Hey there! It's only me!
This is such a great first chapter - it definitely reads much smoother now that you've fixed those tense issues. It's funny and engaging and heads straight into the action, which is always a good thing. I don't know if I've mentioned this to you, but I think you've already have some really well characterised people in this chapter - so you don't need to be worried about that. Keep going in this direction and everything will be fantastic! Everyone seems really canon, but also entertaining and interesting. So well done!
That's about all I have to say for this chapter, but great stuff! Really well done :) xAuthor's Response: Hi!!
First of all, thank you for beta'ing for me!
This is really great feedback, thank you so much! It's so good to read that :D
Thank you :) x Report Review
Wow! What a powerful piece of writing. I think you're definitely all over this challenge. I could take a guess at which character this is - but I like the mystery, I like that you chose to not give them any kind of identity.
The formatting of this piece was actually so effective. It really enhanced the disjointed, disorienting feel it had going on. So well done with that! I loved the descriptions. Short, simple and blunt and because of that so powerful.
I think you've done a really great job with this story!Author's Response: Hello there! Wow thank you so much, your compliments are so lovely! ♥
I didn't really want to give the character an identity, it just makes me feel like I'm constricted. :p
I was so nervous it was too disjointed but people seem to say it reflects/enhanced the story perfectly! *wipes forehead in relief*.
Thank you so much for this review, I'm glad that you liked it! :D Report Review
Hey there, it's Laura or laura&co'' from TGS here to review your story. Sorry it's taken me a few days!
I don't have an awful lot to say I'm afraid. I'll admit to seeing this challenge and being very excited to view the responses - so I'm glad you've given me one to read.
The way you write is lovely. I think you write in a clear, simple prose, but there's something about that that is very beautiful - particularly in this circumstance. Your descriptions are wonderful. I just found them so simple, but so ... haunting I guess. This was one of my favourite parts - "Days pass into nights as I sit alone, patiently waiting for the floor to implode, so that I can fall into the jaws of hell which certainly await me. Most might say I deserve it. There is no rest for the wicked, after all." I liked how you used a lot of shorter sentences. I thought it gave the fic a very dry, callous, matter-of-fact kind of feel. Sort of an example of the terror and cold-heartedness of what Lucius had done. Perhaps that was never your intention and I am reading ridiculously far into everything, but I thought it worked wonderfully all the same haha.
Also, I'm so pleased you chose to tackle the typical, one-dimensional characterisation of Lucius. He can't be all bad, he must occasionally show remorse. You portrayed this wonderfully.
Overall, this was a lovey, enjoyable read. Well done!Author's Response: Hey Laura!
This fic turned out much darker than I intended, I even surprised myself at the end, but I think it was the music that made it so. The sonata itself is quite haunting, as you put it, so I suppose my words mirrored it in a way. JKR described Lucius as a broken man when he left Azkaban, and he would have become more so after the war ended. Since his family's fall from grace and switch of loyalties, he's done a lot of thinking. He put them through a lot, for reasons he thought at the time were good ones. I see Lucius as a family man, but a very proud one. The outcome of the war most likely did him a turn.
The short sentences weren't my intention, but you brought up an interesting point anyway. Callous. That's a lot like him, isn't it? Callous and matter-of-fact, with a thin outer layer of silk. I find most antagonists to have very well-rounded characterisations, and Lucius is a character I love to see this in the most. He has layers, but of course we aren't going to see them all in canon. One scene that struck me the most about him was in DH where he was begging Voldemort to let him go, so he could find his son. So no, he isn't all bad - at least not to me anyway ;).
Thank you for your review!
Hey there, it's Laura or Rose Wilts from the forums here with your review!
I don't really have anything negative and/or constructive to say about this fic - but I guess maybe that is good news to you.
It was really light and entertaining, but you didn't let it become a fic about nothing. It was nice seeing the bond between Scorpius and James. I really like the idea of them being friends - it's something I haven't seen written before, so well done on choosing such an original friendship.
I think you write very well. In a clear, not overly descriptive style that suits this piece very well. Great job! I thoughroughly enjoyed it!Author's Response: That is good news!
I'm glad you liked it, because I was honestly unsure of where it was going while writing it until I wrote what I wrote and it just happened. Lol. James and Scorpius just came to me as friends one day when I was thinking about how to make the ScoRose that I was writing different, then these two got their own prequel one-shots. Weird.
