Hello there! JUst leaving a little review for this amazing chapter. You really shouldn't doubt yourself, I think it only becomes better and better.
If you feel stuck, try to get a new perspective on the story. Maybe you are going a little in the wrong direction? Personally I think what you've done in these seven chapters is amazing, but maybe you should get a little light into the story? Your only focus is on the Order and war, what about bringing Anna a little more into it, os let the boys loose a little more? They don't have as much fun as they did in Once Defied, and maybe that's exactly what this needs to help you?
Or maybe you should skip a little ahead in time? If you have something planned, but speed up the story to that point, so you're not stuck with a few chapters which just needs to be there to pass time… I dunno, but maybe it could help to get something more going on in your plot, so you always have a lot you could write about.
I sense from your previous AN that you're a person who really hates being off canon? I am too, and that's what I love so much about your stories! Nearly everything is fitting perfectly with canon, and I've only found a few things which didn't suit. But maybe this is holding you a little back too? Because you don't want to be wrong about things when Pottermore opens up more chapters? (Just, I have this problem - I haven't written anything for months because I'm scared I write something off canon). Anyways, I'm just suggesting here, because I really get the feeling that you're just stuck, and I really want to read more from you, and more often :D Once Defied is by far my favorite L/J story out there, and I'm getting to love this one just as much.
With that said, I just want to point out a few things I really liked in this chapter.!
The whole 'Sirius' ability to push you a little with a sharp remark' was well written. I liked this side of Sirius, and find it very fitting for him, thinking of what he has come from and who his family is.
Your overall writing! It's really amazing, and I love the way you just write. The way you form the sentences and put in a few small details, is just fantastic and gives the story a little more colour.
Lily's investigation! I see a lot of Harry in her here. It differs a little from where James finds something with the fact that she actually has nothing to go on. She is just suspicious of Lucius, and she acts from that - very much like Harry does only too many times. Sharp-minded.
The whole 'Order work is boring' part. hahaha. I bet they thought they should fight battles and go around, acting like fools all the time. But I like the fact that it's not living up to their expectations at all.
I hope you get into Remus a little more, and lets us know why exactly he's so hesitant. Also, I would love you to explore how people somewhat is drifting a bit apart, and having 'non-arguments' - I think there's a lot here.
Also, I would love to see some more light stuff. Non war stuff, and just some fun. They all need this, they're too tense...
(and I little side note: the last two sentences in last chapter: AMAZING. I was really like 'Uh! this is going to be good'. Just so you know :P )
So, all in all, I liked this chapter very much! I always do! haha. And I hope you can find some inspiration for what's coming next. I'm looking very much forward to your next chapter, no matter how long it takes or which way you're continuing this in!
Happy writing! :DAuthor's Response: HI! Oh my gosh, this review is incredible (as are all of the reviews I've received from you). It's just what I needed--thank you for giving me feedback and trying to help me point myself in the right direction. It really helps a lot. Duly noted about throwing in something more fun and light-hearted--I agree that the story's been one big ball of stress, in some ways, and it would be nice to change the tone sometimes.
I will consider what you said about jumping ahead in time, too, because you're right: if I don't have any purpose to what's coming next, it's probably better to just move past it and get to the important stuff. So, I'll have to look at my story plan, and think about that. :)
You know, the Pottermore spoiler thing does bother me a bit, but at this point, it's not bothering me so much as to put me off writing. I do think that the canon stickler side of me is relevant, though, in the sense that I feel more disorganized when I don't have as many canon cues to work with. With Once Defied, I felt like I was in much more familiar ground, because it was set in the same place that most of the HP books were set, and there was a fairly familiar cast of characters to work with. It's harder for me to work with the unknown.
I'm really happy that you liked the part about Sirius insulting James. I was worried people might have the attitude of, "Sirius would never be mean to James; they're best friends!", even though I kind of liked that part. (So clearly, I should trust myself a bit more, haha.) I don't think people can get along all the time, even best friends like James and Sirius. It kind of goes to what you mentioned about people drifting apart a bit more, which I think is inevitable...and I do want to get into that more as time passes.
One part that I am confident of, and am glad you're also liking, is their disappointment with the Order. James & co. probably did think that was what the Order was going to be like, but alas, reality often turns out to be a much harsher mistress. That's not to say that they'll always feel this way, of course--but that's for another day. ;)
I definitely do plan on continuing with Remus' story line--that's one of the few things I know for sure right now, haha. (Okay, that's an exaggeration--I know what I want to do, it just usually proves harder to get it written down in a way I like.)
And finally--AAHH, I'm so glad you liked the last lines of the last chapter. I just get that FEELING when I read them in my mind, you know? I'm so glad they struck a chord with you, too. :D
Thank you again--really, so much. I feel encouraged, and have a better idea of what I'm doing well, and what I could change a bit with the story, and that is so valuable to me right now. Report Review
I really think this is a good story with a strong plot. You're a very good writer and I've enjoyed the story very much so far.
A few things I'd watch out for: Try not to generalise the Slytherins. I know se get some horrible pictures from the book with Malfoy and his gang, but they're not all bad. This "...who happened to be in Slytherin as well, because all the evil ones were" isn't entirely correct (think Peter Pettigrew), and also, it sounds a little... I dunno. It's a cheap shot, if you know what I mean?
Also, I do like James very much already, but are you trying to make it like Lily/James with the whole asking out bit, because it sounds like it. Just keep your eye out for not making it too much like it. But I do think you described James' feelings pretty well; they were very believable, not too girly and all.
I think it's very nice to see that even though many years has passed, there are still trouble with the whole Mudblood thing. It's like Voldemort did leave a little of his reign back for people to continue it. And it's nice to see that not everything fixes over 25 or so years.
On Calla. I really like her. She doesn't seem like much of a pushover or a tomboy (which many OCs are), so already now you've made a different character who is much believable. Though, please explain to me, why, when she is not fond of the attention, would she then always come back to school with a different hair colour? It seems like the two things contradict each other.
Head Dorms seems a little cliche, but you've saved it pretty nicely with the fact that it's in the Gryffindor Dorm and it's not for sharing. I still don't believe in it, but I'll accept it :P
Oh wow. Pecry II much, huh? He really does need to get a life. But I do like that it's someone like him being the HB instead of some James I type or someone who's always coming on to our main character. Like it!
Please kick Karen Ambs in the face. She deserves it.
Overall a very good story so far. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! Even the criticisms ;) For the Slyhterins, I'm making some of them nice, you'll find out about them later. I do understand where you're coming from though. With the Lily/James aspect, the story is sort of history repeating itself except with a couple twists, although I think I'm adding some things later on that will change it a bit. Yes, maybe the Head Dorms are a little cliche, but I don't know, I felt like they should get special treatment, just a bit. And we'll never really know because JKR never wrote the trio in 7th year, but there are some reasons why Calla needs her own room.
Karen Ambs will get her comeuppance, don't worry. And yes, Smith is based a bit off Percy, but I'll let you know, he doesn't ever realize he's a prat, haha. I'm very glad that you liked Calla! On the attention thing, she spent her whole childhood and everytime she went home for the summer, Christmas, and Easter having to hide her metamorphic abilities, but when she's at school she can show them off. The stares about her hair she's sort of learned to deal with and knows she has to put up with them if she wants those nine months of freedom at Hogwarts, but any other kind of attention, she hates. Especially gossip ;)
Well I think I've left a long enough answer to your wonderfully long review.
~cb Report Review
Wow. Just want to say I absolutely loved this!
Huge L/J shipper here, but this piece was so well done, and... well, I didn't mind it one bit. Also, the fact that you had two major things in this, making it not really about the pairing, but about Sirius and his departure, it kind of made it more 'acceptable' in lack of better words. Because it was just a thing happening, and that's it, nothing more to that. Very good.
A few 'mistakes' you made. In the very beginning, James is sloshing around a glass with firewhiskey. Two sentences later, it's rum. Just noticing. Also, if the guys are 16, then how come they apparat away from there?
The guys' way of talking is just perfect. It's not overdone, close to a bromance, as many does it, but a perfect friendship between them. I especially liked Sirius' comment about Bellatrix :P Also, their characters, as you portraited them, was perfect. Sirius and his reactions to his mother, James and his help to Sirius and his whole way of just being... Spot on.
Aww, and Sirius can be nice to houseelves, giving them pats on their heads - I liked that!
Wow, that was probably the world's best reaction to be seduced, it made me both cringe my toes, laugh and gasp. It had all these very different elements put together so perfectly. The little mention of Lily here was perfect, not overdone.
Your eye for detail is very good. You put in all these small things once in a while, not overdoing it and not getting into long rambles of a simple things. It keeps the reader there, attentive.
All in all, this was a really good one-shot. The only James/Narcissa I've ever read, but way better than many L/J I've read.Author's Response: I'm also a huge L/J shipper (it's my favourite pairing of all), so this was interesting for me to write. I'm glad you enjoyed it, despite the couple of mistakes you found... I can't believe I didn't pick up on the fact that they shouldn't be able to apparate if they're 16. Yikes! Thanks for the lovely review and I'm sorry that it took me so long to reply. =) Report Review
I really loved this. It's interesting and funny reading. Some of the things you use are a little overused in next-gens but you make perfectly up for it with a few other things which I love.
I think my favourite part was when Stella started writing a letter to James. That one had me laughing. - as with every time she 'writes a letter' - the one to her brain in an earlier chapter too.
One thing. In the first chapter you wrote that Albus was made prefect from their year, but he's in Slytherin, right? and the others (except Scorpius) are in Gryffindor, and there're two prefects from each year. Actually, until this chapter, I thought Albus was in Gryffindor.
Oh, please don't make her go back to the team. James has to feel what it's like to not have people just doing what he wants them too. He better start begging her! I know, I know. Game of power, and the one to first apologise or whatever actually is the most grown-up and the winner, but don't let her back down! :P
I think the reason I like Stella so much is because she's funny, but now overly crazy as people often tend to make their characters. If you know what I mean? It's like you've found the golden middleway. Congrats on that.
I like Ray too, but damn, she seems like such a... okay, mean person. Not mean, just. Very independent.
