Reading Reviews From Member: Love Made Visible
  
79 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Love Made VisibleDamned: Damned

17th August 2010:
Hello darling, I feel quite special in the knowing you dedicated this to me :)

I loved it very much! This is the first Sirius/Lily fic I've read and you've made me a convert, it's so forbidden that you just have to love it! Oh honestly, I loved everything about it. The plot, the song, the descriptions (which were fabulous by the way), and my heart gave a little squee when I read the quote. It fit perfectly.


Well done babe, and thank you for doing my challenges, even though I know half the time you feel obliged to because you're my mate! Such a good story, you keep churning out these amazing stories, I think when you make a challenge thread I'm going to have to attempt to challenge your greatness at story writing!

This review is pretty crap really, considering that you've just done this for me!

Love it. 10/10

Author's Response: Aw well you gave me an excuse to use a song I've wanted to use for ages and couldn't think how. So thank you for that (we know Bon Jovi rule haha!)

I haven't read that many Sirilys (I love that haha) but it is deliciously forbidden... especially with the dark, dangerous, self destructive side that we all know is lurking in the Sirius we know and love. And I always think once you have an idea its just a question of moulding it round the lyrics, which are a kind of guideline. And that quote was wicked, couldn't think of a more perfect pairing to use for it.

And your challenges are wicked anyway- both the ones I entered made me write stuff I wouldn't necessarily have written so I owe you one for that hun :) And I'm sure you can do way better than me- I've read some of your stuff!

And that was a lovely review. Made my day.

Thank you darling- love you lots x



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Review #2, by Love Made VisibleDeepest Star of Night: Chapter Two

3rd August 2009:
I don't quite know what to make of this chapter - I get the feeling it was just a linking chapter from the first one to the third. If so then that's fine, of course every story needs such a chapter but if not then I don't think it really holds its own... there seems to be something 'missing' from it.

What I'm trying to say is, although this is a good story and you're a promising writer, I can't help but feel that you've got a lot more to give. It's obvious from the introductory chapter that as a writer you've got hordes of potential but you're not quite delivering the goods. You could take your writing a lot further, ultimately holding the reader's attention a while longer and making the story an all-round improvement. You've got a lot to say - I can tell this - but you're just not saying it right now. Hopefully later chapters will cancel this out.

I did enjoy this chapter, it was light-hearted and complimentary, showed a little more of your characters and their complexities... I enjoyed it. Severus getting his own back was a guilty pleasure for me, it's something I enjoy reading about. Rather than the Marauder's torturing Snape into eternity throughout his whole schooling life I like to think that he gives as much as he gets. Adds a lot more dimension to his younger character rather than just him being a misunderstood, spineless know-it-all. The Marauders always did need their just deserts.

Your dialogue was strong too. It could have been stronger by linking it with a wider range of vocabulary but overall I thought it was very chatty and conversational and flowed from character to character with ease. The pace too was nice.

Back to Severus: I don't quite find it believable that he wouldn't retort to Cate's comment... just don't think it's in his character. Slightly too OOC for my liking. At times I also thought that Sirius's character was cliche'd, displaying the typical stereotypical ladies-man type persona. Maybe he will redeem himself though, I'm hoping so.

Promising second chapter. Good luck with this.

LMV
6/10

Author's Response: Yes, this chapter was more of to get the school year rolling and start the main interactions with all the main characters. I will take a look at Severus in this chapter. I don't want him to be OOC. Thanks for pointing that out!

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Review #3, by Love Made VisibleMissing Mummy: I'm Your Daddy

26th July 2009:
Hello, it's LMV from the forums replying to the request you posted on my thread.

Such a good opening chapter. Excellent length, kept me interested throughout and it flowed wonderfully. A flashback is always really effective so kudos for adding one in! Completely set the reader up for a fantastically happy and romantic story with Harry and Ginny blisfully married with two wonderful kids and another one on the way -- then you just shatter our dreams with the devastating realisation that Ginny is dead! Wonderful technique, takes the reader on such a journey.

The dialogue was brilliant, really felt completely engaged throughout the whole thing, it flowed really well and luckily didn't feel remotely forced. Sometimes I find when there's a lot of dialogue in one go it can come across quite awkward and forced, but yours did nothing of the sort. It all rolled into one another really well - the timing was excellent and the reactions natural.

Your characterisation of the two kids was amazing! Young children are not easy to write, it's a hard mentality to place yourself in and getting the reactions and mindset of two young children just right is really difficult, but you've done it excellently and it's really believable. They're such cute little kids too aren't they? It's going to be both interesting and heartbreaking to see how they cope without their mother around and even more interesting to see how Harry copes with three children, the loss of his wife and also his job.

The first thing I thought when I read your summary was 'what a unique plot line!'... and it really is. It's perhaps one of the most original stories I've ever read on HPFF, a very emotional topic to touch upon too, and never an easy thing to pull off - but you're doing excellently so far!

A very good opening chapter, well done.

LMV
9/10

Author's Response: I'm don't like writing really really long chapters, they just bore me. lol. The flashback just felt like the right way to start it off, because that be one of the few happy scenes in the whole story, sadly enough.
I'm really happy you thought I did a good job on the dialogue, I always just write whatever comes to me and if it doesn't, I just leave it. I really don't have a clue about children, so really just writing whatever feels normal and right for the two of them to say at such tender ages. It get's a lot darker in later chapters, if that's even possible!
*blushes* thank you very very much for the gorgeous review, it's probably one of the nicest reviews I have ever gotten. =]


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Review #4, by Love Made VisibleDeepest Star of Night: Chapter One

26th July 2009:
Hi. It's LMV from the forums replying to the request you posted on my thread. Sorry for taking forever to get to your story, I've had some laptop issues which set me back a month so I haven't had the opportunity.

A nice introductory chapter. I think it set the scene nicely for the forthcoming chapters, gave us an insight to the character's lives and personalities and established relationships between characters. What I liked about this chapter was the subtle humour to it. It wasn't obvious and I think that worked better, there were just a few sarcastic comments exchanged from James to Lily and of course Sirius was involved, and I think it added a nice tone to this opening chapter. It seems quite light-hearted at the moment, so we'll see where things go from here!

Your dialogue was nice and the whole thing flowed well, extremely well structured and was just the right length to keep me interested throughout. I particularly liked the connection between the girls, I thought it was interesting and quite refreshing - there's no hard feelings between them considering Cate is a Slytherin. I like that you've put Cate as the outcast and into a different house, it will definitely make things more interesting in the forthcoming chapters. What I also found effective was how you mentioned Petunia spending time with her boyfriend... I assumed it was Vernon. Added a nice touch there!

Now, onto some critique. There were things I didn't find were too strong and one of those was your characterisation of Remus. You've written him to almost not be a Marauder. I don't think it's particularly effective when people write him to be extremely reserved and not take part in the Marauders' pranks - it seems very OOC. I feel that if he had been like that then they wouldn't have allowed him in. They're a very tight-knit group of friends who love nothing more than a good prank! I think that needs to be reflected more.

Also having Snape carry a Chemistry set I think is quite overdone in fan fics, although it's not really a glaring issue, just something I thought I'd mention. And finally, I'd have liked some physical description of both the characters and setting in this opening chapter just to set the scene a little bit more. Perhaps it's going to come in the next few chapters which is great, I just think it would have been better in the introductory chapter.

Overall a very promising start! Good luck with the rest of the story and I'm off to review the next one now.

LMV
7/10

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Remus is more involved in other incidents throughout the story. I have been meaning to tweak a few things in this first chapter, so I will make sure to adjust Remus' involvement so it is not ooc! Thanks for all the great advice!!!

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Review #5, by Love Made VisibleA Bet Begets Hogwarts: A Mere Bet

8th June 2009:
Hi. I'm replying regarding the request you posted on the forums! First of all I'd just like to say I'm no poetry expert whatsoever so I hope this review doesn't appear at all obselete!

I've never read a poem here on the archives, so kudos for having the guts to do it. The rhyming scheme you've used is my favourite, I always feel that a poem flows a lot more freely with AABB. Some may feel that it takes a sort of realism away from a poem by not using the naturalistic speech, but I definitely prefer it. A connection to the wizarding world, if you will: the rhyming scheme always reminds me somewhat of a spell!

I thought a definite strong point to the story was the imagery, you captured everything really well and the poem just unfolded really well in my head. I really liked the part where you wrote about the founders' treasures, I thought that added a real authenticity to the poem.

I liked how you ended it with the rhyming scheme of ABAB. The ending of a poem is the main thing the reader remembers, and I like that you twisted things slightly and changed the rhyming scheme, it was a very successful technique to use.

