Lovely start to a story. Its nice to see the relaxing day to day activities to witches and wizards every so often. A few of your sentences are a bit awkward or lack punctuation. Nothing too dramatic, but it can catch the reader up a bit if they tend to read with punctuation.
"The dark hair girl was running as fast as her legs would let her. A wand clenched in her hand that wasn’t hers."
These sentences are just a bit awkward. Lovely imagery, though. However try 'A wand that wasn't hers" instead of the awkward placing of the phrase.
As I said, you have good imagery. And I'm assuming by how it seems you have everything set up Sin is actually Hermione? Interesting take. If I'm wrong, I apologize. I've not see anyone take that angle before.
I think you've got a good start. Perhaps a beta to smooth out the few wrinkles, but other than that, good job!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I have a lot of little issues I am trying to tweak out. I wanted a story that wasn't over done, and felt this approach was different, is it going to be obvious I hope not... Again thank you for the advice. once I get the next chapter up I plan to go back in and edit the first two. Rereading them I see little things I would like to change. ~ Lady Report Review
Ohhh. This is starting to get good. So she has unknowingly stated her opinion on the matter of Voldemort's return?
Her and Oliver's relationship is so real. Its cute and makes me want to root for them to get together. I also love the bit about her father.
Everything seems good. It hooks you in and holds your attention. The conversation flows well, and your description is wonderful.
9/10Author's Response: She hasn't stated her opinion, because she hasn't really formed one at this point. She certainly will in later chapters, but she's very neutral at this point in the story.
Oliver/Amelia? I'm afraid that's not going to happen, sorry :P The beauty of writing a completely platonic friendship is getting to keep it that way, and I love a good bromance :P
Thanks so much for the reviews! Report Review
Wow. Lovely story! I quite like this as the opener. It draws you in while adding hints of possibly important background along the way as inner monologue. I love to see that.
The only thing that stuck out to me was "Hogwarts whistle" I had to stop and think for a minute and see if I had missed something. Just thought I'd let you know that I think Express may have been left out? Not sure. It just sounded a bit awkward.
I love that you took the Head Girl from Slytherin. Didn't catch that at all and it totally took me by surprise! I am assuming Oliver is Ravenclaw? I may have missed where you stated his house, but by context clues, I figured Ravenclaw.
Overall, though, 9/10.Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad it does draw you in - I know that these Hogwarts Express scenes can be overdone and not a lot happened, so it's good to know it's still interesting.
I hadn't noticed that before - must have slipped my mind. It should be Hogwarts Express whistle - thanks for bringing that to my attention :)
A lot of people have been surprised about Amelia being from Slytherin, but I think Slytherin, especially in the Hogwarts era, has been bashed a lot and they really weren't that bad. I didn't mention Oliver's house but yes, he is a Ravenclaw - I must be doing something right for you to pick up on that without me saying it outright :)
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Wow. Just Wow.
There is nothing else to say. I did not catch that it was Lysander. I mean, I was thinking it was a girl for some reason. I love how you pepper in his thoughts that something is unsettling about Lorcan. The way he focuses on his downfalls is so fitting to the way you wanted to portray him.
The first thing I noticed was that you used present tense. I've not read few stories in that tense, mostly because it confuses me, but this one was easy to follow.
I loved this. Absolutely loved this. It is sad, but it is beautifully so. Even the murder was beautiful. 10/10!
Greylady_RavenclawAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for reviewing!
I love when I leave a reader speechless. It's great to know that I can get that reaction out of people, ya know? A few people have told me that he sounds like a girl. I think, unintentionally, I meant for him to sound a bit feminine. I haven't a clue why though.
After I wrote this, present tense has just really stuck with me. I wanted the tense to be as smooth as possible, so present it was.
Thank you so much for the review! I greatly appreciate it! Report Review
Hmm... this was... interesting. I've never read anything like it. I was quite confused for most of the time until I realized more of the gist. But then again, I'm slow tonight.
I loved the description. It was fantastic. The idea of the story also intrigues me. I love the fact they are all trying to somewhat do the same thing while doing it all so differently.
