I read this after watching game of thrones, so when you said that winter was on it's way, I was almost disappointed it didn't say winter is coming. Almost, but not quite.
That said, back to your story, your description here is very good. It makes it easy to be pulled into the story. As you can imagine the landscape, you can see it happening before your eyes. It's something I've noticed in another story of yours and it is such a strong quality to your writing!
You are also very gifted in the art of imagery. "The icy coldness that was spreading from her heart." Sentences like this give the story a good, beautiful flow I think.
I also like that you took an Albus quote, changed it a bit and integrated it in your story. It is a strong sentence. It was a good reminder of the books.
Another strong line: Warmth came from the people who dwelled there.
I really like Amelia's character and how you maintained it. So much horror has happened to her and she is trying to stand up and be strong. I love strong characters like that! She keeps her hope. I mean, can you imagine losing everything and still trying to will the tears away. Well you DID imagine it of course, but you know what I mean :P
And she had a beauty and the best moment with the library, how could I not love that :D
There was one sentence (two sentences technically) that seemed to have some unneeded repetition.
"creating strange shadows over the room. Twisted, strange shadows that lingered in the corners..."
If this were my story I would probably use a synonym for the second strange. Perhaps I'd use grotesque just to enhance the significance of the shivers they give her.
However, I realise this is nitpicking, it is such a minor thing, and you could easily disregard this.
I love stories that radiate hope and strength and this one did just that. It was a really good read and I'm glad it crossed my path.Author's Response: Ah, Game of Thrones! Just starting watching that show a couple of weeks ago actually and I am addicted! And now that you've mentioned it I feel like fangirling a little bit...but I'll restrain myself.
Righto. Wow, you think I'm gifted with imagery? Thai is a huge compliment, thank you! I love writing these one-shots, because they are so different to my other chaptered stories and always make a nice change.
Thanks for all the very helpful advice, I'll definitely be re-reading the story and making it as good as I possibly can!
Courtney:) Report Review
I had your story on my to do list already. Unfortunately I hadn't gotten around to it. But luckily, my requests always go before other reading, so here I am at last. There does seem to be a lack of spaces here...but that's such a minor thing in a good chapter, just thought I'd mention it.
I love how they sounded so confident with their thoughts of the next generation. It's realistic, I think, at that age you think you can change the world once you are done with school. You feel you can do better than your parents. And then you grow up and realise nothing happens without sacrifice.
I like how her father came to warn them about what happens when you anger the dark lord. It sets the tone again. It reminds you that in fact her family is quite dark. And the fear those girls have is realistic as well. What teenager wouldn't be scared. Especially if you saw your father as this strong persona and then she him beaten down.
I'm not sure her friend knows, since she is having a lot of thoughts but does not speak them... Yet Amaris doesn't seem to mind that darker side of life. I feel like Tor is more conflicted about her place in the world. Although she still tries to be all dark and confident about her place in the war.
She has a nice set of friends there. I like how you used known and unknown names together. And that you made Tor younger than Harry and Draco. It gives you more freedom in the story I think, because we know next to nothing of that year. And you still keep track of all that has happened in the books. Showing how the death-eater families were left to wonder or grief as their loved ones would or would not return.
You give the dark side a human voice with this story and I like it. They aren't mere monsters. There are human, with families and lives before the war. And a sinister view on life of course.
And Yaxley is her father? I like that, it makes it easier to see how they would have been raised and how they view Voldemort.
I am very curious to the road she will take. This chapter only made me more intrigued. Having her as a narrator works well.
Another good chapter :D
Two typo's: When you speak of the picture Amaris took with Umbridge: "flanked my Amaris." I think that should read 'by'.
And near the end the carriage move into the light - moves.Author's Response: Hello! Great to see you back!
I definitely agree with how the kids think of themselves. They want power, but don't really understand what power means and what must be given up in order to achieve it. The characters are very strong but very naive at the same time, at least that's how I wanted them to come across.
It's good to hear that you liked the flashback about her father's warning, and noticed how frightening it was for them to see their strong father acting human and defeated. It's definitely a hard thing for Astoria and Daphne as well since they really idolize their father and want to be like him.
Yes, Tor is definitely conflicted! In these early chapters she is putting up a certain front and hiding her fear, whereas Amaris is a little more removed and sees the excitement in things.
I'm glad that you like her friend group so far, and hopefully it wasn't too confusing with all the new characters! I tried to do my best and fit them into the wizarding world as we know it. And yes, it definitely gives me more freedom! I'm going to try and fit the story into canon as smoothly as possible. :)
Also, I'm glad that you liked Yaxley as her father, and the darkness and humanity that kind of intersect in the story. It's very fun to write about!
I'll be going back and fixing those typos and the spacing. Thank you!! :) And thank you for this thoughtful and helpful review!! :D Report Review
The flow in this piece seems rather effortlessly. The imagery just right (and original). The words subtle yet powerful. It reads really easily.
And you described details to the scenes that didn't slow down what was happening, but made the reader more a part of it.
Pansy hasn't been explored very often. Which probably gives you a lot of free reign, yet it also makes it easy to go far away from who her character is in the books.
In my opinion you did not leave the girl from the books behind. You enhanced her.
Young Pansy seems realistic. I can easily believe she would have been kicking against her parents authority at age 9. Her mothers response is wonderful as well. Angry, but calm still. And then finish a lecture off with words such as: do you think it has been easy, raising a girl like you?