The only critique I can offer is that sometimes your rhyming seems a little bit forced. It's nothing major, but sometimes I felt that if I were speaking it, it wouldn't flow out of my mouth naturally but instead feel somewhat forced.

LMV

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you like my rhyme scheme. Ha Ha - spell I never thought of that at. Love your comment on the imagery - That was something I worried about since I don't like to delve to deeply and slow the story but at the same time it is needed even in a short story.

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Review #6, by Love Made VisibleSpark of Insanity: His Vengeance

8th June 2009:
Hi. I'm here to reply to your request on the forums. First, I'd like to give Kudos for the opening sentence, I thought it was pretty great. I loved the automatic atmosphere that such a short sentence can create. Such few carefully chosen words set the tone for the whole story, a great technique to use.

I also thought the second paragraph was particularly effective because it brought out the character of Tobias Snape really well. I think you captured his character great, you've characterised him really well and you've written him just as I always imagined him. I suppose it's just a matter of personal preference but you've earned extra points from me on that front! I like how in that paragraph you really conveyed his ignorance towards the magical world. It's obvious that he doesn't understand any of it and that he never intends to. His ignorance is so strong and I think that's exactly how Tobias would have been. "For a witch, she sure is afraid" was the line I thought you really brought that part of his personality out. It's like he automatically assumes that witches are exactly how they're portrayed historically: fearless, incomparable strength and power, domineering.

("Devil-stick" further along in the story is another example of his ignorance, I love the consistency of it). What I think is so great about this fic is that you've made it clear that Tobias is not completely evil. I don't think he was like that through and through. In the flashbacks you've clearly shown that he was a loving husband who completely adored his wife - but you've also shown that he had a terrible temper. I think this sums up Tobias' character brilliantly.

I thought the dialogue between Tobias and Eileen was strong, the interaction between them flowed well and the pace was consistent. Overall this story is very good. I understand that it was written for a Challenge and therefore had to be under 1000 words, so what I'm about to say cannot be helped in the slightest. The only thing I could say that wasn't as strong as the rest of the story is that it was too short to have really captured enough emotion and it was all a little bit too fast paced for me to really connect with the plot. But obviously you've had to write it under 1000 words so you cannot change anything.

A great story, really well written and in my opinion really well characterised. Interesting story idea, too. I really wish I could read more Tobias/Eileen stories, but they appear to be very untouched around the archive.

LMV

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for stopping by! Many have commented on my first sentence and I'm glad that it really set the scene :]

You are such a perceptive reviewer! It's nice to see someone who notices the little things that a writer does in their work. I wanted to bring Tobias's characterization into the light right off the bat so that it would set a nice foundation for the events to follow. Tobias's ignorance was probably my favorite part of the one-shot. It shows that in the wizarding world, and in real life, people don't open their minds to everything that is out there. They are close-minded and they shut themselves away from things.

Yet another comment on the 'devil stick!' Once again, it makes me immensely happy that you noticed those things!

Dialogue is one of my weaknesses, so it's nice to see that you thought the dialogue came off strong. I understand your feelings about the length and many have mentioned it. In all honesty, I also wanted to write it so short because I just wanted readers to glimpse that the events that shaped Severus's past and his personality. For me, this one-shot is like the beginning of the end, so to speak.

Thank you so much for your review! It is very much appreciated!


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Review #7, by Love Made Visible Contrition: Contrition

15th February 2009:
I'm an absolute stickler for good spacing in a story, I find it makes the whole story seem so much more polished and professional. Oh and yeah, your spacing is great! The paragraphs were just long enough to hold my attention without me getting bored. Good job, I've read some stories where the spacing is just terrible and it frankly ruins the flow of the story. So I'm glad you've perfected the layout of this, it makes me smile.

"but it seemed as if Nature too were holding back," I'm not sure if I'm right or not, but I'm pretty sure I am: I don't think nature should be capitalised. I loved your opening paragraph, it was just beautiful. Your use of description was so rich and full, it set the scene beautifully and it just all unreeled to magically in my head. Your descriptions are some of the best I've read and I can tell a lot of thought and energy went into them, they're well thought out and reflect your ability as a writer. You're obviously extremely sophisticated as a writer, this whole story just oozes elegance.

I particularly enjoyed reading the distaste Severus felt for his childhood. For your first Severus fic it was very good, you put across how much he hated his childhood and his father beautifully, ever finer detail was included and I really felt how much he hated every minute of it. Including that really helped characterise Snape, really highlighted how he became to be the bitter, cold man he is today. And you highlighted that perfectly!

As I read further into the story, my heart breaks further. The way you've written Snape is just inspiring, I can whole-heartedly feel the desperation he feels for Lily, the way he longs for her to come back to him. I can personally feel the grief he feels, the pain that's tearing him apart because he feels responsible for the loss of Lily. The sophisticated vocabulary you've used maximises it even more - I feel that I just want to ease Severus' pain and make him realise that he needs to let go, because as we know he never did let go. Never did he let go of the love he felt towards Lily, the only person that ever understood him and appreciated the person he was. He's such a broken person and this story really lets the audience recognise the broken man he is.

The flashbacks were also beautiful. They represented the friendship they had and how much he needed her. A lot of the time people don't appreciate how much she needed him also, but the divide in their personality would not let them be the best of friends that they knew they should be. The thing that stood in the way of their friendship was the Marauders, and these flashbacks made me feel so nostalgic considering everything that Severus and Lily had and the relationship they shared. This is a beautiful story, it captures the aboslute essence of who Severus and Lily were. It was so poignant, every emotion was displayed beautifully, magically.

LMV

Author's Response: Ah. Perfecting the formatting is difficult seeing as the formatting goes haywire while posting the chapter. But I'm a stickler for good formatting and I know how distracting it is when fics are not properly formatted.

I'm not sure either whether Nature should be capitalised or not. I haven't got this beta'ed yet, but am intending to. So I'll check with my beta then. :)

Descriptions are the easiest to write for me, it's the dialogue tags I usually have trouble with. And openings. I usually go for slightly unconventional openings, and they're not the easiest to write/conceive. But reviews such as these which appreciate how much of thought has gone into it makes it worthwhile.

Snape's horrible childhood did play a very key role in shaping him into the man he became. He was oppressed and weak, and that led him to seek power.

I'm so glad to hear that you could connect with Snape. That is the greatest achievement for any writer - to be able to elicit a reaction from the reader, to be able to tap into the reservoir of emotions and bring them to the surface.

I'm also pleased to hear that you found the flashback to be beautiful. You're right. Quite often, in flashbacks, we read about Lily being absolutely cold and unforgiving, which I find a little hard to accept. Somewhere deep down, I think Lily would have loved Snape (in a very platonic way, of course), despite everything that had happened between the two of them. I wanted to highlight that.

Thanks for the amazing, amazing review. As I said, reviews such as these make writing worthwhile. Thanks again.

Renee.


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Review #8, by Love Made VisibleHold Back The Tears: Chapter Six- The Memory Of A Sunset

15th February 2009:
Once again, the spacing is far too confusing so it would be best to edit that and make the spaces smaller. I don't mean to be nit-picky about it, but it ruins the flow of the story, it makes it quite awkward and disjointed; the scenes don't roll in to eachother as well because of the disjointed structure, and it's a shame because if there was less spacing the different scenes would flow into eachother with such ease because your writing is great. That's the only thing that really lets the flow down. Especially the spacing of the first three paragraphs.

I complimented you on the opening of the last chapter, and I'm going to do the same with this chapter. In the last one you went for a dramatic short sentence to entice the reader, that worked well and the drama was significantly maximised, and that carried on for the rest of the chapter. Then at the end Maddie hit a sort of turning point, hearing Tyler's voice opened new doors for her, she finally found some sort of closure. Now with this chapter you've highlighted that, you've represented it in the way she's perceiving the sunset, everything is a lot more mellow, you've represented the calmness in her through your description. I thought that was an excellent technique and set the chapter up perfectly.

"Madison, you are just too unsocial," I feel 'unsocial' should be changed to 'antisocial'. I like how Maddie thought it was Tyler behind her. She was so lost in her thoughts, and because Tyler spoke to her in the last chapter she half expected him to be there with her again, and I like that. But having it as Sirius instead I enjoyed even more; if it were Tyler then I think it would have taken a certain edge away from the story, it would have just been far too unrealistic. So I actually exhaled in relief when it was Sirius. It was a nice touch to add though, because not only did Maddie believe Tyler was speaking to her again, so did the audience. "He questioned with all seriousness." No! I just died inside because you made a Sirius pun. I like how Maddie scolded herself for making it, but I hate that you made it in the first place! Original Marauder fics should never have Sirius puns in them, it's ridiculously cliche.

