I really enjoyed it so far and can't see where this story is headed!! I really love you're writing style and the idea is very exciting- I want to know what the lost object is already!
Think you should know though- this chapter currently has the chapter and then the same chapter again. You must have pasted it in twice or something!
Please update soon ;)
Lily Report Review
Aw, I just fell in love with this storey straight away! It's really well written and all the characters you've introduced so far have been really interesting and believable. I was impressed at how well you managed to write from the POV of girls and guys equally well- since the majority of people (including myself) aren't much good at writing as the opposite sex.
I like the POVs so please try and stick with first person rather then going into third! It really is worth the effort. :)
I didn't really understand the jar of hearts comment myself- what exactly was Scorpius trying to say? :s
Anyway I love the look of all the different romances that are brewing (my fave so far is Rose/Scorpius.)
Congrats- a great first chapter and I can't wait for more!
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff) Report Review
It was a really nice first chapter and I can't wait to see where things go from here!
I like Rose and the narration but it does seem pretty young- not mature enough to be in 7th year. But maybe that's just because they were all messing around and being silly. I'll have to read on to see I guess.
On the whole it was fun and enjoyable to read, so I'll be reading the next chappie asap to see how things progress!
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff) Report Review
This seems like a really promising start and I can't wait to read chapter 2!
April is an interesting new character and I hope you build upon her in later chapters. :)
In terms of your writing style I can't gauge much so far but description seems to be your strengh, whilst I think you should work on making your dialogue more natural.
A good start overall,
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff) Report Review
Awww, i thought she was.gonna get that first kiss she wants so much! In another chapter hopefully... ;)
The more I read of this the more I love it! Your Ginny is really relatable and realistic. Your Draco's definitely growing on me too!
The bit with Hermione seemed a bit strained to me but apart from that I have no other CC for this chapter :)
Can't wait for the next one to come up!
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff)Author's Response: How fast can you read? Like seriously. :O
You're quite awesome, you know that? xD
I added the Hermione bit because I didn't want to outright ignore the trio in my story. Besides, I had a reason to add that part. You'll find out in the next chapter ;) Report Review
Hey hey hey,
so a bit of sexual tension starting to brew then ;) i think you're writing styles improving more with every chapter! I really enjoyed this one and can't wait to see what happens next.
My favourite thing about this storey so far is that, unlike so many other romance storeys, you aren't just writing about things that happen when they're together- you put things in about lessons and stuff which makes the storey way more realistic.
Need to run off to read the next chappie now!
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff)Author's Response: So now you're saying I don't need a beta anymore? :P
I am glad you're enjoying the story so far. I think, this chapter is, by far, my favourite ^_^ Report Review
oh, things are getting interesting... I wasn't sure when this storey was set but I'm guessing it's during the trios 6th year and that's why Draco got upset by the deatheater comment?
I kind of liked the whole green (harry's eye colour) to grey (draco's eye colour) thing but I also thought it was a bit obvious. It would have been good if you'd done it a bit more subtly!
Can't wait to see what Draco does when he wakes up!
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff)Author's Response: It's the trio's 7th year and Ginny's 6th year. This book ignores HBP and DH. Now that I think about it, it probably ignores quite a few other major things too. Eh anyway, I started writing it and this is how it turned out. lol. Report Review
Hey again :)
Ahahaha, first let me just say that this chapter was pretty hilarious and very enjoyable to read!
I still feel like your Draco is a tad out of character (not smirky enough) but it's not too bad.
I'm getting into your writing style and it flows pretty well but now and then it feels a bit disjointed or doesn't quite make sense. Maybe you should proof read it a bit more or get a beta?
Overall really good fun
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff)Author's Response: Sadly, I don't have a beta. I wish I had one though :(
Also, if you want a non-OOC Draco, you'll find him in my other fic - Obliterated. I assure you, it's not a dull read ;)
Thanks for sticking to The Dare. I know it's not perfect, but I have immense fun writing it ^_^ Report Review
Hey, I'm back :)
Well, this chapter was certainly interesting and pretty funny! I like the fact that you say stuff about her classes- it makes the story more real rather than just concentrating on the Draco/Ginny stuff :) I like the character you've created for Ginny but I feel as if you're Draco isn't quite right somehow- for example, if he wants to humiliate her by making her do the dare, why is he not telling anyone?
