Reading Reviews From Member: subrosa
  
37 Reviews Found

Review #1, by subrosaThe Importance of Being...: a Kid.

21st July 2009:
I just can't get enough of this story. It's been ages since I've read and reviewed the first three chapters, and I still jumped right back into the plot with a smile. You're just so creative and it shows. I feel so bad for Lyla over her parents, even if they were Death Eaters who forced her to stay home because she embarassed them. It's obvious that she's torn about it too. I noticed that you think Lyla sounds a bit too whiney in this, and I agree only a small bit. I think that she's allowed to be whiney briefly. If she didn't whine at all I'd say she was kind of Mary Sue-ish. Which wouldn't be good, you know? :) I'd say to work on sentence structure when it comes to dialogue and thoughts. Like:

"She just told you, she's got a headache." Nina replied slowly, "I thought you were smart."

Could be:

"She just told you, she's got a headache," Nina replied slowly. "I thought you were smart."

Also, a character's thoughts should be in italics instead of between quotation marks. It gets confused with actual dialogue if it's not.

Good job, overall!

~Subroa

Author's Response: YAY, im really glad you enjoyd reading it, it puts a big smile on my face. I'll have a look at my sentence structure aswell because things like that have always been my downfall.

Thanks again =]

Liz.


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Review #2, by subrosaThe Trick is to Keep Breathing: Chapter Two

21st July 2009:
Once again, I really enjoyed this. I'm glad that Theo's behavior was lightly touched upon in Draco and Astoria's conversation outside of the party. It still seems a bit off for him to be so very different, but it works for the story. The same goes to Draco, actually. I always figured he'd grow up and lose a lot of his snarky attitude, but not to the degree that it seems at times in this story. Even to his friends and family he was always arrogant, so it's a tad odd that he is so good-natured for the most part. Like I said, though, it works for the story.

You do an excellent job with grammar, plot and dialogue. Sometimes the language gets a little weary, but your writting is amazing and pulls it along very nicely. I think the language messes with the flow at times and that's something that you can work on. Otherwise, everything was perfect :D

~Subroa

Author's Response: Exactly, it works for the story *blush* I have known in the back of my head that this Draco is not really Draco, but still, his attitude is what I want it to be in this particular story. I've always found him a bit difficult to write, but now, I've just gone with the flow and allowed him to be this good-natured guy to the point when I don't even recognize him (=p) Anyways, I'll be sure to mention this in my next A/N, because it's important that it's seen for what I want it to be seen as. Thank you for bringing it up! And I will think about the language messing with the flow and I'll do my best! Again, thanks and I've really appreciated your honesty!

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Review #3, by subrosaThe Trick is to Keep Breathing: Chapter One

21st July 2009:
Hey, it's Subroa from the forums! I'm so sorry it took me this long to finally review this story for you.

So, I really enjoyed this chapter. I thought it was a nice introduction into the story that is to come. I loved that you had each character's personality down so far and that you didn't deviate. The only character that bothered me was Theo, but that was mainly because he's my favorite minor character to write so I look more into how other's write him. I just thought it was strange that he came off as so persistent and obnoxious. JK describes him as a "clever loner," and someone who doesn't like a lot of attention isn't normally about to be so very forward to the point where it's annoying. That, however, is the only negative thought I have of this. I really liked all the descriptions and, as someone who has three older sisters, really empathized with Astoria's situation with Daphne. Excellent work!

~Subroa

Author's Response: That's perfectly alright! I know what you mean - I know Theodore not to be that obnoxious git that I've written him as, but it was what worked for this story, sadly :( I'm usually all for canon, but it didn't work this time. Still, thanks for your honesty - can't tell you how much I appreciate it!