"Opps that hadn't been very lady like..." The correct spelling would be 'Oops'. I also think you should add an exclamation mark at the end of it, just to add more impact. Don't you agree that this reads better? "Oops! That hadn't been very lady like..." I think it makes it flow better, makes it easier to read and also adds dramatic effect. Something else I noticed: They say: "you mess with me", I'll send a bludger to your face." I'm guessing that the 'I'll send a bludger to your face' part is still part of what the boxers say? Because if so you put the quote marks too early. And it also should read like this, "They say: 'You mess with me, I'll send a Bludger to your face.'" Using quote marks at the beginning of what the boxers read would close the dialogue off altogether.

'"The girl's love them," he replied cunningly and I grinned.' 'girl's' should not have an apostrophe because it's not possessive and doesn't join two words together. I also think it would flow better if you wrote it as '"The girls love them," he replied cunningly. I grinned.' Not using punctuation there made it appear a bit forced and rushed, breaking it up slightly made it easier to read. "light colored lavender walls." In Britain 'colored' is spelt 'coloured', it's only a small thing but it would make the chapter more polished if you were to have the correct Britishisms.

I loved your characterisation of Sirius, it's just how I imagined him. He's loyal to his friends and cares for them more than anything, yet obviously he gets annoyed with them and their habits like any group of friends - they're not all perfect and they don't love eachother one hundred per cent of the time, and I like how you've put across that. And congratulations for not having Sirius swoon over ladies the whole time! I adore how you've made him considerate, aware of others' feelings and not completely self-involved. It's refreshing to see an author perceive him in a different way, a less obvious, cliche'd way. He is aware of the world around him and the people in it, and he is aware that there are more people in the world than the Marauders. Good job with that, you've made him realistic!

The only thing I was concerned about was the dialogue between Maddie and Tyler whilst they were making their smoothies. I felt that you were trying too hard to let the audience know of how much they loved eachother and how much they meant to one another, and you don't need to. We know this from the last chapters, you've perceived it wonderfully in the way that Maddie longs for him every second of her life. So I don't think you need to have them tell eachother they love one another so often, or even at all; I don't think you need to have Tyler remind Maddie that she's his everything - we know all this. I just got the impression it was quite forced, you wanted to highlight their love for eachother but there was honestly no need.

Another great chapter. This is proving to be quite a promising story and I'm enjoying the progress that Maddie is making. In the previous chapters she was extremely depressed and I enjoyed how you didn't rush that. I thought it was inspiring how you didn't make her get over Tyler in three seconds flat. You dragged it out for a few chapters and you've definitely maximised her upset. And now I like how this chapter is her turning point, she's not as angsty and distressed as she has been in previous chapters and I think the turning point came at the perfect time; if you'd have carried it on any longer it would have seemed too much, the plot is just starting to really kick in now and it's exciting. Well done with this chapter.

LMV

Author's Response: Wow thank you so much! I wasn't sure if i was dragging her emotions on too much. I will go on and tryy to fix the spacing again in this chapter. I really appreciate your reviews!


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Review #9, by Love Made VisibleHold Back The Tears: Chapter Five- His Voice

15th February 2009:
I have to say, I got instantly distracted with the large spacing between your paragraphs. I think you need to edit those and make the spaces smaller, because it distracted me from the general flow of the story and made quite disjointed and overall less polished. And also the huge disclaimers at the beginning and end are rather distracting, but I can live with them. The only thing that really bothers me is the spacing, it's too large and makes it look unprofessional.

I thought it was good how you started with a short sentence. My attention was instantly grasped and it was very dramatic. I love the magic of short sentences, they're brilliant. This one was particularly good because it was abrupt and shocking, the harshness of the situation was maximised I felt. It's little techniques like that I enjoy, they add more dramatic effect to a chapter and I found it really effective. It's straight into the drama of it all, good job.

What I enjoyed about the third paragraph is the way you perceived the Marauders. Maddie is going through a rough time, she's lost her best friend and things are hard for her, and it comes across significantly in that paragraph. She's generally good natured and eager to please, and I like that. She's sweet and kind and aware of others' feelings, but in this paragraph you showed that even she has her limits: that sometimes things just get on top of her, more than she can bear and she finally hit a turning point for me in this paragraph. The way she was annoyed at James and his pathetic attempts to get Lily, I thought it was great how you described Peter's girlfriend to be a "freak of a girl". Maddie usually uses euphemisms to describe her, she tries to be less harsh when others weren't - so I liked how you had her tell her like it is. For once she doesn't care what people think, she doesn't care about anyone's feelings but her own; I liked that paragraph a lot.

I noticed a slight grammar mistake here: "People looked to apologetic", the correct way should have been written like this, "People looked too apologetic". It's nothing huge of course, but it was just something small that your beta missed so I thought you'd appreciate me pointing that out for you. Something else I noticed was, "I still probably be sad, and morning." I'm not too sure what you're trying to say here, it doesn't make sense, should it be like this? "I'd still probably be sad, and mourning." It felt slightly awkward to me and I got the feeling that it was a slight error. Now I'm just being nit-picky, so I do apologise, but this stood out to me, " I was 78 percent". I feel that it would be more professional if you wrote it as "seventy-eight per cent", generally in literature people write out numbers in their worded form. "It was Nothing", the word 'nothing' should not have a capital letter because it's in the middle of the sentence. "I nodded listening to him was one of my strengths." This sentence felt quite rushed and lacking in punctuation, you need to put a semi-colon after nodded to break the sentence up slightly. And finally, "Maybe, Eventually", 'eventually' shouldn't have a capital letter.

This chapter was extraordinarily poignant. The way you've written it was great, and this chapter made me so glad that you decided to do it in first person: I don't think you'd have been able to highlight the pain Maddie is going through if you'd have done it in third. The way she longs for Tyler is so heartbreaking, I just love the way you've characterised her. She's not a very strong girl, and you've written that beautifully. Making her quite weak was clever in the way that you've allowed the audience to have different feelings towards her: sorry for her in the way that she can't cope with the loss of the person she loves most, but also quite annoyed at her desperation. I think that's a great technique. You've allowed your OC to have flaws! Having Tyler speak to her was quite nice and nostalgic, perhaps it's a new beginning for Maddie, I believe it could be. And it's about time too, she's been through too much and she deserves some happiness. Good job with this chapter, you've captured all the emotions wonderfully.

LMV

Author's Response: Wow, i opened the unanswered reviews and got two unbelievably long and detailed reviews from you. Just to let you know it made my day! Thank you so much.

I've already tried fixing the spacing, i went back again today and corrected the mistakes you pointed out. Thank you very much. I also hope that i bettered the spacing.

I don't even mean to actually start it with short sentences hehe. It actually somewhat comes from my mind, and it just goes right down on paper.


Thank you so much for this review. It was unbelievably helpful.

I am so glad that you like the character of Madison, in some ways i feel as if she relates to me and maybe that is why i can write her so easily.

Thank you so so much
-Rachel


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Review #10, by Love Made VisibleYou Monster: A Question of Surprise

7th February 2009:
The first thing that struck me was the characterisation of Merope. I thought it was so great at the beginning when she was talking about the love potion she had brewed for Tom. She narrated it beautifully, her love for him was exploding out of her, the excitement was so obvious in her, and I felt for her, I wanted her to be happy - yet all the time I could not help notice the selfishness in her tone, the Slytherin inside her that was seeping out into the story. I thought it was beautiful that you added that. It was so subtle and on her part unintentional: she was positively beaming about the love potion she had made, so gratified that finally he will feel the love that she had felt for him for so long, but underneath I could not help but spot a hint of manipulation and selfishness behind all that happiness. I thought it was a wonderful technique and made the characterisation of Merope even better than it was before. Yes, she's youthful, fruitful and rid of Marvolo and Morfin, free to be her own person, but at the same time she's still from that family and inherited a lot of their traits. I thought it was great to still recognise that, and the subtlety of it was inspiring!

Another small thing that I enjoyed reading about was the dress that she was wearing when Tom came round to visit her. I thought it was extremely effective in the way that you made it her mothers. Naturally, she wouldn't have had anything worth a penny of her own, so I thought it was extremely thoughtful of you to add that it was her mothers, I couldn't help but feel slightly nostalgic on her behalf as well. I thought the way you described the dress was nice also, it seemed very regal and elegant without it being too over the top beautiful, and not to mention how much I enjoyed you mentioning how aged it was.

