This is gorgeous. First of all, I love the idea you have for this short story collection. It's a really good idea. I've never read anything about the creation of the Order and I think it could be really interesting reading about it from multiple points of view. The opening for this is just... wow. Really powerful and really effective. I wish I could write like that, dude. Srsly.
I love how you've used present tense. It's really fitting for some reason. I don't usually like it but you've written it really well with no obvious slip ups.
Your characterisation of Minerva is beautiful. You have her spot on. She's her typically concerned self and is really weary about everything and willing to question Dumbledore. Dumbledore is also fantastic. At first I thought he was a little too tight lipped and cryptic about what was going on, and almost cold towards Minerva, but after the story went on a little more I could see that he wasn't at all. In fact, you've got Dumbledore down to a T, in my opinion.
This is a very beautiful opening, and I'll be reviewing more of this later. I have a review extravaganza to ace so this shall help me in my quest haha :D I'm thinking about giving it a favourite too. It's a really stunning idea and really well executed, so far. I applaud you :)
LorrenAuthor's Response: Eugh, I don't even know what else to say except thank you so much for such a nice review. It's definitely appreciated! I hope you enjoy the remaining chapters. :) Report Review
This shows that you have the potential to be a very good writer. You've written how she's feeling without really writing how she's feeling at all. You've just eplained her situation and allowed the audience to make their own assumptions of her emotions.
I really loved the cloud analogy, and I thought this line was really beautiful "The clouds had been white as she flew among them."
There's a little typo I caught in the 9th paragraph. "Well, no [one] was asking you to stick your big nose in[,] were they?" You also have a bit of a problem with punctuation where dialogue is concerned. I don't know how long ago you wrote this (I didn't check :D) so it may be that you've improved since then. If you haven't then in Writers Resources on the forums there are plenty of things to help with that, I believe :)
You've really captured Ginny's fiery personality well. I can really see her thinking she needs to be tough to prove herself strong to her brothers, and using the extendable ears too. I could really feel her get upset when she heard Harry say it wouldn't happen again. It's rare that I feel for Ginny, but I really did here. Well done. It's almost as if she regrets loving him which is really heart breaking. Something like that should never be regretted.
I also really love how you've managed to write her feeling so left out. First she's the only girl in her family, she's been rejected by Harry and now her friends are leaving her alone. That's a thing a lot of people can empathise with.
Great story :) There are a few mistakes, and your grammar in speech needs to be looked at but the story itself is very good. I enjoyed it very much anyway, and I don't often like Ginny fics :)
Lorren. Report Review
You've really captured Harry here. His reluctance to let go of something as precious to him as the cloak is really realistic, as we've seen in the books how attached he gets to objects and people.
The short sentence where you just say "He had a proper family now" is brilliant. A big paragraph full of long sentences then the most important thing is just in this tiny sentence. You genius ;)
Oooh, I like how he hasn't given James the cloak first year, as he was given it. I always thought that was a little silly of Dumbledore anyway, giving such a little kid something so... BIG like the invisibility cloak. I suppose Harry did seem fairly grown up though, huh?
I think it's a little weird how Harry just told James about giving him the cloak all in one, but at the same time it has the same kind of simplicity that JKR uses in her writing, so you can put your own action and emotion into it.
Hahahahaha! James the troublemaker ^_^ Hahahaha. Your Ginny reminds me a lot of Molly, but I really like that. She was really fiery in the books, just like Molly, and I can really see her turning out to be the same kind of mother as HER mother was.
Sophia, my love, this is brilliantly simple. I've never read a fic on this story line :D I saw no errors with spelling or grammar, so you're all cool on that 'n' junk. Weel dooone! :)Author's Response: I love this review, Lorren! You've picked up on the parts I was happy with AND the parts I wasn't sure about. ^_^
Harry is a character I've struggled with in the past, but I'm glad you think I wrote his character alright. :) James definitely is a troublemaker and one I hope to write more about in the future. :)
Thank you! :D
-Sophia Report Review
This is a lovely first chapter, Tasha! You write descriptions very well, and you don't overload the reader with them either.