Please feel free to ask for another review. I want to remember to read. :)
10/10 Report Review
Wow. I feel so bad for both girls. But I feel worse for the men. Poor Cort is being pushed and Teddy doesn't know. I love how real you made Rose and Cort's situation. Its a common occurrence amongst teens, and I love that you made Cort the one to say no. It just makes it so much more unique and brings another side to him.
I also love that Victoire has some unusual peeves, like the bathtub thing. I also like that she picks fights like this. Again, its common that it happens. And eventually it is the straw that broke the camel's back so to say, as it was this time.
I think you've got a great story coming along.
Please feel free to ask for another review any time. I enjoy your writing. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad the situation between Rose and Cort felt real. I was afraid people would think it was too unrealistic because usually the guys are the ones pushing sex and the girls are not ready. I just wanted to include a different take on the situation and show that this DOES happen.
Thank you! I'm pleased to know you liked the little details I put in, like the bathtub thing. Thank you so much! I'll definitely take you up on that offer. =) Report Review
Wow. This was good. I liked it, though the beginning had me confused for a bit. Due to James and Rose being the same age, and James and Hugo wanting to jump in puddles, which seems immature. But I found my way back after getting lost.
I love that you interjected with Teddy and Victoire. And I love how you made Victoire. I can see her being very... demanding.
Cort is... well, I like him. He's cute, and he reminds me a bit of Neville for some reason. Its not a bad thing. It flows well. And I love the fact you started off stating things and ending it that way as well. It just makes it a lot more parallel.
I think this is a great start, and I'm definitely intrigued. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm sorry it was not clear at the beginning, but I just pictured James being one to get into the childish fun of jumping in puddles. I was aware of his age, but I just pictured him as being young on the inside and not wanting to leave his young cousin alone.
Thank you! I'm so glad you like the story thus far. I really appreciate your review! Report Review
I loved this. A lot. Nick is one of the characters of the book I, for some odd reason, always had a soft spot for. Possibly because he scared Ron and made him all cute and eek. Anyways, on with the actual review.
The flow is well, though the end seems a bit rushed. As distraught as you were making Sirius come out to be, I can see him taking longer to come 'round. That and if I'm not mistaken, Sirius is a bit stubborn, meaning he would fight his point. Though with him being a lot younger, the personality can be morphed and changed.
One thing that made me feel a bit... edgy? (probably wrong word.) was the use of Voldemort being called You-Know-Who. From my understanding, he wasn't called that until after the first war. Although I could be wrong.
I love how you made Nick. He was different, but not in a bad way. I can see him acting this way. He is a charming ghost, after all. I am curious to know who the rat-faced Slytherin is, though. I also love how you hinted to James and Lily and Peter and Remus. Love them.
Overall, this was very, very good. 9/10Author's Response: You have a soft spot for Nick? He always kind of annoyed me haha. To each his own, I suppose. ^^
Yeah, I definitely get that. I was even somewhat worried that the ending was rushed when I wrote it. I will definitely go back and revise that. I like the idea of adding in a bit more of Sirius arguing back and stubbornly refusing Nick's logic.
I wasn't quite sure what to call Voldemort. Was that not used until after the first war? Hm, I'll definitely research it and change it if facts call.
To be honest, I don't remember specifically which Slytherin I was referencing there... Haha, that's embarrassing. It was probably Avery, Mulciber, Crabbe, or Goyle; I just can't remember which! I'm happy you picked up on the references to the Marauders and Lily. ^^ I thought it'd be cute if Nick had a role in how James and Lily met.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review! I will definitely take your suggestions into mind as I revise this. Report Review
Wow. I love this. Its one of the firstfanfictions that makes me want to start writing. Thanks for having a story that inspired me. I'm favoriting it and will continue reading!
I love how you made Victoire, too. Very different. =]Author's Response: Wow. This review made my day! :P It's great that the story inspired you!!! Wow. Thank you so much! I'll try to update soon! =] Report Review
Love this chapter! Its very pretty and flowing. You can tell it wasn't forced, at least it doesn't seem to be. I did catch two things though that could be corrected (at least it was a Ravenclaw that caught them!) =D
"...he couldn't begin to imagine trying to piece back the stones back into their proper places again..."
