Here I am, as promised, with tissue in hand... ;)
Really... You're starting us off with Fred's headstone... I'm not supposed to have to sniffle this early in a story! LOL But you're right, Fred would have wanted his final resting place to be close to home.
"Fred Weasley, Son. Brother. Hero" - A perfect description of him *sob*
The thought that Bill would come talk to him every morning, even though they spent so much time apart during Fred's teen years makes for an incredibly bittersweet picture.
The idea that the Weasleys are actively involved in reclaiming Hogwarts is perfect, and honestly something I never really thought about. Obviously a lot of work would need to be done before the castle would be habitable again, but it's always been more of a passing thought if you know what I mean. I think this bit lines you (or someone else) up perfectly for a "Reclaiming Hogwarts" fic (and feel free to use that title if you decide to write it... LOL
Oh... numerical slip up *heart breaks*
And here's Bill, trying to take the blame for Fred's death... and Iím sobbing...
I can see him, as the oldest believing that it was his responsibility to protect the others. After all, I'm sure he spent the majority of his time growing up helping to look after them.
...And here comes the anger...You're doing a great job with making the stages of grief feel natural here.
And we're on to Charlie...
You're going to torture me with each Weasley one by one aren't you... I hope I have enough tissues left by the time I get to Molly!
The difference between the way the brothers are handling Fred's death is a jolt... but a good one.
Bill, being older, still has a bit of anger, but it's at himself... Charlie here seems full of rage at himself and at the world in general for pulling his own life out from under him. But when he collapses, you can feel the pain and grief wash over him, drowning him. *sniffle*
And Percy's opening line has me reaching for a new tissue...
The guilt he feels is heart breaking, and the fact the he honestly believes, and thinks George believes, it should have been him makes you ache for him.
"What if he thought that Percy deserted him again like he had for so many years already?" - So much guilt :(
..Wait... Audrey? Isn't that Percy's wife's name... Oh! You sneaky dog you!
And now we're back to tears... "It should have been me..." every time he says it I cry a little harder.
Oh no... George... Can I just skip this part? Please... No? *sigh* Fine, but I'm grabbing a fresh tissue!
"He'd barely gotten used to being just George..." - That line right there brings it all home...How do you live with only half of yourself?
The fact that George is leaning on the Trio and Ginny to just get through the day is so realistic I can see it happening. Ron and Harry, his rocks to lean on, Ginny and Hermione to make him laugh, to show him that he was still able to, seems very natural.
I admit, I read this part as quickly as I could... and still, by the end, when George was clutching his brother's headstone, I was in full on sobs...
And now for Ron... oh dear... :(
I love how he's just catching Fred up on the day's gossip and activity. It seems so Ronish - Yes, his brother is gone, but it's not going to stop him from telling him everything. Maybe Ron has a better grasp on this than the others because he spent the majority of him life 1) preparing for something like this and 2) being in constant life and death situations alongside Harry and Hermione. Maybe those experiences gave him the little edge he needed to get through this... Then again, he may just have the emotional range of a teaspoon... LOL
Oh, and here comes Hermione... Just when I managed to stop crying for a minute =P
Leave it to her to make sure Fred hears about Ron's own accomplishments... and then you had to slip that line in one me.. didn't you! *sniffle*
I like that you have Ginny give us a set place in time here. It makes it easier to sort of track the family grieving progress. As we get further out it seems to be getting easier for them to just come and talk to Fred about everyday things... but the heaviness and sadness is still there... and always will be.
She's the first one to mention blaming Harry, at least at first, but we know that it must have crossed everyone's mind at one point or another... she's just the one to say it out loud, Then her talking about Harry blaming himself... again, you're keeping true to character.
"Fred was the perfect twenty year old, frozen in time." - Isn't that how we always remember those we've lost? Everything they did that annoyed us, or angered us, just fades away and this is what you're left with.
And here comes Harry... at least he starts the conversation with happy news...
Aww... he is looking after Teddy as promised... and, we're sniffling again...
This conversation with Fred is killing me a little.
