Yay! An update! I hate how infrequently I leave you a review, to be honest I'm not sure if I ever have, but I follow your fic intensely and am always waiting for an update. I love this piece so much. I think you've nailed everything on the head, from the characters, to the plot, to the structuring (which I absolutely love), and keeping it canon. I admire you for this piece immensely. I absolutely love it, so please do not ever stop!
Author's Response: A review is a review and for that I am grateful!! I'm bowled over that you follow the fic and wait for new updates -- it's really surreal hearing that. I'm so so glad that you enjoy this story and this chapter. The structure was something I had been keen to try well before it even occurred to me to write about George and Angelina, so I'm glad it ended up suiting the story so well.
Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy it!! Report Review
Hm. I want to know whats going on with all the mystery! I am really really enjoying this so much!
I Am so glad you thought of this story line. Its so different and unique, who thought the great Harry Potter's children and nieces and nephews could be thieves?! Its so interesting to read!
I love it!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it. I was worried it might be enitrely too OOC for people to like it... but maybe because it's so OOC that people do? :P
Thanks for the review, and you'll have to keep reading if you want to find out about the mystery! :D Report Review
I love this even more now, and I didn't think that was possible! I love the intrigue of the mysterious phone call. I can't wait to find out who it was.
You writing is very good! I enjoy everything and anything you say has a purpose. There isn't anything unnecessary or tedious. But there are still adequate details and descriptions, you've just found the perfect balance for which i commend you, it is a difficult thing to do!
Your characters are wonderful, though I have to admit I can't really remember each of their bios/jobs from the opening of the previous chapter. It doesn't seem to hinder me in reading this, and it was a lot of information all at once so, I'm sure I'm not the only one. I wish I could remember each person's specific area of expertise, but its not that big of a deal!
Good job! I cannot wait to read on!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Ach, don't worry, I forget who is who. I know Rose, Lysander, Lorcan and James for sure... the rest I have to look up :P
Thanks, this story is fairly challenging to write- I want to make it action-packed, but there are always things that need to be said.
Hopefully I shall have the next chapter up before you get to the end of the story! Thanks so much for the review xx Report Review
OMG, I am so glad I read this! I absolutely love this so far! You can expect me to probably read more than the 2 more chapters I will be reviewing for your challenge prize!
This is such an original idea for next-gen, which is something I'm always looking for! This is really exciting me! I think its great the way you started the story with this introduction chapter. We met all the main characters and saw the main plot of the story. It obviously pulled me in! And it got me super excited too!
I think your writing was really good, and I am super excited to read more!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: YAYAYAYAYAYAY!
SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT! I have ensnared another into my evil story-trap... mwa ha ha ha ha ha... *cough*
I'm glad you thought it was original, and that the starting bit was interesting- I was worried people would see it and evaporate from boredom :D
Thanks for the review! :D Report Review
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get to your review for second place in my challenge! I feel awful! I am planning to get them all done by the end of the weekend at the latest!
Now, on to this lovely piece! This was beautifully written! Your details and descriptions were amazing and I felt as if I were there with her. I never thought of the state of the world when Lucius and Narcissa got married, and the possibility that Lucius only joined Voldemort to for safety reasons. It makes sense, though I'm not sure if I want to believe that Lucius isn't all that bad after all. Haha.
Usually a fic with a lack of dialogue drags for me. I have difficulty reading everything and I usually skim, but that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do with this piece! I wanted to devour every bit and for it to continue on forever. Great job!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Don't worry about it- RL can be evil sometimes :D
I'm glad you like it, and that you really identified with Narcissa :) It was a challenge to write, but I'm glad it came through.
I personally believe that Lucius and Narcissa were entirely bent on self-preservation when they joined the Death Eaters. If they thought the Order would win, then I'm sure they would have squashed any blood-purity ideals they had and would have joined the Order. I wanted to reflect that in this- hopefully by making Lucius seem pretty spineless and reflecting Narcissa's doubt in his choice.
