Hahahahaha, oh the joys of awkward kisses. I liked your description, although I couldn't help but want to squirm in embarrassment with her.
I'm glad you cleared up their ages. It helps explain a lot more about why she didn't know him and what not.
The stuff about claiming the library table was nice but kind of random at the same time. I wasn't sure what it accomplished.
I'm still confused about who else they're friends with. Cedrella seems to be a complete loner which confuses me. It'd be interesting to get more background on the relationships they have outside of each other. The amount of time they're spending together was impressive, but I like the fact that she was clueless about his feelings for her. It makes her seem more real.
I'd love to keep reviewing your story, so please request again when you update!!
Great job keeping it lighthearted but developing the characters fully!
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Hehe, I do love awkwardness! The movies never prepare you for how awkward first kisses can get. -.-
Relationships shall be further explored in the fifth or sixth chapter! Whe! Although the story is going to be mainly centered around Septimus, Cedrella, and the Blacks.
Your reviews have been so helpful, thank you! :D Report Review
I loved the scene in the library. She's so studious and it's cute. The library betrayed her...I can feel her pain but at the same time it's funny.
So she has a sister who was also a Ravenclaw? Interesting.
Septimus is so sweet! At first I was confused when the parchment went missing, and then with the letter that said "loophole." I thought it was a password to the restricted section or something. And then it turns out he copied down all the important books! Man, I want that kind of boy...*grin*
I was kind of confused in the library when he knew exactly what book to look in, but he didn't have the same assignment. Are they in the same year? If not, what is their age difference?
Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful relationship; you could definitely cut the story off here if you wanted to, but I'm glad you didn't. Sometimes I like having futures spelled out for me rather than leaving it up to my imagination.
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Cedrella's like the embodiment of the Ravenclaw house when it comes to studying. ^^; Ah no, she has a sister in Slytherin, so that's one of the many things I have to clear up during my revision I guess. :P
His year is explained in the next chapter (i think) ^^.
Yeah, this story wasn't supposed to be over a chapter long, let alone a short story, but the plot bunny ran away with me. :D
Thanks for the helpful review! :) Report Review
Very very interesting start! Your request had me worried that I wouldn't even like this chapter, but I did.
I loved the initial awkwardness of Dumbledore catching her peeking out the window and just standing there. I have a lot of respect for her mom, working hard, coming home and having a strange man at her door talking about magic. And yet she somehow manages to not completely lose her composure. The news about Sirius had to have been distressing, but I'm interested in finding out what will happen with him. Dumbledore implied that Sirius was innocent, which makes me wonder if he's taking any steps to get him released.
In terms of the time frame, I feel like Monica will be close in age to Harry (maybe a year older/younger). I wonder how they'll get a long if they ever interact.
I love the wonder you capture in Monica's first exposure to magic! She seems bright, able to put together the pieces. I wonder what House she'll be sorted into.
I think you're off to a fabulous start, feel free to request again when you update! I'll keep reading as long as I can (no guarantees I'll keep going if it gets extremely dark/creepy).
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Like I said, the warnings are for later and I think more for precaution. I'm always afraid to get in trouble with the tos!
Monica is in reality a year older (born 1979) but in the same year because her birthday is in late November meaning that she was not eleven before September 1st which would have put her in the year before. Originally I hadn't intended them to be in the same year, but I did not want to go any younger when it came to Sirius's age when Monica was conceived. Overall though I think that worked out anyway because I had a lot of characters to work with and room to grow as not all of the students were listed in Harry's year.
The first chapter (or second one as it would appear) is currently waiting to be validated. I will certainly let you know!
Thank you so much for the review :)
~Alex Report Review
I really enjoyed this introduction to the characters:)
I like that Cedrella is sorted into Ravenclaw. I think it shows a lot about her temperament in contrast with that of the stereotypical Black.
This line confused me: "Her friends simply did not understand why she would chose her free period to stay cooped up in the dusty room when Hogwarts was having a rare month of warmth and sun so close to winter, but she had been sorted into Ravenclaw for a reason." - wouldn't her friends be Ravenclaws? In that case, wouldn't they also be studying? And even if they aren't., if she's this swamped by work, other students should be as well...
I liked the mocking interaction between Black and Weasley, but I think her looking at herself in a mirror later takes the cake.
I think this was a cute and funny introduction to the two main characters, you're off to a great start!
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Hehe I'm glad you liked the intro! :)
Oh, I should've elaborated on her friends; while she is sorted into Ravenclaw, her friends are mostly Slytherins, due to her sister being sorted into Slytherin as well, and she also knows various people from classes and family connections. :) (I should change that *sigh*)
Thank you! Report Review
Harry and Ginny are starting to annoy me. I've tried to cut them some slack, but I just can't help but feel they need to grow up a bit. Yeah, it's terrifying, your child is in the hospital having seizures and speaking prophecies, but being impatient with him won't help anything.
Part of me wishes Teddy and Vic had never gotten together because then maybe Teddy and Dom would have a shot. They seem to work well together and maybe could, except for the fact that Dom and Vic are sisters.