Anywho, thank you so much for the review!! I am so glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Once again, good, interesting chapter with really wonderful ideas - you just have to work on your execution. You really have to immerse yourself in the situation. I hope you don't think I'm evil for being so persistent with this - I'm honestly just trying to help you improve.
I mean, if the woman you loved had just been tortured in the most unimaginable way possible "you right 'mione?" What would the expression on his face be? What would the atmosphere in the room feel like? What would be running through your own mind? Would you be able to speak at all. Remember, it was the cruciatus curse that drove Neville's parents to insanity.
Just remembering little things like that will help this story to be even better. Still, really good work! Keep it up.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm definately going to add stuff in like emotions and that now you've mentioned it! Thank you again for reading and taking your time to review. :) Report Review
Something I've noticed in the first two chapters is that you have the tendency to change between present and past tenses. For example sometimes for write "I looked out the window and saw" and sometimes "I look out the window and see..." You just have to keep re-reading your work and stay consistent with that.
Another thing: I know how it feels to have a really great idea for a plot, so you just rush through or skip through the detail and emotion just so you can write out the exciting parts - but it's really important to try your hardest not to do this. A lot of the elements in your story are seeming very rushed. In this chapter you skipped from Fred and Hermione, Mrs Weasley going off, O.W.Ls very suddenly and then Draco torturing Hermione. Although they're all very good, interesting ideas, you need to work on drawing them out - because realistically, each event could be a chapter in its own right.
Anyway, you still have a very interesting, pleasantly written story going on here. Well done.Author's Response: Thanks again for the review and advice! I'm going to go back and rewrite some of those parts you pointed out now a bit, so I'll take your advice on board! Thanks for reading. :) Report Review
Hey there, it's Laura or Rose Wilts from the forums here to review!
Firstly, I think this is a really interesting premise for a story. I've never read any Hermione/George before, so props for choosing to write such an original ship.
As far as actual writing goes, you're definitely on the right track. You have a nice writing style and I think it definitely has the potential to be amazing.
The relationship between Hermione and George is seeming a little rushed. Is there going to be any mention of when the feeling started occurring for either of them? It also seems a little out of character for Hermione to be so flustered in his presence - assuming you want to follow the canon characterisation.
Otherwise - a strong, addicting start! Well done, reading on.Author's Response: Thanks for the advice and review! If I get the time I'll go back and add some of the stuff you suggested in. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hey there, It's Laura or Rose Wilts from the forums here with your review!
That was lovely! Short and sweet. I think making it any longer would have made it drag a little, so good work on choosing to leave it as it is.
As far as concept goes, I think it was a really original and new concept. I've read very little (try almost nothing) about Eileen and Tobias and absolutely nothing about their relationship. So I think it's great that you've chosen to take them on in this way. I really enjoyed the light tone you wrote it in. It seems that a lot of fic writers think that because they are Snape's parents they must be depressed all the time - so I'm glad you decided to challenge that.
I really enjoyed your characterisation as well. Whenever I've read anything involving these two characters they've been quite angsty and angry - so I'm glad you chose to portray them this way. They must have been in love once and I thought you managed to show that well. I also like they way you brought in the muggle vs magic aspect of their relationship. Well done!
Overall, that was a really lovely, enjoyable fic. Good work!Author's Response: Hello and thanks for the review!
I'm glad you liked the brevity of the piece. I only wanted to write one little scene and have it speak for itself.
You are right, not many people write about Eileen or Tobias, and when they do it's not all that happy. I think that there has to be something more besides that (this isn't Merope for Merlin's sake, that'd be cause for depression!). I don't think the relationship was perfect (I've put hints at that, little things that any other day would spark a fight) or that they were good parents, but I think that their relationship is a lot more complicated than most people write it.
Thanks so much!
-Houlestar Report Review
Hey there, it's Laura or Rose Wilts from the forums here with your review!