Lack of dialouge usually makes me want to vom too, so I paragraphed loads to make it all broken up and not one massive chunk of text! Glad you liked the way it read :)
Thanks for such a lovely review :D Report Review
This definitely held my interest from the first chapter, and it lived up to/past my expectations. Oh my gosh, I wish the next chapter was posted though! I want to know who Teddy actually cares for. Though he seems extremely confused himself, so I can see this being quite a long fic in order for him to really sort out his feelings.
I had a small problem with your characters in this chapter. Bill and Fleur seemed very OOC. First of all Fleur had no accent, but that isn't too big of a deal. Secondly, I would never expect her to call her own daughter a slut. I can see her blaming only Dominique, and not Teddy at all, but agreeing with Victoire that she's a slut was a bit much for my liking. As for Bill, I always though he was the strong and silent type. Like he wouldn't blow up, but be the one to suggest that we all just sit down and calmly talk about this. But I'm not sure if that's at all supported by the books, it could just be my image of him.
Another thing is your use of capitals. I think you overuse them, and then they lose their meaning.
I think you are really good at dialogue. Whether I agree with what your characters were saying or not, the dialogue itself flowed very nicely. And you obviously have a knack for drama! haha
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Thanks for such a helpful review! Yeah, I actually have a few chapters of this story written, but I wrote them quickly and a long time ago, so I've got plenty of editing to do before they're posted.
Ah, next-gen parents! I swear, those are the hardest characters for me to write, even harder than the Trio in Hogwarts! Thank you so much for your characterization feedback...I know what you mean about Fleur's accent...I originally wrote it with an accent, but found that it was difficult to understand, so I got frustrated and scrapped it. I'm definitely going to review characterization for this chapter :)
Thank you so very much! Report Review
Hi there! Sorry its taken me so long to get you your reviews for the challenge! I've decided to review this fic since its currently 2 chapters exactly! And it sounds really interesting! I was really intrigued by the summary!
Wow! What a start! This seems like it is going to be a very interesting story! I cannot wait to see what happens ing the next chapter.
There were some places through out where the wording was really awkward. Most of the time, your language felt too formal to be describe such a calm and laid back scene. Rereading this out loud might help you to catch some of those places and find more natural sounding alternatives.
I am off to read and review the next chapter!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! And for holding your contest - I had a lot of fun completing it!
Thank you for your feedback on my word choice - I'm definitely going to reread and edit these dialogues...I like your tip of reading the dialogues out loud...I'm going to try that, since dialogue is always something I find kind of difficult.
Thank you! Report Review
Wow. That was intense. I do not like how Draco and Hermione are yelling so much in front of their daughters. Children learn everything from their parents and something like that at such a young age could be very impressionable. And it just sets a standard for Hermione and Draco. Hermione is seeming extremely OOC to me. Draco, I can't really pinpoint whether or not I like him, but he;s okay in terms of characterization.
I think you've really got the realism down. That is really a strong part for you when it comes to writing. You write things that are real!
I loved ROn coming back. I think his and Hermione's relationship is so intriguing!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Intense indeed my dear(: I'm sorry you don't like it. I don't know what else to say to your comment:P
Thanks! Erh...Ron...and thats all I have to say about that.
Ever Report Review
Interesting. Very interesting. Were Harry and Ginny acting weird because they invited Ron? Do they like Draco?
I really like that you had this little disagreement between Draco and Hermione. Again, it was very realistic. And I can understand both of their sides.
I think you should remember that they are Wizards. Why are they drinking beer? Why not Firewhisky or Butterbeer? I think your fic looses a bit of the wizarding world in it sometimes. There are just a few too many Muggle things for me. But I'm a J.K. Rowling purist, so I always think there aren't enough Wizard references!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Interesting! Well,interesting is good!
Me too, yet I side with Draco. Of curse, I'm not a Ron fan.
Hm...I don't know! I'm just a bit too rednecked american.sigh!
Ever Report Review
I never ever want to have kids. Never! I don't care how cute and cuddly they look, they are too much work! haha. It seems like you might have a lot of experience with babies from reading this. It all seemed horribly real.