Those were some strong words and it suggested a slightly crooked relationship between mother and daughter. This would then account for Pansy's behaviour later on in life.
So I really thought this was a good fit for the characters.
Overall I think you did a good job with Pansy's character! Where power lays according to her...nice touch. She is mean, but she is also incredibly lonely, looking for some assurance that she belongs somewhere. Preferably somewhere with power. I liked that you gave her character this layer. It makes her believable. And very complicated as well. She has such a cockeyed view of the world and her role in it.
And her idea of where power lays is so different from her mothers idea. It shows that she never really stopped kicking against the authority of her parents.
And it makes the ending believable as well. For girl who wants to be powerful, strong, to be overpowered quite easily by one person. The person whose acceptance she seems to seek the most.
Although I must admit it came a as a surprise and I had to take a moment to get it. In a way that makes it a strong ending though. Because you've hammered on her power so much in the rest of the story. And for her to lay still, to not really interact while something was happening, but her wanting him to stay. It screams so much sadness.
I really liked this! Report Review
Sorry it took me a bit to get to this, but here I am :)
Right from the start I wanted to know what had happened to erase pretty much all feelings. It was very intriguing and the writing was very fluid. It read very easily.
You set a clear tone by using blankness and darkness for her feelings. It immediately made me envision a gloom setting and a broken heart. Yet I did not see where this was going, where she really was, who she really was. That mystery worked really well for this story! It was nice to figure it out after you read about her emotions. Because it somehow emphasized the feelings. They were already very powerful before the character was named.
When you spoke of a prison I thought Azkaban...but a man with a yellow umbrella wouldn't pass her window then...in fact I don't think she'd even have glass in a window if there was a window to begin with. It made me really curious.
What I really love in this story, is that despite the depression she feels she still wants to comfort her sister the moment she notes a sad tone in her voice. It's a really nice detail, which suits a sisterly bond. In fact all the interactions with her siblings were really great. Very realistic.
The emotions you describe seem very realistic to me. The numbness that is depression, being sad about said numbness. Not being able to react, even when you want too. And then, breaking, letting it all out. When Victoire cried...it was actually quite powerful. You didn't make it more then it needed to be. The moment was simple and that made it all the more powerful if you ask me!
And her interaction with her father. That is exactly how I pictured he would interact in such a situation! Sitting next to her, saying nothing. Waiting for her, waiting with her is more accurate perhaps. And going with him, because she knows she is safe with him.
It's been a long time since a story touched me like this has. Really! I know you said you thought it was waffly, but really it reads so easily even though the subject is so dark and sad. You used enough metaphors to describe her situation, to be drawn in as reader, to understand. How the arms of darkness embrace her, for instance. It was very compelling.
I wish I knew what happened that night. Not because this story needs it but it made me wonder. It made me question what would happen for her to be so broken. I always saw Victoire like her mother. Strong. Passionate in love. But perhaps a bit more guarded in showing her feelings. This story did not change that view, it showed that her love for Teddy was strong and passionate. And once she let the emotions out, she is ready to stand up and be strong again.
It was really beautiful in it's own dark way. Although I saw the ending as very hopefull and a lot less dark than the beginning. A strong piece and I really wouldn't be able to point out anything you'd need to change in this.Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks for the review:)
I'm so glad you like this! What I'm especially happy about is that you think the emotions I portrayed seemed realistic. I rarely write dark pieces like this, so when I do I'm always very nervous about the emotions I try to get across.
You have no idea how tempting it is to write a prequel to this, about what happened that night! I am seriously considering it!
Courtney:) Report Review
Thanks for requesting I read this. I might have missed this story otherwise. And that would have been a shame, it seems really promising.
When I read what it was about I was instantly intrigued. First of all Hermione is a complicated character. Secondly; the subject of the story id one I haven't read before, which is always nice.
I liked the dream-sequence. It helped set a tone for the rest of the chapter. Does it have any significance in later chapters? There was no descriptions of the bodies, so that had me wondering. Where they just the embodiment of all she had seen or where they more to her.
And I love the trio still shares a tent. Reminiscent of their 7th year. Also, Hermione would be the one to notice that Harry wasn't sleeping much. So nice touch. She always was very observant.
It's also very realistic that she would doubt her future plans. After all the things they've been through, peace and quiet would sound nice, I assume.
I like how Harry did finally realise what was bothering her. Their friendship has always been one I really like. Even though he sometimes takes a while to understand her, he always does.
So far I think you've done the characters justice in this story. They all seemed very in character! All the little details seem to fit. Hermione studying long hours. Harry pulling back by sitting alone, but letting people in who try. And Neville with his optimism and overall happy demeanour.
And the fact you did all this with little dialogue is something to be praised. By showing instead of telling the reader, you really pull us into the story and that makes it easier to relate to Hermione.
And what did their tests consist off? They had a month of training and testing, and I would have loved to read more about exactly what they faced.
I enjoyed this chapter. You've said enough to pull a reader in, I think. But not too much, which will leave them wanting more. Nicely done!Author's Response: The dream sequence is important, and the bodies are specific people, but I purposely kept it vague for the first chapter. More on this will be revealed over the next two chapters so I can't say much more on it I'm afraid.
