I was scrolling over your page trying to decide what to read, and something about this kept jumping off the page at me, so I decided that this was it!
I thought the use of second person was an interesting choice. I know you utilize this person in Seeing Double, a story that takes place primarily within Molly's head, but this story seems to have more action and things happening so I'm very interested to see how that works out. That being said, you write the second person so well! You have a way of making the reader forget that it is second person and just become immersed in the story, and that's a real talent. I was rather pleased to see that the discription in this story wasn't heavy or languid. James is a young man, and so the lack of overtly flowerly description suited him very well!! Well done! I know that I have a tendency to love the artful pretty descriptions, and so I know I'd likely struggle with toning that down to suit James for a story like this. :) Well done, well done.
Now I know this is a slash fic and I can't help but notice how much attention James is playing this white-wine drinking stranger. I wonder, though -- does James realize now that he's attracted to this man? Has he ever been attracted to a man before? akfasdjfoai. These are good questions to leave a reader asking because now I'm going to most likely have to continue reading this story to find out! lol.
All in all great first chapter! I hope to find time ot read the next one sometime soon. :) Report Review
I finally was able to get onto the forums and saw your response to my review swap status, so here I am!! I thought that this was an incredibly enjoyable and funny chapter. I thought that the beginning felt a tad bit force, but you really hit your stride about a quarter of the way into it and the rest of the way through was pure gold.
I love how different your Angelina is from mine!! It's so neat to see her as 'one of the guys'. I also loved seeing somebody other than Ron having friends over to the burrow -- in canon we sort of get the impression that Hermione and Harry are the only friends that ever get to stop by the burrow. Lee and Angelina are two of my favorite characters (as i'm sure you know) and you write them in such a light and amusing way.
I'm almost jealous of how funny your George is. All that talk abut broomsticks and packages and such. Clever, clever. ;) I was a little surprised when Charlie asked Angelina to come visit -- I guess I hadn't realized that they knew each other well. And I was even more surprised that she has a boyfriend!! Ah. Poor Georgie.
Good chapter and I hope to read some more soon. :)Author's Response: Hello!
*Fangirls* Hey, how are you? I wasn't sure if you would have been able to do a swap at all because I had noticed that your status update had been from a few days ago. I'd thought that you'd have been busy so I was like, "Well, I tried." Hahha. So, its great to see you back and this means I can go and read more of your awesome work!
I always have a rocky start making the first chapter of any of my stories but this one was really tough. Fred and George are so hard to write for and I was feeling a little under pressure to get them the way I needed. I'd hoped to have been able to get used to George by now since I've written him for another story but he's just so difficult! >:(
It angers me. Hahaha.
Ah! My Angelina and your Angelina are a bit different, I guess I always had seen her as more of a tomboy but I sort of just went off the fact that she was friends with the twins for so long that she had inherited some of their qualities. Hahah.
For better or worse? :D
I was sort of under the weird impression that the other kids were just hermits or something because we really didn't see them having friends over at the Burrow. But then I thought, that, since the twins knew Lee and Angie really well that it would make sense.
Much to Percy's horror. Hahaha.
Yay, Lee and Angie! I love those two characters too, I think you can just play around with them so much since we don't know much from them aside from canon.
Hahaha, I think I did okay with my George, like I said, he's really, really hard to write for. His jokes are more raunchy but I think I did it on purpose and he might mention it later. Either that or I'm thinking about Fred. :p
And I'm all for a dirty joke. ;)
Charlie was their captain for the Quidditch team at some point wasn't he? Or have I been reading too many FF's? I just sort of figured that he and Angie knew each other all right to speak to one another but it is sort of surprising that he asked her out. But, then again, I'm making Charlie a flirt so it may or may not make sense. Or something. :p
Yes! The big surprise with Angelina in this chapter was the fact that she had a bf, much to George's annoyance. But he's going to feel stupider for not saying something about how he feels about her later. :D
Poor Georgie indeed.
Anyhoo, thanks for stopping by and feel free to come back whenever you like! I'll be looking at your work soon!
Gabbie Report Review
ohmygoodness. I'm dying.
okay, melissa, stop giggling long enough to breathe.
This was hysterical. I seriously couldn't stop laughing and everytime I though you reached a new point of ridiculousness that I didn't think you'd exceed again with in the chapter, you did. Seeing Percy and all of his fears -- I really respect why he detests the subway. Germs and slimey kids -shudders-. His fear of sealions made me lol -- they actually carry a disease that can transmit to pigs that causes a lot of problems in the swine industry. (thought you'd appreciate that Percy's fear isn't totally unfounded if he were a swine farmer living on the coast of california). His letter as he thought he wrote it ... I nearly died. He was so matter of fact, and that he thought it was a well worded letter. ahaha. And then seeing what he actually wrote. Too funny. I'm so glad that the letter more closely resmembled something found in eloquence by erica than the letter he thought he'd written. AND NOW AUDREY THINKS HE'S FUNNAY AND IS SHOWING HIM MICE WULNUT HELMETS. that's the makings of true love, don't even lie.
gah. This was a fantastic chapter!! Can't wait to read the next (and last?) one!Author's Response: MEL. ♥
The ridiculousness abounds. ~
I'm biased against all children who aren't my own, and avoid touching them. I know where those fingers have been - in their noses and other people's noses and in their mouths and ew.
Eloquence by Erica would have been proud of the letter he actually wrote. MICE WALNUT HELMETS. SURELY THIS IS DESTINY.
♥ The last chapter is officially up, just for yooouuu. ♥ Report Review
So I'm snowed in, and thought I'll catch up on some reading and boy am I glad I did!! I seriously forgot how light and silly and absolutely hilarious this story is. Like, I wish I could quote all of it here because each and every line of it is gold. Or platinum. maybe diamond. Every line rolls off the screen with such a tongue in cheek seriousness that I found myself taking a beat after each one before combusting into a cacophony of giggles when I realized how ridiculous it was. Love it -- it reads with such an ease that I'm here in my igloo writhing with jealousy.
The scene with Percy and George was my favorite (I bet you're suprised, right?) It was so silly and whimsical. Percy is in lurveee. He couldn't fool anybody even if they were blind and deaf. George's advice about wearing a fancy jacket to catch a bird. -snort- All I can picture is him in his neon green dragonhide coat over his magenta WWW robes. Gah. Weasleys. There is always something special about their banter that leaves me remembering why it is I read fanfiction.
