Haha, great chapter! I'm liking the development.
Can't wait for the next one.
-dramaqueen6 Report Review
I'm finally here. And oh my gosh: LOVED THIS CHAPTER! You are a genius. Great job! I especially loved how all Jenyse's boys were overprotective. Sirius made me laugh. And my favorite line was:
"James jumped and his left hand – which was undoubtedly previously on Lily’s right thigh – jumped up to run through his hair."
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: AHH!! HI! i missed you! haha.
AHHH!!! yayy!! success! haha. i'm so so so so happy that you liked this chapter. a genius? really? nahh. i just have a weird brain. haha. i wanna be Jenyse, so i can have her boys. all of them. Marauders, Trav-Trav the Asexual Lad, AND AL--...ian, i mean. damn. =D
yes! i love that line too! you're awesome!!! i'm so glad you reviewed! i LOVE hearing what you have to say! thanks thanks thanks!
~ Danica Report Review
HAHAHA.Great chapter! I really liked it! Ah, I should have known that Rose's luck would make him be connected to her somehow! Nice.
-dramaqueen6 Report Review
Oh my gosh you are back! Ah!! Great chapter, Danica! I absolutely loved it! Oh my gosh it was like a soap opera. I would be like 'tell them, jenyse, tell them!' and I was like so into it! Oh my gosh...I am just so happy right now. This chapter was crazy good... I'm running out of adjectives to describe it!
dramaqueen6Author's Response: ahh!!! YOU'RE back!! haha. thanks so so much!! your review was hilarious. hahah. a soap opera? is that a good thing? haha. ah! YOU'RE happy? I'M happy! so so happy right now. you just made my night. i'm very surprised you liked it so much. i thought it was just kind of a "so here's the plot, guys!" chapter. haha. i'm glad you did, though! means so much! thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks!!! you're awesome!!!
~ Danica Report Review
Hey, great first chapter! I really liked it. It was cool to see the Weasley family turned into merpeople! Very cool. But anyway, you should feel proud because you are one of the only people that have gotten their story up for the 'little mermaid challenge'!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! It's been fun transforming them. I hope you'll continue to enjoy this story. And thanks for the challenge! Report Review
Oh my gosh, absolutely hilarious chapter! My favorite lines:
"If I wanted a pure-blood dog I’d adopt Draco Malfoy"
"He looks worried. He’s thinking about the time he and Remus ‘accidentally’ poured chocolate ice-cream all over Victoire’s stock for her shop. And the time he and Remus ‘accidentally’ locked Dorie in a cupboard because she was trying to play with them. And the time they ‘accidentally’ took Grandad’s walking stick and Nana Molly’s umbrella and had a pretend duel and ended up breaking the old clock at The Burrow. “I’m sure Santa is very forgiving,” I assure him."
Hilarious. Great chapter!
-dramaqueen6 Report Review
Oh my goodness! I'm so happy that the sequel is here! And it's also kind of sad that I didn't notice until now...But anyway, welcome back! I've missed 'Delicate'!
1. That ending was so good! I could tell that things wouldn't end up perfectly. I'm excited to read the next chapter.
2. I think that you might need more visual descriptions in this first chapter. I mean, it is the first chapter, and it really helps to have detail so that readers can get a visual picture of what is happening.
Great first chapter!
-dramaqueen6 Report Review
Hey! Sorry for taking a while to review! I've been super busy.
Anyway, I really liked this first chapter! It was cool to see this event in the eyes of somebody else. Very interesting.
One suggestion that I have is for you to add a bit more detail to this chapter. Sure, it had some detail, but not enough that a person could get a complete picture, if you know what I mean. But that is an easy thing to add with a little bit of editing.
Anyway, great first chapter! Keep up the good work!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Thanks very much dramaqueen6!! :D Thanks for the tip! Report Review
Oh my gosh!
1. I am so sorry for taking so long to review! Life was crazy busy.
2. Oh my gosh this first chapter was amazing! Like, I seriously feel bad for not being able to give you any constructive critiscsism, because I loved everything about this first chapter! Oh my gosh it was so good!
Keep up the good work!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Hey! Don't worry about taking so long - it's totally not a problem. And thank you so much! I'm totally crimson over here - you have no idea what this means to me!
Again, thank you so much for your very kind review.
Kalina Report Review
Hello! Now I would like to say that I am so sorry to be reviewing so late after you requested it. I know that I say this too much, but life has been so busy! I hope you can forgive me.