I like the little bit of Pippa's characterisation that we get from this chapter. So far, though, she does seem a fair bit like Rose, but I think that's just down to the chapter being so short. She doesn't seem as sure of herself as Rose and seems to need more reassurance, than fiery!Rose ^_^
I saw no mistakes throughout the chapter, so there are no corrections that need to be made. It's a definite "like" from me for this. Well done for such a hooking first chapter. I can't wait for others :)
Lorren.Author's Response: Hello Lorren (:
Thank you, and thanks for reviewing! It really is very useful, as I've realised since writing on here.
Writing Pippa as similar to Rose was fairly unintentional, but in the coming chapters I hope to differentiate them a little, along with another girl I want to introduce.
Thanks again, and also for looking for mistakes; I don't have a beta and I don't really want one, but it's hard sometimes to see mistakes in huge chunks of text. There are some things that even Word can't fix.
~Tasha Report Review
Hullo! I said I was reading this and now, look! I'm reviewing too.
"nubby" -giggles- such a funny word.
I love how animated Boris is. At first I thought he was Hagrid (you described him as giant, so I just presumed ^.^). He seems really gruff and angry at James but then he seems to genuinely care too. It's interesting. I'm kind of hoping James returns to him but at the same time I don't really know what's going on yet! Argh! Haha :)
Do you mind if I be a bit picky? "...causing a bit of cries of shock from on the other side of the wall." This sounds a little weird, and looks like you were going to write something else before you changed your mind and went onto something else. Just thought I'd point it out :)
I quite like James, though I'm still a bit unsure of him as you haven't revealed too much. He seems really troubled, but I don't yet know why. I need to know more! :)
I like how much of a mystery this is, and I think one more chapter and I'll be hooked. Very good start. I hope I remember to come back to this, so I can see the story really get underway. I like the chapter length too. I prefer reading short first chapters, so I can get hooked into a story first before commiting a lot of time to it. Well done :DAuthor's Response: Jazzeh! You are so awesome at multi-tasking. And thank you for this awesome review! I will go back and fix that because I think you are right :P I tend to do that a lot. Your review is awesome and I love it. I will definitely update this soon and be sure to tell you about it ;D Thanks Jazzeh.
-Sarah Report Review
^.^ That last line made me squee so much!
Harry's story is beautiful. This could really fit in with canon, which is what I love, even though I usually dispise Harry/Ginny... this has made me like the pairing a little more :) (but in this fic... I LOVE IT -Iadmitit- The characterisation of Harry and Ginny is spot on too, which makes me feel surprised as to why I love that pairing in this so much ^.^)
In my head, I have Lily's voice as the girl in LotR: The Two Towers, who is sent away by her mother with brother when their village is about to get attacked. ^.^
The whole "bake a cake" euphemism is fantastic ^.^ And I loved the thing about the evil bugs, haha! Digs at Rita Skeeter always make me chuckle.
If this isn't featured for Valentines Day, I'll eat my foot.
10/10 -favourites-Author's Response: Awww! Thank you so much for the lovely review!
Yeah, the story itself is supposed to be canon compliant, so I'm glad you felt it could fit with what we know. And I'm glad I made you like Harry/Ginny a little more, because, if I'm honest, I have quite a mixed reaction to the pairing myself!
I can't place the girl you're thinking of - it's been a long time since I saw the film, but I'm sure I'll put it together when I next watch it. And I'm glad you liked my euphemisms - they made me smile, so I'm glad I'm not alone!
If this is featured, I'll eat anything you want!
Again, thanks so much for all the encouragement. Report Review
I'm finding myself feeling sorry for Pansy more and more often lately. I wouldn't have so much here had Draco actually told her rather than wrote a letter. Ouch. I do like how he didn't just leave her though, and how he does value the friendship he had with her for god knows how many years. I can see that he probably would've wanted to move on from his Hogwarts days though, and leave that part of his life behind.
I love her bitterness about it all, despite it still being raw. That's very like Pansy. I love her standing in the rain like that, and you wrote it so beautifully.