With as much as I loved the first scene, I also enjoyed Audrey's scene. That girl -- she's cray cray fo sho, but somehow makes it so endearing and entertaining. I loved seeing how normal Wood was compared to her, and all the descriptions of what she wears -- the tree fingersss. lololol. She's perfect. I don't think anybody else could come close to pulling off such an off the wall character and make her so likable. You, my dear, have so much talent and I'm so so glad you write fanfiction and share it with all of us.
Great chapter!! ~onto the next~Author's Response: HAY THERE MEL OVER THERE IN YOUR IGLOO. ~waves with tree branch fingers~
I love Weasleys, and George is the best kind of Weasley, I think (well they all are but he's a front-runner). I'm happy with his background presence in this story, popping in every now and again just to embarrass poor Percy and make him feel more nervous than he already was.
Audrey is fifty flavors of weird. The girl is not all there. But I've had so much fun writing her and hope that her future is filled with loads of drama and mystery to keep her happily satisfied.
Thank you endlessly for your lovely support of this story, Molosso. You are the sprinkles to my frosting. Report Review
So I had a really difficult choosing what I wanted to read off of your page!! There is a tremendous amount of diversity there, so kudos to you for that. I was torn between this and your Astoria fic (I want to save your georgelina for when I finish mine -- don't want to muddle my mind at all, lol), but I eventually chose this seeing as there are't many Roxanne fics on the archive.
I thought that you have a really unique and interesting take on all of the extended Weasley family!! I was a little thrown by you calling Fred, Perce but I got used to it as the story progressed. Percy and Audrey were my favorite!! I really like your take on George and Angelina, and thought that your characterization of Roxanne was wonderful!!
I do wonder if maybe there was an awful lot of detail in this one little chapter -- it could very well be a bit overwhelming for readers new to the next gen genre or even to experienced readers. I was able to follow along easily enough, but I think that when I read later chapters I may pause and wonder what details belonged to which people.
This is only a minor, stylistic suggestion, though!! All in all, I thought that this was a lovely chapter!! I am very intrigued about this Benjamin Malfoy -- any reason you didn't use Scorpius?? I think it's really cool that you are trying something different by giving Malfoy an adoptive son. good for you.
Great work!! I'm anxious to see how chapter two plays out (and to read astoria ... and eventually your georgelina). &hearts.Author's Response: Hey! :D
*Fangirls* Oh, my goodness! I don't even know what to say, thank you so much! *fangirls again* I was just about to log off but decided to look at my stories one more time (To see if anyone answered my reviews, to be honest, hehe) when I noticed that I got one more bump on this story.
I wasn't at all sure what you would stop by to review, to be honest. I couldn't think what you might have liked the most but this wasn't the story that I thought you'd hop onto! But I suppose you could save my Astoria story for later and my Georgelina is calling your name! Give in to temptation! Hahah.
Nah, don't do that, its cool.
Or is it?
Anyway, I noticed that there weren't alot of Roxanne stories on the archive, which I thought was a shame. I had written this story, originally titled as "Growth" but got rid of it when I couldn't get it to go where I needed.
It was so hard writing all of those Weasleys and my details got really muddled after a while and I aplogozie. Its a bad habit of mine that I make in all of my stories, I have to start cutting back on them a little.
And edit more. Hehehe.
With Roxanne calling her brother "Perce" instead of Fred, I just wanted to try something different. It might come up later in more depth but for now, its just a nickname that I hope doesn't bug anyone. Heheh.
Percy/Audrey forever! >_< I love them!
Georgelina FOREVER! Hahaha. I'd had a better grasp of those two since doing my story so writing them wasn't really that hard this time.
I think? Hahaha.
Benjamin! Yep, I'd wanted to try something a little different instead of using Scorpius. (I will tell you now that I spell his name wrong, going on a typo so its Scorpious. Not that its important or anything.) In my NG, Scorpius is actually still eleven, ten in this fanfic so him and Roxanne hooking up is sort of, uhm, naughty. Haha.
Benjamin himself is a good character to write for since he's an OC. But you might not like him too much towards the last chapter I have up if you keep reading. >:D
Thanks so much for coming to read this and I hope to see you around on the forums! :D
So many hearts!
Gabbie Report Review
I really enjoyed this little story! Though, it really did read like two separate stories -- the first scene with Sirius in the demolished Potter house and then the second with his pursuit of Peter. Both were incredibly well written and lovely missing moments from PoA, but they did feel a little disjointed from one another.
It was so moving to see the thin and broken Sirius in the ruins of the Potter house -- remembering what once was, looking at photographs and the long abondoned letter Lily had been writing. I loved the mention of the mirrow!! How he'd like to give it to Harry one day. Gahh. I have such a soft spot for well written Marauder fiction. I think the only thing that could have made the first scene better in the context of this particular story was stronger transition into the next scene with him tracking and chasing Peter -- it could even be a fleeting thought about revenge or finding the rat, anything.
The second scene too, was very well written if not a tad bit random following the first very somber scene. I liked seeing Sirius' lighter thoughts about pranking as he passed Hagrid's pumpkins, and thought it was sort of amusing to imagine him scarfing up the terrified girl's biscuit. The encounter between Sirius and Peter was so tense!! I t was fabulous.. and then the encounter between Sirius and the Fat lady too! You did such a great job of filling in some these 'missing' scenes. I love PoA and found this story to be really enjoyable.
Great work!! Great swap!! Let me know if you ever want to swap again.Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for the review! =)
Ah yes, there was a slight change of tone there. I guess I could have made it bit more cohesive with better transition, thanks for pointing it out. I doubt I'll make any big changes in this one anymore, but I'll remember that in future.
I'm glad you enjoyed this fic, it was quite heartbreaking to write. I'm still trying to learn how to write a good action scenes, so I'm very happy that you liked those encounters. PoA is my favorite too, and I've always felt that Sirius's visit to castle would have been interesting to read about.