Astrid's line: "Prophecies are not explicit, but I'm afraid I have only heard of one Dark Lord and one Chosen One. I'm afraid so," is interesting to me because it reaffirmed the possibility that the prophecy wasn't speaking about the past, but rather about the future. That could very well tie into the visions that James saw about his family and friends. I would think after everything Harry has been through with Prophecies that he would be more careful before jumping to conclusions, no matter how obvious they seem. Maybe it does predict his death, but that kind of takes the fun out of the chase.
This line confused me: "The hype of nearly every event, every relationship was expressed passed the length to which it would have been anywhere else." I wasn't sure what you meant by was expressed passed the length. Do you mean past the length? maybe something to do with parsed? I really wasn't sure.
This one also through me for a loop: "Some think it's pretty neat actually that you're a seer, and it really kind of us, Jamie." What does it really kind of us mean? I followed that some think it's cool but the rest of it lost me.
Yay for Scorpius interactions! I'd love to get some more of those, but no big. It reminds of me of when James saw Scorpius on the Express sitting with his cousins.
I think Al being a Parselmouth will be interesting. Clearly it runs in Harry's genes and maybe it will help the brothers remain close together. Or maybe it will further test their relationship.
I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of your story, so do feel free to request again! I promise I'll try to not take so long reviewing. I finally caught up though :D
Very solid story!
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Ah, the one that seemed out of the loop is supposed to say "is" instead of "us." My bad. That needs to be fixed. :P Thanks! I'm glad you like Scorpius. He will be around a lot more in the future. :)
Thanks. I'm so glad to hear you are liking it. Hopefully you will come back for more. :) Report Review
Ahh, I loved this chapter!! I felt like not a lot happened plot-wise, but emotionally it was so beautiful!
At first I was really happy for James that Al was there. And then I felt bad if Al was just doing his duty (although he sounded like he wanted to be there). And then they had their honest conversation and I was so wonderfully happy. I think it means a lot that James is able to get some closure to at least one of the things that has been bothering him.
My favorite line was: "he found it hard to care about what he was in that moment. He had his lifelong best friend back. It was easy to forget that he was epileptic, that he was a seer, that he could hardly move comfortably. All he cared about was that his brother wasn't made of stone."
I think that's a perfect representation of the relief he feels at having "his other half" back in his life the way he felt they should be.
I liked the fact that Dudley and Harry had reconciled. Harry being the namesake for Dudley's child was a nice touch. Even though they haven't done a lot for the plot yet, I hope they'll come back into the story and weren't there just to show us a moment in Harry's life.
Little Harry's smile and his desire to be a wizard might be a trigger somehow/somewhere. Maybe it foreshadows the future?
Loved this chapter because of its fluffiness:)Author's Response: Awe, thanks! I'm glad you liked that line. ;) Thanks! I thought the Harry and Dudley moment would be a nice touch too because so many next gen fics never really address what happened to the Dursleys and I didn't want to be one of those that left that aspect out.
Thank you so much! :) Report Review
Poor poor James! I liked your description of his seizures; they were very similar in effect to what my cousin has described his seizures to be. Thank you for doing your research on this topic; it shows.
I sense that his choice to hide the seizure from his family may impact him later...hm.
Interesting touch with having there be a Head Boy/Girl for every House. I wonder if that will change the typical dynamic in any way? Also, I was unclear on how James and Lorcan could both be Prefects...unless they weren't? But then why/how would James become the Gryffindor Head Boy?
Lorcan's line about "I'll give you a heads up, why don't you leave the Heads meeting early" was funny.
The scene with Teddy, James and Dom was sweet. I liked the normality of their interactions, bickering and all. It's nice that James knows how to put Dom to sleep, just reinforces their relationship.
The scene in the Great Hall was very very very interesting. First seeing people's futures, then the actual prophecy. This adds a lot to the plot.
I'd love to get more about reactions around James through his visions, not just what he sees. But not a big deal.
On a side note, capitalizing epilepsy was probably unnecessary. Its makes it seem more out of place. It'd be like saying "oh, so and so has Cancer" as opposed to "oh, so and so has cancer"
Well done this chapter!!Author's Response: Ahh okay! Thank you for pointing those things out for me. The capitalization of epilepsy has been throwing me off, and I haven't known quite what to do with it, but thank you for that!
Thanks so much for all of your input. :) Report Review
I liked how Dom knows James well enough to know he's starting to freak himself out and is able to stop him. I think that speaks volumes about their relationship because she's not going to let him panic and she's not going to panic when he does.
I didn't like the mention about Penelope Clearwater favoring the Gryffindors. One, because she was a Ravenclaw so why choose the Gryffindors and two because it doesn't seem right that a Head would work to give one house the cup (I know Dumbledore does it, but that's one of the things that bugs me).
I liked the way Teddy and Dom are both chosen to become Professors. It did feel rather random and sudden, but my desire to see them happy trumps my logical reasoning in this case. Especially with Dom. James already has these visions/seizures, he should at least be able to have his best friend at school.