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Review #4, by subrosaWords on Paper: The Birds and The Beers

13th July 2009:
This was actually a really fun chapter. It shows a lot about your writing in this story, because nothing really extraordinary happened but you were able to keep it interesting. The quidditch match was a nice eye-opener into Riley's personality. He's come off as a bit of a straightshooter up until then. He's still not the liveliest of men; yet, he's entertaining to read about. You definitely should give this a quick glance over being as there were sentences that were missing a word or two or something of the sort. But, overall it was really nice in my opinion. Great job!

~Subrosa

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Review #5, by subrosaWords on Paper: Words, or Rather, Thoughts of Frustration

13th July 2009:
I liked this a lot. It was a really nice start to what seems like an interesting story. I must say that your writing style shines through brilliantly in comparision to your other story. Maybe that's just because of the accent of Jeanne and all that which kind of takes away from details. I liked how you made Roxanne and Riley so very opposite of each other. It's a little strange to me that he was a Hufflepuff in school, what with his constant complaints about Muggle transportation, music, photos, etc. Overall, this was really nice. You could still work on grammar and punctuation, but good job.

~Subroa :)

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Review #6, by subrosaLove Me: Love Me

8th July 2009:
Hey, it's subroa from the forums! So sorry it took so long to review this story. Here it is:

I really loved this cute, little one-shot. Honestly, I've never read a Hannah/Neville story and that was partially the reason I wanted to incorporate it into my challenge. I'm so glad that you picked this detail. I think you captured all the right emotions and beautifully blended romance into such a mournful event in Neville's life. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a loved one who you barely remembered outside of a hospital. You, in my opinion, flawlessly wrote this tale. Awesome job!

:D Be sure to check the forums for the winners.

~Subroa

Author's Response: Aw. Thank you so much! I had never written them before. It turned out that I really loved this story, so I\\\'m very grateful for this challenge motivating me to write it. :) I\\\'m waiting for a banner for it.

I\\\'m very glad you liked this. Thank you for the review.
-witness


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Review #7, by subrosaUn Enfant: Un Enfant

8th July 2009:
Hey, it is subroa from the forums! I am so sorry it took me such a long time to review this story; I have been away for a long weekend. Anyway, here it is:

I enjoyed reading your take on Bill and Fleur's relationship, as well as their reactions to having a baby a little sooner than planned. I have never written this pairing myself, so I can only imagine how difficult it can possibly be to write Fleur. You definitely recieved the hardest detail from me, in my opinion. And I think you worked with what you were given very well. You had a bunch of grammar mistakes -commas where they were not needed and such- and sentences that were missing words. The fic could use another glance over, but it was still a nice read.

I am going to place the winners up in the forums now, so be sure to take a peek at it. :D

~Subroa

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Review #8, by subrosaWhere the Heart Is: Where the Heart Is

28th June 2009:
Hey, it's subroa from the forums!

I think this was a very nice read. I think you nailed Harry's personality. From his guilt over Fred's death as a reason to stay away from the Burrow, to his sadness over his godfather as a reason to stay away from Grimmuald Place. It truly sounded like the Harry of JK's books. I also liked Ron and Hermione's role in the story, like how she guilted him into remembering Kreacher and how he'd be disappointing him. The only thing I could say about this is to watch your flow, grammar and dialogue. Do a quick reread and see if you can make it all go together more smoothly. Overall, excellent work incorporating the detail I gave you into the story.

The winners of the challenge will be posted in the forums soon, so be sure to keep an eye out for it. I'm just waiting for the remaining two stories to go through the queue.

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thanks Subroa!

I'm not used to writing the Trio, to be quite honest, all my fics have tended to be Marauder era (and those are also the ones I tend to read), so choosing Harry to write about was a bit of a challenge for me as well. So thank you for saying I nailed him, that's really flattering considering how familiar we all are with him and how easy it is to project someone else's personality onto him to make him OOC.

