’t work. Nice try, though, James.
“and gulped down a couple more mouthfuls of toast. It seemed we’d be leaving shortly.”
-I have to stop quoting stuff just because it’s funny, or I’ll exceed the max word count again. But…that was funny.
“the chances of me going out with you are lower than the chances of you saying ‘please’ when you ask.”
-Nice one! You rejected him AND told him why, making the whole thing an insult. Five points for Lily, for style.
“I will plant a false memory in the heads of everyone in this school so that you're known as 'Potty' for the rest of your days."
-And the use of the name Potty, is hereby accepted and excused, with a giggle.
““I was getting dangerously close to failing everything except Arithmancy,”
-You gave your character a short-coming. This means that you win!! You have slayed the Mary-Sue threat. (Not that I was worried). *confetti for you!*
-Your A/N: I hate intro chapters too. Thanks for jumping in. ;)
Well, I’ve exceeded the maximum word count again. Hehe. *grins sheepishly* So I’m going to PM the second half of this to you. J
To Be Continued!,
9/10Author's Response: I'm going to cover everything in my reply, but let me just say that you are a WONDERFUL person. Report Review
So! After *mumble* days, I have arrived with your review! Let’s get started with the standard chapter 1 package!
Summary: 7/10 ehhh. I hate to start out by being picky, but this is the first thing people see. First, I prefer Twenty-two, to 22, but that’s just a personal thing. Second, after reading a bit of the chapter, I know that you are capable of writing a better summary (Ouch. Not that this one isn’t good. I do like it, quite muchly. It drew my attention. A society of werewolves?!? And you used the word Nefarious!! That is one of my favorite words.) So, yes. I think that you could make this into more than one sentence, somehow. I won’t presume to tell you how to do it. However, as I said, the summary was grabby! It makes me want to read about this insanity!
Story title:10/10 Hey! You followed the ‘Character Name’ and the ‘Random Thing’, title format. Good for you!
Chapter title: This Is Who We Are. Oooh. Shall we begin understanding the nefariousness? *confetti for you*
Graphics: 10/10 I stared at that banner for several minutes. It’s pretty! Good job to *checks name and spelling* PheonixAlthor!
*glances up at already long review and grimaces* Okay! Now I can actually start reading the chapter! :D
My favorite parts (comments made as I read):
-More graphics! They are pretty. :D AND now I have a face to put to the name of Raven. Yum.
“The only thing I see is the red sunlight, dropping through the trees.”
-Yipes. This is a bloody piece of imagery. I like. Good job!
“Something isn’t right. Sunlight isn’t red. It doesn’t drip, either. I watch in horror as the *blood* trickles off the leaves around me.”
-HAH! How many points do I get for catching that? I swear, I didn’t cheat. *score*
“All the leaves have turned to mirrors.”
-Huh. Either she is caught up in some serious voodoo, or she’s dreaming. If I’m right again, I shall award myself five points.
“On the floor of the forest lies a man, whose white shirt is soaked with scarlet blood.”
-Oooh. What have we here? A love interest? A family member? A Random Person? Inquiring minds wish to know! You have poked my curiosity ;).
“Raven, you lazy cow, get up!”
-FIVE POINTS! *ahem* So, no voodoo. Yet. (mwahaha)
“We are not going to wait on your lazy ass to burn down a village!”
-Whoa! Torching a village? Down, girl! I am enjoying this immensely.
-Death Eaters, Fire-Eaters. Methinks that I have spotted a spot of symmetrical symmetry! Or I’ve been drinking too much chocolate milk. It’s hard to tell, some days.
“Admiring the view, Vanessa?” I smirk at her.”
-*Surreptuously checks for slash warning, wincing because she didn‘t see that one coming* Noope. Okay, good. My gaydar still works. Hopefully. ;)
“I was hoping you’d let me buy garments instead of throwing me into Azkaban?”
-I’ll take a leap here and guess that people who burn down villages have law troubles? Fire-Eaters? Arson!!
“Temple of the Night, which is a castle, head-quarters to a secret organization called the Fire-Eaters.”
-So, the temple of the night is where all of the arsonists live. Got it. Is the ‘night’ bit code for ‘DO NOT BURN DOWN!’?…Hehe. Kidding. I get carried away. Chocolate milk, you know.
“on the right hand of each man and woman is a mark, a black tattoo…sealing us together with darker magic and curses than your mind could possibly grasp.”
-Huhwhat? Okee, we have right hand vs. left hand, if my symmetry theory has any weight…but they aren’t opposites like I thought. These are naughty arsonists!
“I almost roll my eyes. Retribution, yeah right.”
-Hmmm. Shall I deduce that you are not happy with this whole Leader of the Naughty Arsonists Gig? My judgment is withheld until I find further evidence.
“I feel dizzy. That’s a lie! The world is made of good and evil. Only the wicked want you to believe that power is everything, but I must continue my speech.”
-For the record, that counts as evidence. :D Onward!