It may be me, but the sentence seemed awkward cause back was used so close together. Or it could be that I'm tired... But I dunno.
"...Flitwick stated defiantly." What ever are..."
Just the space after the quotation. It was probably just overlooked in the excitement of getting this up!
I'm so proud of you Ravenclaws that are helping with this project! I will be a faithful reviewer, since I didn't sign up to write anything!
Again, great beginning to what is going to be a great story! Good Job! 10/10 Report Review
I like this story, I really do, but it just seems a bit... before its time, the dialogue is what I mean. I see people use the word 'shagged' all the time in next-generation stories and sometimes in post Hogwarts stories, but its always odd for me to read it in a Marauders story. I guess cause I don't really think they would use that word for it, but I don't know. Its mainly a personal preference. The other thing that kind of irked me with the dialogue was the line "That's what she said." This, as far as I know, hasn't been around for very long. The first time I heard it was probably about six or seven months ago, so I just can't see if being used in the late seventies, either.
Characterizations were pretty good as were descriptions. Like I said, I really like this story. 7/10Author's Response: First of all- Thank you so much for offering reviews! You rule.
I do think that staying in the time period is always the hardest thing for me to do when I write a specific time piece. It's hard to know exactly what occurred during that time, the sayings, and so on, but I do try to do my best.
I'm almost betting that you are correct in saying that they never said, "That's what she said," back then, but for some reason, I just really don't want to let it go...
Thanks so much for giving me your thoughts because I also like to know how I'm doing. And I'm really happy that enjoyed it because that's all I really wanted!
xoxo. Report Review
This is a really good story considering you didn't want to use dialouge and wanted it to be an action scene without it really being actiony. Took me a while to understand what was going on, but I finally figured it out. xD A lot of it is sorta told in the end.
"Matching the sick grin mirrored on his foe’s face, he gripped his want tighter, more prepared than ever before."
Shouldn't want be wand? If its not, I'm sorry. But wand just seemed to make more sense to me there.
Anyways, good job! 9/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you understood it. I'm sorry it took you a while but I wanted the reader to think more. Yes, that want should be wand. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll get it fixed soon. Thanks for reviewing ^_^ Report Review
Aw. This is such a sweet little one-shot. It made me love Fred, George, and Ron more and it makes me sadder than Fred died and George lost an ear.
This is an adorable little glimpse into the Weasley's life that we haven't seen. It makes me wonder what the other births were like. I didn't see anything wrong, not that I was really looking though, since I was too pulled into the story. I'm happy that you may Fred and George little pranksters since they were born. I can see them putting poor Ron through a mess of things. Anyways, Great one-shot. 10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked Fred and George's characters, I know they may not have been pranksters all their lives, but it would have been so boring to write if they weren't. ;-) Report Review
Wow. This is pretty good for your first next-gen story. Next-gen is my favorite era and I'm always happy to read and see what people can make of that era. Scorpius has a pretty interesting life. I'm interested to see who his mother is since its obviously not Astoria. Draco seems to be as cold as ever, but with a slight... niceness to him, if that makes sense. Anyways, I loved this chapter. 10/10Author's Response: Thanks very much, I don't read next gen so I had no idea how people usually see the characters, I'm glad you thought it was ok for a first attempt (and probably last lol).
I know what you mean about Draco, he's cold towardds Astoria because he doesn't feel anything towards her, but he adores Scorpius so that's the niceness in him lol.
Thanks very much for taking the time to review, I appreicate it! Report Review
This was pretty emotional. Remus/Tonks has never been my favorite ship, but I didn't mind it here. I loved how you made Tonks almost 'stuck' (for lack of a better word), in the fourth stage of the grieving process and then, with the help of her husband, move on to the final stage. It just shows that true love lasts even after death, which makes me happy. I didn't notice any errors, so good job! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it. It's my favourite of my fics I've written, just for the emotions. Yes, I believe love can go on after death, so it was nice to write it as going on for my favourite ship. Thanks ever so much for the review, 'tis lovely of you and HIGHLY appreciated! And I'm so glad you liked it despite not being a big Remus/Tonks fan!