The bigger boob bit was also a bit odd, how it just happened and then you carried on and I was like 'wait up, he was just staring at her boobs... is this not a big deal?'
Also, how come when he asked for a massage she could just say no? Doesnt she have to do what he said?
Anyways, an entartaining chapter!
Off to read the next one now :)
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff)Author's Response: Haha. Hi again xD
To answer your question, Draco doesn't need to tell anyone about anything. It's not about that. It's about seeing that priceless expression on Ginny's face every time he tells her "you're late" or "here's my homework." Also, don't forget that he DID make her wear that hideous frock. But I guess you hadn't reached that part then. lol. Anyway, my draco is pretty different. I made him partly mean, partly loveable. I like it that way, coz this is not a very serious story.
So tell me, why did you find the boob bit odd? Men stare at boobs. In fact, 'I' stare at boobs too (sometimes *cough*) and Draco Malfoy is someone who would probably notice such a difference, what with being termed as the Sex God by fanfiction authors (not that he is a sex god in my fic, but I digress.)
And...ah yes, the massage thing. If you remember, they agreed on a no touching rule. ;)
You ask a lot of questions, Miss Nitpicky. :P
But I don't mind at all. You're a lovely reviewer. Glad to have you on board xD Report Review
Firstly I was enticed into reading this story by the title, which I think you chose really well! It's short and snappy and makes the story sound really exciting. I also really love your banner :)
Anyway, on to the first chapter- my favourite thing was that you didn't give away what the dare was untill the end so when I was reading I was like 'ohhh, what is this dare??' and couldn't stop.
I have two bits of CC- the bit were it goes 'Ginny woke up with a start...' seemed a bit random to me since there had been no break or indication that time had passed. Maybe you could put some * in before it to show the time has passed? Also, I didn't like that Malfoy said sorry when she told him to interupt- it seemed a bit OOC.
I haven't really got a feel for your writing style yet so I'll say a bit about that in a later review,
(InspiredL, Hufflepuff)Author's Response: Hello Lily. Your username sounds very familiar. Maybe talked on the forums or tda...?
Anyway, so... about the break thing. I usually add a couple of spaces between two paragraphs if I want to show some time has passed. Maybe one of the spaces got eaten by the hpff crash monster or something. :P But I'll definitely try to pay attention next time. Report Review
aww I'm absolutely loving this story and feel near to tears now I realise it hasnt been updated in like 2 years so probably never will be :'(
It's really great and well written and please oh please oh please return to me and update!
Lily :D Report Review
exciting!! loving the tension you create between albus/gypsy! i just hope they dont go all lovey dovey after one date- cause i like the tensiony love-hate stuff ;)
must hurry onwards! Report Review
Once, again, I want to run off to the next chappie but I just thought I'd quickly say that I'm love love lovin this story :P
It's short and kind of pathetic I know but I love getting reviews, even short ones, so I'm trying to get in karmas good books...
Lily :D Report Review
it's just going to be a quick review I'm afraid as I want to get onto the next chappie!!
I found this story by searching 'next gen' and 'bad boy' and I'm glad to say it seems exactly what I was looking for! It's well written and I can already tell that Albus is going to be a pretty goshdarnsexy character ;P
I just hope you drag it out, cause I hate stories like this when girls cave in really quickly to guys they apparently 'hate'...
Lily :) Report Review
Hey again :)
First, I'll answer you're questions (I like to have order in my reviews)-->
1- Nope, I'm more surprised the ministry weren't called straight away as using the cruciatus curse in hogwarts would be like stabbing someone multiple times in school so the authorities would be called in and even if she can't go to azkaban they would have some sort of young offenders type prison (sorry, I'm not going to let this go, I just think it's really unrealistic :/)
2- He seems nice, haven't really got a feel for his character yet, I like his mind reading abilities though :)
4- Probably Kali, but for some strange reason I want to say James... (maybe cause I feel sorry for him for having the cruciatus done on him and the person only getting expelled from school... ok I'll stop going on about it, promise.)