Well done on writing such a beautiful piece. I'm envious of you. -shakes head-
LorrenAuthor's Response: Hey Lorren
Haha, me too. That's one of the reasons why I wrote this fic in the first place. I blame ciararose for writing a likeable Pansy. I don't think it would've hurt her as badly if he hadn't written the letter so I get where you're coming from there. At first, I planned for someone else to bring her in from the rain but then, having Draco do it sort of re-established himself as a person in her life who actually cares for her.
Thank you so much and don't be envious, please.
This is so poetic and beautiful. It's only on the rare occasion that something that's not particularly sad makes me cry, and that it's the fault of the writing itself not the plot.
I never thought before that Rowena would've been alive when the Grey Lady (did she have a name in canon?) was killed. It's very tragic though, if she was. No parent wants to outlive their children.
The old style (I'm articulate at 3am, I know) you've written in is so magnificent. That ending sentence would've been less effective with out it and it just compliments the whole theme of the piece and the characters. If it was written "normally" then I'm not sure I would be effected quite in the way I am now.
Well done on writing such a stunning piece. I've read a LOT of the entries for the every word counts challenge, and this is up there with the best of 'em.
Lorren Report Review
I like how you've characterised Rolf as being a little weird, but not nearly as weird as Luna... merely accepting of it.
That ending was so beautiful. Luna talking about the sun in the weird way only she can. I'm surprised that she actually behaved at the convention though, but at the same time if she liked Rolf beforehand (which I'm guessing she did) then she probably would've wanted to please him and not mess up his big day.
I don;t feel as if I can say much more because there's not really much here to comment on. But I like it, and I enjoyed reading it :)
LorrenAuthor's Response: That was an amazing review. Seriously, thanks a lot. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Report Review
I loved the 5th paragraph. I admit I was hooked from the first sentence, and I don't really have the time to reject storys if I'm not fond of them, but when I hit the 5th paragraph I got really into this. Like... REALLY. And Teddy talking about the difference between leaving and going. That was really fantastic. Beautiful writing.
I'm a little confused as to why they'd just do that... As a Ravenclaw naturally I like to plan and organise EVERYTHING (We DID script our whole Ravenclaw potterwatch podcast y'know) so that's probably the reason for that. I do like the spontaneous feel of this though. The run away with me thing was obviously a little spontaneous but it didn't feel that way until they actually did it.
Why is running away with someone always considered romantic? Wouldn't it be creepy? Eh, sorry. Long day ^.^ I love how you've written this though. Well done :)
LorrenAuthor's Response: Well I'm glad I could get you hooked(: I suppose that's a big goal for any writer!
Hehe, maybe it's the spontaneous Gryffindor in me who decided to do it. I guess I'm one of those people who can see the romance in running away and everything. Depending on the situation.
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
You have a distinctive way in which you write. You use a lot of short snappy sentences, but not so much that it's overkill. I really like it, and it's very effective.
"But most of all she hated the fact that she couldn’t hate him. She just couldn’t." Wow. Oxymoron power for the win is all I have to say about that.
And you've made me want Regulus now. Are you happy? With your repetition of the whole "He was sin" thing it made me want to growl for some, strange bizarre reason that even I don't want to know.
The ending flowed a little less well than the start, I think the short sentences were starting to be used TOO much there. But I still liked it. :)
Lorren.Author's Response: Seeing I also wrote this one and the other story you read for the Every words count challenge I had to make the sentences small otherwise I wouldnÃ¢Â€Â™t fit the 500 words bill and I wouldnÃ¢Â€Â™t have everything I wanted in it. I donÃ¢Â€Â™t write this way in my other work. Atleast I think.
I also want Regulus. HeÃ¢Â€Â™s mine! Kidding we will share him both. If thatÃ¢Â€Â™s alright with you :D Hahaha in a bizarre way I see that as a compliment.
It was something I also noticed and hoped the readers wouldnÃ¢Â€Â™t notice. Writing the short sentences became after awhile even annoying for me.
Firstly, you have a beautiful banner. Honestly, pink banners usually put me off but I thought this one looked particularly stunning.
I was going to say that I'd just read another story with a Marlene in it... I guess that must've been yours too, huh? Have you written a lot from that universe?