It was fun to swap with you. Let's do it again sometime in the future. Happy holidays! =) Report Review
This was such an enjoyable read and I'm so, so glad I selected it. I was first pulled into it by the banner -- I have a very soft spot for stories about the Weasley brothers or their spouses, and so Fleur is no different. I decided I definitely had to read this story when I looked over the reviews and saw all the (what I know know to be very very well earned) glowing praise it's received.
Fleur is such an intriguing character!! She's of course very beautiful and is often perceived as being rather cold -- given her portrayal in GoF, but she must also be loving and brave to have stood beside bill through such difficult and dangerous times, and I think you captured the complexity of her character really really well in this story. I found the parts where she's forcing herself not to feel or cry b/c it's not her place, it's their time to grieve and her time to be strong for them. I think this is the sort of mentality that is often perveived as coldness in canon. From the outside, I think it'd be very easy to assume that somebody not crying in such a horrifying state of affairs was a cold person, but seeing her thoughts and grief in the absence of her tears speaks to her very caring protective nature. She's really rather maternal, I think -- I imagine her to be a wonderful mother to Victoire, Dom and Louis.
I was also really moved when she saw Ginny as Gabrielle. When she said that one of her best skills was being a good sister. When you described Ginny not as a young woman, but as a child -- it all really served to put this battle and its insensible losses into perspective. they really are (most of them) only children. Whenever fic reminds me of just how young these impromtu, willing soldiers who fought and died in this battle, I'm always reminded of the quotes JKR chose to place in the front of DH and feel the emotions I felt the very first time I read them all over again. It's not very often that people represent Ginny in a soft light, and I really appreciated the way you handled her character here.
Annd the action! Wowee! It was all really well done. I love the presence of mind that Fleur had to grab Ginny's wand before offering herself over to Greyback. I cannot even believe what had to be running through Bill's mind during those few moments, already having lost so much.
Gosh, Jami... this is spectacular. I know that you said that this was your first second person fic, but you really did quite well balancing the disconnect inherent to the style with Fleur's rather personal thoughts. I often find that if you start writing a fic and it just comes out in the second person that it is meant to be and it will work if you see it through. This reads like such a story and I'm glad you were brave enough to see it through. The result is really quite excellent.
Great story and great swap!! Keep up the great work, my dear, you're fab.
MelissaAuthor's Response: I'm so happy you chose this piece! I didn't want to link it, just because I know it's not everyone's cup of tea.. but yeah I did back flips inside when I saw the new review for it. Also, I'm replying to it now because if I don't I'll chicken out and it'll sit here for days. ANYWAY.
Fleur is one of my very favorite characters to write about because of those complexities. She married a man who was part of a family of the biggest blood traitors, some of the most target by Voldemort... she stuck by him after her wedding was attacked by Death Eaters.. and when she's portrayed as that stupid, mean girl that has nothing but looks going for her I just want to scream. I'm so happy that you felt like I did justice to her complexities in this. And I think your exactly write about what she's doing because while she's not crying, that may come off to the people that don't know her well as cold, it's anything but. She just knows that she doesn't deserve to hurt the way these people are, she needs to help them. And I totally agree with your opinion on what a good mother she'd make. The fact that she's so protective of her younger speaks volumes about her character, imo.
For Athene Goodstrengths Strange Meeting challenge I was assigned these two, and I knew that the only realistic meeting would be during the battle. So, though I'm not entirely convinced she would be the one to step up knowing what kind of fear it would cause Bill, I do think the scenario ended up working well in this.
Ahhh I'm so happy you liked the second person ♥ And this story.. You know how much I love your writing, so seeing all these nice complements from you just makes me want to hug you so hard until you make a squeeze noise. At least, that's what I do to Tryp :P Thanks for such an awesome swap, m'dear ♥ Report Review
This was such an enjoyable read!! I'm not all that big of a next-generation fan, especially where Scorpius and Rose are concerned, but this was so fresh and funny and absolutely lovely that I couldn't help but be sucked in by it all. Your scorpius is darling -- woebegone is an excellent term. I love the use of first person for this story, and you really seem to have gotten inside of his head quite well. Call me a Rose, but I think his relationship with his mum is a little sad, too. I couldn't imagine a mother who couldn't be vulnerable enough to spend time with her child without her face and hair being done up. But, then again, Scorpius does make a valid point -- that's his only experience of mother and so to him, that's what mother is. I thought you did an excellent job of weaving in some Malfoy family history and the general public's views on the Malfoy family into Scorpius' narrative -- it all seemed like a very realistic outcome for them.
I found myself to be particularly fond of Scorpius' work environment. It really seems like an interesting cast of characters. Especially Lottie. That girl -- lololol. I sort of can picture this terribly eager girl with round glasses and no idea how Scorpio takes his coffee, but just trying to be helpful and there. She's adorable. Scorpius' interpretation of her seems a little sad though -- that he sees her as a girl with little self esteem who deems herself not very important, being only a secretary. :( I rather agree with Rose on the matter -- maybe she does feel more comfortable with guys. And besides, who wouldn't want to chat with scorpius?? He seems perfectly lovely.
I dont' find myself feeling all that sad for scorpius having lost Rose -- and I hope that he can remain friends with her even if she changes her mind and decides she wants their relationship back. I also find myself hoping on a small level that Scorpius and Lottie get together. Call me crazy (I know it's only the first chapter) but ships must sail, and I call captaining the S.S. Lottius.
All in all this was a great chapter!! I would suggest (now that the craziness of Nano is over) going through and doing a quick edit. There were a few typos through out this chapter, but nothing so bad as to distract from the context of the story. Excellent job, and I'm really looking forward to reading the rest of this story!
Melissa Report Review
Here from the forums Review Tag!!
So when I was browsing over your page to decide which of your one shots I wanted to read, this one immediately caught my eye. Then, when I looked more closely at it and realized that this was a task one entry... I very nearly decided against reading it -- there were so many stories about characters and dragons whether real or metaphorical, that I just wasn't certain that I could stomach another one. However, I did click it and I'm quite pleased with what I found. This was very different from what I had expected it to be, and I suppose, a lesson on why not to judge a book (or a fic, in this case :P ) by it's cover.
I thought you did a very good job with Narcissa's characterization -- no matter her political or social affiliations, it was always clear in canon that she was a devoted and loving mother. I also thought you did a good job of balancing her internal monologe with the action of the scene -- the part with the boggart was particularly well written and gave me the chills.
