Passionate: That's the one word that I can come up with after this emotional and most indulging piece... I come short of words to explain how beautiful it is, how powerful and superbly(is that even a word?) it is written. I love it! It's amazing! I'm starting to sound like a fangirl so I'm just gonna shut my mouth/stop my typing... I love you girl and thanks for dedicating me this beautiful story!!!
RoeAuthor's Response: Of course it's dedicated to you. I mean, I can't express how much you mean to me, and just jow much I love you! You manage to make a lot of my days!:)
I am really,really glad, you enjoyed this, I will be thinking about you when writing the rest of the story: it's all for you. Report Review
Oh that was such a cute story...I loved every bit of it and I also laughed my head off by the time Teddy wanted to know how is his aunt! And the final bit about Albus... genius! Loved it!Author's Response: Thanks :) I'm so happy you found it funny, I have real worries about how I write humour.The Teddy and the aunt thing was actually the first bit I wrote of the story and I loved the Albus bit too, made me smile when I was writing it. Thanks for a lovely review! Report Review
This was...absolutely amazing! Again a wonderful job my dear! If I might say so I think you have outdone yourself. And I loved that Luna was there too, that she had survived and that she was more or less ok! Gosh, was that a magnificient twist or what? And the masquerade ball sounds like such a perfect ocassion for Draco and Hermione to meet... I'm pretty sure that I'll be fascinated with the scenes there.
The Feldons were exactly how I pictured them to be and I must admit that the image you chose was more than appropriate:D I really enjoyed this chapter! Write more, please!:D
RoeAuthor's Response: Amazing? Really? :) Thank you so much!!!
You know, you inspired me to bring Luna into this story... You write her so beautifully that I just couldn't help to put her into my story, in your honor. She will play good her part in this story...(and OMG, I just had a wonderful idea for the last chapter, you always manage to inspire me).
Well, in my story, the word masquerade has a double significance. First, masquerade because every character hides beneath a mask, refusing to be himself, and then because the romance between Hermione and Draco will started during a masquerade ball...
The Feldons are my favorite villains. Sneaky and cunning like the Slytherins, with a little bit of flavor... but mean, nonetheless. They are so fascinating to write...
That's such a funny chapter... I was laughing my head off all throughout it. Good job! Report Review
*cries her heart out* oh I'm going to miss Vienna and Sirius so much...:(( Gosh, it was such a beautiful part of my life here on HPFF*blows her nose in a handkerchief* And they were such a love in this chapter while behind the tapestry and Sirius is siriusly cute and adorable... Oh, sometimes Evie I think... ohh what am I to do without my Vienna and my Sirius???*cries even more desperately than before*
I loved it dear and this story has really changed my life:) You're an inspiration!Author's Response: *gets teary* oh thankyou so much! i know, thats exactly how i feel. im going to miss them terribly, i love them with all my heart... *tries to blink tears away* oh yeah, cute sirius, definitely beats the angry mean sirius at the beginning of the story. he's so nice now, he's such a darling. *angrily trying to will tears back into eyes* i dont know roe, what are we going to do without them? We'll have to live with luna and rolf (who are just as adorable, though) it will be hard, it will be hard... thankyou so much, i couldn't have made my story so lovable without all your beautiful images that raelly make the story what it is. zooey and james = love match. imagine if they got together in real life, hmm? Id do a little dance. i totally identify with zooey as vienna too (like i see a picture in a mag of zooey and im like, what is vienna wearing today) heheee. and james/rolf/sirius... so handsome *sighs*. YOU are an inspiration to ME darling, you are the one with the graphics and writing skillz. thanks so much for the kind words. Report Review
Oh that was just simply stunning. I loved it... in fact I found it so good that most unfortunately I will not be able to leave a review like the one I used to because I basically have no critique. This was just gorgeous. Some of the sentences there really left a mark on me like "People think staying and holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go" and I was just bowling by the time James said that he ahd gone to see Sirius. It strikes me like the type of thing that he would do. It would be a good idea to write one with James visiting his friend. That would be so emotional as I always saw James facing difficulties in leaving Sirius behind. After all they had spent most of their lives together.