I love how you tied the beginning in with the end. And I think I did spot a mistake somewhere but I was stupid and didn't note it down. I would look through it again but I'm on a tight schedule :) haha
I love how you wrote Marlene, and how she seemed to hate this man but love him and need him at the same time. You got that across wonderfully. But you also got across how it was almost as if Travers had manipulated her to feel that way. Very powerful stuff you have going on here.
I definitely shall check out more of your stuff. I have another lined up right now, I think, ahah.
Thank you so much RyleeAnn@tda made it and she really did a terrific job!
Well actually this is the first time I wrote about Marlene McKinnon so it isnÃ¢Â€Â™t mine but I do have a tendence to write about minor characters.
IÃ¢Â€Â™m glad you loved that. Well yeah there are actually alot of mistakes in it especially tenses seeing IÃ¢Â€Â™m horrible with them. The review fest I presume.
Well he is sort of like a drug to her. People who use drugs hate that they use it but they need it and they also love it. I know a bizarre explanation. Well yeah Travers is a Slytherin so he probably could or did manipulate herto feel that way. Thank you so much i hope you have enjoyed it!
Woah. That opener really startled me. For some reason, I wasn't expecting it to be as beautiful as that, despite having read some of your stuff before. Just... woah.
Some of your narrative was so beautiful it made me gasp, which is a complete first for me. That first paragraph about Sirius? At the end of that. le gasp. I was pretty much panting by the end of this whole piece, haha. It's so stunning.
I loved how you used the repetition of both of them starving. I think you over did it a little though because I feel really hollow now for some reason, haha. What exactly both the characters were starving for, I have no idea. I have my theories, but there's many of them. Both literally hungry, Sirius hungry for revenge, Peter. I don't know. -scratches head-
Lorren.Author's Response: Hi Lorren!
Thank you so much for the kind review! You know, I had such writer's block with this one-shot. I wanted to write something dealing with the Wendigo (either symbolically or figuratively) for a long time and I just couldn't make it happen. I really owe a lot to both my betas, Violet Gryffindor and DarkLadyofSlytherin. They were really a terrific help with this.
Needless to say, I'm so happy that you liked this one-shot. Your feedback was greatly appreciated. I really didn't know what to expect when I posted this, considering it's somewhat more abstract than my usual style.
Again, thank you SO much for your thoughtful comments. It was just wonderful hearing from you. Take care and be well!
celticbard Report Review
The summary of this really caught my eye. And I'm glad about that.
As ridiculous as this is, I've never read a fic in which Sirius gets married/engaged. Weird, huh? I'm glad I started with yours though.
You've balanced the dialogue and narrative well, which I adore, and the characterisation of both Sirius and Mrs McKinnon is fantastic.
I don't think you need to indicate that the flashback is a flashback. People will understand that it's a flashback, because you've put it in italics. ^.^
This is hilarious: "Are you alive!?" Peter wnated to know.
But there's a typo there you might want to correct :)
That ending brought a tear to my eye. I love how he referenced back to Marlene's gravestone. Cheesy, yes, but it still has an impact.
8/10Author's Response: YAY! :D Although, I've read tons of Sirius/OC stories where he gets married etc, how come you haven't? xD Ah well, I am honoured :D And thanks for the typo-remark - I shall fix that ^_^ As for the 'flashback' part; well, it's just something I always do. It's a bad habit, I know :D And yes, the reference to the gravestone was way too cheesy, but way to difficult to ignore :D I JUST HAD TO! xD Report Review
Great opening sentence there. Who is she? What's in this letter? What could be wrong?
I'm guessng this woman is Dennis' mother. Wow. It must be so difficult for her having lost her first son in the battle at hogwarts, and now her other son during his work as an auror. I'm a little baffled as to why she didn't burst into tears straight away, but if she'd almost been waiting for the day to come and if she'd had it happen before I can understand why she didn't. And some people do just deal with things that way, huh?
The paragraph containing this "Dead was dead, no matter how you chose to say it." was so perfect. As is the paragraph where she talks about Dennis' death not feeling like a new wound and I like that you've written that. All loss is loss. It doesn't have to feel different just because it's a different person.
