I still love this story. You're an amazing writer and this is so in canon yet still extremely forbidden. I truly adore your work, I cannot even find one fault. 10/10 without a doubt Report Review
I love this, you a superb writer. This is nothing less than amazing! The whole seeker idea was just brilliant. (: Report Review
! Oh god, haha! I just love your sense of humour ... ''I'll just go tell my minions--er, I mean friends.'' Report Review
Hey LadyMalfoy, I'm back to reviewing (: sorry it took me so long, I've been a bit busy beta-ing and writing for myself ...
I loved this chapter! Your control of language was a lot better and I was really draw in (: I love how Malfoy just forced himself on her and I'm interested to see who she will choose between him and George. Harry is such a nice brother - I would though, like to see him and Nicole have a little fight though - I think it would create a nice twist.
This is a lovely, light-hearted story, and I look forward/to seeing some more work (: could I suggest you maybe get a banner? I know its superficial, but a banner really helps draw readers into stories. Just a suggestion, take care and look forward to more, Mahalia xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this review! :) im trying a lot to get better at the writing i think im going to have one of my friends be a beta for me in the future.
I dont want to give to much away with the whole Malfoy George Nicole triangle but you just have to keep reading, i wanted to make Malfoy just as aroggant and Sneaky as in the original stories, i hope i have done so.
As far as banners go i have tried over and over and over again and i cant seem to figure anything out about them what so ever. If you could tell me how to get them on, or how to work them feel free to email me whenever my email is imagination_23@live(dot)com
Ive taken a great liking to your reviews and they seem to be helping me in my writing a lot thank you so much! xx *hugs* hope for more reviews in the future!!! Report Review
What? I can't believe I never left a review for this! It was the most amazing one-shot I've ever read, no exaggerations. There was the perfect control of language and just the right emotion, and their relationship was amazing (: I love this and think you should try making it an original short story. The dreams rose had gave it an eerie quality that I just adored (: xxAuthor's Response: EE!
You made my DAY, May...again [aka: read this first ages ago]. Will work on making this original. Thank you to the moon! :D Report Review
I wrote a review but it didn't load ): Im sad to hear that this is your last fanfiction but I understand (: always know that you are an amazing writer with a gift and never give up.. This story has left me feeling wonderfully fulfilled - it was beautiful (: I love your writing a lot and would love to read your originals
Sorry, also that I havent gotten around to your email ATM haha... Look forward to it this week or next,
Many hugs and take care,
May xxAuthor's Response: Lovely May!
Oops--didn't respond when I first read this :/. Many apologies! Ah, I love your reviews. Thank you so much :). Miss ya!
[laughs, 'cause this wasn't the last fanfic, afterall...]
Hey dancinggirl, this is Mahalia from the forums leaving the beta review.
Firstly, I really love this idea for the story. I think it has good potential, especially with the creative use of first person. The thing I find letting your story down most is your sentence structure. I feel as if your story stops then goes, and it blocks the readers off from feeling your characters emotions - which is a big no when writing. I think this could be easily fixed though. Sentences such as: 'Hermione walked towards the silver car of her best friend, Derek. Her best friends outside of school were Derek, Emily and Laetitia. All four were magical, but they went to different schools.' I feel, because this is your beginning, you need a start that is less rushed and more drawing for your readers. Something like, 'Hermione walked towards the car of her best friend, Derek, (insert action here, eg. 'eyes averted to the floor'). When she wasn't at her home away from home, Hogwarts, her main company was Derek, his sister Emily, and Laetitia. All three were magical like herself, but attended different schools.' Now, this is still quite shotty and needs work, but it has the impact and start that I feel you should be looking for.
Another point is, Laetitia was mentioned at the beginning, but never again. Unless she's making an appearance in the future, I think it is best to just cut her out.
Your grammar is alright. Nothing a few commas here and there couldn't fix. Your main problem is sentence structure and control of language I find. I'm really sorry I can't go over the whole chapter with you - it is hard in a review, but I hope you can see what I mean. I usually beta by writing my opinions in red next to the error, then I send it away to you so you can have a look and change it to what you feel is best. Grammar and spelling I will change right away. I think this method is the most appropriate to help you as a reader improve and to create your own style.
If you don't like this way, then good luck with finding a beta and this story. It has very promising tendencies and a great plot!
Mahalia xx Report Review
I would like to ask a question .. What made you think of this fic? To keep everything relatively normal and to make it normal the way you have is a pretty good skill. You've created you're own world. And your descriptions very nicely controlled. Loving it!Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) I wasn't sure if people would like the complete twist on the story. To answer your question i got the idea when reading harry potter 7 and harry asks himself in the graveyard what might his life be like if voldemort had never existed and his parents had survived and he had siblings.
This is the first story in a series of seven just like the original books with similar dark magic, duels, and love. I hope you continue reading book one is semi dull but as the story goes on book two is much more exciting! Thank you so much for the review and read.
