My thoughts on this chapter were everywhere as you'll see as the review progresses. Apologies if it's too long and not comprehensible!
Hermione's thoughts on Ron's bedroom definitely had a nostalgic mood that remained very canon and was a great way to tie the reader down to the chapter. (Make sense? Probably not...)
The scene in Ron's bedroom was okay. It seemed a bit weird. First off, it wasn't clear what Hermione was mad about or how she noticed the bottle to get mad about to begin with. Also, I'm not sure if the boys were ever drinking to begin with, and if they wasn't the bottle some sort of alcohol versus a prank? And if they weren't, what is up with them getting rid of the "rest of the alcohol" and bringing up being drunk first? However, I did like the scene because of the whole mention of George struggling to still be a prankster and not being able to keep it together. That was the redeeming quality.
The fact that the chapter is set right before Harry and Ginny's wedding was a bit lost on me. I thought it was a little bit longer before, not the day of.
There could've been more description. There were many scenes that I couldn't visualize well because of lack of.
Luna's line of "Nice day for Nargles" is a bit weird. I'm a big fan of Luna, though, so I'm a bit weird for noticing this. My point is that Nargles are a bad thing. ...It would be bad for it to be a good day for Nargles on their wedding day.
At first I didn't like your continuous comparison to Bill and Fleur's wedding, however, I think it did well to foreshadow that disaster would happen at the reception. I just never saw it coming until it did haha.
So, I saw you're getting a beta for this, so you can ignore the following comments on sentence structure and obscurity:
-The first sentence of the chapter makes no sense to me at all.
-When you say "the Tiara" and "the last wedding," you should clarify more.
-Hermione's reflections on not being part of the family was very jumbled to the point of sounding unrealistic.
-You never put a period after "Mr"
Overall, there were a lot of small details here that were really good and together made this chapter's plot pretty packed for a single chapter. However, there were also the small things that took away from how spectacular it could be. I'm glad you're getting a beta for this because it definitely has potential.
LibertyAuthor's Response: hehehe, oh lib :')
Thank you :) Report Review
Oh my Merlin, I am so sorry! This is the review for our review swap from...I think it's more than a week now...sorry!
Oh my gosh. This was definitely gripping. There were tears in my eyes as I read on, but I didn't let them fall because they would interrupt my reading.
Victoire was wonderfully done. Her jealousy of Dominique stands out especially in my mind and I wish you'd followed that up a little. I was confused when I saw she was still at Hogwarts at age 18, but then realized she must've turned 18 somewhere during the school year. I'm still unsure about whether or not she was truly in love with Teddy or Lysander...I think you wanted that impression.
The flashbacks were executed wonderfully. I knew exactly what was the past and what was "present" while the two still were intertwined in a manner that emphasised her distress as she walked down the aisle.
Teddy sort of took a backseat in this fic, but that's alright, because it's supposed to be a story of Victoire and Lysander. When you described his eyes as "nor blue nor grey nor green nor brown," you might want to put that in quotes because it was a bit confusing the first time I saw it.
Lysander was great and very emotional throughout. The scene where Dominique woke up in his bed, snuggling with him, confused me very much and I wish there was some clarification as to what had happened.
The significance of the anemones was great. Some might call it cliched, but I personally love it (I've used the symbolism technique myself.) However, the two meanings of it got me kind of confused later when it wasn't exactly clear which definition she was comparing with her life.
Overall, I loved this story. It was really well written and the concept was great, albeit sad.
Liberty (Libby103)Author's Response: oh hi!! hehe, i had forgotten you owed me this :) but at least you came up and honoured our swap instead of other people i won't be mentioning :'( happens to me a lot :'(
yay yay yay yay yay yay yay you like it1 thank you thank you thank you so much! The Dominique scene is supposed to be Victoire ;p yeah, i think thats a bit confusing, so i must rewrite that little part. But im so glad you liked all about it! so thanks thanks thanks so much! Report Review
So, I know the challenge this is was for, and I must say it's an excellent entry. I do feel sympathy for Gregory Goyle Sr., and how his life was never in his hands, and the one time it was, his hand was being forced a certain way. (Sorry for a bad analogy!)
I think that you tried to reflect what little we knew of Goyle Jr. into his father. I mean, we know he follows whatever Draco Malfoy says, and his father had the same actions with Lucius Malfoy. It had a really good effect to realize such things.
I'm not sure if the timeline for all the ages is correct, but I'm going to assume it is :) It emphasised the progression of his life and how his fate was doomed to be this every step of the way and how he never chose differently every step of the way.
It struck me as weird that you mentioned Gregory, Eleanora, Callum, and Narcissa all graduating at the same time, but did not include Lucius in that statement. I'm just going to guess that Lucius was older than them though...
The love that grew eventually between Gregory and Eleanora, while never really described, was a sweet touch that made his fate all the more sadder.
Gregory's hope for his son was touching. It really was the cherry on top to making his character someone the reader can understand.
p.s. Good luck with the challenge!Author's Response: Thanks! :) I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the best at math. ^-^; But yes, I had Lucius being a year older... I wasn't the clearest on that. Thank you for the kind words and feedback! Report Review
I was going to wait until your name popped up in the review battle again, but I couldn't wait.
First thought after reading: WHOA.
First, Salazar Slytherin. Okay, so you showed the side of him we're all used to seeing that was completely absent in the first chapter. He was volatile and wild; not exactly traits we ever hear of with him, but definitely things we can imagine of him and would go with the character J.K. Rowling portrayed. We're not really sure what he and Godric were arguing about, but that added more as our thoughts weren't bogged down with "He's a prat for disagreeing with that," but more focused on his reactions. (Does that makes sense?) There was also his few little allusions to his prejudice against those who are not purebloods and the respect he has for purebloods that rounded it off quite nicely.
Helga Hufflepuff. Okay, this is her chapter. She wasn't overshadowed by Salazar too much, but I felt the focus was less on her as it was on the other founders in their respective chapters. However, by the end, our thoughts are completely with her. That was a haunting ending, but I'll get back to that later.
This is the darkest chapter of them all. I think you might've organized these so it went from the lightest to darkest, and I'm just going to give you, as a writer, the benefit of my assumption. So, for that, I praise you!