-Arsonist Matriarchal Society! I want one! Can I join??
“I rather detest the dark (ironic, I specialize in the Dark Arts!)”
-Our darling Raven reminds me quite deeply of the way I tend to characterize Sirius Black. AND her last name is Black…have I spotted Something Important? Hm.
“Females begin pushing their ways to the bars, their hands reaching out to grab our clothing.”
-You have prisoners too? Wow. This place has everything. Again, females, only?
-Note: Vanessa is a scawy lady.
“Fifty THOUSAND Galleons? Are they barking mad? I’d almost turn myself in for that money. Still, seeing my name on a notice board is rather depressing. I didn’t ask to be here.”
-Yes. This made me giggle. Aaand, more eivdence!
“The werewolf overwhelmed me, and I felt teeth sink into my shoulder.”
-Aaah. I knew we’d get there at some point. Now, it is a Matriarchal Society of Naughty Werewolf Arsonists. Yikes.
“I'm not sticking around with the Fire-Eaters to be a spy for some noble cause. I am only doing it for my own self-preservation, and I feel disgusted with myself.”
-Well, at least you’re straight about it. No sideways, mind-bending justification for you!
“He doesn’t love you. He could never love someone like you.”
-Is this our mysterious blue-eyed gentleman?
“A/N: Dun dun dun.”
-It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who does that stuff. Heh.
Okay. So This review is too long to fit. I shall PM the second half to you on the forums. Yikes.Author's Response: I'm giving you 50 points for nearly making me choke while I read this first half. I was beating on my leg like a retarded walrus while attempting to swallow my spit before I read your next thing. I ended up laughing so hard I was choking and coughing for several minutes.
I must now go read the rest and hope I don't die anytime soon tonight. Report Review
*ambles in, muching on Honeydukes*
Well, hello there! And welcome to your shiny new review, from me, to you!
…Wow. I just rhymed. Your chapter summary put me in that sort of mood, I suppose. Onward!
The Standard Chapter 1 Package:
Summary: 7/10. After reading your chapter, I know that you can make this even better, so I’ll be picky. It was a bit wordy, for me. But I know that this is new and subject to change.
Graphics: You don’t have any yet. But it’s new, so I know why. I can’t wait to see what kind of banner you get for this!
My favorite Parts:
The Summary. Go Poe!
“The flock of coal-colored birds took flight in a raucous cloud as the wrought-iron gates clanged open. As the small figure stole silently through the rain, the lights from the castle shined brightly across the lawn.”
-Very pretty. Good imagery and ominousnessliness. (Notice, I make up words for my own amusement)
“Elisaveta Dmitriyevna Vasileva”
-I hereby order you to give me a pronunciation guide for this name. It’s awesome. And I think it will be fun to say. ;)
“Having gained the door, she strode through and surveyed the room to find a suitable chair. She took a seat at the back of the class, sparing a haughty glance for the rest of the students in the room.”
-Feeling a bit snobby, today, are we, dear Eli? I like her. And you are slaying Mary-Sue. *confetti*
“Elisaveta ceased paying attention at this point. Professor Clamore already bored her.”
-Have we met our resident Binns? Or does she just have an attitude? We shall find out!
“Elisaveta forced her mind back to the lesson, even though she already knew everything Professor Clamore was saying.”
“the brightly colored little girl a smile and went to sit with her as she took in the bright green streaks in her hair, the many bracelets, and the rainbow-patterned socks….Valeriya Aleksandrovna Fedotova”
-This girl seems cool also. I am dying for some phonetic spelling on these names. :D Am I correct in my suspicion that you had fun gathering these names?
“Ekaterina, Alexei, Mikhail, and Klara.”
-You knew that was coming.
“Final Year Projects”
-This does not sound fun. It sounds like work. *runs and hides under a couch*
“He was looking at her again with those thoughtful eyes.”
-Yes, I would keep reading after that. If there was another chapter, that is.
And now, for the Usual Suspects:
The Ever Dreaded CC: “Did you see her?” “Who is she?” “She can’t be a first year, but I don’t recognize her.”
-Don’t take me too seriously here, because my grammar is college freshman, meets High school Senior. J But, I think that each of these little comments should have it’s own line. No biggie, but I caught it.
Also,…*scans story for something else to pick on* …Yeah. I’m not feeling very critical today. That’s all I’ve got.
Grammar: 9/10 I pointed out the only problem I saw…
Length: 10/10 Good for a first chapter. Not too short, not overwhelmingly long.
Plot: 10/10 I see this going places.
Characterization/Canon: 10/10 they are all OC’s except Viktor. So you can do whatever you want, anyway.
My opinion: 9/10 I like this a lot. It’s well written and full of mystery. Good for you!
Originality: 10/10 This is the very first Durmstrang fic that I’ve read! *confetti falls on your head*
“I really would love to know what you think of my OC. I know there isn't much to read, but how is she with consistency? Do you find her believeable? Also, do you like the direction I am taking the story?”