I really liked this and I think you should definitely get more reviews. This is just great:D
Congrats. A 10/10 and going to my faves:DAuthor's Response: I love you, Roe, i really, really do. Thank you so much. I'm really happy you understood me making James see Sirius. Many people complain that he would want to see Harry, too, which, of course, he would. But there was one visit for each, and harry could get one visit as well. And I definitely see James letting Lily go to Harry, no matter how much his heart craved to see his son. instead, he went to see Sirius, knowing what a horrible life he would have from now on and after all they went through together. the fact that you got this and found it nice means the world to me!!
Ah, now you planted a plot bunny into my head. i might think about writing something along those lines. :)
And the sentence you mentioned actually inspired this entire piece, I'm glad it stood out to you. Ack, once again, thank you ever so much. I really, really appreciate all your kind words. *huggles* Report Review
This was such a cute chapter! I really liked it! keep up the good work! Report Review
Oh my god that was absolutely amazing. I really liked and I sobbed, because I always knew that George would die sooner than the rest of his siblings, because he would feel withered by life in the end. I think you did a great job in portraying Fred's uncertainties about his own identity and the fact that he looks at himself as very different from his namesake. I really liked this one-shot and you get a 10 from me. Well done, dear!Author's Response: I'm glad somebody else felt that way! I always knew George would die first of everybody and I wanted to show that from his son's point of view. I'm glad you like the way I potrayed Fred. Thanks for the review and the ten. =D Report Review
That was one fo the funniest things I've ever read! It's just hilarious! Well done!Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
Oh this was so cute:) I loved it... keep writing these friend-fics. I'm looking forward to the one told by George to his son, Fred II.
Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much!! I'm looking forward to making a start writing it! x Report Review
That was such a cute one-shot. I loved it, particularly when Ron assures Rose that Harry was a prince...:) I giggled so hard at that one. And that part when he says that his name is Daddy, was just...*sobs* really emotional. This was fantastic!Author's Response: Haha thanks so much!! :) aww ty! xoxox Report Review
Hello this is uptowngirlinlove/ lucretia neva from the forums, filling in the request for a review.
Plot: I was really excited about reading a Ginny/Harry story set in Post-Hogwarts because it's been a while since I last read one of these. I enjoyed the fact that you chose that song, because it really suits the conflict here. I also found the scheme of placing the lyrics really interesting, because in most cases you also used them to switch points of view. That was really good.
Ginny: well, you've nailed Ginny in this piece. She would definitely not leave Harry again; she would fight for their love and would never allow him to be alone again. I loved when she said that she had let him go once and that she would never do that ever again. It seems the thing that Ginny would say to conclude her reasons for wanting to stay by his side.
Harry: I think you did a pretty good job with his character as well, as I imagine him as wanting to keep his distance with her for a while, given that the world is still a dangerous place. But what really caught my eye was the fact that he agreed finally with her and decided to stay with her for the rest of his life. I think he would be easily persuaded by the fiery read head.
Descriptions: I enjoyed that kiss very much, it was very detailed and emotional and it's perhaps the strong point of this song fic. I also liked the fact that this piece is centered around the inner fears and feelings of the characters and not just on dialogue.
Grammar: I did spot some mistakes here and there. Some examples:
"Between he and the stunning" - between him and the stunning.
"Then why do you deny me!?" - shouldn't it be why do you reject me?
"You couldn't your sixth year" - you couldn't in your sixth year...
"Her and the champion of the" - she and the champion of the...
Overall: it was a good song fic. Report Review
Hello, this uptowngirlinlove/ lucretia neva from the forums filling in the review request.
Plot: I was pleasantly surprised to read that Marisol and James don't meet on the Hogwarts Express for the first time or even at school. I think it's a good thing that you had them meeting in Diagon Alley. It adds a nice touch and it certainly is a nice breath of fresh air in romantic stories that focus on Next Generation.
Marisol: Again,, Marisol is cute and quite the girl for James. I liked her in this chapter because she had that innocent air around her, which is exactly what would draw a boy like James.
James: Indeed, James introducing himself to Marisol out of the blue is quite what I imagined him to be like. So props to you for using that spontaneity in this chapter. It was really a bold pick but nevertheless, I think it suits the situation.