XX LadyMalfoy23 Report Review
This is a really nice story (: I can tell by the way you write you love your characters and that you've also put thought into it. I think you might need to just give it a once over to fix some grammatical errors, but that's about it. Really good job here for your first fic. Congrats (: xxAuthor's Response: Thanks, yeah i will be fixing the errors when i get this story finished completely its the first of 7! :) Im usually fighting my 10 month old baby while writing and not paying much attention! Thank you so much for the read!
xx LadyMalfoy23 Report Review
ah! What just happened??!! Omg, please update soon :P this is so amazing!
I cant leave a long review, I'm sorry. But you kno I love this story Merope! You're writings so fantastic
Mahalia xxAuthor's Response: Thank you! I will try to write and update as soon as possible. Your reviews are always so encouraging and I am really happy you are enjoying this!
Merope :) xx Report Review
you have such a wonderful imagination! I am so dragged in by the believability of this story. Dominus blackwell is the perfect image of a death eater, isn't he? The way he delt with kingsley shacklebolt was both cold and collected, a trait Rowling always seemed to put in her slytherins/death eaters. And draco! Omgsh, that was just a brilliant twist to the story. Im really going to love to see where he now stands with the death eaters.
One thing i picked up on - when shacklebolt is talking to Dominus he say I can do that instead of can't. Its near the beginning of the chapter.
So excellent, 10/10!
Mahalia xxAuthor's Response: Thank you! Your review is very encouraging and you are also too kind. I'm really glad you like the character of Dominus Blackwell, especially since it took me a while to "construct" him. I am very glad it came across well.
Draco...yes...I couldn't wait to include him properly in the story as he is one of my favourite characters. I love writing about him, and I am really happy you are interested in reading more about him.
Thanks for picking that up. It's my fault because I don;t alway re-read what I wrote before submitting and I always end up having minor things like this in the chapter. I will change it.
Thank you once again for your lovely and encouraging and kind reviews. This story means a lot to me and I am really glad you are enjoying it.
Merope :) Report Review
haha that was too exciting! I loved their interaction about the muggles - so funny, I loved it (:Author's Response: Thank you so much!!! Oh my gosh, does this mean you're back?! :D Report Review
this chapter was so descriptive and written with such strong emotion. It was done so well I was actually getting teary. You do Rose's voice amazingly - I've never been into next-gen fics but I love this. You have me entranced (:Author's Response: Really? (blushes)...thank you so much, you just made my day. I'm sorry you almost got teary, but I'm happy you found the chapter written so strongly. I really like Rose...or rather the Rose in my mind. I find it really enjoyable to write about her and if that comes across well, then I am certainly very glad.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing and I hope you will enjoy the other chapters as much.
Merope :) Report Review
I really like this idea, and I can see your very skilled at writing and I really enjoyed it. There are a few grammatical errors, but nothing that a reading over can't fix. One thing though, when finishing a quotation, always put a comma at the end of the sentence if you're going to describe the quotation (eg. instead of ''Please leave.'' Said Hermione, its would be ''Please leave,'' said Hermione). Also, I find some of the characters reactions to be unbelievable nearing the end, apart from Rose's, which was describe wonderfully. I really enjoyed reading this and I'm very interested to see where it will take me (:
Mahalia xxAuthor's Response: Thank you both for reading and the constructive comments! I am really glad you are enjoying the story and I hope you will find the next few chapters as interesting.
Merope :) Report Review
I really like this story idea and concept, I believe it has really good potential. I'm sucked in by your plotline, it reminds me a lot of the breakfast club - and I love that movie! You write very beautifully, but at times I feel that your story hits rocks. Paragraphs flow nicely but then you seem to loose your momentum. Its as if you just get sick of writing the paragraph and move onto the next without letting it melt onto the next paragraph - if that makes sense.
Other than that, there's just the fact that Blaise (mysteriously due to his mother) doesn't have a father. But it really doesn't matter, its called artistic creativity ;)
I loved this story. Its such a wonderful idea. I kno you haven't updated in a while but I would love to read on..
Thanks so much for this read!
Xx MahaliaAuthor's Response: Hi!
Yes, there was definitely a "Breakfast Club" inspiration for this story. That is one of my personal favourites to watch on a Sunday afternoon. I remember being so excited writing this chapter. Thanks for reading!
GG007 Report Review
): its so sad yet so refreshing at the same time. You kno I hate this pairing but I can't get enough of your writing! Its like you create your own world, you own song (pun intended). (:
I can't really write a long review now but you better reply anyway. Please! I miss you!Author's Response: Haha you should be PUNished for that pun, miss. :P [Puns complete me, btw. Ask anyone I know--they hate me for it]
I've replied, as you wished. Happy? :P Again, so glad you like this so far, and keep reading, my friend! Miss you, too. Report Review
ah, you better keep updating! I've come back after two years off here and everyone's gone! What's the dealio?! I will be emailing you of this predicament.