The relationship contrasts between Teddy and James and James and Al are very very interesting to me. I see Teddy as the older brother; he warns James when he's on thin ice, he is willing to mind him, they have a mutual relationship, they care about each other and sometimes they insert foot in mouth with their words. It's interesting because this relationship is directly contrasted with James/Al. Neither one cares for the other and they seem to take their dislike to new levels, bringing in other family members in addition to their own feuds. It's hard because I can relate to the relationship between James and Al, even as I cringe at their behavior towards on another.
I guess at the end of the day I really like the way the two relationships are so different, even though James is in both of them.
I wonder what triggered the seizure? I thought he took all his medicine. Maybe it was his feelings or the alcohol?
I'm really liking this story!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Your thoughts and comments are really very helpful to me, and I appreciate it so much. Thank you! I'm glad to see you are enjoying the story. Hope to see you back for more! :)
Drue Report Review
Interesting chapter! It's almost like this is the end of James's life as he knows it. But that just makes for more adventures.
Some word choices/confusion:
the sign he held when he lacked sleep - the sign that he lacked sleep
James nearly questioned the thought but found that it wouldn't have been the best of ideas. - how did he find that it wasn't the best of ideas? why?
I'm not sure how I feel about Harry and Ginny's parenting style. But I suppose it doesn't really matter. I do have a problem with it although I'm sure there are justifications as to why they chose to raise their children the way they did.
I liked how I could almost feel James's relief when his father accepted his apology. I really like that I'm getting more connected to James.
The last lines about a minder were funny because they reminded me of canon Harry lashing out at people watching him.
Very interesting chapter!
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! Ah, yes that is definitely a little word mistake there. :/ Thanks for pointing that out!
Ah, all right. I'm sorry you disagree with their parenting style. I had a hard time trying to decide how they would treat what. I really have a difficult time envisioning either of them after the battle, but I really do find them being more relaxed about most situations.
Thank you! I'm glad you at least found Harry somewhat in canon! Thanks so much again! :)
Drue Report Review
Wow, let me just say out of all things, I was not expecting the Order to show up!
The scene with Auxilry and Fenir was creepy and twisted but at the same time it was oddly comical (although that may have just been me). The way Fenir knocks out several Fire-Eaters made me want to laugh.
mines old Hogwarts friend, Robert Pennant - should be my old Hogwarts friend
I wasn't too sure why every one left Nydia and Raven alone, let alone why they trusted that Cel could handle them, but alrighty.
Celestine seems to already have a short temper; she lets out an annoyed sigh when Raven won't sit and then proceeds to just leave them in her living room. Thus, I'm given conflicted emotions about her. For one part I feel like she wants to reconnect with her sister. For the other part I feel like she wants to just wash her hands of Raven and leave her to her own devices.
I really liked the twist in this chapter, mainly because I wasn't expecting it. This chapter left me with a lot more questions than it answered, so I'm looking forward to chapter 7!
I'd love it if you re-requested when you update again:)
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: I'm working on chapter 7. Most of your questions will be answered in 7, since Cel is going to talk to Raven, and after all, Raven has mentioned that she hasn't seen her sister in years.
Consider Auxilry and Fenrir as two villians who have teamed up, but don't have the same intentions. Again, chapter 7, which I imagine is going to be very long, will be more detailed. Now I need to go write all the loose ends I need to clear up in chapter 7 and try to format it into an entertaining story >.<
Thanks for taking the time! :D Report Review
Alrighty, here are chapter four and five combined.
Vanessa repeats the spell and he howls, throwing himself against the wall. How did he manage to throw himself against a wall while under the Cruciatus curse? Im impressed
a group of her dedicated Fire-Eater followers behind her. Dissension in the ranks? I knew I didnt like her
The interaction with Nydia confused me. Absolutely nothing happened. Raven showed her a bag and then they left. Part of me wanted Nydia to come with them because that would have made sense and fit with her earlier feelings. But instead they detoured up to the tower, exchanged a few words and left.
The mental connection with her aunt is eerie, especially when you realize it means shes never going to be safe because her aunt will always be able to search her memories and find where she is. Im curious as to how that was established.
Vanessas betrayal was hard to stomach. First because she was a friend of Raven, second because I felt like she was already massively overstepping her bounds and third because she chose the aunt over her friend. The fact that she has her own group of dedicated Fire-Eaters is very weird. I kept trying to picture the Fire-Eaters as a hierarchical organization only to find that it really doesnt function that way even though they have ranks and such.
The fact that neither of them transformed during the fight was something I found interesting. Raven mentioned that if Vanessa had wanted to kill her she would have transformed
why? Wouldnt that but Vanessa at a serious disadvantage because the transformations cause her a lot of pain? I felt like they were both more equal in their human forms than otherwise.
His gasping breath stays behind me, along with an occasional thunk as he falls to the ground. He is naturally clumsy and can't even walk without falling over something, let alone run. But he just took out a pile of Fire-Eaters
I feel like this might be for comic relief, but it really doesnt fit here. Hes been running and not falling, so that he would all of a sudden continually fall just seems odd.
Their conversation was extremely awkward. Oh, by the way, Im engaged, just thought you should know. Alrighty. Sounds good?
you've MAGICALLY popped back up in my life acting like we could be a thing again! - Well, I mean I know she did, but I didnt really think shed given any indication to him. Unless I missed something huge
Nice touch with the lyrics. I liked that addition, they fit in well the way they were included.
