Reading Reviews From Member: saint_soliloquy
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by saint_soliloquyQuite an Ordinary Birthday: Before King's Cross

10th June 2008:
Sorry this last review took so long, I'm so lazy x_X

Like the last chapter, I can clearly see your writing style improving as you're becoming more comfortable with writing in Ada's voice. You said that this is a really slow chapter, but I really enjoyed it. I think it's little information chapters like this that make a story, y'know?

But yes, as I was saying, I loved this chapter. It's technically really good, and I really like how Ada's rubbed Professor Vector the wrong way already. What would be really interesting to see would be an on-going conflict with Professor Vector. I haven't ever seen that before, and I think that if you could develop the Professor it would be really funny to read :] Professor Vector having a go and Remus trying to defend her... Ok, I'll stop there xD

I also really liked how she had second thought about being in Gryffindor. I've never read something like that before, and it's really interesting that she feels that way. I wonder if she'll get on with some of the Slytherins as well as the Gryffindors then... Hmm...

But yes, great chapter. Please don't give up on this story, because you've made a really wonderful start on it :] Drop me a PM when you submit the fifth chapter, I'd love to read it!

~Saint

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much! I also like chappies 3 and 4 turned out better than the first two, with the way they turned out and all. 1 & 2 were just the really awkward beginning-of-a-new-story thingies, you know? I'm seriously thinking of going back to fix them. I probably will, when I find the time.
Haha, I haven't really had a developed conflict with Professor Vector in mind, but you're right, that would be pretty funny :] I might do it, if inspiration strikes. :D
Wow, I'm really happy you found that bit interesting. :D And you're on to something there, I'll give you a hint, she makes friends with a Slytherin in the next chappie. :] (oh, and it's not Snape, just for the record. xD)
Don't worry, I'm definitely not going to give up on this story, I love it too much ^_^ Thank you once again for the wonderful reviews, and I will! *hugs*


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Review #2, by saint_soliloquyPotter: Pain or Prize??: Problems in Potions

7th June 2008:
This chapter is a lot better technically than your first one, so well done on that front. However, I do have a few concerns. You wrote Lily's inner-conflict well, but you need to be really careful to not stray into cliche territory and make her fall for him immediately. You're only into chapter two and she's already getting tiny inklings for him; I think you should pace the relationship a lot more. Plus, when I read the whole 'sharing dorms' thing, I felt my heart drop a little. Not because of the way you wrote it, but because it's been done (badly, might I add,) so many times. Again, you'll need to be very careful when writing this so as to not verge off into a string of cliches.

Other than that, I'm also a little disheartened that Peter hasn't had any lines in the story yet. He's a Marauder to; I think the story would benefit if he had an equal role to Sirius and Remus in it. But then again, it's your choice. I know not many people enjoy writing Peter after it was revealed what he did later on in the canon story.

I think you have a nice little plot device here with the Felix Felicis. I wonder what James'd do if he had it, hmm...

Hope I wasn't too harsh :] Good luck with the rest of the story!

~Saint

Author's Response: hmm. I was worried about Lily falling for Jmaes too fast. i might need to do something about that. The sharing dorms thing, well i was thinking about getting rid of that aswell. As for peter, he'll come in soon. And yes, the felix felicis will be very interesting.

Thanks!
Kaleigh




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Review #3, by saint_soliloquyPotter: Pain or Prize??: Tuesday Morning Terrors

7th June 2008:
Hey :]

To start with, your dialogue isn't something to apologise for. It's clean, easy to read and straight to the point. To make it even easier though, I'd make sure the dialogue is paragraphed correctly (there's one error within the story with two lines of dialogue being put together when they should be separated,) and also put anything which is internal (such as Lily's thought about when the deaths are going to end) in italics. I would also put the letter at the bottom in italics or bold, just to alert the reader visually that it's a letter :]

Other than that, there's a couple of other things I picked up on. Firstly, the Great Hall should be capitalised. It's a place, right? :] Secondly, when Lily asks rhetorically "Why me?" there should be a question mark instead of a exclamation mark. Even if she didn't mean for it to be answered, it makes more sense if it has a question mark at the end of it.