"making sure that my work was flawlessly fit for the man of my dreams." This quote leapt off the page for me. I like how you've used alliteration but the thing that mainly struck me is how Merope narrated Tom to be the 'man of her dreams'. After all the sophisticated vocabulary and phrases that you used in the previous chapter I felt that phrase was lacking slightly, made it feel quite immature and not enough severity to it in a way...almost a bit childish. I don't think it was powerful enough to capture the utmost desperation and longing she has felt for this man for most of her life.

This was a beautiful chapter. I felt a mix of emotions throughout, which was so effective in making me enjoy the chapter a lot more: I felt so happy for Merope, that she had finally been rewarded with everything she deserved - happiness. All these years she's been refused that and it had clearly taken its toll on her, and I felt somewhat eased at the thought of her receiving what she desired for once in her life. Yet at the same time I pitied her, I felt extremely sorry that she had to resort to a love potion to get this man to fall in love with her, my heart ached at the fact that she was positive that no man would ever fall in love with her without using magical means. It was heart breaking to read about, yet she shrugged it off with such ease because she was finally getting Tom. And I also felt quite annoyed at her naivety (thinking that a love potion could seal her future forever), and her desperation! Those mix of emotions made the story come alive for me, it was an excellent technique to use, you did a perfect job.

I only spotted one spelling error, which was great. And it was just here, "Will you do me a lovely favor and confirm my offer of making you my wife?" Tom was British of course, and the spelling of 'favor' here in England is 'favour'. It's nothing huge, but I just thought I'd let you know because the correct spelling of Britishisms just make the chapter seem a little bit more polished.

Once again the flow was perfect. It was another short chapter but I think it works for this story: by keeping them short you're able to capture the emotions, drama and angst of things to maximum quality, nothing starts to seem repetitive or over done. The spacing again was great; paragrahps just the right length to hold my attention. The descriptions were fabulous, and that's a real added bonus for the flow - if the descriptions are beautiful it allows the scene to unfold better, like a movie unreeling, it was very natural and believable. You're obviously a very sophisticated writer because professionalism and grace just oozes out of this story. You're doing a great job so keep doing what you're doing and this story can do nothing but get better.

LMV

Author's Response: thank you so much. your thoughts mean so much to me. being a sophisticated writer is honestly one of the most complete and flattering compliments that i have ever received. i am still young and am constantly experimenting with different writing descriptions and techniques. therefore, sophistication as always seemed to me something that i have not captured yet. thank you for the help with the Britishism for this chapter. i will fix that right away and might resort to getting a beta for later chapters with much more dialogue. it would be nice to nail all of the British aspects into this story and being from America, that could be a little bit difficult. thank you so much for this lovely review and i will surely come back to request for more of my works to be read and reviewed when i get the chance. thank you, thank you, thank you!

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Review #11, by Love Made VisibleYou Monster: Changing A Life

7th February 2009:
This is a great opening to what I presume is going to be an extremely promising story. It was short, yet just the right length to set the scene and create the relevant foundations to entice the reader and persuade them to read the next chapter. You set the scene beautifully, I love how you didn't give anything too important away to the audience and that the chapter wasn't full of drama and action; because I find when that happens the forthcoming chapters aren't quite as exciting and fresh - they tend to lack the energy and buzz of the first chapter. This chapter was just the start, the blank canvas for all the plot and detail that's going to be unveiled to us within the next few chapters. It was a subtle chapter; yet extraordinarily thoughtful. It lacked nothing.

The characterisation was good. I liked the way you described the appearances of both Merope and Tom, they were just as I'd always imagined them; I felt you kept them both relatively canon. It was really refreshing that you didn't characterise Merope to be bitter and withered like I've read in a lot of stories - a lot of writers tend to forget that she's still young, and I like how you've captured that and portrayed this side of her personality, you've put more flesh on the bones and explored her differently, which I find quite inspiring. I always believed that despite the enslavement and neglect she experienced from her family she still had hope, she was still fruitful and optimistic, rather than bitter and twisted like Marvolo and Morfin - but obviously she'd never had the opportunity to display that part of her personality, because she was never allowed to have a personality - she was just there to do as she was told.

"Bouncy, brunette curls of sunshine donned her head and sparkling, light eyes overlooked the world;" that was my favourite description. I thought it was beautiful, the sophistication and polish of your writing came across really well in that description; the alliteration used added effect also, and describing her curls to be of sunshine was just so regal. That one sentence I felt showed a great deal about your talent as a writer.

The only critique I can really offer this story is to mention is to go into more detail about the happiness she felt when Morfin and Marvolo were taken to Azkaban. You said she was happy, but I felt you could have gone into a lot more detail about it. Marvolo and Morfin made her life hell, she wasn't allowed to have a childhood, she was used as a slave and constantly made to feel inferior...the day they left her life was an absolutely huge milestone for her. She was suddenly free, all hold that they had over her was gone and she was suddenly liberated - I'd like to feel that liberation with her. I wanted to know whether she felt one hundred per cent gratified that she could finally be her own person - or slightly lost without someone giving her direction in all aspects of her life. Did she feel still bound to them even though they weren't there anymore? I think you should have considered including that.

The flow of this story was also excellent. You went at just the right pace and nothing fell short, the scenes unfolded into eachother with such ease and grace, it was so easy to follow, I didn't have to backtrack once to see where one scene ended and another began; good job with that. The spacing was another bonus for me: the paragraphs were just the right length to keep me ivolved and interested with what was going on; nothing about it was disjointed and confusing. Is there dialogue in the next chapter because I noticed there wasn't any in this? Overall this is a brilliant opening chapter and set the scene majestically. I can judge that this is going to be such a fruitful, yet poignant story.

LMV

Author's Response: thank you. wow, this review is absolutely lovely. i loved all that you thought of this; the good and the bad. your suggestions make perfect sense and i am so happy that i requested your way. thank you for all of the positive feedback, seeing as i did not ask for them. it goes to show that i am indeed headed in the right direction. yes, there is a little bit of dialogue in the next chapter. not too much, but enough to keep you wanting more, i hope.

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Review #12, by Love Made VisibleThe Trick is to Keep Breathing: Chapter One

6th February 2009:
The first thing that struck me was how you started with dialogue. I found it extremely effective and instantly grabbed my attention, I really think it's great when a story starts with speech, it puts a different twist on things. It's much more effective than when it starts with a long sentence that perhaps describes the setting, and then continues to do so for the next three paragraphs; I found it extraordinarily refreshing how you snapped up my attention automatically, got straight into the action and set the scene afterwards. It's a brilliant and somewhat underrated technique, good job. And also the use of the exclamation mark at the end adds impact and dramatic effect to the opening sentence.

Something which I simply loved was the way you described Astoria in the second paragraph. You made her the complete opposite to what I imagined and I adore that; I just love to read another persons perspective on underrated, unexplored characters. I had always imagined her to be rather frumpy, harsh and unnatractive with unkempt black hair - but the way you described her works wonderfully and my perspective has altered slightly because this makes a great deal of sense! The imagery you used there was also beautiful, the scene unfolded majestically in my head like a movie unreeling.

I loved the way you described the contrast between Astoria and Daphne, it was brilliant and your use of vocabulary just makes the story come alive. The description of the settings are just beautiful also, they're not too overdone and just the right amount of details are included; everything was extremely relevant. You completely put me into the shoes of Astoria in the way that you accounted everything. It's really inspiring.

This really was such a great chapter, I can't even suggest any critique. It was so elegantly written, sophistication simply oozed from it. The dialogue was humorous and snappy, the interaction between Astoria and Theodore was fast paced and naturalistic, I enjoyed their banter quite a bit. The overall flow of this was great aswell, I like how you've spaced the paragraphs out evenly. I find it allows the story to flow better, the different scenes followed on from eachother beautifully, it was all extremely even paced and not at all disjointed.

The characterisation of Draco was great, too. Just how he was in the novels. I liked how in this chapter you didn't make him all in-your-face and heroic, to rescue the poor damsel in distress from the evil Nott - I thought it was refreshing how you just allowed this first chapter to create the foundation for the story and allow Draco to simply observe, take the back seat. There were numerous oppertunities were Draco could have intervened but he didn't, and I'm so glad. It made it more realistic this way, you're obviously not putting the two together just for the sake of it...there's actually a plot behind it. A very interesting plot, judging from this chapter. Everything about it was great and you genuinely did a great job.

LMV

Author's Response: Wow, wow, wow. I'm still speechless, a state which I'm sure won't vanish anytime soon, and whatever I say won't give this review the justice it deserves. All I can say, really, is thank you - a hundred times over and over. It's a relief to hear that you liked my characterizations (especially Draco's!) and the general style of the chapter. I can't tell you how worried I was about it. And that it comes alive... That just means the world to me, because that's what I'm always aiming at. Anyways, don't know what else to say. You totally made my entire week with this review - thanks, again, very much!