I am so glad you like how I have portrayed the characters. I tried to show that Hermione was full of doubt on her decision to leave, but she is looking for some closure mostly, but also a break from fighting as she has not stopped since the war ended.
As for the tests, I am not too sure about the written exams, but the physical would be what I imagine a boot camp would be like, long and gruelling and test different skills. I think it would include some muggle elements like a timed run, scrambling under nets and climbing over obstacles. Then the trained aurors would shoot spells at them and they would have to dodge them. Then they would also have different scenarios that they would do in groups. They would have to storm a building and have to retrieve and item or a person from the enemy. But there would be a twist, like a trained auror playing the part of a death eater has taken polyjuice potion and you have to work out which one is your enemy. Well that is what I had in my head, but I think it would be a lot of description and I felt it would not really progress the story on much.
Thank you so much for the review and I am really glad you enjoyed reading this chapter. Report Review
Sorry it took me a few days to get to this, but here I am with a review :)
I like how you keep your characters very much the same. They don't suddenly become different people in a next chapter. I know that can sometimes be hard in the beginning of a story but you've been doing great on that end!
I like that Mikaela's friends call her out on her behaviour. She is quite judgemental and a bit mean. It's only fair they tell her and fire back. Who knows it might open up her eyes someday. Even if she means well (she thinks Alex deserves better) it does not do to go through life this way.
I am still very curious to meet Nicolas. I wonder what effect he will have on Mikaela. His gesture was nice, but I completely understand why she reacted to it the way she did.
One small thin g that could perhaps make things easier for the reader; make her internal dialogue different from the rest by italicizing it.
There was less description in this chapter. Which weakened the flow of the chapter a little. I saw Lululuna gave some good examples in that department.
A few typos:
It is the source I is using to relax and it is working with great success.
One paragraph further into the story: and looking at my with a very intense gaze. : My would be me, right?
There were a few more typo's so perhaps it would be a good thing to let someone else look it over again. During writing, it's easy to miss, even when you look over it yourself. A fresh pair of eyes might help.
Also you write mostly in present tense, but a few sentences had past tense.Author's Response: Heyy,
Yes I will correct all the typos. the just seem to ruin the story's effect.
Thankyou soo much :)
I am thinking of doing that with the dialogue.
Thankyou once again
Em Report Review
After the first paragraph I already feel like I’ll like Victoire! No room for winers :P.
I was however quite surprised that kids that young would go banshee hunting...why would their parents be okay with that? Or is it more like a fantasy as kids can have, where you make a forest out of 5 trees and such?
And I like how you made Rose as the caring one already...the mother figure of sorts. That is exactly how I always envision her, for some reason.
Then again while Victoire talks all tough, she obviously takes on that role as well! Bringing kids to the island on her back, trying to create something fun for everyone.
I like how you gave little details like phoenix pox, Teddy's blue hair or the tv at Teddy's grandmother. It gives the story a bit more body. It creates a world instead of just a story, so I really like it.
I do wonder about the toy brooms. Since they can only raise a little above the ground I always assumed they also lack much strength. But the bath-mobile seemed require quite a bit of strength in order for it to work.
And your descriptions of the surroundings were great. They really gave you an idea of what the kids in the story viewed.
I'm not quite sure what the plot is going to be for the next chapters but I liked this first instalment! It had quite a lot happening in it. The characters you described seemed in character, no OOC's seen, so that's good. Overall I think it's quite safe to say; post a new chapter! :)
One typo: When Teddy says he wants a pirate flag to keep wanted guests out, I think you meant unwanted..Author's Response: Eeeek I'm so glad you liked it! Yeah, it is more of a fantasy - I mean they wouldn't ever find any in the Potter's back garden..I hope they won't anyway! :P
Awh, I'm glad you perceive Rose that way as well! I think it's the Hermione-ness coming through, and I've always thought of Rose as the kind - of more practical and sensible one. Victoire, I think, tries her hardest to be the caring one, and the tough one, to try and please everyone, so I'm glad you picked up on that because that's one of the main things I wanted to put across while I was writing the chapter.
I tried really hard to add details - to make it seem more realistic - and it was lovely that you recognised that! It's fab you liked the characters - I always worry that they're too annoying/preditible - and the descriptions were believable enough. Thank you for the typo correction - I hate it when I have obvious typos that I've missed, so thank you :)
Thank you so much for this lovely long review - it's very sweet of you. You're awesome :D Report Review
When I saw the word count I thought it was short, but of course sometimes you don't need many words to tell a story correctly and good. And you told a full story. I did not feel it was rushed anywhere or cut off too soon. It was good!
I never read a story about James like this, so I liked that it's original! It was actually nice and refreshing to read. Many teens feel a lot of pressure, he must not have been any different. And with the war brewing outside of the castle, the atmosphere inside of the castle could not have been too good. So pressure would be rising.
Oh, and that stupid girl :)
I really liked how you portrayed his thoughts here. Although I did think some if it was quite American (wording) and for some reason I always simply assume it's going to be British (in the way J.K. wrote it) when it's related to Harry Potter. Silly I know!
And smoking gillyweed? I love it, I never would've thought of that haha.
I also really liked the sub-plot of the fight with his partner in crime. It seems fitting they fought over this at some point. It really was a good addition to the story, since it was what left him alone completely. Report Review
I'm always extremely curious when a story is written in one go. Sometimes those make the best stories. Simply because we don't over-think it.