I cannot believe Draco left Hermione with the babies for that long. I'm sorry but he is not a good father or husband. Hermione better tell him so, and I hope he gets his act together.
I see you responded about having had your chapters beta'd and just haven't updated them, if I were you I'd get on that. No offense, but this chapter was riddled with even more typos and silly spacing errors than the last two. It was a bit annoying to be perfectly honest.
I liked the point of view change, but Draco's POV seemed a bit rushed. It was just kind of like you were going over the events that happened, and weren't trying to invite your reader into his story. Also, the change from one POV to the other was a bit awkward. I think that the best way to change POVs is to have each chapter be a single person, and change it between chapters. Just a thought!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Me neither! I get you there! I really don't... I was terribly young when my siblings were born so I only have a couple months of babysitting under my belt. But I remember those long nights quite vividly.
He isn't! But he will be better! Because I can't stand him like this!
I am sorry.
Yes! That is so hard! I need to work on it!
Ever Report Review
I'm really really enjoying this more and more! I am so glad you wrote this piece! I adore it!
Here's my theory, but I don't think its all too plausible so I actually hope that I am wrong. Rose is actually having Lysander's baby, she thought she was with Lorcan, but them being twins and all (at least thats how most people write them, I don't recall if you actually mentioned if they were twins) she was under the wrong impression of who she was sleeping with. That or Lysander already knows that Rose is pregnant with his brother's baby and he's just worried about that in general. I find that to be more believable. The whole mixing up the twins enough to sleep with the wrong one I find unrealistic. Identical twins can almost always be told apart fairly easily by those whom know them moderately well. Or Lysander might know that Al's gay. Wow, lots of possibilities! But anyways...
About those dreams. To be honest I was throughly confused. I couldn't tell if they were supposed to be old memories coming back as dreams or just complete imagination. Also, they made me wonder, exactly how old is everyone? Like how many years out of Hogwarts is Lily? I'm sorry if you mentioned this in an earlier chapter, I just don't remember. And back to the dreams, I feel as if they are going to be playing a role later on. Maybe its going to be a theme, Al having these crazy dreams. I'm not quite sure what they could mean, but its an interesting addition to your story line. You really have a lot going on here!
I hope that you have more Al/Scor soon, even if its just Al pining after Scor or remembering the good old days of being friends at Hogwarts.
I cannot wait for another chapter! Please update soon!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Okay. Lorcan is the father of the kid, not Lysander, although that would be rather amusing. Far fetched but amusing.
I know they were a little confusing, but I had to put them in when I wrote them. The first one of him and Scorpius was an old memory. The other one wasn't.
Alright, let's see. Al, Scorpius, and Rose have been out of Hogwarts for three years. Lysander, Lorcan, and James have been out of Hogwarts for four years, and Lily and Hugo have been out of Hogwarts for one year. Does that help?
Thank you. :) Report Review
Aw, that was so sad. I can definitely tell that Harry Potter wasn't your inspiration for this, and it is probably better off as a piece of Other Fiction, but it was well written and I did enjoy reading it all the same. There were some issues I had with it, like why would Ginny and Harry's daughter have blonde hair? And I'd really like to know what would have happened to James and Albus in this situation. Were they equally torn up over their sister's death? Or were they too young to understand?
I think you have a great writing ability, and if you want to continue to post on this site try some real fanfiction. If you need inspiration, the challenges on the forums are all ways a great place to start, even if you don't officially enter one, just seeing other ideas can spark something!
I think a strong suit of yours is writing emotions. I could really feel Ginny's anguish in this and I really felt for her. And not just her, but also for how helpless everyone else must feel in trying to comfort her.
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Thank you so much.
I have just posted a real hpff but it's not very good, I just wanted something to start off with so I decided to make this slightly like a HPFF. About Lily having blond hair, I just forgot to change that but I'll go and do that now, thanks for pointing that out.
