Reading Reviews From Member: baletgir
421 Reviews Found

Review #1, by baletgirThe Last Time: Chapter 5.

28th July 2015:
Wait that's the end!?!?! Darn it, now I need to find something else! But great story, I really enjoyed it. Dramione can be really unbelievable and plain ridiculous, I appreciate how real this was and how believable it was. Great job, I'm off to your author page to see what else you've written.


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Review #2, by baletgirThe Last Time: Chapter 4.

28th July 2015:
So I've been an HPFF member for AGES! And I go through phases. I was a committed member for a number of years after DH, but real life gets in the way and such. When I need an escape, I come back, and it's always a fun adventure to find out what stories are currently popular, see what has been updated ( and sadly what has been abandoned that I was following) but I always start something new when I "come back" to HPFF. I choose your fic this time (about 2 weeks ago I returned) and I am really happy I found this fic. It's really interesting, and I keep checking for updates, and I love how quickly you're updating! I definitely see myself sticking around for awhile, if only to see your fic through. So thank you for writing this and for continuing it no matter how many reviews you have. Just remember someone is always reading (and someone is always waiting).


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Review #3, by baletgirUnexpected Parenthood: Chapter Fifty: Epilogue

27th November 2014:

So it being a Holiday and me hating holidays and family, I went on a reading spree- as in I read all 50 chapters in the last 24 hours. Now I'll be honest I read Chapters 1 & 2 about 2 weeks ago and stopped because I just wasn't thrilled with the quality of your writing to be honest. I liked the story line, but it just wasn't coming across well to me.

Now, I gave it another chance yesterday, and while the writing didn't really grow on me, I did enjoy the storyline enough to not care as much as I had originally. That being said, this story needs some serious editing. Is English your first language? There are some nuances through out the were off, such as sayings that were a bit backwards or mis-worded, and there were sentences, that while they made sense, they weren't all that eloquent. Now, I am American, so if you are British, some of the issues I had might have been the differences in the languages, but I'm pretty aware of most of the differences between British English and American English.

There were parts that were just clunky and heavy. Over telling almost. For example, when Scorpius was introduced as "my best gay friend that isn't actually gay" it could have been a smoother introduction, the reader doesn't need the whole explanation then and there, maybe have her say "My best gay friend!" and then have Scorpius say "When will you ever stop considering me gay?!" or "Will you ever let that go?" and then later in the story when you brought it up again you could give the background to the statement (and leave it as an interesting thing in the back of your readers' minds).

Again, I liked the story, and you had some good hints through out- I guessed pretty early that Dom and Scorpius were hooking up, but you kept me second guessing myself as well.

Again, I recommend an in depth edit, I'd be happy to help if you're interested (I'm baletgir on the forums as well).

Loved the plot, it just needs some finishing touches! Also, can you label the stories that are sequels/companions in their summaries? a lot of the fics on your author page sound like they might relate, but I'm not sure.

Author's Response: Hi baletgir,

50 chapters in a day, you're crazy haha. I started writing this two years ago so compared to later chapters, my writing has obviously changed. The first few chapters even I aren't that fond of now and I've edited them but still to me, they're still a bit weird to re-read.

Thank you for giving it another chance, this story is my baby as it's my longest to date and as I said I had been writing it for two years so it played a bit part of life in that time. I have done edits numerous times and I myself am happy with things, so I'm sorry you feel that way. English is my native Language but as I live in Wales (part of the UK) we do have slightly different English dialect to those in England. I say certain things different to those in England so that might perhaps have something to do with things.

I admit it's possible they could and I may go back over and revise that chapter now you've pointed it out, but to me when I was writing it, it sounded fine. I'm still doing edits now on later chapters so I shall look back at that chapter.

Thank you! This story has been my baby and I love it so much, haha. There were definitely hints, haha and when I wrote them I wondered how quick people would pick up on then. I'm glad you got them pretty early, haha. There were things to keep you guessing along the way.

Thank you for the offer, dear. I've nearly finished edits now but I will keep it in mind if I do change my mind. I have the same penname on the forums too, if you want to find me or have any questions.