Portraying adultery realistically is a difficult task, but I think you made it very believable. You made it clear that it was more complicated than simply not loving his wife any more. Life is never black and white and you showed that in this piece.
I think it's heartbreaking to read how he feels about her in comparison to his wife. And I could easily see this happen in real life to someone.
There are plenty of stories involving Dramione, but often they are quite unrealistic. You gave little back story, but the bit you did give showed how this was all started by a fight and a meeting afterwards to wrong rights. Perhaps you could say a little more about it, because it sounds like a good back story.
And the ending; I loved the twist! It was good. Ironic. Very original!
I really like the flow of this story. And certain sentences really stood out in a good way : "Losing silver wasn't any less worse than losing silver". For some reason I really like the message of that line.
One little thing, where he thinks what his wife would do if she knew : he hoped none of them would ever happen. I would change them for that. Report Review
I thought was a nice story! The title made me think this would be much more serious then it actually was. It was fun.
I like how you made them use a magical precaution, which they know nothing about. But James, seriously, did he learn nothing from his parents :P.
They are teenagers after all and they make mistakes, this makes it realistic. Of course mistake like this could alter their whole life.
The way Kate reacted was good. It made sense. She seems like a great friend! How did she find them so quickly though? If they simply entered a classroom?
While reading this I was think that perhaps you could make the back story of how they got together a little bigger. It would have little effect on the story of course, but I'm just really curious about things like that :). and perhaps knowing more of the characters makes it even more fun to read about their ordeal in here.
Do her parents know of her relationship? His family obviously is fine with it, but again I'm curious:P.
The ending seeming slightly rushed. Starting from the moment she enters the classroom with James. But I do think it's a good thing that he was taking his responsibility.
The twist was good! it'll make them think twice about how they handle things from now on.
This storyline is actually one I haven't read too often...if ever in this fandom. So I really like that!
I think it's a good thing that you posted it again! If you had fun writing it, you should always just enjoy that feeling. Regardless of the thoughts people have about it. Of course I doubt anyone would have a problem with this one.Author's Response: Hi! Responding to your lovely review after the edited chapter is validated. :) Now you'll get to know a nice little backstory of the relationship of James and Venus. I hope you like it!! :)
Haha, you're right. James should learn something from his parents. ;) Harry was perhaps more like Lily but James is totally like his grandfather, though James didn't do anything like this because he loved "Lily".
Anyway they're teenagers and they make mistakes.
Yes, yes Kate is one of the most brilliant friends I've ever written. She's already guessed what happened at Christmas and now she confirmed it. I've corrected the classroom thing too. :)
I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed the twist! :D I had written the story terribly when I first posted it and now I think I've done a better job. I did enjoy writing this both times, though. I know that feeling is great. :)
Thanks for the lovely review! :) Report Review
I still wonder, would Dominique have been able to simply hide out in the cabin? Or would that not have been an option? Not sure if I asked that in the previous reviews :P.
I'm going to say again, however, that I really like that you've made this about werewolves. I know J.K. Rowling once said something about Hermione fighting for their rights. However, we all know by looking at the history of the world that changing laws won't necessarily change the people. So I like to see your view on this subject in the future of Harry Potter. And no matter how supportive your loved ones are, it might just not be enough. You portrayed that well in Dominique's thoughts.
But I am sure it would hurt Teddy's feelings that Dominique thinks you can only be a monster once the virus infects you. After all everybody always ensured him his father was amazing and it's not like he can decide for himself.
And I actually like that you did no make it a big deal between Dominique and Victoire. I thought it would only make sense it would ensue drama, but I kinda like how you went about it.
And her boss, what a piece of work isn't she. 'Yes it's horrible what happened to you, but let's look at all the gain there is for me.' Haha I like it. A story always needs a somewhat unsympathetic person.
And I like Teddy. The way you describe him, makes me think of his father. So gentle and caring. And never losing his temper.
One typo I noticed: She giggled before planting a chaste kiss on her lips. I'm guessing her should be him.
I really like the pace of this story. You don't rush it, but enough happens. And the writing style, makes it flow so easily. Really, it reads quite effortlessly. I'm quite curious about what will happen next. What will Teddy say, do or think...
Another good chapter I'd say!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, and sorry for the late response.
I think Dominique wouldn't have been able to simply hide out in the cabin. The werewolf might just come barging in ;) And well she wasn't aware that a werewolf would be right outside her door so she assumed it was safe to 'run out'.
Yes it's true. I have seen this about a lot of things - changing laws doesn't change people and people's views. I am pleased you found all this portrayed well in Dom's thoughts.
Well, Teddy is very mature and sensible, so he won't let Dominique's words affect him greatly =)
I wanted to show a simple loving relationship between Victoire and Dominique, that they are sisters and a guy won't come in between them, so yeah.
Haha the boss is weird yes. Unsympathetic is exactly the right word for her!
Yes, as I said, Teddy is very calm, mature and sensible. Growing up without his parents, and with Harry in charge of him, and having Remus for a father, I think he'd have turned out that way.
Ooh thanks for pointing out that typo. I'll edit it out!
I was worried that the pace of the story is a little slow, but your comment has me relieved. I am so happy you like my writing style as well. The next chapter is in the queue.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I like how you alternate the chapters. And you are accurate, including the dates and everything. It's a nice touch! And the fact you have a few mental questions italicised, making it similar to the first chapter. I think it's always nice to see such consistencies in stories.