All those little insecurities shoved away buried beneath determination is the essence of Harry, but the visual of him sitting there telling all this to Fred, making sure not to leave him out even all these years later, still breaks my heart.
...Why do you insist on killing me with their parting lines? Years later, they've all managed to move on the best they can, but hereís Harry, still blaming himself... *sob*
Oh Merlin save me... here comes Molly and Arthur...
Twelve years later and you can tell that the visits aren't daily anymore, but Fred's not forgotten. This is a lovely, yet again bittersweet, scene with Molly and Arthur catching him up on what all his nieces and nephews are doing. Then we had to start talking about Fred II didn't we... *sniffle*
And we end it all with one last sob.. That line, especially coming from Arthur, is truly the perfect ending to this beautifully written, heart wrenching story.
Amazing job my dear!
*applaud* Author's Response: Oh my gosh how do I even respond to this? This is such an awesome review. First of all, thank you!!!
I really worried about Molly and Arthur's section feeling boring, so I'm extra happy that you liked that one. Writing any of the Weasleys that isn't Bill or Charlie just generally terrifies me; your supportive review was just what I needed with this ♥
I didn't mean to make you sad! Well, I did, but I didn't actually want you to be sad. If that makes sense, haha. Writing Charlie and Bill's was my favorite, probably just because I'm more comfortable in their skin. Charlie especially felt to me like he was just angry. So angry. Hurt obviously, but so mad at *everything*.
I can't imagine that at some point, none of them blamed Harry. He did amazing things and he's the only reason more of them aren't dead. I'm sure they would have been the first family to be exterminated if Voldemort did succeed in his rise to power, but still. For just a few split seconds, how could you not wonder what it would have been like if he would have been part of another family? Bah. I just feel so sad for all of them.
Thanks again for stopping by, darling! And for leaving such an awesome review ♥ Report Review
I love stories with little to no dialogue. There's just something special about them. Perhaps it's because we don't often speak the way we think, therefor a story with no spoken lines is somehow more poetic.
The idea that Lily may have held love in her heart for Severus is fascinating. As I read so many thoughts swirled through my mind...
If only he had realized, had acted, we might have read a very different story. So many story lines go with the concept that it was always James. Even though they bickered and fought throughout their years at Hogwarts, it always seems like there was never anyone else.
But what if Snape's love wasn't as unrequited as we were lead to believe?
I loved this story, not only the flow - which was perfect - but the fact that when you're done you sit and think about what you've just read. Now that's a sign of a story well written.
Even though the whole story was wonderful I have to say my favorite line was:
"She breathed it in and thought of him, her friend, that other side, her equal and opposite, all shadow where she was flame."
It just seemed to sum up the feel of the whole piece in one line.
You did a fabulous job here!
Keep up the great work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Thank you very much for reading and reviewing this story! It's wonderful to hear that you enjoyed it! The no dialogue aspect of it turned out to be a challenge (which was the point, of course :P), so I'm glad that added to the story - it definitely gave me the opportunity to dig deeper into Lily's mind. Perhaps more importantly, it placed greater emphasis on the characters' actions, down to the tiniest twinge or shudder. It makes the story rather like a silent film, where the actors have to "say" everything with their faces. It's a fascinating way to write - yet it /sounds/ like it should be very simple.
Ah, I'm so pleased that you've picked up on that "what if" between Lily and Snape. If this situation had gone a step further, what kind of story would we have ended up with? I've seen a piece of fanart where Snape looks into the Mirror of Erised and sees himself in the place of James Potter - would that have actually happened? If so, does that mean that he would have instead died that night? There's no way of truly answering that question of what if, but all the same, it's such a big, burning... thing. So much so that it makes me lost for words. :P
You couldn't have given me a better compliment than saying that the story made you think afterwards, that it somehow stayed with you, even if for a little while. I love to be able to do that - it's what I love finding in stories because, when I do, I know that I've come across something amazing. Thank you, thank you for that! And thank you for this review! ^_^ Report Review
OK... as a rule I NEVER read crossovers. I tried once, and it was actually painful...