Ta for the constructive criticism as well, I did re-read it but it took me so long to come up with how I was going to do "home" as a concept that I probably did rush it a bit. And to be honest I'm not always the best at proofreading my own stuff, particularly when I haven't had long to sit on it. I'll have a look in another week or so though and see how I go :)

Thanks again, it was a great challenge.
-odyssey


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Review #9, by subrosaOu revoir, Ma Cherie.: France Spring 1995

12th June 2009:
Hey! It's subroa from the forums! I'm so sorry that it took me so very long to get to read this, but here's my review at last:

I actually thought this was a rather brilliant start to what seems like a harrowing tale. I loved how Fleur is the good, whereas Al is the man who is a bit more twisted in his views. I can sense the turmoil brewing already, and it really keeps readers interested. This little tidbit into what's to come is just enough to have me pondering what will happen when two people who love each other realize how truly different they are at heart. You can maybe work on dialogue, grammar and punctuation a bit, but overall it was a very nice read. Great job! ^_^

~Subroa

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Review #10, by subrosaHonorary Weasley: One and the only one at that

12th June 2009:
Hey! It's subroa from the forums!

I'm sorry that it took me so long to get to this and review, but here it goes now:

So, I actually thought this was really cute. There were definitely little moments that could be fixed up a bit more, yet the tale was told and it was told in a way that kept me reading. It's hard telling a story through the views of an OC and still capturing your audience's attention. I think you did it pretty well. I never really thought of Hermione as that type of parent when she was older -I always thought of her as more pure maternal, and less playful-but, I understand where you were coming from with her character. You could definitely work on grammer and punctuation, as well as characterization and descriptions. I would have really liked to see a bit more of Ron, Rose and Hugo.

Overall, I think you did a splendit job. I'll be posting the winner of my challenge up at the forums really soon! Good luck! :D

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
I had such a hard time doing this challenge and I'm not entirely happy with it and I completely get where you're coming from with the Characterizations! This is I think the third idea I played with, I almost used a cat as an OC. **coughs** Anywhoo, thanks for the awesome challenge, it really helped me try to focus my ideas!


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Review #11, by subrosaTrial by Fire: The Road to Nowhere

19th May 2009:
This was a very nice start. I really enjoyed how nicely you captured Draco's attitude, and mostly his bitterness. I think a lot of writers get caught up in the fantasy that he would jump over to the good side when the war was over, but it's nice to read a story with such raw distaste. Your characterization of him is very well done.

You definitely could work on including more details, but other than that I'd say that this is a very nice start. The plot is already interesting, and the dialogue between him and the cop is realistic. He's definitely the type of person who would need to bite back smart quips, but who would do so gladly to benefit himself in the long run. I don't see him as someone who would just dispose of all rules set forth by the Ministry since he's so concerned with himself usually. But, for the story it works. Good work! :D

~Subroa

Author's Response: Hello Subroa!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! It was wonderful hearing from you.

I agree with assessment of Draco's character. I certainly don't think he would be easily won over to the "good" side after Voldemort's downfall, as you said. After all, within almost a year, his complete belief system was forcibly dismantled. Learning that your core values were entirely wrong has to be shocking and quite humbling, I would imagine.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I'll certainly consider them when I go back and revise. ^_^

I truly appreciate your helpful review, Subroa. Again, thanks for everything! I hope you have a great weekend!

Best,
celticbard


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Review #12, by subrosaJust Because: Fear Of Falling

19th May 2009:
I enjoyed this a lot. I really like how the plot is shaping up. Oliver seemed a lot more himself to me in this chapter for some reason, but that's definitely a good thing. I loved how you made us readers a little bit more aware that Oliver does care for her, even if he may be denying it to himself a bit right now.

I'd say to work on what I pointed out in the last chapter. Definitely punctuation, and a little bit more description is always a good thing. Details are rarely ever overpowering. Oh, and watch your grammer.

Nice job, for the most part. I have a question, though. Is this story taking place during Harry's time at Hogwarts? Or before?

