Reading Reviews From Member: xhardcorebulletsx
  
46 Reviews Found

Review #1, by xhardcorebulletsxA Sin to Hold Onto: A Sin to Hold Onto

17th September 2009:
Very nice.. just a small spelling error in the second paragraph (passed = past), but other than that, this was very well written! Definitely one of my favorite one-shots that I've read in a while!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I always, ALWAYS get those two forms messed up when I'm writing fanfiction, but in an essay I get them right. Hah. Weird.

Anyway, I'm so flattered by your review. ^__^


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Review #2, by xhardcorebulletsxBaby of Mine: The Letter

9th July 2009:
...I really don't know what to say about this story, dearie.. It's all so unrealistic (even for the HP universe) that it's really hard to want to keep reading this story. I imagine that your intentions behind it are all good and wonderful, but it doesn't make sense that Dumbledore would just chuck two kids at Hermione and Draco, the kids automatically start calling them 'Mummy' and 'Daddy', and then also shove them into sleeping in the same bedroom? *eyebrow raise*

I suppose that I'm probably a lot older than you, but you definitely have room for improvement. Nevertheless, keep on going. You seem to love what you're doing with it, and other people are appreciating it, too. It's just not my cup of tea, I suppose.

Please keep an eye on grammar and spelling. Good luck.

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Review #3, by xhardcorebulletsxThe Fine Line: Chapter 28

11th January 2009:
Consider yourself wished luck.
next, I am SO PROUD OF YOU! You are one of the only Dramoine writers who has actually managed to keep Draco in a Draco-ish character over half the time. Virtual cookies to you, dear!
I found some mistakes earlier, but that beta thing cleared it right up.

Happily waiting for the next chapter,
Bullets

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Review #4, by xhardcorebulletsxWhisper Words Of Wisdom: Through a pale blue door

6th November 2008:
You're doing good. Again, don't rush too much. =] (But then again, I'm painfully detailed with most of my stories, hence why I deleted them all...)

I'm interested to see what else you're going to do with this..

Author's Response: Thanks :)

I'm busy writing NaNo at the moment, so no more chapters for a little bit, sadly, but I hope you will read them when they pop up again!

-Sara


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Review #5, by xhardcorebulletsxWhisper Words Of Wisdom: 'Till Death Do Us Part...

6th November 2008:
AH! I was really skeptical at first, but I'm definitely going to read the next two chapters. I don't normally get into the elf/LotR stuff, but sheesh. This is something I've never read before!

To add: Their gaining followers. The trolls."
Their should be They're.

Don't forget your detail, and try not to go too fast. You've definitely got an interesting idea here.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

I'm not really into the elf into harrypotter thing, but the idea grabbed me and wouldn't let me go!

Thanks for the grammar help :)

I'll take your advice on board! thanks again!

-Sara


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Review #6, by xhardcorebulletsxYou Had Me at 'Quidditch': Of Cannibalistic Hit Men, Twitchy Little Buggers and Barmy Scottish Keepers

3rd November 2008:
"Puddlemere United stadium" - Stadium should be capitalized because it is a proper noun, the NAME of the stadium.

"no matter how many detentions she gave them they never quit.- There should be a comma after 'them'.

"Im to pretty to be eaten"- to=too*

Other than that, I quite enjoyed it. The River Piddle... I snorted. Great name. You certainly have a lot of potential. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thanks, you are a lifesaver! I'll go an correct everything as soon as I can!

Actually, I found the River Piddle on a fan website when I typed in Puddlemere, haha. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though!

Thanks for reading!

-utterly confused


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Review #7, by xhardcorebulletsxUncovering the Frogs: I:I The Notice

26th March 2008:
This is RachRae.
I love the vocabulary that you use! Some things that I might suggest: Check the placement of commas. You have a few spots where you can add them, or combine sentences. And you have some sentences that probably would look better if they weren't combined. It seems just a little choppy. =]
Secondly, I've noticed that in this story, pretty much all of your quotations begin at the beginning of the sentence with an action at the end. Example: ' “Yes, Miss Sano,” said Neville. ' Maybe try spicing the story up a bit. Slip actions at the beginning and middle, not just the end. What did Neville do when he said it? Did he roll his eyes? Did he sound aggravated?
Next, I'm not sure how big you are on using British slang, but underwear are 'knickers', and there are a few others that can be found on the HPFF forum.
Finally, check over your story for spelling errors. One that I see right off the bat is 'After binding' in your last paragraph. This should probably be 'After bidding'.
Overall, Good job! You're off to a great start with this story, and as long as you keep me posted on updates, I'll review.

xxRachRaexx

Author's Response: Thank you for this long review.
I tried to take into account your advices when I wrote the other chapters. Actually, it helped me also for my other story. Thank you.
I will put the second chapter for validation in a couple of days.
I will review the first chapter once I finish the story and I might take a beta after (sadly english is not my first language).
I hope you keep reading and liking the story ^_^


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Review #8, by xhardcorebulletsxNever Say Remember: Catching Up

8th March 2008:
I normally loathe time travel fics because they're so cliched, but this one is very well written, Malora! I'm impressed! [So impressed I'm adding it to my favorites, and I would be thrilled if you told me when you update it. (: ] The difference between your story and other Alternate Universe/Time Travel fics that I've read is that you do a wonderful job of keeping everyone in canon and the descriptions you use are amazing.