Well the last scene was interesting. I was definitely curious as to how their interaction was going to end up. Auxilry is interesting to me because shes been painted as so clearly evil. I find that I prefer characters who are evil but have motives or reasons that are understandable. I have yet to find a single redeeming feature in her so shes functioning more as the boogeyman in the closet as opposed to a character one is actually able to feel conflicted over. But I suppose we all need something to completely loathe that doesnt deserve a chance at redemption (even if they never choose to take it).
I liked these two chapters; here the revisions you made become glaringly obvious as they completely shift the direction/style of the story. On that note, your writing style seems to have changed substantially if Im remembering the originals correctly. Not at all a bad thing. Now Im off to read chapter six!Author's Response: I'll be honest with you, Auxilry is one of my all time favourite characters. There is a story behind her, though I'm not sure if I'll get it written in because I can't imagine her actually telling Raven her story.
I'm not sure what to say, it's alot of advise to process at once. Thanks for taking the time :D Report Review
Alrighty, so I typed up my review for the first three chapters in word and it's ridiculously long, so here it is. I'll post my review for chapter four with chapter five.
Hey, I think youve done a lot of work on the original three chapters, nice job! You definitely cleared up a lot of the questions I had and added a nice introduction to the characters rather than just throwing them into the story. I like the initial dream; I think its definitely plausible that the dream serves as a trigger for her unease in the subsequent chapters. That said, you have Raven feeling very upset about a variety of things, even if she only had the dream today. So Im torn between thinking that the dream is a significant turning point and the idea that it wasnt because she has always had these thoughts. The problem with that is then Im unsure as to how she rose in the ranks and why shes still there
why she every joined them anyway. I understand her aunts words were powerful but at the same time Ive having a hard time imagining that she was able to wake up one day and rebel against said words.
On a similar note, she seems to have the same hero/saving-people complex that Harry has. Not sure if this matters yet, but just be careful that you dont make them too similar.
In terms of word choice/grammar, you had a couple of errors in each chapter.
Vanessa dismounts me that sounds really awkward. You might as well say gets off of me or if you prefer, releases me
After the three, she created nine others who had similar weaker aspects, until her magic feigned. Besides for the original Twelve, no one could change into a werewolf whenever they wanted, and their magic was weaker. The word should be waned, not feigned. So it should be until her magic waned. After the three should be After the third Besides for the original Twelve, should read aside from the original Twelve
Sure, Vanessa and Nydia are the other two. They can change into werewolves at whim also, except it puts them into severe pain. Of course is probably a better term than sure. werewolves at whim should be either werewolves at will or werewolves on a whim. It puts them in severe pain, not into
I liked the allusions to Vanessas bloodthirst this chapter and the way it ties into Chapter 2. The attention to detail helps make the story flow better even if it isnt consciously noticed.
screams from the dying I like this phrase except for the fact that its used in conjunction with the Avada Kedavra curse. At that point Im confused. Why? Because it kills instantly. People that are hit with it dont have time to scream as they die. Other can, but thats not what this sentence implies. Id change the first part to include something about vicious curses being used or something in order to allow for the possibility of people screaming while they die.
I was only the icon and could be killed and replaced in the blink of an eye. shes the pure-bred icon. How can they replace her if everyone else is inferior? She clearly has some value.
If I ran away, Auxilry would hunt me down, and kill everything I love. What does she love? Her two friends? Well they obviously cant all be killed otherwise all the Fire-Eaters will be unable to transform at will. Thus there really wont be anyone in command.
because of loyalty to me. just me being picky here, but out of loyalty to me flows better.
whos stayed should be who has. Whos or anything s implies the contraction of is.
therefore is why shes with the Fire-Eaters that is why shes with the Fire-Eaters.
I liked the end scene with the man with blue eyes. I like that he wasnt the mysterious man yet, it adds to the suspense and keeps the story moving.
I grimly open my eyes to the sun outside. Not sure why youd open your eyes and look at the sun first thing
maybe re-phrase this one to say something about the sun lighting her room and her opening her eyes to that.
so much death its beginning to take a toll on her. should be its
When I was the weakest, he shows up on my doorstep, and Vanessa orders me to kill him. when I was at my weakest. Im not sure why Vanessa has the right to order her around. Last I checked General was higher than Sergeant.
Interesting introduction to the character of Teddy; his resignation in the face of death was interesting. If he thinks she hated him Im surprised he didnt try to lash out more. But I liked this introduction a lot more. I really dont like Vanessa in this new revised version. Shes stepping out of her place and I miss the fact that shes not really a true friend to Raven. But eh.
I'm still liking your story!
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Thanks for the critique! I'll get on that.
There'll be a bit more explanation to Vanessa's character in chapter 7. Thanks for your hard work in reviewing :D Report Review
Aww, I really really loved this! I can relate to Ron, so I suppose that's why.
I loved the detail about the newspaper. He read the articles to see her name, not because he cared about what was written, even though doing so made it hurt more. I thought that was very realistic, and a better way of communicating that than saying "seeing her name hurt." So well done!