Going back to Miss Hufflepuff, Helga's character was perfect. Of all the founders I rarely read, I read her the least. Truthfully, I've never read her. However, I love how she restrained herself before suddenly breaking. Then after, it felt like she was resolved to hide her shame instead of confessing to it because of that moment that drastically changed her.
At first, I was confused when Salazar died, because I wasn't sure he was dead. However, unlike the other chapter, where I was wondering what the third light source was, this added to your story. There was some anticipation and suspense that was finally fulfilled with the last two paragraphs. I delight, or rather am haunted (which delights me), by the line "Something good had withered." It just makes me feel like Helga didn't have that flip side until now, until this moment of brief explosion of rage within her, that resulted in her friend's death.
This story was amazing. My overall thoughts are basically what I said in chapter 3 with my thoughts about the title's meaning. To add to that, this story is very attractive to a reader. It's short and yet it gives a lot of insight on your characters. It expands the knowledge we have of the founders, and it's not some long complicated fic with dreadfully long ultimatums and consequences. While this review is not that, to say it simply, your story is short and sweet.
I hope my reviews have been helpful and comprehensive (I always worry about that one.) I've enjoyed this little adventure we've had together. Or that I've had.
p.s. If I see your name pop up in the review battle, I'm going to use this review since I was writing it for it originally, if that's alright with you ^_^Author's Response: Thanks for such a detailed review! I've been trying to figure out how to reply to it for a while, it was so all-encompassing. :D
I didn't give much detail into the big argument between Slytherin and Gryffindor for two reasons: 1, my word count goal would never allow it, and 2, I wanted to do as you said, and focus more on the reactions. In the end I realized that Slytherin is pureblood-oriented, and so I added the bits about Muggleborns to ground the story a bit more.
Yeah, I do know this chapter isn't so much about her. I was on the fence about that one, because I wanted to give the story some closure with this idea I had, but couldn't find a way to center it entirely on her. I'm glad you zoned in on her end the end.
I did indeed go from lightest to darkest with this story. I wanted each chapter to increase in length as well, to add to that idea of gaining in darkness.
I'm glad you liked Helga! She's hard to write, because, sort of like her house, she's the hardest founder to define. There's that running joke that Hufflepuff is the house where everyone who doesn't fit into the other three go. ;) But you got it with the hiding her shame piece. She realized that what she'd done was so enormously out of character, and decided she would try and erase it rather than running the risk of that action becoming a part of her.
When I was writing Salazar's death, I hoped people would get it. I was fighting a word count goal (still not entirely sure why I did that, I suppose it was some sort of test. But I stuck to it and refused to waver). But I also wanted it to be seen as an act of passion, in a way, for the reader to see it as Helga was seeing it. I agree completely that this was the birth of a flip side, and not Helga acting on a rage she'd always contained inside her.
Haha, your review is not this story's twin, but I appreciate it so much. I guess my word count goal was also to make it more attractive to readers, because I know Founders aren't popular (I rarely read them, even). I just wanted to see what I could do with a challenge like that, and it means a lot that you think I did well. ;) Your reviews have been entirely comprehensive, as well as helpful. And this was totally a two-person adventure!
Phew, that was long. Feel free to use this for your next battle review, if you get there at the right time. Thank you so much for these incredible reviews! Report Review
I say the quote on the banner and decided I HAD to read and review this story! (Hope that's not problem with you...) Mostly because I participated with a one-shot for this Brennuhh's challenge as well (she's been AWOL lately, hasn't she?). :)
Anyways, first off, this is loads of dialogue. Dialogue is awesome, and I see that in the mix of all that, description would be hard to fit in. The dialogue did help me feel like I was watching the two of them argue though.
James' narrative is very cute. I laughed when he called the boys' dormitory the men's. And when he inserted (Man) after Head Boy, I was giggling so hard!
To speak about the quote, I was never really sure what Lily was making James do until he actually did it. When he did do it, I couldn't help but wonder, ".What? What's the purpose of that? Why would Lily want that?" It also felt like a lot of build up for what was being planned to do. There was all these lines running along the lines of "OMG, this is going to be AMAZING and totally CRAZY." Then again, it's a bit hard when you have a quote like that to fulfill. I mean, that quote...it's definitely a challenge. I would know, my fic was...meh. The quote felt out of place, at least here, it belongs relatively, albeit anti-climatic. The reaction to what James did also felt like they were blown way out of proportion.
You did a good build-up. There was a lot of anticipation for what was finally going to happen, mostly from the dialogue.
Ah, the dialogue. Let's go back to that. It was very cute and fitting for a Marauders era fic. I love those stories that just have their little squabbles! And looking back on it, all the exaggeration to what James did made the story even funnier, which was the purpose of the challenge...so good job with that! I suppose that means you can ignore the paragraph about James' action being anti-climatic and etc...
I hope this review was helpful and had good feedback!
Overall, this was adorable and darling and a bunch of words you would use to describe a baby.Author's Response: No of course it's okay with me! :) Yeah, the quote's hilarious, isn't it!? :)
Haha. Thanks, thank! This was an awesome review! It kind of made me laugh, the way you disagreed with yourself a little. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who does that in reviews. :)
Thanks so much, glad you liked it!
Also, I like to think of this one-shot as my baby. So, you calling it all those adjective you would use to describe a baby is totally fitting to me. :) Report Review
So I've decided to read even further into this story. You know, I never noticed this was a short story collection, but now I know, the formatting makes so much more sense to me!
As you said in your author response, it is looking like Salazar's is the darkest of these founders' stories. In thinking of that, I see the deeper meaning to your story's title. At first, I thought "Four Flip Sides" referred to the founders' conflicting personalities, but they were still bonded together, like the heads and tails of coins. However, now I see that you might have meant to give a hint that you were showing the other side of each of these Founders, the side the characters in the stories we read, characters that came centuries after these founders and regarded them highly, never saw. (Was that sentence comprehensible?)
You wrote Godric well, showing that no one is ever brave through and through. This line, "For the first time, Godric found himself thanking the heavens that he'd experienced death." really emphasised that.
"Even Godric, the most accomplished of duelers, couldn't battle with just the idea of an enemy crouched in a tree. " This line really just gives a deeper insight on fear, and how you can't banish it from within you. The point of me mentioning that is just that it's really brilliant.
I was a little confused at the mention of three light sources, and then I thought about it a bit and remembered the lantern. I'm not sure if it wasn't clear enough or if I'm just not observant.