But when I saw you had crossed two of my favorite series, I couldn't resist! And I'm glad I didn't!
You did a wonderful job here blending and bouncing between the two worlds. The fact that you made the Death Eaters visible to the muggles instead having the mist cover them was perfect. Percy's reactions were right on... as were Annabelle's Mr. D's and Chiron's! I felt that Harry's dialogue felt a bit off, but nothing drastic.
In the beginning I thought Paul was being too nice, considering he hates Percy... and that makes me suspicious! Lol. Did Percy just happen to catch him in an oddly good mood? Or is there more too it??
I can't wait to see what happens when the trio gets to New York! This is going to be epic ;)
As far as corrections I noticed this typo:
"I mere want what was taken from me long ago." -should be merely
And as I was reading I found there were several awkward sentences and a few punctuation problems. The story is great, but I think a quick look over by a beta would make reading it a little easier ;)
Can't wait to get to the next chapter!
Keep up the great work ;)
~Moon~ Report Review
I love how this story bounces back and forth between Molly narrating, and the reader suddenly slipping inside Molly's head. It gives the story a nice feel. One minute you're going along making tea, the next it's almost like a random thought. The flow of it just feels so familiar, because this is how our minds function when we are alone.
The flash backs of her children is heart-wrenching, and nearly had me in tears... especially when the twins were mentione :'(
And by the time I got through the vision of the whole family gathered for dinner the tears started to fall. Then Arthur walks in and pulls Molly out of her vision/daydream and back to the reality of an empty house... and I had to find a tissue... lol
I absolutely loved the line: "He is the conductor, the master piece behind each line of music that is our lives."
The fact that you did this with no planning, no editing, is astounding. Yes there were parts that were a little repetitive, but that's how people think so it fits the mood of your story.
Over all an excellent piece of work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Oh my goodness. This one shot is so old!! It was so nice to see a new review for it. There are a lot of things looking at it today, that I'd like to edit and clean up (especially some of the grammar and repetetive language), but I am stilly relatively happy with it considering this is a first draft sort of story.
Molly is one of my favorite characters and I enjoy writing her from time to time. Annnd Arthur... love that man. I'm glad you picked out that line!! It's always interesting to me to see what bits stand out to readers.
Annnd, yes. The weasley twins always make me a bit sad, especially with as much time as I've devoted to writing George over the past year. lol.
So glad you read this and took the time to review!! Thank you so much.
Melissa Report Review
I swear we are sharing a brain cell!
This is exactly what I pictured Draco thinking during this scene. His internal strugle between what he had been taught and what he knew in his heart was right... perfect. It actually lines up nearly perfectly with my own new Draco oneshot Final Bloom!
There were a few tense errors, but nothing a quick beta or reread won't take care of.
Keep up the great work!!
~Moon~Author's Response: it looks like great minds think alike! Loll
and thanks for pointing out the mistakes!
im going back to correct them now hehe
thanks so much! thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Very nice. I love the feel of this story, the flow if it =)
This is the first nextgen slash fic I've ever read, and I loved it... It was Malfoy/Potter -squared!
He played the Potter boys, and it seriously backfired on him... I can only imagine how this will affect not only Albus, who has pulled a Cain & Able, killing his brother out of jealousy.. but also Scorpius, who will have to live knowing that if he had told the truth this whole situation may have been prevented.
Wonderful job darlin!
~Moon~Author's Response: Hey!!
I was pleasantly surprised to see a review for this old story! I had a long, 'artsy' spell in the late spring/summer of 2009 and I spit out a ton of one shots. I think this was part of that phase, if I remember correctly. I looked back over it before I began responding to this review, and though I can say that it's not my best work, I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it. It was a fun one to write!! I'm glad you were able to absorb the emotional range of it despite the short length.
Good to see you on my Author's page!! If you read anything else, you'll have to let me know!! :) Report Review
Ahh... The joys of being a first time parent.
You portrayed that feeling of completely helplessness and frustration that all parents go through so well.