So far there are three stories which link to this one. 'Heat of the Moment' which is Teddy/Victoire and in my eyes how they get together. 'When Your Whole World Comes Crashing Down' is Rose/Scorpius and is about how they became friends, got into a relationship and then broke up. And recently I've just put up 'Catastrophe Waiting To Happen' which is a continuation of Dom/Scorpius from the epilogue of this. I can't always fit it into the summary, but there are Author's notes, stating that they link to this if that helps.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Sophie :)

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Review #4, by baletgirDizzy: Dizzy

3rd August 2014:
Hi AdinaPuff,

I am thrilled that you were so inspired and wrote this so quickly!

I like how it was character driven and that you focused on 2 people, usually any more than 2 backstories in a chapter confuses me (I have a bad memory). Now I'm a little confused, is Sweets her actual name? Or is it a nickname? Either way, I like it, just wondering.

So you mentioned that one would see Sweets in your NaNo, does that mean that this exact part will be incorporated? If so, I think its a lovely piece that really gives nice fluff about your characters and lets the reader see how the interact. But if it is meant to be completely stand alone, I feel it needs a little more. It definitely was fluffy, so I'm not saying it needed a conflict, but just a bit more than (really good) character development. For example, I thought Freddie was going to propose when he got down on his knees joking, but then I realized that they were already married, so couldn't happen. Maybe making this scene their engagement would give it more purpose.

Overall, it would be a great filler chapter/section, and I really enjoyed reading this. I would love to learn more about sweets! And btw, I love the fact that Freddie seems to be in charge/owner of the Joke shop.

Thanks again for entering the challenge!

Author's Response: Hi!

Thanks so much for the kind review. It was just a fluffy fun piece, wasn't really meant to have too much substance. The focus was her pregnancy, and her preparing herself to tell him. You know? But I understand when you say it needs more.



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Review #5, by baletgirWith All Things: George, December 1999

29th July 2014:
Update please. pretty please?

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Review #6, by baletgirWith All Things: Angelina, April 1996

26th November 2012:
Yay! An update! I hate how infrequently I leave you a review, to be honest I'm not sure if I ever have, but I follow your fic intensely and am always waiting for an update. I love this piece so much. I think you've nailed everything on the head, from the characters, to the plot, to the structuring (which I absolutely love), and keeping it canon. I admire you for this piece immensely. I absolutely love it, so please do not ever stop!

Author's Response: A review is a review and for that I am grateful!! I'm bowled over that you follow the fic and wait for new updates -- it's really surreal hearing that. I'm so so glad that you enjoy this story and this chapter. The structure was something I had been keen to try well before it even occurred to me to write about George and Angelina, so I'm glad it ended up suiting the story so well.

Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy it!!

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Review #7, by baletgirHonour Among Thieves: a fight, injuries, and the failure of a plan

7th April 2012:
Hm. I want to know whats going on with all the mystery! I am really really enjoying this so much!

I Am so glad you thought of this story line. Its so different and unique, who thought the great Harry Potter's children and nieces and nephews could be thieves?! Its so interesting to read!

I love it!

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. I was worried it might be enitrely too OOC for people to like it... but maybe because it's so OOC that people do? :P

Thanks for the review, and you'll have to keep reading if you want to find out about the mystery! :D

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Review #8, by baletgirHonour Among Thieves: some rain, a traitor and nothing going to plan.

5th April 2012:
I love this even more now, and I didn't think that was possible! I love the intrigue of the mysterious phone call. I can't wait to find out who it was.

You writing is very good! I enjoy everything and anything you say has a purpose. There isn't anything unnecessary or tedious. But there are still adequate details and descriptions, you've just found the perfect balance for which i commend you, it is a difficult thing to do!

Your characters are wonderful, though I have to admit I can't really remember each of their bios/jobs from the opening of the previous chapter. It doesn't seem to hinder me in reading this, and it was a lot of information all at once so, I'm sure I'm not the only one. I wish I could remember each person's specific area of expertise, but its not that big of a deal!

Good job! I cannot wait to read on!