5- Don't really know what it is, sorry if that shows some sort of emptiness in my childhood so far :/
6- Um, not really surprised that they used to be friends, more surprised that they've gone from being friends to casting unforgivable curses on each other (I'm keeping to my promise, but I bet you know what I want to add here ;P)
7- She hit him with a cruciatus curse then too and escaped punishment? Sorry, I need to get over that...
8- No wayy, unless if maybe it's to one of the potter's or weasley's cause that would make an interesting story (OMG, am I a legilimense too? Please tell me I am??)
9-Not really, didn't know it was a big deal :/ Don't really get how it is either tbh, since Hogwarts should definitely have told the Ministry of Magic about the unforgiveable curse since if they didn't something is seriously wrong with the management of the place.
10- She is going to have to marry James Potter, or one of the other Potters/Weasleys (Albus being second most likely candidate.)
Right now onto my CC section (I've decided to do a listy review)-->
1-Work on sentance structure- can be hard to keep up with now and then. I like the stream of consciousness stuff but make sure it's done in a comprehensible way :)
2- Narrative can be a bit ditached at points- like when she's talking about her mother/father, I'd like to know how she feels about it? Does she hate Draco? Does she resent Astoria?
3- If Scorpius can't get into girls dorms- how did she get into his room the night before? I'll let you off on this one though cause JK slips up on it a bit in HP and the stair slide but was funny :P
4- If she casted a cruciatus spell in school she wou *claps hand over mouth* Ok, ok, I'll shut up about it and let you make your own decision.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter too, and will probably come back for the next if it's not too long a wait! It's nice, easy-to-read stuff but would really be improved by a beta. It will be more of light reading, and it's quite light-hearted and fun but I don't think I can quite take it insanely seriously as a few things just make it a tad unrealistic for me (guess what they are?? ;P)
Well done though, and keep up the good work!
ps- wow that was a long review, sorry :/Author's Response: 1.My god! You can't even begin to imagine how much I want to tell you right now! But I can't because it's stuff you'll need to find out as the story goes... 2. anyway, just please bear with me for the first few chapters! Keep in mind that all of this is from a teen's POV. A teen whom people don't trust... *hint hint* Lets just say she isn't up to date on everything. 3. I think everyone agrees!^^ 4. James as favorite character? Interesting... James is kinda hard to figure out but he's a good kid^^ 5. You don't know Happy Bunny!!! O.O Your missing something! 6. Yeah, they've gone a long way! 7. Okay, my story might be a tad unrealistic but not THAT much! Jeez... 8. I'll keep this mysterious... 9. Things here WILL clear up in chapter 3. A lot of things clear up in chapter 3, 4 and 6 (5 is a little weird) 10. Not exactly. 1. I'll do my best! 2. That was on purpose though (at least for her parents it is), you'll figure out a little more about that in the next chapter 3. If you re-read HP (I don't remember which one) it states That girls can get into guy dorms, but guys can't get into girl dorms. 4 No comment.
PS: Don't be: I love long reviews!
~LL Report Review
Well firstly I'll just say that this was a very enjoyable chapter to read and I'll definitely read the next one. However for me there was one main fault that I just can't get my mind around- the cruciatus curse is an unforgivable curse and Kali would be sent to Azkaban prison- not given a detention! I'm sorry to say this but that just completely ruined the story for me as it made it so unbelievable. I think just hitting James and duelling with Albus would have got her a detention- maybe you could miss out the crucio? You're the author though, so it's up to you!
My second piece of CC (constructive criticism) is Kali's name- to me it just sounded a bit silly :/ I like the idea behind it but this really is too much of a good thing! I think just the Kali is good and you don't need the Kadavra or Hallows on the end of it (just a normal/known death eater last name). If you do want to keep the name, then please give some reason for it- cause I think every reader will be like 'who on earth would name their child that? and why??' But as I said before, it's up to you, your the author.