1. Anyway, I thought this chapter was really cute. I liked the bit about James talking with food in his mouth.
2. It seemed sort of odd though, that Rose kept thinking 'no he's a malfoy, don't trust him' but James didn't seem to be on the same page. You would think that because of their families and everything, that they might have been thinking the same thing about him being a Malfoy. I liked that James was fine with Scorpius though, but you might want to have more of a reason for why he was fine with him. Maybe they bonded over quiditch or something?
3. There were two things that I think you can improve on.
A: I think you might need more detail in this chapter. Just more of a physical description of Scorpius' body language, the people in the Great Hall, etc.
B: When you go back to edit I think you should be aware that sometimes the sentances were a bit cluttered, causing the flow to get a little bit out of wack.
Anyway, those are just little things that you can fix while editing. So, great first chapter! I really liked it.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I don't mind how late it is, it's still a review. :P I got the James thing from Ron talking with food in his mouth in the books :) It's a bit cliche I think. :P I wanted James to be characterized a bit different than what most people have him characterized as, but I might add that whole Quidditch bit, it sounds like a good idea.
I'm going to get it all edited after I get all my challenges finished up. I'm obsessed.
Thanks again for the review!!!
~nicky Report Review
Oh! I'm so glad I read this! I really liked it. Here's my comments.
1. There were a few bits when the story that seemed to be in past tense, would switch to present tense, which made these words stick out a bit. But this can be easily fixed with a few minutes of editing.
2. I laughed when I read the line about Harry throwing up in his mouth. It seemed comical to me, but it almost didn't fit in with the rest of the story. Most of it seemed serious, except for this moment. But I think it would fit better as a comical piece, especially because of Harry's nightmare.
Anyway, great job on this! I enjoyed reading it.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Thanks for the review .. getting this beta-ed would probably be a good idea. Keeping everything in the same tense seems to be difficult for me. I was sort of going for a comical angle, are you suggesting I change the Genre?
Anyhoot ... thanks again for reviewing :) Report Review
Ah, this chapter was really good. Very sweet. Actually I think it's the beset one yet. The writing was truly magnificent. My favorite chapter so far. Keep up the good work!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: thank you so much :) I'll try to keep it up :D Report Review
Great chapter! Sure the wait was long, but at least you came back with an amazing chapter! James was hilarious. lol.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Haha, glad you think so. I Report Review
Hey! Haha, it was funny, when I saw that this story had been updated I had totally forgotten what it was about! But I'm glad that you updated. And I know how it feels to be the author that doesn't update for a while. Getting to it eventually is better than abandoning a story, anyway.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: I'm glad to hear that. Also glad that you're still reading. Thanks for that! Report Review
Hey! Sorry I took a while to get to this review, but I've been seriously crazy with my audition for a show, so I haven't had much time to be on the computer!
1. I think the main thing lacking in your story at this first chapter, is an introduction. It kind of plunges right in without truly explaining who the characters are, what they look like, what the environment around them is, and etc. I would strongly suggest to edit that into this chapter.
2. It was also kind of odd that Narcissa and Lily were best friends. I kind of liked that though. But I think you need to explain that though Lily and Narcissa had their differences, that they were still able to be best friends. Because if you don't explain it, it doesn't really make much sense.
3. Your portrayal of James was also kind of odd. He was written sort of in a sweet way, which didn't make him seem annoying, just sort of desperate. So it really didn't make sense for Lily to be screaming at him, when he wasn't being annoying at all. So I would suggest that you re-write James to be less OOC, and fit better with Lily's hatred. Or if you want it to seem that he has matured, that Lily's portrayal changes. Either way.
So anyway, pretty good start! I think with some editing, this chapter can be even better. I mean, there's always room for improvement.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Hey! It's perfectly fine! I have the same exact problem actually.
1. Yeah, I would strongly recommend that too.
2. This was my huge AU moment... so I thought it would be fun to write.
3. Yeah. I have issues writing James... my friend says it's because he's too much like me. :P
Thanks so much!
~nicky Report Review
Hey! Sorry I took a while to review, but I'm finally here!
1. I really liked the theme of the story. It was cool to be in Oliver's point of view, at the battle of Hogwarts. It struck me as strange that the OC was never given a name, but I think it worked well without one.
2. I found it sort of unbelievable and unrealistic that he broke up with her over their quidditch teams being rivals. But if you want to keep it that way, I think you need to have him emphasize what a stupid decision it was, and how stupid it was for him to even think that they couldn't be together just because their teams were enemies. Because it just didn't work without a reason.