Author's Response: Ach, don't worry, I forget who is who. I know Rose, Lysander, Lorcan and James for sure... the rest I have to look up :P

Thanks, this story is fairly challenging to write- I want to make it action-packed, but there are always things that need to be said.

Hopefully I shall have the next chapter up before you get to the end of the story! Thanks so much for the review xx

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Review #9, by baletgirHonour Among Thieves: an introduction, a party and the beginnings of a plan

5th April 2012:
OMG, I am so glad I read this! I absolutely love this so far! You can expect me to probably read more than the 2 more chapters I will be reviewing for your challenge prize!

This is such an original idea for next-gen, which is something I'm always looking for! This is really exciting me! I think its great the way you started the story with this introduction chapter. We met all the main characters and saw the main plot of the story. It obviously pulled me in! And it got me super excited too!

I think your writing was really good, and I am super excited to read more!

Author's Response: YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT! I have ensnared another into my evil story-trap... mwa ha ha ha ha ha... *cough*

I'm glad you thought it was original, and that the starting bit was interesting- I was worried people would see it and evaporate from boredom :D

Thanks for the review! :D

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Review #10, by baletgirBroken Hearts: Safe and Sound

3rd April 2012:
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get to your review for second place in my challenge! I feel awful! I am planning to get them all done by the end of the weekend at the latest!

Now, on to this lovely piece! This was beautifully written! Your details and descriptions were amazing and I felt as if I were there with her. I never thought of the state of the world when Lucius and Narcissa got married, and the possibility that Lucius only joined Voldemort to for safety reasons. It makes sense, though I'm not sure if I want to believe that Lucius isn't all that bad after all. Haha.

Usually a fic with a lack of dialogue drags for me. I have difficulty reading everything and I usually skim, but that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do with this piece! I wanted to devour every bit and for it to continue on forever. Great job!

Author's Response: Don't worry about it- RL can be evil sometimes :D

I'm glad you like it, and that you really identified with Narcissa :) It was a challenge to write, but I'm glad it came through.

I personally believe that Lucius and Narcissa were entirely bent on self-preservation when they joined the Death Eaters. If they thought the Order would win, then I'm sure they would have squashed any blood-purity ideals they had and would have joined the Order. I wanted to reflect that in this- hopefully by making Lucius seem pretty spineless and reflecting Narcissa's doubt in his choice.

Lack of dialouge usually makes me want to vom too, so I paragraphed loads to make it all broken up and not one massive chunk of text! Glad you liked the way it read :)

Thanks for such a lovely review :D

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Review #11, by baletgirBecoming Parents: Plague

17th March 2012:
Wow. That was intense. I do not like how Draco and Hermione are yelling so much in front of their daughters. Children learn everything from their parents and something like that at such a young age could be very impressionable. And it just sets a standard for Hermione and Draco. Hermione is seeming extremely OOC to me. Draco, I can't really pinpoint whether or not I like him, but he;s okay in terms of characterization.

I think you've really got the realism down. That is really a strong part for you when it comes to writing. You write things that are real!

I loved ROn coming back. I think his and Hermione's relationship is so intriguing!

Author's Response: Intense indeed my dear(: I'm sorry you don't like it. I don't know what else to say to your comment:P

Thanks! Erh...Ron...and thats all I have to say about that.



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Review #12, by baletgirBecoming Parents: Lake House Part 1

17th March 2012:
Interesting. Very interesting. Were Harry and Ginny acting weird because they invited Ron? Do they like Draco?

I really like that you had this little disagreement between Draco and Hermione. Again, it was very realistic. And I can understand both of their sides.

I think you should remember that they are Wizards. Why are they drinking beer? Why not Firewhisky or Butterbeer? I think your fic looses a bit of the wizarding world in it sometimes. There are just a few too many Muggle things for me. But I'm a J.K. Rowling purist, so I always think there aren't enough Wizard references!

Author's Response: Interesting! Well,interesting is good!

Me too, yet I side with Draco. Of curse, I'm not a Ron fan.

Hm...I don't know! I'm just a bit too rednecked american.sigh!