The encounter with the centaurs shows the rift between wizards and centaurs, and how it dates to way back when. It was a nice touch, like how Salazar charmed the girls' staircases.
Overall, a deeper look into fear as well as some great description! Like all the chapters, it exposes some side of a founder we never really hear about.
I look forward to Helga's story!
LibertyAuthor's Response: Haha, my original intent was for it to be about the sides of the Founders we don't see often. And your sentence was perfectly comprehensible. I do also like your original interpretation, however. I think these stories can also show the conflicting personalities of the Founders.
I'm glad you liked that line! I'll admit I was thinking along the lines of "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" for that one, along with Dumbledore's descriptions of Voldemort. I think in HBP, when he and Harry were in the cave, he talked about how Voldemort feared death because he feared the unknown.
I'll take a second look at the "light sources" reference. That probably came about because of my word count restrictions. ;)
I'm glad you liked the centaurs! I was originally going to have Godric all alone the entire story, but then realized not everyone likes to read 600-something words about walking in a forest. :P So I added in that bit. Since there seems to be so much bad blood between the races in Harry's time, I wanted to show some of the animosity even earlier on.
Thanks for these detailed reviews! They're so refreshing, and balanced well as opposed to gushing or critical. Report Review
So, very cute moment. You emphasised certain parts to show this is a pivotal moment for the family. I like how Rose brings up the double standard her cousins are holding her to. I like how Albus, as Scorpius' best friend, often mentioned to be Rose's favorite cousin, and a Slytherin himself, is the one to calm everyone down about the situation.
-Where's Hugo? He's her brother and should be the most outraged of them all. I don't think I actually even saw his name in here.
-I saw a few typos, nothing big. Mostly things like "Requirment." or wrong verb forms.
-I think you should've established Scorpius and James' relationship more. At first, it seemed James hated him in general for just being a Slytherin. Then, it seems that James is alright with him until this moment in time which he was not aware of back when he was narrowing his eyes at Scorpius.
-I thought the Howler was too dramatic for this situation. But that's your authorial choice.
Overall, I like the whole feel of the moment. ScoRose is all about what Dramione is about, but realistic. It's about forsaking people's opinions and being together despite the objections of everyone you care about (in this context anyways.) The moment ended very well.
I hope this review was helpful and I wasn't too critical!
LibertyAuthor's Response: Ah, dang it! I knew I was missing a person! Hugo! And he's one of my favoirittees! *sigh*
No you weren't too critical, and thanks for pointing out the mistakes. :)
I will be sure to fix those.
Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
The concept of this story was great, showing the different occurrences when these four first experienced love. The fact that you did not confine yourself to romantic love, but also used familial love in Gabrielle's and Dominique's cases, enhanced the story's charm.
Fleur was in character enough to correlate with canon. I very much enjoyed the descriptions of her times with Bill. The importance of the moment when they showed each other someone from their family's was stressed with your description and really worked in telling the reader that this moment they shared was a hint that they'd be married some day. I particularly enjoyed the fact that Bill used the picture from Egypt.
Gabrielle's character was great. I love the rebellious sort.
"Adele, her friend, introduced her to ballet, an art she had studied before finding out she was a witch." This confused me for a moment, because I always assumed Fleur and Gabrielle grew up knowing they were witches rather than finding out later in their lives. The fact that she left her wand at home confused me as well, but she was only 16 so I guess that can be attributed to magical age restriction in France similar to Britain's. Her distancing herself from her family after Fleur's absence greatly distressed me, but brought me closer to her character as it was so understandable. The way she was reaching for her dreams to become a ballerina showed that she's determined to get there.
Victoire came off as impetuous. Her switches between being happy and angry towards Teddy were a little abrupt. However, her thoughts and fears of his abandonment of her were very spot on on how anyone would feel towards a friend leaving for a different place. Her desire to be like her "Tante Gabrielle" struck me as very sweet, considering she changed Gabrielle's life. Your description of her twirling around like a dancer made me feel as if when she isn't angry and sad, she's very carefree and happy.
Dominique's character was very sweet and innocent, especially when she had a reluctance to say she could keep a secret. I didn't really like the fact that she told Fleur later because I felt like she was giving away that secret she said she would keep. Her attitude in general towards Ginny was cute. When she called the baby in Ginny's stomach "L'enfant nouvelle" I felt like the random bit of French in there disrupted the flow of the writing.
In reflection, "Delacour" is a bit of a misnomer for the name of this story, as Dominique and Victoire are Weasleys, but it doesn't bother me, it's just something that occurred to me now.
Overall, it was a very good story that kept me interested. I'm glad you suggested it in the review swap. The length scared me at first, but the story rushed by very quickly and I hardly noticed the time passing by while reading.
Liberty (libby103)Author's Response: Great review, thanks! I'm really glad you liked Fleurs part, i was very nervous about that. in regards to Gabrielle, I meant that Adele was muggleborn, I should really clear that up! Thanks for pointing it out! You're totally right about Victoire - I chose to do this because shes young and very spoiled, though overall a good person. in later stories i write her as a little naive or sheltered, though that isnt important here! I'm so glad you liked Dominique. True, she did say she'd keep it a secret, though I imagine by that time Ginny wouldnt have cared, perhaps she's there too but we just dont see her. Good point though! Also a good point on the title, perhaps I should explain that I chose it because, even though the younger two are "weasleys" by name, i think fleur would have been keen for them to identify with the delacours. in addition, i wanted to forge a surface connection between them all. thanks again for this, i hope i answered everything! and sorry about the lenth hehe! So glad we did the swap, this was a really helpful review and I enjoyed your story :D Report Review
You may or may not notice that I'm enjoying fics in which the antagonists of the series have their say!
The line where you speak of the final battle, you mention how over fifty people were lost...there's nothing wrong about that, but the number seems small, even when compared to the small population of Wizarding Britain. I would've just thought the amount would be larger.
This perspective was definitely interesting. I never thought of Umbridge as just doing her job, but looking at it, it was her job. All those horrid things, for the most part, were entailed in her career. Her reflection on all these thoughts, and the lack of regret despite her imprisonment and realization, really rounded off this piece.
The descriptions of the trio was one of my favorite parts. It was just great to see how someone like Umbridge herself could see the change the trio had gone through in 2 very war-torn years. That was just great.