Overall, I have nothing to complain about. Punctuation is excellent, I see no spelling errors that need fixing right away, and the plot is running smoothly. Good job!

Author's Response: Ah, but you haven't yet read the scene where Harry uses a Delorean to get back to his own time!


Actually, it's more alternate history than time travel, but I get what you mean. :) I'd be happy to notify you, but I'm new to HPFF and can't figure out how to contact people. Will adding me to your favorites give you an automatic notification? If you want to contact me, e-mail me at siege222 at hotmail dot com. (no spaces, change "at" and "dot" to e-mail address format). I can't give you an exact update day, as I go through verification. The day it's uploaded for public viewing is a surprise to me as well! I can tell you when I submitted it, though.


Thank you for the review!


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Review #9, by xhardcorebulletsxUnlikely: The train ride and more

7th March 2008:
no. please not cliche!! I think that you let Ron accept that fact that his little sister was all over his best friend. Maybe try adding some more to that. He could get off track, but eventually he's going to corner Harry about it at some point. =]

You have several spelling/comma issues. It would probably help if you went to the forum and got a beta. =]

keep writing! It seems to be improving as you go along!

Author's Response: thats a good idea. thanks

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Review #10, by xhardcorebulletsxUnlikely: Head Boy

7th March 2008:
alrighty. You definitely have some issues with keeping your tenses the same. Also, try to work on spelling and P.O.V.'s.

Ah! I hope that you don't follow typical cliches, my dear!
Also, I would be perfectly willing to help you out with your banner issue. I haven't been making them for very long, but if you would like me to make you one, and you can see if you like it or not, just email me (def_of_insanity09@yahoo.com). All I need to know is what you would like on it (words, pictures, quotes, such stuff like that). Anyway.. I shall continue reviewing the other chapters now. =]

Author's Response: thanks soooo much for the banner help! ill e-mail you right away

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Review #11, by xhardcorebulletsxA Different World: Chapter One

5th March 2008:
Woah! It's a good chapter, but you didn't mention how she knew she was in the future. As far as I know, Hermione doesn't have special brain-reading powers, so it doesn't really make sense that she would regain conciousness and automatically -know- that she's in the future without even looking around first.

I see a couple of comma issues, but other than that, well written. good job! =]

Author's Response: I will go back and rework this chapter. Thanks for pointing this out to me.

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Review #12, by xhardcorebulletsxHogwarts Real Or Fake?: Magic?

5th March 2008:
I would answer that, but it seems that somebody else already beat me to it. =o

Voldimort=(Voldemort) *
Again, comma issues. but a nice idea. =]

What on earth were you knocking yourself unconcious for?

Author's Response: I don't know I was running and I thought I was walking, but I was really dizzy, so I was confused and... well I knocked into a wall.

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Review #13, by xhardcorebulletsxThe Forgotten Room: The Game

5th March 2008:
ah: is like.. "AH! MY BED IS ON FIRE!"
awe: shock, wonder. I think you mean this one. =]

I'm wondering why she was chosen if it's her first year, and dumbledore didn't know her magical talents yet. Also, if she hadn't been to Hogwarts in years past, how would she know so much about Draco Malfoy, and how does she seem to 'know' everyone in the group, when nobody knew her in the first chapter. 2 hours is awfully quick to get to know someone and act the way around them in the way that she is acting.

again, tenses, POV.

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Review #14, by xhardcorebulletsxThe Forgotten Room: The First Night

5th March 2008:
there: like over "there"
their: shows ownership. I think you mean this one a lot.
also, (commodore)= (corridor) (I think that was what you were trying to say.

Again, several, several punctuation errors. I can't really provide very much constructive criticism until these errors are fixed, because you have a lot of flow issues as well.
again= SLOW DOWN!

(I would still suggest a beta reader)

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Review #15, by xhardcorebulletsxThe Forgotten Room: The Meet

5th March 2008:
(This is RachRae from the forum =] )
first off, you have a LOT of comma and period issues. It would be really, really helpful if you got a beta reader. They're really great people who read over your stories and give you advice on how you can improve them.
Secondly (Wesly)= (Weasley)*
Thirdly: You have actions, but you don't link them to the sentences and you also are mixing up the tenses and such of the paragraphs.
Fourthly: You are rushing SO FAST. =] slow down. what about Fred does she like? What is it about Annabelle does he like?

beta reader! get one! =] it'll help a lot!
I like how she starts in 4th year, but you don't really mention WHY she's just now starting..