-I like her, for the most part. She seems rather snobby to me, but like I said, she needs a character flaw to keep her from being a Mary-Sue. I was a little confused by how she went from aloof, haughty stares to being freaked out about where to sit at lunch. Of course, she could be putting up a tough front, and the more I think about it, the more I assume that that’s what you were going for, so good! As long as you continue to exhibit her flaws and her strengths, she will stay believable. Just be careful, it’s hard to keep a balance with so many Original Characters in the mix.
The direction? I luurve it. I want to read more. When you put up the next chapter, try to snag another place in my thread. Just remind me that I’m on chapter 2. :D
So, that’s all. *glances up* Yeesh, that was long. I think I’ll go eat a cookie. I’m worth it. Great job, dear!
Have a Splendiferously Fantacular Day,
P.S This review was just over 800 words. LOL. I hope you have enough quiet time to read it all.Author's Response: *showers with endless Honeydukes and Wizard's Wheezes*
Thankyouthankyouthankyou so much! You are my new best friend! This is a fan-TAS-tic review!
I'm glad you liked the opening paragraph. It took me forever to get what I thought was the right mix of ominousliness (love the word) and strong language.
el-ees-uh-VET-uh di-MEET-ree-ave-nah vahs-eel-AVE-uh
^I did have fun picking her name, and the names of her friends. They are all authentic Russian/Bulgarian, and they even conform to their naming rules.
vahl-eh-REE-ya ah-leks-sahn-DROHV-nuh fed-oh-TOHV-uh
I'm hoping to make the Final Year projects a very, very annoying complication in the overall plot. So, they won't be super important but I think they should at least seem that way for a little while.
Ah YAY! I'm glad you would keep reading!
I'll take a look at the grammar thing. You're right, they should be separate paragraphs. So I will try to get them edited as soon as the queue opens again.
Thank you for your thoughts on Liza. I've never written an OC before, so I don't really know what I'm doing. I will keep these things in mind.
Thank you again for your wondrously whimsically delicious review!
wbm/pf Report Review
Salutations, and hello, my fellow Gryffie! It is I, Lucky, here with your review! You haven't gotten one of my reviews before, so I'll warn you, I comment on everything...and I have issues with brevity! ;)
Let's get started with the standard first chapter package, shall we?
Your summary: 10/10. It was spiffy! I liked the attitude.
Graphics: 10/10 They are quite pretty! (I also like the Gryffie sigs you've made, but *ahem*) So good job to you!
Title/Chapter Name: 10/10
My favorite parts (done as I read):
“Sandreiah Malfoy. It’s pronounced: San-Dray-Uh. Yes, I know, it’s a stupid and I hate it.”
-Gotta stop here. Her name is AWESOME. And unique. Bonus points for you. :D
-That’s fun to say! *says it about ten times*…anyway!
“I wouldn’t want to bore you with all the details of my sad-sob, sorry excuse of a social life.”
-Aw, shucks, Sandy. I know you’re lying already. Of course you want to! Go for it! ;) I like the attitude that she has…it’s like, fine, if I MUST tell you….(when we know that she wants to)
-…Okee. I am officially making a cool name section: Lysander, Lorcan, Roxandrea, Sandreiah,
“You see, Lysander and I have been seeing each other on-again and off-again ever since the start of our fourth year here.”
-Oooh. Things are getting juicy.
“Something like: "Oh no, this is going to be another one of those stories about some jealous, revenge seeking, teenage girl with a hormonal imbalance and insecurity issues. Blah, blah, blah…"
-Guilty. J But that’s okay, because I’m having so much fun reading this POV that I don’t care.
“We Slytherins may be more respected and less hated, now that the great war is over with and all, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are still proud, and most certainly are not the sort of people you want to mess with.
My name is Sandreiah Malfoy and I always have the last word… Don’t believe me? Well, just watch and listen.”
-Oh. Snap. Well, this looks good. And this last part catches you and doesn’t let you go. It’s fabulous.
The Ever Dreaded CC: Hmmm. *scans story* I guess I have to say that it’s a lot like an evil villain monologue (Mwahaha, anyone?). But…er…*looks around hastily* that’s kind of what I liked about it. ;) It may not be for everyone, but it was for me. So good job, and sorry that I couldn’t find anything else to pick on.
Grammar: 10/10. Delicious.
Length: 10/10. Beautiful, really. It wasn’t too long or too short. Score!
Flow: 10/10. It didn’t jump around, you told the story, you got the readers hooked. ;)
Originality: 10/10 I haven’t read a story like this, which is saying something. *confetti falls on your head*
First Chapter-ness: 10/10. It was a first chapter. And it was a good one! You did it well, dear.
Cannon: 10/10. Yeah…I honestly don’t care about how next gen meets cannon. Roll with it, baby! And roll with it you did.