Now, on from the CC just so you don't think I'm just having a go! This was a really good first chapter- you're writing style flows well and is light and easy to read. You really managed to get Kali's character across in the narration, so I felt that I could completely understand what she was feeling at each point! I also really liked the character of Kali, particularly the use sarcasm/dry humour/irony (never know which is which), which was really funny and well done!
Overall it was a fun chapter to read with a good idea behind it and this story seems really promising! However I can tell from it that you are quite new to writing and for that reason think it may be a good idea for you to get a beta from the forums.
Lily :)Author's Response: Don't worry about the detention. You see, when McGonagall appeared, she didn't have all the information. She just saw Albus and Kali fighting, as well as James in the hospital wing. She didnt have all the info. Azkaban IS mentionned (as youll see in chapter 2) and not just in chapter 2. Youll have to see that for yourself though!! And dont worry the name DOES have a reason, Kali just doesnt know it yet ;) In any case Im glad you liked Kali! Thanks for reviewing!!^^
~LL Report Review
Heyy, this is my last review, as they come in three's, but if you want more please do re-request as I LOVE this story so far!
Firstly, before I answer you AN questions, a little question of my own: has Sirius been to the club before? You said he heard about it from Alicia, but when he's describing it it seems as though he knows the place so I got a bit confused.
Now, I'll answer you're questions :) I thought it was marvellously written and very exciting (there were a few spelling mistakes like last time but nothing too off-putting/distracting.) It is very very interesting and I definitely want to read on (I probably will, but won't leave a review unless you request, since they take up quite a lot of time.) It was definitely my favourite chapter so far and the chapters seem to be improving as I go along!
I do wonder why she treated him that way though, because what we've seen of Anya didn't seem to fit with what happened in this chapter. I know she's scared of Sirius and easily annoyed but she did seem quite kind of full of herself here in the way she blew him off and kept calling him 'boy'. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but she seemed like a different person then in the other chapters (maybe that's just what drink and the club does to her though?)
I really like all the characters you have so far and think this is a great story! It's really exciting and although the chapters are very long they are not at all boring to read and you really get pulled into the narrative. You are great at getting the atmosphere across and all the vocab you use is really effective, impressive and original.
Hope this was helpful,
Lily :)Author's Response: HI HI HI!!! SO happy you like it well enought to want to read on. Its ok if you dont review, Im just glad that you enjoy it. Thanks for telling me that!
I didnt realise that Sirius's POV gives off that vibe, but the point was to have him go there for the first time, yes. On the othr hand, he has been to plenty of othr clubs before, and he isnt easily surprised by hard edges and extremes. This is what I wanted to show, but I'll make sure to revise this chapter to make it come out more clearly.
Knowing that you liked this chapter was an extreme relief and an amazing good thing to know. Im so glad that you think its written well and that it makes you want to read on. Improving as you go along - seriously, there is not better compliment! THANK YOU!!!
That was the point, to make her look like a different person. She was kind of drunk and scared sh...tless, and that made her act in a way she would have never had the place been with a little more light and less crowded.
One of the things I want to get throught with this story is that there are so many faces to the same person and they show up only in different situations. You never know what you have in you, wha you're capable of, until you're put throught a good deal of strain and pressure.
Thank you so very much for the amazing reviews, your kind words, your criticism and pointitng out my spelling mistakes. I apriciate every word. Really thank you! Report Review
Heyylo again :)
Ok, I didn't mention this last time because I thought it might be explained and it's really annoying when people ask questions that are answered in the next chapter but I'm still confused about whether or not all the people she knows are magical, or just Alicia? Also, if she's at Hogwarts how does she manage to attend ballet lessons? Because I don't think it's likely that she would be as good as she is just having lessons in the school holidays :/
I noticed more spelling mistakes but didn't have time to do all the copying and pasting stuff. It's all pretty easy-to-spot stuff, though. If you read through, I'm sure you'd notice it all yourself. It was mostly letters missing or added on and there was some more 'thought's instead of 'though's.