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Review #13, by Love Made VisibleAll Alone: All Alone

6th February 2009:
The first thing that struck me was your spacing. I found it quite disjointed and it made it harder to read, thus it didn't flow as naturally as it should have done. Perhaps if you make your paragraphs a little bit longer and space them out some more it would allow the scenes to move into one another a lot more freely.

I really do like your characterisation of Lavender, I thought it was inspiring. I feel you wrote her just like she is in the novels, she's quite naive and vain, and actually a little bit dim; however at the same time she has feelings like everyone and and I thought it was both great and interesting in the way that you took both of those aspects of her ever evolving personality and moulded them into one. You brought them both forward and made the audience laugh at her naivety and silliness, yet also feel sorry for her in the way that she was infatuated with Ronald, just to have him let her down. And her vulnerability is so cute also, that makes me fall in love with her a lot more in this chapter. There are far too little stories on this site with Lavender as a main character (and Dean for that matter too), and I find it refreshing that you chose these two underrated characters.

I also thought your characterisation of Dean was great. He's not extremely confident, and I don't think he's at all sure of himself, and I like the way that you had him wonder why Ginny would ever be interested in him in the first place. He's quite shy and innocent and you portrayed that very well. A lot of the time it's hard to write a main character as shy and insecure; because it's always easiest to make them outgoing and boistrous, so I like the direction you've gone in here. He's a really caring soul too, so I was impressed with how you had him go and check on Lavender to see if she was okay, and all the time highlighting his insecurity and shyness. However, I'm not sure he'd have the nerve to cuddle her, but that's just me.

Something else I noticed is how unfortunately fast paced this chapter was. I really wish you'd slown it down a lot and taken your time. You didn't include enough descriptions either: I'd have loved to read about how Dean and Lavender look - the tiny details on their face and the way they walk, their posture, their eye colour, all these things are crucial in a story and I feel you missed them out. Also you were lacking in description of your surroundings. You should have said what the Quidditch pitch looked like, what the corridors looked like, whether they were drafty and cold with moss growing in the corners; all these things make a story come to life, have character. I think you should slow things down and perhaps take a step back and think about the thing's your missing out on.

I also don't think you should have Dean and Lavender get together so soon, either. I always believe that you should have an opening chapter simply set the scene and create the foundation for your story rather than delve straight into the action, because I find a lot of the time when that happens the forthcoming chapters tend to lack energy and not quite live up to the opening chapter. So having Dean and Lavender kiss in the first chapter was a little bit rushed - I think you should have set the scene a little bit first. Describe the sexual tension between the two for a couple of chapters, include how they realise they have feelings for one another, state how they interact around one another after they know how they feel about eachother; and then the readers will just be on the edge of their seats desperate for that ever important first kiss.

I noticed some spelling and grammar errors in the first chapter also, so I think it would be good to get a beta to look over those for you. Sometimes whilst you're in the heat of writing you don't notice these little mistakes. This was an interesting chapter and I think your strong point is definitely characterisation.

LMV

Author's Response: Yeah, I realise now that the paragraphs are wierd so I will go and change them now.

Thankyou. I wanted to be able to see things through her eyes. She's a human being, it's just that through Harry's eyes she's a bit of an idiot. I wanted to show that maybe he was wrong, so I'm glad that came across. I also did want the reader to like her, otherwise they wouldn't be happy when she was at the end. I'm really happy that you liked her as a character :)

Yes, I always wondered why he didn't play such a large role in the books as another of Harry's friends, say, Seamus. I liked that he was never that loud and that he was the complete opposite of Ginny.
I wasn't sure about that either, but since it was a one shot, I wanted a nice end to it so felt it nessecary.

Description is something that I feel I am improving on, though it is taking time, as you can imagine. I am going to try and go over this, adding bits in soon :D

Okay, will do :)
Thankyou for taking the time to review this, it means a lot :)
xxx


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Review #14, by Love Made VisibleBittersweet and Strange: Positively Primeval

6th February 2009:
This is a very good opening chapter. It didn't give too much away which I like very much, it wasn't full of action and drama which I also liked; I don't believe an opening chapter should be straight into the action because a lot of the time I find myself let down by the following chapters. I enjoyed reading this a lot, you set the scene beautifully and laid the foundations for what I speculate will be an extremely interesting story - I feel there aren't enough fics with Minerva as the main character. I also like the way you characterised Minerva: you didn't write her to be the hard-faced, tight lipped woman she was in the novels. A lifetime of hurt obviously hardened her to be the sort of woman she was, and I thought it was refreshing how you went in a different direction and portrayed her to be the fruitful, optimistic young woman I believe she once was.

Something which I believe could be improved on is your character descriptions. I don't feel you delved into them as much as you could. It would have been nice to read how Minerva looked as a young woman in contrast to the more mature Minerva we read about in Jo's novels. Also I would have liked to know what Rob looked like. He seems like an interesting character and there's obviously a lot of potential between him and Minerva! It'd be great to find out what he looks like either in this chapter or the next chapter. And also her Grandmother, I found her character interesting and it would have been a joy to read about her appearance: does she look extremely withered and old? Has she aged well? Is she still youthful and has light in her eyes despite her age? And also it would be quite interesting to read about a resemblance between Minerva and her Grandmother.

Something which I picked up on was how well you described your settings. Some of the imagery you created in my mind was electric and I found it extremely inspiring. "she could see the waves caressing the beach", that was my favourite bit of imagery you used in this chapter. I thought the personification there was just beautiful.

The dialogue was great also. It all flowed nicely into eachother and it all made sense. There was quite a lot of dialogue in this chapter so usually it would be quite easy to get lost and perhaps lose train of thought; yours was done extremely well however and the interaction between the two characters having a conversation was very naturalistic. As I said, there was a great deal of dialogue in this chapter and I think it would be nice to concentrate less on dialogue in the next chapter, perhaps just use a little bit less to even the story out a little bit more.

One thing that struck me with the interaction between Minerva and her mother was this, "You've been doing so well at school. Top student for the fourth year running and a prefect to boot". In England we do not use the phrase 'to boot', and it sounded quite odd. It's not really a big deal however it's just something I noticed. The spacing in this chapter was also very good, it's laid out very professional and the dialogue is spaced out wonderfully, so the reader doesn't become overwhelmed with all the speech.

I enjoyed reading Minerva's inner-turmoil. The thoughts that were in italics were great, like she was questioning her own motives and beliefs - her parents have drilled this idealistic world they want for their daughter into her head and it's almost as if she doesn't know what she wants anymore. I found that quite effective. I can also really feel for Minerva: how she wants to be the best daughter she can be, make her parents happy, to reassure them after what happened to Aurora (which I'm also intrigued about!) But also she wants to lead her own life...make her own decisions and make her own mistakes and to learn from them herself. Therefore including the battle her head is having with her heart was extremely effective. Overall this is an extraordinary chapter to what I believe is going to be a really promising story!

LMV

Author's Response: This is such a great and detailed review and exactly what I was looking for when I requested :) I'll try my best to give it a response that does it some justice!

I'm really happy that you liked my characterization of Minerva. I actually considered a whole cast of other characters to use before I decided on Minerva, whom I chose because she is exactly what you described: a hard-faced, tight-lipped woman. She really intrigues me and so often during the series, we see that she has a sense of humor that she keeps wrapped up in that tight bun. I like to imagine that she was once a light-hearted, hopeful young woman who had plenty going for her academically. She was probably ambitious and I'm sure that since there was no husband or children mentioned for her in the books, she must have sacrificed life as a wife and mother to teach. I wonder if she ever regretted her choice (hence the kind of personality she has - not exactly bitter, but sort of dry and stiff) and it's kind of interesting to think about.

I definitely agree with you that I need more in the way of character descriptions :) Reading back through this chapter, I don't think I mentioned once what anybody looked like! Whoops! I also like to know what characters look like when I'm reading a story, so I'll definitely add more detail of that kind as I go on.

There will be a lot less dialogue as the story continues since it will be like a fairy tale told by Jane. I think I'll keep the dialogue specifically for the "modern" day with Minerva's story and make the embedded story more like something you'd hear from a person telling the tale.

Thank you so much for pointing out the "to boot" phrase. Can you tell I'm American? :D I bet it's painfully obvious. I will fix that immediately!