*Looks Up* Well. That was long winded. I hope that my stream-of-consciousness style chatter didn’t put you to sleep. :D This chapter was fun to read and as a reader, I wanted to read the next chapter. That says it all. Great job, cool names, and interesting plot. Please feel snuggled and welcome to return to my review thread for chapter 2. Just remind me which chapter I’m supposed to be reading.
Hugs and Bubbles!,
10/10 Report Review
Dude. You are an amazing writer. I am officially very addicted to this story. Thanks!!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
And really? You're addicted after only 2 chapters? I am flattered. I did have some people getting addicted in the 20s or thereabouts but this is very early so I thank you for that. I'm just glad that people out there are enjoying my story. :)
cheers, Mel Report Review
Hello! It's Lucky, here with your review. :)
My Favorite Parts:
''My wife knows she’s not her child, I know she’s not hers either. She belongs to a woman who means so much more to me than that.''
-Oh, my. The plot thickens!
“Why was he told to hate her? Are we not supposed to hate, daddy?”
-It's rather brilliant of you to use the innocence of a child to get your points across. good job.
''She was incredibly beautiful, and I saw it much before Draco had. I saw it much before fourth year Yule Ball, where flames of jealously licked my veins as she danced with Krum. Flames licked my veins when, in fifth year she wrote letters to him, smiling to herself quietly as she headed down the halls. I could never tell her that I wanted her, because she hardly knew me. She didn’t notice me, until Draco saw her. ''
-Oh, dear. What happened to Hermione?? *sniffles* anyway, this bit here that I quoted is really well written. 'flames of jealousy licking' things are very awesome. lol.
Ending: Cliffhangerness! :)
The Ever-Dreaded CC: I am not a fan of hermione/anyone, so it's hard for me to be objective, but i do think that you did a good job of pulling me in. I actually enjoyed this a lot. :) The only problem that I could see was that Evelyn was a little bit too mature for a six year old. Other than that, I don't really have anything to nitpick. Good job!
How the plot flows: 10/10 Very well, I actually got a sense that you were doing some foreshadowing (At least I think I did) and it was all very flowy and nice.
Originality of the Characters: 10/10 Theodore Nott is quite interestingly portrayed-actually this may be one of the first stories I've read with him as a main character. Evelyn is adorable-if a bit too mature-and I can't wait to learn more about Lydia.
Cannon-ness: 10/10 I think that so far, everything is going along with cannon very well. I don't really think that you have to worry about how you portray Theodore-because I don't even remember if he says one or two words in the entire series (feel free to correct me on that)-and your OC's obviously don't have to befreind the cannon. :) Great work.
Grammar: 9.5/10 I noticed a few little mistakes-nothing I have the inclination to point out specifically-they don't interfere with the writing at all, so don't worry yourself about it.
Originality: 10/10 I haven't ever read anything like this (either by choice or by request) So Kudos to you! :D
Your writing is very decriptive and pretty and angsty and I lurve it. :D Marvelous job. Thanks for the request and feel free to drop by again.
9/10 (because I'm always ooober picky with the first chapter :D)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and i'm glad you liked reading this, even though its just a tad different! It means alot for you to review and take the time to write a very very detailed review! I'm just sad i can't think of anything to say that is as detailed back! :) Report Review
*rolls in wearing purple ninja outfit* Tag! you're it.
Note: I don't think you've ever gotten one of my reviews before-so just bear with me. I'm insane, erratic, (more than)occasionally of topic and I write the review as I read. You have been warned. Muahahaha.
My favourite Parts and other random musings::
"He stared at the family, willing them to break their silence, to show the signs of life he’d become so accustomed to. The smile on her face was heartbreaking and loving, as she gazed down upon him, looking with unseeing eyes."
-Okay! Guessing here. something along the lines of Sirius in Godrics Hollow before he goes to prison? Or after? Am I close? Am I completely in the dark with my silly musings? Lets find out.
-Ah! I see. I was right. *victory dance*
"this soft caress had brought him back to those times. When the edges of the petals trailed across his eyelashes, he snapped his eyes open, not realizing he’d stopped long enough to savor and imagine a better time."
-Very good writing skills displayed here! I just loev the way you wrote this bit. Am I sensing Sirius/Lily? (and no, I never check the ship before I read because it makes me biased and whatnot.)
"He’d let so much of himself go, trying to survive inside his own personal hell. He’d even lost his name at one point, or even the knowledge of a name at all. But the images that had tortured him began now to change him. The tears froze to his cheeks, their trails of dirt left twisted down the once handsome face."
-Wow. Wow! You deserve a merit badge for the awesome ness of this writing. Seriously.
"Peter had escaped him once, but no longer. He would have his revenge. Peter would pay for Sirius’s greatest loss. James had lost his life, and now Peter would repay the debt he owed."
-this is a one-shot isn't it. That kind of depresses me. I want more of the wonderfulness. If this isn't a one-shot please poke me. hehe.