Flow: Now, regarding the flow, I have some cc to make. Sometimes your sentences appear a bit simple, which is good but it gets tiresome at some point. I'd suggest trying to embellish your story with more detailed descriptions and I would particularly emphasize on James' stare at Marisol. I think you should have shown more of his emotions, impressions and inner turmoil. Also you should have insisted on Marisol's fear of a new beginning. That's a fear that every teenagers experiences as it is about to start something in a new place so you should have spoken about that more, to give more details about her feelings and her uncertainties.
I liked the fact that she wrote her friend Maria a letter before going to bed and the ending was very much appropriate.
Overall: this story has potential and lots of it really, but you should definitely work some more in what concerns the flow of the story and the display of emotions. A story is good as long as it preserves a balance between the inner conflicts and the outer conflicts.Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the CC on improving the description and emotions in this chapter. My description definitely gets better with each chapter, or so I've been told by other reviewers. Once I'm finished with this story, I'll have more time to go back and add in more description and such to the first couple of chapters as those two chapters are my least favorite as they appear kind of blah to me when I reread them over again.
I'm glad to hear that my characterization is good on both the main characters. That's always awesome to hear. Thanks again for reviewing! =) Report Review
Oh this was just another great, insanely funny chapter! I don't usually read homour fics because not many can pull them good, but yours is just... wow! I love it! and your Rose is by far the funniest girl ever! 10/10Author's Response: aw wow thanks so much! I'm glad you like it! Rose really doesnt mean to be funny, but we cant help laughing at her...ah well, we'll all just go to hell or something! (",) Report Review
Wonderful start! I had alread read this piece but I know that you had modified some things so I must say that the final product is... fantastic!!! I can't wait to read more! What I really liked is the monologuw of Hermione, or better say the speech because she was talking to us, the readers... didn't she? I like her very much... she's deadly and poisonous:)
My favourite part was this: "So let's keep it quiet, as it has always been."
Gosh, I love the tragedy and the sarcasm in this sentence.
Thanks for crediting me:D I hope this banner will make your story famous:DAuthor's Response: Yes, this first chapter is her testimony. She will speak from her point of view in the next chapters too, although some scenes will be descried from third person...
Your banner is great,sweetie, as well as the chapter image and you deserved to be credited for and I also dedicated this story to you, my wonderful friend.
Thank you for your wonderful review, this story is rather complex and I'll have to choose my words carefully for the next chapter, but in the end I think it'll all fit. Report Review
Hello, this is uptowngirlinlove/lucretia neva from the forums filling in the request for the review.
Now, I've never seen a fic like yours around the site. I can honestly say that it's among the best in any genre, era and ships category. Firstly, the plot: brilliant choice of Peter and an OC. That's a really bold pick considering that you actually didn't place it in Hogwarts. Also, I found myself completely amazed and dazzled by the lack of action, which really is the strong point of this story. I think you wrote a one-shot with no action that is just such a wonderful lecture. I didn't even blink while reading it and I suddenly found myself panting because it was just thrilling, without the action, without purposeless dialogues or casual meddling of other characters. I don't want to be misunderstood... so when I say no action, I mean that there isn't a conflict there, other than their inner battles and their occasional competitions. It's just a genuine display of emotions ranging from oddity to a love that neither can place into a category... a category which you poetically name nonlove.
What surprised me the most was the fact that your OC is left unnamed and that is just a work of genius. It gives the reader the impression that it could have been anyone and that her identity did not matter, but rather the feelings and their endless games and competitions. I liked their obsessions with light bulbs, his refusal to make love to her sometimes, his desire to be the first in any competition and their awkward habits of counting the words that the other spoke. During her little speech concerning the words she'd count because she loved every single of it I just smirked constantly. And then I smiled to myself when I read that part when she admits that her 63 words beat 29 and as a consequence they left the light on.
I must say that the last bit with the obituary was perhaps one of the best written dialogues I have ever read so far in both fanfics and original literature. It had that oddness, those apparently unrelated topics that somehow would connect, that charm around it that made me want to read it over and over again until my eyes hurt because it was beautiful and simple and childish, yet forever complex and plausible for such an odd couple.