I love Luna's spacey-ness although I can't help but feel she's not as clueless as she looks. I have a feeling she know exactly what she's doing to him.
The story with the flowers was sweet, as was Ron's hyper-awareness. Looks like he's falling unawares *grin*
I think you're off to a great start, building suspense while developing the characters.
I look forward to reading more about this relationship.
In terms of George, I thought the details added a lot, such as the fact that he counted the money in memory of Fred and such. I wasn't sure how I felt about the different angles of interaction he had with Ron. I'm not sure what leaving the newspaper gained him, and the directness of the conversation with Ron as opposed to the ritualistic conversation they had been having. But I suppose he's doing the best he can/knows how, so it works. I'm hoping more characterization of him will develop throughout this story so he becomes more than a brother/employer.
I'd love it if you re-requested a review when you update again!
9/10Author's Response: I am so glad you enjoyed this so much! It's a bit scary, venturing out with a Ron/Luna, because it gets a bit of silent criticism. So thank you!
Also -- yes, George becomes a bit more involved in Ron's story in later chapters. He gets... I guess like a mentor? Or a conscience, maybe.
Thank you so much!! Report Review
Hey, it's CrazyForYou from the forum. Sorry it's taken me so long to review; finals week was brutal.
I like your banner, I think it's great that you made it yourself!
I think you're off to a fine start plot-wise. I like the little allusions you make to things, such as the blond Hufflepuff. It makes it interesting when there is the clear cut storyline to follow but also little other questions that are (hopefully) answered or expanded upon later on.
You had a couple of word choice/spelling mistakes, but not a big deal. Some of the ones that stood out to me were:
Our area had always been quite humble - I think I understand what you're going for here, but contextually, humble isn't the right word. I'd say poor, or if you're trying to use a euphemism, say our area has never been well off.
The majority lacking in medical insurance - The majority lacked medical insurance
To stay out of the brewing war. - This works when spoken, but in writing its harder to accept fragments. I'd maybe use as semicolon and make it an independent clause and then attach it to the previous sentence to keep the same feel.
unknowledgeable of the competition. - unknowledgeable of feels awkward. Say clueless about or never knowing about.
boyfriends - unless she has multiple boyfriends, this should be boyfriend's
henceforth was usually on the receiving end - thus works better than henceforth in this sentence.
I like the drama building up in terms of the prank war and also the alluded to war at the beginning. I'd be careful about not letting Rom and Dom become copies of Fred and George, but other than that, I think you're doing great!
I look forward to reading more about the individual characters in future chapters; feel free to request another review when you update again!
~CrazyForYou Report Review
Haha cute way to end this story! I think it's really interesting because it covers a lot of different moods. At the same time, I felt like the middle/end became kind of off the wall.
You had a couple of errors, but no big deal. One I saw was: She fell for you're scrawny pale ass back in seventh year" -- Should be "your" scrawny pale ass.
Lily's characterization is sweet and James at the end is adorable. I wasn't sure about the Marauders. Sirius's prank seemed really insane, especially because they were in a war. It struck me as slightly odd that he would even suggest staging a kidnapping when they were actually happening.
That being said, I think this one shot had a nice balance of sweet. fun, humorous and generally realistic. The alcohol bit at the beginning seemed borderline alcoholism because James was drinking by himself, drowning in his sorrows. Not the best start...but he sort of redeemed himself.
I was slightly confused at the end as to why James was so confused. I know he was stunned, but why hadn't he woken up earlier?
Overall, sweet and funny one-shot. I think you have interesting interpretations of the characters that attempts to maintain the silly side of the Marauders even as they grow older. I appreciate that, even if I'm unsure about the level of pranks.
Nicely done!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review - you definitely gave me a lot to think about (thanks for the spelling bit first - I do tend to have a problem with hyphenations in this story, no clue why).
I did recognized Sirius' farfetched-ness at that part, as well as how ignorant his suggestion would be - but I was also trying to reference the fact that the Sirius in my head, well - the younger Sirius would generally come up with ideas that, at best, others would find highly inappropriate. Namely, I was also thinking along the lines that this was the same guy who thought it was appropriate to send a fellow student - abeit one he highly disliked - into a trap were a werewolf waited for him at the end. So that's what was trying to go through my mind when he made that particular off-colored suggestion - I really appreciate the comment though and it will be something that I think about in future stories.
Honestly, as to why he was so confused at the end - I think that, yes, he would have woken up occasionally while his friends were trying to 'set things up' but in order to keep him 'going along with it', Sirius probably would have had no quams about stunning him another two of three times - and, combined with his earlier unfeeling/grogginess, he'd be left out of the loop for a bit. It is another thing to think about though.
Thank you so much for such an honest review - I'm thrilled that you like it, and that you've given me things to think about for other stories and comedic attempts in the near future. I really appreciated what you had to share and what you thought! Report Review
Hey, sorry it's taken so long to get to this next chapter; life went into overdrive.