I love how you portrayed Hermione's thoughts. You stay so incredibly close to how J.K. Rowling wrote her, even though the books never really shared the thoughts of Hermione. It's also very realistic for Hermione to think about blaming harry, even if only for a split second, or how the recent events taint her beautiful memories of the forest. They're cold and tired, it's only normal. It's always nice to read about Hermione's feelings, because she so often has to be rational and strong, it's easy to forget she is just as human and compassionate and loving as the boys. If not more so.
She seems so depressed and yet she keeps going. That's how I always imagined her in the books as well. She could be kicked to ground, but she would not stay down.
I really like this chapter, as I did the previous chapter. It's so descriptive and realistic. It's really good. Sorry it took me a few days to get to this, but I'm glad I did read these :DAuthor's Response: Hi again!
I'm glad you felt like there was stylistic consistency between this chapter and the previous one. I didn't mean for them to have the exact same word count, but I did try to carry over the formatting. This was originally written for a challenge that was to show two different sides of an emotion or reaction, which is part of why there are parallels.
I really wanted to give Hermione a chance to show weakness in this story; as you said, she always has to be so strong and put her feelings aside for the sake of pushing forward. I'm sure it really took a toll on her out in the forest, when she finally had a chance to think. Like you mentioned, though, she's not the kind of person to actually give up in the end.
Thanks for another fabulous review! (By the way, I really appreciate you reading both!)
-Amanda Report Review
I always like it when quotes or riddles and small poetic pieces, start of a chapter. It always creates a tone for the story. However, I could not find a disclaimer. I think it would be wise to put who you've used to the words from in an authors note or something.
Now on to more important things, like the story itself! :)
I really like that you spoke of that seventh year, in school. The books told us little about what it was like. I like your take on it!
And Ginny is very realistic! She would be the first to chance a walk during the late hours. I never really thought how it would have been for her, back in school. Not knowing where some of the most important people in her life were and if they were still safe. Like I said, I like how you took that and turned it into a story.
And she would struggle not saying Voldemort, instead of he-who-must-not-Be-Named.
And I love that you have her imagining a future with Harry. Even though it saddens her it shows her strength. Because she would not imagine it if she had lost hope entirely.
And I REALLY like you the way you describe things. It flows so easily into the story. I could imagine myself standing in that tower. I could almost smell the air, especially since you said it was impending with rain. Also these descriptions really fit right with the emotions of Ginny. So that's another big plus. Your descriptions set a mood, but still let's you imagine the castle in all it's glory, despite the horrible occupants it also holds.
I truly enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for pointing it out to me.Author's Response: I actually credited the artist and song title in the story summary (the front page with the banner). But I appreciate your concern :)
It's good to hear that you like Ginny. She seems rather unpopular and hard to pin down, and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be the leading lady for someone like Harry, who comes with so much baggage. I do think she's a mixture of typical girlish fears and a hidden measure of strength, one that Harry surely depended on as her partner.
It's great that you like the imagery, too, and that you were able to identify with Ginny in her present moment of discomfort.
Thanks for your very kind review!
-Amanda Report Review
With that very first sentence you set the tone for this story. Very dark and very strong!
And by immediately making the I characters cower behind the captors you say quite a bit of the characters through suggestion. I like it!
And I love how you gave a more human description of the death eaters. We forget sometimes that despite their ideas of purity, they are still human and often parents. It really was a nice touch!
This was just a prologue so I knew it was not going to tell me too much of the plot, but I really like how you set the tone. And the thoughts of the lead character were very realistic. It's natural to be scared. Especially under those circumstances.
I am now really curious about the rest of the story! Nicely written!Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue and that it made you want to read more! :) Since this story is about the daughter of a death eater, it's been both exciting and challenging for me to write them as being more multi-faceted and less pure wicked. I'm happy that was effective here and that you liked the main character so far. Thank you for the thoughtful review! :) Report Review
I've never read a story like this. 500 words seems not enough to write a story, in theory that is.
When I read the words "Every song must end" I thought of a quote from One Tree hill about this. I know that's not where you got it from, but it did spark my interest immediately.
This piece was very poetic, and it worked well for this story. You managed to say so much with so few words. The ending seemed a little hasty but it didn't really bother me to be honest.
I really like how you portrayed his feelings here. His guilt over all that had happened. His bitterness over walking away so easily, as if any punishment would have made it better for him.
And then that ending so full of hope for a future.
When I read your a/n I realised there was indeed no dialogue. I hadn't missed it at all. His feelings said it all. It made this story flow quite fluently.
I liked it!Author's Response: Is the quote the same in One Tree Hill? How about that! I've never seen One Tree Hill, so I was unaware about this!
I'm really flattered that you found this piece poetic. It wasn't something I was aiming for, except for a sort of rhythm (does that count as poetry?) because whenever I've tried to actively write poetry, it hasn't worked out well! And I know the ending sounds hasty - because it is. My word limit was looming, so I rushed! *shrugs guiltily*
I'm glad you enjoyed Draco's characterisation. I tried to keep it as close as I could to canon, but I wasn't sure if my own sympathies might interfere!
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Starting with a dream sequence can be tricky, but you nailed it! And that moment after a dream, where you try to tell yourself it's only a dream. Again you make her reactions very realistic, which makes it easier to relate to a character.