Noticed a few typos and spelling errors here and there, but not enough to distract from the writing, narrative, or story.
Last line was really amazing, really brought Dolores Umbridge's story to a full circle. It brought us to the point at which we remember her the most; Harry Potter's 5th year at Hogwarts.
As with the Crabbe story, I really enjoyed this perspective of Umbridge!
I did indeed notice that you were liking the bad guy stories! I don't blame you; I always think the side of the villan is just as interesting, if not more.
I think that on the whole, there were much, much more than 50 deaths, but in the battle there was between 50 and 60. I think somewhere in the Deathly Hallows Harry comments that about 50 people were dead, lying on the floor of the Great Hall. So I stuck with that number :)
I'm glad you agree that it was just her job. A lot of people have said that she's just a horrible woman, but I think I disagree. She's just trying to do what she can to get ahead. Just like most people, really.
I have to say, I've got a weakness for the trio. I'm always trying to slip in little details about them, even when the story doesn't call for it. This was definitely one of those times. I'm really glad you liked it!
I will go and fix those typos shortly. Thank you very much for both reviews. They were very lovely, and so helpful. Report Review
A Crabbe fic! Never have read one of these before, but this is a completely new perspective for me!
First off, I just like the idea of Crabbe having complex thoughts beyond the line of "Derrr.I want to hit something." You developed his character so well! You've given him a family past in which to explain his present. (Well the present of the story, R.I.P. Vincent Crabbe.) The repetition of his internal blunders where he corrects himself to follow Draco's ideologies were great, especially those in which he finds the need to call Hermione "Mudblood" vs. "Granger."
The flow of the story was good as well, transitioning between Crabbe's internal thoughts and actual events well. The use of present-tense, versus the usual past-tense that I see writers use, caught me off guard, but once I got used to it, it had no negative effect on the writing.
The constant comparison between Crabbe's friends and the Gryffindor's golden quartet (I botched up the golden trio, but meh) was a great effect to stress the main idea that Crabbe wishes for friends like the golden quartet. Yet, he is too blinded by Slytherin slyness and loyalty to the house, to actually realize that his friends are not the sort of friends he wishes for.
The story flowed well! Then again, it was a very short time frame... The only thing that stopped me was that he was continuously referred to as "Crabbe," never "Vincent" or even "Vincent Crabbe."
Overall, I really like this perspective of him!
LibertyAuthor's Response: Hi there! I've finally got back to answering reviews! Took me a while, didn't it?
I don't think I've ever even seen another Crabbe fic. I was actually looking around for one, to compare and contrast my ideas with it, but I couldn't seem to find one.
I'm so happy that you liked the way Crabbe was written. The poor guy must have had a really bad childhood to have turned out the way he did. I think he's the kind of person who is easily persuaded to follow a certain ideology. That's why hew would act so terribly towards muggles... that's how he's been brought up.
Ah yes... the present tense. I just sort of slipped into it when I was writing it, and then noticed when I proofread it. I thought it made it sound different... so I kept it in!
Poor Crabbe would have so little in his life that would be considered nice or kind. I think that's why the Golden trio (or quartet... whatever you'd like to call it :) ) would seem so strange and yet so ideal to him. He would want (as everyone does. really) to have friends who were nice to him, rather than friends who like him only because he can protect them.
I'm so happy it flowed well. I did actually consider, but eventually decided against calling him Vincent. Firstly, I thought that not a lot of people would know who it was, if I only called him Vincent, and I didn't want to break the continuity of the story by calling him Vincent Crabbe sometimes, and only Vincent others. Also, I thought that just calling him Crabbe made it seem like he was more alone. Using the first name seemed really personal, and friendly; not the sort of mood I was trying to get across.
I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for such a lovely long review!
Originally very intimidated by the size of this fic, but it went by quickly (time speeds up when you're having fun!) and was worth it!
Don't mean to be a drag, but in canon, Arthur was the only Weasley during Marauder times. I got the vibe you were mentioning Molly's brothers, Gideon and Fabian, but they were Prewetts... Perhaps some other brothers of Arthur's that were never mentioned? Then again, he's always seemed to be an only child...
The narrative was good for the most part. Sirius has his little jokes inserted here and there to retain his Marauder status. However, I could've done with a bit more description. More description would've let in the oppurtunity to put more of Sirius' character in there, to develop his character more. To point out some specifics about his character, I sometimes felt he wasn't the same Marauder I've grown accustomed to seeing; suave, charming, quick on his feet, etc.
I am very iffy on Cora's character (though I adore her name! Not meaning to be superficial here...)
First off, I do feel that you rushed her and Sirius' meeting. Yes, I get that she's one of those perfectionist, in a hurry, straightforward types (am I right on that? If I am, I like that part about her, that's actually a very good basis of personality for a good character) However, I just find it very strange that she would quickly let Sirius into her house/life. Especially since her hurried way of speaking indicates that she's not too afraid of the consequences of jinxing someone who crosses her.
Second of all, there's a flaw in her story. Voldemort's influence is already gone. (in this point in the HP books, the world is not notified of his return until the 4th book and most do not believe until the 5th) Why hasn't her and her parents returned to the magical world again?
Third of all, I dislike that you made her Marlene McKinnon's cousin (after reading further, I see there is some purpose to them being cousins as Sirius alludes to having loved Marlene, but still...) No, that's not the part I dislike about that...(though, I do hate how you had her describe Marlene as the "golden girl of gryffindor," I've always considered that Lily Evan's rightful spot..) It's more of the fact that I dislike her story. Even if she'd been at Hogwarts at any point that was during the time of the Marauders (which is implicated because of her allusion to Marlene being the "golden girl of gryffindor") then she would at least recognize the name "Sirius Black" as one of the Marauders, seeing as how the Marauders were infamous. I would've infinitely preferred it if she were just some Spanish witch who had no relation to canon or Britain at all, but it's your character. (On the other hand, I might just be jealous of the fact that she's getting Sirius' attention...grr...Gary Oldman is mine!)
I know I've ranted about Cora and Sirius much too much, but I'd just like to add that their relationship rushed in general to me. Not that I didn't like their relationship! I was getting very into it, and then it ended...I was very sad when Sirius had to go...I felt that was rushed as well.
