Great job, I loved it! You did a good job of keeping everyone in character. I can't wait to find out what happens next!
Some of the dialog was worded kind of awkwardly. Particularly in this sentence:
“Oh well Remus will be along in half an hour or so, you can get him to kiss it better then can’t you.”
Try saying the sentence out loud, and put the commas and periods in where you took a breath or paused.
-MollieAuthor's Response: thank you very much for the help! Much appreciated! I shall try that technique on the next chapter, lets just hope i don't speak starngely ha ha ha, any way, thank you once again, hope you like the next chapter, it should be up soon! Report Review
Wow, that was so cute! Great job! I'm not a fan of Luna/Rolf, but I still enjoyed it. Keep writing!
Thank you. (:
-Carrie Report Review
This was just as great as the previous chapters, I loved it!
"Death Eater" should be capitalized.Author's Response: thanxie. ill change that. Report Review
Great job! I loved it.
You might want to work on your grammar, like did'nt vs. didn't. If you type your stories on Microsoft Word, it will also help you catch a lot of those little typos.
Why did Neville kiss Hannah at the Yule Ball? His date was Ginny.Author's Response: i made it up
he had to kiss someone.
more its on the way Report Review
Aww, that was really adorable! Great job! I loved how well you described the setting.Author's Response: Well thanks! Oh and I love your pen name! Report Review
It was interesting to read your take on McGonagall's 3-cat-Patronus. I personally thought that if you think of something really, really happy, then you can produce multiple Patroni, but it would also make perfect sense it if was a slightly different spell.
The sad-fest was totally necessary to the plot and to help understand Elayne better, so I didn't mind at all. Plus, I'm going to force you to read my Cho-pity-party story, so that shall be my payback.
P.S. I HATE YOU! Author's Response: McGonagall had a three-cat Patronus? When? I MEAN OF COURSE! ((ididnotjustsaythat))
P.S. I HATE YOU MOOOOOOOOOOORE Report Review
Great job! You did a good job of keeping Neville in character with his clumsiness, but I think that you could have made Luna a bit more zany. You have intrigued me with what will happen next, I can't wait to find out what goes wrong, and how a time-turner will fix it.
-MollieAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I find Luna very hard to write without making her seem like she's completely insane Thanks for pointing that out, I'll make sure to check it out. I'm very glad you liked Neville, though!
I do hope you keep reading! The time-turner's going to be fun, but if it makes things better... well, you'll just have to see. ; )
Thanks for the nice review! Report Review
Awesome job! I love how you make little allusions to parts of canon, like Neville's similarity to Tom Riddle, and Harry flying on a broom to taunt Godric, much like Draco flew away with Neville's remembrall.
I can't wait to read more, keep writing!Author's Response: Thanx!! Report Review
Wow, this was fantastic! The ending was amazing, so very sad.
I love how descriptive you are! "A gentle touch, that of a moth landing on a nocturnal-blooming flower, grazed his shoulder." Wow. Just wow. Can I have one-thousandth of your talent?Author's Response: *smiles ruefully* There are many others with a greater gift than mine, une compaine. Thank you for reading, though. I've added more to this story if you are interested at all. Sorry it took me so long to respond. Report Review
Wow, so cute! Great job! You did a really good job of keeping both of them in character. Keep writing!
-Mollie Report Review
Wow, totally adorable! I loved the fact that the first and last sentences were the same, that gives a great wrap-up to the story.
Keep writing more great stuff!
-MollieAuthor's Response: Thank you for all your kind criticism, I'm happy that you noticed that little touch. It's people like you that make writing so much fun. Report Review
Aww, this is a totally squee-worthy story! The cuteness is just unbelievable!
The only crit I can possibly think of is that I wish it was longer, so I could squee even more!
-Mollie Report Review
What a cute story!
I liked how Neville had been writing about Luna, I found that really sweet.
You might try to work on your grammar a bit (Your vs. You're, threw instead of throwed, etc.)
-Mollie Report Review
Wow, great job, I love it! Neville and Luna as just about the cutest couple on the face of the earth, aren't they?
I was a little bit confused at the point where Neville was chatting with Luna and didn't know her name, it wasn't clear to me who "Love" was until I read on for a bit. You might want to try to make it clearer.
This is a fantastic story, I'll add it to my favorites list. Report Review
I'm reviewing because you made me. (No, really, I was gonna review this anyway.) I really liked how it showed that things can change in just the blink of an eye, when you showed Remus and Sirius partying.
Why was Lily bleeding? AK doesn't leave any marks. (Yes, I'm morbid. Get over it. I've read an entire book about cadavers. I enjoyed it. One of my favorite books, actually.)
"Oh, my, was that a Ghirardelli Raspberry-Almond Truffle Deluxe?"
-MollieAuthor's Response: I know. I'm just that persuasive.
She was bleeding because, uh, err, she got scraped/cut/whatever on her way down . . . ? OH STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT; SHE'S JUST BLEEDING, ALRIGHT?! Haha.
::cackles right back::
Hugs, Al Report Review
Cute! I love how he chooses targets other than the center to shoot at.
However, I will scorn you for choosing Ginny instead of Luna.
And pretty much everyone uses a blunt tipped arrow. At archery camp, I met the #1 teenage archer in the country, and she uses blunt arrows. No need to take the risk of shooting somebody fatally. But, the blunt arrow thing fits into the story well.
I like the way you portrayed Neville, he strikes me as very self-conscious, and you worked it into the story very well.
Drunk Neville! I WILL find a way to work it into my story. ;)Author's Response: I know, Neville is such a teddy bear. I already told you I wanted to give him a Tim-hug, and I also already told you what a Tim-hug is, but for everyone else out there: a Tim-hug is a bear hug where you get lifted off the ground and squeezed very very hard and if you're a female you get rather, err . . . sore, shall we say. In short, it's a VBH (very big hug).
And I would probably change it except I have to get a new banner then . . . which really probably wouldn't be such a bad thing. Yeah, I think I'll change it.
Yah, well, you suck too. (No really, thanks. But Neville's cousin . . . yeah. Definitely wouldn't use blunt arrows.)
DRUNK NEVILLE! And if you don't check out my DRUNK REMUS in Love Lies Bleeding there will be familiar repercussions (To everyone who's not Molliewobbles: I am allowed to shamelessly peddle my stories to her because I know her personally. I normally don't do that).
Anyway . . .
Hugs, Al Report Review
Awesome job, Al! I love this story! The only crit I can come up with is that sometimes the conversations can be a bit difficult to follow. I feel so sorry for Elayne, having to become a DE/Werewolf and all.
Also, because you lied to me, I didn't take my allergy medicine last night, so my eye itches. Thanks a lot.
And because my purpose in life in to piss everyone off-
I know what happens at the end of the story and you don't! NYAH NYAH!Author's Response: Yes, well, that's just because you're stupid. (No really, thanks for the concrit) And yus, that majorly sucks.
Any time, any time. :D
P.S. And yes, she does know what happens at the end of the story, and no I am not telling anyone else because--and I know it sounds crazy--I have this odd desire to live and keep all of my limbs and such ^.^ Report Review
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