I really like this chapter; I think you do a very good job conveying Ginny and Harry's reaction as parents. Regardless of whether or not James has taken drugs or anything like that, their response was very natural. Well done:)
You have a couple of errors, but nothing major. A few that stood out to me were:
"but then her instincts took over as she met in in the eye" -- I felt like you intended for this to be "as she met *him* in the eye"
"He had even collected the springs of pens, along with all his other useless muggle crap" -- For some reason, your use of crap here bugged me. I felt like it detracted from Ginny's character; made her seem more immature/childish. It really is up to you to keep it, but I felt like an adult woman really wouldn't describe her late father's memorabilia as "crap". Maybe he isn't her late father, but your use of the past tense made me feel like he's dead (I'm not an expert on canon, nor do I care to be haha)
"She realized just how badly their son's situation was" -- "She realized how *bad* their son's situation was" makes more sense.
I really liked this chapter, even if it did function more as a filler because it sets up their individual emotions and possible responses to the result of this seizure.
Well done!Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much for pointing those out! You're very right. :) I will have those fixed.
Don't worry about taking awhile. I completely understand. Don't worry; I've been there. ;) I'm just glad to see that you are enjoying the story!
Thank you so much for the kind and helpful review! :)
Drue Report Review
I think you have a really interesting start here!
I really enjoyed the interactions between the family, especially between the siblings, and between James and Dom. I look forward to that developing more; I think sibling and cousin relationships are fascinating!
I'm not sure how I feel about James getting the seizures. He already feels alienated, so I feel like I'd rather it be Al who had something happen out of the ordinary, just based on James's portrayal of him. Of course, James is probably biased. I do look forward to seeing how this new development will affect James himself as well as all the relationships that surround him.
You had a couple of sentences that gave me pause, but not a big deal:
However, Ginny was always home weekends and half the time she did work from home on the weekdays, and as was Harry unless on an assignment. - I wasn't sure what the second part of this sentence meant. Did you mean Harry was home on weekends as well? Because that seems to blatantly contradict the previous sentences about not seeing their parents ever because they were at work.
At school it had always been him, Dom, Molly, Lorcan Scamander, and Norah Longbottom together. Now, they would be one less. - I have to wonder how it would have been for Dom her first year, if she didn't find her 'good' friends until she was a second year.
I'm still unsure about Ginny's character because a lot of the descriptions seemed to contradict each other, but I'm sure future chapters will work that out.
I look forward to reading more of your story, I think you have enough going on that you interest the reader in more than on plot-line without overwhelming them with details. Very nicely done!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the super kind review! That really means a lot to me! Thanks for your time, and I'm glad to see that you're enjoying the story!
I hope you are back for more. :)
Drue Report Review
And now we get some action:)
I liked the story to how they got together, I think it was believable. I also liked her hyper-awareness about the situation. It always strikes me as odd when the 'mistress' doesn't think about possible repercussions and is ok with doing things in public. Well done.
There were a couple of places where Holly's narration become more slang than polished. The main one that I felt didn't fit contextually was: It was strange, fairy-tale almost in the way that it happened, but so not they lived happily ever after. - the 'so' felt awkward in this sentence, almost like it was trying to mitigate the not happily ever after as opposed to emphasizing it.
I think you've got a lot of interesting things going on. In terms of linking this chapter back to the first one, I think the emphasis on Holly being a wall flower was over done.
I'm also kind of curious as to why Autumn doesn't have a larger posse, and why they seem to mostly be Hufflepuffs. I feel like that might not quite suit the image of rich, elitist purebloods. But maybe that's just me. Arguably Zacharias Smith is all of the above, and he's a Hufflepuff too.
I think you've got a lot of potential, even though the ending and what not are pretty predictable unless you do something very drastic and surprising.
Feel free to request again! Report Review
Interesting, very interesting.
The first paragraph made it sound like they were young children, especially with the emphasis on the innocence and non-sexualized fun. It kind of made me wonder if this was the different kind of game.
I really enjoyed the three different character introductions and the way the reflected each other. I wish Oliver's could have had a bit more depth, but that's because I loved the little details, such as Autumn's toe-curing, shaky voice, and Holly's cross-leggedness in front of a cauldron.
The emphasis on Holly being a wallflower is interesting, but now I feel like it's a HUGE deal, as in, no one knows she exists and such because she's such a wall flower.
I definitely found the tone shifts in the chapter to be substantial, but I think they added to the concept of a "game," building the excitement for what happens next.
Well done; the last line is a nice clincher! Report Review
Aw, how cute!
I rather like the way the ending is left open ended, even though I hate not getting closure. But I guess that just shows that you left me optimistic enough to imagine that they do have a future together.
I think the way you portray Ron as still immature and unable to communicate effectively is interesting. I think it is believable because he's so deftly portrayed that way in the books, but at the same time I can't help but wish he'd grown up more. I suppose the fact that he knows things about Hermione and he's more in touch with his feelings mean that not all hope is lost:)
I think you captured the real awkwardness between couples really well, especially couples that have a similar dynamic to the relationship between Ron and Hermione. I think there are failures on both of their parts, and I think you do a good job portraying that neither of them is to blame for this night becoming different than what either of them anticipated.
In terms of the song, I think you could have incorporated the lyrics directly into the story/dialogue, as opposed to tacking them on at the end. But not a big deal.