Firstly - wow. What beautiful prose you have! The way you write is just so captivating. I love the way you can write so much rich detail and such vivid descriptions and yet not have your writing seem overcrowded, as can often happened when people try to make their writing very descriptive. I thought your descriptions seemed almost like poetry, so bravo! I loved it. I'll choose just one section, though I could have picked any - I thought your description in this section was beautiful. When reading I thought I could almost have been watching a Sophia Coppola film or something. It was lovely. Here - "She wore a pale white dress and he could think of nothing else but the way her eyes flitted back and forth across the sky, it had made him pause, to look up and see what so fascinated her. It hadn't been simply tree branches, it had been little bits of dust and lost seeds floating through the summery air and flashing in the sunlight. He had stared long at those bits of nothing caught up and washed in golden light, swimming through the air and dancing like so many little faeries." So wonderful!
The only issue with grammar/spelling I picked up on was this - "He spoke to her I every way he knew and only sometimes was he sure she'd understood." Should that be "he spoke to her IN every..." Although admittedly, it's not my strong point.
As far as the actual plot goes - I am definitely intrigued. The only fics involving Albus or Gellert I've ever read are centred around their relationship. So well done on adding Ariana into the equation and creating something new and original! I love the idea of Gellert loving Ariana so wholly and yet never being certain if she loves him back.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Feel free to come back and re-request when the next chapter is up! This is a wonderful start.Author's Response: Hi Laura! Thanks so much for stopping by :) I fixed the grammar bit so it should be up soon.
Your review definitely made my day so thank so much :D I'll most certainly be coming back when another chapter is up! Again thanks so much!
~Ria Report Review
Hi! It's Rose Wilts from the forums here with your review.
Firstly, the concept of this story is wonderful. I wrote a fic with a similar theme a while ago now. I find it so unrealistic that James and Lily could have left Hogwarts, entered into the greatest wizarding war of all time, had a baby and felt no strain whatsoever on their relationship. So I'm so pleased you've chosen to take their relationship from this angle. I think you managed to portray it really well.
I don't often like songfics - I think that the lyrics disrupt the flow of the prose and as a person with a tiny mental capacity, that is really distracting for me haha. However, I actually found I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I don't think I've ever found a songfic where the lyrics have so perfectly suited the story. So props to you for tying it all in so well. I thought the way it was written, the lyrics could almost have been James's thoughts. Really well done!
In places I was torn. It sometimes seemed to me like you needed to decide what genre you wanted to write. Is it angst? Is it humour? I understand that it's James you're writing as, and obviously he's a humorous guy - but in a time such as this, you may find him rather less humourless. It's hard to say, really. This is an example of what I (very incoherently) am trying to say - "I don't think she's coming out this time. Nah, I wish... Okay, that was a joke. I would (probably) be very distraught if she never came out again." I think that the emotions and feeling your have there are all correct, but the words you have chosen to portray them are a little off, perhaps a little too casual? It's a hard call to make and I suppose it all depends on the way you wish to characterise your James. I know this is being so very nitpicky, and I apologise.
Also, I really loved this section. I think it was my favourite of the whole fic - "Harry doesn't make a sound, just slowly squeezes my finger tighter. He's been crying less and less as he nears his first birthday. It can't be natural. The silence of the house has permeated him-infected him." Beautiful writing!
Overall, I think you've done a really lovely job with this fic - you've got a nice writing style and have made an original take on an old relationship.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! I obviously agree that their relationship would have had its ups and downs - especially considering how differing their personalities are - in that sitaution. And the song the lyrics are from is one of my favorite and I think it fits, so I'm glad you agree. This being my first songfic, I wanted the lyrics to flow with and add to the story, so it's good to hear that they do!
I know that James's voice was inconsistent (sometimes it was too casual, as you said, and sometimes more eloquent and wordy), so I don't think you're being too nitpicky - and don't apologize for constructive critism! :) I appreciate it!
Again, thanks so much! Your review definitely made me day :) Report Review
I haven't been on HPFF in so long. It's so nice to come back and discover all of these chapters up. Back in the day when I was Pride of Portree's (not-so-fearless) captain haha. Ah, the memories are flooding back. This is lovely. Report Review
Can I just say, your authors note made me love this story already? :) Hahah, honestly it did. I was so excited to start reading. It' so refreshing to read a story that ISN'T romance- even though I'm guilty of pretty much only writing romance.
I love the idea of this and I think it's fantastic how you're writing about the dynamics between friends and the changes war brings out in people. I wrote a one-shot about Lily and James during the war, but it was definitely nothing of this magnitude! Hahah, so I'm definitely excited to be reading on.