Okay! Time for the ever-dreaded CC: Overall the flow was really great, but at the begining it was a bit choppy. Just try and vary up the sentences a tad and it'll be fine. Also, the paragraphs were a little too long for my taste. If you feel the inclination, I think it would make the story more readable if you divvied those up a smidge. :)
Other than that it was great! (and just so you know, I like to pick at the first chapter of stories because they're the cover of the book and I like to help peoples covers to be all shiny and over-awesomeized. So don't worry over anything I said.)
I really liked this because it's the first 'Sirius visits the graves' story that has actually been convincing. And despite my insanity, I'm not very easy to impress. Trust me. ;)
Characterization was right on the dot. You rocked it. So be proud!
So, that's all for the moment.
8.5(except there are no decimals so 9)/10!Author's Response: Oh yay!!! Haha, I love the randomness! I had to read the review through twice, once to get it over all, then another time to get my thoughts in order so I could thank you properly for all of your help and kind words! Thank you for the pointers about the sentence length at the beginning. It was actually intentional, to bring a sense of the overwhelming situation Sirius has found himself in. Perhaps it was a bit too abstract for this piece though :) I am a sucker for archetypal sentences and themes (Have you ever read The Awakening by Kate Chopin? She inspired me a bit here. Her hidden meaning and structure around the number 28 are one of the reasons her book is a classic. :) Read it if you haven't, her book is a personal favorite of mine!)
I am touched that you found my writing to be spot on!!! I am a stickler for canon, and it pleases me to no end that you found it be so accurate!!! I am a proud mama when it comes to my writing, and even more so because of your kind words! Thanks so much for the review!
~navy Report Review
Hello fellow Gryffie!!
My favourite parts:
"“Sleep Molly, just sleep.” Arthur murmured, his hand gently stroking the beautiful red and grey hair of his beloved wife. Her face, haggard and grief-stricken smoothed out and her breathing deepened."
-See, this is awesome because it makes it just about impossible to stop reading. Any person who is curious enough to be functional is giong to have to know what is going on here.
"The castle was utterly silent, not even a breath of wind stirred the air. Rubble littered the hallways with walls, paintings and suits of armour lying broken on the floors."
-Aw. It's after the final battle huh? Fred!!! *sniffle*
"His body felt like it had been bashed into submission by a rampaging herd of elephants."
-Very vivid and original description. Kudos!
"Letting his gaze drop to Fred, Arthur felt the monster within him squeeze his heart until he thought it would burst with pain. His son, only dead by hours, was laughing with his twin, maybe having made a joke about a school mate. The others were all watching on with bemused looks, as if entertained but not quite sure what was going on."
-You are going to make me cry darn it! lol. This writing is amazing. Amazing!
"His insides were warring with each other, one half trying desperately to escape the mirror’s influence and the other fighting just as hard to stay and bask in the perfect picture on the reflected surface. Torn between right and wrong, grief and joy, darkness and light, Arthur screamed, his voice harsh and piercing."
-Wow. Just...wow. You are an amazingly skilled writer.
"Turning their backs on the frame they walked out of the room, glass shards crunching underfoot."
Okay, this is usually the part where I find something to pick at then ramble about how to fix it...but I have nothing. Sorry. You're just so awesome that my pessimism can't touch your writing. Unfortunate, isn't it? :P
The descriptions, the emotions, the characterizations, length, grammar, everything...FLAWLESS! It's hard to describe how wonderful this one-shot is.
And on top of it I've never read a story even remotely like this (and I've seen it all) so kudos to you again for thinking up something original (even if it was for a challenge!)
So thanks for the great read!
10/10Author's Response: Wow, what a review! Very high praise, thank you very VERY much! I am so pleased that you enjoyed it so much. I am particularly pleased that you liked the characterisations and descriptions because I spent a LONG time on them lol.
Thanks again! Report Review
Hello! Sorry for the long wait! Here's your shiny new review!!
"I groaned, rolling over in bed. No, I was not getting up, nor was I planning on doing so for some time, and if Gran expected me to behave any differently then she obviously didn’t know me very well.
“It’s half past nine!” Gran shouted, as though this somehow made a difference."
-Funny! This is my attitude about sleep too, so I liked it. :P
"In my opinion, forcing people out of their beds at such an obscene hour of the day was close to blasphemous, frankly. "
-This made me giggle.
"Teddy, 1: Reverend Green, 0."
"“Ted, there is nothing cool about braces.”
“Oh, there is. They’re so adorably Muggle.” "
-Again, funny. I hope you were aiming for humour here, because it's what I'm finding. :)
"I saw no reason to share this with Alex, however, as he was only bound to blame himself. He was cute that way. "
-hehe. I really love your writing style! It's...snarky!
"I sighed, knowing it was no good. As I could see it, there was only one option: I would have to run"
-I hate it when stuff like that happens to me. *sighs* But I enjoy it when it happens to other people!
The Usual Suspects:
Characterization: 10/10 I ilke all of your characters. They're fun and interesting!
my opinion: This is a great story and I can't wait to read more. Please come back to my review thread for the next chapter. Hopefully I'll speed things up, eh? :)
I normally don't read slash unless it's requested, but you've definitely made me rethink my opinions.