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Review #13, by baletgirBecoming Parents: Long Days

17th March 2012:
I never ever want to have kids. Never! I don't care how cute and cuddly they look, they are too much work! haha. It seems like you might have a lot of experience with babies from reading this. It all seemed horribly real.

I cannot believe Draco left Hermione with the babies for that long. I'm sorry but he is not a good father or husband. Hermione better tell him so, and I hope he gets his act together.

I see you responded about having had your chapters beta'd and just haven't updated them, if I were you I'd get on that. No offense, but this chapter was riddled with even more typos and silly spacing errors than the last two. It was a bit annoying to be perfectly honest.

I liked the point of view change, but Draco's POV seemed a bit rushed. It was just kind of like you were going over the events that happened, and weren't trying to invite your reader into his story. Also, the change from one POV to the other was a bit awkward. I think that the best way to change POVs is to have each chapter be a single person, and change it between chapters. Just a thought!

Author's Response: Me neither! I get you there! I really don't... I was terribly young when my siblings were born so I only have a couple months of babysitting under my belt. But I remember those long nights quite vividly.

He isn't! But he will be better! Because I can't stand him like this!

I am sorry.

Yes! That is so hard! I need to work on it!



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Review #14, by baletgirLoving You: Surprise

17th March 2012:
I'm really really enjoying this more and more! I am so glad you wrote this piece! I adore it!

Here's my theory, but I don't think its all too plausible so I actually hope that I am wrong. Rose is actually having Lysander's baby, she thought she was with Lorcan, but them being twins and all (at least thats how most people write them, I don't recall if you actually mentioned if they were twins) she was under the wrong impression of who she was sleeping with. That or Lysander already knows that Rose is pregnant with his brother's baby and he's just worried about that in general. I find that to be more believable. The whole mixing up the twins enough to sleep with the wrong one I find unrealistic. Identical twins can almost always be told apart fairly easily by those whom know them moderately well. Or Lysander might know that Al's gay. Wow, lots of possibilities! But anyways...

About those dreams. To be honest I was throughly confused. I couldn't tell if they were supposed to be old memories coming back as dreams or just complete imagination. Also, they made me wonder, exactly how old is everyone? Like how many years out of Hogwarts is Lily? I'm sorry if you mentioned this in an earlier chapter, I just don't remember. And back to the dreams, I feel as if they are going to be playing a role later on. Maybe its going to be a theme, Al having these crazy dreams. I'm not quite sure what they could mean, but its an interesting addition to your story line. You really have a lot going on here!

I hope that you have more Al/Scor soon, even if its just Al pining after Scor or remembering the good old days of being friends at Hogwarts.

I cannot wait for another chapter! Please update soon!

Author's Response: Okay. Lorcan is the father of the kid, not Lysander, although that would be rather amusing. Far fetched but amusing.

I know they were a little confusing, but I had to put them in when I wrote them. The first one of him and Scorpius was an old memory. The other one wasn't.

Alright, let's see. Al, Scorpius, and Rose have been out of Hogwarts for three years. Lysander, Lorcan, and James have been out of Hogwarts for four years, and Lily and Hugo have been out of Hogwarts for one year. Does that help?

Thank you. :)

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Review #15, by baletgirTear Drops: A Storm in my Heart

17th March 2012:
Aw, that was so sad. I can definitely tell that Harry Potter wasn't your inspiration for this, and it is probably better off as a piece of Other Fiction, but it was well written and I did enjoy reading it all the same. There were some issues I had with it, like why would Ginny and Harry's daughter have blonde hair? And I'd really like to know what would have happened to James and Albus in this situation. Were they equally torn up over their sister's death? Or were they too young to understand?

I think you have a great writing ability, and if you want to continue to post on this site try some real fanfiction. If you need inspiration, the challenges on the forums are all ways a great place to start, even if you don't officially enter one, just seeing other ideas can spark something!

I think a strong suit of yours is writing emotions. I could really feel Ginny's anguish in this and I really felt for her. And not just her, but also for how helpless everyone else must feel in trying to comfort her.