Such a good first chapter! I particularly admired your characterisation of dumbledore. I don't think I've ever read him written well in fan fiction. Or maybe I just don't read enough? And I'm so glad you included Peter. Fantastic characterisation :)
Oh gosh, I'm sure you've heard this all a thousand times before. But I'm sure you deserve to hear it again.
LauraAuthor's Response: I'm so glad! I wanted people to know what to expect going into this story (some people are die hard romance fans, and some arent). If people are tired of reading about Lily's best friend who is pg with Sirius's baby and who is tragically killed in the war, then I wanted to let them know they've come to the right spot. It's such a long story, I feel like people NEED to know what its going to be like before they make that commitment.
I really like writing about friendship. I'm not sure why, even, because I don't have particularly awesome friends (they are nice, but nothing like the bond the Marauders have). But I think its one of the most remarkable relationships ever to be so intimate with other people and not have to be dating them :P As for writing about the war, it's just not something I've seen done overly much, and the few times I have seen it, the stories are really old (Forever Alive) and, I'm sorry to say, not very well written. So I just wanted to bring something more massive and more detailed to the fanfiction world :)
I used to hate writing Dumbledore, but now I quite like him. He's fun, and I hope my characterisation of him stays steady throughout. I've come to really like Peter, I think we can all relate to him even if we'd rather die than admit it. Unfortunately, he's taken a backseat in the story currently, but he has a pretty big role to play soon and will be making a comeback :)
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I haven't heard it THAT many times yet, and I still love when people review for me :D After all, if I didn't want to hear people's thoughts, I'd just write this for me and save it on my computer and not bother posting at all! Report Review
I think it's great how you're writing Lily/Scorpius and not Rose/Scorpius like everyone else. I'm loving it. Hahah, I'm sorry. I really don't have much to say. I'm just so caught up in all of this. You write fantastically. I love this!Author's Response: Yeah I originally had a Rose/Scorpius story written and up, but then halfway through I decided that they were actually kind of boring, not that I think people who write Rose/Scorpius or boring, but I thought Lily/Scorpius might be a bit more interesting since it is a bit more uncommon, and I am glad you think it is good. Thank you for review! It really makes me feel grand. Report Review
Heheh, another awesome chapter. I'm loving this whole 'high-profile' life you've created for them. I absolutely adore next-gen fics like this. You're writing this wonderfully so far. Reading on (:Author's Response: I figured I would make it a bit of the "darker" side of fame, which you will see more of if you continue to read on. Thank you for your review I really appreciate it! Report Review
Oh my gosh. I love this already! You've completely drawn me in. I'm loving everyone's characterisation so much. Wow, reading on (:Author's Response: I am glad you have started to enjoy it, and I hope you continue to. Thank you for your review! Report Review
Hey there. This was another great chapter. I absolutely loved this line- It was a fact that the boy had the IQ of a handful of floo powder. Hahah, I actually laughed out loud :)
You write really well. You descriptions and imagery are really good. I look forward to new chapters! :)
x LauraAuthor's Response: Thanks a zillion times over once again, Laura! You've brightened my day immensely!
I'm so happy to see that my writing style isn't too boring and lackluster those reading. I'm just a sucker for giving loads of details and trying to get myself right in the middle of what's happening. I've always thought that that's what really makes or breaks a story.
I must say, your wonderful reviews have certainly given me some much needed motivation to work on chapter three. And if I stay diligent, it should be ready to go whenever the queue closure ends on January 5th. I hope you'll give it a look when it's finally ready :)
As always, many thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts - you're amazing, amazing, amazing! Report Review
Hey :) This is a great first chapter. I'm really like Olivia's character so far. You write her well. She already seemed quite defined personality wise, so well done. This has taken my interest, I must say. I look forward to reading on!
x LauraAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review, Laura! This is the first actual Harry Potter fanfiction that I've done, and I'm just beyond words at everyone responding so well to it. I really, really cannot thank you enough.
There's still much to be seen from Olivia, no doubt, so I hope you continue to like her and the rest of the story that's to come. I'm finding that she's much easier for me to write than James, Lily, and all the other characters we know and adore. I can create her any way I want and just let it flow where it may!
But anyhow, you are so fantasticly wonderful, and I thank you again very much for your kind words. I do hope you'll keep checking in on the happenings of Miss. Avery and those crazy Marauders :) Report Review
This is simply amazing. I've never really be a Sirius/Remus shipper, but this has totally converted me.