Perhaps it's just your style of writing (I know myself, that I sometimes have a way of sort of writing sentences in a backwards/round-about sort of a way), but I felt like the only thing in this fic that could perhaps be improved on was the sentence construction. Some of your sentences seemed to use too many words to get to the point causing the flow of the story to be disrupted. As I said earlier, this happens to me all the time! I've found that reading a chapter out loud helps me to find the places where the wording gets a bit awkward, so perhaps you might find that helpful!
All in all, this was a lovely little one shot that I wouldn't at all of had a hard time fitting into my concept of pre-Hogwarts Canon if it wasn't for your A/N at the end!! It was well written and very sweet to see a softer more feminine side of Narcissa.
Well done!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I know what you mean, I have read a lot of Task one entries, and I couldn't stomach any more of them either, lol. That's why I tried to write something that was a little more different and hopefully original, and glad you liked it xD
I am happy to know that you liked my characterisation of Narcissa. I tried to maintain a balance between the action and the internal monologue really hard, especially because I have never written action before, so good to know it worked for you :)
Since I am not a native english speaker, I understand that my sentence construction can be a little off at times, I just don't know what to do about it. Thanks for the tip though, I'll try the next time I am writing :)
Thank you so much for reviewing this, once again. I am glad you enjoyed this! Report Review
I just wanted to take a moment to leave you a quick review for this story! I adored everything about this: snape's voice was spot on (especially the bits where he'd write comments by each of the student's names), your comedic timing was impeccable, your exagerated characterizaton of the slytherin house had me in stitches, and the last line really served to tie it all together. This was such a creative and well written one shot!! I'm so glad that you wrote it and that I took the time to read it!! Reading this reminds me how little of your work I've actually read, and what a shame that is!! I do hope to make some more time in the future!Author's Response: Hi, there!
This was one of the most fun things I've ever written. There's so much snark to tap into when you write Snape and to be quite honest about it, I'm a pretty snarky person. I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Heyyy. Sorry it took me so long to get to this!! I really am glad I finally got the chance to! This was a fantastic chapter. I'm going to keep my review short and to the point for sake of time, but please know how much I really did enjoy this!! Charlie is such a babe and I loved the chance to be inside his head and see he philosophy on life and on his dragons and such. He's thoughtful, but manly and gruff and so, so funny. I thought his banter with Gus was great -- though bird is a commonly used term for girl in the UK now, it's not at all antiquidated from what I understand. Based on things I've heard from my friend currently studying in the UK, boys there use bird like boys here use the word chick. The only other correction I had for you is the bit about the dragon's neck posture -- straight and angled back, not angles :P I'm sure that's just a typo, but I thought I'd point it out to you.
Other than that this was a fabulous chapter!! I know he's fictional, but I'm just so proud of him!!
Great chapterAuthor's Response: Melissa! Sorry for the long wait for my response. I was out of town for a bit.
Ahh I wasn't sure about bird when I used that. I was on a website that made it seem like it's pretty outdated, but you know how accurate this things are *eye roll* then the other did compare it to chick. But chick is pretty much only used by older people where I'm from in the US, so maybe that's what made me think Bird was an older word.. hmm I'm going to have to go pick a Brit's mind... haha thank you for pointing that you. And yes, angled, not angels.. haha thank you :P.
I'm so happy you liked this chapter ♥ Tonks has been super hard to write after this because I had so much FUN playing with Charlie and the Dragons.
Seeing your reviews always puts me in the best mood ever ♥ thank you for stopping by!
Omg. Sarah... the adorable-ness of this chapter, I swear I'm the grinch and my heart just grew three sizes that day (this day?... st00pid quote). Your Percy is precious!! I seriously love him -- avoiding positions of power for the sake of avoiding the obsession that comes along with it, for the sake of maintaining the all-important relationship with his family. The image of him preparing dozens of sandwiches each morning is both adorable and hilarious. He's such a particular fellow that I can easily imagine him assuring that the ratio of meat to cheese is just so, making sure the angle of the mustard strip is just right --heck, he may even use a protracter. lol. Only percy -- this percy in particular -- would seriously think that this date was a good one and deserving of a second. Poor Percy, lol. I did particularly like the bit where he asked Audrey if he could write her to get to know her the old fashioned way -- that he was more eloquent on paper than in person. he's such a babe. If percy/audrey wasn't cannon and wonderfully lovely, I'd protest and ship myself with him. :P
Audrey continued to be her infinitely amusing, slightly off-beat self. I love her subtlety or lack there of -- the garlic, the silver, the ever so casual mentions of blood. I want to see this Audrey in the future motherin over little molly and lucy... I'm sure they have amazing times at home playing together and listening to stories and such. I literally cringed when she noticed somebody else's lipstick on the straw -- dakfjwoieja eurgh.
Oh! and this was such a small bit of the chapter, but I really enjoyed it as it brought a layer of culture and realism to the world of harry potter. When Audrey asks Percy if he is religious and he responds with his astrological sign. I don't know why, but that tiny little detail really made an impact on me and got my wheels turning about the Weasley family and their experience with religion in general.
This was such a great chapter! I can't wait for the next one!! they never fail to amuse me greatly.
Oh, one tiny typo I found, in case you want to fix it: "when the sunlight him them" I think him should be hit. :)
Again, great chapter!! Keep up the good work.Author's Response: MARSHMELLOW. GET IT. MELLOW INSTEAD OF MALLOW. AS IN MEL. AS IN MELISSA. AS IN I AM IN THE FESTIVE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TODAY AND YOU ARE A GREEN CHRISTMAS-TREE SHAPED MARSHMALLOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, PLEASE MAKE ME STOP TALKING.
Percy using a protractor to arrange his sandwiches - LULZ. I can definitely see him doing that. He loves to micromanage the small stuff, in the areas he does have control over. And then he goes to work and is at the mercy of other peoples' appetites. Poor Percy. He obviously belongs in a top ministry position but he suppresses the temptation.
I would ship Percy/Mel, jsyk.