Good Job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much.
I have just posted a real hpff but it's not very good, I just wanted something to start off with so I decided to make this slightly like a HPFF. About Lily having blond hair, I just forgot to change that but I'll go and do that now, thanks for pointing that out.
James and Albus are... well I don't really know, sometimes when I'm writting I just sort of write something to suit what I'm writting, if that makes any sense. So I not really sure what happened to them.
Anyway thanks for reviewing, it really made my day!!!

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Review #16, by baletgirBecoming Parents: The Wonders of Parenthood

15th March 2012:
This chapter was fairly predictable, but that's a good thing! I found it really realistic. I find Hermione and Draco's relationship to be intriguing. I really cannot wait to read more and see how their life as parents goes!

Author's Response: Is it? Well...thats good I suppose!:D Thats great to hear! Thanks for the review!



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Review #17, by baletgirBecoming Parents: Becoming Parents

15th March 2012:
I loved the memory you used to open this chapter! It really set the scene. I do wonder though how Draco could so easily take their relationship out of hiding after he was just defending his actions, and almost called Hermione a mud-blood.

I think getting a beta could be really helpful to you. You've got a lot of typos. Most of them are odd spacing issues, so it just might be an issue of formatting when posting the chapter. Nothing that makes reading this difficult, but they are very noticeable. Having another person read over your work can really help a lot. I know that personally, no matter how many times I read my own writing I miss things, and a beta usually catches those things for me!

This sounds like its going to be a really cute fic. I am excited to see how Hermione and Draco handle being parents.

I cannot wait to read more! You've got a really good start to this here.

Author's Response: :D Thanks! Hmmm...maybe I should edit it and add that in? I just assumed readers would pick up their own reason! haha

I have one, I swear! I just haven't posted her polished versions yet!:/ I should probably do that!




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Review #18, by baletgirBe careful what you listen for: Past lies

10th March 2012:
This is Dramione? Oh wow, I'm surprised I didn't see that coming.

I'm really surprised though by your portrayal of Hermione. She is much too OOC for my likes. I would think that Hermione is strong enough to still be the same person after finding this out. That she would be just as determined as before to help Harry defeat Voldemort and she would not let the fact that he is her father affect her. But that's why they call this FanFiction huh? haha.

In terms of pace, this chapter was much better than the last. It worked well. You slowly went through what was going on. There was a lot of dialogue though. A bit more of what Hermione was thinking and feeling could have been a nice tough to let the read in more.


Author's Response: I'll keep that in mind when I edit it. I don't see her as OOC because I read many Dramonie fics where this is her personality and I've only read the books once because They are too expensive for me to own and my library never has them. When I go through this again, I'll consider what about Hermione is OOC and attempt to change it. Thank you for your insight. I enjoyed participating in your challenge.

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Review #19, by baletgirBe careful what you listen for: The Truth Comes Out

10th March 2012:
Wow, that was so very unexpected. You really took this secret to a new level. When I first read the secret it seemed like one of the more trivial ones, not one of the ones that seemed life changing, but you proved me wrong which I enjoyed! I really like to see the secret played out in ways I don't imagine myself. It's really interesting to see another person's interpretation.

I think this need a bit of work on grammar. Have you tried getting a beta? I think having a beta could really help this out. They could help you with simple grammatical errors, but also with some of the flow issues I noticed. You gave your reader a lot of information in just about 500 words. Its a lot to comprehend so quickly. You could have had a chapter in which we learn only about Hermione's eavesdropping, and maybe see some examples on a smaller scale. Then the second chapter could have gotten into this incident.

I really do find this story to be intriguing, and I cannot wait to read more!

Author's Response: Thanks. I know about getting a beta, but I never do for a challenge because typically they are less then 10 chapters, i also wrote this one without Microsoft word. I will go through and edit it again. I'm glad that you liked it, I knew that the secret I had could be made into something more so I decided to.

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Review #20, by baletgirIf Only You Could Read My Mind: A New Beginning

10th March 2012:
Yay! A happy (ish) ending! I am really glad that Brynlee is in a good place now and that her friends are there for her through it all.

I think this was a great interpretation of the postcard you got, it wasn't at all what I had thought of when I read that postcard. But that is why I loved posting this challenge so much! Everyone was inspired in such different ways from their postcards.