I absolutely loved it when Lily slipped up and dropped the F-bomb... It was so out of character (from what we know about her) that it was the perfect tension breaker, and James reaction was great ;)
The last ditch attempt to lull baby Harry to sleep with the music was so sweet and when Sirius and Alice showed up I had to fight a couple tears off.
Lily's gratitude when he offered to keep an eye on Harry felt incredibly sincere. You could actually feel her relief. And the end where they fell asleep before they could even attempt ... other activities... was so sweet.
All in all a wonderful little oneshot!
I love the little glimpses into the lives of the Potters during that one year before tragedy struck.
Keep up the great work darling!!
~Moon~Author's Response: Hahah I liked the F bomb part too, just because I don't think (when it comes to constantly all night and day crying) anything goes to far, haha!
I am so happy you liked this little glimpse, I really can't wait to get to the sequel for Before They Fall because these moments are SO much fun to write.
Thank you so much for stopping by darling ♥ Report Review
So much pain in so few words.
You did a great job with this... I only wish I knew WHO the narrator was!! Lol
Keep up the good work ;)
~Moon~Author's Response: Thank you so much! :D
I'm so glad to hear I did a good job, it was my first time writing this type of stuff! :D
That was the point, even I don't know who the narrator is and I wrote it! ahahahaha!
Thank you so much for reviewing :D Report Review
Ok so I came across this story while browsing through the finished banners over at TDA and was intrigued! Draco/Luna? I'd never seen it before but instantly knew I had to check it out ;)
Your opening is a wonderful concept. The thought that those piece we saw floating away at the end of the battle were carrying tiny pieces of Voldemort's soul is fascinating! And that it could be absorbed ( I'm assuming that's what happened) by a person (presumably a Death Eater by the description ) is a brilliant idea!
I really can't wait to see where you go with this story ;)
One thing I did notice as I was reading were some awkward feeling sentences where there seemed to be too many or repetitive words. I know when is happens to me the best solution I find is to read it out loud, exactly as its written, and if you need a comparison for flow read a page of your favorite book aloud, then your chapter. I find that helps me straighten out any flow issues I have ;) It will also help you catch the few tense switches ;)
The only other thing was this one sentence
"Luna was kicking some loose rumbles..."
I'm assuming this is a typo and was supposed to be rubble lol ;)
Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what happens next!
~Moon~Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I will definitely try out what you have suggested for my next chapter. It's all typed out and I'll go through it once more.
Baha, yeah, it was a typo since I have this story and I was in a rush to type things out as all those ideas keep flowing :P
Thank you for taking your time to read! I hope what happens next would be up to your expectations? XD
-pencilsparks Report Review
Yup... sitting here crying...
This story was an epic look into the mind of Sirius Black. Seeing how damaged he actually is, and that he actually acknowledging it is heart-wrenching. Even seeing Lupin's pain peripherally hurts.
When he walked into the room with the boggart and saw James, or what he saw as James, lying dead on the floor and relived the worse experience of his life, I lost it. Full on sobs.
We always knew that Sirius was a little off after his time in Azkaban, and that he often projected James where Harry was, but this story shows just how deep the crack runs.
Incredible job darling!
~Moon~ Report Review
For some reason, by the time I hit the second paragraph of this story the voice in my head turned into the Monty Python narrator. LOL.
It reads like a text book that is being read by a professor who thinks hes funny, but never quite hits the mark... which makes it all the more amusing.
I enjoyed Nick's account of what had happened, though I found the reference to muggle things such as the 90s pop song...
(sidenote: I JUST had this conversation about that song with a friend the other day... A little too ironic, dontcha think? LOL)
...and Rocky Balboa seemed a little out of place. But overall it worked nicely. ;)
Good job darling!
~Moon~Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the review! Report Review
I loved the way this story started. You could actually see Neville worrying his fingers up and down the wand. The fact that he felt he had to protect Ginny and Luna, that they were his responsibility, is absolutely endearing. I love how he slowly works his courage up, reminding himself of all the brave things that he had already done and that he was in Gryffindor for a reason.