3. I really liked the description of the story. It worked really well. There were some parts of sentances that were sort of awkwardly put, which kind of messed up the flow. But all that takes to fix is reading it out loud and getting rid of odd bits and ends that make a sentance more cluttered.
So anyway, really great job on this story! I really liked the idea. It was very original.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Hi! It's no problem, thanks for dropping by. :D
I didn't want to state a name so as to maintain an air of mystery. ><
Okay, thanks for pointing that out. I just thought that since he was written to be so obsessed about Quidditch in the books, that would be okay, but I guess it was exaggerated... :)
Thanks for the feedback, I'll try to smoothen the flow :)
Cheers :D Report Review
Gasp. Danica? I could cry right now...Oh my gosh. It was such an amazing ending chapter! But...the end. How sad..I mean it was dramatic. It was written beautifully. But so sad! So there's a sequel, right? I mean, there has to be one. Right? Oh no...I'm getting scared now.
There must be a sequel! It could be about them, and how she gets him to remember. Right? Right?
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: ahh. so you don't read my author's notes. hahahha. just kidding. yeah. one of the p.s.'s in the last one was "i can't wait for you guys to see the banner of the sequel to this story!!" hint hint! hahahha. i'm so so sorry! i didn't mean to devastate that many people with one (long-arse) chapter! haha. but if you guys are sad, that means you care about my characters, right? that's touching! =D i really do hope that you come back and read and review the sequel! your reviews are amazing. i love them. thank you so so much for all that you've said! hang tight. you'll get more Jenyse and Ian Hayes eventually.
~ Danica Report Review
Ooh, really good chapter! I really liked it. I'm so sorry I took forever and a day to review. Life is so busy!
1. While this chapter was really good, it seemed that a lot was said, without anything really happening. There was a bit of action, but not enough to satisfy a reader.
2. I also really like how you are making an effort to use words that she would actually use, and explain them to people who don't understand their meaning. Good job on that!
3. I also loved the descriptions of Fred and George. You captured them perfectly.
Anyway, great chapter!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: First of all, I'm so, SO sorry it took me so long to reply.
1) I know, it was a filler chapter *hangs head*, but it did have some character development, if you look VERRY close.
2)I just feel that it's RIGHT, you know? Without it, Johanna wouldn't be who she is; but I'm glad that people like it, because I was kind of worried about the reception that a vernacular as drastically different as SA slang would get, but it's been great so far!
3) That's great, I'm really glad you said that; that was a definite challenge, and I'm glad they turned out well!
Thanks so much for the great review, and again, I'm SO sorry for the late reply!
♥-Ai Report Review
Hey! I'm so sorry that I took so long to get to this review. It turns out that holiday break, is just as stressful as the weeks leading up to it!
1. You said that this story was written for a description challenge, and on that note, you definitely achieved a story full of wonderful description. Great job on that.
2. Parts of the story were hard to understand though. The sentances describing Snape and Peter were kind of jumbled, making it hard to understand whether Snape was guarding Peter, or the other way around.
3. I really liked how the story was in Peter's perspective. It was dark, but it was interesting to hear and see his thoughts as he gave away James' secret.
4. I also really liked the bit about Snape leaving quickly, because he understood that Lily would have to die, and that was the girl that he loved. He was rushing off to Dumbledore, right? That was incredibly sad. But written very well.
So anyway, great story! You did a really good job. I love the 'mischief...managed' part.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I did really work hard on the description, so I'm glad you think it's good. I'm not sure what you mean about the jumbleness, but I'll certainly go back through and look harder to see if I can spot anything.
Yes, Snape was indeed rushing off to Dumbledore. I relied way more on the reader's knowledge of canon to supply that explanation though, because of course Peter would have no way to even suspect. Most people seem to have gotten that though. :)
I know it's not really a good idea to get too close to your own work, but I really do love the ending too! I really wanted to connect it to the Marauders somehow, just to make the point that Peter was still Wormtail, even when he betrayed his friends, and it think it really worked.
Thanks again, and don't worry about taking a while. Trust me, I definitely know about being busy. Report Review
Hey! I'm so sorry I haven't come to read and review this before now, but I've honestly been so busy! Oh, and congratulations on being the first one in the Little Mermaid story challenge to post your story!
So what I'm thinking that I'll do for this review is do it like I would any of the stories on my review thread. I'll give constructive critiscism and all that, so that you can edit. And then if you want, I can come back once you've edited to have the edited version be the one to be judged in the story challenge. So yeah.