Oh, this is, like all your other stories, so beautifully written. The part where you describe Hermione not being in love with Ginny, and george and all the weasleys is just so sweet and so genius. You just do things so friggin well. I am, as always, in awe of you miss!Author's Response: I hate to phrase it like this, but in some ways, I feel like we've grown out of it? I love writing fanfics, but I keep feeling originals forming in my mind, plus school going on and just life...so In Retrospect's the last one, I think. And don't worry--I've already added all the chapters on here. SO you'll have our ending on here :D.
SO glad you enjoyed this prologue and reviewed! Report Review
I cannot even find words! Seriously. I loved every bit of this. It just flowed - the characters, the description and setting. All magnificent. Draco really has change and it was just so refreshing knowing that even tho you haven't specified you know that him and hermione prevail.
I JUST LOVED IT! I DON'T WANT IT TO END.
But, this just means i'll be reading your new stories. I love your writing ra, you are - well, you kno what I think. My opinion will never change! And, I like your beard too ;D xx
(P.S. I have to disagree with the way some people have responded to this chapter - about your inclination to God. Of course people own personas and beliefs are going to show through their writing, that is the whole point of being an author. I think it would be naive for any writer not to slip in something they kno about into their writing, because it would create a world that doesn't make sense to them, and therefore wouldn't make sense to anyone else. A hell, we all kno hp isn't real, so who's to say Gods not either and why can't they be combined?? Also, they should realise that your 'God' in reference to Draco is actually 'love', as in,' 'God will prevail'/'Love will prevail'. I think it was a superb, different ending.
Your crazy may xxAuthor's Response: YAY May! Beautiful review. Touched my heart, it did ;P. Sorry, but In Retrospect is the only one I'll be finishing on here, I think. SO don't hate me for the others leaving you hanging.
Thanks soo much for these reviews, after such a time! It's always wonderful to hear from you, especially feedback!
P.S. I like your MOM's beard...yep. :P Report Review
I don't even have any words atm! I have missed this story so much!!Author's Response: I stared at this review for the longest time and FINALLY deciphered "atm". Not the brightest girl in the world atm :P. Thanks, again for zeh review! Report Review
Omgsh rachel, I don't want this to end. Its been nearly over a year since I've read this but I remember everything that's happened and I am still sucked in by these characters - that's how good this is! Draco's description of his father and mothers relationship was just amazing, and you can tell draco gets his passionate side from his mother - its so perfect how it all makes sense (or imperfect, I should say Hehe (: )
you make me a very very happy little girl, and when they walked into the order meeting - um, WOW. That was so descriptive. You manage to keep just an awesome pace, even when describing some of the most awkward situations. Oh, and btw, I friggin love the interaction between hermione and draco (:
so glad I'm reading again. I love you my most awesome rachie ;D xxAuthor's Response: Wow, even I can't remember what happened in Slytherin Song haha. SO glad you still like my writing from two years ago :P. I see these images in my head, and I have to get them down on paper, and it doesn't seem right unless it includes every detail. The Order scene was one of those images. It's really frustrating to write, actually, those impossible scenes, so I'm very appreciative that you liked it. Passionate Draco=love, so I'm glad you agree haha. So glad you're reading again, too! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Egh he's such a player.
I really really enjoy how I can see your writing style improving as the chapters continue. I liked this one the best mainly because I really kno how Pansy feels here. I can really feel her emotions and it draws me into your story. Its incredibly entertaining to read and a heavy deep story. Cannot wait to hear what Blaise has to say on this matter ;) keep it up,
MahaliaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the reviewings! I'm so happy that you like my story!
It really warms me up inside to know that you can see my writing is getting better as the chapters pass by :)
I'll do my very best to update very soon! Report Review
I think Pansy should ditch Draco and get with Blaise lol. I love how you've made their relationship bloom in just this story. You give the slytherins a heart that they usually miss out on.. I would really like to see Astoria's view on the whole situation (: Report Review
I like your story idea a lot. I can tell this is something new for you but you continue on with the storyline very smoothly. Your characters stay in canon and overall you've done a wonderful opening. My only problem is that at the beginning things seem to start a little to fast for me, and Pansy seems to warm up to the readers a little too quickly. But, at the end of the chapter it evened out and I started to grow to like her and even felt sorry for her.
A wonderful start (: Report Review
I read your other story and couldn't help sneaking a look at your page. I love it!! The way suzie deals with oliver just reminds me of how I let slip things unintentionally - yet the guys I kno pick up on it :S haha its so great and purely characterful of oliver to love Quidditch so much.
I've got to say, theres something missing in the story but you write so smoothly I can't even place my finger on it.. I can't wait to keep reading (: Report Review
haha, that was so entertaining. I have to tell you, I don't think it went angsty at all - I just felt as if luciuis was actually talking to me.. You captured his arrogant, sarcastic humour so well - I particularly loved the part about draco creepily 'hovering around', and the making love to narcissa - 'repeat. Repeat. Repeat.' It was classic and a great character build. For such a short story it truly was amazing (: Report Review
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