The spacing on this site drives me crazy because every time I submit a chapter, the formatting is out of whack. I have to go back to the Simple Editor and fix everything manually (because I'm OCD) so I'm glad you appreciate the layout!! :)

I'm glad you liked Minerva's inner turmoil! I put some of my own real life experiences (haha I sound like I'm 45) into this chapter. My parents were pushy when I was growing up too; parents just want the best for you and sometimes they don't understand that what they want might not be what you want. It's all a part of growing up to sit up and say, "Excuse me. This is my life," and I think since Minerva is such a strong woman and a Gryffindor, she would do so in the end. I've recently made my own big decision and it's scary at first, but so incredibly liberating to know that finally I'm an adult and I get to make the decisions. I think I'm going to have a lot of fun with this story because it's sort of my own personal vent. :)

Thanks a million for your lovely review; it was just the right mixture of criticism and praise and I truly needed it. I hope you'll come back for more!

Jules


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Review #15, by Love Made VisibleSitting in the Orange Tree: The Pool Of Reflection

6th February 2009:
Something which first struck me was the spacing of your paragraphs. I think they were spaced just right, they weren't too crammed together and the paragraphs were just long enough to hold my attention without getting bored, and it makes it look a lot more professional. I found because of this your story generally flowed a lot better and wasn't at all disjointed. Good job. And can I just add how much I love a short first sentence? It adds so much more dramatic effect rather than a longer sentence. So I thought that was also great. It was short, snappy and set the scene well.

"fear holding me in its cruel palms", I loved this. I thought it was so dramatic and it was so fitting to how Aurelia felt at that moment; it was a great example of personification. "My daughter was dead." You used another short sentence again ;), I'm a huge fan of those because I can't begin to explain to you the dramatic effect! You asked if this chapter was dramatic enough and I believe it is. It's the small things like this that make all the difference to how people read and perceive what's going on in a story. Aurelia saying plainly that her daughter was dead was hard-hitting and shocking, I felt it was extremely poignant because of the bluntness of it.

I exhaled with relief when I found out that it was not Luna she had been following, and the twist you added, that she had been following herself, I thought was a really good technique. The only thing I would suggest for improvement is if you tell us how she felt when she realised it was herself whom he was following, was she confused? I'd like to know. This is an infectious story, and I like the way you portray her longing for her daughter. Great chapter.

LMV

Author's Response: I don't really think much about the spacing, I just break it off when I feel it's most natural. I'm glad it reads well too! And I love short sentences, when used sparingly. Too many can make the whole thing a bit weird.

I'll be sure to add that little bit extra in, I'm suprised I didnt before!

thank you so much for this review :)


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Review #16, by Love Made VisibleA Dying Legacy: Family

6th February 2009:
Your opening paragraph was indeed very good. It caught my eye and its detail held my attention throughout, it introduced just enough insight to the chapter without giving anything away to the audience, I enjoyed reading the first paragraph a lot, it was extremely effective. Another thing I noticed was the spacing of your paragraphs and your dialogue, it was very good. It made the story flow evenly and nothing was disjointed or hard to understand. The paragraphs were just long enough to hold my attention without wondering when it was going to end, good job.

At the beginning when you were writing about the glass wall that divided them, I'd like to see you describe the glass wall, how clean was it? Did it have any specks from old potions still stained on it? Towards the end of the first section where Fintan had started coughing blood and collapsing - you repeat the name 'Fintan' a whole lot, and I think it would make it flow better if you replaced some with 'he'. It would make it less repetitive and therefore more effective. What I thought you did well in the first section was your description of the Lab, I thought it was excellent, your use of imagery really helped me picture the scene in my head and the flow of it was great, as you were describing different aspects they all rolled along well in my head. I enjoyed reading them.

I enjoyed reading Scorpius thinking about what would happen to his mother, I thought it was quite touching how concerned he is about her. It added a warming touch to this chapter. I love the relationship and interaction between Scorpius and Astoria! I noticed some misplaced commas in the third section but really nothing that leapt off the page to me so I wouldn't particularly worry about them. Do you have a beta?

I loved the description of Pansy in the final section, the part where you were telling us how she was slightly curled, I thought that was a great description. Actually, I find it really great how you've characterised Pansy overall. I think you did it just as she would have been in Jo's novels. She was always quite cowardly and lived in the shadow of her fellow Slytherin's, namely Draco, and I don't think it would be unlike her at all to beg for help. You've written her well. The only thing I would say is that I didn't like this similie too much: "hitting the stone floor like a sack of potatoes". I think for a really sophisticated chapter it makes it appear quite humorous and somewhat childish. Overall another good quality chapter so keep it up.

LMV

Author's Response: Hello again =P

I enjoyed writing the descriptions on this chapter. Almost all the setting in this chapter were new, so I had a lot of freedom to describe them. Especially the lab. St. Mungo's is one of the places we don't see much (except in the last two books), so we can pratically write it the way we want. It's a lot of fun ^^

I think I'm adding a bit of description about the glass wall, just had some ideas of what to put in. Thank you for suggesting it.
I repeat words a lot, especially because English is not my first language. So my vocabulary isn't as extensive. But I will change the repetitions.

I love writing the Malfoys. Especially Scorpius. Because they can be rude and have all that pureblood pride, but deep down they are still humans and they love eachother. (as we have already seen at the end of DH).
Scorpius is just really fun to write, because we know nothing about him. I always thought that the netx-generation wouldn't be as prejudiced as their parents, and would have learned from the mistakes of the past generation.

I never liked Pansy (that's one of the reasons she was one of the first characters to die). So saying that I've written her well it's a really big compliment. =D
Yes, that phrase bugs me too. But I didn't know what else to put. Nothing else came to me. I had nothing better to put. Once I have a better sentence I'll change it.

Thank you for reviewing every chapter Sophie =D

ForgottenFace

PS: Wow this is a huge reply. I hope you didn't get bored.


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Review #17, by Love Made VisibleEmbers: Embers

5th February 2009:
The first sentence jumped off the page for me, I thought it was a really great opening and thoroughly dragged my attention into the story. A great opening sentence is crucial, and this is one of the most effective I think I've come across on this site. It was just so original and different, it didn't give too much away about what was going to happen in the story, yet it hinted a sort of desperation and vulnerability. Something tragic had obviously happened, and the first sentence oozed that; it was everything a first sentence should be.

As the story progresses it becomes increasingly apparent how much Albus and Scorpius need eachother. There's a sort of desperation and fear inside Scorpius after the murder of his parents that makes me aware of how much worse off he would be without Albus. It's obvious he would not cope and I like the idea of Albus being the strong, level-headed one in the relationship. In a lot of Scorpius/Albus fics I've read it was Scorpius that was the domineering half, it seemed compulsory that he was to be this strong, manly, burly character that needed to look after the people around him; I find it inspiring how you've gone in a different direction and let Albus take the lead role in the relationship. Something else which struck me is how much Albus needs Scorpius: he seemed to be acting the hero and trying to save Scorpius' soul, and I feel that without Scorpius he would be lost, almost as if he enjoys being the doting one in the relationship. It's extremely interesting analysing these two's motives.

This fic is extremely poignant and you've captured the emotions excellently. It doesn't concentrate on the physical side of the relationship which is admirable of you, it centres entirely on the emotional desperation in the pair of them and it's wonderful. Your imagery is also something that leaped out to me...you do it very well, your descriptions are well written and professional. I enjoyed reading them a lot. Your similies are brilliant and allow the scenes to flow out wonderfully. I can genuinely see the story unfolding in my mind and nothing is choppy or uneven about it.

The only thing I would suggest in order to improve your story is to remove the three love hearts at the bottom. I know they're quite significant in the story and it does represent the love between Scorpius and Albus; I just feel that it takes away the such obvious, inspiring sophistication that your story has. I think it would look more professional without them. But other than that there were no errors that occured to me, I didn't see any grammatical or spelling mistakes and it makes your fic seem a lot more polished. A really great story Liam, keep it up.

LMV

Author's Response: This review is incredible.
Just before I go into what you've said, I just want you to know how grateful I am for this, so thank you, thank you, thank you :D

Ack, where do I begin ...

I'm glad you liked the opening! Originally I was going for something big and dramatic, but slowly it turned itself into more of an emotional thing, and I have to admit I prefer it that way.

Scorpius is very vulnerable, yes. He's in a very dark place, which is understandable after such horrifying events that have just bulldozed his life.

As for Albus, I totally know what you mean. There aren't that many of this pairing out there (not that I've seen, at least) so I mainly based that off of Drarry's. Draco always seems to be the dominating one, and Scorpius is the same in the few that I've read. Albus isn't exactly domineering, but he is very protective.

Imagery created by the metaphors in this are very important, aswell. They really make the story what it is, and the frequent references to embers in the fireplace are something I wanted to make descriptive and important, so I'm glad you liked that.