James and Albus are... well I don't really know, sometimes when I'm writting I just sort of write something to suit what I'm writting, if that makes any sense. So I not really sure what happened to them.
Anyway thanks for reviewing, it really made my day!!! Report Review
This chapter was fairly predictable, but that's a good thing! I found it really realistic. I find Hermione and Draco's relationship to be intriguing. I really cannot wait to read more and see how their life as parents goes!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Is it? Well...thats good I suppose!:D Thats great to hear! Thanks for the review!
Ever Report Review
I loved the memory you used to open this chapter! It really set the scene. I do wonder though how Draco could so easily take their relationship out of hiding after he was just defending his actions, and almost called Hermione a mud-blood.
I think getting a beta could be really helpful to you. You've got a lot of typos. Most of them are odd spacing issues, so it just might be an issue of formatting when posting the chapter. Nothing that makes reading this difficult, but they are very noticeable. Having another person read over your work can really help a lot. I know that personally, no matter how many times I read my own writing I miss things, and a beta usually catches those things for me!
This sounds like its going to be a really cute fic. I am excited to see how Hermione and Draco handle being parents.
I cannot wait to read more! You've got a really good start to this here.
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: :D Thanks! Hmmm...maybe I should edit it and add that in? I just assumed readers would pick up their own reason! haha
I have one, I swear! I just haven't posted her polished versions yet!:/ I should probably do that!
Ever Report Review
This is Dramione? Oh wow, I'm surprised I didn't see that coming.
I'm really surprised though by your portrayal of Hermione. She is much too OOC for my likes. I would think that Hermione is strong enough to still be the same person after finding this out. That she would be just as determined as before to help Harry defeat Voldemort and she would not let the fact that he is her father affect her. But that's why they call this FanFiction huh? haha.
In terms of pace, this chapter was much better than the last. It worked well. You slowly went through what was going on. There was a lot of dialogue though. A bit more of what Hermione was thinking and feeling could have been a nice tough to let the read in more.
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I'll keep that in mind when I edit it. I don't see her as OOC because I read many Dramonie fics where this is her personality and I've only read the books once because They are too expensive for me to own and my library never has them. When I go through this again, I'll consider what about Hermione is OOC and attempt to change it. Thank you for your insight. I enjoyed participating in your challenge. Report Review
Wow, that was so very unexpected. You really took this secret to a new level. When I first read the secret it seemed like one of the more trivial ones, not one of the ones that seemed life changing, but you proved me wrong which I enjoyed! I really like to see the secret played out in ways I don't imagine myself. It's really interesting to see another person's interpretation.
I think this need a bit of work on grammar. Have you tried getting a beta? I think having a beta could really help this out. They could help you with simple grammatical errors, but also with some of the flow issues I noticed. You gave your reader a lot of information in just about 500 words. Its a lot to comprehend so quickly. You could have had a chapter in which we learn only about Hermione's eavesdropping, and maybe see some examples on a smaller scale. Then the second chapter could have gotten into this incident.
I really do find this story to be intriguing, and I cannot wait to read more!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Thanks. I know about getting a beta, but I never do for a challenge because typically they are less then 10 chapters, i also wrote this one without Microsoft word. I will go through and edit it again. I'm glad that you liked it, I knew that the secret I had could be made into something more so I decided to. Report Review
Yay! A happy (ish) ending! I am really glad that Brynlee is in a good place now and that her friends are there for her through it all.
I think this was a great interpretation of the postcard you got, it wasn't at all what I had thought of when I read that postcard. But that is why I loved posting this challenge so much! Everyone was inspired in such different ways from their postcards.
I hope you enjoyed the challenge, I really enjoyed reading your entry!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I swear I responded to this 0.0
Anyway, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I'm glad I managed to finish a story!:D Report Review
Wow, a ton just happened! That was not at all what I was expecting, but that's probably my fault for not even reading your summary first. haha.