So, great job! Thanks for requesting!
10/10Author's Response: Hi LuckySeven! And don't worry about the wait, I'm worryingly behind on my own reviews...
I'm glad you liked all those quotes because I have to say they were some of my favourites as well, and thanks so much for all those 10/10's! I can't take credit for the grammar, though, (unfortunately), which is all down to my fabulous beta xD
I've made you rethink? Oh, wow, that's so flattering! Thank you, and thanks for the great review as well! :) Report Review
Why hello there! It is I, LuckySeven, here with your review! *cuts dork speak* Ok, so lets get started!
My favourite parts:
"On the roof of one of these rope factories were two figures, each flat on their stomachs, peering over the edge of the roof into the alley below."
-I love stories like this. How can you not *love* a good stakeout?
"“Wait, you knew I was watching you two? And you didn’t do anything? What the hell?” Jack cried softly in disbelief.
“Well, it was more fun to have you stay up in that cramped crow’s nest for hours. I wasn’t really that interested in Jessie, I just wanted to screw with you.”"
-This made me giggle. Anyway!
"“So you bought some meth and experimented on it with magic potions?” Jack asked, finally breaking down. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, what would your mother say?”
“I guess that’s one of the advantages of living on your own. You can just brew up a batch of crack in your cauldron whenever the mood strikes you.”
-The witty banter here is cracking me up. I love it!
"After a few hours, Jack began to doze off. Phil had to kick him to keep him from dropping off completely."
-He kicked him? how mean! *laughs* This is great.
"Who bothers to repair a crack in the edge of a rooftop anyway? It’s never the big obvious problems that catch people, but the small, insignificant ones that knock the feet out from under you."
-Very well said. I think this was my favourite part of the whole chapter.
"They were surrounded."
-Oh. Snap. So much for being sneaky. ;) This is an awesome chapter ending!
The Usual Suspects:
Length: 8/10 this was a little too long for my liking. A good first chapter (in my humble opinion) should really be a hook. A glorified prologue. not too long and not too short. Becuase some readers will get overwhelemed. This shouldn't be too much of a problem, because the story is interesting. :)
Grammar: 10/10 very nice. I noticed no issues in the grammar department.
My opinion: this story looks original, god for you! *confetti falls on your head* I've never erad a plot like this before, (which is definetly saying something)
Your Personal Concerns:
Gary Stu worries: I don't think that Gary-Stu has reared his ugly head. So don't worry! :) Your characters are funny and intelligent, but they definetly have charater flaws (which only makes them more loveable, because perfect people make the world go flat). Keep up the good work.
Plot:I've only read the first chapter, so I can't really say if the plot is perfect, but so far it seems to be going places. ;)
dialogue: 10/10 Very witty. It left little or nothing to be desired. I loved it. There was a good balance between humour and seriousness.
and story flow: I think it flowed nicely! everything fit together very well. :)
The Ever-Dreaded CC:
In my humble opinion, I think that you should shorten the first paragraph of this story. The second paragraph is gold, but you'll lose a lot of readers with what you have now. Try to make it more interesting. Grab the reader and don't let them go until you're done! :)
Overall: This looks like an original and interesting piece of writing. Keep up the good work!
Have a splendiferously fantacular day!,
9/10 (and sorry for leaving you with a novel. I guess I can't really talk about Length, can I? ;) )Author's Response: Actually, I prefer the longer reviews. I\\\'ll take another look at the first paragraph and see if I can afford any trimming.
Thanks, and I hope you;ll review again. Report Review
I have arrived! Didn't you miss me? ;) You'll be proud to hear that this is my first Teddy/Dominique. Get excited! *confetti falls on your head*
My favorite parts:
"slightly AU due to the fact Teddy inherited his lycanthropy and Metamorphmagus powers can now heal cuts. "
-Yes. I liked the warning label. ;) who wouldn't like a little special abilities to spice up a story? I'm oober happy to be reading this.
"You’re running – but you can’t find him. You’re running – but you know he doesn’t want to be found."
-AAAaaand, I'm hooked. you've got skill pal. Nobody with any amount of sanity could stop beyond this point. The first paragraph has the same effects come to think of it. :)
"She didn’t know you were in love with her boyfriend, Teddy Lupin."
-Oh snap. I love the way you write. AND it's in second person (It is 2nd, correct?) I have never read a (good) story in this POV. You get ten million bonus points.
"Your movements are hasty and frantic as you scan the area, deciding on your next move. Fear and adrenaline thrum through you as your thoughts whirl and twist inside your head; death, pain and heartbreak, all playing their part.
But you soon realize there is no next move. He’s already there.
He’s lying, curled up at the edge of the clearing, tail wrapped around himself. His fur-covered eyes are closed and his huge body is covered in scratches, leaving patches of his thick grey fur clotted with a dark mix of blood, mud and leaves. His ribs expand and fall as he takes long, deep breaths, whimpering in pain with each desperate gulp of air."