I've yet to fully regain from the shock at how beautifully written this one-shot is. So instead of continuing the rambling, I'd just like to add this to my favourites and rate it with the ten it deserves.
Well done!Author's Response: Oh, gosh! I read this over and over again because it made me smile so much! I want to write a long response, but: a. I cut my finger today and can't type well. b. My keyboard is broken. c. I can't come up with the right words to express how happy you made me! Report Review
Hello, this is uptowngirlinlove/lucretia neva from the forums, filling in the request for a review. Let's get started...
Plot: I think this is a really good idea for a fic, I've never read a story that delves into this issue, at least not one that doesn't claim the reason behind the loss of memory to some sort of muggle accident. I find the Memory Dust idea quite plausible and it seems like some sort of dark magic essence that could exist in the HP realm. I wonder why JK never thought of this, because this sure could work wonderfully. I also liked the fact that you've begun your story from Ginny's POV and Harry's. That adds a nice touch to it.
Ginny: I really enjoyed Ginny in this chapter because she strikes me as this type of person who fights until the very end, even if the battle seems for most of the people to be a lost one. She was always the one who motivated people to push their limits and I think you nailed her character perfectly. She does say to Harry at some point in HBP that "the thing about growing up with Fred and George is that you sort of start thinking anything is possible if you've got enough nerve". You certainly managed to convey that.
Harry: Now, I think you've managed to portray a part of the canon Harry very well, but he - just like Ginny - would keep on fighting in my opinion. Ron and Hermione were his best friends. He would not get tired and he would try to find them. I think he'd do that without even thinking about his life.
Ron: I'm glad we got to see a bit of him, as well, although it made me wonder... why is he still called Ron? Didn't the Memory Powder affect his memory of the fact that he was called Ron? Well, to cut a long story short, I find Ron to be in canon. He does seem the type of person that doesn't delve too much into analyzing things and facts unless they are really outlined by a certain event, such as Chelsea asking him about his childhood.
Hermione: It was great having Hermione as a doctor. Even in the HP realm, I would have imagined Hermione as a healer so all the more when it refers to the muggle world. Nicely done! I liked the fact that she was engaged, but somehow feeling that there's something there that's missing. In contrast to Ron, she really is an analytical person so she would definitely question her life constantly.
Grammar: I'm not a native speaker, but still I managed to find quite some mistakes in your fic; most of them referring to tenses. Some examples:
"Three years passed by too quickly, Harry and Ginny didn't even notice" - Three years had passed by too quickly, Harry and Ginny hadn't even noticed.
"A lot of time went by, lot of days were lost, lot of moments unnoticed," - A lot of time had gone by, lots of days had been lost, lots of moments had gone by unnoticed(...)
"Harry, on the other hand, seemed to lose faith long ago" - Harry, on the other hand, seemed to have lost faith long ago.
These are just a couple of examples from the first paragraphs, but there are quite a few of them spread across the chapter, which really alter a story that otherwise is really good. I suggest getting a beta to fix that problem easily.
Overall: it was a really good start for a promising story, but the grammar errors do tend to deter the reader a little.
I'd give it an 8.5/10 for the grammar bit.Author's Response: Wow, wow, wow...thank you for this amazing review. First to the grammar...you're not a native speaker? then I salute you, because your English seems perfect. See, I'm Slovak and English is a foreign language too and I know I need a beta, I also requested one, but no one is taking it, so I don't know how will i find one. Trust me, I'm really trying, but yeah, i know there are still mistakes, annoying for the reader. I will really try from now on to do my best if no beta takes up my story.
About Harry, I completely understand where you're coming from. I had doubts myself, but I guess it was just some sort of a challenge for me to make him in some kind of a comfortable denial, which is uncharacteristic for Harry, but every person has this phase where they sort of go against themselves for one reason or another. That's why I tried it. :)
I always wanted Hermione to be a Healer as well!! I think the job would suit her perfectly, so that's why I planted her in medicine, knowing that doctors have a ton of stuff they have to memorize and they also have to be very skilled, which i think Hermione is. I'm glad you liked both of them, including Ginny. As to their names remaining the same, it has its reason, which is linked by Memory Dust. :)
I'm really glad you liked it (sorry for the grammar), since in my eyes you're a very talented writer. Thank you so much for taking the time and leaving me this long and extremely helpful review. :) Report Review
Oh Lia! That was such a beautiful rendition of Hogwarts during the seventh year as a place where students hope because there's nothing left to be done. I absolutely loved the last paragraph it was so... powerful. Yes, that's the word for it.