I really enjoyed this! It was really interesting. It did feel a bit rushed, but I like the plot line of this a lot! I think splitting this into two chapter could be really beneficial for the story. You could have the whole background part first. With him dating Laura and such, but then save the fact that Al is gay and his break up Laura for a second chapter. That way you'd have more time to really delve into the awkwardness of his and Laura's relationship, which could be quite interesting and humorous. It would also allow you to slow down and really describe the scene. Show us, don't tell us, as my English Professor says.
Is this just a one-shot? Or is it a short story? I can't tell if this is the end or if there is more to come. I definitely see the use of your assigned postcard from my challenge there at the end. I think this really works well with your secret!
I hope you enjoyed the challenge! The results will be posted in the Challenges Hall of Fame thread, and the winners will be PM'd on the forums! Good luck! If you have more chapters to post I'll definitely keep a look out for them and leave you reviews as soon as possible!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Haha, this was not what I was expecting to write when I first saw my secret, so that makes two surprised people. haha.
This is intended to be a short story: three chapters actually, though they're currently fighting with me and don't want to turn out the way I want them to (chapters 2 and 3 that is).
Yeah, I really felt like I kind of packed a lot into a relatively short chapter: I'm considering splitting it up/editing so it seems to flow a bit better. I like your idea of his awkward relationship with Laura taking a larger part in the first chapter: that could definitely be really hilarious if I could do it right!
Overall, I'm super glad you liked it, and thanks for taking the time to create the contest, read my entry, and give me such lovely constructive feedback!! Report Review
Aw that was so bittersweet. I go back and forth on Dramione, and whether or not I like it, but I think it worked really well for this piece.
You wrote this so beautifully! I really enjoy all the description through out, especially when Hermione is on the beach at the beginning. It was really well written.
I have so many questions from this! And good questions, because you've really got me thinking since I enjoyed reading this so much. I want to know how good of a front she puts up, like can Ron tell she isn't happy with him? And what would Ron do if he did know? If he found this letter? I just want more! haha
The challenge results will be posted in the Challenges Hall of Fame thread, and the winners will be PM'd on the forums! Good luck! I hope you enjoyed my challenge! I really loved reading your entry!
Great job! I wish I had some actual constructive criticism for you, but this was really good!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Oh,hello(:Awesome! I love Dramione, so I just had to!
Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear this, I was pretty worried about it!
Awwwh(: I really want to be able to answer your questions with another one-shot corresponding with this...and it's been requested I do that, but I haven't had a plunny, and the last thing I want to do is ruin this with a bad corresponding piece.
I cannot wait to see the results! I really did enjoy it--it was great fun! I'm not sure where the challenges hall of fame is, but I'll find it:D I really anticipate seeing the results!
Thanks for the review!
Ever Report Review
To be perfectly honest, that was one fast turn around. I know that she realizes it will take time for her to be completely better, but still.
Some of the characters seemed a bit choppy and formal in their speech. These are teenagers, they don't spell every little thing out. I think they, particularly Remus, should be a bit more to the point when speaking. Though the things he meant made a lot of sense. I really think you understand him well.
I found it a bit odd the McGonagall and Pomfrey would speak to Bryn about such serious and personal things in front of James, Sirius, and Remus. I would have thought they would have waited until she was feeling a bit better first, and definitely brought her into a private room. I am glad though that you had the school get involved. I think that is extremely realistic and important.
Just one Nitpicky thing, you used your oftentimes when you should have used you're. A good way to remember which to use is to speak the sentence out loud and replace your/you're with "you are". If it makes sense then you should use you're, if it doesn't make sense as "you are" then your is the way to go!
I think this story is progressing nicely in terms of plot, but the pace is very fast. It might just be because I want to read more and don't want it to end so quickly!
Thanks for making me realize I can enjoy a Marauders Era fic!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Okay to start this off, I want to get the Your/You're thing. I know! It bothers me! I'm always getting them mixed up! I'll edit that and get it fixed up...