The flow of this chapter was nice and it seemed like more seems to be happening, which is good because if the pace had stayed the same throughout it could have got a bit boring.
I like the character Alicia and she seems nice. You show relationships well and I like the way that Anya is annoyed by a lot of her friends (as most people are in real life) but not so much that it's just like 'why are you friends with her then'?
The plot is really good so far and I am definitely being pulled in! I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter!
Hope this was helpful,
Lily :)Author's Response: Hi! Only Alicia is a whitch, all the rest of the girls Ive talked about are muggles. About how Anya manages to keep hrself in the best shape, I wanted to show taht once she is at Hogwarts, tell about a normal (or kind of) day she has when she is at school. Fact is, Anya takes the minimum number of classes and she spends all the reast of her day practicing (its not impossible, the dancers at the Vaganova Academy take both ballet and normal classes)
I apologise about the spelling mistakes, I know that its annoying to see weird words in places they shouldnt be. I honestly do my best at editing, Im just not any good at it.
Also, I'm glad that you like Alicia. She is going to be a sidekick in this story, but Ive thought her as the contrary to Anya's characters and mannerisms. Its good to know that Anya doesnt come off as a spoiled brat when she gets irritated at her friends.
Again thank you for the great review. Report Review
Heyy, I am so sorry this has taken such a horrible amount of time :/
Well, before I get on to the boring stuffs let me just say this- WOW! I love it, it took a while to get into at first because it starts off quite slow but by the end I was glued to my laptop reading this! I really like Anya and can't wait to read more.
Your writing style is very good and flows wonderfully. However now and then it can seem to drag simply because you go into every tiny thing in so much detail (I came to like this by the end of the chapter but at the beginning I found it a bit irritating.)
You're punctuation is very good but I noticed quite a few spelling mistakes which is why I think this would benefit from a beta! Here are some mistakes I noticed (after a while I gave up copying and pasting I'm afraid, but a quick read through should solve most stuff) ->
"she picked up her pencil and started underlying"-underlining would make more sense to me personally.
"there was nothing not even remotely godlike about them"- I don't think you need the not here.
"So with the buss coming" - should not be double s
"Margo Fontain"- Margo Fonteyn
"You always stay late there days thought"- though, possibly don't need the 'there days' (one of your most common mistakes was putting 'thought' instead of 'though').
"the ‘come one’ that the blonde threw at her." - wasn't sure about this, do you mean 'come on'?
Moving away from the silly negatives here is what I decided was my favourite line out of the whole chapter-
"Anya clapped a metaphorical hand over her metaphorical mouth, stopping the blabber in her head."
It just made me chuckle and showed really nice character. You are great at portraying a voice through your narrative and it is sometimes very entertaining to read.
I hope this was helpful and am now off to read and review the next chapter!
Lily :)Author's Response: Hello there! Good to hear from you, no matter when. Im so so infinitely glad that you liked this story! I have been told about the too much detail before and I revised all of thee story Ive written so far, to make it easier to read. I apriciate that you told me though.
Seriously, you liking Anya is a great thing to be told. I had to make her more relatable and less cold when I edited this. But I liked keeping her a little edgy. I dont want her to be totally liked, I wanted her to be real.
You cant imagine how much i long for a beta, but my requests arn't being picked up at the forum and everytime i try to reead throught it again, I always miss things. I think its because I know how its supposed to be written so my eyes cant catch the mistakes.
It really was helpful, because now Im going to edit out the mistakes you pointed out and if I can, Ill try to downply a little of the decription at the begining. Report Review
Firstly, thank you very much for completing my challenge and congratulations on your first challenge and one-shot!
Ok, I really loved the opening section of this and how you fitted the quote into the piece, it worked well. I was intrigued and wanted to find out who the speaker was and where they were.
When they said they were in Azkaban I figured the crazy laughing person was Bella (who else?) and managed to guess from the subtle hints you gave who it was :) Then obviously 'R. Lestrange' at the end confirmed what I had thought :)
I liked the overall story and the idea behind it, though I would have loved it even more if it was a bit longer!