I hope you enjoyed the challenge, I really enjoyed reading your entry!

Author's Response: I swear I responded to this 0.0

Anyway, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I'm glad I managed to finish a story!:D

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Review #21, by baletgirThe One That I Should Have Married: Regrets

9th March 2012:
Aw that was so bittersweet. I go back and forth on Dramione, and whether or not I like it, but I think it worked really well for this piece.

You wrote this so beautifully! I really enjoy all the description through out, especially when Hermione is on the beach at the beginning. It was really well written.

I have so many questions from this! And good questions, because you've really got me thinking since I enjoyed reading this so much. I want to know how good of a front she puts up, like can Ron tell she isn't happy with him? And what would Ron do if he did know? If he found this letter? I just want more! haha

The challenge results will be posted in the Challenges Hall of Fame thread, and the winners will be PM'd on the forums! Good luck! I hope you enjoyed my challenge! I really loved reading your entry!

Great job! I wish I had some actual constructive criticism for you, but this was really good!

Author's Response: Oh,hello(:Awesome! I love Dramione, so I just had to!

Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear this, I was pretty worried about it!

Awwwh(: I really want to be able to answer your questions with another one-shot corresponding with this...and it's been requested I do that, but I haven't had a plunny, and the last thing I want to do is ruin this with a bad corresponding piece.

I cannot wait to see the results! I really did enjoy it--it was great fun! I'm not sure where the challenges hall of fame is, but I'll find it:D I really anticipate seeing the results!

Thanks for the review!



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Review #22, by baletgirIf Only You Could Read My Mind: The Truth Comes Out

9th March 2012:
To be perfectly honest, that was one fast turn around. I know that she realizes it will take time for her to be completely better, but still.

Some of the characters seemed a bit choppy and formal in their speech. These are teenagers, they don't spell every little thing out. I think they, particularly Remus, should be a bit more to the point when speaking. Though the things he meant made a lot of sense. I really think you understand him well.

I found it a bit odd the McGonagall and Pomfrey would speak to Bryn about such serious and personal things in front of James, Sirius, and Remus. I would have thought they would have waited until she was feeling a bit better first, and definitely brought her into a private room. I am glad though that you had the school get involved. I think that is extremely realistic and important.

Just one Nitpicky thing, you used your oftentimes when you should have used you're. A good way to remember which to use is to speak the sentence out loud and replace your/you're with "you are". If it makes sense then you should use you're, if it doesn't make sense as "you are" then your is the way to go!

I think this story is progressing nicely in terms of plot, but the pace is very fast. It might just be because I want to read more and don't want it to end so quickly!
Thanks for making me realize I can enjoy a Marauders Era fic!

Author's Response: Okay to start this off, I want to get the Your/You're thing. I know! It bothers me! I'm always getting them mixed up! I'll edit that and get it fixed up...

Now onto the whole speedy thing... I know it seems a little fast that she realizes she wants the help, but she's been battling with it for a little while and all through the story, she's regretted what she's done, and now Remus telling her that he loves her, and telling her it was stupid, means a lot to her. When the one you love tells you they love you and they want you to stop hurting yourself, you find this urge to stop. Suddenly you have so much more will to stop.

Now why they mentioned this in front of the boys. I have a little reasoning behind all that. Peer Pressure. Only reversed slightly. Bryn is so close to those boys, and the teachers have witnessed it over the years, I've mentioned a few times that James and Sirius are like her brothers and that Remus is in love with her. McGonagall and Pomfrey, wanted the boys to be there because they have such a close relationship, and sometimes telling the one's closest helps.

And the pace is fast because it's a short story... Maybe I might start a novel with Bryn and maybe delve into her past and go through this period a little slower... Because I have grown rather attached to my Bryn.

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Review #23, by baletgirIf Only You Could Read My Mind: Plans Gone Array

9th March 2012:
And the plot thickens! Haha. Not that this was funny or anything. I'm just a bit loopy right now.