Now onto the whole speedy thing... I know it seems a little fast that she realizes she wants the help, but she's been battling with it for a little while and all through the story, she's regretted what she's done, and now Remus telling her that he loves her, and telling her it was stupid, means a lot to her. When the one you love tells you they love you and they want you to stop hurting yourself, you find this urge to stop. Suddenly you have so much more will to stop.
Now why they mentioned this in front of the boys. I have a little reasoning behind all that. Peer Pressure. Only reversed slightly. Bryn is so close to those boys, and the teachers have witnessed it over the years, I've mentioned a few times that James and Sirius are like her brothers and that Remus is in love with her. McGonagall and Pomfrey, wanted the boys to be there because they have such a close relationship, and sometimes telling the one's closest helps.
And the pace is fast because it's a short story... Maybe I might start a novel with Bryn and maybe delve into her past and go through this period a little slower... Because I have grown rather attached to my Bryn. Report Review
And the plot thickens! Haha. Not that this was funny or anything. I'm just a bit loopy right now.
So, I liked this chapter. I enjoyed the ending bit here, how Remus and Sirius were brought into the story. And you confirmed why I think he broke up with her. It was approaching the full moon and he was hesitant about not being good enough for her. I'm not surprised, its the exact same thing he went through with Tonks later on in life.
I really feel for Brynlee. Her sadness really caught me in this chapter, more so than in the previous one. I just want Remus to hug her and ask her whats wrong and make it all better. I really just wish there was an easy fix for something this serious, but I realize that there isn't.
I am really excited to read the next chapter, I hope Lee is okay. And I'm so glad that you were able to get the fifth chapter into the queue already! I cannot wait to see how you wrap this up!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Thanks, and I completely understand the whole being excited over the thickened plot, even if it's not in the nicest way.
Yeah, you were right about the Remus thing. I had to show the moon and the wolf thing. It really shows why Remus was so concerned... I'd hinted at it last chapter, by the fact he looked tired but I wasn't sure how many people picked up on it..
Anyway, on to responding to your next review ;)
This is really hard to give constructive criticism on. It is a very mature and touchy subject and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I feel as if you portrayed the emotions really well, but some parts seemed a bit off.
I know that there are awful parents out there in the world, but to write that in a letter that could be possibly intercepted seems a bit unlikely to me.
The fact that Brynlee (or Lee as I'd like to call her) cuts and purges is extremely serious. It's a lot for one person. I think that her physical reactions, though saddening, make sense, her thoughts seem a bit off to me.
I've never gone through anything like this, nor do I know of anyone close to me who has, so I am not one to judge the situation, but I do find some parts to not feel exactly right.
Besides the serious stuff, did Remus break up with her because of his "furry little problem"? That makes complete sense for him, especially if its approaching the full moon and he's regretting asking her out and possibly endangering her. Noble Remus. I hope Lily or James or Sirius can convince him to get back together with Lee.
I hope what I have said makes sense, and that you don't find it to be a flame. It was my honest opinion, and please feel free to ignore and or all parts of it. Good job though in tackling such an intense topic.
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I get where your coming from there... I do.
Now how you said you don't know anyone like this, I do, Minus the eating disorder, that is a reflection on how i feel about myself sometime. The cutting as they're experiencing it, they are confusing and keep contradicting themselves, which I was trying to get across in her thoughts, she wants to feel better, but at the same time, this is how she feels better, If you get what I'm saying.
And thank you on the whole good job thing, i can honestly say that, writing the tough parts comes so easy because of some of the things my friend will say, and some of the feelings I may have had in the past. I feel that writing this story, actually makes me feel better about myself and I hope that other girls and boys out there, will find that this story shows them that they truly are amazing. Report Review
This is a really interesting start. I already see the postcard you were assigned in this. To be perfectly honest, I feel that this chapter alone fulfills the challenge requirements, but I'm still excited to read more!
Not much happened here, there is obviously a lot of background information that your reader will need to be caught up on soon, but it was still interesting. You left me with a lot of questions, in a good way. I want to know what her parents said and such. In other words I want to continue reading which is always an accomplishment with the first chapter.