Oooh that little astrological detail. I know that the magical world acknowledges Easter and Christmas; on the whole I think that they do practice religion but keep it out of Hogwarts for practical reasons, because they contain all walks of life. But Ron doesn't appear to have been raised in any particular religion and I think the Weasley children wouldn't know very much about religion at all, judging from what we know of them. So Percy took his best stab at it and missed. XD
Thank you for pointing out my typo! It slipped under the radar during my proofread, the sneaky little thing.
♥ Thank you for being so awesome and supportive, Mel. U da best~ Report Review
omggg. I literally may suffocate I'm laughing so hard at this chapter. It was brilliant and ridiculous and so, so so good. This story!! Gah, I seriously am in such awe of you and your talent to create something new and unique and brilliant and entertaining everytime you write something new. Every story is different but equally fabulous, and this one is no different.
I really really enjoyed getting to see some more of Percy -- I nearly forgot Audrey was still tailing him until her name would pop up and she'd make some off the wall assumption. It is so, so interesting to see Percy in such a small role, professionally speaking. At the same time, the image of him pushing around a trolley of puddings and sandwiches is priceless. I do hope he's wearing a little frilly apron... and if not he is in my head. :P
Oh, Audrey. Of course Percy is a vampire laying low as a dispenser of snacks while plotting to overthrow the magical governing body of england. What other explanation could there be??
I felt so defensive when JUELUE (LOLOLOL) and Robbins were bullying him. I'd imagine that percy was bullied a lot as a child and not just from his siblings -- preteens are not nice, and so I'm sure school was a bit of a rough environment for him until he got that Prefect badge.
THE WEASLEY FAMILY IN HIS HEAD. Sarah. Seriously, I don't have the words to tell you how funny and absolutely perfect that was. Everything from Mrs Weasley scolding George to Ron's tendency to speak without thinking and everything... perfection. (H)
I laughed particularly hard when Percy approached Audrey speaking to the weasleys in his head outloud. lololol. What a loonytune. The best part about this entire chapter was that even after acting like a complete nutter, Audrey still agreed to go to lunch with him.
And I'll end this super rambly review by quoting this one part of the chapter that really really made me laugh quite hard:
"“So,” he went on with much more bravado than he felt. “How about hot pants? I mean – pants on fire – I mean…ahhh…” He smacked himself in the face, straightening up. “Tea!” He was fairly screaming now. “Please? Do you like tea? Does your boyfriend like tea? You and I and your boyfriend could all go out for tea together. My treat!”"
lolol. Percy percy percy. you just asked to be a third wheel.
Gah. This is fabulous and I can't wait for the next chapter to see what happens at lunch. :)
Loff.Author's Response: BAW, MEL. ♥
Audrey's a few fries short of a happy meal. Lulz, Percy in an apron. I explain this a little more in the next chapter, but Percy intentionally limited himself to the small role of sandwich-pusher. He thinks that if he became more important within the Ministry, his family would dislike him again and he would turn back into a prat. So there was a bit of sacrifice.
Juelue HEEE, I am cl3v3r. Yeah, you're probably right about everyone bullying Percy when he was younger. :( That's most likely the reason why he was flashing his badge all over the place. Got to play every card you've got - especially in a family where preceding siblings have already been successful in other areas. And come to think of it, I don't think he had any friends in the books. There was Penelope, but she was the only one mentioned.
:( Now I am sad.
The Weasley family in his head was totes inspired by WAT! I've been itching to write them because of your story. I'm hoping to squeeze in some George into chapter 4!
Percy and Audrey are quite cracky in this story. It's really enjoyable to write. XD Percy volunteering himself on a date with Audrey's nonexistent boyfriend. He is the picture of smooth.
♥ You da best 5eva. Report Review
Jamiii. I'll haveyou know that you are a terrible influence. Terrible. Here I am with 60 pages of study guide that I need to learn *coughmemorizecough* by tomorrow and I log onto the forums just to make sure that I don't have any PM's from new members asking for common room passwords and lo and behold I read your status. and here I am.
GAHHH. I ADORE TONKS/CHARLIE, LIKE TO THE MOON AND BACK. This was a really great opening chapter. I really enjoy the voice you give to Tonks!! The bit about why she thinks Charlie wears jeans is hilarious. I think I'd like to see a little bit more of that spunkiness in the narrative -- it's something that is really unique to the first person narrative and since she does have a great voice, may as well take advantage.
I enjoyed all of the scenes, but the opening bit, the mini prologue of sorts, seemed a tad formal -- there were a lot pretty words and extended metaphors, and don't get me wrong, it was a very good bit of writing, but I almost felt as though it was too pretty or formal (stylistically) for the rest of the fic. Please keep in mind that this is a really minute critique, and just something for you to think about. All in all this was a great first chapter and I cannot wait to read the rest!!
alsdkjfowaiejoijf great work. :)Author's Response: I was so surprised to see you! I can't even lecture you about being naughty and putting off studying because this review was just too awesome ♥
I think the first few paragraphs might meld better by the end when you see where it's coming from. But because I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets.. think of that as Tonks's final goodbye to Charlie. She's ready to move on with her life, to be with someone who makes her happy and healthy, not the catastrophic kind of happy she and Charlie have.
First person is terrifying to me so far, haha! In the span of a week I've done first and second person stories. I must be going crazy. I'll absolutely try and add a bit more spunk in the next chapter. I'm trying to avoid the... I don't know. There's this personality trait I don't like about her, and I don't know what it is.. But I know I'm trying to avoid it, haha!
I am so happy you liked this first bit ♥ the second one is nearly done. But I'm trying to finish chapter 11 of BTF before I put it in the queue.
Good luck studying, m'dear! And thank you so much for stopping by, this review made my day ♥
Hellooo. (that hello would have more O's if not for the 3 character rule that would inevitably turn it back into a plain old hello)
I've been very excited for this story since you first began pondering writing a Percy/Audrey fic and here it is at last!! I am always so stunned by your ability to create these vibrant, diverse characters, and your latest, Miss Audrey Bellpepper, has continued the pattern. She's so funny and lulzy and her internal monologue is to die for. There are so so many things I can comment on that made me snort, but I'll limit myself to a few:
"No one abided by the vigilante code anymore. It was madness."
LOL. Poor Audrey, the last of the vigilantes. She takes her job so seriously and it contrasts so, so perfectly with how off beat and funny her thoughts actually are. It's great b/c I don't think she thinks of her thoughts as funny -- and that sort of oblivious modesty is very refreshing.