I really like this story. Keep up the good work :)Author's Response: Glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, i decided to put Albus in Slytherin, to change it up a bit! But he's still really close to stella and rose :) and don't worry, stella won't be going back for a while, at least until james accepts how mean he is to stella. Don't worry! I won't let her back down!
glad you think thats she's not crazy, it's always difficult to know whether i'm crossing the line with that. maybe its because stella is nuttier and more impulsive than i could ever be!
Haha I like your description of Ray, very independent, i agree! There will be more revelations about her later on, we'll understand how she got to be so cut off, and cold.
anyway thanks for the review! x
Hello! I'm glad to see you back! Vicki here, from the VTM forums, if you remember me... Definitely one of your oldest fans, huh? :P And I still do like your work. Very much.
But I completely get your feeling about not finding the time for writing anymore, or inspiration. It just doesn't come as easy as it used to. But really, it's all about writing when you can, not because you have to, and updates might not come as often, but please don't abandon this completely, because it's nice to have something to turn to once in a while.
Anyways, sorry for going all cheesy and stuff on you. About this story. I really like it, and let's face it, which story isn't overwritten and done by now? But I like your style and somehow you've always managed to make me love your stories, no matter which storyline you use.
So yeah, this is no exception, and I was really happy to see you have updated. I just have to re-read the first chapters, just to get everything.
I like your characterisation. Especially of Sirius, it's so different, and refreshing. And Leah is... well, I like the way she goes all stubborn, and doesn't care that Sirius gets annoyed. And at the same time she's like all those other girls, who thinks they can make him change, care. But if she's stubborn enough, I think she can succeed :D
The conversation between Leah and Sirius was very... it was drawing me in. I think think they have chemistry, but they just have to realise it. And I think you could write something amazing with them, because I get a feeling their conversations (when they have them) would be interesting and... just, sorry, I can't find the right words right now. But intriguing, kind of. They could learn a lot from each other, and could really give each other something to think about. Which we've already seen. They are both interesting. Have I made my point? Haha.
One thing, which annoyed me; Trelawney was not a professor at Hogwarts at this time. She was not hired before the Marauders and co had left Hogwarts, after the prophecy. Anyways, I'm just being picky now.
Okay, on Random Things I Like: James' introduction. The fact that all girls already know the answer as if he talks or not. Sirius' silence. Leah's whole attitude.
But I think the thing I love the most about this story is the absurdity of the situation is what really can keep the reader here. It's just... well, lovely. To date someone you don't really want to, just to make him show an emotion. Well, it's... I love it, truth be told.
I love your characters. It's refreshing. And even though you say there's no characterisation, I think you're wrong. It's just not overdone, and that's nice to see. People often tend to overdo their characters in the attempt to not make them Mary Sue or Gary Stu, and the style in which you write your characters here, it's very... well, Danish! Haha, sorry, you probably don't know what I'm talking about, but in Denmark we often understate or downplay our characters, and I think it's a little the same as to what you're doing. It's very different to the typical American way of making characters, and I can only say I love it.
I truly hope you plan on writing more, because I love this story, and I love the concept. It's different! - I love that word! And take your time, it doesn't matter it takes a little longer, as long as you just write as well as you do now.
Hopefully happy writing! :)Author's Response: Of course I remember. =] Except, shoot, you didn't go by Vicki on the forums did you? Your username over there is eluding me. =[ Haha, it's funny because I remember your work and all that, just not the name...yet.
Thank you for the encouragement. I swear, this batch of reviews has been some of the nicest stuff I have ever seen - or maybe I'm forgetting. I definitely write when I can. I wouldn't want to overly rush things and turn out a crappy chapter, which I'm a little afraid is what happened with this last one, but if you guys all like it then I'll deal. =]
I'm pleased that you like the story. The thing about characterization, though, is that I want there to be a reason for Leah's behavior. Sirius has one for his - but I still want there to be more. So that's what I'm working on. I'm glad you're seeing the duality in Leah, though. I think she's like most girls - trying to be different but really wanting the same thing as everyone else - and I think that is important. That's interesting about it being "Danish." I've never studied literature in the context of examining styles by region. Now that I think about it, I bet that would be fascinating. Man, that is really cool - that idea of downplaying characters. :D Sorry, stylistic stuff like that always makes me giddy. It's super interesting.
I'm glad you see chemistry! I'm sure their conversations COULD be interesting. That's another thing I hope to develop. And yes, they both have a lot to learn. Leah's not necessarily as tactful as you'd hope. =]
I'm so embarrassed by that Trelwaney mess-up. I'm not used to making Harry Potter errors - and that's a big one. It will be purged. Haha. Thanks for letting me know.
And a big thanks for the review. The long, in-depth ones are always such a pleasure to read.
Anyway, I wish you luck with any writing and school you are currently working on. Thanks for taking the time to formulate such a lengthy review. =]
Layla Report Review
Oh, I love this start. First, you get us worried that something is happening, but really, it's just the guys playing around. I don't know, but it seems a perfect place to start. Lighthearted after the dark start, but also, with a quick reminder, Dumbledore's protective barrier.
Why do I feel I've there's a little bit of Harry in James here (or the other way around)? The whole avoiding thing with Dumbledore, just like Harry in fifth year. It's a little funny, truth be told :P Also, the whole girl thing. Typical Potter men I guess :D
Ha, the part with Sirius and the Telephone was amazing! I guess it could have been the company if you're not from that part of the world :D
One thing. It's not a biggie, but something I found. In the summer, it's not nearly dark at nine o'clock. In fact, it's first really dark at around twelve, I think. Well at least, not at nine, because at that time I go home from work, and it's not nearly dark :P just letting you know.
Ohh, Lily's really scared. :( I feel so sorry for her. Just the fact that she was afraid of the window. Hm, there was something about that part that made me go, "Wow". It's... well, I can't really explain it, but it was very good, and in a way realistic. Suddenly being afraid of windows. She's gonna need someone to help her through this. James, hopefully :D
And her mum wouldn't let her in... Of course, she wouldn't. She had strict orders, and if Lily hadn't told her about James. It's just hillarious.
But now I think you're mean, leaving us here. I understand that Lily is happy to see James (why wouldn't she?), but they still have to talk about it. The whole thing, have it fixed. I gusss that comes soon enough?
Unfortunately I have to agree with you. Something about the second part just didn't... Well, the start of it was perfect. But after Petunia left... Also, why would she want to move to London with Lily? That seemed strange. Hm. But I liked the part where Lily sat at the swing, she needed that. But, hm, just the whole Petunia thing, something about it seemed off... Sorry, I can't be to anymore help :/
Anyways. Amazing chapter. I really loved it, especially the first part. I always love some Marauder time, and you did an amazing job here. Can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: I have to admit, I was definitely trying to be super-sneaky and fool people with that beginning. :P I seem to have a bit of a habit of doing that, because I've just now realized that I did something similar at the start of Once Defied, as well. I guess I like to throw people off!
Yep, definitely a bit of Harry showing in James (or James showing in Harry--?) in this chapter. I like to tie Harry to James and Lily at different points, because we never really DID get to see many of the traits he inherited from his parents. The eyes and the kindness from Lily, the Quidditch, hair, glasses, height, and recklessness from James--but that's about as far as it goes. And really, if you think about it, Harry's character is a bit of a goldmine for anyone looking to write about James and Lily--one that I feel like people often overlook.
I had a hard time communicating Lily's feelings in this chapter. I wanted to get across the gravity of how she was feeling--and sometimes, I think that can be expressed in kind of unexpected ways, like with the window. I'm glad that struck a chord for you.
I completely understand what you mean about the second part getting a bit muddled in the Petunia section. I moved that part around a few times in crafting this chapter, which is probably why it seems off. :/ I probably could have included that plot point (her moving to London with Lily) in a better way, now that I think about it after the fact...but, of course, it's after the fact, which does me little help. :P Oh well! I'll see if maybe I can spruce up that section; sometimes it just takes a while away from the chapter to be able to look at it objectively again.
Also, what you say about it being dark makes complete sense. :P It doesn't even get dark here at that time of summer until like 10 p.m. All I can plead there is that the winter nights here are extremely long, and I suppose I forgot how much more sunlight there is in the summer--and, also, not living in England brings forth its disadvantages here. Thank you for the tip, and I will be sure to go back and edit that once I finish this darn third chapter!
I'm glad you still loved the chapter! As I said, I'm still working on this next chapter--I've come to this horrible block with it, and I'm struggling every day to continue with it as best I can. I hope that it will be up no later than the end of this weekend, which is later than I intended, but hopefully not completely awful of me. :)
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Ahh! Scream! Sequel!
I don't really have much to say, except that I absolutely loved it. Plus, I really want to get on to the next chapter :D
I was a little scared when I saw it was from Snape's POV, but I did like it. I think it was a very... um, interesting place to start, and to see Snape in this situation. That was great! I was think "oh, how is he going to handle this?", because we always see Snape as one in control, as one of Voldemort's closest persons, and here, he's new and a bit nervous. Not a Snape we see often. But I loved it very much!
Also, the part with his father. Great. I loved it. I've always wanted to see it written, but seeing as I don't really read a lot of Snape stories, I don't. Plus, it can get too much. But I liked it here. Especially, his change when it came to magic and the wand. Loved it.
And your attention to details never leaves me disappointed. I loved the way you described the silence, because when it's there, every small sound is so annoying, and it is here as well.
This story looks, from here, to be a little darker than the first one. Which of course it also should. Time passes and the war grows stronger. I'm not really sure how long time after school ends this starts, but I'm guessing, not long. But it seems a lot of changes has already happened. Or, it was there in the first one, but you simply focused on Lily and James, and now, you bring a little more darkness into it. Okay, I'm rambling now. Stop. - But I like it! haha.
Anyways. Sorry for this short, crappy review, but I really want to read the next chapter. I loved this start. It was different for a L/J story, but amazing. As always.Author's Response: Hahaha, what a way to start a review! Hi, Vicki! I'm so glad to see you back. :) I really apologize for how long it took me to get to replying, as well--I've been trying to concentrate as much of my energy as possible on completing the next chapter, and unfortunately, that led me to leave reviews by the wayside.