You're writing style is really individual and nice to read, the way you phrase things is original but still makes sense. I noticed a few sentences I didn't get though:
I can be your conscience with you want to. (if you want to maybe?)
I lost track long time ago (should be a long time ago)
What I did violent to people was necessary. (what violence I did to these people was necessary (but that still doesn't make complete sense.))
I aso noticed a few times when the tense changed which was confusing. I think maybe you could get a beta to help with this because it would improve the flow a lot!
Well done though, I really enjoyed reading this and think you write very well!
Lily :DAuthor's Response: Yay thanks. I just wanted to say that it should have been all a leter, but ToS don't let the whole story to be a letter or a diary entry...
-Vi. Report Review
Awww, it was really good!
Very enjoyable to read and the characters all really made me chuckle, as did the narration (which was hee-larious :P)
The story was cute and I liked the ending!
Well, done, this was very well written (would possibly improve with a beta but no glaring problems that I noticed) and flowed nicely.
Lily :DAuthor's Response: heyyy :D
yay! it was good! yours was FAB :) I'm glad you liked it after so much time of waiting! (would have been dissapointing if after all this buildup it had sucked, right?) lol. thanks! Report Review
Heyy, InspiredL here from the forums with your rewiew (I know what you're thinking, wow I was fast getting this to you wasn't I? :P)
Ok, first of all let me just go 'AW!!' like I was all the way through reading this! Hehe, seriously, it was one of the sweetest things I've ever read, ever! :)
You're writing style if perfect, spelling and grammar are spot on, as is word usage. The whole thing flowed wonderfully and was very very easy to read because I was completely sucked in by it! I had one piece of CC... near the end you write "he could only hope that he didn’t hate her for it." I'm pretty sure that this is a bit of a typo and that you mean "she didn't hate him for it." Not a biggy, just thought I should let you know! :)
The characterisation of all the children was perfect! Pertunia was the annoying, stormy offy, younger sister. Lily was sweet but slightly bossy and just how I would have imagined a young Lily to be. Snape was a bit odd and was completely in love with Lily. I also loved his back story and it was soo sad how his dad was like a drunk and stuff...
The things they said seemed just right for young kids and it was hilariously how seriously they all took the marriage. Also the conversation between Severus and Lily about kissing and babies made me laugh :)
The idea was really sweet and it made me so sad at the end to think of little Lily outside in the cold waiting for Severus and him being locked up and not able to get to her!
There was not one thing I would have changed in this story! It was absolutely amazing and a joy to read. I like it so much I have added it to my favourites!
Thanks so much for requesting a review! I hope this is good!
Lily ^_^Author's Response: Wowzers. What a whopper of a review.
Thanks so much for all your lovely compliments. many of the reasons you like the story were what I was going for. I tried to think back to my days on the jungle gym during recess where we used to play around with such nonsense. Unfortunately, it was harder to write about Severus' more difficult life at home. I myself, thank goodness, never had to experience something like that.
There are still some grammar mistakes floating around in this story, haven't had it beta'd yet, but its a good reason to go in and tweak!!
I really appreciate the review and your thoughtful comments. Take care!
Heyy again (this will be my last review for now since there are no more chapters *sniffs* but feel free to re-request once you get a new one up!)
Ok, I will quickly address a little thing that is irritating me before I begin, she says she's 19 years old, but in the last chapter you said she was 7 when he parents where put into Azkaban at the end of the wizard war. This would make James a maximum of 12 years old, and Albus less. I think you just need to sort out a way of making the time frame make sense...
Anyway, onto the story... which is FABULOUS! There are a few weird mistakes here and there but over all I really love your writing style and the abstract way in which this story is told. If I were you I would definitely ask for a beta though! :)
The plot is really intriguing and individual! I can't wait to read how it is going to end! Is she going to fall in love with one of them? Is she going to tear them apart like she plans??