The references to canon things are very good. I love how you put Fang in there!
The ending paragraph, whether you intended it or not, was amazing. First off, Sirius calling Harry James. Second off, Sirius is so sure of victory he's imagining being back to Cora that night. I almost feel him going mad out of grief. I don't know if you intended for that to be the case, but that's how I felt.
Overall, nice story! The relationship was rushed, true, but I could still feel attached to the characters and felt the hopelessness of the situation when Sirius and Cora were separated.
I hope this review was comprehensive and helpful!
LibertyAuthor's Response: I loved your review!! Thank you soo much for putting all that thought into it! Your absolutely right about gideon and fabian being Prewetts!! Part of me can't believe I forgot that!! I'm changing the last name as soon as I can :) Also about Marlene, I think since she was Lily's friend, maybe she was one of the golden girls, (haha, not like the t.v show lol) I was just saying that since Cora was in Slytherin. Might be stereotypical, but that's just how I saw it. I'm going back and making it plural :)
I was totally thinking of making her a spanish witch! but then I thought of that way to make it more canon, 'cause I love details! That's probably one of the things that will get in the way of writing the actual character though. As to her story, Her, and her parents have been completely cut off from the magical world. When Voldemort first threatened, they ran for it. That's why she leaves in her 3rd year. So since then, they weren't supposed to have contact, they loved their life there, and didn't have any connection back in Britain they wanted to go back to. It didn't matter to them if Voldemort came back or not, for all they know he might have still been in power. The only way they have some contact is to get ingredients and supplies. I do hate how rushed it is throughout. The thing is, I wanted to submit this for the decade of legends contest, but was too late :( then I was able to submit it in a last minute challenge :) Maybe someday I'll make it into a short story and take my time with their relationship and their meeting. For now though I don't mind that it's rushed. He was only there for like 2 months, so since he told her his story, they pretty much decided it wasn't going to be like a normal relationship.
I'm sooo glad you caught what I did at the end and loved it. I thought what he might have been thinking during all of that... and that came to mind. So glad for all the advice! Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
So, this was a very simple, even cute, way of looking at the Ford Anglia before Ron and Harry's disastrous adventure with it!
You had good descriptions for the most part, though I would've enjoyed more, then again, you were looking for 1000 words exactly, so you can't really do much about that.
Characterisation in this fic was great! The twins especially. They seemed a little innocent, but they're only in their 4th year here. Even with that, they were a bit mischevious and sneaky and I can't help but wonder what they brought back from this event. Arthur wasn't as silly as he's sometimes portrayed in the films which I'm ecstatic about. This shows the fun, but mellow, side of him. He's definitely less sharp than Molly. The mentions of Molly were excellent as well!
This was a very short and cute insight on the Ford Anglia's existance! This definitely will probably be inserted in my mind's HP timeline! (Yes, I keep one of those...)
LibertyAuthor's Response: Hey Libby! Thanks for reviewing :)
I'm glad you thought I did well with the characterisation. It was difficult to get it right in just 1000 words, so it means a lot :)
I'm amazed you think this is good enough to be a part of your HP timeline! You've made me so happy! :D
I know I'll have to edit this, but I'll probably wait until the challege has ended. :)
-Sophia x Report Review
So, I don't read much slash, but this was definitely on par with the slash fics I have read. So good job on that, especially for your first try!
Second, the story is haunting. While not short, it's not a long, complicated tale of slow realizations and regrets that leads to a horrific ending that leaves you starstruck. You managed to have a horrific ending that leaves a reader starstruck WITHOUT all that prerequisite! Which is quite an accomplishment... I didn't even see that coming until the beginning of act iv.
Your formatting surprised me. Though, once I got used to it, the whole "Act insert Roman numeral here" effect served to make me feel like I was watching a drama (play). I hope there wasn't some other sort of significance to that.
Your descriptive language is amazing. Every step of the way, you use it to draw the reader into the story, capture their attentions, and tell them what's going on in an eloquent manner. The story's plot is admittedly a classic, but your writing changed it into something new, more monstrous and bold. (I mean monstrous in a good way.)
Admittedly, I was a bit confused at parts as to which role Pansy was playing and which Daphne was playing...
Pansy and Daphne's characters are great! Pansy still has that sort of Pureblood air about her, even in the situation you've put her in. Daphne, since J.K. Rowling never really used her, was yours to make as your own, and you did very well with that! I noticed the transition from determined Daphne into deranged Daphne and it went very smoothly.
I think a little more on Blaise would've been nice, but then again, this fic has extremely little to do with him.
The repetition and use of the phrase "There is much to be admired..." made the ending much more resonant in the mind. I am still not over that amazing ending!
Overall, I love this fic! The dark ones are always the best in my opinion :)
LibertyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, what a lovely review :) Report Review
Since I reviewed Salazar's story, I felt I should do this as well.
Anyways, just as with Salazar's character, this chapter shows a load of insight into Rowena and her eternal quest for supreme intelligence and wit-things she feels she cannot have while intoxicated.
The first paragraph shows what's important to all four of the founders and connects them very well. Godric cares of success, Salazar of peace, Helga of friendship, and of course, Rowena of wisdom.
It seemed inevitable that Rowena would drink, though I did not expect her to drink so much. Her experience with losing the security she always feels is quite interesting.
The way the rest of the founders encouraged her to drink showed the strength of the friendship that linked them together and how it overcame the need to be professional among colleagues.
This pales a bit in comparison with Salazar's story as there isn't that sense of anticipation that was there. However, the descriptive language you used her surpassed that of Salazar's story so I suppose it all evens out. The last line is poignant and, not haunting, but it still lingers in your mind for a little.
The chapter is written almost lyrically. It flows really well, though it's a short glimpse into Rowena's life, there's not much oppurtunity for transitions to be rough or otherwise.
LibertyAuthor's Response: Thank you for coming back! I'm glad you think these first two chapters have some insight into the founders' minds. It's tricky, after all, to get into the head of a person that lived a thousand years ago! And of course these little tidbits don't even begin to capture their full characters.
I figured the one thing Rowena could always rely on was her wit; it wasn't something she carried around with her, it was built-in tool. So losing that would be terrifying, and leave her stranded.
Something that's occasionally hard to grasp is that four entirely different people could become such close friends, and pool their talents to build such a magnificent school. But I'm definitely trying to include that bond in all four chapters of this, and I hope it shows. These are also the early days, and we don't know how much they knew each other before Hogwarts.
