I don't think I've sent you a review before, but I just wanted to let you know much I've been enjoying your stories. First of all of you have come up with one of the very few plausible reasons for a student to transfer to Hogwarts and written it believably. Your charactors are strong and well written, I believe thier motivations and actions.
And have I mentioned its a darn good series overall :)
Mischief Managed aka VampiremouseAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you've been enjoying my stories! There are a lot of stories out there about transfer students and a lot of people think it's cliche to include on in a story, but I'm glad you still read mine! I have yet to come across a story about someone who transferred for the same reasons Amy did. I'm glad it's believable! Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
woohoo your writing this again...and can I just say its shaping up to be a delightful story. Those marauders...lol. Yep they are back. So bittersweet in a way down to two but still who they were for a brief moment...and yet they will both be acting as professors..poor minnie..lolAuthor's Response: yes i am writing this! (and the next chapter is comeing...slowly)
thanks for the reviiew Report Review
What do I think? I think this is very well written, an intriguing though abhorant concept, and you should write more chapters. You should write more chapters soon, so I can read them ;)Author's Response: lol - well thank you i do have more written. currently though i am waiting on a banner i'll update real soon i promise, and thank you again so very very much! love it ^_^ Report Review
Its defiantely confusing but I'm sticking with it and hoping you make good on thart promise to explain all this ;)
mischief managed/vampiremouseAuthor's Response: Lol. Of course :) Thank you so much for the time and CC ^_^ Report Review
Okay first something you should probably fix.
"No one wishes to keep you in employment as you practically attract the Death Eaters abode."
Something feels off with this sentance. An "Abode" is a home as far as I am aware. I guess its possible you are using an alternate meaning that is uniquely British or which I have just never heard of but uh I'm trying to think of a word that is even similar in spelling to abode that should go in its palce and I'm at a total loss. "attract the Deatheater's notice" also check the lexicon but I think Deatheaters is one word and I think you are using it possesively?
I'm still confused at to the time line...what did Hermoine Jump from some other year directly into seventh year when the trip were actually not there?
Malfoy felt about 80% on as far as charactor which is good but could improve. hermoine and Malfoy together about the same.
On to the next chapter as the mystery continues ;)Author's Response: Well...I do think that attract trouble abode is right usage, but I'll find out! DE too.
Doesn't the end say something about how Harry did not return back to school? This is after HBP.
Thank you so much :) Report Review
Sorry to take so long in getting to you...I work two jobs and also write my own stories. And if it makes any sense I try to review when I'm in the right sort of mood for it.
The begining works reasonably well, I'm not very familar with the canon on Lavender Brown so I'll accept her and her interaction with Hermoine at face value.
"Still preoccupied with her musings, she stopped the running only to check her time table."
When did she start running? You amy want to actually establish her runnign before she stops doing it. Also when she woke up in the dorm was anyone else there? How does she know she slept for seven hours?
Those minor issues aside, okay you got me...I'm interested what the heck is going on here...guess I'll go read the next chapter.
Oh you may want to establish which year of school this is in some fashion, unless it becomes clear in the next chapter.
vampiremouseAuthor's Response: Hey-a. Oh I thought I did say that she was running. But for the latter, I'll definitely write and include something!! Thank you so much for the CC. ^_^ Such tiny issues sometimes just don't come to you!