You know, I was scared when I decided to WRITE this from Snape's POV, so you're not alone there. :P I'm glad you loved it. He's a difficult character to get into, especially considering that he's a teenager here, and, as you said, therefore had to be more vulnerable. It was tough to get the balance.
The part with his father was interesting, as well. I'm glad it wasn't "too much", because I'm always wary of getting melodramatic. I felt that including something about his father was important to show his motivation. In fact, starting off the story this way was intended mostly to explain why Snape chose to join the Death Eaters. I can't for the life of me comprehend why Snape hated Muggle-borns so much when the woman he loved was one. So I wanted to offer an explanation of why that contradiction could exist--and to me, his father would have played a key role in increasing his disdain for Muggles and Muggle-borns.
Oh, I'm so pleased you liked the description of the sound. :) One of the many wonderful things about being on this site is reading other stories and learning from some truly incredible authors--and one thing I've especially taken away is trying to create much fuller descriptions that encompass more than just your sense of sight. It always strikes me in stories when someone describes sound, and so that was me trying to branch out. Which, of course, makes me especially thrilled to hear that you thought I did it well!
The story picks up fairly soon after where the last one ended (as you saw in the next chapter, of course), but despite the short elapse in time, a lot of things have changed. I think what Lily and James went through at the end of that story would have irrevocably changed their lives, and definitely drawn them into more darkness--it's very encouraging for me to hear that it seems darker so far. :) Of course, there will be lighter moments, as well, but on the whole, things have changed for this gang of characters.
This was most definitely not a crappy review, and I loved reading it. :) Thank you so, so much for being such a faithful reader and encouraging reviewer! Report Review
Okay, first of all, sorry. I got home as planned, but haven't been able to find the time to review any of your chapters. But here I am! This last chapter definitelly deserved one!
I don't know if it warms a little bit, but somehow I'm glad to see this little glitch between Lily and James. Not that I want them to split up or anything, but it's nice to see that no better than any other couple. And I don't know why, but I think it's a perfect time to end this, right in the middle of everything, yet I feel that when they wake up again, nothing will ever be the same again.
And in a way I understand Lily... Well, not entirely, but we always see people go like "don't do it, James!" or something, and it was nice to see this change, to see how panic can suddenly strike and how ashamed and surprised we can feel afterwards. Of course we don't doubt that Lily loves James, but she was just overcome, and the fact that she followed him shows that she obviously care.
Anyways, so this chapter. I'm actually a little surprised that you could make it that long. Except for the conversation with Dumbledore and Dearborn, there wasn't much. Though I found the part where they got to the hospital wing the most exciting. I always love hearing a little background story, like James' quidditch accidents and of course his history with Snape.
I'm a little in doubt about Dumbledore. Didn't he really not want Lily and James to be a part of this or would he just test to see how much they cared about this and if they would be willing to fight for it?
So as this is the last chapter, I want to say something about the story in general.
First, well, I had thought that since it was called Once Defied, that you would make them kind of face Voldemort, seeing that they defiend him three times, and I think I remember you telling me you were concidering writing three? Mayeb that's just me reading too much into it :P
I think you've evolved James and Lily's relationship in a nice pace, fitting, with glitches and fallouts throughout it. All fitting and perfect. Carefully, testing slowly. And especially these last chapters have their relationship been tested. I love it.
The relationship between the other guys and Lily was nice. It's good to see that she doesn't quite get them in the beginning, and of course it shouldn't be like that. They weren't best friends before, why should they be as soon as James and Lily got together? Also, I especially love how Lily's not-so-close friends didn't get along with them (Sirius) either.
I liked the way you throughout the whole story made sure of getting both Lily and James' side of the story. Even though I wasn't a fan in the beginning, I really got to love it. It gives the reader a much better look at what's going on behind the faces, and how easily people can misunderstand each other. How they would have wanted something different out of different situations - or the same.
As for Lily's friends. I dont remember if I told you, but I truly liked that she hadn't that close friends. And even though they definitelly were friends, the friendships weren't good enough to last when it came to a little bump in the road. I liked them, don't get me wrong, but it was different and I liked that.
Okay, so what I would like to see in the sequel. I'd love to see Mary again. Not at once, but at some point I would love to see how she's doing and even better, maybe have her run into Lily. Surely after a few months of cooling off, they could talk again, like adults, and Mary would realise she's been unfair. Also, if they ever were to see each other again (and be a little less hot headed), I think Anna and Sirius could be friends - because I really think they could! Those were just the once I remember having the most problems with getting along.
Also, clearly, James and Lily needs to talk this out. And there's nothing like a little bump in the road when it comes to love :P Also, maybe some development in their relationship.
And James' father. Another unfinished affair. And some people have to kick the bucket of course, Harry never had grandparents so it's bound to come sooner or later, right? Or just some people they know a little, it is war after all.
So yeah. That's it. I have nothing more to say. I'm really looking forward to your sequel, but do relax first. I'm very impressed that you finished this story in one year, some people go dead halfway through, and it was fantastic to find a story that was updated as often as yours.
It was a delight to read it, and I'm sure you'll do even better with the sequel if that's even possible!
Bye for now.Author's Response: Vicki! I'm so glad to hear from you again! :) I hope your trip went really well, and don't worry about not finding the time to review until now.
I'm happy to hear that you liked the bit of rockiness that Lily and James had in the last few chapters. I felt like we see these kinds of traumatic events end up with grand declarations of self-sacrifice and reaffirmation of deep love--but I think that the whole experience that Lily and James went through in the previous chapter could also have the complete opposite effect. Not that I've ever been in a situation like this before, but I would imagine that people don't always act selflessly and rationally when they're in danger like that, and I think you would end up seeing another side of the person you were with. I'm glad you could see why I chose to make Lily act that way, and that you thought it was a good place to end it with some of these things up in the air.
I was also surprised that this chapter ended up being long! I really thought it was going to be 2000 words at most, but then there was quite a bit to explain in Dumbledore's office, and the part in the Hospital Wing was something I felt was necessary to kind of settle the story before I ended it. I'm really thrilled to hear that you liked all of James' thoughts as he was lying in the Hostpial Wing--I was worried that people would get bored and kind of just skim to the end!
As for your doubt about Dumbledore--I'm not completely clear on whether you're wondering whether his reluctance was believably written, or whether you're wondering if his reluctance was actually sincere. If it's the former, I'll admit that there were points in writing that conversation that I felt like I wasn't getting across what I was trying to--but I do believe that Dumbledore was uncertain about allowing two young people to join, and the fact that it went so horribly wrong just reminded him of it. If it's the latter, that's something I'll leave up to you to decide. ;)
Yep, you were absolutely right about the title! I think you were the first person who mentioned that you might know why I had called it what I did--you weren't reading too much into it. And, yes, there will be multiple sequels. I intend to write four stories in total. :)
Since I'm under a limit here, I do just want to say that I'm so glad that you enjoyed all those things about the story. I'm especially glad you hear that you grew to enjoy and see the value in the POV changes.
As for all the things you want to see in the sequels: most of those things will certainly be happening. Mary will appear again eventually, and I expect she'll come up as a topic even more often than she's physically in the story. James and Lily will have to deal with what's happened, of course, and it will definitely have an effect on their relationship. James' father--well, yes, you're right that Harry doesn't end up with grandparents, so he has to go at some point, and so does James' mother, and Lily's mother, and Lily's father. And with them being in the Order, they'll definitely be facing more death than before. As for Anna and Sirius--I'm not completely sure and this point whether I'll have them interacting more and getting along or not. It's something I think I'm going to have to figure out as I continue writing. :) Thank you for all those suggestions! Knowing what you're interesting in reading more about is great as I go into thinking about what's going to happen in between the big plot points I already know about!
I will take a bit of time to relax first--though I am actually excited to start writing, as I know what I want to have happen in the first few chapters of the sequel.
I just want to say: thank you so much for all of the incredibly long and detailed reviews you've left me. I loved reading and responding to them so much, and I can't wait to hear more from you again. :) Report Review
Okay, first off. Sorry for not leaving you one single review for any of your latest chapters. But I've been burried in work and christmas stuff and haven't really had the time. Plus, now I've started packing for my 3-months trip to Costa Rica, so I only have little time.
But I love it. I love the whole development Lily and James have gone through, and especially their relationship which progressed nicely, in a perfect pace, also when it came to the point of it all. I liked the tension, which you always seem to hit spot on, and as it grew between Lily and James I really felt it - as in the many chapters before it. It was time for them to get together.
Though I do think this chapter was a little... I don't know, something just didn't feel right about it. I can't really put my finger on it, but as you say, it's just to create something between the previous and the next chapter.
I really had hoped there would be some girly scenes in this. No matter how unsurprising it was to Anna and Mary, I would have liked there to be a little fuss about it, just like Lily wished. Just a little talk, or a glance and a teasing comment from Anna or whatever.
I miss a little Mary-Remus here. I want to know what has happened between those two. And about Mary. Nice to see her finally standing up. Well placed here.
One thing I do love very much is the way James' and Lily's friends just don't get along. We've all read those where they magically get a long or really hate each other. But here's it's just some awkward thing and a little dislike. It's nice to see something liek this, you know? one's boyfriend/girlfriend's friends don't always get along with one's, and you've written that. Oh, it took me long to explain something so simple, hopefully you got that :P
I can't help but think the Marauder's plan will once again fail. Maybe in an even worse way than before.
One little thing. In my opinion the whole ´what's-the-deal-with-your-nicknames?'-part didn't feel quite right. Strange Lily couldn't remember them, seeing as they haven't been holding back on them (of what we've seen). And I just... well, I haven't seen this scene written properly. Ever. Sorry. But the conversation after she had asked seemed fine and it pulled it a little up. But I just don't believe that this one can be written so it doesn't come off as awkward and wrong. My opinion.
Anyways. Wonderful chapters 19-22. This one, not my favourite. But still, way better than a lot of other things I've read.
Great! Hopefully you'll just have a chapter up before I leave :P crosses fingers. If not I'll read the rest when I get back :)Author's Response: Hey Vicki! I'm so glad to hear from you again! Don't worry at all about missing out on reviewing some of the chapters. Life just gets busy sometimes. :)
It makes me so, so happy to hear that you like the way the relationship has grown between Lily & James. I really wanted it to be gradual and for the actual relationship to begin at the right time, and in a believable way. It's great to know that I managed to portray it that way.