Salazar's is probably the lightest chapter of them all in terms of subject matter, but I do see your point about the anticipation. I suppose what really happens is that the drama in each chapter gets a little more obvious each time, until it all culminates at the end.
I'm glad the flow didn't suffer too much as I battled for that word count goal! This is one of the better of the four, I think. We'll see.
Thanks for stopping by! This was a lovely review. :D Report Review
Ah, I'm horribly shallow and the one thing on my mind is "they didn't end up together!" Not only that, but it's blaring in bold all-caps. To ignore that point...
I see why they couldn't be together, why they shouldn't be together, why they're horribly incompatible for eachother and how there is a difference between being someone's stronghold and being meant for them. However, I can't help but get the creeping feeling that they're just settling. Of course, they're only just leaving Hogwarts at the end of this story and will probably find more relationships in their future. However, I feel like Rose is just settling for second best with Eli.
Both Rose and Scorpius were characterised wonderfully. They're pretentious personalities definitely evened out after a while, and it made me long for another moment of it that they shared.
The flow of your story was excellent even though you were conjoining very individual events. Despite the variety, they told the story quite well and much better than they would have if done in a more organized manner. This format also revealed important information with ease.
Your writing propelled me forward, even though I was originally daunted by the story's size. It entranced me. I couldn't stop if I had wanted (or needed) to.
I can relate to this, as it seems many other reviewers can by your Author's Note. Quite honestly, I want a Scorpius like this in my life, even if I can't have him...(would I really?)
LibertyAuthor's Response: Heh, I do get that a bit, and it's very understandable to be sad that they don't get together. A lot of it comes down to what they want in love. While Scorpius understands Rose in many ways, sharing a certain connection, is it what she wants, really? Her emotions seem to say so, but the reality shows something more unhealthy. Is it love or obsession talking? Is Scorpius is even Scorpius or just an idea of him Rose has built up in her mind? Some would say Rose chose a "safe" route, though I like to believe that she chose someone who makes her happy because that's what she truly wants. It's not as romantic as an ideal, but it's a valid one. It's all up to interpretation and I have my own answers based on experience, and I'm glad to hear your views on it and I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
So, I noticed this was AU, something I've never really read before, so I wanted to give it a shot! (I also haven't read a Dramione in a long time...they used to be my favorite ship, but nowadays...well there's all these Next Generation characters and what-not) Onto the REAL review!
So, you fit this in nicely with the timeline of the HP books because Hermione was distracted at that time period, and you gave a better reason for her to be distracted.
I know this wasn't meant to be a comedy, but I'm in a humourous mood tonight and sort of read it as such. "his smooth hands"? I just found that line hilarious, then again, I think I'm a bit off my rocker tonight.
This story had a lot of cliches that are typically found in Dramione fics. (Something I've always noticed is how the two get caught up in each other's looks and how hot the other has gotten since they first met them...also scenes where they sorry to each other for whatever reason as if they're trying to convey more...and of course, in general, when one person shuts up another by kissing them) All first stories are just riddled with cliches though, so no worries. However, despite the cliche feeling I got from it, I am one of those nutters who love cliches. So I enjoyed this in a rather silly way.
I loved how Hermione thought she was going crazy in the library. Their little water fight was a little originality sprinkled in and was absolutely delightful to read (though this story is AU for a reason.)
I hope I wasn't too critical with my observance of cliches!
LibertyAuthor's Response: Hey Libby! I'm glad you found this enjoyable in a slightly strange way :P
I know all about the cliches and the OOC characters but I've decided to keep this up here for now to remind me of what not to do when I'm writing!
-Sophia x Report Review
So, towards the ending...whoa. I was not expecting that.
Anyways, this is less concrete movement and more of an exploration of 1) character and 2) Hogwarts! (There must be something else, but I'm too slow to recall it.)
Your descriptions were wonderful. Salazar's endless chores needed to be done for the maintenance of Hogwarts. It was definitely a realistic narrative, and it was more insight on Hogwarts was in the beginning (rather than my previous silly notion that it just appeared one day and the Founders started inhabiting it...)
I especially like the explanation of why the girls' dorms staircases are enchanted to become slides. That was just a wonderful way to tie an event, occuring a whole millenium before Harry Potter's time, to the Hogwarts era.
Salazar's personality was a differently portrayed than usual (I think, then again, I don't read many Founders fics), but quite honestly, I prefer it this way. Salazar Slytherin wasn't some Dark Lord, he was a Hogwarts' Founder who just was a bit prejudiced (though the prejudice wasn't shown.) He has a child who he loves and loves him back. He is real. And that's always a hard concept to grasp with these great wizards whose names are just in are history books (I treat the series like a history book, by the way.)
When all the mentions of Memory Girl were appearing, I was imagining some dark and horrible memory of his past where someone died. I was overjoyed to see that it was his daughter.
Sorry this review is so long and contains hardly anything really beneficial to you as a writer.
LibertyAuthor's Response: I always picture Hogwarts popping up out of nowhere too. I tend to shy away from picturing the actual first few months of Hogwarts, because I only have these visions of the Founders levitating huge rocks up one by one to construct the walls of the castle. :P
I've always loved the fact that girls can enter the boys' dormitories, but not vice versa. When I needed to give Salazar something to do, I figured that boys wouldn't have changed THAT much in a thousand years. :P
When I decided to write a collection of one shots on the sides of the Founders we don't know, I realized that Salazar was the only one who'd have a positive story to tell. I also realized his would be the hardest to grasp, because it's easier, for me anyway, to see good characters with a few flaws than one we see as evil having a lighter side. So I put the fluffy chapter first and hoped it wasn't OOC enough to put people off.
Thanks for the review! I'm sure I have plenty to work on for this short little fic, but the fact that you liked it is heartening. Happy bronze vs. blue! Report Review
So, initially, I was afraid of this fic...the thought of Fred's death still makes me cry and I don't like to cry. However, even though I did cry (a tear constitutes crying for me these days), it was definitely worth it.
I was so into the last paragraph, so very into it, but, and this may be just me, I wasn't feeling the very last line. It was the "He ground his teeth in frustration," part that ruined it for me, the "letting the rain wash the tears away." was just as brilliant as the rest of the fic, but the image of him grinding his teeth just poisoned the whole moment to me. Sorry.