1. I liked how you jumped right into the story, but I think what's lacking in this chapter is a proper introduction. You know, explain where the story takes place, and all about her life in greater detail. Right now it's kind of confusing to know where this story is going on (mainly because she called her mother 'ma' and had all the jonas brothers and hannah montana stuff going on. I think you might need to explain where it takes place. Like if it's in the US where the american disney celebrities focus on, or in Britain where most people who go to hogwarts live).
2. Another big issue where the consistant typos and spelling mistakes and all of that. I would recommend getting a beta on this story, just to help you make sure that any little errors in the writing are fixed, because it can reflect badly on a story, which you don't want. Oh, and with editing, I think you might want to look at the flow of the sentances as well, just to make it easier to read. Another thing in general would be addind more detail to the chapter, because it did seem a bit rushed.
But anyway, I hope I haven't been too hard on you. I just wanted to make sure to give you as much advice as I could, so that you can edit and make this story as best it can be, for the judging of the challenge!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Thanks for the info. I typed this up on HPFF since I dont have Word, so I guess I didn't proof-read as well as I should have. I've just gotten a beta, so all of that should be getting fixed later, and I have some more info in the second chapter, but if you say I guess more info could be added. My character is alot like me, so she calls her mother a series of names, like 'ma,' 'mum,' and 'mother,' so I'm sorry for any confusion. I can work on an introduction also. Thank you so much for the feedback and I hope you check back in soon. Report Review
Oh my goodness! Danica, your writing just keeps getting better and better! Seriously, amazing chapter. My favorite part was how agonized he was, and then suddenly she was running into his arms. It was a very The Notebook moment. lol. Anyway, great job on this. So will this story continue as a sequel? That would be fun. If not, I can't wait to check out any other stories from you!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: aww! thanks so much!!!
boy, and your reviews keep getting better and better! hahah! thank you so so much! and yeah, i feel like i'm getting better at the fluidity of my writing. before, i was like, "what the hell do i write next?!?!" i still am like that. haha. but not as much. you can ask Molly Raesly. she can attest. hahah.
ahh! i like that part too. though i do have to say that the pervy moments were quite enjoyable to write. hahah.
ummm...i dunno. you'll have to see. hahah! and i would just absolutely LOVE IT if you would come back and review for any story i write! you're awesome!!! and you always happen to make me smile with your wonderful reviews! thanks again!!!
~ Danica Report Review
Ah!!! Great chapter! What a cliffhanger! Oh my gosh. Amazing writing. I loved how perfect Teddy and Victoire worked together.Author's Response: thank you, i love seeing their relationship twist and change! Report Review
Hilarious chapter, as always. Pineapple was hilarious. Love the name. Haha, update soon.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Thanks for your review! As you might imagine, Pineapple was a delight to write. ^_^ Report Review
Hey! Here I am to review.
1. When I first read the summary of this story, I wasn't so sure about it. Mainly because I haven't read much slash or femmeslash, so I didn't really know what to think about it. But I've got to say, I really loved this story. The writing was magnificent.
2. I think my favorite part of this was the beginning when Ginny was spying on Harry with Luna while they thought of ideas for Valentines day. It was written excellently and I thought it was hilarious to imagine Ginny peeking over with the binoculars. lol.
Anyway, great job on this story! I have nothing to critiscize!
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: Aww... thanks for reading it anyway even though femmeslash isn't the type of story you read. :) And I'm glad that you liked it anyway.
Thanks for the feedback! :) Report Review
Here's my review! Sorry I left you waiting!
1. First of all I'd like to say that I think you did a good job over all, on the story. I really liked how it was laid out, and the plot was interesting. On a general note, one thing that I think could be improved on was a tad bit of a lack of detail in general. But with some editing, that would be fine.
2. At first I was a little annoyed at the descriptions of Sirius as a playboy type, that made him sound really immature. But then I saw the description of why, because he was finally free. That made perfect sense to me, and I'm glad you had a reason for his lack of maturity, and because of that, it was written very well.
3. I do feel like some of the characteristics of Ron in this, were a bit OOC. One in particular was the way he referred to Hermione as 'Mione. I just felt like that was too babyish for him to do. I think it would be a lot better if he called her Hermione most of the time, and 'Mione' a little less. But that's just my opinion of nicknames like that.
Anyway, great starting chapter! You did a really good job. It really left me intrigued.
-dramaqueen6Author's Response: I actually edited that 'mione part... I'll have to go back and check to make sure the change was visable! Thanks for the great review! *HUGS* Report Review
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