The letter at the end was sweet, but I can only hope that isn't how he actually proposes. But maybe that's because I'm a hopeless romantic, and a letter doesn't quite substitute. But I guess she knew it was coming anyway...
Very well done!Author's Response: Thankyou! I'll take your advice into account :)
Thanks again :) Report Review
I'm really loving your one-shots! A couple years ago I couldn't stand one-shots because I felt like there was never enough development to make it a story, but I feel like you have the ability to develop characters through individual snapshots of their lives. Well done!
You've got a couple of awkward sentences/phrasing, but not a big deal:
A part of him dawned. - I wasn't sure what to make of this sentence. It didn't really make sense in the way I think you wanted it to. Maybe expand more on what dawned or what that means.
These would be the people that would grow up and inherit their world, discrimination of blood and against those who had aligned themselves with the wrong side during the war eradicated, with any hope for good. - I think I understand what you're going for here, but it doesn't really make sense. This sentence is wordy and kind of convoluted because there is no clear subject, verb, object structure.
I really enjoyed this story. I think the back-story to this relationship between Scorpius and Rose is sweet.
If anything I would have liked more of the comparisons to be drawn between the different generations through showing, rather than telling. I liked the part where you mentioned how the kids wouldn't care who had gotten married because they didn't live by the divisiveness of the past, I think that was a powerful indicator of how the times had changed.
I liked the incorporation of something old, new, borrowed and blue, but I wish there could have been 4 things as opposed to 3 (just for tradition's sake) and maybe that it had been described more subtly.
The addition of more "Wotters" was clever, I think it's an additional touch that made the story seem that much more believable.
The James Blunt lyrics were a wonderful addition as well, reflecting a lot about the way the characters were feeling and just the overall mood of the story.
Very well done!Author's Response: Wow, what a lovely review!
So glad you liked my one shots, and Scorose. Great points on the showing/telling thing, I'll have to watch that, and maybe change the borrowed/blue etc thing!
So glad you liked the new "Wotters", I hoped it wouldnt come accross as irrelevant, the same with the song!
Thank you! Report Review
Super fluffy and cute:)
I wasn't sure how I felt about naming Diggory, Jessie. It almost felt too cliche, but I suppose it worked. *grin*
You had a couple of typos, but not a big deal.
But he likes being called Jess'e instead - ought to be "Jessie"
Gentle and laidback as she was on the field - ought to be "off" the field.
I liked the way you incorporated the Lady Gaga piece directly into the story (I considered the oh-no's equivalent to her oh-oh's.)
The part about the cats was kind of odd. It just seemed wrong that she could have that many cats when everyone else is allowed 1 pet. The part about Fitch was cute though:)
Very sweet, and I like the last bit where you learn that she actually ends up with Daniel.Author's Response: Hey!
Haha the name was sort of meant ot be cliched, but I had to do it! Sorry about the misakes, hopefully it didnt affect your overall impression of it!
So glad the gaga thing worked! Yeah, the filch thing (yay the cuteness came accross!) was because she wanted to sneak in her cats. I should explain more, but for me the next gen kids are let away with everything because of who they are, so unfair!
Aww thank you! Report Review
Loved the initial description. I can totally picture him standing on deck, looking out at the ocean around him.
I was unsure about his comparisons to the navy and his reflections that it was never his path even though he preferred it. I understand Hogwarts would have complicated things, but I feel like there's more details missing (maybe future stuff about his brother? I hope so, I'm really curious:))
LOVE Benedict! He seems like a legitimately kind man, especially when he shows Ezekiel around and when he dismisses them. I'd be interested in watching the conversation between the Captain and the First Lieutenant.
The dream at the end is really creepy. Maybe the death of the mother?
I liked the description of Benedict at the beginning, but I felt it was rather unfair to Maria. I feel like I'm supposed to hate her because all of Ezekiel's comment and interactions with/about her are negative while people (like his father), who he doesn't particularly like seem to approve of Maria.
The initial interaction with Benedict was good because I felt it made Ezekiel more human. He's intimidated, he's rather overwhelmed and sometimes he can't keep his mouth shut. Not characteristics of the ideal soldier, but definitely a human being. I was expecting a far worse conversation, especially because Benedict admires the Captain and makes a comment about Ezekiel's age, but I feel like nothing too damaging occurred. I look forward to this relationship developing (maybe an inverse of his relationship with Atticus?)
Does he vomit at the end? I wasn't too sure if he had or if he was just smelling it. And the lack of a bucket had a couple different interpretations for me.
Overall, I really liked the introduction of Benedict as well as the more depth that was added to the routine of life on the ship. I find the level of detail you include to be fascinating, especially because it's a concept I don't have any history with, so the feel for the ship and his patrol on it is very interesting.