I think that you are really good at getting your point/the story across in writing. Many people struggle with word choice and things like that, but everything was very clear. This makes it easier to read, but I think your writing is missing something. It is missing some sort of nuance to it. Something that makes it more than just the facts of a story. You could use a few more descriptions through out.
Overall I thought this was a really nice piece to read and I am so glad you entered my challenge! I hope you found it inspiring! The results will be posted in the Challenges Hall of Fame thread, and the winners with be PM'd on the forums! Good luck! You'll see more reviews from me soon on the next few chapters!
Quick question, how long is this piece going to be?
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I am so glad you liked it! I think it is a great story myself and I love where it is going. I'm glad you like my writing, Thats a huge compliment for me :)
And I believe the story will be five chapters, only two more to get up! May The Odds Ever Be In My Favor ;) Report Review
Aw, that was super sweet! I love how it wasn't completely cliched and she didn't get all of her memories back.
I'll be honest, I'm still a bit confused about how the first chapter opened. I'm assuming now that it definitely was at the scene of the accident, but why were there wizard nurses or whomever there? They were asking her questions about the magical world in the middle of the street? Because the "live one" comment means they weren't at Mungos yet. I do think I understand the outfits though! It was witches failing at dressing like a muggle nurse I'm assuming. I think that a really clever touch, and a rewriting of that first section would make all that a lot clearer and allow people to enjoy those little nuances, like the muggle outfits.
Again, this was so fluffy and sweet! It was a great way to end this story. You really built up to this moment, it was slightly predictable, but I didn't mind one bit!
I think that you could be better off ending this a bit earlier. I do love the last line, but the whole last section about what happens was unnecessary and felt a bit cliche. We don't need to know that they lived happily ever after. Ending it at "He loves me anyway." I think would be brilliant! But that's just me!
Greta job with this piece! And I really like how you took the postcard and interpreted it into this wonderful story! I hope you had fun with it all!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I hope I answered all your questions regarding the first chapter in my last response, but if not, I've also PMed you on the forums :)
I'm afraid I'm a sucker for a cliche, but I wanted to give Molly and Leigh closure whilst not falling into; 'and she got her memories back and they lived together in happy butterfly land.'
I had so much fun writing this, thank you very much for posting a wonderful challenge! :)
-starryskies55 Report Review
Wow, I really like where you took this in this chapter.
I am so conflicted right now. I'm glad that Molly's learning to live without all her memories, and it seems like she might not even need to get them beck, but I feel so sorry for Percy and Audrey. I can't imagine how awful it must be for your own child to not recognize you, and then for that child to completely change.
I think the quality of your writing was very high in this chapter! Everything was very clear, and there were no grammar issues besides one typo that I saw.
There is still so much I want to know though! Like who is this guy? How did her accident happen? What was going on when the first chapter started? I'm kind of disoriented about that, was that the accident itself happening? Because originally I thought St. Mungo's had been attacked or something then. And what was with the healers' outfits?
I think, depending on your answer to the last bit there, the opening of the first chapter could do with a re-write. Its a bit unclear, and the writing doesn't measure up to the rest of the story. I think you are a really good writer and should showcase that through out.
Whew, that's a lot, and not even everything! I hope the next chapter has a lot of answers! I am anxiously awaiting them!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: The first chapter was supposed to be set in a ward at Mungo's; a ward specifically for coma patients. The healer outfits were supposed to gel with the films' portrayal of them. Madam Pomfrey was dressed in WW2 nurses clothes, so I made the older nurse reflect that, while dressing the younger nurse in more modern, up-to-date clothes. Also, in the last chapter Molly tells us that she 'was involved in an accident with a bus a month ago, and... woke up two weeks ago.' and I also specified that she woke up in a 'long white hospital ward, surrounded by sleeping patients' so I hope that clears up any confusion :)
It was quite hard to try and find a balance between Percy and Audrey being glad that they had Molly back and them being upset that she was different, but I hope that I made it work.
I answered your review backwards... :/ Thank you! :) Report Review
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