Other than that, this story was pretty perfect.
I'll blab on about characters as I usually do. You set up Angelina and George's relationship perfectly, by set up, I mean you make it make sense that they'll be ending up together later like J.K. Rowling said. Ron was brilliant, his little monologue was very deep (a little too deep for a boy with the emotional range of a tea spoon,) but it showed that he'd grown up very much since the time the war started.
I just about cried when George gave Fred the sweater. And a tear finally fell when he started saying he was afraid he was forgetting Fred. Then I started giggling at the thought of all the pranks Fred and George must've played on Ron and Ginny. Really good job manipulating the reader's emotions (are you sure you shouldn't be in Slytherin?)
Stories and writers are supposed to make us feel though, so excellent job, you really accomplished that here.
LibertyAuthor's Response: Thanks Liberty for this great reivew!
This is probably my favourite story I've written so I'm glad I've had some great reviews :)
I'm sorry that that little line spoilt it for you :( but I'm glad you liked it anyway!
-Sophia x Report Review
Oh gosh, BRILLIANT concept! I've thought about several Potter-verse-exclusive creatures that aren't looked at very closely in canon, but have never thought of Boggarts in this way!
Of course, the story is centered around Harry, even when the Boggart is giving the narrative. You definitely show-cased some of Harry's most noble traits; determination especially.
The writing here is great. Most of all when the Boggart is describing how his species must die and when he starts to look at the "big picture" and realize why Harry was subjecting himself to his fears.
The last line was a bit weird. He was dissolved? I feel like you're referring to how Boggarts die, but I was under the impression that neither Boggarts or Dementors die from a Patronus Charm, Dementors are just repelled.
Just to rant about the Boggart a bit, I love his thoughts. His contemplations on if he has more knowledge than others of his kind and such philosophical thoughts; they were just a great addition to the fic.
Overall, great fic! 10/10
Liberty (Libby103)Author's Response: aw thank you so much! this made me smile :)
to answer your question: i've formed the belief that the boggart actually took on the characteristics of the dementor when it turned into it to scare harry. after all, even the boggart-dementor caused harry to have horrible thoughts and elicited all the responses that dementors do from him, hence all the collapsing and hearing his parents' death. because of this, yes, i referenced the boggart's "death" by the word "dissolved." Because he caused in Harry dementor-effects, I thought that he would have died (he's still a boggart) by the thing that repels dementors (who he is also, sort of, by extension). don't know if that logic makes any sense, but i hope it at least lets you know where that line comes from :)
cause it's true what you say, ordinarily, the patronus charm doesn't kill either creature ;)
thanks so much for reviewing! i'm sort of amazed at all the positive feedback...i was worried it would seem too--like it was trying too hard, sort of. Report Review
Spacing is much better in this chapter...Umm, sorry to criticize, but the transition into "four years later" was a bit rough, and the narrative into it was a bit weird as Rose wasn't narrating like she was about to tell a story in the previous chapter. The transition between the scene at home and the train scene was hardly noticeable however, so good job.
So, to talk about plot, since there's definitely more in this chapter. That was hilarious! I love how Rose had to be waken up from her dream and her whole family was taunting her about it! I don't know why Albus called her "Dora" though up there. It also wasn't clear who was teasing her, at first I thought it was Hugo and then read further to find out it was Albus. The compartment scene was also very funny. You introduced Scorpius well, but as seen in many fics where the name "Malfoy" is involved (we can blame Tom Felton for being so amazingly gorgeous) you described him as almost too perfect. It was a bit like the last chapter where Rose came off a bit arrogant, but hopefully, just like her other statement, it ties into a major plot point of a future chappie.
Wasn't really looking for errors in specific, but I did notice that there was an unnecessary comma in "Her eyes sparkling with, the beginning of tears. " Also, "Now being a sports writer after leaving the Holyhead Harpies to start a family." is not a complete sentence. I'm sure there's plenty more errors, but I wasn't really keeping an eye out for them, that's what betas are for... (Sorry! Bit tired tonight. :/)
You said that Rose is all alone because none of her family is in her year, but Albus went to Hogwarts at the same time as her as seen in the "19 Year Later..." epilogue of DH.
To blab about characters... You show the Potter-Weasley clan to be very exuberant, and I'm glad, I love it and it definitely keeps a reader (or at least readers like me) entertained. I love the little glimpse of an adult Hermione and the comparison of her to a house elf. Rose was definitely developed with her internal monologue in the compartment scene. The cliffhanger was good, once again. It wasn't as poetic as the last one, but definitely is keeping me interested. I'll just repeat the note about Scorpius being "too perfect." And, yeah...
I'm still very into this story, it has yet to bore me!
Sorry if this is too long to bear! I'm that kind of reviewer sometimes... :p
p.s. Update soon?Author's Response: Hi, thanks so much for the detailed review, I defnitely need it =D! This was the first story I ever attempted to write which is why it is so iffy and there is terrible grammar (lol it's a shame I can't use that excuse for my other stories lol) Anyway, yes, when I have the time I need to go back and re-edit both chapters which is why I haven't added a third one up yet. I know how and where the story is going to go, but I just want to make sure that it is clear for the reader, which is why I will try and re-vamp it. I certainly will look for a beta to help me, if anyone is willing =D!! Erm to answer a few questions in there, he called her Dora, as a nickname of her middle name Nymphadora and the thing about Rose being alone I ment as in none of her family that are in the same year as her, are in the same house as her:-). But like i said i will re-vamp and make it clearer. Thank you ever so much for the review, it helped alot=D!!! Report Review
So the first section of this chapter is very well written, it definitely draws the reader in, especially if the reader is into philosophical sorts of things.
Anyways, this is just a prologue, so not any character development besides Rose.
Rose is coming off a bit arrogant as she describes her current self. She sounds too perfect, too much like the media's version of beautiful.
However, besides that moment of narcissism, Rose sounds like a very interesting journey. I'm very interested in what happened between her and Scorpius and what caused her to go on her 2 year journey. Oh, and what happened in her 6th and 7th year that made her want to be invisible.
While looking at the box of memories, I was a little puzzled as to why she was even looking in it to begin with. However, finding the old photographs were a great way to bring in some humour and history with her cousins. And, of course, that let the necklace (or was it different piece of jewelry?) come into view and remind her of Scorpius, thus ushering in the beginning of a plot.
