Hey, this was pretty awesome! An adorable idea, and written quite well! Good moral too! I love how you showed Dudley as a grown up, and his kids!
Okay, I know I hate when I get reviews with absolutley no critism, so here you go;
1.) You had a few grammatical things, nothing proofreading won't fix.
2.) The ending sorta confused me. How did Neville get there? I will have to go back and read that.
Other than that, very cute job! I enjoyed it. I also have a Dudley Story, if you want to check it out. Us Big D fans gotta stick together, you know?
:-)Author's Response: Thanks!
1) I can't remember if I've gone through yet for the grammar bits, but I will eventually. =)
2) I did mention Neville early in the story, but not by name. I might make it a bit more obvious though, so it doesn't seem as random.
Also, I think I've read your Dudley story! It's been so long I'll look it up again. XD THANKS Report Review
Yay! I was so happy to see a new chapter. I found one grammatical error -- "James and Lily had there moment before James departed, as did Frank and Alice." Wrong "there," it should be "their."
Other than that, pretty good grammatically, and of course, very nice writing! Such a cliffhanger. It had to happen, I just wasn't expecting it so quickly! February isn't too long...you reminded me that I have to get my next chapter up too. :-)Author's Response: grammar, my worst enemy. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll change it as soon as possible. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and thanks for the review. Report Review
Pretty well written, very interesting. I listened to your directions, and am actually listening to "Fifteen" right now. Never heard it before, but it flows quite well with the story. :-) I wish I knew exactly who it was...I have a few ideas, one the most likely.would I be able to PM you to ask, or do you want to keep it a secret? Haha.
Pretty good, some grammer issues and flowing stuff. Also a tad repetitive. Fun to read though! Nice job!Author's Response: Thanks :)
I don't think you'll get it right but feel free to pm me or leave me a comment (yup, that's how sure I am that you'll be wrong :P)
Okay, I'll take a look at the grammar, and I understand that it's very repetitive, but it kinda has to be to fit with the song...
Thankyou very much xD Report Review
Hm. Never read a femmeslash before, and esp. not H/L. Very interesting. While I am all for canon, this makes more sense than a lot of other pairings out there.
While I did enjoy this, I felt that Luna wasn't quite in character. She was not perky enough. I understand it is a serious atmosphere, but when has our dear girl ever been serious?
Hermione was pretty good though.
A little grusome. 8/10. Interesting. Report Review
Written so well...I can just see where everything will flow together...I am so enjoying this!! I like the way you portrayed Pomfry, and Whats-his-face-Tolstov. Don't have much to say. I know that authors never like to get reviews without ideas for critism, but honestly, there is really not much to say. (It is also quite late and I should be in bed. :-P) Thanks for the shoutout---I await the next chapter egerly!!!Author's Response: Yay1 Thankyou so much! I was so worried about this chapter, I'm so glad you liked it! Yup, Tolstov really really hates Remus, and I think I created a matron for that time before I realised i'd put Pomfrey in another chapter, but there you go! I'll edit it later! Thankyou so much - but get to bed! You've inspired me to write more, I've had the worst case of writers block you ever saw! Report Review
This was beautiful. The insight you have given us - and Alice is remarkably written. It shows how even when you are gone, you are not? Does that make sense? I have a feeling you willl get it, just as I get your beautifully written work.
It takes skill to be able to write in fragments - no really, it does! You portrayed Alice very nicely...I would love to see what she thinks about when Neville is in the room...makes me think. really good. I'm ranting now, but so beautiful!
10/10 Report Review
I don't know if I ever told you how much I adore this story. Beautifully written, surprising twists...simply gorgous. There was one part where it was a bit hard to keep track who was talking, but that was so minimal that it didn't take away from anything. It's a beautiful insight to a "before parenthood" Harry.
gorge. simply gorge.Author's Response: Hey, you! Where've you been? xD Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you liked the story! Oh, I'll go through and edit to see if I can make it any clearer. Thanks! Report Review
Hello! Sorry I have been gone for so long! I noticed you had updated (rather a lot, hehe.)
Still brilliant. I'm glad this chapter was a bit longer. Only problem - Harry doesn't seem quite canon enough. Other than that, brilliant!
I would be so happy if you were to update soon!Author's Response: Don't worry, I'm glad you're back! :D
The chapters will be getting longer from now on. I understand your concern about Harry, but I have to defend him in saying that he simply understands death and everything points to the fact that Ron and Hermione are gone. I wanted to experiment with him, add a new element to his character.
I'll try to update very soon, promise! :D Thanks so much for coming back and reviewing. Report Review
Oh, I forgot to add in the last chapter how I liked how you made Sirius away from the normal "I hate my family." You definatly have original ideas! I can't wait to read more.Author's Response: Thanks, I know it's pretty much a pre planned story with the end and the begining, but I am trying to make it my own in the middle :p Thankyou so much! Report Review
I wrote a long review...I am so sorry it was erased!
Basically, I am still in love with this story, and you'r writing. Once small comment; I was a bit confused as to who was talking towards the end.