"It’s where all the head-cases ended up."
LOLOLOL. I know she's referencing Wood here (which in and of itself is hilarious, crazy wood falling off his broom and being shunted to paranormal detective office...lol), but seeing as this is a PERCY/audrey and Percy more or less lives and breathes for the ministry... she's essentially already classified her future hubby and father of her children as a headcase. I appreciate that. :P
"Maybe he was keeping an eye on the Minister himself, chatting him up like all the Weasleys were prone to do just to remind everyone else that they were on first-name terms with old Shacklebolt."
Outsider opinion of the Weasleys (H) love it.
Gahhh. all of your discriptions are so wonderful and brisk and so well suited to the pace of this piece. It has a very film noir feel to it, with the detective jargon and what not, but at the same time, it's sort of spoofy and goofy and a wee bit cracky and it's like you've created this wonderful new crack-noir genre and it's brilliant.
I can't wait to see where this goes next!! Knowing you it could be absolutely anywhere. :) Great job, as always... yet another sarah-fic has found it's home on my favorites list.Author's Response: Ermegherd, Mel, this review. ♥
Poor Audrey, indeed. The last of the vigilantes! She is super srs about her job. She thinks she is the most profesh ever. And she gets /really/ into her missions, too. Does not do anything halfway.
lulz, Audrey classifying Percy as a headcase. He'd have to be, in order to put up with her. She's a few fries short of a happy meal.
The pace of this piece, I've noticed, comes very easily to me because it's so quick, so I'm finding myself typing a mile a minute to keep up with it. It's a lot like the pace of my deleted Next Gen Wayward, may it rest in peace. Crack-noir is a perfect description of it. SO PLEASED YOU LIKE IT. And so pleased you're reading this. ♥ Seriously, Mel, you've already read two of my novels and now you're reading this and I can't thank you enough for your unconditional support. It means a lot to me.
♥ ♥ Report Review
My goodness, Rachel -- this is gorgeous and so intellectual and gahh. Your severus things are the only severus things for me (with a few exceptions) and so this serves as a kick to my memory and procrastination that I should have been and should be reading sneth. gahhh.
Anyway, the thought that hope is the eighth deadly sin is so haunting and almost painful -- hope that someday he can find a redemption from the other seven perhaps? I had such an image (thanks in part to the DHp1 film) of snape standing in the window watching the marching columns of students in the last few passages of this story -- I'm assuming you intended that, but if now, kudos b/c it worked gloriously.
I tend to find myself more fond of more loosely structured onse shots lately (when I'm writing, not necessarily when I'm reading) and the effectiveness that this little one shot packed reminds me how powerful structure can be... it was succint and organized and in being so left such an impact. I loved the way the quotes were interspersed in this, and your references to thing muggle that snape would know and have repressed and possibly detested. I especially loved the reference to atlas... but I'm currently rereading atlas shrugged for about the third time. so, yeah.
Your imagery here was amaz-sauce. It was sparse and succinct just as snape is, but so effective. I especially loved the bit about lily beind a feather dropped from a bird. Where does your brain get these things?? share yo secretz woman. :P
Anywah, this was brilliant and you are brilliant and if I use the word brilliant again I'm not sure how'd I'd do so, but anyway. (too much coffee)
Great one shot!Author's Response: Mel! ♥ It was such a lovely surprise to see you dropping by this story, and of course I'm so flattered to hear your compliments on my Snape. :3 I would honestly love so much for you to read Sneth; that would make my entire life, basically. And hopefully someday you will! Of course you know you don't have to at all, but I can't help it; that story's dear to me. ;)
'Hope' is largely that he'll find redemption for the other seven, yes -- and really, hope's what killed him. He lasted for all these years solely on the premise of Lily, either dead or alive, and it's that hope that he could in some way make it up to her that brought him to this point, sitting in the headmaster's office. I did not intend that image of Snape watching the columns of students marching past, but that image really does fit! I'm glad you pointed that out! :D
I'm the entire opposite, of course -- structure rules my life. I'm so happy that its structure impacted you, though. :) The quotes were the first things I went and found, after deciding that yes, I was going to write /this/ one-shot, and I actually had to pare it down to three from... seven, I think? The Atlas reference came from nowhere, but I really like it, and for some reasons allusions are often factored into my one-shots, of late. (Also -- never read Atlas Shrugged, but I want to!)
The feather dropped from a bird thing? No idea. Honestly. :D SOMETIMES THINGS JUST POP INTO MY BRAIN AND I RUN WITH THEM. TRUFAX. I want coffee now. ♥ Seriously, thank you so much for reviewing this for me! You're fab! Report Review
So I just power read these fifteen chapters and I'm kicking myself b/c I've not read it sooner. I was literally rolling at some of the snark and wit. Everything is so, so fabulous. Your social commentarty is to die for -- literally. I almost choked on my coffee on more than one ocassion. I adore the cast of characters you've pulled together here. Appy... o m g. Appy. lololol. Clemence is such a strong character with such a strong voice. I am so so glad you began writing this story in the first person... it really gives way to insights on her. I know that clemence is sort of harsh and snarky and a little cold, but I found myself identifying with her on so many levels reading this -- her tendency to not mind stepping on people to get what she wants, her need to be important while more or less not giving credit to those who regard her as important -- she's really a great OC. I'm basically in lurves with this story and cannot wait to read more. I needed another WIP to read about as much as Appy needs more glitter, but I clicked on it and now there is no turning back. Easily one of my favorite stories on the archives.
So to reiterated, this is fabulous, you are fabulous, and I'm rubbish for not reading this sooner. Looking forward to the next update!!Author's Response: HI MEL. I am sorry for the coffee choking, it must not be good for your laundry bill. APPY. It's really all you can use to describe her, because she is just so. /Appy/. And there is /never/ enough glitter for appy.
etc totally has to be in first person. Partly due to the unreliability of Clemence and the other part is just that this is my rant space lolol. What's great is that people who know me might be able to pinpoint where I get my inspiration from, and it can have nothing with each other, but when I stick it all in the fic, I realize it all boils down to human nature. I love writing her in these recent chapters because I finally get to make her uncomfortable - and that's the only way to see what's underneath. She's come to represent the snobbish, self-important intellectual, which can strike close to home.