-Luna- Report Review
Well, first off, I just wanted to say that your story is formatted a bit... odd. Maybe its my computer, but it just looks different than other stories. I'm a bit OCD, so I noticed.
I usually don't ship Voldemort with anyone, but this story is interesting. You never really think he could love anyone, but with the characterization you gave him, it makes him seem almost likable. Its sad that Narcissa's father is so fixed on her marrying Lucius. Personally, I always thought he was a dreadful man. I don't blame her for not wanting to marry him. The plot flowed pretty well with this, but the description at the beginning was a bit... much, I guess. I found myself dreaming about rain. xD But its better to have too much than not enough, at least I think so. Good start! 8/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. With the description in the beginning, i was trying to set the mood, sorry i got a bit carried away :) Thank you for reviewing Report Review
Aw. This was such an adorable little story. Hermione's characterization was pretty well. I can see her stalking pass Ron and Lavender and just being thoroughly cold with them, like anyone would in that situation. I love how you took a simple idea and stretched it to make up a one-shot. It takes talent to do it well otherwise you are just sitting there reading the same thing over and over again and that definitely did not happen here. Great job! 10/10
And Hermione should have told him the truth! Stockings are horrible, dreadful things. xDAuthor's Response: Aw, thanks very much! I'm glad Hermione turned out alright - she's such a... well, she's a character that can either be spot on, or very, very wrong. Thanks for that! I'm really happy you enjoyed it!
Oh, I agree. Thank goodness it's almost summer here, and stockings aren't entirely necessary. Thanks for reviewing ;). Report Review
Wow. This is a great start to what I'm guessing is going to be an amazing story. I love how you characterized Pansy. She's so cold and distrusting that its perfect for her. I feel extremely sorry for her, though. She lost her best friend. I actually started to tear up when she was arguing with her mother. It was such a powerful scene. Your description is amazing. Not too much and not too little. Great job! 10/10 Report Review
Wow. This story is very very touching. I cried when I found out what happened to him, but this just makes it so much more touching. I loved your characterization of Harry and Ginny. It showed how much they cared not only for each other but for the world they were in a way hiding from. The line about Colin made me tear up. I can't even hardly read about him anymore without crying. This was an excellent story! 9/10Author's Response: When I heard about it in the news over here (UK) and particularly being a lawyer, I thought I had to do something on behalf of us HP mad fans! I just had to, even if it were rubbish! Like Harry on this one, I thought I ought to raise awarness. My original idea was to send it to the family and I got one review (sadlly gone) which I beleve it was from a real school-mate; yes I could cry too, that's why I wrote it but I believe that by reading and reviewing you're contributing just as much!
Thanks ever so much babe x Report Review
Wow. This had tons of emotion in it. When Anna was at Nyah's door and telling her it was locked, I almost cried! That woman is evil. Pure evil. I can't stand the woman. At. All. No one should harm a child like that! I'm sad and mad and happy (That Mrs. Cleary and Anna helped her).
I feel a bit stupid, though. When I was reading this, for some reason I though Mr. Whittaker was a Ms. xD Just my mistake when I'm reading.
I didn't notice anything that I thought could be better. Sorry this is short. I'm watching the third Harry Potter movie.
Great Job! 10/10Author's Response:
Hello! :) Thanks for reviewing another chapter!
This chapter (aside from the very end of the story) is really the only reason this has a rating of 'mature'. It was a difficult chapter to write, and I'm glad it come off powerful to you.
Mr. Whittaker, I do believe, is somehow a relative of Mr. Filch (in my universe) as they are very much alike.
Have fun watching the movie and thank you again for reviewing! I'll most certainly be back! :D
Another great chapter! The detail is great, not too much and not too little. I still can't stand Nyah's mother, but now I can't stand her brother either. Her family is full of evil people other than Anna, her father, and the housekeeper. I can't wait for her to turn eleven and she finds out the truth. (For some reason, I just had a picture of her mother turning into Aunt Marge when she was blown up. xD)
I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors, which is great! I hope Alexander doesn't ruin Nyah's time at the party. She deserves to have a party more than him. I think he should be forced to live in the basement or some other dismal place. xD
Great job! 10/10Author's Response:
Hello again! Thanks for reviewing! :D
I'm glad the details are where they should be as I have struggled with that in the past. There is a distinct balance in good and evil, isn't there...