I'm really glad you put Alice in this story as a friend of Lily's, I'm interested to see what you'll do with her and Frank in the story :]] Well done on the Chapter.

~ Saint

Author's Response: Thnaks, your the first person to actually give me alot of feedback.
Alot of the time when I post the chapters im ina rush, so I really do need to go back and fix those errors.

kaleigh


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Review #4, by saint_soliloquySitting in the Orange Tree: The Lady Who Was Not Death

7th June 2008:
Firstly, let me just say that the concept for this story is nothing short of wonderful. I love the fact that you've branched into a character who no one really knows about, but you've made her completely believable, relatable and endearing. Kudos for that :]

Another thing that I really liked about this story was your style, and how it reflects in the setting and the characters of the story. You write in a way which puts a reader at ease, and you capture just the right amount of description and emotion without making the story too hard-going. It has a really light and airy quality to it, which is lovely. I think it also contributes to the natural feel of this 'afterworld' Aurelia finds herself in, with the trees and all. It creates a really beautiful, peaceful picture in my head :]

As for spelling errors, I didn't see any. However, there's a couple of wordings which I found slightly awkward;

"We had had a relationship that was a perfect balance, our personalities compromising each other."

I know what you were trying to say in this sentence, but 'compromising' sounds a little funny to me. Maybe 'complimenting' or 'completing' would suit the sentence better?

"Wrackspurt... were they the ones Luna talked about which sneak up on you? Sadly, I can't remember."

This isn't wording really, but tense. I think it should be 'I couldn't remember'.

But otherwise, I think you have a really amazing story here :] I'll be keeping an eye on this story and waiting for updates. Well done, 10/10!

~ Saint

Author's Response: the concept is something i'd been thinking about for a while... and one day i just wrote! thanks, by the way!

compromising - i agree, that's not the right word! i shall change that. And i'll change that tense issue! thanks :)

thank you so much for reviewing, it means so much to me :D


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Review #5, by saint_soliloquyQuite an Ordinary Birthday: Sweet Sixteen

7th June 2008:
Ah ha! I'm soo glad that there's an explanation for Ada's lack of education for the past five years :]! Or rather, there will be. Good plot hook there.

This is my favourite chapter so far. Now there's more dialogue and you've established the main character, your descriptive skills and the narrative is noticeably improving. One thing that I really like about the narrative is that it's funny and witty, but not in an overly horrible or sarcastic way. She doesn't direct her comments at anyone and she doesn't use them to make fun of a bad situation, which is really endearing about her. It also gives an impression of innocence around her character, which is fitting. It'll make her 'journey' all the more prominent :]

I also loved how you kept to plausible wand materials. All too often OC's wands are made with some crazy wood only found in the depths of Timbuktu with a peppermint and crystallized phoenix tear mixed core o_0 She seems all the more real and doesn't seem that out of the ordinary in comparison to her fellow students (on the surface, of course.)

Her and Remus's meeting was a *squee* moment aswell :] Made me happy, so it did.

Technically, there's a couple of errors. One thing that seems to be a re-occuring feature is that you tend to use dashes instead of full stops/semi colons/colons. A good beta could help you with that. It doesn't really affect the flow of the chapter, but it's a little bit irksome for people who look for good grammar.

There were one or two spelling errors too, I think. One, where I can't seem to find now was the misspelling of the word "drive". It was in a sentence about something driving her insane? I think you'll know better than me where it is :P

Another I wasn't so sure about;
"He had lucid, moonlike eyes which seemed to shine through the shop and through me; entire me."
Was 'entire' supposed to be used here? I wasn't sure, because it didn't really fit in with the sentence. I would suggest replacing it if it was intended, because it feels a little out of place.