YOU ARE FAB ♥ Report Review
Rachel, I cannot believe tht you are apologizing for the darkness in this chapter -- it was perfect. I know that you said you didn't intend for this story to be this depressing, but honestly your ability to transport the readers into the depths of dispair and horror that your characters stuck at Hogwarts are subject to will make the end all the more gratifying. I'm consistantly amazed at the way you craft the experiences of so many characters in such stark realism. You don't just tell us how Charlie is faring... you allow us to fare it along with him. And let me tell you, I love Charlie Weasley -- I had actually forgotten about him until this chapter (sad, I know) and then you handed him such a crucial role -- his experience and his hope and his horror at the display of Harry represents so much more than just his personal experience. He more or less is every one of the prisoners working in castle... he is every person who once believed Harry to be the savior of the Wizarding world. He is everyone who has somebody on the outside and wonders whether or not he should even hope to see them again. And what a lovely job he does with playing all of those roles.
And then there's hermione. Goshhh. She's such a strong individual in canon, and you really are doing a phenomenal job of capturing that in this story. I cannot wait for Ron to come in and save her. I hope that he is on the back of a dragon in armour brandishing a wand like a lance. :P I kid, I kid... but seriousy. Ron's a babe... he could totes pull it off. Remind me to mention something about hermione's broken wrist to you sometime -- I have a medically relevant suggestion for you. :)
Annnd Dean. I know that in a story like this, casulties are a must and that using names of characters minor to your story but familiar to readers packs a punch of emotion and realism. BUT DEANNN. CREY. I just feel really badly for Seamus now with Neville and Dean and Harry gone... poor gryffindor house, dropping like flies. I suppose that's what they get for being the 'curageous' house. :(
Anyway, this is a long and nonsensicaly rambly review for which I apologize, but your story makes me think and feel so many things that it can't be helped.
Can't wait to read the next chapter!!Author's Response: I'm honestly so, so pleased that you're enjoying how dark this story, Mel. ♥ And I guess when I type that out it seems like a bit of a paradoxical statement -- but I love darkness. I love sad stories, dark stories, angsty stories, stories with rain and tears and shouting and blood and all that. And here, I wanted no barriers, save for ToS. So your comments... they're so, so appreciated. :)
I don't question that you forgot about Charlie; he's not really cropped up in any other chapters, has he? Nevertheless, I could not abandon him, because he is one of my favorite Weasley boys! I love your comment about his really being exemplary of every other prisoner in the castle, because really, that's pretty true. I /want/ you to feel what he's feeling, and the fact that you are makes me really happy!
Now, did you look at my plot notes? That is EXACTLY how Ron's going to charge in! ;) I'm very excited for you to read more on Hermione, and more on just how this whole save-the-castle-from-doom-and-gloom goes down; somehow, I feel it's not what people are expecting... but I could be wrong, and it could be exactly what you guys are expecting. We'll see! :P
Isn't that weird, though, that a lot of the Gryffindor boys of that year are dead? Ugh, now that you've brought that up... Harry, Neville, Dean. That would be so strange, to know that sixty percent of the boys in that small, circular dorm room are dead. Wow. I've never thought about it like that before.
You are fab. ♥ Thank you so much for coming by to leave such a sweet review on this!! I'm so honored to have you as a reader. :3 Should be posting the next chapter sometime later today! Report Review
Okay, Missy. I warned you that this review would most likely be an insensible, incoherent mess of words, and I meant it. This was gorgeous -- the way it sort of saunters through time and flips back and forth between then and now, the extended map metaphor with the actual map wound together with it. You need to write more often because now my eyes are greedy for more.
Your Remus/Sirius is brilliant, and coming from me, that means a lot since I am typically a strict canon shipper. The moments from their lives that you portray her are so tender, knowing where it all eventually leads. D:
I'm going to point out a few lines that stood out to me, but know that I could have easily quoted this entire story.
The walls seem to close in on him until he’s gasping for air, each inhale and exhale spanning the length of a lifetime he’s outlived those he has loved.
^^ this. Just. This completely sums up post OotP Remus to me. It's such a simple sentence, but it carries so, so much in it's simplicity.
"You don’t even like girls,” he points out.
Sirius’s grin widens and he waggles his eyebrows, looking ridiculous, but Remus laughs anyway. “But I do like Remuses,” he admits.
^^ lol. just because this is so adorable that I had to quote it here. I literally felt my heart grow like 3 sizes ala grinch who stole christmas style when I read that.
(because he always returns, Remus tells himself)
^^this echoes the sentiment of Luna near the end of OotP so nicely... the whole, "things we lose have a way of coming back to us." and I don't know if you intended it or not, but it served to place it all in time so well.
Gah. Missy. Like I said, this is a gorgeous one shot. I'm completely convince that nobody writes Remus/Sirius like you do. Fabulous Job!! Report Review
Here with your review from the forums review swap. So I was a bit hesitant when I read your summary. it sounded like a very complex plot, and sometimes (at least in my experience and observation) stories with in depth summaries tend to try to have the entire background of the story crammed into the first chapter -- but this was a breath of fresh air and found myself enormously relieved as I began reading it.
You did a phenominal job with building up enough curiousity and subtley providing information to hook a reader into the story. (THE LINE AT THE END?! ERMEHGERD.) And I thought you did really well writing a scientific setting despite not being of a scientific background (if I inferred your information from your A/N correctly). I am a scientist (biochemical biologist) in training and have worked in laboratories, and trust me, if I didn't find flaws with your descriptions, you are doing wonderfully!! I do have two small critiques for you regarding this chapter. 1.) the mention of your character wearing heels that clink across the floor... I think this is great b/c it really says a lot about her pristine sort of character, but in practice it is very dangerous and impractical to wear heels in a laboratory setting. The floors get really slippery when wet and there are often large grates covering drains in the floor that heels can get caught on. and 2.) you seem to have your research experiments based in the field of virology (both trials mentioned here) but at one point, the director suggest looking over the bacterial strain... viruses and bacteria are very different and viruses seem much better suited to the sort of inherited type thing that you're doing, so you may want to change that bacteria bit.