Making Snape Neville's "dragon" was brilliant. I read some of the other stories that were written for this challenge, and many of them took the dragon prompt literally... This was much more original. Seeing Neville do what he knew needed to be done, even though he was terrified, really speaks for his character.
"He would be Hogwat's defender, its champion." I actually teared up a little at that line.
Seeing Neville strengthen his resolve to fight for what he knew was right at the end just made me want to stand up and cheer.
Over all a wonderful story!
~Moon~Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm really glad you liked this. I tried to pick a more unique situation for the prompt. Neville is just such a great character, and I feel like there's so much in him to be explored! Thanks again for your review, I really appreciate it! Also, sorry for taking so long to respond! Report Review
It never fails to amaze me how much emotion can be packed into 500 little words.
From the start this story sent a chill through me, and I knew I was going to love it.
The idea of an inanimate object inflicting that sort of pain simply by showing images that may or may not be real is astounding. By the end I was sitting here hoping that someone would just free her from her misery, at that point even death would be welcome... and then death came. Quietly and quickly... from what I view as a nameless, faceless shadow... She knew him, or her, but even after reading the story twice I can't decide which Death-Eater ended her pain.
Excellent job darling!
~Moon~Author's Response: Oh, thank you! :) I'm glad you liked it!
Re: the guilty Death Eater - I wanted to leave it up to interpretation, but when I wrote it I was kind of thinking of Peter - this could have been his initiation of something.
Just a thought, though - like I said, I really wanted to leave this open to interpretation. :) Report Review
Such an awesome story.
It's life of Bellatrix... cliff-notes version! LOL
I love the connection you made with her sisters at the beginning. How 'Dromanda refused to be branded. It really set up her character for her adult choices. And Bella's love for Cissy... her dirty little secret. The thought that Bella could truly love someone, anyone, hits hard. Seeing that she was trained to be obsessed with The Dark Lord from birth makes it easy to believe her choices as an adult.
As you read this, you can actually see the madness slowly seeping in, even though she doesn't see it herself.
I love your descriptions of 'pain' - "Pain wasn't violent and red. Pain was cool and blue..." being my favorite.
And of course I did my little happy dance in my seat when you pulled out the best line of the series ;)
I love how at the end the concept of death barely phases her - only the fact that she won't be able to protect her beloved sister anymore. Brilliant.
The only CC I have is there is one line at the beginning that seems to be out of tense.
"Dromada hadn't been talking to Bellatrix."
The way it's connected to the rest of the sentence feels like it should be more along the lines of:
'Dromadad hadn't spoken to Bellatrix.'
That's all I have as far as CC.
~Moon~Author's Response: Thanks! Love it when people do favorite quotes! You just made my day!
Thanks so much for the review and the criticism! It's always welcome here :) Report Review
The flow of this story is beautiful, the anxiety tangible.
I had to keep slowing myself down, and making myself focus on the sentence I was reading because I wanted to jump ahead... I was dying to know what was going on!
So here we have Rose and Scorpius in the same common room... I'm going to take a leap here and say that Scorpius was sorted into Gryffindor... A concept that absolutely LOVE!
I was surprised what I got near that end, I wasn't expecting that twist... or the ending for that matter.
So sad. :(
You did an excellent job here and I look forward to reading more of your work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :)
I'm really glad that you liked this - it makes the effort of writing worth it when readers and reviewers like the story!
Haha, I've had several people tell me that! They had to make themselves slow down - I'd say that makes me very happy as a writer!
You know, I honestly never thought of that! It was kind of an unconscious decision, you know? But it seems like it was a good decision!
I've got this thing for leaving the reader utterly confused or speechless or whatever because I like that jaw-drop ending!
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed and I very much appreciate your review! :) Report Review
Oh... My... God.
Yes, I'm back.. and once again I am amazed with what you can do with only 500 words!
You know you had me going... all the way till the last line. LOL.
After I finished I had to go back and reread it, and THEN it clicked in my mind.