I'm glad you like the way their friends don't really get along, too. I just really can't imagine James' friends being too welcoming of any other people, to be honest, and I'm sure those other people would find the insularity (can't believe that's actually a word) of them to be a bit off-putting, as well.
I think you might get a little more of the girly stuff in future chapters, or at least an explanation of why it wasn't there. The same goes for the whole Mary and Remus situation, as well. Also, you'll see whether the boys' plan fails or not.
There's me being cryptic. :P Now on to your criticisms. Yes, this chapter was not the greatest, though I'm glad you still thought it was somewhat good. Like you said, I really did need something to fill the space between the last chapter and the rest of the story. It would have been strange to just jump straight into the next chapter, believe me. :P I understand your uncertainty about the chapter though, and it's not really something I can put my finger on either. Hopefully the rest will be much better!
And as for the nicknames thing, I think I'm going to have to go back and look at the conversations where Lily was around when the boys were talking, because I thought I was being very careful about having them not use the nicknames when she was around, except for the few slips. Of course, I could have completely messed up on that and had them throwing nicknames around left and right. It is a strange conversation to write though, so I can understand why you feel like it never gets written properly. I was having some trouble with it myself, so I'm glad the part after it made it better. Next time I write something relating to this, I'm sure I'll remember your review and I'll have to try and impress you. :P Though of course I won't blame you if you still find it awkward and wrong.
And a three-month trip to Costa Rica? Wow! That's awesome. I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, and hopefully you won't have already left. Good luck if I don't hear from you again, though! I'm sure you'll have an amazing time.
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Wonderful chapter... once again. You keep impressing me with everything you write. It's just great.
I suddenly get the title. I think :P I'll just have to wait and see if I'm right.
That start is so powerful. Especially here; "So he settled for carefully folding up the Invisibility Cloak, something he had never bothered with before." Just wow. There really is something in this sentence and what's before it, but this really underlines it. Very, very strong.
Overall a very powerful chapter.
I love the connection between James and Lily. It's so natural and you've built it up perfectly, developing it in the right pace. And now with all this... feeling. I don't know how to explain, but I htink you get it. Tension, one might say.
I was actually thinking that the part before they went to dumbledore was a tiny bit rushed. I just needed a little... something.
And Dumbledore. I really get a feeling there's something wrong and he can't do anything about it. His coment to James about leaving them alone was spot on, and so fitting. It... well, it really made me think 'Oh, Harry actually had parents who Dumbledore knew and this is them'. I know it sounds strange, but I can't realyl describe the feeling any better. Point is, you wrote him well, perfectly, a thing not often seen. Congrats on that!
I really think James should have said something to Lily about Snape. I just feel that Snape and their feelings about him is in the way for their relationship to really grow. They might like each other, but this block will always be there until they settle this. Well, I feel so at least :P
And I'm glad you didn't make James kiss her. It didn't seem at all like the right moment to me. It'll come, but I want Lily to speak what's on her heart. Or at least some of it.
I think one thing I haven't commented on is the friendship between the girls. It just seems so real, and there's several things that makes it so. First off, Anna and Mary actually seem real. Second, Lily's feelings about growing apart from them, and feeling that they actualy have more of a friendship than she has with them. Thirdly, their fighting. It's not something major, but there's a little as there is in most friendships. It's a nice change. Also, you don't overdo the girl talking and giggling :P
I think, once when I get the time, I might go back to re-read this. I think this is a story that can also be enjoyed a second time. And this really is, in my opinion, the best L/J story out there. Truthfully.
Fantastic chapter. I can't really say with words just how much I enjoy reading this story. It's just great.Author's Response: Hi again, Vicki!
I think you're probably right in whatever you're assuming about the title of the story. :) I don't think that's much of a giveaway, though, so you'll still have to wait and see how it all unfolds!
I'm so glad you liked that line about folding the Invisibility Cloak--I feel like it conjures up a better mental image of the scene that just saying that there was an awkward silence, or something like that. And I'm really happy that you liked the chapter as a whole, especially regard James and Lily's interactions. I'm always hoping that I'm keeping them in-character and developing their relationship in the right way, so it's really nice to get compliments on those things.
I think you're right about it being rushed--I felt it too. The only excuse I can make that's somewhat plausible is that it's just in James' personality to end it that way. I think he really didn't know what to say and wanted to move the situation forward to dispel some of the awkwardness. But it's helpful that you pointed this out, because I think my next chapter might take some editing for sort of the same reason.
I think I probably wrote Dumbledore well because he had such a short part, haha. It's really nice to hear that you found him believable, though! We'll see how it goes when I have to include him in a chapter more one day...
Oh, and I completely know what you mean with the connection between Harry, Dumbledore, and James and Lily. It's something that kind of strikes me at times when I'm writing, too. It's like Dumbledore's linking the generations together, in a weird way.
As for Snape...I doubt this is the last time he'll be the subject of some frustration. I can't see them ever fully agreeing about him. But every relationship has points of contention, so I don't think it'll hinder them too horribly. :)
And yes, contrary to the title of the chapter, this was not "the right moment" for it to happen. But it's yet another thing that's pushing them towards that moment, which is something, at least.
The whole subject of Lily and her friends is one that kind of intrigues me. Disregarding the way that I (or anyone else) have written it, I think that Lily must have spent years in a sort of half-friendship with both Snape and her other friends. And then there's the whole interesting dynamic of Mary being attacked (in whatever way she was) by Mulciber, who was obviously a friend of Snape--and the fact that it obviously happened before Lily stopped being friends with Snape at the end of fifth year. I think the whole situation must have caused some tension that's always lingering under the surface, which of course feeds into Lily's perception that she's sort of the odd-person-out.
And that's so nice that a) you think this is good enough to re-read, and b) you think it's the best Lily/James story out there! I'm sure there are some that would blow mine out of the water but it's such a nice compliment regardless.
Thank you so much for another amazing review! Report Review
Beautiful chapter. This might just be the one I like the second most (the first being the one with the inferi). There're just so many things in it.
I really like your start. It's a nice way to start this chapter up, telling a little of what has happened. I especially liked the Sirius part and being kicked off as commentary. Though I wished you'd maybe have mentioned something of the poison.
The match. Once again you pull it through with perfection. No comments there, really.
I wish the lion hadn't roared. What would Lily say? :P But that little gesture, the hand on the shoulder, well there's just so much in it. With this, and a whole bunch of other little things, you really create this... well, you know that feeling of someone having a crush on each other? That exciting period before they get together. You really create that till perfection.
Oh, and while I remember it. Please kill of Ursula. She's so annoying. Oh maybe not kill her off, but at least harm her a little more. Please? :P
I liked James' comment, “It’s very rude to stare,”. Somehow that made me laugh. But I understand Lily is surprised and staring.
The whole invisibility cloak was so intense and well written. I was afraid for a second that Lily would reveal herself, but I'm glad she didn't. This was so much better. I have a fear of confrontations with Slytherins, they aren't always well written. Though I don't doubt you'd have done it amazingly if Lily had revealed herself.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter. It was an intense ending, and I really want to see what they say. It's such an important thing to me, and it's... in a way, exciting. They just connect. And Lily is feeling so... I don't even have a word for it. But it's a very emotional part, and I want to see how she handles this, and how James does. We don't know what he's thinking, and I really would like to know what's going on in his head.
More James/ Lily-Time! Please? Haha, I like those small scenes. They're sooo intense.
I find it amazing that you can keep this up. The story that is. Every chapter is so perfect and you amaze me every time with each new chapter. I'm just really impressed. And your story hasn't even seemed boring once even though we're 17 chapters into it.
Oh, and how many chapters do you think there'll be? And have you ever thought of writing more stories? I can't get enough :D haha.
I haven't really much more to say. Fantastic as always. Amazing chapter. Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Hey Vicki! Thanks for stopping by to review again. :)
Wow, I'm really glad you liked this chapter so much! I think maybe you're right, it would have been good to slide something about the poisonings in during the Quidditch game, but maybe...everyone was so excited it wasn't on their minds? Haha. But I'm glad you thought the Quidditch match was good. And I laughed out loud when you said "Please kill off Ursula". Hahaha.
What would Lily have said? I'll leave that one up to your imagination. :) But it was obviously something she found embarrassing, so that narrows the field at least a little bit.
And oh, I'm SO unbelievably thrilled at this: "you really create this... well, you know that feeling of someone having a crush on each other?" I try so hard to do that and I never feel like it's working! Thank you so much for saying that, I can't even tell you how good it makes me feel!
I know what you mean about confrontations with Slytherins--often they get a little over-the-top and super-angsty, so I'm really happy you thought this was good. I do hope you like how I wrap it all up in the next chapter...it is definitely a bit intense, but hopefully I've managed to stay true to their characters in what I've written up.
I'm a little amazed that you haven't found any of this story boring! Another one of my reviewers said the same thing and it's such a wonderful compliment.
As for the number of chapters...I'm pretty sure it's going to be between 25 and 30. I think it might extend a little after they're done with school, so maybe closer to 30. But don't quote me on that! :P I think you're the first person who's asked about more stories. Maybe the title gives it away but this is definitely the first of probably four stories...or that's my plan, at least! I have a few other ideas (non-Marauder stuff) that I'd really love to write one day too, but we'll see what happens.
Thank you so much for another incredible review! I really love to hear your thoughts on the chapters. :) Report Review
I was actually a little sad to read this chapter because now I can't click >> anymore :( I just wants to read more of this fantastic story.
I really like the way you write the threads of Voldemort in this. I know I've said it before, but there's just a perfect amount of it. Not too much, not too little. Just perfect, and you demonstrate this very well in chapter 14.
And oh, James really show that he can be head boy! This was a perfect scene for them to.. what to say?... reunite after the holliday. In a way :P
I just don't understand why Lily is so embarresed about being friend with James again. Or the whole cake eating deal? She could have saved a lot of troubles with Anna is she just said what she had been doing, or at least said something. They would have forgiven her I'm sure. After all it's James. And as Lily says, Anna did not want to apologize, and now I get a feeling there's some tensions between them.