Fantastic chapter:)Author's Response: Oh, I have a feeling IĂ˘ÂÂm going to have a band of Benedict fans following meĂ˘ÂÂŚ ;)
As far as Maria is concerned Ă˘ÂÂ itĂ˘ÂÂs a developing plot point, so I canĂ˘ÂÂt give much away, but I will say that his relationship with his sister is built upon immaturity and lots of social problems that were in turn built upon the expectations of society in the 18th century. You are supposed to hate her, at the moment. Well, you can feel what you want for her, but hate is certainly a viable option! ĂŻÂÂ
IĂ˘ÂÂm glad you thought that the interaction with Benedict was well! I felt a little awkward writing that, unsure of how it would turn out, but IĂ˘ÂÂm glad you pointed it out and liked it! No, he definitely isnĂ˘ÂÂt a real soldier, youĂ˘ÂÂll see soon enough! ĂŻÂÂ Benedict will become his Atticus for a while, though not NEARLY as close (commanding officer relationship and all) but again, wonĂ˘ÂÂt disclose the plans I have in store for him! Hahahaha.
He does vomit at the end. Gross, right? Interpret the bucket as you may Ă˘ÂÂinsert mischievous cackle here-
IĂ˘ÂÂm still researching ship-life myselfĂ˘ÂÂŚ of course not everything is accurate. Most of it is probably far from accurate for fictional purposes, but at least it feels real!
Thank you for another fantastic review! I so greatly appreciate it!
I really liked the author's note you put at the end. I think it shows a lot of the research and effort you've put into the story, even if I'm not consciously registering the fact while I'm reading it. It just shows because I'm not registering it. The fact that the story flows so well is in part due to your construction of the scene and this historical backing.
I think the relationship between Ezekiel and his father is sad because there's so much misunderstanding. But I suppose it's unavoidable...he's been gone for 7 years in a place his father can't understand.
The scene with Atticus is sweet. I'm unsure as to why a second year would still be lost in the castle, but regardless. I think you capture the emotions well, especially the blend between the 12 year old's feelings and present time Ezekiel's confusion and sense of a different distress. I really like Atticus's lines. I think they're really powerful.
I wasn't sure about the wake up scene. The words the man spewed seemed to blur around me. Kind of like I'd just woken up. I guess I was confused because if he was sleeping on duty, why wasn't he in more trouble? And why would the guy wake him up anyway?
Random thing, I felt like Knox should have been Nox. But maybe that's just my flawed memory.
Very well done:)Author's Response: Yes! That's what I wanted to accomplish with my research. I didn't want to throw in fact after fact to readers who may not be well aware of the historical context - they'd get completely lost (I would too!) So I'm glad that it could be picked up and recognized without even trying.
Yeah, Ezekiel and his whole family have some issues. ;) It's sort of a main plot point so I won't reveal too much!
Ezekiel is a very, very direction senseless boy. Staircases in Hogwarts sort of know that, and play upon his fault by getting him lost in places of the castle that he's sure he hadn't seen before. And classrooms move all the time, as well. To put it bluntly, he's a bit of a derp. And that's why he gets lost ;)
Your reaction to the wake up scene was what I aimed to actually convey. You're supposed to feel jostled, and rudely awoken, not quite sure what was going on. He's not in trouble because this man wasn't a commanding officer - he was a deck hand that took a miniscule amount of pity on him and woke him up in the nicest way he knew how - by being rude, really. ;)
Oh, no you are very right! Knox should be nox! Thanks for catching that! :)
Thank you very much for all your compliments and your fantastic review, CFY! :)
- Ginni Report Review
I like the comparison to how young he truly is as well as how unprepared he is to function in this world as a soldier. You had a couple of spelling mistakes as well as some grammatical errors, but overall they didn't detract from this story. Example: (that blond hair that set me apart from everyone else
that made me different) --should be the blond hair because it refers to the familial trait, even if he's triggered by Maria's specific hair.
I feel an element of foreshadowing in this chapter when he forgets to kiss Maria and he realizes it may be the last time he sees her.
I'd love to know more about his relationships at Hogwarts and his past. Your clues have just made me want more details *grins.*
I feel bad for Maria and yet at the same time I can help but feel she is immature as well. I understand that she is still young, but coming from a family that is highly ranked (her father seems to be important), one would assume she'd be better groomed, even if her mother is sick. Even if she is 14 or so, girls/women back then were expected to play the roles of adults, so her accusations sound infantile, or more like what a teenager now would say. But I'm sure you can come up with a way of justifying her behavior; I'd just like more insight.
It will be interesting to see how his father responds.
Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why Ezekiel didn't call for his father as well when he got home...
Well done this chapter as well!Author's Response: Thank you so much for pointing out the mistakes. When I have time over the summer, I'll go through and mass edit this. ;)
Oh, you picked up on the foreshadowing! Good for you! Now, I betchya you can't guess what that foreshadows? ;) I guess my writing trademarks are cliffhangers and mysteriously left out details... Oops. Oh well! More fun for me, haha!
Maria is VERY immature. She's living in that time, where you're right, she has to take on adult responsibilities... and she has: taking care of their mother and working, and so on, being the large ones. Their father isn't a very ... home-based figure. Being in the military makes it hard for him to return home for extended periods of time. He's a very distant, torn man when he does come home. There's a lot about Maria I'm not willing to share just yet, but just understand that she's reached the breaking point of having all this work put on her, especially since she IS from that upper-class family where she shouldn't have to pull all of this responsibility.
Ezekiel didn't call for his father because there's a lot of tension between the two of them, which you'll see later on. He never was a father's child.
Thank you! Report Review
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