I just want to say, another excellent job. You did very well in your descriptions of Haley's and the other characters settings and what was around them and how they felt. I also really like how you created Haley's reaction to being a witch, and I can't wait for her sorting. She's very intelligent, so it might be ravenclaw, but I have a feeling based on the plot so far that it will be Gryffindor. I'm very curious to see how she reacts when she sees Harry :) This is a really good plot line, in fact, one of the best I've seen when it comes to an OC. To reiterate, I really enjoyed how descriptive this chapter was, and it created a lot of plot possiblities :)
He has effected the wizarding world before and now he is back, returning to his dark ways
* effected should be affected
accompanied by a woman who wore her hair in a tight bun at the back of her head and dressed that dark, emerald robes
*should be "back of her head and dressed in dark, emerald robes"
But in reality Haley had know idea how
*need to change "know" to "no"
10/10 for an excellent jobAuthor's Response: Wow! 10/10! You just made me blush :) I'm ecstatic that you liked my story.
It's great to hear that you enjoyed reading my descriptions and the other character settings.
As for the sorting... you'll just have to read to find out but you're guesses are very good ;)
And of course the grammar...I will go back and fix those mistakes but I will have to wait until the queue is back open.
Thank you so much for your lovely reviews! Report Review
Sorry, nitpicking again lol.
"The girl lying in his bed was one of the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen"
I don't think she would be referred to as a creature, but thats just my humble opinion.
Now, as for plot, I think that you're doing a really good job in keeping the readers interested by having all this plot and advances in each chapter. However, I advise you not to entangle too much plot, because then the story may be a little too confusing.
Your story isn't confusing as of yet, however, because the plot runs smoothly and intertwines very well. I very much enjoy how you have developed a bit more of Haley's character, without even having her speak. This is a very good chapter, and I thought that Harry's reactions were very realistic.
Good job so far :)
9/10Author's Response: Don't worry about nitpicking! It's nice to have people pick up on things that I've missed :)
As for the plot, thanks for your advice. I know exactly what you mean about having the plot get too complicated to I will be sure to watch out for that.
It's great that you think I developed Haley's character well. At first I was a little worried and troubled by the whole thing but now I feel a little better about it.
Anyway, thank you so much for you kind and helpful reviews! Report Review
I just had one little nitpick for grammar:
She loved the way the summer made her feel.
I think it should be : She loved the way that summer made her feel.
Anyways, on to my general opinion.
I think it's a wonderful fic, I really enjoyed this chapter! I thought that maybe Haley could have used a bit more developing, but I have a feeling that will come in later chapters. I enjoy where (I think) this story is going, and you made a good capture for the readers :) I look forward to reading more of this story!
9/10Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out that grammar thing. I will go back and fix that up first chance I get. Also, I'm so glad that you enjoyed this first chapter. I hope you like the rest! Report Review
When Mrs. Cleary asked how to comfort the little girl, Mrs. Stewart told her to simply ignore the noise, and Pricilla would eventually go back to sleep.
I think this sounds a bit awkward, maybe it should be worded something like this:
When Mrs. Cleary asked how to comfort the little girl, Mrs. Stewart told her to simply ignore the noise, and that Pricilla would eventually go back to sleep.
Good chapter overall, although I think it was mentioned that Anna was only 13? She seems (through her actions and dialogue) that she may be a bit older. Also, I love the plot and how Alex saw Nyah ride off on her bike :) very evil lol.
I'm liking where this story is going, you're doing a really good job. I will review later chapters when I review everyone else's :)
Hello again! :)
Reading that sentence separate from the chapter, it does sound a bit odd... thanks for pointing that out!
Yes, Anna is only 13 but being raised in the home that she was - there was no choice but to grow up really fast. Mother has no time for 'little children' so their childhood ended when she married Robert and she began her climb on the social ladder.
I'm very glad you're enjoying it, and I'm sorry it took so long to respond to your wonderful reviews! :D Thanks again!
I really enjoyed this chapter, and the development of Nyah and her magical abilities. I also enjoy how you made her mother and father very believable and three dimensional in their development. A lot of the time, with OC's and their parents, the OC's parents are terribly underdeveloped, but you've done a really good job with this :) And even more good news, i didn't find really any spelling or grammar to pick at :)
I'm very glad all of the characters thus far are coming across well! Thanks for taking time to look at the chapter and leaving a wonderful review!
Wow... no major errors! yeah! :D
"Nyah turned and walked to the small loo in the front hall to do something with her hair as Mother asked."
I think it should be :
"Nyah turned and walked to the small loo in the front hall to do something with her hair as Mother had asked."
"Mother would not be pleased, not that she ever was; at least not with Nyah."
I think it should be:
"Mother would not be pleased, not that she ever was, with Nyah."
"Anna was a couple of years older than Nyah, and as Mother insisted, Anna stood with perfect posture. Blond curls framed Anna’s porcelain skin effortlessly, her dark brown eyes filled with concentration" I think it should be a semi-colon (;) instead of a comma (,).
POV problem: "That doctor gave Mother and Father a medicine that he said would ‘set me right’. " - it should be "her" or "Nyah".
Other than that, it's a really good story and plot line you have going :) I'm really enjoying this, and I can't wait to see what happens next, and I'm interested to read on to see when the canon characters make an appearance :)
9/10 for a job well done!Author's Response:
Hi! Thanks for taking time to review! I really appreciate it!
Thanks for pointing all those problems. I'll get the edits done asap! :D
I'm glad you're enjoying the story! I really appreciate your input! :)
I can't wait for Hermione's response!! Report Review
awesome story so far, ill be sure to follow it!Author's Response: aw shucks thanks so much! second chapter will be up soon! thanks again! Report Review
i like the ending!
and the story!
great work! Report Review
awesome story! Report Review
aww, great work :) Report Review
you never told me what the kids were playing with
*tear tear*Author's Response: Not what, who.....look at *who* was there with the kids. :) Report Review
aha. way to not continue! lol
but good story! Report Review
they should end up together!
and im really looking forward to the surprise you have about harry!
cheers!Author's Response: Cool, thanks. ^_^ Report Review
i like the story so far ^^
i would ask you to check out mine, but the first chapter hasnt been approved yet Report Review
You didn't just do that to me!
Suspense. ahhh. I love it
I can't wait till the next chapter now! please.. make it soon! lol Report Review
It looks like a good story so far, can't wait for the rest ^^Author's Response: Thankyou! I'm currently debating wether or not to keep Fred...to stick to Canon...or not? Hmm...I think I might keep him to spare the angst/grief/messiness. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Im looking forward to the next chapters! its a really good story :)Author's Response: theyre in validation right now Report Review
I'm really interested on how this story will unfold. Great prologue ^^Author's Response: Cheers
I'll post the next chapter now:) Report Review
The one thing I can say right now, is that I'm sad it's over! I just sat here and read all the chapters, and it was an amazing story! You did a really good job! congrats ^^Author's Response: thank you! Report Review
I personally loved this chapter. I'm not sure, but I think you're being hard on yourself. Things can get hectic once school comes around. I know it has for me.
Author's Response: yeah.. thank you! Report Review
I liked this chapter, although not as much as the last one. But I'm reading through, and it's a really good story :)
I look forward to the next chapters Report Review
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