A beautiful story. Very well written.Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Great story with imaginative twists from the original and some interesting pairings. Well written and plotted.Author's Response: Thanks so much! Been ages Im afraid since Ive added to it, but I refuse to let it go unfinished, so hopefully as i finish editing it, the rest will come too! Thanks again for the kind words :) Report Review
Please, please, please keep writing this story. There are technical points you could develop such as building the word count. The story reads well but you could extend it a bit more. Otherwise good job.Author's Response: haha. I will keep writing this story. But ive began work on and origanal novel so it mih take a while for me to get back onto this. Report Review
Needs work. I agree with a previous review, you do need a beta reader. This story has great potential. You could turn this into something really entertaining.
I am writing a re-do fic myself, Harry Potter and his way Forward, so I do know it can be difficult to do. My stories have been on down time due to real life, but I can see some opportunity to get back to writing again soon.
The reason I am sharing that with you is that I like to encourage people in their writing. You could be really good. But everyone needs help, including yours truly. I must say that you aren't bad now, but you have some growing and developing to do as a writer.
Anyway, lots of luck with your writing, I have you on my favourites and I look forward to further chapters.Author's Response: thanks. I do need a beta and am searching for one. I glad you like tha idea. Report Review
Needs updating! You have started a very interesting story with a rather unique idea that is being well written. Please continue. Report Review
Pretty darn good. Charming little one shot. It has the potential to be built on following the way the conversation between Ginny and Harry went - rivalry between the boys.Author's Response: Thanks glad you think so! Report Review
Great work. Well written. What do you mean, "not very good", indeed! You're an excellent writer. Report Review
This is good, but should be longer to handle some more action. I envision a quiet moment where Pig is expressing his new love by orbiting Hedwig at a frantic rate. Hedwig then trips him in mid flight with a wing, jumps him, and owl-snogs him senseless. Leaves him flat on his back with his wings out.
A good effort, but lacks something due to its length. Enjoyable. 9/10 for encouragement. Report Review
This has great potential. It is good writing, but needs a touch more proof reading.
I found this story on a random search. Please continue writing it. I have saved to favourites, but may not get back to it soon due to a busy life. But each time I visit I will review.
This is good. A good start and the hook is well and truly in. Rating for encouragement. Report Review
I have no idea what car it is, but please keep writing and posting. This is quite well written and engaging. Report Review
Why do you consider this rubbish? When I did a search and saw your story I was intrigued by your statement. I consider you are too harsh on yourself. You are a good writer who has written an interesting story. Well done, and continue writing it. Report Review
Nicely written story with great feeling. Nothing much happens, but it does close things off.Author's Response: Thanks, I\\\'m glad you enjoyed it! I thought it would be a nice way to tie off Dumbledore\\\'s death. Cheers for reviewing! Report Review
Lovely story. Well done.Author's Response: thanks. happy reading. Report Review
You need to make this a continuing story. It's a great story with a huge potential to have fun with. Well written and thoroughly entertaining.Author's Response: Nope. that is the end of that one. i have other things you could rad though. Happy reading. Report Review
A very engaging story, pity about the proof reading. Still, an excellent work, and a unique approach. I must say I didn't like all the fatalities, but they were good plot points. The story had an unusual balance between really interesting action and tragedy. It was not satisfying in its development, but still very good.
I believe I would not have had so many character deaths - even of Death Eaters - but then I would hate the reality of a war that took so many lives.
Considering this convinces me of the real quality of your work. You have written a story that is realistic and carries the reader on without being able to put it down. Well done! Only nine out of ten because of your written English.Author's Response: Hey there Toms Pal! Good ta hear from ya!
Pity, most definitely. It's one of those things that would have been a lot easier to do while I was writing it, and I tried it for a while, but I found I was too impatient with my proof readers (I went through a couple). I'd just want to post the chapter as fast as possible, but I'd have to wait for the beta to go through it. Then they'd get it done, but I'd have to read through it. So by time it was all proof read and ready, it would be almost a week past when I originally finished writing, and I just found the whole process too time consuming.
The fatalities . . . well, initially I hadn't planned to many, but realize I looked at Book 7, and I figured one thing: this book is the war book. The war has been building for 6 books, and not it'll play out. There are a lot of deaths in war. It's the deaths are are close to home that make people realize just how costly it can be sometimes.
You have some really nice things at the end there, but you kinda confuse me with the one line at the end of paragraph one: "It was not satisfying in its development, but still very good." How was the development not good? Is that the balance thing you mentioned, between action and tragedy?