So, I liked this chapter. I enjoyed the ending bit here, how Remus and Sirius were brought into the story. And you confirmed why I think he broke up with her. It was approaching the full moon and he was hesitant about not being good enough for her. I'm not surprised, its the exact same thing he went through with Tonks later on in life.

I really feel for Brynlee. Her sadness really caught me in this chapter, more so than in the previous one. I just want Remus to hug her and ask her whats wrong and make it all better. I really just wish there was an easy fix for something this serious, but I realize that there isn't.

I am really excited to read the next chapter, I hope Lee is okay. And I'm so glad that you were able to get the fifth chapter into the queue already! I cannot wait to see how you wrap this up!

Author's Response: Thanks, and I completely understand the whole being excited over the thickened plot, even if it's not in the nicest way.

Yeah, you were right about the Remus thing. I had to show the moon and the wolf thing. It really shows why Remus was so concerned... I'd hinted at it last chapter, by the fact he looked tired but I wasn't sure how many people picked up on it..

Anyway, on to responding to your next review ;)

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Review #24, by baletgirIf Only You Could Read My Mind: I Guess I Don't Blame You, But I Still Wish You Hadn't

1st March 2012:
This is really hard to give constructive criticism on. It is a very mature and touchy subject and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I feel as if you portrayed the emotions really well, but some parts seemed a bit off.

I know that there are awful parents out there in the world, but to write that in a letter that could be possibly intercepted seems a bit unlikely to me.

The fact that Brynlee (or Lee as I'd like to call her) cuts and purges is extremely serious. It's a lot for one person. I think that her physical reactions, though saddening, make sense, her thoughts seem a bit off to me.

I've never gone through anything like this, nor do I know of anyone close to me who has, so I am not one to judge the situation, but I do find some parts to not feel exactly right.

Besides the serious stuff, did Remus break up with her because of his "furry little problem"? That makes complete sense for him, especially if its approaching the full moon and he's regretting asking her out and possibly endangering her. Noble Remus. I hope Lily or James or Sirius can convince him to get back together with Lee.

I hope what I have said makes sense, and that you don't find it to be a flame. It was my honest opinion, and please feel free to ignore and or all parts of it. Good job though in tackling such an intense topic.


Author's Response: I get where your coming from there... I do.

Now how you said you don't know anyone like this, I do, Minus the eating disorder, that is a reflection on how i feel about myself sometime. The cutting as they're experiencing it, they are confusing and keep contradicting themselves, which I was trying to get across in her thoughts, she wants to feel better, but at the same time, this is how she feels better, If you get what I'm saying.

And thank you on the whole good job thing, i can honestly say that, writing the tough parts comes so easy because of some of the things my friend will say, and some of the feelings I may have had in the past. I feel that writing this story, actually makes me feel better about myself and I hope that other girls and boys out there, will find that this story shows them that they truly are amazing.

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Review #25, by baletgirIf Only You Could Read My Mind: Prolouge: If Only He Knew

1st March 2012:
This is a really interesting start. I already see the postcard you were assigned in this. To be perfectly honest, I feel that this chapter alone fulfills the challenge requirements, but I'm still excited to read more!

Not much happened here, there is obviously a lot of background information that your reader will need to be caught up on soon, but it was still interesting. You left me with a lot of questions, in a good way. I want to know what her parents said and such. In other words I want to continue reading which is always an accomplishment with the first chapter.

I think that you are really good at getting your point/the story across in writing. Many people struggle with word choice and things like that, but everything was very clear. This makes it easier to read, but I think your writing is missing something. It is missing some sort of nuance to it. Something that makes it more than just the facts of a story. You could use a few more descriptions through out.

Overall I thought this was a really nice piece to read and I am so glad you entered my challenge! I hope you found it inspiring! The results will be posted in the Challenges Hall of Fame thread, and the winners with be PM'd on the forums! Good luck! You'll see more reviews from me soon on the next few chapters!

Quick question, how long is this piece going to be?
Happy Writing!

Author's Response: I am so glad you liked it! I think it is a great story myself and I love where it is going. I'm glad you like my writing, Thats a huge compliment for me :)

And I believe the story will be five chapters, only two more to get up! May The Odds Ever Be In My Favor ;)

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