-I swear I'm not weird! I just wanted to inform you that you are awesome. I tried to write a werewolf scene before and I gave up. *second batch of confetti fall son your head*
"But all the grace in the world couldn’t have prepared you for the loud crack! that seems to thunder through the forest as your foot crunches down on a stray stick."
-I was so into this that I actually jumped at the word 'crack'. Wow. Just...wow.
"This is you – the real Veela inside, disguised by the stunning beauty of flawless skin and luxurious silver blonde hair. Your sustained anger thrums through you, fuelling the fire in your hands and you flutter your thick, scaly wings experimentally."
-I am beyond impressed right now. Was it hard to write this? You make it seem so easy!
"And then he presses his lips against yours and you forget your monster because no true monster could ever feel like this."
"I had to have horror, Dominique/Teddy, 2nd person and feature Harry Potter and the OC Skylar Parkinson somewhere in the story. Oh, and I was given the summary."
-wow. Thats why it was in 2nd. Thats a *hard* challenge. If you don't win it's a crime. ;)
The Usual Suspects:
Grammar: 10/10 (I never have anything to pick on when PenguinsWillReignSupreme betas)
Flow: 10/10 of course!
Length: Perfect. I'm still in shock that you got all those requirements into such a short story.
My opinion, or course: 10/10! Are you kidding me? I can't decide if I like this or your Rose/Scorpius better! Amazing. Epic. Wonderous.
Your Personal Concerns:
-Well, as I've said, this is my first Dominique/Teddy story, so I'll do my best.
Characterization: 10/10 I have no complaints! Victoire acted more like Fleur here, and I appreciated it.
The Ever-Dreaded CC:
...eh. *frantically combs story*...erm.yeah, I've got nothing. Sorry. I tried!
Overall: You did a really great job with this. I am so impressed right now! You are definitely living up to what I've come to expect of your writing! Please come back to my thread and give me some more yummy stories to read!
Have a Splendiferously Fantacular Day,
P.S -Since I know that you'll respond to this review, how do you like my new layout? (you know the- The usual Suspects, My favorite parts, The ever-dreaded CC, overall) Is it better than the way I did it before?Author's Response: *dies*
I love your reviews! They\\\'re so detailed and flattering :D And yes, I love the new layout! It\\\'s very easy to read and it just awesome generally. I\\\'m sure it\\\'s easier to write in, yes?
Anyway, I\\\'m so glad you liked it! Thank you so much for the insane compliments, I seriously am grinning like no tomorrow :D To answer your question about the difficulty of the challenge, that\\\'s actually a suprising answer: as hard as it may look (when I saw the challenge I was like, omfg what am I going to do?), one I got writing, I actually really enjoyed it. It flowed really easily when I was writing. I was mainly worried about over dramatizing my characters - I\\\'m forever terrified someone is going to be like, \\\"Dominique is whiny! I hate her!\\\"...But it hasn\\\'t happened yet, lol.
Anyway, veering way off topic; again, thank you so much for the wonderful compliments! The only way I can possibly express my gratitude is through song and dance, but seeing as you can\\\'t see me (and you\\\'d probably cringe at my singing and dancing), I think words will have to do :)
So thank you! I love you and your wonderfully, spectacular, splendid review! You\\\'re so kind :) I will definitely come and re-request, you\\\'re just too flattering not to :P Thanks again! Report Review
I have arrived! Sorry for the wait. ;)
My favourite parts:
"Lily Potter had been living in Godric’s Hollow for just over a year, and ever since she arrived she had found herself both physically and mentally exhausted."
-Very good opening lines. I've found that (especially in one shots) that the first paragraph pretty much decides if anyone is going to read your piece. Great job!
"That was what Lily hated the most about being hidden away from her friends and from all that was familiar and felt like home to her"
-I never really considered how Lily would feel about being taken away from everything to hide! Good job for giving me a brainblast! *confetti falls on your head*
"Every time Dumbledore said no James broke a little more, and it made Lily’s heart ache. "
-You get bonus points for good characterization and marvellous description here and in the paragraph below. ;)
"It was in that moment that Lily Potter realised that she was going to die. That sooner or later, she didn’t quite know when, fear would find her and that, possibly in that very room, she and her family were going to meet their end."
-Wow! Love it. I can't really explain why, but this bit was like the icing on the cookie! ;)
"“I need you to tell me everything’s going to be alright,” she said desperately through her tears. “I need you to tell me that nothing’s going to happen to us. I need you to tell me that I shouldn’t be scared. I need you to.”
-...just wow. Perfect. Amazing. Heart-wrenching! I need better words!
"“This is the end,” he said after a long while, and Lily’s heart skipped a beat. Had James, too, sensed that their lives were coming to an end and that time was rapidly passing them by?"
-Again. Just...wow. This is very impressive! I almost started crying here.
"No more moping around, no more silence, no more fear. Because if we continue to live like this, he’s won. And we have to win. ”
-More bonus points for good characterization. I am stunned. Flabbergasted!