Author's Response: I\\\'m glad you like it! Thank you for reviewing. This is taking place during Harry\\\'s time basically, but I did eliminate the trio. Haha

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Review #13, by subrosaJust Because: Miss A Quidditch Practice Or Otherwise Die

16th May 2009:
This was a good start to this story. I definitely like the idea behind it all, like how the two team-mates are so miffed by eachother's presence. That tension will definitely lead to more interesting plot lines. There's a few things you should really work on, though.

You should read through this one more time and pick out spelling and grammer errors that you've made. That will solve a big problem in itself. Also, check on punctuation. You tend to put more commas into a sentence than necessary. Don't put them where you, as the writer, imagine pauses; put them where a reader would imagine pauses.

Lastly, work on desciption and characterization. Oliver is off to me, but his character isn't detailed too drastically in the books so you have more liberty with him. I guess in my head I can't see him quite the way you do. That's fine, though. Just work on making the two main characters more of their own person. It will help readers jump into the story. Great job, overall :D

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!!!

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Review #14, by subrosaBlasted: Alphard Black

23rd April 2009:
Now, this chapter was a few notches down for me than the previous one. Mainly due to the few errors in grammar and punctuation. This wasn't the flawless work that you had done before. It was still very well done, though; don't get me wrong. :) You've definitely got talent. The contrast between Isla and Alphard was undeniable, yet you didn't break character for either of them. Your commitment to their personalities is very admirable. Especially with Alphard, because he's definitely not the type of person you really want to like. He's more of the type of person that you really, really enjoy being annoyed with, and wishing you could beat him repeatedly over the head. Isla was the person you wanted to truly be happy.

Other than the grammatical errors and small mishaps in punctuation, I'd say that if you continue on with this story in the same way you'll have an phenominal fic on your hands. When you have other chapters up, be sure to come by and re-request for this story :)

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thank you! I've put up a request for a beta,so hopefully someone will respond and I'll get rid of the grammar/punctuation issue (it has haunted me since day one).

I will definitely tell you when the next chapter is up. I just want to re-write Alphard a bit and then finish the next chapter (it was 3,000+ words and still not finished, so it's undergoing some severe editing/condensing).

Thanks again. Your comments are very much appreciated!


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Review #15, by subrosaBlasted: Isla Black

23rd April 2009:
This was a fantastically written, highly enrapturing chapter. I honestly felt myself drawn into it from the first sentence, and that's quite the compliment to you. Usually stories take a little bit of warming up before you can submerge yourself in them. This particular chapter was nothing like that. The emotions and descriptions were superb, adding to the already remarkably interesting concept that you've plotted out. I don't think I've read a story in a long, long time where I didn't have any critiques (even a small, minor one) for the writer. Yet, here I am at a loss for something for you to improve on. I'd say that as long as the story continues on in this matter, you're golden! :D

Spectacular job!

~Subroa

Author's Response: *blushes* Goodness, thank you! That's quite a compliment. I did go back and edit this before I requested a review, but it's essentially a two-year old fic. So I'm super happy that you liked it so much! Honestly, I am unworthy of your flattery ^_^

Thanks so much, it's greatly appreciated!


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Review #16, by subrosaSincere Corruption: The Beginning

23rd April 2009:
This was definitely an awesome start to the story. It wasn't too dark at all. Actually, it was perfect given the situation. You were simply being true to the fact that this was following a battle where many had died. Besides, any story named "Vengeance" doesn't exactly scream rainbows and butterflies at me :D

You're descriptions were amazing and you definitely mastered how to leave a reader confused and begging for more at certain parts. So far the plot isn't predictable whatsoever. There were a few moments where I couldn't keep up with who was saying what at that given time, so I'd say to try and avoid that since it puts a damper on the flow of the chapter. Other than that there's nothing really to work on except a few problems with punctuation. I only really noticed it towards the beginning, though, and it was nothing that would take away from the reading. Just watch out for it in the future.

Overall, excellent job!