Thank you and yes, I think you'll find out soon about the year in which they are! Report Review
You have a VERY interesting story going here. I'm greatly enjoying it and look forward to the next chapterAuthor's Response: thank you! =:) Report Review
This feels like another transitional chapter, which makes sense its the start of seventh year. A very sweet moment at the end. The female friends are growing on me. Wow is this girl confused...lol.Author's Response: Hehe! Thanks, glad you like them. And OH YES is she confused. Thats going to (hopefully) play a big part in the next chapter so I hope you enjoy that. The floating heads are much more clear in my mind now, after writting further chapters so I hope that shows in them later on. Thanks for sticking with this and reviewing it! Your a star! Thanks so much! Report Review
I'm enjoying this story but I feel as if sometimes signifigant moments of the plot just get...skipped. The parents reaction to Lily ending ujp sleeping enxt to the boys and her mixed up views on it pretty good. But uh the scene itself kinda came out of nowhere. And then Lily as head girl teh whole conversation spot on, James thinking he has the wrong letter, finding out he is actually head boy all great. Remus finally arrives but they don't discuss James being head boy and we still haven't seen Peter at all? The conversational moments are often strong but sometimes the momentium gets lost in the exposition if that makes sense. Keep up the good work but with some polish I'd like to see you go from good to greatAuthor's Response: Thank you again for the review! It is really helpful all the things you are saying, and hopefully you will see the story progress, and hopefully my writting too I find speech hard to write, and I'm working on it. But thanks so much for the lovely comments about the stuff you thought I did well! Report Review
I didn't get drawn into this chapter as much as the previous few, the girls feel a bit like "Talking heads" try for a bit more action or emotion if you can. Still this is a transitional chapter and they are often a bit more sedate then the more pivitol chapters. I think you have the roots of a good chapter it just needs a bit of polishing. Sirius and Lilyl, I'm still making up my mind how that section went.Author's Response: Thanks again for the review! And reviewing on Christmas day! You deserve a medal or something lol!
I will work on the 'talking heads thing' thanks for the heads (bad pun I know) up :) Report Review
Interesting premise, liking it so far...so uh whens the next chapter coming out? Report Review
This story is really starting to grow on me. I had a feeling she was going to be near James and Sirius but what a delightful twist on how they finally become friends and fall in love. I do hope the other marauders visit soon but wow this is really "Growing" into a nice story if you pardon the pun.
The dynamics are stong, the charactorizations feel good. Just a thought but you may want to consider having Petunia move in with them and storm away after Lily gets home.its just a thought though.
I really like the way you write Sirius in this chapter and James and Lily work very well also. Slightly awkward as they should be but shifting in promising ways.
I did notice a typo and a stylistic thing that I feel will make your writing stronger.
"They are arrogant, self absorbed and so ignorant.” ‘Toujours Pur’” Sirius scoffed “Where they get that idea from I have KNOW idea."
I capatalized the word you want to fix, I'm guessing you want "no" instead of "know". Its one of those things spell check will never catch and sometimes even causes.
I also noticed that there are times when you use and several times ina sentance when your writing might be better served by ending the sentance at the spot you would place the "And" and simply starting a new sentance. Doing so decreases run ons, conveys the exact same meaninng, and makes your writing feel more immediate. Now if you are actually showing sdialouge where someone is hesitating and mumbling using the word "And" a lot, that is a seperate case. Unless it is about the speakers style or state of mind, generally try to sty with one and per sentance.
Its an 8.5 out of ten so I rounded up and gave ya a 9 :) After all thats where it will be with a bit of editing :)Author's Response: Wow, thank you for another wonderful review! I love reading them!
I'm glad you are likeing the story and for that, of course I will forgive the pun (it was a very good pun!)
I will try and fix that typo and watch out for run on sentances - they are my enemy!
Thanks again! Especially for the 9 :) lol. Report Review
I like this chapter , its transitional but it does so smoothly, almost effortlessly. It is a chapter that keeps the reader gently immersed in storyline. From the train to an ordinary summer that goes in a totally uinexpected yet logical direction. I accept as a reader that this move could have happeend and Lily seems to be reacting logically although perhaps a bit to accepting. Although perhaps its because she doesn't really want to leave the maghical world behind for the summer yet she wants to see her family. Perhaps bring this out a bit more in her thoughts?
All in all good chapterAuthor's Response: Thank you! *huggleglomps*
I'm glad you think the transition was good, I had trouble with that, I find it hard, so thank you!