Other than that, magnifique!Author's Response: Thanks for the tip, I'll ahve a look at that. and it's so great to see you're stil with me! Thankyou so much for your support in this *big hugs*
And thanks for letting me know, I hate it when that happens and it's the thought that counts :)
I'm so glad you're liking the story and the writing, you've just put a huge smile on my face!
That looks like french to me. Ugh! :P Report Review
For me, Ron and Lavender wasn't disgusting, but it was most defantly (sorry, I cannot spell for my life) not a favorite. Lavender is a character who is there, but at the same time not there. You did do her justice in this story, and not only that, but it was extreamly entertaining.
I personally love stories in which minor, sometimes depicted as bad characters come into the light. (I have some of my own. :-) ) You really did a beutiful job with Lav-lav, and with the writing.
Sorry for the long-ish-rant-ish review; I'm bored and sick. Your story picked up my morning!Author's Response: I'm so glad I could help. :P Thank you for this lovely review! :D I'm so happy you think I did her justice. Report Review
Wow, I really liked this. It's refreshing from all the romance and angst. The character intrigues me, I want to find out more about her. (I feel it's a her...am I right?) I would be willing to read anything else about the life of this character, especially the way you wrote it.
My only critism is that you use a bit too many sentance fragments. Now, I understand that the thoughts of our hero(in) are a bit choppy, but you probably could have combined.
I really enjoyed this. It was short and simple, but entertaining.
Pray tell me; is this a canon character, ie Hermione, or a original?
Nice job!Author's Response: thank you for both the praise and the criticism. i think it is a her. I'm not entirely sure who she is, actually, but probably not a canon. personally i can't imagine Hermione or anyone else from the books of the top off my head acting like this woman. if you're lucky i might do some more with this character, i enjoyed writing her but i can't be sure yet. I'm glad you liked it though and thanks for reviewing.
Dilys :) Report Review
First of all, I think the changing perspectives is a brilliant idea. Just use it wisely-it could be poison to your story if you let it.
I really, really, really, really, really, really liked this chapter. There's so much to take in, it leaves me questioning. I want to know more...now! 10/10, but what were you expecting?!Author's Response: OmG! Thankyou, you are so kind! I wasn't sure if people would like the changing perspective thing, but I've had some really great feedback! You guys rule!
Wow, that's a lot of really's! Every one of the makes me happy ^_^
Well, I realise I have opened up a few questions in this chapter, that was the intention, but you'll have to wait and see, won't you?
Cliffies seem to work in other peoples stories, so hopfully, they'll work in mine!
Thankyou so much for the feedback, *sqees!* Report Review
Hmm, actually, I don't think Dudley is a failure at anything. His problem, as Harry told Ron, is nerves. If he doesn't think he can do it, he can't. He told himself he could fly, and so he did. It will be interesting to see how this works out later on.
There's not much more to say...the story is becoming a little boring with just day by day, but I sence it will pick up soon.
Please get the next chapter up ASAP, I can't wait.Author's Response: Sorry that the story feels "boring" to you. I've been trying to convey Dudley's difficulties and his progress towards figuring out what he must do to make it in his new environment. Everything I write in a story has some purpose, so try to hang in there. I'm afraid if you're looking for action/adventure this is probably not the story for you.
While Dudley can probably do most things he sets his mind to, he can't be good at everything. He is a failure at a lot of things at the moment... he fails to see how he must change, and he often fails to meet the standards set for him. This will change in time of course, but there are a lot of things Dudley must do before he figures that out.
Thanks for your reviews!
-JW. Report Review
Another great chapter. Dudley's feelings come into play well, and suit the story.
I just had an idea although it is pretty cliche. I was wondering "When does Hermione come in?" Then I thought, "Oh, crush city!" Just a little idea. Going on, and I will leave a longer review at ch. 5!Author's Response: Hm... I think because of Dudley's age he hasn't really started thinking about girls yet. So far his life has been about himself and his friends/"cronies." It doesn't surprise me then that he only sees Harry and Ron instead of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Also, at this point in the story, Hermione isn't part of the golden trio yet because it's still before the troll incident at Halloween. I have other plans for Dudley's love life, but thanks for the comments and idea!
-JW. Report Review
Wow, I am flattered! I'm glad I made you think. Your version is coming along splendidly.
One comment before I move on, "He only wished his friends were there with him." Friends? I think more of cronies.Author's Response: While we see them as cronies, Dudley sees them as friends. Many people in real life don't understand the difference between: True Friends, Acquaintances, and Cronies. Dudley may be one of these people. He chooses to see himself as having friends rather than followers... this kind of sounds like Voldemort to me but that won't be Dudley's end fate.
Thanks for the review!
-JW. Report Review
Hey, JW. Sorry it took so long to get back to your story. I'm glad I did.
I thought this chapter was great with two minor exeptions I will tell you in a minutes. I want to pinpoint the parts I liked.
1.) Your humanizing of Dudley works well. It is compatible although original.