~Subroa

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Review #17, by subrosaThe Importance of Being...: Smart.

23rd April 2009:
I'm really enjoying how this story is shaping up. The plot is definitely getting more and more interesting. You have the ability to make your readers keep questioning the going-ons of the chapters, which is an awesome talent for any author to have. I truly can't wait to find out the answers to everything that's drawn my eyes. I look forward to finding out more about Lyla's childhood, why she was suddenly able to go to Hogwarts, what happened with Edward, and whether or not the relationship between her and Remus will turn into something more than it already is. Also, I'm getting the feeling that she can read a person's mind or something. If that's true then she'll already know Remus' secret. Would the mind thing explain how she knows things like where that rabbit hole was? Hmmm.

Keep working on the things I've commented on in other reviews. I'm more than willing to read other parts of this story if you re-request. I'd love to help out with whatever you need :) Just ask! Until then.

~Subroa

Author's Response: You are the first person to pick up on one particular thing, i'm not going to deny or confirm but keep an eye out ;-)

Thankyou for taking the time to review its greatly appreciatedand i will definatly be re requesting.

Liz.


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Review #18, by subrosaThe Importance of Being...: Innocent

23rd April 2009:
This story is really beginning to shape up. I love how althought Lyla has a disability the Marauders are still able to see the fact that she can take care of herself. And they still, obviously, appreciate the fact that she's pretty. I'd watch out for the classic Mary-Sue OC, though. Just because you've created her with such a big imperfection, doesn't mean she wouldn't fall under that category if she's too perfect in other ways. Perhaps if she wasn't too good at Potions or something, or maybe is too stubborn for her own good. You've made her good a Charm-work, loyal, smart, kind, understanding and brave. As well as someone who would attract all of the Marauders' attention physically. Just watch out in the long-run. It makes a character more believable when they have personality faults.

Like before, I'd say to work on punctuation and grammer. And watch out for Peter, because I'm already losing him in the story. I'm really excited to see where this goes, though. I'm not sensing any more-than-friends vibes from Sirius with Lyla, so perhaps Remus? Hmm. Nice job!

~Subroa

Author's Response: Can I just say thankyou for warning me about the "Mary Sue" issue I hadnt even thought about her turning into something like that and thats definatly not what i want.

Also don't worry about Peter he'll be back with a vengeance in the next few chapters =]

Liz.


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Review #19, by subrosaThe Importance of Being...: Asleep

23rd April 2009:
This was an excellent start to this story. You did a great job of introducing all of the characters and creating an awesome plot-line to follow. I liked how you already gave readers a decent grasp of the kind of person Lyla is, especially since she's an OC and her characterization is the most important of all because of that. I can't wait to learn more about her and how she knows Sirius! I loved the bickering between James and Lily, plus the bickering between each of the Marauders :)

There's a few things you should work on. For the most part there's a few problems with your grammer and punctuation. At times in the chapter there wasn't a period or comma where one should be, and then in other parts there was too many commas. I know it's difficult, but you need to find that balance. It will help with the flow of the story. Also work on you descriptions. Description adds a lot of complexity into a story, and it can take you from good to flawless. You don't want there to be nothing except dialogue, because you'll lose the substance of your work.

Then there's a few things that just involve the characters in general. For the most part I think you've got them all pretty much down. But, Remus stood out as a tiny bit OOC. In the books he's described as the type of person to sit back and read a book or do schoolwork as his friends gang up on Slytherins like Snape. He doesn't seem to me like someone who would jump into a duel, especially after being made a Prefect. Also, Peter. You didn't write him wrong or anything, but I just wanted to tell you to watch out with him. A lot of writers who take on Marauder's Era stories tend to not write him at all, or only a little bit. The fact of the matter is that he's always a friend to the others. It isn't until Harry comes along in his third year that the truth is revealed. So, despite the fact that we don't like to think about him as anything but a rat, he's their friend.