And I like how the healer kept the questions open en non-suggestive. That is how it's supposed to be and it shows your ability to stay as close to reality as possible with a story about witches.
The family interactions were very good described as well. When tragedy strikes people react in very different ways. I like how you handles the characters here. When Dominique lashes out about what happened the night Sirius was saved from the dementors, then retreats slightly to say Remus was a great man, just no longer a man that time of the month...emotions were implied more then blatantly said and it worked very well! And Harry not telling Teddy about that, seems very in character as well.
My reviews aren't as long as usual, but that's simply because I found little that I wanted to point out other than the fact I really like it so far! The flow of these two chapters is very good, unforced, genuine, real.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing this chapter as well!
I was a bit wary of starting with a dream too, but I am happy to hear that you found it done well! I am pleased that you think Dom's reactions were realistic.
Really? I was so worried whether I got the healer scene right or not, so thank you for your comments, it's so good to know that you found it realistic.
I am glad you liked the family interactions, and liked the way I handled the characters. I wanted to show the emotions and yet not say them blatantly so its great that it worked. I always thought that Harry wouldn't tell the kids much about the "bad stuff" so yeah =)
I am so flattered that you liked this so far, and the flow seemed good to you. I am currently writing the third chapter so hope you like that too. Thanks a lot! Report Review
First of all I want to say I really like your writing style. You described just enough of the surroundings and such, to give the reader an image and for that reader's imagination to take it from there. And you worked in a description of some of Dominique's features without giving it too much attention. You made it fit in the story seamlessly. And she is a Ravenclaw, making it a perfect fit for her to come back for her notebook fist.
And making her go after a story like this, I like it. And making her afraid despite the better examples so close to her. Nice touch, realistic.
I also like the idea of going into her life after school, unlike most stories I've seen about her. It's different and gives you many opportunities on where you could take the story.
I do wonder what made you go with Teddy Lupin. I'm very curious to read more about that!
And the way you put in 'smaller' details of characters is impressive!
It's a good start. It sparks my interest and curiosity!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. Sorry for the delay in responding.
I am pleased that you like my writing style with all the descriptions and such. Its good to know Dominique's features and traits came across to you. I am glad that you found this realistic too, so thanks.
I always thought that in-school life is rather cliche (and I always find it difficult to write) so its great you like this idea of after-school.
Teddy & Dominique are my OTP haha. More about their relationship will be revealed later.
I am so happy you noticed and liked the smaller interests too. Thanks a lot for all your lovely words. Report Review
I like how Dominique responded to the news of the engagement. I think I'll like her character. There are only a few friends in your lifetime that you can banter with like this. Of course, they take it up a notch with the actual spell against Dom, but that's Slytherin for you.
And Alex seems to be able to judge situations and feelings quite well. We all need a friend like her in life. I like that you created these characters to be her friends. I have a feeling that they won't let Mikaela feel all high and mighty for too long, before they set her feet back upon solid ground.
I like the friendship these girls seem to share!
Small typo, when she explains the situation isn't easy for her. "no of which involved some bloke." no would be none, right?
"Let's it go Mickey", Let's?
Anyway, overall I can say that this is quite a good story. And so far you've been able to keep many cliches out the door, so good on you. I enjoyed reading this.Author's Response: Everyone loves her lol its actually funny
thankyouuu Report Review
I love the drama queen in Mikaela. People underestimate the amazingness that is a drama queen :P
And I like how you pointed out, so much has already happened and all in one day. I'm always amazed that someone can have one day stretched out over several chapters. Especially when, while reading, not once do you feel like it's stretched, just for stretching. You do a good job in that!
Also, bonus points for staying true to the character of Mikaela. Sure it's only been four chapters now, but I seen people change a character every chapter and I'm glad you stick to who you made here in the first chapter. She is still as spunky as ever and I really like that part about her, it makes her very realistic. I think most people would get angry when forced into her situation. Especially at her age.
You also spoke of Sirius. Then the half blood prince. It confused me, because it seemed you were calling Sirius the half blood prince.
I am happy you explained more of Scorpius and his house, though. I wondered about that when you mentioned the Gryfindors in the first chapter. I assumed, but it's good to have you explain it here.
One thing that's again a personal thing. Draco said "Astoria and I will talk to later". It seems off to use her name there. "Your mother and I will talk to you later", sounds more like I think he would talk. Again that's personal, so you can simply ignore this comment if you want to haha.
One thing I must point out, you could use more comma's in your sentences. But again, that's nitpicking, since you've already been getting that much better in your writing.
There are still a few spots where your sentences are a bit choppy, which can give it that rushed feeling. "I tried to reply with mine. Failed miserably.", these for instance. I love what you are saying here, it's funny. But I think the sentences could flow better with some small adjustments. Something like: "I tried to reply with mind, but alas I failed miserably." Of course this is just a suggestion!
I saw a misspelling of Louboutins. I love those shoes. I only wish I had money like the Malfoy's haha. That closet of Mikaela would be appreciated as well.Author's Response: Lol. Thankyouu for nitpicking. It is really helping me. Im so excited to update chapters now. I love your comments! Report Review
I like how you went from having no magic in the end of the last chapter, to her realising magic is too important to her in this chapter. I was already pretty certain she would not leave magic behind, but I like how she has come to that conclusion herself.