Honestly, I never thought that someone would actually write Pansy from this point of view, as a person who hides her feelings because it's the only thing to do; as someone who behaves in a certain manner because it's the only manner to survive.
I liked the fact that she and Draco weren't together anymore and that they were just friends. That has a nice touch to it. Also I enjoyed very much the second from the bottom paragraph when she talks about always having to pretend. It was really emotional and it managed to convey the feeling that the students needed like really needed to act in order to ensure their safety.
What a lovely one-shot indeed! I loved it and I can't wait to read your Draco/Astoria story. I can tell by now that it's going to be fabulous!
LoveXXXAuthor's Response: Lucretia!! I hadnâ€™t expected you to read it so soon--and I'm quite surprised you agreed to reading it, what with your dislike for Pansy and all. I'm so glad you did, though, even more so that you left a review. I hadn't expected you too, so *hugs* :) I cannot possibly even begin to explain my happiness right now ...
You never thought Pansy was just an act? I remember in one owl you sent me you told me that Luna intrigued you, and that when she appeared you often wondered what she thought. Well, thinking back on that now, I guess I kind of do that with Pansy. She always seemed like that fake Barbie doll, even more so around Draco--anyone would be ... I mean, come on. It's Draco Malfoy we're talking about xP
Yes, I didn't really want to make Draco and Pansy together when I wrote this. I just don't think they go together, you know? They just don't suit, and even more, I think Pansy would just get over it. The Dark Side, I mean, not Draco. Though Draco does seem to be pretty much poisoned by the Dark Side.
The pretending part was my favourite sentence to write :) I think that the "Always pretending" part was the most powerful. Simple sentences in situations such as that, I think, really give off that feeling of helplessness. I'm babbling now, aren't I? *sighs*
Well, I'm glad you liked the one-shot altogether! I'd never written a one-shot before because I felt they never really got the feeling a novel gets when I wrote them. But I was quite proud of this one :)
Having an author such as yourself saying such things is wonderful (*giggles*). Thank you so much for making my day! I wish there was a better way to express my feelings right now! I love you!! Seriously! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
With so much love .x.x Report Review
Hello this is uptowngirlinlove/lucretia neva from the forums filling in the request for the review. Sorry for taking this long:)
Plot: I think this plot has potential, particularly the fact that Sirius is not currently in love with her and that he's actually dating someone else. That's a good part of the story because most of the pieces that I read about Sirius and a kin of James are really cliche, but yours is like a breath of fresh air.
Characterization: I like Victoria, she sounds exactly like a dying person should sound. I like the fact that she hates people being sorry for her and that she feels like Evelyn is only faking her concerns. That has a nice touch to it. I really enjoyed reading the parts where her imagination ran wild as she contemplated the thought of Sirius realizing that he has feelings for her or that bit when she makes a fairely pertinent portrait of Evelyn.
Sirius, sounds canon to me which is good, although I don't think he'd go that far into reprimanding Vic. I don't find Sirius as the type of person who'd tell a dying person and someone as close as Victoria seemes to be to him, that he is disgusted by her. I guess he would say just that he's disappointed and leave without muttering another word.
Evelyn - now you had me intrigued with her. At the beginning, I found myself actually feeling pity for the poor girl because Vic treats her that poorly but the last sentence just... hmm, it made me change my mind. Props to you for that sudden twist.
Overall: It was a good beginning for what promises to be a good story but you should keep a close eye on characterization; and one pice of advice, I think you should refrain from using swears. Sometimes, they're right on spot but in this piece it seemed a bit off.Author's Response: Wow, that was great advise! Yeah thanks. I can totally see your point with Sirius, and I had some problems with it as well, contemplating how I should portray him. Swear; I tend to go A BIT overboards with them and I'm positive you're right; they have so much more meaning when used sparcely.