Otherwise, I loved this chapter! Well done :]]

~Saint

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the third time! I really liked this chappie better than the first two, too, because it feels like the story's finally going somewhere. In super slow speed of course, but ah well. Anyway, I was grinning the whole time I was reading your review. ^_^ I'm thrilled that you think so! Lol @ the wand comment, I'm afraid that for a moment I actually considered something like that, but fortunately I snapped out of the horribly clichéd concept deciding to give her a normal wand, although slightly prettier than others. :p
I know I have an issue with dashes. -_- (and other stuff. *is very happy that you haven't mentioned the horrible misuse of teses in the fic*) I find them a little too useful and just throw them in wherever possible which is a habit I should kick. *kicks it* Though, I find that the more I write, the less I tend to use them, so it shouldn't be as bad in future chappies, hopefully. And I'll fix the 'entire' bit, because now that you mentioned it, it does seem a little out of place. 0_o
Loads of thanks once again for the amazing review! This really made my day ^_^ *huggles*


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Review #6, by saint_soliloquyQuite an Ordinary Birthday: "Your daughter is a witch, Mrs. Bathory."

7th June 2008:
I'll try and make this review a little shorter than the last so I can get on to the last two chapters which I'm supposed to be focusing on, right? :P

Firstly, I loved Ada's little daydreams. They seemed to fit right in with her characters and made me giggle. You nailed the whole wonderment of the whole thing really well, and I felt excited for her.

However, and this is a big however, something about her attitude in this chapter doesn't seem to add up for me. Coming back to the paranoia thing, if she is meant to be the Queen of Paranoia, I would of thought that she would be far more tentative and cautious towards these two strange people who just told her that she was a witch. The optimism she has shines through clearly, but I felt that the cautious side of her character should of played a far more prominent part in this chapter.

I also thought that there should of been some explanation as to why Ada hadn't been taken into Hogwarts for five years. It's a pretty big part of her background as far as her schooling is concerned, and it strikes me as odd that she or her mother didn't voice this.

That's another thing; Ada's mother seems a little underdeveloped here. Ada says she worries, but she doesn't really put up a fight with the teachers when they're telling her that her daughter is a witch (which she doesn't believe in.) I'll assume that she isn't going to be a big mover and shaker in the plot line, but I just felt that the reactions of the characters lacked a little depth in this chapter.

Aside from these issues, I really liked this chapter. Ada's voice is really relatable and funny, and it makes it compelling to read :) Well done.

~Saint

Author's Response: Haha, don't worry about your reviews being long, I'll be the last to complain. Well this was another awesome review, thank you so much! *hugs* About Ada and the contradictions, well... I think I agree, to some extent. She is really confused and freaked out, so her paranoid reflexes hadn't really kicked in as they should've in a situation of a different type, like when she's, say, walking down a dark alley. Finding out that she's a witch had a little different outcome; it made her sure that she was dreaming and wouldn't even accept the idea as possible or realistic. I know that maybe I didn't fit that in the right way, so I might go back and fix it, if I get inspired. :)
I had another review also telling me that Ada's mother is a bit undeveloped. It didn't strike me as so, but ehh... maybe her reactions were a little.. off? I don't know, this is also a thing I might go back and fix, if I have the time and inspiration.
Anyways, thanks once again! I'm really glad that you liked it and found it compelling to read ^_^


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Review #7, by saint_soliloquyQuite an Ordinary Birthday: A Sunny Saturday Morning

7th June 2008:
Hello there :]

Righto, to start, I really loved the way you opened this chapter and Ada's narrative voice. Though a lot of writers would probably think of it as amateur to write about how a character looks/acts instead of showing the reader, I think in this story it's pretty fitting. Plus, it makes it different from a lot of other stories, especially since it's good. I would, however, advise to cut it down a little. Making it more concise keeps the connection with the reader but also stops the reader from wondering when the story will start, if you know what I mean.