Your writing is so beautiful. Your descriptions, the flow, just everything about the prose is so lovely. Hahah, I've totally fallen in love with this. It's perfect :)
x LauraAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! (and yay for more remus/sirius shippers!)
You're too kind *blushes* Thanks for the lovely review. Report Review
Hey there, Lovie :)
Before I rave on about how awesome and amazing you and this chapter are. Here are some small mistakes.
"as of of late" -- I'm assuming you just want the one 'of' :)
"He couldn’t even hide his laughter" -- I guess I should have picked up on this whilst beta'ing but, don't reuse laughter. Say 'amusement' or something.
"They both leaned in closer" -- you might want to put a full stop/period at the end of that sentence ;) I'm sorry, I'm being so bloody nitpicky. These are minor minor minor things.
I think that's it? Oh, and I like the 'bruised eye' ending much better :) Nice work there.
Rach, this chapter honestly is amazing. You've come to far as a writer. I have no idea where you're going with it, but I can't wait to find out. You're so great at building suspense and throwing in plot twists here and there. I so didn't see the Wood-attacked thing coming.
Amazing job, my lufflie :) I shall email you asap. Love!Author's Response: HI HI HI HI! I got all 25? of your emails. I can't remember how many exactly. and am now replying. COME ONLINE NOW! I LUFF YOU! Thank's so much for catching those mistakes too and for reviewing. I fixed the. :)
and thank you so much. I couldn't have came this far without you. LUFF YOU Report Review
Ohh my goodness :) I can not begin to explain how happy it makes me to find a HP/Supernatural crossover. Heheh, the best of both worlds. This is a great start, I love your writing style. I can't wait to read more :)Author's Response: XD I'm glad you are happy. Aw, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it and that you look forward to more! Report Review
That was lovely. Wow, you write so well. I especially love it. Haha. I don't read much next gen, but you're beginning to make me like it.
I like the letter from Harry. I've always thought the relationship between Harry and Teddy would be nice. You did a wonderful job.
I also expecially loved this line "the summery weather was reluctant to concede to autumn's chill."
It was beautiful!
You write so well :)
xxAuthor's Response: Aw, thank you! *blushes* Not a Next Gen reader, huh? To tell the truth, neither am I. But for some reason, when this idea came to me, I HAD to use Teddy. He just fits perfectly! :)
You know what, I think you\\\'re the second person to point out that line. Haha. I\\\'m so flattered! Thanks again! *huggles* Report Review
Hey there, Gina :) It's Laura (laura&co'' from TGS)!
I decided it was about time I started to read some of your fics. I didn't know which one to pick, they all look so good!
I'm intrigued. I liked this, you write really well! I can't wait to read on. Poor little Teddy. Haha, I suppose there's not much to say, but it was a great start to the story.
I think I'll read on :)
xxAuthor's Response: Hey, Laura! *hugs* So glad you stopped by for a read. :) I\'m glad you chose to read this one. It\'s a very simple, laid back piece, but I\'m rather proud of it. I\'m lacking inspiration for it at the moment, though. Heh.
Anyway, thanks again for stopping by. I really appreciate it! Report Review
Holy POO! That was flippin' amazing! :)
I loved it. Never in a million years would I have thought of doing something like this for Ginny. I loved it. You write so wonderfully. I loved the repeating phrase at the start of each section. And I liked the fairytale-esque introduction.
It was all so fabulous! :)
x Laura Report Review
Wow, that was amazing!
Oh my goodness, it was so beautiful, I wanted to cry :) I loved it. You write so amazingly. I think you captured the character of percy wonderfully as well. Oh gosh! This was just so great. I loved it!
x Laura Report Review
How cow, Shelby!
I'd heard you were a good author... but I had no idea.
That was brilliant, seriously, I'm in tears. I loved it... wow, I'm so jealous. That was so beautiful. I just don't get how people can say so much in so few words like that. It's a gift. It was amazing and I loved it.
xx LauraAuthor's Response: Laura! Hi -waves-
I'm no good author! Who has been telling you these lies?
I hate to know that I made you cry, but that's the reaction I was going for! :D Jealous, don't be silly!
I'm so very glad that you liked it! Thank you so much, m'dear!
Shelby Report Review
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