Thank you so much for reviewing! It's lovely with some critique!! Report Review
This uptowngirlinlove/lucretia neva from the forums, filling in the review you requested. Let's start:D
Plot: Ok, I always enjoy a Sirius/OC story, particularly wedding days so I must say that the plot was generally to my taste. I think it was a nice touch adding a brief recalling of the night they had met and the little speech that Sirius gave at the end was most probably something he would say. However, I do have a minor critique to make concerning Laverna. I don't think having Sirius' girlfriends a werewolf, being cliche, but I must say that being a werewolf it's not a pleasant affair at all. Werewolves were being stigmatized by society, nobody wanted them anywhere close to them and I don't think the thought of having to transform every full moon into a beast can make anyone feel elated. Of course, I understood her desire to be out in the open and be free, but the werewolf condition is something really hard to bear and Lupin continually mentions in the books how he really hated bearing this condition.
Characterization: I liked Sirius in here, he was very cocky and proud and funny of course. I found myself smiling and grining every now and then, because he kept doing things and sating words that are funny. That's definitely a canon Sirius.
Your Lily is fiery, which si quite the way I imagine Lily to be , although I don't think she was that of a control-freak. But it definitely added a humorous note to the story which I've enjoyed quite much.
Laverna: She seems like a nice girl to me, but as I've said before the werewolf thing as in her enjoying it, does seem a bit off to me. I liked the fact that she wasn't sure about herself, about her not being too much into dresses and make-up(Sirius would have liked a sporty girl).
Grammar: I didn't see any grammar errors, so that's a bonus point.
Overall: I think it was good, but you should definitely keep an eye for characterization, expecially when it comes to OCs.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!!! so sorry that it took so long to get to responding! I really appreciate the opinions that you gave! For Laverna, I kinda wanted her to be different from Remus. I didn't want her to view her transformations as a burden and since she has the help of her father, I tried to say that it would make the whole situation less of a burden. I'm really happy to see that you think my Sirius is canon!! ^-^ Thanks again!! Report Review
Hello, this is uptowngirlinlove/lucretia neva from the forums, filling in the request for a review.
1. Plot: The beginning was really intriguing and for a brief moment there you had me sitting on the edge of my seat, trying to understand what was going on. I must admit that it was a splendid thing to call the Death Eaters, the Knights of Walpurgis. That was a nice touch to it, particularly since I always believed that Voldemort must have used a lot of names during the first war to protect the identity of his followers and himself. At least in the beginning.
I think however that you shoudl refrain from telling the story from more than two points of view in one chapter. It's slightly confusing at time, particularly when you make the transition from Whitney's and Matt's POV.
Characterization: There's not much to say in this area, regarding the first two parts of the story because they're all msotly OCs, except for Voldemort. Albus Dumbledore, however, is portrayes just like canon in your story, which is a real achievement. As an author, I find him the most difficult character to tackle in fanfiction and I avoid writing it for the obvious reasons. You, however, have managed to make him appear like he's in the books. Props to you, for that!
Grammar: I didn't see any grammar errors, but there were some formatting issues that you should pay attention to.
"Youâ€™ll be fine," He reassured her, "I'll be right beside the entire way." - "You'll be fine," he reassured her, "I'll be right beside..."
"Yes, unfortunately they are." he stated simply leaving the discussion...- "Yes, unfortunately they are," he stated...
It would be better if you didn't add those signs between changing POV as they tend to distract the reader from the action. Instead you could leave more spacing between them. Also, try not to give any reference concerning the space and time of the action when you're switching POV, like you did there with "the following day". Try saying something like "The following day, at Hogwarts School of Magic, Albus Dumbledore was dozing off in his..."
Overall: It was a good beginning, intriguing and it leaves it waiting quite anxiously for the next chapter. With a bit of editing, it might look even better.Author's Response: I know! Dunbledore is the hardest chracter to write for! I was second guessing putting that in, but I'm glad I did.
From now on I won't be switching point of views. I promise :)
Thanks for the critiques and corrections! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Oh that's such a cute story and what a wonderful beginning for it. I usually don't read fics that have student from other schools moving to Hogwarts, but yours seems cliche free in that respect. I loved Rose's friends and Albus comments about Kylie. And Nicolai...:X hmm his name sounds a bit Russian huh?