I had thought the father's voice was off through out the story... that's because I had the wrong father in mind.
I have a tear in my eye for one of my favorite characters.. and you put it there... Bravo!
You have officialy joined the ranks of my favorite authors :)
Can't wait till I have time to tackle you're big story!
10/10 - and I almost NEVER give those.. lol
Much love and adoration!
~Moon~Author's Response: Oh my gosh our review surprised me and I was so happy to see it! I am thrilled that you were tricked, I had some seriously sneaky fun trying to portray this as the Potters enough to make people think it was just a very OOC James and Lily :P.
Thank you so much for all your amazing reviews! The second I finish this three day novel craziness I will be stalking out your AP :)!
Jami Report Review
OK.. I actually have goose bumps from this one. So much emotion packed into so few words. It hits you like a cannon ball in the chest. And when Sirius sees the wreckage of the house, the reailty of what has happened, it's enough to bring you to tears.
Amazing work.. keep it up!
~Moon~Author's Response: Awww I was so happy to see you back!! I'm happy you felt the power to this story, because that's really what I wanted. Sirius was an absolute wreck at this point, trying so hard to convince himself it just wasn't true.
Thanks so much for both of your amazing reviews, darling. You seriously made my morning!!
♥ Report Review
I listened to the song before even reading the story. How a Carrie Underwood song got by me I have no idea, but I liked it! And I have to say you couldn't have picked a more perfect song for this piece. Throughout the story you can actually feel the storm raging, Astoria's fear, Draco's determination... Your descriptions make their emotions almost tangible.
I love your portrayal of Draco. I've always had a soft spot for him, and believed that there is much more to him than the whinny bully he is usually described as. This story shows that he does have a heart, and that after surviving the war he was able to find the courage to do what he knew was right.
I love that you show the growing relationship between him and Astoria, it never occurred to me that they might have been childhood friends.
As far as Astoria herself, your portrayal is chilling. I particularly loved the line:
"At Hogwarts she was a figment of her own imagination..."
The frightened child who grew into a terrified woman, forever defending the man who made her life a living hell right up till the moment she was rescued. And what an amazing rescue it was.
When Draco was watching her dancing in the ashes of her personal hell you could actually feel the relief flowing through both of them. And that moment when Draco finally saw her for the beautiful woman she had grown into instead of the frightened child he had known nearly made me tear up.
Over all you did an amazing job, and I only noticed two minor typos:
"Astoria heard the stores about her father" -stories
"He had been living off of blood money for yeas" - years
Can't wait to read more of your work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Ahhh it's such a good song, isn't it?? I heard it on my way to work, and then things just started turning. But the time I got to my office, I knew that I just had to write this fic!
I loved Draco's drive in this, also. Especially because he could have done so many other things to get rid of Mr. Greengrass, he had the power and the contacts to to so, but he chooses to use the right side of the law to help free Astoria from that terrible man.
I loved the end with the house, I just felt like she would need to get rid of every single reminder, and that house was a huge one.
ooops! Thank you for pointing those out! Silly fingers!!
Thank you so much for this incredible review, and for an awesome swap!! ♥
Jami Report Review
Loved it! First of all the flow is beautiful. There were no awkward transitions or glearing grammar errors to slow down the reading.
In this little piece you managed to show us why Snape grew up to be the bitter and angry man he was and for just a moment you could truly feel his pain and his loss.
This story also reinforces a personal manta of mine... If you don't ask the answer is always no... Which is probably one of the reasons I enjoyed this story so much.
Keep up the great work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Oh thank you so much! This piece has a small piece of my heart because I felt so bad for Snape as i was writing this! I'm so glad that so many other people are really enjoying this! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
What a cute moment at The Borrow. It made me giggle thinking about all the Weasley children being so young.
There were a few things I noticed though.
In the begining you used "was sat" a couple times. I don't know where it stands gramaticly, but to me it sounds awkward.. like it should be "sitting" instead of "sat" in both cases. Also in the line:
"A second later to cheeky faces..."