All in all this was a fabulous chapter and I'll likely keep an eye out for the next one!! Thanks for posting for a review swap, otherwise I'd likely not have noticed this story. :) Report Review
Ragtag heroes ahoy!
I loved this chapter... from Ron't musings in the opening scene to your descriptions of George (but of course I'm biased) to the conversation with all of the order members! Molly always and forever will be one of my favorite Weasleys, and you did such a phenomenal job with here here. Percy, too!
Gawd, Draco. 5eva a little ferrety git.
And I cannot wait to see what goes down in london. I adore the hodgepodge group you've selected for the little mission and really appreciate that you've brought seamus into the story!! He's quite often overlooked in the land of fic unless he's been paired off with Lavender in some romcom story or another.
Anywho, I digress. You are fabulous and a half and this review is such rubbish compared to how much I enjoyed this chapter, but such is life. I can't wait for the next update, and will be pulling for a Break Out sort of Dobby season. :PAuthor's Response: Ahh, I did think you might like George here. :3 ♥ But I'm glad to hear it nevertheless! And Molly, of course. I love writing her, too, and I love how dedicated she is to her family. As for Percy, well... I just adore him. What can I say? And I've got things planned later on for him, too! He needs a bit of a knight-in-shining-armor moment.
I finished chapter nine, the London chapter, last week, and I'm really excited to post that. It turned out a bit less action-y than I wanted, but then again, the Death Eaters aren't, you know, burning down the city. They're a tad more subtle than that. ;) I can't wait to hear what you think of that! I loved writing Seamus in it, too. :D I do agree that he is rather overlooked...
Your reviews are never rubbish. Fact. ♥ The next update should be in... a little over a week, I'm thinking? And ACK, you are too kind! I am a puddle on the floor. :3 Thank you so much for such a lovely review!! Report Review
Just a breif review b/c I adore this story to pieces and couldn't click away from it without leaving you some sort of squeey rambling paragraph. Sooo. Here we are: I adore this Scorpius (as I do all of your scorpii), but there is something incredibly gentle about his hands -- the way he runs his fingers over the Ultramarine watercolor block, and traces the heart on the desk top... that makes me automatically trust him. I also snorted at his paranoid thoughts as he locked both doors separating him from the spider plant (and how clever to make a /spider/ plant alive).
I Also enjoyed the opening scene... it did a good job of painting Scorpius' gratitude of being back at hogwarts and his apprehension of all the unknown factors involved in his new teaching position. I hope to see more of his involvement with some of the other staff members...
Gah. this is so brilliant and I can't wait to see where you go with it!! Oh, one last thing. Headmistress -Dot- House lololol. That's so, so true. It's very difficult to transition from people's proper titles to first names, and so I completely empathized with Scorpius on that front.Author's Response: hoy molosso!
eee, thank you! I have endless, endless fun characterising all my Scorpii (no, really). And...yeah. Spider plant, spider plant, does whatever a spider plant does (spins webs).
He definitely has more involvement with other staff members! How about a bit of Neville in the next chapter...?
thank you so much! :D ♥ Report Review
Hey! I saw your status and figured I'd pop in and see what you've been up to writing-wise (hopefully you remember me?? If not discount this opening statement :P ). I have always had a very soft spot in my heart for George, especially now that I'm about half-way into a George and Angelina-centric novel. It's always very interesting to me to see how people handle his grief. This was a very touching moment, and I'm very glad you shared it!!
Excellent work and congrats on that 500 word count! I am much too wordy to ever pull something like that off. :PAuthor's Response: Of course I remember you darlin! I was actually going to message you the other day because I was going through my old reviews and wanted to see what you thought of some of my new stuff ;)
I'm so glad you liked this one... It was one of those things that just sort of hit me out of nowhere and was written, edited and done in under an hour. LOL
I've always avoided that 500 challenge becuase I tend to be pretty wordy myself... but Merlin's beard! I pulled it off ;) LOL
Thanks so much for stopping by! Hopefully I'll hear from you again soon ;)
~Moon~ Report Review
Wow! I really enjoyed reading this one shot. I have read a few things on your page now, and I can really see your improvement as a writer (especially in this piece). I loved your play on metaphors in the beginning! Clever writing always makes me smile. I thought that this was a great, well drown out portrayal of Peter and his crush on lily and of the silly sort of things young people do when they try to get somebody to like them... of course it always ends up badly.
I think my favorite line is the last one... about the frog becoming the rat. gah. all in all this was a great one shot!! Keep up the good work. :) Report Review
Heyyy!! Here I am at last, as promised. Took me long enough, right? I totally blame vet school. -_- Anyway, I digress. This was a fabulous chapter... lots of feels and lots of funny. There were so many things that I want to comment on, but literally I'd end up copying and pasting most of the chapter. lol. Just to name a few of your brilliant one-liners that made me chuckle out loud:
[i]charging up static electricity to unleash on unsuspecting nappers...
He wasn't aware that staircases even had relatives...[/i]
[i]Brewing was a piece of cake, and baking was the same thing but with literal cake[/i]
lololol. So funny. I'm always a tinge jealous at the how easy these jokes fit into the narrative of your story. It's a very cracky, but educated sort of humour that I enjoy very much. Oh, I also adored that the lizard said "meep" not sure why, but that made me chuckle.
AND ERMEHGERD. SMARMY SCORP IS SUCH A BABE -- BAKING WITH SUCH EASE, APOLOGIZING, INVADING HER PERSONAL SPACE, SMILING, BREATHING!!! HOW CAN ONE SO SMARMY BE SO FLUFFY. NOT FAIR.
Anyway, I smell redemption in the air and I hope nothing bad happens to scorpius in the next few chapters. I don't thing galliance is a normal characteristic for him, so he probably isn't very good at it.
anyway, great chapter!Author's Response: Melll :3 I put off responding to this until I could finally get to editing Capers and now I am SO HIII.
Hee, my random crack needs a home and Capers shall give one to them. I remember describing that lizard as something else, but then I was like, what if it said meep. Lizards don't say meep, but let's make it say meep and SO IT STAYED~
BREATHING!!! YES HE'S QUITE ALIVE AND CHARMING THE AIR UP, NO? :3 lolol he probably is very terrible at galliance, to be sure, poor boy. he only knows how to shove cupcakes at people, but that's alll right.
♥ ♥ Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection