Reading Reviews From Member: iWriter
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by iWriterdark lords deciple: nighmares

14th January 2008:
I hope you don't mind me nit-picking...a lot. Please don't take any of this in the wrong way, I'm just offering C/C. =)

The un-canonness in some parts is a bit unbearable. For example, Ginny slapping George. That really wouldn't have happened, Ginny isn't like that.

Another thing: It might be more realistic if you made their actions more realistic. IE: 'George went inside and started to eat all the lollies in the bowl on the table and whilst he was scoffing his face with every flavoured beans Harry and Ginny come rushing down the stairs.' If someone was REALLY upset about something like I suppose George was supposed to be, he wouldn't really be eating lollipops, would he?

Lastly, accuracy. You tended to say one thing and then something totally different. Like in the quote above, you said he was eating all the lollipops in the bowl, but right after that you instead say he was eating Bertie Bott's Beans. What's up with that? Also, you said it had been 20 years since the death of Fred. Yet when they travel to Hogwarts, all of the bodies are still there? ...Uh, no. They wouldn't leave them there, even in fiction!

Like I mentioned above, just the canoness. I'll put a few things here I noticed that were exceptionally uncanon:

"OH MY GOSH Fred died his hair blonde, what a loser"-George (I don't like George would be screaming 'OH MY GOSH'...You just understand his character isn't like a teenage girl.)

"I WAS DREAMING AND AND AND FRED SHADDOW HE WAS HE WAS TAKEN AND AND AND AND IT WAS QUICK AND HE SAID BEATRIX AND I WOKE UP AND AND AND CAME HEAR AND AND AND AND I NEED HELP AND AND AND AND"
"Geez guys I know its dark but your hair IS red!!"
Uh...No. To both of them. You treated George, often, like he was a naive little girl, and in reality he jokes, but he does know how to be mature. And Bellatrix...You need to learn how to give your CHARACTERS their own personality/voice, because right now yours is the one showing through and all of your characters sound the same. And you'll KNOW when you learn how to do this, because you'll be able to copy and paste JUST the speech, and you'll be able to tell who it is just by how they talk.

"There's only one way to find out." They stand in the portal together and shout in unison
"FRED"
Again, uncanon. You'd have to shout the name of a place, not a person. Especially not just the first names. Do you know how many 'Freds' there are in the world?

"mmm every flavoured beans" he walked over to the lollies and starting munching on them, forgetting all his troubles.
He learns that everyone is dying around him, he's crying 'deeply', and then he just forgets about it and starts eating (from a -random- table of candy, I'd add)? I think, again, you're misunderstanding the character of Fred, or else your voice is shining through too much.

After TWO HOURS of explaining? That's not very realistic after one dream. =/

Harry looked at Ginny and SMILED when Fred was done? ...

Harry used his 'super special wand' to break through the handcuffs? What super special wand? Are you joking?

He couldn't just say 'Harry's house'...He'd need to say at least 'Harry Potter's house'.

One tiny thing--Here's the spelling errors:
//Mispelling - Correct Spelling//
//(misused = correctly spelled, but it's misused gramatically and should really be the correct one next to it)//
Beatrix - Bellatrix
too - to (misused)
hear - here (misused)
come - came (misused)
of - off (misused)
died - dyed (misused)
flue - floo
starred - stared
2 - two (misused) (Any number under ten should be spelled out completely to be grammatically correct. [I say it's under 100, but that's just me.])
You say whilst a lot, when it should be just 'when' or 'while'.

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I'm sorry if that was long/harsh. >.< I hope it helped, though, and good luck with further writing!

Author's Response: thank it was a good u pointed out all my friends mistake though the beatrix name wasnt a mistake because thats what she the evil charater of the and i was just wondering if u could look at my story because i cant get it to accepted and this one has more cannoness and i would im pretty close to obsessed so it willmore accurate
urs
baru01h1


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Review #2, by iWriterSympathy For The Devil: I: Bait

14th January 2008:
I sat at my computer, fuming my head off and screaming:

WRITE MORE, DARNNIT! WHY AREN'T THERE MORE CHAPTERS I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!!

XDXDXDXDXD Awesome! I loved it.

Author's Response: thanks! wow, that was very enthusiastic.... glad you liked it xD

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