Should be two instead of to.
My only other thing is when you give the time later on in the story I found the number distracting. In most cases it's best to write the numbers out, or use something like - "just after three o'clock to be precise" and the second time the time is mentioned it just seems a little repetitive... so maybe something like "it was still unreasonably early after all..."
All in all it was a very cute story thought... and for some reason it makes me think that Ron had a rather severe cowlick as a child.. LOL
Keep up the good work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
Thanks for the CC, I'll take it into account when I edit the story.
I'm glad you liked it and thanks again for reviewing!
You know it's funny... I was actually kind of hoping for Slytherin. LOL! I love that Harry and the D.A. are legends at the school and are still talked about and looked up to. I also love that you're bringing back some of the old students as professors (fingers crossed for Neville in Herbology!) You are setting up the blooming friendship between Albus and Scorpius very nicely and I can't wait to see what happens next!
Keep up the good work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Thanks for both of the reviews :) Report Review
So history repeats itself... but with a twist! I'm really hoping this story is taking the path I think it is, because I would love to see Albus and Scorpius as friends. It seems as though James is taking after his namesake, a sweet boy who likes to stir up trouble now and then, but Albus seems to be a different story. I'm hoping that once he gets to Hogwarts he learns more about both of the men he was named after... and that just maybe being a Slytherin wouldn't be the end of the world ;)
Great start! And I'm off to chapter 2!
~Moon~ Report Review
Love it! You nailed Bella perfectly! From the sulking to the sneering to the obsession with Voldemort... Perfect. The disdain she shows for everyone, especially her sisters, seems right on. Even your portrayal of their mother is very believable. I can't wait to see what you do with Narcissa! Hopefully it has something to do with her spotting Lucius (and perhaps seeing him as an escape from her mother... *wink wink nudge nudge* LOL). Again, the only thing is I wish it was longer.
Keep up the good work and I'll be back when the next chapter is validated ;)
~Moon~Author's Response: Aaah you have no idea how much this means to me! I think I was most nervous about writing Bella correctly, because she's such a tricky character, so I'm so glad that you think I did her justice. Hehehe yes Narcissa does pine for Lucius a little bit in the next chapter...you'll see. Thanks so much for both of your reviews! I'm insanely happy that you like my story. Report Review
What a great beginning! I love the flow of this story, I can actually hear the accent and slightly hoity speech of the "well-bred." I love the representation of Andromeda, the Black sister we so know little about. Showing how the three girls, who were so different as adults, played together as children was wonderful. I also enjoyed her attempt at "corrupting" Ted.
The only thing I wish for is more of it. You have a wonderful writing style and the only thing I think could make this chapter better was if you made it a bit longer ;)
~Moon~Author's Response: Thank you so much! It was really fun to try to capture Andromeda and Ted's relationship because J.K. Rowling really did give us very little to work with for them. And haha yes, I figured I would make Andromeda a little mischievous and corruptive ;)
The chapters are quite short. When I wrote this I was just really nervous about writing their characters well so I made all the chapters into short snapshots, but I might have to go back later and expand on them now that I know their characters a little better. Thanks so much for the review and the critique! :D You have legitimately made my day. Report Review
That was definetly a moment in the mind of a very angry teenage boy. I've never thought about Snape being that way when he was younger.. I always thought of him as more sniviling and whinny with the occasional angry outburst at James.. LOL.. But his Lily obsession comes across loud in clear in this piece.
I did notice between this story and the previous one I read that you have a habit of, smooshing words together - ie: neckwristswaistshoulders - and I don't really understand the reason for it.
Keep up the good work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Hello again!
I mostly agree with you on Snape's whininess, actually, but I reckoned that all had to come from something real, so I ended up with this. *shrugs*
The giant words are my attempt to create an immediacy which IMO would be lost if I used conventional lists; commas, spaces and connectives all slow down pace, which is what I attempted *not* to do. Plus I have little to no regard for proper grammar and tend to make it up as I go along.
Thanks so much for your review! It's very much appreciated. Report Review
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