Another great Head Duty thing. Of course they'll get things to know before others. I completely understand Lily can't help but wonder about the protections.
Ursula is so childish! Urgh, just because he wasn't in a great mood. It's not like he dumped her after a kiss or anything. There weren't even anything!
I love, love, love this line; “Yeah, she’s sitting on that pedestal you put her on years ago,” Sirius said, smirking. “Hasn’t moved since, actually.” Made me laugh.
Absolutely loved that scene in general. Sirius was right, Head Boys have been totured in the past, the seventh needs a little something too :D Wonderful scene.
There's actually yet another thing I haven'g given you credit for, but that might be because I haven't given it a lot of thought. Usually I hate it very much when POV is changed, but it just fit here. It seems naturally and... well, great here also.
And James get an idea through too. Through chapters 14 and 15 we can really see that he in a way cares very much for this position and takes it very seriously, yet still have time for pranking and having fun.
I love the whole idea James got with the cake. This could easily have failed, but once again, you succeeds and make a... an overused idea so much better than I have ever seen you before. And that's what I really love about your story. You takes used and overused scenes and make them seem new, better and well written. If one told me about the elements of this story, I rpobably wouldn't have given it much of a chance, but you really save it with the way you sort it out and write them. Fantastic.
In a way, that really is an awkward parting after the cake-part. A hug, but I got a feeling they both think they've come to that place.
Once again, you give Remus more depth and makes me sympathize with him. He just wants to be loved for him. And I understand he would feel a little like that, but truthfully, they just wants to be his friends.
Your Peter. Loves him more and more. I'm really glad you've made him a real part of the Marauders.
I'm not exactly sure where you're going with this love potion thingy? It seems a strange thing to put into this story, but I'm sure you'll be able to come up with some perfect ending to it.
In a way I'm glad they excluded Regulus and Severus. It would have been like Lily to tattle on them anyways. Always protect the ones you care about... or the ones of ones you care about :P
And congratulations of making my very short list of Favourite Authors. I really didn't want anyone with only one story on it (because it might not reflect much of what the author can do), but you really seem talented, and I do love your writing style very much. - My way of writing a very huge compliment.
Oh, and for the record, please call me Vicki. Groundswell makes it sound so impersonal :P
Anyways... I'm actually in a bit of a hurry, so I just want to end up saying I've truly loved the chapters so far. I hope you'll update soon. I just can't wait!Author's Response: Thanks for another incredible review, Vicki! Now, where to begin...
I'm glad the pedestal line and the scene with Sirius bugging James made you laugh. :) I'm not always the best with humour so it always makes me feel good when someone gets a chuckle out of what I've written. I'm also really happy that you still like the way I've characterized the Marauders. I feel so terribly sorry for Remus when I imagine what it would be like to be him. It's tough enough to just be a regular teenager!
And I love this compliment: "You take used and overused scenes and make them seem new, better and well written." That makes me feel fantastic about my writing, so thank you. :) I'm glad you liked the birthday scene, and you're right--it definitely pushed Lily and James (well, Lily, mostly) towards "that place". As for Lily's apparent embarrassment about being friends with James, I think she didn't say anything about where she had been because it probably wouldn't have made the situation any better. Anna wouldn't really care where Lily had been, only that she wasn't there. And the other thing about Anna is that she's not actually that mad at Lily, just frustrated. The tension between her and Lily is actually coming more from Lily's side. I don't want to say too much more just because there's going to be a bit of a plotline about this in the future...but hopefully it will all make sense by the end of the story!
I'm glad you're enjoying the Head duties that I've thought up. I really think James would be fairly enthusiastic about being Head Boy. I think it would have made him feel more confident about himself. Which might sound strange, since we always hear that he was bordering on arrogance, but I think that the combination of the disappointment Dumbledore would have expressed after Severus almost got killed and what Lily said to him in fifth year would have made him uncertain. I think that he would have always respected Lily's opinion, and hearing her say those things must have had some effect on him. (I might be giving it too much weight, but that's my opinion, anyway!)
On the love potion storyline--I won't say too much about this one either, since it's going to continue on in the next few chapters. Again, I hope it makes sense and that I manage to pull it off in a way that isn't strange or anything. It's part of the "threads of Voldemort" that you mentioned, though.
Character limit is killing me again, so I'll just say that Ursula is definitely childish, although I do have some sympathy for her, and that I'm really glad you don't mind the POV switches.
As for being on your list of Favourite Authors: WOW! Thank you so, so much! I completely understand what you mean about not wanting to add authors with only one story, so what an amazing compliment. :)
Thank you again for making my day with a review! The next chapter's waiting in the queue, so it all depends on when the validators have time to look it over...but hopefully not too much longer than a week! Report Review
I just want to drop a short review here, telling you have nothing to be uncertain about in this chapter. It's my absolutely favourite so far.
As said previously, I think, this is where many goes wrong, with trouble at full moon. But not you. There's no Lily in the area and no other people about to get hurt, no, instead it's Remus and the other Marauders that are in trouble.
I think the whole inferi part was so scary and... well, I'm sitting in a warm living room, and I was scared to dead. That part was just so bloody intense and nervewrecking. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I've always been scared of the thought of inferi, and you really did those in HBP justice. Truth be told, I was more scared of yours :P
Will there be more about these inferi? A whole village of them is a lot, I was just wondering if they were going to do something abuot it.
I think it was nice to just see Peter and James talking. I loved that scene because I think that's how things would go by if it came to this. Sitting at a fire, Sirius sleeping, but not James and Peter. The anxiety. Well done.
And when Remus woke up. Just, wow. Of course he does not want his friends to see him in that weak state. This is where his character really comes to life and it's all just so... well, real in a way. Filled with emotions and friendship. And I understand it's hard to be grateful when you don't want to seem weak. Poor, poor Remus. And nice detail with the throwing up part.
Fantastic, fantastic chapter. I can't even tell you in words how much I enjoyed reading this one. I'm just... wow.Author's Response: Every time I get a positive review for this chapter, it just fills me with so much relief and happiness. So really, thank you so, so much for this review!
And I'm unbelievably pleased that you thought it was really scary. Not that I'm glad I scared you to death, of course! But I'm always uncertain of my writing in these horror/action scenarios and hearing that I wrote it well and put you on the edge of your seat is a major confidence-booster.
I think they're a bit stuck about telling anyone about the Inferi at this point, because it would raise so many questions about why they were out there during the full moon. Even if Remus were to tell someone, they would wonder why he'd been running around loose. It will come up again, but not until they're in the Order.
And the reason why I went for it and posted this chapter was because of Remus and Peter. It shows Peter as a good friend, which I really think he was during their time at Hogwarts. And as for Remus in this, I thought it was so important to communicating what I see as his insecurities that I couldn't help but put the chapter up. Even if people had hated it, I think I would have left it because I really stand by how I've portrayed him. But you don't hate it, which is just wonderful. You get what I'm trying to say, and I love it when that happens!
Thank you again for reviewing, Groundswell. You're the best! Report Review
Wow, thanks for that incredibly fast responce to my other review. Now I just can't wait to figure out what's with Professor Dearborn.
Anyways... This review won't be as long as the previous one, (which is the longest I've ever written), but you really deserve yet another time to get to know what a great story you're writing here. I might be a bit more random here with scenes and such, but I've already pointed out the general in the first review.
The first chapter after Lily and James' fight was horrible. Well, not in a bad way, but I was so sad that they weren't talking anymore :(
Which leads me to how you tacle this 'not talking to each other' state. Great. It's really the only word for it. These situations are so hard to write, especially because you want in some way to get the persons to interact, but in a very different way than usual. You can't have them be together too much, and not too little either, then it becomes boring. You've really succeeded here, with flying colours and everything! :D
And while we're at it. Thanks for making them not talking now instead of when they hadn't gotten together. Another cliche you're avoiding. Well done.
One thing I like especially. James is actually acting like a boy. He doesn't do those deep, meaningfull confersations about his feelings and stuff. You know that typical boy-type every girl dream of, but just does not exist other places than in fanfiction and in some books. Thanks for avoiding that.
Remus is absolutely horrible in chapter 8. He clearly let Mary believe there was something, but... okay, I settled this matter in the first review. But still. And when chapter 9 comes I feel sorry for him.
The run-in with Mulciber was great. I like how you've taken a little part from DH and actually amde a little sub-plot out of it. And actually succeeding. You pull it off in a way not many can do without making it sound forced in. With you it comes naturally.
The Quidditfch match was good. No drama and no one getting hurt. There is in most stories. Also, well written. And another thing here. You made it against Slytherin, which I love. Just as it is in the books, but only few remember it and make the final match against them instead. Which isn't correct.
You're bringing me in doubt. First, in chapter 10 you say that Professor Dearborn is becoming the most popular teacher in Hogwarts. One would think that it wouldn't be a problem for people to stay awake in his classes. Even though the class is not good, a good teacher (or a person with a likeable personality) can keep attention with him and the class no matter what kind of boring subject they're covering.
Lily's feeling about James' date to Ursula is just great. She doesn't really know how she feels about him, but that for sure is jealousy. But when they become friends again, or around the hugging scene... Lily doesn't seem to trust James. She believes that the only reason he wants to hug her is to feel her up, and that's trust issues. And I really thought Lily would have moved on by now.
And Ursula. Well, I never liked her in the first place. But I understand she became uncomfortable and would create some distance between her and Lily. It's understandable. I actually think this is a scene that clearly shows James is truly Harry's father. Something about the way he handled the whole Ursula situation reminded me of all the girl trouble harry has. Well done.
I liked the last part of Dearborn's class. It reminds me of the way Dumbledore worked in the end of HBP. I think it's very advanced, but also right for NEWT levels. Interesting to see something new.
So they're friends again. Though I wish they'd have talked a little about the argument, said sorry or something. It's still there in a way.
And oh, James and Lily didn't get to say goodbye before they went home.
A detail I've noticed. Finally, some attention to Sirus' troubled family and what it's done to him, without it being too much. I like the way you said he either get in a bad mood or say something tactless. It's just so... fitting to him, I think. I like you Sirius, have I said that? He's not too much of something (funny, pretend stupid, or crazy with girls), but really just a troublemaker like the others and quite perfect.