This is really beautiful. That ending was just as perfect as the start. I saw no typo's, and I'm usually really picky about those, so yay :) I teared up a little, especially when she was saying that her husband and sons were together. SO beautiful.
LorrenAuthor's Response: Helllo!
Yes, I didn't necessarily want her to burst into tears right off the bat; she'd expected it to happen someday, the question was when. Naturally, I believe she does her fair share of sobbing later on.
I feel similarly to the content of both those paragraphs. I haven't lost anyone extremely close to me, but for what I have experienced, this is a bit how it's felt, only expanded to make it apply to something as tragic as what Mrs. Creevey went through.
Thanks for reviewing, Lorren! :D Report Review
Hmm, this feels a little too short and disjointed for me, but I still like it. I've never read something with Fluer as the main character, so that's interesting. I like how she admires the Weasleys, and obviously considers them her own family. It must've been difficult for her to choose between her family in France and her new family in England, during the war.
I like how protective the Wealsey boys were of Ginny, but I can really see her reacting in that way to people not liking her presence at the battle.
And just as a little side note... I love this Bill :)
Lorren Report Review
Eurgh, I hate how the death eater used Colin's camera against him. I'm actually disgusted by that -shudder-
I love how he was so determined to do something useful, not just as a "spare", despite his fear. I think that's really representative of the whole of the side of the Order. The death eaters seemed to go into the battle wanting it and excited for it, whereas the good side wanted anything but and were scared about it. I think that in itself prove which side is the best, if not the causes they were fighting for.
Colin may not've survived the battle, but I really hope that camera did.
Lorren Report Review
The start of this was hilarious. "THE INNER EYE!!!" Haha! Sybil's eccentric character has always made me laugh though. I love Sybil-centric fics too. They're so obscure and this just completely shows that off to it's best. You managed to get all those oddities about her spot on.
She may be a crazy ol' bat, but she's a crazy ol' bat with feelings. I love how she protected Lavender and sacrificed her crystial balls for the sake of the students.
I think somewhere when I read DH all those years ago, I missed the part where she does this. But that just makes me love her even more if this was in canon.
Lorren. Report Review
I wasn't expecting to find a humourous piece of writing in this collab, but looky here! I found one. That opening sentence was so funny, and I'm glad you managed to get so much Ravenclaw into a oneshot!
Myrtle and Luna may both be crazy, but they're crazy in such different ways that when they come together it's just so funny. They contrast and antagonise each other brilliantly. I almost get the feeling Luna was trying to annoy her.
That last line was BRILLIANT. HAha!
Lorren Report Review
Wow. Who knew colours could be so powerful?
I feel kind of annoyed that from this fic Remus died trying to save this kid, and he dies anyway. That sucks.
The action in this, however, is amazing. It does terrify me a little bit though to think of how young this Stewart kid seems. He seems far too young to be fighting in the war.
I like how he doesn't know the names of the people he's around. I always enjoy reading storys that describe characters we know/knew from an outsiders perspective.
Lorren Report Review
That beginning was fantastic. YAY for personification. This "teasingly whispered snow through the ears of anyone who would listen" is beautiful. People don't usually take fluff to seriously, but that writing there proves that it's definitely something worth reading and reviewing.
Uh-uh. Teddy better not have anything going on with that Emma girl. He's practically betrothed to Victoire! I'm glad that later on he mentions Victoire :) Yaaay!
I like all of these new characters that're becoming his friends. You're almost making me wish I was a Hufflepuff.
I really can't wait until you next update. I LOVE this.
LorrenAuthor's Response: This story is undergoing a huge re-write. I'm hooping to continue it by next summer. Thank you so much for your support. Report Review
Hi, remember me? I'm back to fangirl this story some more.
I can't believe I forgot how much I loved this. Your version of Teddy is so lovely, and you capture his age very well. He's the perfect mix between Tonks and Remus. He was so adorable when talking to Corey for the first time. I never considered before that him being the oldest out of all the next gen kids would make him shy with children his own age, but I can really see that.