"In that moment, she knew that love would conquer everything. "
-The perfect ending. :)
The Usual Suspects:
Grammar: 10/10. I didn't notice any problems.
Characterization: 10/10 Perfect. Lily and James are behaving just as JKR intended them to. Kudos to you!
Length: 10/10 The perfect length for the avvid reviewer and reader.
Flow: 10/10 (but more on that later)
The Ever-Dreaded CC:
Well, I make it a point to always find something to critique (well I try,at least). Just don't overthink this, because I scavanged for something to pick on.
Your summary makes it seem like it *might* be one of those stories where Lily sneaks off and cheats on James. But once I read it, that notion died pretty quick. Like I said, don't over think it. I had to pick on something. ;)
Your Personal concerns:
"The flow, mainly. Do I jump from one part of the story to the other too quickly? Do I need more depth?"
-Not at all! The transition was very smooth! I wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn't been searching it out for you. ;)
I think that it's plenty deep. You went into detail and explained everything very well and kept it insanely interesting at the same time. Great work!
Overall: This is an excellent piece of writing. It's easily the best one-shot I've read about Lily and James in Godrics Hollow (which is saying something.) You should be very proud of yourself!!
So, to wrap this up, I'd like to ask you to pretty please come back to my thread with another one of your stories! Thanks for giving me something good to read! I seem to be having very good luck with that lately!
Have a Splendiferously Fantacular Day!,
10/10 (of course!)Author's Response: Wow, thank you SO much! This review has completely made my week :D
Thanks for picking out your favourite parts; I really love it when people do that because I find it helps me when I next come to write and helps to better my writing style :)
I, too, hadn\\\'t ever really thought about how Lily would have reacted to this situation either until I started writing this.
I\\\'m very glad you liked the ending line, as I wasn\\\'t too sure of it myself (:
Thank you very much for your compliments on my characterisation! I wasn\\\'t sure whether I\\\'d characterised Lily a little off, but I\\\'m glad you seem to disagree :D
And thank you for commenting on my personal concerns. There are so many reviewers that tend not to do that.
Ahh, the summary. I was stumped when I was trying to write something, so I just ended up copying and pasting from the one-shot. Though you said it wasn\\\'t really to worry about, I\\\'ll go back and look at it anyway :P
Again, thank you very very much! Your review has been fabulous :) Don\\\'t worry, I\\\'m sure you\\\'ll definitley see me back in your review thread! :D Report Review
I'm back! I had to re-read a bit to remember exactly whats going on. I'm excited here!
"Even rarer, these abilities developed so quickly he can intern at Hogwarts, pair that with a possible extreme powers of persuasion. How rare is that?”"
-The plot thickens! *dramatic theme song starts* I'm getting kinda hyper about this!
"“She rarely gets insights from rumors. That familial line has the gift of extreme perspicacity; well the women have it far stronger than the men."
-Ahhh! *realizes that she is turning fangirl*...I mean...er...yeah.
“Someone might have slipped her a paranoia potion in her food to keep her from analyzing her situation. But a very mild one since she has to continually ingest it for it to work,”"
-The plot thickens...again! I'm loving this!
"“Thank you, sir.” Harry now had a new respect for Draco’s politicking since he had to know how to approach hundreds of people."
-I may or my not have quoted that just because you said the word 'politicking'...
"Indeed, Hermione had wrapped the powerful Malfoy wizard around her wand. "
-The whole explanation before this bit is included! Very intrigueish and scandal filled! Hermione is so smart!!
"For this matter, ignorance was blissfully legal."
Wow! great chapter! I love all the political intrigue you've incorporated into this. And you managed to be sly on top of it! Great work!
Grammar: 10/10 I noticed nothing negative! And you taught me a fun new word. Politicking!
Flow: 9/10 There was a leeetle too much dialogue. But I definitely think that it was kind of necessary for all the stuff you had to cover. And it was fixed by Harry's ponderings. :)
Characterization: 10/10 I think that you've managed to portray all the characters properly, yet you've thrown your wicked sense of humour in too! Amazing.
Length: 8/10. The chapter length was great, but I think that you should divvy up your paragraphs a bit. They're getting a little longish. When stories have long paragraphs, people speed read. When people speed read, the miss stuff! And you don't want people missing all the stuff you cram in here! :)
Overall: Great job. This story is original, fun and full of my favourite type of espionage/spyliness. Awesome.
Please return for chapter six and have a nice day!
10/10 (as usual.) :)Author's Response: Thank you so much. I\\\'m glad you\\\'re liking the humor in this. Lucius referred to some things in Mon Ange where he was exonerated. The cousin was actually in worthy and displaying all those qualities. Hermione so has the Malfoys wrapped around her finger esp Lucius. The picture is from Nusquam if you care to read a mystery. I will ber sure to request. You made my day. I certainly appreciate it. Your suggestions are great for my revision. Report Review
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