She is much more like her father, then I first thought she would be and I like it. You used the books for references. While Draco has moved away from his past, he still is who he is and it shows in his children. I like that.
Her sarcasm was very good in this chapter! "If you don't get my sarcasm, I don't like you", I liked it!
You mentioned more then once that her memory isn't too good. I think once would be enough and simply hint at it in later sentences. It seems a bit double now.
Alter you write "and a fist palm" perhaps you could look at the sentence again. It doesn't really flow right.
I like that you spend time on her relationship with her mother. However, the scene itself seemed slightly rushed. Perhaps you could add some more conversation or more thoughts about everything. It is however a good idea to have a scene like this. Mikaela is going to have a lot on her plate and being able to speak to her mother could help her through.
A typo in the paragraph where you say there is no love. The third sentence "There I something like that". The I was meant to be is, I believe.
And one r is missing in Durmstrang.
And one l in levelled.
When she speaks of her future; "it with be taught in Hogwarts." would be.
"Do you need a standing innovation?" did you mean ovation?
I know the typo's can come across as a bit nitpicking. And it is of course since they are so small, but I noticed them, so I figured I'd point them out.Author's Response: Haha im so glad you are liking this. Im getting all pumped up wiyh your reviews. Thankyouu.
Thankyou for pivking them out i will surely edit them. Yayy. Thankyouu Report Review
The longer sentences already make this seem less rushed! It still is at parts but it's already improved!
I'm glad you had Draco mention something about the muggle devices. After all the Draco we read about for seven books didn't want to have any part of that world. That his kids can, shows he has grown into a different direction as his parents. His words however show she still struggles with that, he'd rather not let that world into his own.
He does sound like a strict father. He dropped a bombshell on his children and wishes for them to respond proper and polite. Slightly naive. Any parent would probably tell you that any child would rage, and it probably wouldn't hurt to have them let it all out right away. Otherwise they can only bottle it up and it might explode at the most impossible time.
Most of his reactions to the situation seem believable. Except where he rolls his eyes at his wives. After so many years of marriage, assuming it's a good marriage, I'd think he would be more understanding of her emotions. They aren't exactly strange emotions, in my opinion.
But other then that last bit, I think Draco's pov was written well.
Mikaela's pov was well written as well! This chapter already has some more descriptions in there. I still think you could possibly add more, but I see progress already! And that in only the second chapter, nice! She is spunky, sarcastic, but also understands that certain things can't go her way. That she will have to try and make the best of it. I like it.
While we haven't read too much about the relationship between Mikaela and Scorpius, I like the little bits and pieces you have put into the story so far. He looks out for her, even though they are quite different. Something that's pretty realistic for siblings, I think.
And I like how you've made her proud of her family name, much like her father. They are a proud bunch, the Malfoy's. Nice touch.
And the relationship Mikaela has with her father seems good too. She cares about his feelings and wants to protect them from further harm.
A small mistake: you use the words inflate, when speaking of Mikaela's ego. It should be deflate.
A little later into the story Mikaela says is not going to freeze of cold. Wouldn't that be the cold? Or you could simply end the sentence after freeze. That would work too.Author's Response: Its Draco. He rolls his eyes everything. He loves but in his own way.
He is a strict father. Scorp and mikaela would be amazin twins.
It will get better trust me. I will correct the mistakes when i edit the chapter. Thankyou
Em Report Review
The story-idea is tricky. It can easily turn very into some big cliché. However, when it works it could be amazing as well. So I was quite anxious to start ready, not sure what to expect.
And I want to give you credit for being open to critical reviews. I know that can be scary on your first story. Personally, that's when I learned the most.
Some parts seem a bit rushed. Perhaps you could look it over again and add some descriptions. You could talk more about the surroundings. It might help to slow you down a little. It will make the story flow better and improve the quality.
I was so confused when I read "the whole Gryffindor house being there". Nice touch actually. I wonder how Draco would have liked that.
I like how you described the arranged marriage, how it came to be. It's not something I read before, which is a good thing! But what an incredibly mean thing to do, never thought Narcissa would do such a thing. Then again, she is very sneaky and holds a different set of family values I think.
One comment that seemed off and out of character. "I'm not a coward even if I am a Slytherin". I always got the impression that Slytherins would never talk of themselves like that. Often they find themselves superior to others. They are cunning and take the easy road, but cowards they would not call themselves. Of course, this is just my interpretation, but I figured I should mention it.
Also in the UK I don't think you can drive a car until you are 17. So she would not have gotten a car at 16.
A small thing in the grammar department: You speak of 'happy tears of happiness', I think it's the 7th paragraph. Either it's happy tears or tears of happiness. That same paragraph: "taken of my guard", wouldn't that be taken of guard?
And perhaps a missed word later in the story when you describe Draco. "But he minds when we do" the way I read it, he doesn't mind.
Overall I think this is a good start. Especially when you say this is your first fan fic!Author's Response: Hi there thankyou soo much for the review. You will like it hopefully. Lol.
And malfoys dont seem to follow the muggle rules. Thats why. They really dont care about the muggle society. Soo many reviews. Im soo excited now. Thankyou soo much.
Em. Report Review
An interesting pairing. Even with a challenge I don't think I would have been able to come up with anything. You know I always like your style of writing, this chapter was no different.