I love Andromeda! Reading her trying to hold back her emotions was quite funny. I've never pictured her as all too stern, but it works here.
Your descriptions of Teddy's first time at seeing Hogwarts were so beautiful, and they just make me want to go to Hogwarts even more. I got goosebumps when he was put in Hufflepuff.
So, awesome chapter. I can't wait to get onto the next one and fangirl over it. The pace of this story seems to be slowing down a bit more. Wherease before it was jumping in bigger steps, those steps seem to be getting shorter. Not that I'm complaining of course, I love this story and want as much of it as possible, although I still am wondering what the hell Victoire is going to say.
Lorren.Author's Response: I do remember you!!
I hope you continue to read when this story is picked up next summer. :D It's undergoing a bit of a facelift atm. I feel that my talents as a writer have matured a bit since beginning this, and want this story to reflect that.
Thank you so much for your support and your incredible reviews.
-Melissa Report Review
Woah. This is lovely.
The descriptive and the character voice was all so perfect and pristine and it just flowed so well and. The symbolism of the diamonds and the repitition of the fact the diamonds were holding her back really hit a chord, and I could vividly picture everything you wrote about. I was complete immersed in this by the end, and I even teared up. It really was wonderful.
I was expecting someone to come save her at the end, so that was a surprise, but I'm glad no-one did not because I dislike Pansy but because I think the story would've been made less effective if someone had saved her. I don't really think anyone could've particularly saved her. Even at the start, despite the title, I didn't expect her to kill herself. I just presumed the "Drowning in Cold Diamonds" thing was simply a metaphor. I liked that this story contradicted my initial thoughts of what it was going to be like though.
Pansy's narrative was so good. It was elegant and snobbish, as I've always thought her to be, but yet there was a bitterness to it as well. She paints a very vivid picture with the words she uses.
You're a very good author. I applaud you :)
LorrenAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed this story so much because it's one of my personal favorites.
Your reiew was amazing and I can't wait to see what you think of some of myother works :D
Thea Report Review
I love Severus/Lily. :)
The characterisation of both Lily and Severus was so fantastic. I've never really thought that Lily would forgive Severus very quickly, and I think that things are more difficult to forgive the more time that passes, but the way this was written was really believable and made the timing of this event seem to happen right where both had calmed down but so much time hadn't passed that they'd completely seperated and lost any feelings they would've had for each other. As well as that, the way they reacted to what the other had to say was just spot on.
The reconciliation? The kiss? I've been waiting for all of that between these two for a long time and the way this was written just makes every aspect of the story believable and as though it could've happened in canon, even the two having to be secret friends. YAY for Severus/Lily.
You definitely still have this writing thing (though that A/N is a few years old, haha). I loved your decriptions and I also love that there's so much more narrative to dialogue. For some reason I always prefer more descriptive and narrative to dialogue.
LorrenAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing this! I really appreciate it!
I'm glad you like that there's a lot of description and narrative- that's something I've been working on for a long time. I usually get so into my dialgoue that I ignore the description, and I feel like I'm getting better at it as I go along.
I'm surprised at how many people think Lily would not forgive Severus, but then since it was kind of ignored in the books, I guess it's plausible. However, I like to think that they definitely reconciled and kissed, hehe. You know me! I love me some Severus/Lily!!
Thank you so very much for coming to review this story, I appreciate it!! :) Report Review
This is so ridiculous it's funny. Where on earth did you get the idea for it from?
I think Luna is characterised perfectly. It's brilliant. She really is kooky enough to do something like this. I always get slightly baffled when Luna narrates a story because so often the inner workings of her mind are insane that my brain just can't handle it. Like most of what she goes on about here; it's just so ridiculous that I can't understand it. I suppose that's the great thing about Luna though, eh? I'm quite amazed. Luna is a pretty hit and miss character. Sometimes people go too overboard or not overboard enough. This was so spot on though. -scratches head-
I like that you created so many new creatures (well, I'm presuming they're new). It really adds to the... Luna of the whole piece. The reactions to Luna's news were perfect for each character.
Lorren Report Review
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