As for characters, I think you established Ada and her voice fairly well. She's obviously intelligent, a little sarcastic, and forever the optimist. However, I feel that there's a bit of a contradiction in the fact that she is paranoid, but lets Medusa in anyway. Especially when he makes a comment about 'destroying' her. Being a fairly paranoid person myself, if someone told me that they could 'destroy' me I certainly wouldn't let them into my house xD

I really liked the whole instant-coffee thing with Medusa to :] I can imagine that he would of gotten along with Arthur Weasley like a house on fire!

Structurally, I think this chapter's pretty sound. I didn't see any significant grammatical mistakes, but one paragraph I found quite difficult to read;

"Snuff, my nine months old puppy, started barking like crazy, and it made me think that outside was either one of those annoying little brats this neighbourhood was full of, or a deaf person, or a person too eager for their own good, or a person who has never seen or heard a door bell in their life so they just couldn't help but try out the amazing discovery no less than ten times. "

It might just be me, but I think that because this is one long sentence, it's pretty hard to keep a track of and read right the way through. I would suggest stopping the sentence at 'crazy', taking out the conjunction and starting a new sentence on 'it'. This is confusing xD I'll show you what I mean;

"Snuff, my nine months old puppy, started barking like crazy. It made me think that outside was either one of those annoying little brats this neighbourhood was full of, or a deaf person, or a person too eager for their own good, or a person who has never seen or heard a door bell in their life so they just couldn't help but try out the amazing discovery no less than ten times."

But yeah, overall, a really entertaining chapter :] I'm looking forward to reading the rest and seeing how you develop Ada.

~Saint

Author's Response: Hi there!
Wow, this was really long - thanks so much for taking the time to review! I really appreciate it. *hugs* And the feedback is awesome, thanks! ^_^
Yeah, I suppose it is a bit of a contradiction that someone is both paranoid and optimistic, but it is possible. Like, her mind would always jump to the worst possible outcomes of a situation, but she'll always have an incredibly positive outlook on them. I'm really sure that made no sense whatsoever, but nevermind. :]
You're right about that paragraph, it is a bit too much and I'll go change it right now. Thank you so much once again!


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Review #8, by saint_soliloquyThe White Orchid: The White Orchid

6th February 2008:
First things first, wow :) The emotion in this story is just immense, along with the ideas and imagery used. I didn't really anticipate the ending either, which makes it all the more enjoyable for me.

The only critique I can think of is regarding how Lily speaks to Severus. She speaks pretty formally to him, which stuck out to me as slightly odd. For example, when you write this;

"although you cannot see yourself clearly, you are filled with great dignity and devotion. You have watched over my son, protected him, and kept him alive. Although you may have done those things a little grudgingly at times,"

To make it more informal and friendly, I would recommend altering to make it more like this;

"although you can't see yourself clearly, you're filled with great dignity and devotion. You watched over my son, protected him, and kept him alive. Although you might have done those things a little grudgingly at times,"

But otherwise, amazing story! Be proud of it :)

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Review #9, by saint_soliloquyDisastrous Traditions: Disastrous Traditions

5th February 2008:
There are some really lovely and sweet ideas in this story :) I love the whole subject of Narcissa putting up the decorations manually, and the way in which Lucius reacts throughout made me laugh. I think you really got his proud, proper demeanour across but the use of his narrative also shows how much he cares about her.

I also like how Narcissa wasn't all made up. I think some conventions about her character are broken here and make her all the more believeable, and at the same time just illustrates the closeness they share.

It's a really well written one-shot :) You should be proud. Keep it up!

~ Saint

Author's Response: Thanks! I've never read a Lucius/Narcissa fic, so I had no idea really how they were portrayed in fanfic, but I really liked how this turned out. It seemed really natural to write Lucius the way I did… So different from Draco, and yet so similar in a strange way. Thanks again for the great review!!

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