Overall, I think this was a good start. Watch out with all the cursing, though. Especially with the Head Boy and Girl. I can't imagine students of that standing to be so vulgar. It would get them in trouble with the administration. :) Nice work!

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing =]

I'm glad you liked the intro to the story. I know what you said about remus is right and he wouldnt necessarily get into a duel with the other marauders but since they didnt start it, I didn't think there was any harm in him helping out his friends.

Thankyou again.

Liz


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Review #20, by subrosaSkeptics and True Believers: Sirius, Don't Be a Hero

23rd April 2009:
Well, I really liked this chapter. I'm beginning to actually appreciate Tessa's faults instead of want to hit her over them. She's definitely got a major attitude, but her stubbornness and determination are admirable. She has to deal with a lot of pain and does so without a flinch. I only wish she would hold off on the whole talking down to her friends thing.

What I liked most about this chapter was that it was in Sirius' perspective and I got to see how he truly feels about her. It's a little bit pathetic (in the best possible way, of course) that he is so taken with someone who won't spare him a thought unless it's to snap at him or it's for her own advantage. I don't really see Sirius as someone who would let himself be walked all over, either, which makes certain bits of the story hard for me to cope with. I still like it, though; don't get me wrong.

Oh, and yay for Remus at the end of this! :) I was waiting for something along those lines, as I've probably made abundantly clear through my other reviews. Nice work! And if you ever need me to review more of this story, be sure to re-request. I'd love to help out, and maybe even start from the beginning this time haha.

~Subroa

Author's Response: You're amazing.
Thank you so much for your awesome reviews.
I'm thinking you'll like the direction this is going. There are even going to be more chapters in REMUS' POV :D
This story switches off between Tessa, Sirius, and Remus' povs.
Filthy little love triangle.
Love it.


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Review #21, by subrosaSkeptics and True Believers: Tessa Becomes an Ally

23rd April 2009:
This was really cute. I loved the ally thing between Tessa and Sirius, even though I still have that deep desire for her to be with Remus. There's a lot more Sirius/OC stories out there than there is Remus/OC ones, after all. You can't blame a girl for hoping, right? :) What position does Tessa play in Quidditch? I was just wondering since I'm still trying to gather more about her from what little I've read.

I'd say to continue to work on your sentences and punctuation. Try to be careful with comma use. Oh, and are
Tessa's bruises supposed to be relatively healed in this chapter? I can't imagine her climbing a tree with a bruised torso if it was still hurting her. That confused me since she had just said that her body was aching. Either way, nice work!

~Subroa

Author's Response: :D
Like I said in the last review response, there's gonna be some Remus/Tessa goin' on soon. I completely know what you mean about Remus/OC stories. Remus is one of my favourites, but it's really hard to find a good Remus/OC story! I'm actually working on one right now... :D
Oh, and Tessa is the Keeper.
She gets so competitive sometimes that she ignores her hurt. She is a very stubborn little girl.
I'll be sure to work more on my punctuation. I feel that that's a big deal. My English teacher claims that I get "comma happy". Haha.
Thanks so much!


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Review #22, by subrosaSkeptics and True Believers: Tessa's Counterfeit Disposition Can't be Good for her Health

23rd April 2009:
Now, I tried my best to get a firm handle on what was happening in this story thus far without reading the entire thing (hopefully I'll eventually find the time to read it). What I got from this, I definitely enjoyed. Tessa is purposely kind of hard to have patience with, right? Because, I was constantly finding her actions annoying. Like the whole outfit crisis when she was leaving the Hospital Wing. I wanted to somehow give her a little shake. :D I saw that this was Sirius/OC and a bit of Remus/OC, but I can't help but push for Remus a bit more. Tessa seems very opposite of Remus, which is cute. She stresses, is kind of the cliche dumb blonde, and is a klutz. Remus is very calm and intelligent, has a load of patience, and doesn't seem like the type of person who screws up a lot. It's very opposites-attract to me. And I have a weakness for that.