I like that you've written this nice chapter, parting them from each other. No interaction between them, but instead you tell us how they deal without each other. Lovely.
I think James' dad is going to die. Am I right? If so, I think you're the right writer to pull this through, non-cliche.
Oh, and thanks for not overdoing Lily and Petunia's problems.
I have to let you know I loved this little scene between Lily and Severus. I could picture it all in my head and it was just as clear as crystal. Beautifully written. It was just... well, right, and the awkwardness and slightly 'coldness' between them was just great.
I can't wait to see how you're solving this Remus-Mary thing. And I can't wait to see mroe Lily/James time now that they're friends again.
Have I told you I think you're a fantastic writer?
Very good chapters. I've loved every single one of them, especially the one where they became friend again. I'll get straight on with reading!Author's Response: Another awesome and detailed review! You'll have to be careful or I'll start getting much too used to this. ;)
It is sad when they're not talking, isn't it? But even though it's sad, I'm really happy you thought that particular period was written well. The thing is, it's not that they're actually that mad at each other. If James had gone after Lily, she would have forgiven him and all would have been well. And then you get this situation where Lily won't talk to James until he apologizes, and James thinks that Lily wants nothing to do with him. So it's all just a big misunderstanding. You're right that their reconciliation is lacking detailed discussion, but I think they come to an understanding nonetheless. And it's also because of some of the things you said: James is not about to sit there and spill out every emotion he's ever had. On Lily's trust issues, I think you're right that she's not exactly certain about James, as she's still not entirely sure whether James is the nice, mature guy or the slightly conceited, immature one--but the truth is, he's both, and she'll come to an understanding of that in good time. (That's so funny that you thought James was like Harry in this chapter. I think James, despite his arrogance, was maybe not the smoothest with girls, which goes against the popular portrayal of him as a "player". I think the scene in OotP makes it clear that he was a bit of a spaz about it.)
On Dearborn: I'm glad his storyline is intriguing you. And I probably should have explained myself more clearly with his classes being boring vs. him being a popular teacher. What I meant was that he's popular because he's a bit roguish and rebellious, but he's still not a very good teacher. And the boring part of his classes is the personal anecdotes that he goes off on all the time. As you saw, when he actually talks about cursed objects, he gets their full attention. Hopefully that makes a little bit more sense!
I'm also really glad you're liking the storyline between Remus and Mary. He really isn't being very nice to her, but I think you'll come to understand why in later chapters. It's a hard situation (at least for me) because I can sympathize with both of them, and hopefully you're feeling the same way.
I'll try and wrap everything else up quickly: it's so nice to see all the things you picked out of this chapter. I'm glad you thought the scenes between Lily & Severus and Lily & Petunia were written well. And also super, super pleased that you like Sirius' characterization. I think he's a hugely complex character and really tough to write well, and hearing that compliment is amazing. As for James' dad...well, his parents and Lily's parents are gone by the time Harry's born. :P (And on the Quidditch match--I'm so glad someone noticed that I'm following the right order!)
You are an amazing reviewer, and I appreciate hearing from you so much. It really brightens my day to see a new review, so thank you so much!! Report Review
Okay, so I want to stop here, leaving you a review, because I think it's unfair to you that I've read so far in this story, enjoyed it very much, and not left a single review. But truthfully, I'm not much for those small reviews, I'd rather just write a longer one, so here it is.
I can with the hand on my heart say that this is the best written Marauders story I have ever read - and I have read loads and written many, so I know a bit about this era.
You mention you want to stay away from the typical Marauders story. You have done so with flying colours. And you do it in such a fantastic way. It's not overdone original and with some strange plot or funny in a way that would never take place This could (if you don't count the magic of course) be a real story. Everything is so believeable and not overdone in any way.
Characterizations. Perfect. I especially like that you haven't made Peter a git (a thing only few does), that you haven't made Sirius a stupid playboy, Mary - this kind of person is not seen often, James who seems to have a lot more depth than usual, and most of all Lily. Anna I like because she's not the first person to notice in this story, but she's got a lot over her head too. I could keep going on and on about all of these, but can't we just agree that I find them believeable and perfectly written?
The Lily-Severus problem is just perfect and the little interaction there has been between them has been perfect. Tense, and I clearly get a feeling they have some.. ambivalent feelings of each other, but things between them has become awkward and in a way they don't know where they have each other.
The interaction between the Marauders is perfect, relaxed. I can tell them from each other, they're not all the same, if you know what I mean.
And it's not only your story I'm in love with. The way you write is simply amazing and it's just... well, it's a joy to read because I haven't yet found myself bored. Even though long phases where you write background is well written and everything sees thought through. Nothing is there if it doesn't have a purpose.
I like that you have the thread of Voldemort there, but it's not the mainfocus, but not forgotten either. It's a thing many go to one side or another with (including me).
For the speciel scenes I love...
The Animagi chapter in general, chapter 5, I believe. There's not too much focus on it, but still it's there - and Lily doesn't find out about it. Though I'd have though Lily when being suspicious, would have gotten to the bottom of it by now. One thing though, in PoA Remus says that he disappears once a month, that must include the days hours between the full moon nights. Still he was there at the Quidditch Pitch.
The scene at the Shrieking Shack. Loved the tension between Severus and Lily, and the way it's written. James being held back and everything.
When James comes to Lily's rescue at Slughorn's Party. Just as Lily's starting to get a little... I don't knwo the word, James saves her. And the following little conversation, and James how far he could pull the handholding. Well done.
And this chapter. I hadn't given it that much thought before Lily did. There really was this distance between her and James, and of course their past would mean a lot to them. It's the first time I've seen this "twist" between them, but I do love it and find it so... believeable that the'd both feel that way.
Also, I would like to say a few words about your start. It's hard for me to get started on a story, because often, people all start out in the same way. Or in some dry, boring way. But you caught me three lines in and I knew it'd be a good story.
I'm a little nervous about this Remus/OC turn, but I think that you is the perfect to pull this off, no matter how you want to solve it. But I really wish Lily would just take a word with him after that scene in the library. It's not fair to Mary. But then again, Remus has always had a weakness for people who accept his friendship and that might be why he's having such a hard time letting go of Mary. You really write him well.
Some other (random) details I love about your story.
The fact that you actually put some attention to the Head Duties. I never know what they would be, but all of your ideas are great and you pull them off perfectly (am I overusing the world 'perfect'?).
You don't overwrite confrontations between the Slytherins and the Gryffindors. I haven't yet seen a single fight, and none over Lily what so ever. And that's great. There's usually a lot of them in stories and they often come off forced. But not here.
The way James and Lily slowly becomes friend. It takes time, and you give them that. And then, because they have actually lacked to fix the foundation, it tumbles down in this very chapter.
You're not overdoing Lily's hate for James in the beginning with shouting and slapping. Enough said.
Professor Dearborn is not just another DADA (oh, and you never use the shortening, DADA) teacher. There actually seems to be more to him. Plus, he took action against Sirius.
James didn't run after Lily. Because truthfully, they never do - been there. But still, we get to know why.
Your flashbacks are written fine, just since you asked in last chapter. Not overdone with italics, but written in, flowing nicely. It didn't even seem like a flashback, because somehow you didn't remove our attention from the ongoing story.
And two questions.
Will the Veritaserum part come up again?
Will we know the connection Professor Dearborn has to James' parents and why he got there?
As you probably can tell from my review, the thing I'm most impressed by is the way you stick away from every single, cliche scene and every overused detail, but when you finally use them, you do it well and perfect.
Anyways, great, great story. I truly love it.Author's Response: Wow...this is just...wow! I'm flabbergasted! I'm going to try to do my best to address everything you mentioned, but if I can't squeeze it in, just know that I appreciate everything!
On cliches and characterizations: I am so happy to hear that you think I've avoided most cliches. I really am devoted to staying realistic. To hear that you think this could really happen is such a wonderful compliment, as are all the things you've said about the characters. Creating a character that's realistic is so hard, and it's wonderful when someone tells you you've done a good job! I'm also really glad that you like the interactions between the Marauders; it is, to be honest, something that I struggle with.
On Lily & James: goodness, do people actually have her slapping him in stories? How awful! I personally believe that Lily has been unjustly characterized based on what we see of her in OotP. Yes, she wasn't pleased with James' behaviour, but she was also in the middle of exams (a stressful time for anyone) and she was humiliated in front of a crowd. The one thing that guides the way I write Lily is Dumbledore saying that Harry's true nature is like hers. All of your comments about their friendship, and the argument in this chapter, are so fantastic, because I feel like I got across what I wanted to say. You've understood perfectly how I was trying to portray things.
On Lily & Severus: they're a tricky pair to write. So, of course, I'm thrilled that you like the way I've done it. I love what you said about feelings of ambivalence...I think they both care about each other still, but not enough to try and fix things.
On my writing: I'm so flattered! I can't imagine a much better compliment than hearing that someone loves my writing, plain and simple. I'm so glad that the beginning hooked you in, and that you like the flashbacks, as well.
On Head duties, Dearborn, Voldemort, and Slytherins vs. Gryffindors: I'm glad these little things are drawing you in and making you like the story more. (And although I don't say "DADA", I wish that I did every time I type out the whole darn thing!)
And finally, your concerns and questions: I think you might be right about the full moon/Quidditch game. My thought there was that maybe Remus had some days where he wasn't so ill that he couldn't go out during the day. But that raises other issues, so maybe I should rethink it. And on Remus and Mary, I'm so happy that you think I'm writing his attachment to her convincingly. I promise I'm going to try to do my best to make their storyline realistic and original. For your questions: yes, the connection between Dearborn and James' parents, and why he's teaching at Hogwarts, will become clear. And I'm going to bring the Veritaserum thing back at some point. (Will you forgive me if I fessed up and said I forgot about it? I have a plan of how to work it back in, though.)
Thank you so much for this incredible review, Groundswell. I hope you continue loving the story! Report Review
Okay, first things first. I'm not a Harry/Hermione shipper, but I liked this. I really did. And I think it's because this story is not about how they get together, but more as an alternative ending to DH. And I love alternative endings :P
Your start, "Please wake up. You have to wake up." Why shouldn't he? I thought he was dying or something when reading this.