Thank you so much for this epic review. It's amazing, thank you!
:D


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Review #18, by Love Made VisibleSaving Mum & Dad: Potions Class

5th February 2009:
I was quite worried at the end of the last chapter about how you were going to have Hermione react to Hayden's random outburst, but lo and behold my faith is restored. It was exactly how I imagined Hermione to react. She's not soppy and she certainly does not suffer fools, but she's not cold either - and I think you wrote her reaction extremely well. She kept her distance but she still seemed quite concerned. And I had to laugh out loud in the way that Hayden gathered himself afterwards, making that feeble attempt to flirt with her was extremely humorous. Even though this is quite an emotional, heartbreaking story I admire the way you're throwing hints of humour in here to break things up a little bit and lighten the mood, it works really well and doesn't take any of the drama out of the story at all.

Something that struck me and made me quite unsure was this: "Ginny turned around and flounced away," I'm not sure Ginny is the sort of girl that would flounce anywhere if I'm honest. I don't mean to be nit-picky but it just jumped off the page at me. But I do like how she joined a load of fifth years and walked with them to her lesson, because Ginny was an extremely pretty, popular girl and I imagined her to get along with everyone and fit in with a lot of people; therefore I liked how you added that. It's your attention to detail which I admire, these small things are what set your story apart from the other time-travelling fics.

I noticed that Hayden accidently slipped the word 'dad' in there whilst he was talking to Hermione. Wouldn't she notice that? She's extremely perceptive and I highly doubt that she would miss him referring to Draco as dad. In this chapter I just fell in love with your descriptions, they're really indepth, well written and thoroughly inspiring, keep up the good work. Your use of imagery is absolutely excellent, the scene easily unfolded in my mind and flowed like a river - wonderful. I thought it was particularly humorous when you described Slughorn's moustache as 'dancing'. Another great chapter, I'm really interested in seeing how this unfolds.

LMV

Author's Response: Hi again! Thank you again for this review! I was a bit worried how people would react to Hayden's reaction to Hermione. He's her son and he 'flirted' with her. People usually get this part wrong, like Hayden has a hidden attraction for his mother.

Yeah, I thought, too, that Ginny must've been very popular when she was a teenager. Okay, I think I'll change that word "flounce" if it bothers you. :)

Well, Hermione didn't notice it just now, but she'll be the first one who'll get suspicious about Hayden. She'd just ignored it this time, and was probably only distracted by the fact that Hayden (a Slytherin) was accompanying her to their next class, even carrying her books, that she didn't notice Hayden slipped the word 'dad' when he was talking about Draco.

Again, thank you for the wonderful review. :)


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Review #19, by Love Made VisibleSaving Mum & Dad: One Malfoy Too Many

5th February 2009:
As soon as you revealed that Hermione was the mother, I automatically assumed that Draco was the father: I always loved being right! What struck me was how well you put across Hayden's nervousness. You made him mess up his speech a little bit at the beginning, adding a few "er's" and making him falter quite a bit. I enjoyed reading it, even though it perhaps wasn't supposed to it added quite a humorous edge to it; it made him seem quite vulnerable and clumsy. I liked this side of his personality, he seemed ever so naïve and it was sweet!

Ginny was great in this chapter. When she was scanning Hayden I think it was something which she would have done, she definitely doesn't suffer fools gladly and you characterised her well, kept her canon. I think it was effective how she sent him flying aswell, and quite interesting that she assumed he was Malfoy undercover. Ginny I believe was always one to jump headfirst into situations when she doesn't know the whole story, she's an extremely headstrong, impulsive character and it would be just like her to get it completely wrong. When Hayden got his wires crossed by not realising that they thought it was his father, it once again displayed his naïvity and I thought it was a good technique.

I felt extremely sorry for Hayden when he saw what his father was like as a teenager, and the cruel way in which he treated not only his peers, but his mother. The way you characterised Draco was perfect also, just like he was in the books. The smart comments that he made were great, I could really imagine him saying them to Ginny and Hermione. His self-importance was always obvious in Jo's novels and it's equally as apparent in your novella.

One thing I found surprising was how Hayden challenged his father. He was new to that era and emotions had the better of him, he was extremely nervous and I'm not sure that it was realistic to have him challenge him like that - he didn't know how that era worked after all, did he? He didn't know what kind of person his father was like as a teenager. It was effective nonetheless, the similarities that the father and son share became extremely obvious in the way that they argued. Something else I found quite weird was that Draco walked away. It's not something he'd do with his two cronies covering his back. But perhaps he felt he didn't want to duel with a fellow Slytherin, but only you know that of course. I get the impression that during his childhood he never liked his father much? And also that he had to witness Draco make Hermione's life difficult, making her feel small exactly like he had done when he was a teenager. Am I on the right lines?

I just adore Hayden's vulernability. When he embraced Hermione I thought it was just lovely, because I could tell all the way through the chapter that he had been longing to do that. I bet Hermione thought it was very weird though! I can tell how much he loves his mother, and I'm extremely intrigued to find out what happens between them in the forthcoming chapters, and also how the relationship with his father develops, and the tragedy that is destined to happen in Ginny's life.

LMV

Author's Response: Another wonderful review, which this chapter actually didn't deserve! *wipes away tears of joy* Thank you very much for taking the time writing such a profound review!

Yeah, Hayden was quite nervous when he first met his mother. I'm glad you liked his reaction to her and Ginny. :) And yes, you're right, as a child, Hayden had witnessed his father making his mother's life difficult. But he could never do anything about it since he was very small. Now that he was the same age (and a year older) as his father, he gathered all his courage to challenge him. Of course he had no idea how Draco would react, deep inside Hayden was scared that his dad might slap him like he did when he was still a small child, but at least he had to try...(it was for his mum after all).

Draco walked away with his cronies because Hayden sort of humiliated and intimidated him with his posture: the balled fists, the fiery eyes, the determined facial expression - he was ready to fight back. Draco didn't want to mess with such a fella.

I'm glad you liked that last part, though some people think it was quite dramatic and has a touch of Oedipus complex. LOL
Thanks again for the amazing review. :D


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Review #20, by Love Made VisibleSaving Mum & Dad: Deprivation

5th February 2009:
Loved the chapter image, it's really well made. Caren did an excellent job there and I think it adds quite a nice tone to the chapter. Now then - on to the chapter content: I like how you've laid this chapter out, it's extremely well spaced out and easy to read, good job. I also found that your descriptions were perfect. The way you described the bedroom at the beginning and also the photograph; it was extremely good and I can clearly tell that you've got an extreme talent for writing. I also enjoyed reading about the portrayal of Hayden, he seems a very interesting, angsty character and I'm excited to learn more about him. Your imagery and the use of similies was fantastic, I saw the scene unfold in my head through the use of your wonderful imagery.

The second part of the story was also very good. It flowed well and the dialogue was well written, it wasn't choppy or anything like that. I believe the way you characterised Hermione was spot on, just as head-strong as she was in the books, you hit the nail on the head with the portrayal of Hermione. The only thing I'm not too sure about is the way you portrayed Ron. Yes, he hated Malfoy in the books and he jinxed him numerous times; but I never imagined him to be as agressive as you've characterised him as in the second section. And I definitely cannot see him yelling at Hermione like that, but that's just me. I know in DH he lost it but that's because he was under a tremendous amount of pressure - I'm not sure whether he'd raise his voice like that at Hermione over Malfoy. I think there was just the right amount of dialogue in this chapter, there wasn't too much that I lost interest, it kept me involved with the story throughout.

I'm not usually interested in time-travel stories, they seem quite overused and often cliche'd, but this is proving to be quite promising thus far, I like how you're mixing it up a little bit with the different sections: Hayden time-travelling to find his parents, and also the interaction between Ron and Hermione. One thing I noticed is that you've used mum and dad a lot, and it started to get quite repetitive as you used them quite close together a lot of the time. I think it would be slightly more effective if you replaced some of the mum's with mother, and dad with father. I think it would make the story flow a little better. Another thing I enjoyed is how you slipped that little detail of Draco, Crabbe and Goyle shoving Hayden into the wall, I thought that was quite effective (well I'm assuming it was those three).

"Yeah, of course you can..." Shouldn't course be in italics instead of can? I literally gasped aloud when Hayden realised that Hermione was his mother, I wasn't expecting that at all. I also thought it was extremely effective how you collided both worlds: first, you'd kept Hayden's life and Hermione's life separate, using asterisks to highlight the split between the two worlds, and then at the end they were both brought together. I thought that was a great technique. This first chapter is wonderful and definitely caught my attention.