It's also always interesting to see how people write Hermione when she hasn't succeeded in everything she achieved. I like how you did it here. She was always quite the perfectionist and not succeeding at something would bring her down, I believe.
The idea that she would go look for some adventure is also very believable. After all it's how she lived for so long, ever since starting Hogwarts. It makes sense she would go back to that in order to move forward.
And Harry hiding his sadness the way you described, even if it was such a small thing, true to the character.
I am very curious to the rest of the story. So far you've stayed true to the characters even in the smallest details. I wonder what happened to Hermione, to have be all alone now. Where is Ron? And how was she robbed of the life she wanted?
Again very curious to see where you will take this!
Small typo: "Why the had felt the need", they felt the need. Report Review
This story idea is very interesting. I never thought of this and that made me want to read this. I was very curious about your take on this. And I liked it!
I wondered though about what Lily was doing in the school at the point of this story and what role Dumbledore had here. He is at least twice her age if not three times that. For some reason this story gave me more the idea that they were more equal in age, perhaps because I am so used to him being called professor. And was there nobody around she could ask for help?
That said Lily otherwise seems very well written. She is, after all, very smart. Slughorn said in the sixth book, she was one of the best in his subject, so I like how you got that subject into the story. And the fact she stayed in contact with Slughorn is realistic. He stayed in touch with all his good students.
Also the relationship between James and Lily was well written as well. I liked it. Some banter, a lot of love. It's how I imagine it to have been for them.
Personally what I would change is the location of the next meeting. The great hall seems far too risky. Dumbledore's office seems more secluded or someone's house. But that is merely a suggestion.
And you took the time to really describe the potion as she was making it. A very nice touch I think! Perhaps you could add a clearer time to it. Most potions take some time to make, now it seems a matter of minutes. Which could work, if you'd mention something about it. For instance, that one certain ingredient sped up the process by that much. Or she was already in the process of making something similar before she heard the noise.
Near the beginning of the story a small typo: word where it should be words. "she muttered a few word over it".
A little further into it, when you are describing the potion: "The potion hiss" it would be hisses or hissed in past tense.
Where you explain Lily's presence in the castle: "to ask Slughorn as question or two", the 's' would be an 'a'.
And when Dumbledore explained what happened: "Dolohov curse a blade" cursed. And the next sentence says 'I' instead of 'it'. A few sentences later Lily's says "I did want anyone"; want/what.Author's Response: It was set the first Christmas after Lily graduated and late evening so in my mind the castle was pretty empty. That's why there wasn't anyone around to help and also the reason they were temporarily using the Great Hall for meetings. I like to think Dumbledore thought of Lily as an equal or at least no longer as a pupil but yeah I may not portrayed this well.
Thank you for your review, it was really helpful. I shall go back and make some changes based on what you have said - especially the typos, I'm terrible at re-reading my own work. But yeah it seems there's definitely a few points I need to clarify. Thanks again, was really appreciated. Report Review
I like the way you described how people behave around her. It's very believable. Also when the lead mentions that it is time to move on, not forget but to live. Nicely done!
And the way you describe things, is something I really like. The description of the meadow; poetic and not too much explained, so it leaves room for my imagination to flow. And it was a nice metaphor for her life and the way she looked at it. I spoke of hope.
I wondered, is there a specific reason why the centaurs trust her? Or simply because when she is in the forest, she isn't strictly speaking herself? I really like how you described them. It fits with the way J.K. always spoke of them.
The flashback was incredibly sad. And well placed into the chapter!
I wonder if she is as ready to move on as she thinks she is. Simply because nobody helped her deal with the pain. She wasn't able to talk about it. I do hope she finds someone that will let her speak though and I wonder what that would do to her. Or what would happen to her if she doesn't find anyone any time soon...
On a more shallow note; I love the name Genevieve!!!
A small typo in the second sentence: reveling -> revelling.
And where you mention it's been three years since Daniel died you have one 'it' too many in the sentence.
And you did give some nice clue's about what she was. However, not too many. Not everyone will catch on which I think is good. I like it when information is given in bits and pieces.
All in all I can say I really enjoyed reading this! It has a nice flow and style to it. It made me very interested in where this story will go.Author's Response: Be right back, currently squealing in happiness over this review.
Okay, I'm back. I'm glad I portrayed the main character well - I'm writing from an angle that I'm relatively unfamiliar with, so it's good to know I'm doing it realistically.
The centaurs were interesting to write, and I worked really hard to make sure they were accurately described, so I'm happy you noticed that! I think that yes, part of the reason they trust her is that she isn't a human, and that she's also similar to Hagrid in that she just gets along with magical creatures quite well, especially considering she is somewhat of one herself. :)
She kind of doesn't know her own emotions. Since she hasn't really had anyone to help her deal with it, she's just let it collect inside of her. Truth be told, I'm still debating how I want this to play out later on in the story.
I love the name Genevieve too, and I actually picked it because of how it'll be used in future chapters. Okay, stopping now before I give away anything. :)
Gahh, I hate that stupid double l rule... I will make sure to fix that, along with the "it," ASAP! :)
I kind of tried to leave subtle hints, but yeah, the whole point is that it does come as a little bit of a surprise in the end, and you think "oh... how did I miss that?" :)
Yay! I'm glad you liked this. Thanks for the review!
-ShadowRose Report Review
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