Last part definitely keeps a reader wanting to know what happens next. No criticism, your spacing is a bit weird though.
Hope this review was helpful in the slightest!
Liberty (Libby103)Author's Response: Oh gosh yeah I know, I always have dodgey issues with the spacing lol, i will try and fix that:-). She was looking through the box of memories to find the photo that she was looking for, i will definitely make this clearer as I am going to edit these chapters anyway :-). The reason why is descibes herself like that is because she strives for the media perception of beauty, which will be brought up later in the story. Thanks ever so much for the reviews, everthing you gave me was sooo helpful and much appreciated:-)!!! Cheers Report Review
I saw this was for the Valentine's Day Gift Exchange so I just HAD to review it.
Anyways, really sweet ending, the whole story is cute. However, it's a bit short, and I feel like Molly rushed through her story; there's not much description in how she describes the events. I felt like that until she started talking about how Arthur saved her, that was just too cute to be done any differently.
The sort of suspense you create by not introducing Arthur until basically the end of the story was a very nice technique. It gave that feeling of anticipation and all.
Ginny's reactions to everything make her seem a bit younger than eighteen, but they were spot on for what I would imagine her to be like...just in her Hogwarts years. Her reactions added a bit of humour to the story.
Overall, I had this giant "Awww," moment at the end. I think that sums up my delight.
Liberty (libby103)Author's Response: Thank you!!!
I think I was just thinking how it would be told from a person, they wouldn't go into this huge amounts of description whilst actually telling a story but concentrate on the main point so that probably why it was so short ;)
I'm glad you liked my Arthur bit :P It was my favourite bit to write :D
I think with Ginny (I can't write her to save my life) she was kinda just wanting to be young and innocent again before she left home, just have that one last moment before she had to be an adult...yeah flimsy excuse right ;)
I am soo glad I provoked Aw's :) Makes my day :D
Hannah x Report Review
This fic was absolutely hilarious!
I'm pretty sure Junebug Janes is onto something with that hypothesis...
Since this is a humorous story, I really can't critiscize anything. I'll just ramble about my thoughts.
I was really drawn in by this story. I mean, how could I not be? This girl's spying on Sirus (swoon) and Remus (swoon) using, what is very special and original by the way, equipment. The whole concept just drew me in and the humourous writing style kept me reading.
I love Remus and Sirius in this! They actually come off like they're in denial of their connection! (In my twisted opinion.) Their bickering seems spot on. Their quick fix to the problem is absolutely fabulous. They've created a non-existant love triangle between the Marauders (well the ones that matter) to just appease this girl. I find it sweet.
Junebug Janes...oh where to start. Well, she seems like a fan girl with Luna Lovegood's personality. In other words, I love her. I would definitely read more stories about her exploits to prove her theories to be true.
Liberty (Libby103)Author's Response: Hi! And thanks ^__^ Teehehe, well the world will never know about their true connections ;) But somehow they make complete rubbish seem squishily-adorable. Appease, get rid of, it's all the same thing, really!
Thanks muchly again! Report Review
So I'm a sucker for plots involving desperation, so I loved this, especially Scorpius's narrative. This was a little short, and I would've loved it even more if there was some memory or if something was added in the narrative explaining their break-up a little more-like what her reasons were and how she was doing after the break-up.
Your characters are all Next-Generation, so there's not any problems with your characterization. I would have preferred some more elaboration on Rose's character, as all we learn about her is that she broke up with Scorpius, nothing else. Umm, Albus and Rose are supposed to be close as cousins, I would've liked some interaction between the two of them or something like that. Scorpius's character was wonderful, I felt with him when he was screaming that he loved Rose to a random person on the street. That was a really good moment in my opinion.
Your writing style is great. I think that you conveyed Scorpius's emotions throughout the entire story perfectly. The flow during the transition between Scorpius thinking Rose still loved him and and him realizing she didn't was a bit rough, however. The beginning didn't really hook me in, but as I read on, I started to get really into it, Scorpius's thoughts were great and enthralling, especially the last few lines of course.
Overall, great story. Narrative is wonderful.
Liberty (Libby103)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you liked it :)
I decided to keep this focused on Scorpius which is why there is hardly any information about Rose. That is also why I didn't include the reason for Rose breaking up with Scorpius.
-Sophia x Report Review
Anyways, very nice concept to the piece. I've always wondered how they got ahold of Luna.
I absolutely adore your characterization. One of the couple critiques I have in that category is Bellatrix's dialogue, the content of what she's saying is perfect, but the way she says it sounds too much like how I would imagine Umbridge. Oh, and Voldemort, I was a bit confused. Firstly, I would never imagine him caring enough about media to see Luna personally. The fact that he would bring himself down to a level to know she's in Ravenclaw was a bit appalling.
Draco's character was perfect, your empathy towards him was fantastic! Mr. Ollivander's description was nice, but his character wasn't developed enough for there to be any critique or praise on it, Ginny's character like-wise. Neville's quick acceptance that he was the "new Harry" disturbed me, I always found Neville too humble for that.
Now to rant on Luna for a bit, my absolute favorite character! She's amazing! Anyways, her disbelief that her father would print that was great! And her eventual acceptance while talking to Malfoy was good. I think she was a little too quick to realize she was being used for blackmail-but she has to be a Ravenclaw for a reason.
Other general comments not relating to character:
-several typos, though I'm sure you're already aware of them yourself
-While your writing flowed very nicely, it felt a bit choppy at parts.
-You could've also used a bit more diction to make the fic more eloquent.
Overall, I liked the story! (I'm biased, however, I just really, really adore Luna!) The concept was great, and this was your first fic posted! So excellent job considering that!
p.s. I only found 2 song titles in the Quibbler article...I probably missed a bunch... :0
I saw "We Must Unite" and "Dance Again" by the way.Author's Response: Ahhh! Of all the ones you could review you pick my worst! ;)
This was done before I even though about the concept of characterisation or I cared about flow..IT IS AWFUL!!!
Tehe..there were quite a few other songs and song lyrics...I went through my AVPM stage then 0.o
But thank you!...I'm not sure how you managed to compliment this at all! But thanks all the same ;)
Hannah x Report Review
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