Well, all in all, a very honest and good review, so thank you very much. I'm glad you did like the ups and downs the story took, though you are right, the grammatical errors take away from it.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Excellent story. A little awkwardly written is a few places, but really engaging and entertaining. I like your take on canon. Report Review
You've developed as a writer over the length of time it has taken to write this. An excellent story and an imaginative use of facts within the canon to extrapolate from.
Very enjoyable story. Some minor, and rare, spelling mistakes. Good job. Report Review
Very good story. I could see you develop as you wrote it. I suspect English is not a first language for you as the language you used was too stilted and awkward. An excellent story though, well done! Report Review
Lots of great ideas. You do need some serious development as a writer. Please see my comments as positive ones for you.
This is so badly written that you will never be taken seriously unless you develop. the good thing is that that is what fan fiction is all about.
There is good potential here. You obviously have some talent. I suspect that you are a young person with an interest. This is good. You can be a very good or even great writer. It all depends on how much effort you want to put into it.
I love encouraging new writers because I see the development of some awesome skills and I end up rewarded with great stories to read.
Your mastery of English is adequate. You need to work on carrying more of the story with dialogue. This first chapter reads like a summary.
The letter was a good ploy to set up some background, but it had the wrong information in it. When you are doing something like this you have to live in the mindset of the individual. The Dursley's would have been very angry if this had happened to them. However, I cannot imagine anyone who was residing in a house without knowing precisely the conditions of their inhabiting it.
When a land title is passed over it carries all sorts of legal paper trails and government actions. Your premise is too weak. It would be better if the letter was from a lawyer advising that something the Dursleys' were aware of had finally come to pass. It could also have been used to explain a lot of the bad treatment Harry had been subjected to in the past. Resentment is a believable motivator.
If you want further help follow the review links back to my page and contact me. Report Review
Brilliant. I can only wish I could end as great a writer as you. Such detail and thought, such excellent writing. 100 out of 10. (Ten) Report Review
This is close to being the best story I have ever read. It is so well written, so insightful, so well plotted and thought out.
I genuflect in your general direction. I am so going to enjoy following this story. Report Review
Hi Danielle. I followed the link back to your home page and realised why your story was so raw. You're so young. I was reviewing for an adult writer. For your age you are an excellent writer. I should have known by reading the story that you were a juvenile.
My standards are very high. I am a degree qualified English teacher. So with a little more understanding I can look at your story and appreciate it for what it is and the level of experience you have.
I'm going to do myself a favour and put you on my favourites list because I love a good read and the only thing I love more is see a writer develop.
I feel that as you go on with your writing you are going be awesome! So I'm going to hang in there and see how good you getAuthor's Response:
well, thank you. :D Report Review
Good idea for a story. You do need to develop your plots a little. In the prologue you had a little old lady interrupting a Death Eater gathering in a cave because the noise was disturbing her mothers birthday party!
Come on! Unbelievable! I'm not reading the rest of the story because it has not engaged my interest and has failed to be entertaining. Do not stop writing though because fan fiction sites are where you polish your skills. It doesn't matter where you start out, the important thing is the personal growth and development.
You have potential and you have some basic raw talent. Build on that. Report Review
Good story. When I followed your link back I saw that you were already doing what I suggested. This one is just perfect for a one-shot.
You write very well indeed in a technical sense. Now, how about - just one writer to another - extending yourself and writing a multi-chapter short story or a novel?
I want to encourage you for the best of all selfish reasons, to have a good read. You keep this up and you are staying on my short list of favourites for a very long time.Author's Response: I will seriously consider doing a longer story! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Well done! You will notice that all, save one, of your reviews are positive and encouraging. Can't help the Grumble-bums. Ignore them, they just don't have the talent themselves.
Now, I feel it was a little short and undeveloped. It was well written and evocative of true reactions to such a loss. But, I agree that you could have brought out some more feeling and thoughts from people.
Other than that I think you are a good writer with lots of potential. You can only get better. Now try to write different things. I will be so interested in reading more of your work.
Here's a hint: Reviewers get their writing reviewed. I review often because I thoroughly enjoy so many peoples work. I only save a few favourites for a very short list. I'm putting you on my favourites list for encouragement, and so that I don't miss a good future read.
All the best for your writing, and remember, review, and you shall be reviewed. It's just something I've noticed that happens naturally. People follow the links back.Author's Response: This was so helpful! Thank you so much!! Report Review
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