Author's Response: OKay. This is my first Fan fic that I have wrote. Sorry and I will improve. How do I get a Beta reader?


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Review #16, by xhardcorebulletsxToo Bad: I Love My Mummy

5th March 2008:
i know that you aren't using this anymore, but this is a really well written story, and I only wish that your chapters were longer!

I'll search and search, and doubtless I'll not find you. (or if you're even still on here. I know it's been years) But this is good. =] I'm usually one to criticize. and I have nothing to say.

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Review #17, by xhardcorebulletsxToo Little Too Late: Too Little Too Late

4th March 2008:
I was really rather confused until I got to the bottom and it mentioned a song.

It might be easier and less confusing if you put the song in italics. =]

Other than that, you have a few comma mistakes that should be fixed...
Well written. Good job.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'll go back and change the song, and look for the comma mistakes. Thanks!

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Review #18, by xhardcorebulletsxUnimaginable: The Begining and The End

2nd March 2008:
wow. the years/ages of Arthur and Molly and Lily don't add up, but I still like it! You might want to go back and check on where you have your commas/periods, but other than that, it seems okay.

What a great idea, witch_by_trade!

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Review #19, by xhardcorebulletsxWinning Back Her Heart: Epilogue: Two Years After

2nd March 2008:
it was really, really, really rushed. And you do remember that it's 9 months for a pregnancy, right?

I wasn't too fond of it, but oh well. =] Keep in mind that a plot has to have 'filler chapters' to explain. It just seemed that you rushed right through because you wanted it all to be written and posted.
good luck with your future stories!

Author's Response: I do know that a pregnancy is 9 months. I tried to figure out how to word everything so it made sense. I might edit it but as of right now I have a lot of stories to post so I might not edit it. Thank you for reading anyway.

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Review #20, by xhardcorebulletsxWinning Back Her Heart: Decisions Are Hard To Make

2nd March 2008:
It just seems rather... bland. Rushed. Molly Weasley would make much more of a fuss if she found out that her only daughter was engaged to Harry Potter. Remember that Molly pretty much idolizes Harry and thinks of him as her own son. She would probably seem much more excited. And I fail to understand how Ginny could fake something for so long..

I just don't quite understand.
I really think that they ought to sound more excited about it..

Author's Response: Thanks. I'll see if I can edit this story. I might not change much of it because I have a lot of other stories to post. Thank you though.

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Review #21, by xhardcorebulletsxMy Life: My Life

1st March 2008:
well... that was completely and utterly depressing, my dear. You have several issues with comma/period placement, and a few spelling errors. It's a nice idea though.. sort of. =] in that depressing/dying way..

good job!

Author's Response: Thanks I'll fix the mistakes later. Thanks for pointing it out. yeah I kinda wrote it while I was depressed about somethhing I was also mad. Thanks
B.D.A


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Review #22, by xhardcorebulletsxFor the Greater Good: The State of Things

26th February 2008:
Excellent, excellent! I'm absolutely hooked. I haven't read a story like this at all. You have a few comma mistakes, but other than that.. well.. did I mention excellent?

kudos to you!

Author's Response: Thank you, thank you. Yeah there's HP time travel, and dimension travel, and AUs galore but I haven't found many stories like this. So I had to stop being lazy and write it myself. Curses!! ;) Did I mention thanks?

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Review #23, by xhardcorebulletsxOh to be a Slytherin: Tainted love...

26th February 2008:
Once again, a well written chappie! Again, a few errors. This time you have some commas where there could be periods or you are missing them.

[ What side do I join now the war is raging on? ]
I would add 'that' after 'now'. (helps with flow)

[ Professor Snape was now successor of Dumbledore, to many this was a bad thing but for our house this was a time of celebration. ]
This is an example. Instead of having a comma after Dumbledore, there should probably be a period, and then a comma should be after 'thing'.

But other than that, it's brilliant! I still love the descriptions and how you detail and write everything!

Author's Response: thanks for you reviews.

I'll keep an eye out on the gramma lol



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Review #24, by xhardcorebulletsxOh to be a Slytherin: So it starts...

26th February 2008:
First off, I love your writing style! I love the clever way that you slide comments in to describe everything. One problem I have with this chapter is that you have several comma and apostrophe mistakes.

for instance:
[ 'Nevermind that lets get on!' called Draco ]
This would be better written as {'Nevermind that, let's get on!' called Draco. }

There was also a spelling mistake realised=realized. (I went back and read over so I could find you a quote/location, but am unable to find it now. ) : )

Overall, good job! I'll be sure to check back when you get more chapters up!

Author's Response: I'm glad you like my writing!

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Review #25, by xhardcorebulletsxEchoes: The Potters

24th February 2008:
I haven't read anything like this at all. Very clever story... I'm impressed! I love the amount of detail and thought that you put into this story! I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I've seen a few variations on this theme, but never anything going in the direction I'm taking this story. Glad you enjoyed it!

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