It's such a sweet - intimate - moment they have, and I completely understand that Ron gets a little mad here.
Which leads me to a question. Ron fancies Hermione, yes? If so, wouldn't Harry and Hermione feel a little bad about this whole thing? Shouldn't there be some conflict between them (it's a question I'm bound to ask when the pairing is not canon :P), some more arguing?
You have a lot of changes in POV. First Harry, then Hermione, Harry, Hermione and then shortly Ron and at last Hermione. I just don't find it fitting. A story should only be written in one POV, two only if there's a need for it, and I only saw this once here, before Harry died.
Obviously Ginny and Harry didn't work out here.
But in this scene, Hermions seemes extremely angry - "“Where is he?” she spat." And when she's suddenly in front of him, she's suddenly sweet and wanting to understand, telling him everything's going to be all right. I just don't understand how fast her mood changes.
"Hermione stood but his cool fingers closed around her wrist." Lovely to read the fingers aren't warm; they always are :P
"I wouldn’t have had a reason to live though the Graveyard, Hermione." This makes me frown. It's too sweet for Harry to say such thing. It's not fitting.
“Harry – you’re going to survive this.” Always the optimist. Typical Hermione, portrayed perfectly here and throughout the most of the story. She gets a little too dramatic towards the end, but the whole other part of the story she's just perfect.
I love the scene in the bed, because already here Harry knows that he's going to die and has dealt with it and thought of Hermione. He wants her to move on, and I think it's exactly the thing he would say, if he were to say such thing. One could have imagined that maybe he wouldn't tell her, because he didn't want to trouble her.
But I did love the ending very much - Harry's death that is. The whole funeral sad thing, it's just me :P
The plot is just fine, really. Considered I don't know how Harry/hermione stories usually work, I think this was original. Nothing too dramatic (yellings of 'I love you's etc and fightings - I love you made a story without these) and it was just going in a fine, slow pace.
Very good story.Author's Response: Groundswell!
Thank you so much for such a complete, insightful, wonderful review! I really appreciate it - you are so kind! ^_^
I never even thought of this as an alternative ending- but it is ^_^. You're right- it's more about the battle as well as them staying together, rather than getting together in the first place.
Harry does not wake up because he is in a nightmare. His concerning Voldemort always seemed to be very potent in the books, and it takes Hermione awhile to rouse him; she begins to panic. I took that bit of inspiration from when Ron tries to wake Harry in HPB and he wakes up violently ill. =) But I see where you are coming from.
Ron does fancy Hermione in the first scene and we don't see him again until the funeral. That is a sort of hole- not because Harry and Hermione would fight. I don't think they would be divided in the face of Ron's immaturity - but it does leave the reader wondering what Ron is thinking when they are by the lake, for instance. My reason for leaving it out was that I didn't feel it was essential to the dynamic and I didn't want the story to have a cliche scene where Ron miraculously understands or Harry and Hermione tag team him and tell him how immature he is. Still, your point is completely valid.
I'm a bit confused about your POV paragraph. The story is written in third person, following Hermione, with glimpses into the heads of Harry and Hermione. We never get inside Ron's head. We do follow Hermione except for that discontinuity where Harry is about to die. I'm understand where switching from person to person would be confusing, but I don't see where that happens. I love that you're pointing out to me that you perceived it, though- I'll run though it once more.
Hermione is furious with Ginny as she's been listening to this conversation (shouting match, really). Ginny seems to think that she can keep Harry while not being with him while Hermione passionately believes that Harry deserves better than that. While storming off furious with Ginny is a way for Hermione to vent her frustration, telling Harry that Ginny is a git isn't what Harry needs. Harry's needs are Hermione's primary concerns. He needs to think he's going to survive to keep going; so, that's what she tells him. Without even thinking. Also, in a way, she herself cannot contemplate the alternative. And lastly, as you say, Hermione is an optimist. =)
Bahaha, you make me laugh. If only Harry's hands could possibly be warm in freezing weather! Alas, realism crushes my dreams=). Tee hee.
I did contemplate him not telling her about his fate, but I didn't think Hermione could physically survive if she had been blind-sighted. The pain of not having any closure would completely destroy her- and the ending does that already. And I'm so glad you liked the funeral =).
Thank you SO SO MUCH for the review! You've been SO helpful! If you ever need anything, feel free to PM me or post in my review thread! xoxo Report Review
I don't know if you remember, but I already had a look at the prologue, so I'll just take it from here.
Nice start. I love very much the way you're writing it. It all comes so natural. For example, when Tonks talk to the three policemen... some (me) would write that part fast without all these small imputs you come with. We get a little story, a little dialogue and little interaction with them. A perfect mix.
Nice little detail with her going against the table. It gives us better feel of the Tonks from the books, making her more believeable and in character. And the little slip with the letters - she's new and has still things to learn. Also, the way she tacles Sergeant Brodie and talks about him to Kingsley, another thing that's just typical her.
But I do agree, the Sergeant wasn't a nice person. Very grumpy, the whole time. But he's not slow. He seems to catch on Tonks' insecurety and holes in the plan. Clever. Nice work with him.
Your writing in general is very colourful and gives the readers a very clear picture of the whols scene. The one I love the most is this, "Tonks shook her head, her sweaty hair hitting her cheeks." I can just picture it and I couldn't help smile.
So the case looks like this from Tonks' view, the muggles and wizards of Willoway lives side by side, but the muggles doesn't know? And now some of the wizards have started messing with the muggles, yes?
"And since the Ministry was forbidden from interfering in matters of Muggle law enforcement," Why? Why couldn't Tonks just go over there as a witch and solve this thing with those responsible? It's obviously the magical part there's the problem here, and it's slightly of a thread to the whole magical community. We know there is a part in the minestry for those kind of things. (forgive me for being too lazy to go find the name of it).
I can't believe Tonks haven't heard about airplanes with a muggle as father.
One thing I love very much about this, is the assingment Tonks has gotten. Normally when Auror is mentioned I think of dark widard catcher, but really it's so much more but we never hear about that, and you've found an original thing. It's not about Death Eaters or Voldemort, and I love that very much.
I think this is a very well written first chapter. With the prologue being what it is it doesn't matter so much that nothing more happens, because we know a little of where this is going.
Well done.Author's Response: Hi Groundswell!
What an amazing review! Thank you so very much. You've given me a lot to think about and your feedback will certainly help me in plotting future chapters. ^_^
I'm so glad you liked this first chapter. I was worried that it would be a bit too slow, considering the prologue was rather fast-paced and tense.
Haha, yes, Sgt. Brodie is very grumpy. Most veteran police officers are, I think. They become jaded and cynical and Brodie is just such a man.
I was also thrilled to hear that you liked Tonks's characterization. This is my first time writing her and I feared that she would turn out terribly OOC. ;)
As for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement being prohibited from interfering with matters of Muggle law enforcement, perhaps I was a bit unclear. The Ministry is not a 100% certain that wizards have anything to do with the disturbance on Willoway, that's why they are sending Tonks to investigate and discover the source of the problem. If the problem is solely a Muggle one, then I thought they might not have the legal right to get involved with the case. For example, if a bank robbery occurred on the island involving only Muggles, the Ministry would have no reason to interfere.
I'm so sorry if that was unclear. I will try to revise things to avoid any future confusion. ^_^
And yes, Tonks has certainly heard of airplanes. I think, however, she did not immediately connect the notion of "flying" with them, as she is quite used to broomsticks. ;)
Again, thanks for the fantastic review, Groundswell! It was wonderful hearing from you. I hope you have a great week!
celticbard Report Review
First, love you've written this in first person. It's a very brave thing to do, especially because most have problems with writing a male characeter from first POV, but you do it well. I really get a feeling it's Ron. It's all those small things, you know?
Take the proposal. Very good. His insecurity and then the stumbling with the words. The things he does matches with what he thinks.
I've got to ask, Hermione, vanilla blonde hair?
“You didn’t like the way I looked yesterday morning?”
It's morning? In the rest of the text I get the feeling it's evening, plus it'd be weird to attend a reunion at seven in the morning.
Harry is very much in character. Ginny clearly wears the pants in this relationship, just like I imagined and Harry is the nice parent - the one to talk to Ginny about the broom and defend the boys. But "This afternoon, I tried to get them to pick up their toys and they refused." Children are like that, Ginny should know. They don't learn to clean up before they're way older. That's a part of being a mum.
“Couldn’t be better.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
This seems odd in my ears. Don't you mean "Could be better"?
Why in heaven's name would Hermione owl Parvati? Does Parvati know? She acts a little weird in my eyes I bet she knows. Then, it'd make sense, but I never saw them as someone talking after the whole Lavender thing, less care for the break-up the way she shows.
One thing I think you're missing in this chapter, which you had in the first one. Is the feeling of reunion. It's not there, with the nostalgia and "So what are you doing now?" The only thing is the memory of Hermione punching Draco, and that's hardly mentioned. Why not let Seamus break the silence with a "I just got a baby or something"? (now I of course don't know how much they've talked over the years)
I think it would also have made your ending more strong. You're insecure about that and if you had written a longer conversation - showing us the point of this reunion, how it made Ron feel maybe, show us just how much he misses Hermione or something like that - it could be much stronger.
I think you did a good job with this. It's improved, especially the first part, but the end is weaker in this one that the first story.
Well done!Author's Response: Hun, I appalogize for the very late response. I honestly don't have anything to say. You've left me speechless, dear.
I thank you for the detailed review and it's very helpful!
Thanks again hun!
xx Report Review
I love the start. It clearly shows just how different boys and girls are. Where Ahna and Angie can probably not walk past each other again without doing something, Kevin and Dmirti has already come to better therms. They forget, after a fight, everything's okay again.
And boy, has Kevin just been blind. How stupid is he not to have seen?
Why do I sort of feel this story is filled with pathetic girls? Robyn is too, but in a different way. I think it's because she's tougher that Melisse, but she's pathetic too. She begs them to have her, but they don't and she keeps coming. That's just... irk.
The Ron Malfoy part... what exactly is happening? To me it seems as if they're saying good buy to Ellie, but she's not dying. I don't really get it.