And making it believable is key for me so thanks for highlighing that! Thanks! Report Review
Okay another honest review coming up. This chapter improved on the problems of the first. The first paragraph repeats "curtains" three times in quick succession, however, which generally means you want the reader thinking about curtains. As I'm guessing that wasn't what you wanted to emphasize perhaps a change ;)
James is so cutely the flustered boy in love, I found his awkweard yet heartfelt speach in the hallway quite believeable, lily was also very well written although the running away was a bit abrupt.
You alude that full moon is close and from the previous chapter Remus is looking less then his best from it during the feast, since it is now even closer to full moon I'm a bit suprised Lily doesn't notice him looking less then ideal. He can pass it off as a late night and being tired from being a prefect half-the-morning but she should probably notice at least a little. Also if I reemmber correctly its canon that Lily and Remus are friends (possibly from both being prefects) although the hallway encounter wasn't cold it could have been warmer, still she was upset about him seemingly in the "wrong" compartment.
Good one getting the paper from James...lol. this is my last review for today, since I have to go to work but until next time.
Oh you scored 8/10 for this one :)Author's Response: Thank you again for the ggreat review! It's really helpful! Thank you so much for pointing the whole Remus thing out, it will hopefully make me more aware of him in the future, and his state in the month - lol.
The paper is my favourite bit of this chapter, thanks for mentioninng it! Report Review
Sorry, about taking awhile to get to this, part of that had to do with the begiing of the story just not grabbing me very well, and the other part had to do with me losing a disk that was critical to my own writing, I've kinda been in a non fic mood for a week or so.
Okay it took me several tries to get into this fic, but I have to say I'm glad I stuck with it. I suspect you share my weaknesss for beginings because this chapter realyl does get stronger as it goes along.
I did notice a few typos you may want to fix.
“But what is James can’t get to his wand? What if Lily manages to get away? And, I’m sorry Sirius, but when have any of your plans been ‘Fool-Proof’?”
The word "is" should be "if" in the above paragraph, its a simple typo though, the kind spell check will never catch.
I do notice that toward the beginign of your chapter the sentances are awfully long and rather passive in feel. The story might be strengthened with more showing and less telling, and perhaps some speaking.
You have some wonderful descriptive phrases and some of Lily's lines are wonderful.
Very interesting prank. Complex and yet original as far as I am aware.
For a first chaptered fic not bad, now lets see if we can get to great :)Author's Response: Oh wow! Thank you so much for the review! It was really helpful! And don't worry about the delay, your the one doing me a favour no worries at all. Sorry for my delay (I've been away, but it's lovely to come back to find lots of reviews! and lengthy ones too!).
Anyway, that was really helpful, thanks so much. And your right: I hate beginnings. I am working on all you said, because it's what I always get picked up on. Hopefully - I'm going to get there.
I think my new Year's resolution should be to check very carefully everything I put up on here lol! Thanks so much! and I'm glad you stuck with it! Report Review
One "unofficial" review as promised ;)
After reading this twice I'm still torn between likeing this and rolling my eyes. There is something almost hauntingly engaging about this story. It is short yet powerful and yet ...there is something that feels off. As mentioned, it could be that it just isn't my sort of story.
Overall I'm giving you a 7 out of 10 and have decided that you do have a gift with words and imagery.Author's Response: Thanks! A 7/10 is great! I didn't picture getting over a 4 or 5/10 :) I'm glad you were honest with you review and(not saying its bad to always get 10/10 all the time. I love them) didn't just say 'oh I loved it!' as I end up writing so much. anyway thanks! :) Report Review
I'd like you to know that this story is amazing, I've been reading it from the begining, but only got an account at harrypotterfanfiction recently. Yours was the first high quality marauders era story I found, so I guess its kinda your fault I'm now a member ;)Author's Response: Hi mischied managed,
Thank you so much, I have put so much effort into this story and hearing comment from readers like you makes it all worth it.
I hope that is a good thing that you are now a member. I would want to be the cause of you doing something bad.
But honestly that is such a high compliment. I'm absolutely speechless. I can only say thank you and I hope that you continue to stick with the story as we start to cross over into the in between years and then the actual book years finally ending with an epilogue around twenty two years after the final battle.
I hope you will enjoy the ride.
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