The only thing I'd say to work on is a few sentence structures, especially in the beginning. The first paragraph where she's saying that she wasn't admitting that certain things bothered her, just seemed to need punctuation help. There were a few more issues with flow, but generally it was good. I liked it, and I definitely like how you keep each person in-character with no faults. Good work!

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thank you so much.
I've been told that I'm good with characters, but I'm constantly apprehensive about it, so the positive feedback is awesome.
I'mma work on my sentence structure a bit. Thanks :D
As for Remus/OC... it's gonna go in that direction for a while... that's as much as I can say XD


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Review #23, by subrosaTo Understand Another: Feelings

22nd April 2009:
I really liked this. It was a beautiful, thoughtful concept that you made believable for Luna. I could imagine that kind of thing being what made her so odd to other people. Her unusual nature was kind of understated, but still there in your writing so it wasn't as if she were OOC. The beginning of this was a little slow for me to get into, but I enjoyed the fact that before you included Luna's name I wouldn't have guessed she was the main character if I hadn't looked at the banner for this fic. Overall, I think you did a really nice job. Especially at the end with Harry.

The only thing I'd say to work on is at the end with Luna's characterization. She doesn't seem nearly as airy as she usually is with her thoughts. I can't see her as someone who would even think about another person as a slob for a second. Great job, though! :)

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thank you! I didn't intend for this to be a look into the reason why Luna is the way she is - I just couldn't imagine anyone else to fit this person with no sense of touch. I agree with you about the characterization of Luna. If I may, she is terribly difficult to write, so I'll be practicing. I'm determined to get her right.

Thank you so much ^_^


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Review #24, by subrosaRemember Me: Recollections

22nd April 2009:
This was fantastically written. I loved it! :) You really were creative with the set up of the story, between the flashbacks and the present. I thought Severus was a bit OOC for me, what with him being more straightforward then I'd expect from such an awkward person; yet, it wasn't so much so that it took away from the brilliance of everything else. You really captured their emotions, and I enjoyed the part that took place on their last day of Hogwarts. I'm a senior in high school, so I'm kind of feeling that anxiety/excitement right now and you seemed to really nail those emotions.

The only think I'd say to work on is the few errors I found. Just read it through once more. There was a part where you forgot to put a first quotation at the beginning of one of Lily's sentences, a part where you missed a word, and I think two parts with misspellings. They were minor, but still.

Anyway, good work! :D If you ever need more reviews be sure to let me know. Your writing is really promising.

~Subroa

Author's Response: Thank you! =) I was more worried about Snape's characterization than Lily's, to be honest, simply because there is more to base our views on him by so it is harder to mimic. I will reread and fix the minor details.

I completely understand what you mean about the graduating high school thing by the way, I'm graduating soon too.

Thank you for reviewing! =)


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Review #25, by subrosaEssential: Royalty

20th April 2009:
This was a wonderful start! I love the idea behind the story. It's really creative. I've never read a Bellatrix fic before, so this was an awesome way for me to start off I think. :) You had no spelling mistakes whatsoever, yet there were a few parts where I found the punctuation to be off. Just unnecessary commas and such. Nothing that takes away from the story. What I really enjoyed was the dialogue. It seemed very in-character for Bella's mother and a little girl who was still new to the ways of her family. Children are so naive, they'll take anything their parents say to heart. You really captured that. All I can say for you to really work on is maybe working in a bit more description. The settings and such. You could have gone into a lot more detail with the Muggleborn man in Diagon Alley, or perhaps an introduction into Bella's home while they were sitting down for tea. It must be very lavish. Either way, you're off to a good start. Well done!

~Subroa

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked your first Bella story! And I'm really glad it was mine!
Thanks for all the advice and such; I've gotten a lot of requests for more description, and I'll definitely put mroe in.
Thanks a bunch!!!


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