2.) Cool idea to have Madam Hooch take him. Her characterization seems good as well.
3.) I love the way you characterized Harry. It's not particuallart canon, but I think that if this was how things turned out, it would be absolutley perfect.
Now for some critism:
1.) I think that Dudley should have been a bit ruder to Snape. What you have is fine, but it would have been a little more canon.
2.) I don't think the aparation idea was great. Someone who has just learned about wizards would not be too keen on it. Just for future refrences.
Anyway, nice job, going on.Author's Response: Thanks for your comments.
The fact that somebody who just learned about wizardry would not be keen on apparation was the point... I wanted Dudley to be freaked out a little bit for several reasons: 1) to show the difference between his and Harry's reactions to apparation 2) for a little bit of comic relief.
The fact that Dudley wasn't rude to Snape was because he is intimidated by him and is learning where not to overstep his bounds. Things have been very different for Dudley recently and he is learning that things are not the same in his life as they were before.
I appreciate your comments and that you took the time to review!
-JW. Report Review
Wowie wow wow. I have been waiting for soo long for this, and it delgits me. Your story leaves me on the edge of my seat, scared, excited, delighted, and sorry. I want to go cuddle Remus, I want to give Clover a talk, and i want to kill Voldy for doing this to Sirius. Your words are magical.
Only critism: more! Report Review
Hmmm, great 3rd chapter! I am really enjoying the creativity and originality of this story. The only part that confused me was when Ginny bumped into the man. I had no idea he was on a cell phone, untill I went back and re-read the paragraph. It was just a little too much to take in at once, because at that point, we know something exeptional is about to happen, and our minds are going, "oh, let me just get to the exciting part," and our eyes, (especially mine-I have astigmatism) tend to jump around.
Other than that, really good chapter,I cannot wait for more!Author's Response: Yeah, I understand. Sometimes when I'm excited while reading a story, i, too, don't pick up all the hints and then have to go and reread. But I will go and check if it's written clearly enough, so thanks for pointing it out. :)
I'm happy you liked it. Thanks for your awesome review as always. :) Report Review
Oh, wow. Anouther great chapter. You just missed a comma somweher. Other than that, great, and I'm soo happy she told him!Author's Response: Uh oh...those commas will getcha.
Thanks! Report Review
Hey, pretty interesting one-shot! A few comments:
1.) If the battle is happening at Grimmald place, then ignore this comment. If at Hogwarts, keep reading. They were breifing in Grimmald place, yes? So how would they apparate to Hogwarts? Hogwarts a History, anyone?
2.) You put in some really random parentheseese and it made it hard to follow.
Other than that, really cool idea, well thought out!Author's Response: Yeah, this one I kind of just through together. Wasn't my best work but oh well. Late at night with a bottle of soda can really throw you off. Glad you liked it, anyway. Report Review
Nice chapter, more better than the last. You really worked on those things I told you! Nice. One question: was the shop a muggle or wizard? Work on your canon a bit and this will be great! Report Review
Hey JW, I decided to give you a little surprise present in exchange for your kind reviews! Isn't it wierd how we have such similar taste in characters?
So far, pretty good. Your overall structure is a little choppy, but other than that it was enjoyable. If you can, I reccomend putting in how Vernon knew Dudley was a wizard, but still liked him. It is very unlikely that Vernon just all of a sudden decided to hate his son. There is no evidence that he got the letter...I was a bit confused. But it is good writing, so keep going!Author's Response: Dudley appears in a couple of my other stories as well (HP and the Legend of Ashara's Muse and the sequel), often as a changed character. While reading your story I was inspired to think about what would happen if Dudley was actually magical and went to Hogwarts... quite different than your version of things, so please don't think I am trying to plagiarize you or steal your ideas.
Would you care to elaborate on how my structure was choppy?
By what is written I believe it is obvious that Vernon knew Dudley was a wizard and "still liked him." I was hoping that readers would pick up on the part about him being frightened that now that they had come and found Harry they might change their mind about not informing Dudley about his magical heritage. It's not that he all of a sudden hated his son, it's that a lot of stress and fear finally pushed him to snap and lash out at him.
I never said that Vernon got a letter from Hogwarts. I only wrote that he insisted Petunia write and tell them not to send a letter for Dudley. While I don't write how Vernon and Petunia know Dudley is magical, I prefer to leave it up to the reader's imagination... ex. maybe he did something when he was a baby to show he had powers.
Thanks for your review,
-JW. Report Review
Another great chapter. I really want more, so please hurry! The only problem: You jumped tenses. Other than that, great!!!Author's Response: Ouch, yeah, tenses are my biggest grammar issue ever. i never seem to get the hang of it and sometimes I honestly don't spot when I make it different.
I'm happy you like it and will try to update soon. :) Report Review
Wow, that was a very well written chapter. It drew me in right from the start and kept me interested. Harry and Ginny were characterized very well, and I think Hermione and Ron seem pretty realistic. I'm going on, and this is going to favorites.Author's Response: Aw, thank you! I'm thrilled you added it to your favorites. :) Report Review
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