I really like your Hesper character, even though she is clearly quite crazy and pretty evil. She is written really well and it seems like she has a lot of depth (though she could have even more I think if you add in more bits about things like her childhood maybe). Her character comes across really well in the narration and you use some really good language. I especially love the constant referral's to Snow White.
I do feel like some of the other characters lack this depth however and maybe they could be expanded on a little (for example Estrella is an intriguing character that way more could be written about!) Though I do understand that it is hard to expand other when you are writing in first person.
I really love this story so far and am going to add it to my favourites! Please do feel free to re-request reviews once the next chapter is up!
Hope my reviews have been helpful!
Lily ^_^Author's Response: Again, the same thing. Hesper's parents were wannabe Death Eaters. In think I shoul make that clear in other chapters.It's quite hard for me, I planned this story to have only 3 chapters...Now it's going to have 5. Well, I'm glad you like it!
-Vi. Report Review
Heyy, InspiredL here from the forums! Sorry it took me so long to get round to this (I won't bore you with all my boring excuses.) I will try to write you a long review as compensation... :)
Ok, first off, I really LOVE the idea for this story! I mean, it makes perfect sense that someone would want revenge on Harry Potter since he put so many in prison and stuff!
My only CC of the plot is that I was a bit confused about your character, Hesper. If she is a Lestrange, why wouldn't she mention the loss of any of her brother's as well as her parents? I think maybe you should just use the last name of a random death eater we don't know much about, but it's up to you obviously. Also, if she was seven at the end of the war then she would be significantly older then James/Albus. My only suggestion on improving this is that maybe her mother could give birth to her whilst in Azkaban (she would have had to be pregnant when she went in obviously) then maybe the ages would be a bit closer...
The plot seems a bit rushed and I'd love to read a longer version of it but I get that you might not want to enter into writing a Novel/la if you don't have time and it still works like this.
The characterisation of Hesper is really good and after just one chapter I really feel like I know her and feel for her. It's good that you're writing a story from the point of view of the descendant of a death eater, because so many people just write next gen fics as being all happy and perfect now that Voldemort is gone, when in reality there would still be a lot of evil witches/wizards around out to get Harry.
There were a few spelling/grammar mistakes but it's a lot better then other stories I've read that are written by people who speak English as their first language so well done! (Maybe you could get a beta though, as that would help to improve the flow of the story greatly!)
This is a really great first chapter and it has pulled me in completely. I really love the idea and the characters and you're writing style is really easy and enjoyable to read!
On to the next chapter!
Lily ^_^Author's Response: Thank you! The idea about Hesper's parents is that her father was probably son of Rabastan or Rudolphus Lestrange. Hesper was born after the second war. And I already found my beta (YAY!) Again, thank you for reviewing!
-Vi. Report Review
Heyy, it's InspiredL here from the forums (so so so so so so sorry this has taken so long!!)
Firstly, I would like to say that I really like the spin you have on the cliched new girl goes to Hogwarts shebang. It's really nice to see a lesbian character in a story that had depth and isn't just insanely stereotyped. There are loads of slash stories with male/male pairings but I've not seen many with female/female so this should be a really interesting story! And well done for not going with the norm!
You're writing style is good but I did notice a few minor spelling/grammar mistakes and phrases that didn't read quite right. None of them were big enough to be a proper problem though!
I like the Genna character you have created and she seems really interesting so far. At first I thought she didn't seem upset enough about her dad having cancer because she explained it quite matter-of-factly but I guess when you're living with something like that you have to get used to it. Also, I started to see how she really loves her dad and hates thinking about him dying and is just trying to have as much fun with him as possible whilst he is around. I think that's a good attitude to have so good on her.
I can't comment too much on things like plot yet since this is just an introductory chapter but I will say that it was a really pleasant read and very enjoyable! It flowed well and did exactly what a first chapter should really... it introduced the characters, got the plot started and made the reader interested!
Hope this was helpful, feel free re-request when next chapter is validated if you want another review!
Lily ^_^Author's Response: Thank you a million times for this review! It really helped a lot and let me know that things were okay with this. I just really hope I can live up to my ideas! Thank you again! :D Report Review
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