Well, wonderful job and props to you and your cousin!Author's Response: I wish you could see how big I'm grinning right now. XD I don't usually read those kind of fics either, actually. I don't even no where I got the idea of it for this one. XP Thank you so, so, SO much for the lovely review. Mwah!
And Nicolai's French. I think the name's French too. Well, his last name is. :S Report Review
Hi, this is uptowngirlinlove/lucretia neva from the forums reviewing as requested.
Plot: I really like this type of stories(writing one in the genre as well, at the moment, but not with the same idea) and I must say that the first chapter was truly appropriate. I like how you set it in the hospital, how she had developed a special relationship with the nurse(these things really happen in life) and how she didn't cry at hearing the results.
Characterization: Allison seems like a very strong person to me. I mean, to be battling cancer for so many years and still find the courage to smile, it takes something more than just will. I like the way she worried about her parent's reaction, looking at them and analyzing their response to the news. Some people would just look inside themselves and not really pay attention to what is going around them, but Allison didn't and that's what I liked about her.
Grammar: Ok, I didn't notice any spelling mistakes and so, but I noticed that you tend to miss commas in long phrases where they are essential for the understanding of the text. I'll give you an example: "Shelly was a bit longer in leaving but finally after standing awkwardly for a few minutes she quickly bolted out" - it should be like this: "Shelly took a bit longer in leaving but finally, after standing awkwardly for a few minutes, she quickly bolted out".
There are other mistakes like this one around the chapter, but a beta should take care of that, I guess.
Overall: It was very good, I liked it and I'll just head off to the next one.Author's Response: To start off, thank you so much for your review. I love that you didn't focus firmly just on grammer because I'm always more interested in the other parts. I'm glad you like the plot, I do too. It's my favorite story at the moemnt *grabs tightly* Allison is very strong, she is a Gryffie. The whole story Allison really is trying to see how everybody else is going to get affected instead of herself. My beta version of my story is waiting to be posted so hopefully my beta picked up that mistake but I'll double-check. ;-) Report Review
hey, this is lucretia neva/uptowngirlinlove from the forums, filling the review request. Ok let's get this going.
Plot: I like the idea of having Lily II/OC pairing and particularly one that deals with an OC that looks a bit like James. Lily II looks a lot like her mother and I guess she has inherited some of her grandmother's genes so it's a fact that Potter women fall for immature guys, as the Potter guys fall for red-heads. So, the plot is good and I can definitely see the potential in this story as long as you stay away from the classical cliches when dealing with romance.
Lily: As I've said before, she should be a mixture of her mother and grandmother, so it's good that you made her a Head Girl, as this position is held by good students, and fiery just like her mother was in school. I particularly enjoyed the acid exchange of replies between she and Dominic. That was really funny. A small detail though, it says in the epilogue that the only child of Harry's who inherited Lily's eyes was Albus, therefore we must assume that Lily II's eyes were brown like her mum's. But that's not such a big issue after all.
Dominic: Again, it's nice making him similar to James, I enjoyed the carefree nature in which he spoke to Lily and the assuredness in his behaviour.
Grammar: I'm not a native speaker but I did saw some mistakes there that I must point.
"group of his mates" - you can just say group of mates. The readers understand that it's his group, his friends.
"She doesn't half go on, doesn't she?" - it should be "she doesn't half go on, does she?"
surrounding - surroundings
lets face it - let's face it
"Hi Courtney, have a good..." - Hi Courtney, had a good...
And there are quite others that you should be paying attention to. I'd suggest getting a beta on the forums to help you with grammar.
Overall: it was a good beginning, but make sure you watch out for grammar and another thing, formatting issued. Speech should always start with a new paragraph, unless it's the same character speaking.Author's Response: Thank you for the fantastic review. I wanted Lily to resemble quite a few of her relatives and there is a James/Lily resemblence but I also want to make this original.
The grammar is going to be fixed soon, I hope to get a Beta who can help me out!
Thanks again! Report Review
That's such a nice chapter... I laughed and I cried... oh, this story is not getting enough appreciation!Author's Response: Thanks so much. I think my lack of frequent updating has lost some of my readers, but I'm glad you're enjoying it! Thanks for leaving a review! Report Review
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