Ahna is becoming sad again. Why? I have a feeling there's a still in the whol murder thingie, but what's going on inside of her? Why would it help to rbeak up with Dmitri. No matter what he'll still mean a lot to her and now that they have been together and been best friends for so long, I see no point in it.
And what's with the poem?
I agree with Sabrina. Dmitri means too much to Ahna and she needs him. Backbone. That's a good way to put it. I don't think Ahna can do this on her own. Just think of the time with Skylar when she grew farther away from Dmitri. No, it just won't work.
I think Ahna's being stupid.
Sabrina is a great friend. Even though she says she's never really talked to Dmitri and been his friends, she care and she's right in everything she says about friendship etc etc.
And again. Ahna is being so stupid. Riiculous. End of that.
Glad Dmitri got to talk some sense into her. Really.
I'm not completely sure I understand this Christy/Sithra situation, but I'm getting there. I did not see that one coming!
But nice Aaron found out, but how can Christy be so careless to just let to book s lying around?
Ohh, is James going to die now because he found out??? Please don't kill him.
Anyway, I feel with this chapter the story took a long step and is now movig forward with a pace I love. Great chapter! Report Review
Very sweet beginning. It seems natural and it brings a smile to the readers' lips.
But then I'm not really sure what happened... Dmitri arrives at total chaos and Brianna tries to crush him with a trunk... because he's going to meet Melissa? I know it's not a smart move because we know what kind of person she is, but why is everyone acting like she's poison or sonething?
And Ahna has to go? No, she does not. She can choose not to go, the other thing is simply idiotic.
Oh, and Melissa really doesn't get a hint. She seems more and more pathetic for each chapter. Really.
I believe Ahna is overreacting. He didn't kiss her and she should trust him. And now suddenly she doesn't think herself good enough for him? Where's the confidence from first in this story? Did Skylar completely crush that?
Oh, thank god. I was jus about to get really mad that Ahna was with Skylar again. And disappointed. But thanks... Glad it only was a dream.
Written well though. Fantastic and once again, catching that thing between Ahna and Skylar. I love how you write it, the passion of both hate and lust at the same time. Really well written, every single time.
"And when Ahna filled out - holy christ." This made me laugh. It's nice to see something written as light as the part where this come from. Especially in a story that becomes so dark. It lightens it all in some sort of way.
And so with the rest of the part. It's like forgetting what horrible things that have happened and just seeing this couple having fun. It's nice.
Nice to see how Ahna slowly opens up to Dmitri. It comes through the whole chapter with a fine amount of hesitation and fright, but as it disolves, it seems just perfect and well written.
I never saw that episode with Angie come. I never expected it. Wow. But I do think she's overreacting. Ahna, leading leding someone on? Right. But I didn't get who it was again. Kevin, yes?
And what a fight. I've never actually seen those who tried to break it up, start fighting each other - and I've seen a lot of fights. But I guess when an idiot like Kevin is there. And Dmitri is cool. haha, thought that needed to be added.
Intense chapter and I enjoyed it. Well written - especially Ahna. Report Review
I am incredible sorry it has taken me so long to get to this point. It's been over a week since my last review, but I've had a few busy days and when I finally had time I got hit my inspiration and had to write on my own stuff. Sorry!
Dmitri's reaction to this situation is very good. I understand his anger and feelings about this. Because not only does he find Ahna with another boy, but as he himself points out, it's Ashby. That kind of blow could knock anyone over.
But... it's all gone so fast. I mean, he was furious, and just because Ahna kisses him back, he's suddenly okay with it?
And then you write this: “Because you’ve been hurt enough. I’m not here to hurt you.”
and in a way, it all fits. Haha. At first I thought he was calming down a little too fast, but that justexplains it all. I would have loved to see him struggling a little with it though. But maybe it's because he love her so much... I'm not making sense now :P
Ahna's struggling. Just perfect. I don't really have much to say on that matter, because it was spot on. The way she felt about being clsoe to anyone after what happened and such.
How wonderful their tight friendship came back in this - the way they sort of re-connected, Ahna telling him everything baou tit, and him suddenly understanding it all.
Why didn't Kris tell anyone? :( of course that would take some of the fun away from the story, but... Ohhh. It makes me sad.
And then they say it was suicide? Hmph.
This Sithra Rystanzi ... I don't remember if it's been said yet in this story. But is she a part of the Hogwarts population? If so which house and year? I want to know something about her, besides that she's a creepy someone who kills for fun.
And what exactly was Hermione and Draco doing/going to? ...
And then things start to move. It was only a matter of time before Ahna would need to figure out what exactly was said.
And Melissa is starting to look like a seriously desperate girl who can not understand when she's lost the battle. It's a little pathetic really, but I understand we'll need the drama :D
“Because I can,” This just hits me. I'm not sure why, but boy, do I love it!
Really good chapter. Loved it! Report Review
I think you know this, but I just want to say that this is such a short chapter! haha. I think we talked about that.
I think the absolute best part was that Elena actually agreed. I don't think anyone saw that coming, and I like that, that you'r enot afraid of doing what you want instead of what you think people want. And ha, she's still a little bitter about it, seeing she doesn't want others to mix in it. :P Lovely.
But I'm off to listen to the 30 seconds Break again :DAuthor's Response: We talked about it all right. I am thinking the next chapter (hopefully) will be a good deal longer. But you (as the only one but me) has a general idea of the plot. Or maybe you think you do, so stay tuned ;)
Good listening, just heard it myself, it is great Report Review
The start of this chapter, wonderful. I love how you described how they moved without really knowing how they moved. It's like
And Aurelia is growing smarter for each chapter - more insightful. I guess it's the point - learning and accepting so much she's ready to move on.
Somehow I don't think it was a coincidence that Aurelia was lost behind them. It can't be with Dumbledore. She needed to see her daughter. And what a sweet scene. And time really does not exist, because you're jumping half a year forward (or Dumbledore did just get there slowly). And as always, when he talks, I don't get half of it - that means you did well with his person. haha.
This was a very different chapter. You suddenly move Aurelia out of the safe place she's been so far, and she's bound to be scared. I really think you did that well. And as always, you painted a perfect clear picture of the suroundings. Just fantastic.
Okay, I have to ask. Ariana. She's old, yes? But (okay, I feel stupid asking) is she Albus's sister? It would be so fitting if she was and it'd explain the hug, but I don't want to assume when I'm not sure :P And if it is, I know I should have seen it. haha.
Beautiful chapter, but once again, you created a lot of mystery around what's going on. I think it's one of those things that really makes this story so beautiful. You create all these things in death, and you don't give answers. Just as we might never get if it was to happen. Death is a mystery.
Fantastic yet again. A joy to read! Please do come back with a new request when you update again!Author's Response: Yes, time is somewhat a tricky substance when dealing with this kind of thing. Time in the white world really does not exist, but it's the moments in the living world that mark a timeline. So Dumbledore arrived at the right time, but Aurelia's trip to see her daughter is during the Christmas after his death, so a few months later.
Ariana is indeed Ariana Dumbledore. We know that, of course, but Aurelia has no idea that they are related. Because it's from her perspective, i didnt want to give it away who she is. Aurelia never finds out, but we can guess for her.
Death is a mystery. I dont intend to answer all the questions raised in this fic because who am I to answer them? We must all reach our own conclusions, but I hope I can get people on the way to thinking about the answer.
thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
I'm not even sure what to say to this chapter. Haha, don't take it the bad way. I loved it just as I've loved every single on before this one.
One thing I can't help being amazed by as I read this story is the way so little happens in each chapter, yet it never seems boring. I think it's because much of what's going on is in the head and what's going on with the world, not as much what they say to each other and such. But more how they move on, and that's all in their head... if you understood that :P It sounded much better in my head.
And even as they just sit there, something seems to happen. Just all the attention you put on the mist!! It's like I'm there and it leaves me flabbergasted and just... I can't even put words to it. It's just fantastic writing, it really is.
What Dumbledore should be doing there, I have yet to find out about. And why was him to help the souls? Not anyone else? There're so many questions and I really would love to have them answered. Everything is so mysterious, and it leaves one thinking.
I was first confused whenhe got there, seeing as he's not afraid of dying and therefore would not be held back. But I'm guessing since they're going to King's Cross, that he'll help them, like maybe he helped Harry. To the Limbo?
This chapter was just fabolous - they're all that. But I loved it and I love the way it was Dumbledore who came. He's great, even in death.Author's Response: I have to say, that amazes me too. Recently I had a skim-read of the chapters, and I was astonished I've written so much on so little. You're right, hardly anything physical happens. It's definitely more of a mental/emotional journey she's on. I'm glad you're not bored!
Dumbledore is not afraid of death, but it isnt the fear of death that can hold you back. Dumbledore was not ready to move on because he had some unfinished business. Like Aurelia, he might not know what that is and he just has to wait until he finds out. That's actually in the next chapter though, so I wont reveal it ;)
thank you so much for reviewing!
I think the one thing I love most about this story, is the way you're created this little world where everything is a mystery, but in a way, logic at the same time. When I read this, I get a sense of peace, but also an uncertain feeling of what's going on.
"It was so empty, yet it gave me the feeling that there really was something out there watching,.." This explains the feeling I'm sitting with when reading it and I think it's fantastic you can do that!
The way Aurelia's mind and thoughts development is lovely to read.
I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I do love your cast. You've chosen them for the right reasons and not because they're who they are. Like Lily and James. You have them in there not because they're Harry's parents, but because they have a reason to be there.
Soulmates. I don't know why, but that just seemed right. The way you wrote it was beautiful and when Lily said it, it just made sense.
I find it somewhat funny that Lily asks her to open her mind. After all, she's the mother of Luna and wife os Xenophilius, and yet she's to ask questions of such things. Sweet, in a way.
I did not understand the part with the green that followed her completely. When did it get there? Sounds strange, I know, but suddenly it was just there.
And when she talk to James. First everything is good, and suddenly you bring something dark into this, making sure we don't forget that "death" is all around. And at the same time you stirs a little in their little happy universe, changing - something is wrong, but what, no one knows. At least I'm taking it like that.
This is a very interesting chapter I think. Fantastically written as always.Author's Response: thank you so much, I really appreciate your feedback ♥ Report Review
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