LMV

Author's Response: I was like "OMFG What a review! Yippee yay! *tackleglomps* " Thank you very much, LMV! I'm so sorry I couldn't reply right away. But thanks for taking the time leaving a review this long. =D

I'm glad you like my OC. Half of your compliments should go to Fallstar and Bella_Portia. They helped me fix this chapter. :) And yeah, I love ALL the chapter images Caren made for me for this story, and I'm glad you like them, too. :)

Yeah, I think I see what you mean about Ron. He was a bit aggressive and I over-exaggerated his jealousy towards Malfoy a bit, and maybe made him like a control-freak. Not only in this chapter, but in the entire story, I think. I dunno... I'll try to justify his behaviour in later chapters. Thank you for letting me know. :)

Oh, I used mum and dad a lot? I'll go over this chapter and fix it right away. I didn't notice. :p

LOL No one ever commented on how effected I used asterisks to separate sections. And yeah, Hermione is Hayden's mother. He knew it from the start. :p Since Hermione had died when he was eight years old, Hayden used a Time-Travel Potion to save her, and also, to fix his parents' 'broken' relationship from the very very beginning.

I'm glad you like it so far. And thank you once again for the wonderful review. :)



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Review #21, by Love Made VisibleSongs of Calico: A Real Cool Cat

5th February 2009:
Hello again :D

This is an amazing chapter. I liked it so much I read it twice. It's so much better than the first one, and I loved the first one also. This is such an interesting story, it's kept me hooked and on the edge of my seat from the first word onwards!

Calico is great, I love him already. He's so sweet. I like you're characterisation of him also, it's lovely.

I LOVED THE DADA SCENE! GAH! BLOODY BRILLIANT!

I don't really have anything else to say about this chapter but swoon forever. Loved loved loved it.

LMV

Author's Response: Hello, hello

You read it twice? -shocked face- XD
I agree, it is a lottt better than the first chapter, things actually get moving. I'm glad you're finding it so interesting, I do my best =]

Hahaha he seems to provoke that reaction. Something about him sets off the fangirlyness of readers =p He is kind of awesome though.

Seriously? That was my first go at writing action. So...yay! haha

I can live with the swooning, in fact, I like the swooning.

Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #22, by Love Made VisibleSongs of Calico: Prologue

5th February 2009:
Hello, it's Love Made Visible from the forums replying to the request you posted on my thread.

The first thing that struck me about this story is the title, and I have to say I absolutely love it, I think it's brilliant. It's different, unique, original and doesn't give anything away, something which is really important in a story. I think if a story has a really obvious, overused name then it takes a lot away from the story. But this is something else! I love it! Draws my attention here really well. ;D

You said on the post you made on my thread that you were concerned about writing a female POV because you're a guy, well I think you did it really well. If you hadn't have mentioned that you weren't female then I'd never have known. You did it great. It seemed really natural and flowed extremely well.

This chapter is really good, it's a nice little introduction to what I believe is going to be a really promising story. I like your characterisation of your characters as well, especially Lily, I think you portrayed her excellently. Calico is also proving to be an interesting character, he's pretty awesome! Good job. :D

LMV.

Author's Response: Ahh beautiful. Wow I have no idea why I just said that. -shakes head-

It's doing its job then =] This story went through about 10 different name changes before I worked out something that fit. I completely agree with you about names, so good to know I got it right.

Yay! Can write as a girl! I think that's a good thing anyway.

Perfect, it was only supposed to be a little introduction. Giving an idea of where Lily is coming from. Oh good, I'm glad I did a decent job with her, especially as she's the main character. Kind of have to make her appealing. If you think he's awesome now, wait til later. He's like...super awesome! Haha

Thanks so much for reviewing!


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Review #23, by Love Made VisibleWeb of Lies: Haunted

5th February 2009:
Hello, I'm here for my final installment :D!

I love the fact that Astoria is not Scorpius' real mother, I think it adds a really interesting twist to the story, and for Ginny to be involved...it makes it really great. I love your imagination, I've seriously never read a story where Astoria is not Scorpius' mother, it's quite extraordinary to think about, though not at all unrealistic.

I loved Scorpius in this chapter, he's showing his true colours and how similar he is to his father. He really is a true Slytherin! (And congrats for not making him a Gryffindor wuss)!

The relationship between Draco and Astoria is extremely sad, it makes me dislike Draco a little, something which I've never really done throughout the whole series - and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it shows technique and quality of writing. It's great! I feel so sorry for Astoria as well! Poor thing...and I also feel sorry for Scorpius having to live in that sort of household, must be a rubbish childhood for him.

Once again, another promising chapter. Well done.

LMV.

Author's Response: Ginny most definately is involved, she's right up to her neck in lies lol, & i'm really glad you liked the twist. This is something that happens a lot in real life, so I didn't feel it would be unrealistic in FF, which I'm glad you agree with.

I had to put Scorpius in slytherin, I don't think he could be in any other house, he is a Malfoy after all, which I have attempted to show with his similairites to Draco.

I guess i have to feel sorry for Astoria, it's not a nice thing to be in a relationship like hers where there is nothing there at all. Draco doesn't even hate her, she's there just which is probably worse!!

Don't worry about Scorpius, with Draco as his father he's had everything he could want, he's been a very happy little boy.

I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story so much! Thanks again for reviewing and all the positive feedback!!


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Review #24, by Love Made VisibleWeb of Lies: Crazy Lady

5th February 2009:
Hello, it's me again!

This is a good chapter as well, I like it a lot. This story seems extremely promising and I'm really eager to read the next chapter.

I feel quite sorry for Astoria. It's obvious that Draco doesn't love her, and I think the way he speaks to her adds a great impact to the story and makes the reader emotionally involved a lot more, it's a great technique that you used here and I like it a lot. I always assumed that after the war he would be loving and doting towards his wife and child - yet lo and behold, you've gone for a different idea and I think it's worked here, it's great. Good job!

Ginny and Draco then eh? Now that is interesting, it caught me by surprise yet does explain the sudden interest in his life in the previous chapter. I think it adds a nice touch and a very exciting twist. I'm looking forward to the next chapter to see where this goes. The characterisation in this chapter was good, once again, kudos! It's always interesting to see how different people view the characters of the series - and your opinion seems to be quite similar to mine actually, I suppose I'm a bit biased then. ;)

Do you have a beta? If you don't I think you should consider getting one because I noticed quite a few punctuation mistakes and like I mentioned in the last review, it takes away a certain authenticity and sophistication to a story. I didn't notice any huge errors, but there were still some and I think it would be good to get them checked out.

Another good chapter, you're proving to be a very talented writer and I'm looking forward to the next chapter which I'm going to review now :D!

LMV.

Author's Response: No, Draco doesn't love her at all, & he doesn't mind showing that either, which allows me to revert to bullying Draco from Hogwarts a little in the way that he treats her.

I think Draco would definately adore his son, although because we know nothing about Astoria FF writers can make their relationship into whatever we want, and I don't like them as a couple so that makes it even more fun to write lol.

I personally adore the character of Draco, I'm quite fanatical about him, so I write him a lot, I can always find new things for him to be experiencing. & I also like to read other people's views on him.

I do have a beta, and she's really good, so it's probably just me who hasn't changed everything as instructed!! lol. I'll double check over this and see what I've missed. Thanks for letting me know there were errors.

I'm thrilled you're enjoying it so far!!


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Review #25, by Love Made VisibleWeb of Lies: Scorpius’ Memory

5th February 2009:
Hey, I'm here from the forums to reply to your request on my thread.

First of all, I liked your characterisation, that seems to be your strong point so far! I love the way you've characterised Scorpius, you've gone a different route and made him a good, normal kid - rather than make him evil and manipulative - like a lot of writers on this site have unfortunately done. I don't believe that he was evil at all. After the war, I think Draco realised his wrong-doings and changed because of it (and I certainly think he would have led his child down the opposite path as to what he was led down). Well done there, I like your style. :)

Another thing I've noticed is the relationship between Scorpius and Astoria, it's very interesting and once again I congratulate you for going down a different road and do something unique. I have my theories about their relationship...;D

Your grammar and spelling is also a strong point of yours, I think when grammar and spelling is a bit iffy then it takes away the sophistication of a story, and so far I think this story seems extremely well-written and sophisticated. Good job!

This is a really promising start, I'm interested to see where this story is going to go. I'm off to read and review the next chapter! Thanks a lot for requesting!

LMV.

Author's Response: I'm glad you mentioned the characterisation of Scorpius, I don't read next gen, so I have no idea how other people percive him, and I decided not to read any before starting this story as I didn't want to fall into the trap of stereotyping him.

I'm really pleased that you feel the story is going down a different road to most concerning the Malfoy's after the war. I don't like the pairing of Draco/Astoria so I again have no idea how people write her either.

my spelling is ok, but my grammar is dreadful lol, so I have a wonderful beta who sorts that out for me.

I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter, thanks very much for all the positive comments!


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