LOL - I guess that would be something fun to do to 'Mother'... an Aunt Marge! I don't know that anyone would be struggling to get her back though! :)
Alexander's 'job' in life is to make things difficult for Nyah... :( If he goes to live in the basement, I'll have to write some rats into it! LOL
Thanks again for another great review! :D
I find it a little weird that she didn't show much emotion about dying until she threw the vase of daisies. If I was told I was going to die in ten day, I would probably either faint, scream and yell, or cry. I'm glad that her mother and father allowed her to return to school even though she doesn't have much longer to live. I only noticed one little mistake:
"Her wand - 12 1/2 inch Ash with Unicorn Tail was securely at her side - and reassured she placed her hands on her face."
This sentence sounds awkward to me. Other than that, this was a great chapter.
Good job! 8/10Author's Response: Allison was slow on her reaction speed, it seems like a dull moment in time to her. For example when I found out that my Grandma had died I just felt my heart drop in my stomach but I didn't cry. It wasn't till I saw my dad that I started crying. Also take into consideration that Allison has been fighting a terminal diseases for year, she's more 'prepared' for it.
I'll diffently look at the mistakes. Thanks for the review. =D Report Review
This is a good start to what seems like is going to be an interesting story. There is a lot of description, just be sure not to put to much to interrupt the flow of your sentence. I did notice a few things that interrupted the flow of your story:
"Each person's face is red and puffy from past tears, even though now none of them cry or made a noise."
Since the first paragraph is in present tense (Which is a tense I can't write, so Good Job for doing a good job with it) made should be make to keep the tenses correct.
"the nurse asked as she released from the hug and began to tidy up some of the tubes that were attached to the young girl."
I think a word has been left out here. I couldn't tell if you meant Ally had released her from the hug or she had released Ally.
"The girl, her dirty blonde hair spiraling off the top of her head and she gave a wide smile."
This is just one of those awkward sentences. I'm not sure how to make it better, maybe saying 'The girl's dirty blonde hair spiraling off the top of her head; she gave a wide smile.'
I think it would be a good idea to get a beta just to fix up those little awkward spots, tenses, and other things. I didn't cover everything that I saw, but I think I picked out the major things.
Good Job! 7/10Author's Response: My beta probably catched that and it will probably bei n the updated version but I'll double-check with that copy just in case. Report Review
This was a good story. I never expected Sirius to settle down, much less with a werewolf. He just seems more like a bachelor for ever type of guy, but this story was believe. Lily seemed a bit out of character. I don't really think she would act like that to her friends, James maybe, but not her friends. The flashback was very well written. Usually long stories don't hold my attention, but the constant action and dialog in this story kept my attention very well.
I did notice one little mistake though. It kind of interrupted the flow of your story and threw me off a bit when I read it:
"I looked towards the door and saw my best maid of honor friend, Lily Evans, standing in the doorway."
I think what you meant to say was 'my best friend and maid of honor' or 'my maid of honor and best friend'. If that's not what you were saying then sorry I misunderstood it.
Good Job. 7/10Author's Response: Thanks! I'm really glad that you like it!! Thanks so much for your opinion. I REALLY really appreciate it! I'll tried to work to perfect my Lily and I'll fix that beginning part! Thanks again for the review!!! Report Review
I was surprised that Delia got a letter. I'm going to guess that she breaks her vow of silence in the next chapter, since the only reason she had taken it was because her mother thought she wasn't a witch.
I'm glad that you showed us how you think Remus became a werewolf. I haven't seen that in a story yet, so it interested me to compare this version of how it happened with what I think happened in my head.
I didn't notice any mistakes while I was reading this. Good Job. 9/10Author's Response: Well, I won't tell you the whole truth, but you are partly right about Delia.
I'm glad I did that also. I actually wrote that section a few months ago by itself and thought it would be a good add on to this story.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
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