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Reading Reviews From Member: joe the squirrel
  
12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by joe the squirrelGinnys war: waiting to fight

25th April 2008:
hm interesting point of view
you did a good job with the pace of the action and description, keep doing that

i thought the first three paragraphs were entirely unneccessary, however. They were much slower than the rest of the chapter and seemed like a history of the weasleys. The important details from those paragraphs would do better is they were worked into the rest of the chapter.

If it had started with fred looming over ginny it would have grabbed my attention much faster.

but keep writing and update soon :)

Author's Response: thank you! I was struggling with an opening, as i had already planned my plot for battle itself, i just wasn't sure how to begin it. I might edit the first paragraphs later, and thank you for the advise, to will be put to good use!

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Review #2, by joe the squirrelLies: Chapter 1

25th April 2008:
Kool :) i usually don't like dramione stuff, but this gives it a viable reason

The dialogue was very fluent and believable.

What i didn't like was the blatant statement of the facts in the beginning. It is important to establish background, but it's always better to work some of the details in with the action, instead of outright saying them all.

great job keep writing

Author's Response: Thank you for your review. :)

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Review #3, by joe the squirrelSuprise With Death and Love: Suprise With Death and Love

9th September 2007:
haha -- that was funny
The Notorious Sirius Black, The Metamorphis Nymphora Tonks Lupin, The Werewolf Remus Lupin = awesome

the first half was excellent but the sudden changes at the end seemed almost comical, like it was rushed

...14 "look"s...you don't even have to use a synonym, just form the sentence differently:
The look that she had on her face was lust.
becomes
Lust dominated her expression.

"Grief swept over her and she instantly decided her life was over."
good sentence, but there are two "over"s, which is best to avoid

some punctuation is unnessary, while in other places there isn't enough

very good job :=)


Author's Response: thanks Joe,

i really need to watch my words.

this was rather funny cause someone had dared me to drabble myself with Bella.
and yes Tina is suppose to be me. i didnt even plan for it to be shippy either, it just happened. Cause i personally hate Bella, so for me to do what happened in the drabble, would be a little shocking.

but thanks for the review, you are the best!

Tina


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Review #4, by joe the squirrelHarry Potter and the Secrets of War: Choices=Consquences=Danger

4th September 2007:
screaming...
writhing .
engulfed .
trailing.
captivating words

overall = greatly improved
you got the creative thing down like a pro

looking at the first paragraph in the hospital scene
i count 6 pronouns to 15 proper nouns -- ewww
once it's established where we are repeating the location does nothing but interrupt the flow --

.She tried to remember why she was in the Hospital Wing. But before she could really remember anything the Hospital Wing door opened and.(2 remember = bad)

make it something easier to read:
...She tried to figure out why she was there, but before she could remember anything, the door opened and.

i realize listing the names is neccesary, but two draco's and two christina's in the last sentence is extraneous

refer to the ppl and things in different ways. this can even add description
...but she was determined and was able to get the cursed paper into the flames...


.McGonagall asked looking sternly at Draco and Christina. Christina looked over at her feet.

i count a total of 15 'look's
of course it's hard, otherwise everyone could do it-- even me


"If for no one else, write for yourself."
--anonymous




Author's Response: thanks Joe,

im still somewhat new at this. but im glad im inproving. thanks for pointing those out. The next chapter should be coming soon. but i need to look at it once more before i post it. but thanks
Cissy


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Review #5, by joe the squirrelHarry Potter and the Secrets of War: Questions, Tears, Tempers, Choices, and Patronusses

30th July 2007:
...got dirty looks from all the Slytherins. As they walked to Potions they got more dirty looks...threw them dirty looks.Pansy responded while throwing her a dirty look. we're gonna need a lot of soap

repetition is usually not good. again, use the thesaurus. give them another expression: malicious gaze, disgusted glance, loathing stare.

..and go for a walk.” Christina replied quietly. They grabbed some toast and walked out onto the grounds. They walked in total...
walk is so boring

.It had cushions piled in a corner, books lining a book self in the opposite corner. Weasel and Harry seemed to be having a heated conversation in a corner. ...
we really don't need to know whats in every single corner.

keep in mind that reading the same word or phrase over and over isn't descriptive, and it detracts from the flow. while writing, or rewriting, always watch for repeated words.

love the story. "you guys" sounds better when harry says it. awesomeness.

Other things: careful with the ; they're not very common. it's usually better to simply make a new sentence, though they do have their place.

i didn't need to read what everyone's patronus is.

tenses are bound by time just like the rest of us. They don't jump from past to present. watch them closely.

pant pant ok i'm done. looking forward to next chap. :)




Author's Response: Thanks Joe. you are being really helpful. ill keep those things in mind. about the patronuses some of those will be seen again later. so i need to tell you who they belong to. ill try to stay out of reptition, and try to find a thesursaus in my house.
christy


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Review #6, by joe the squirrelKnowing Nothing is Better than Knowing It All: Insufferable Know-It-All

19th July 2007:
beautiful

the repetition sets the mood wonderfully
the sentences roll together so u can't stop reading
u don't state the obvious, giving room for the reader to imagine

let's see. hmm. when we come back to the present, all the sentences start with a pronoun. That's hard to help, and even adds to the mood, but seeing 'she' over and over at the beggining of sentences gets old.

*searching for obscure detail to criticize*

some of the periods would be better replaced by a , : or ;
It isn't necessary, though they are very good for continuing the same thought while remaining within the wonderful rules of english
AND :'s ;'s make u look smart

awesome one shot keep it up



Author's Response: Thank you. Yeah, i guess it is a little pronoun-heavy. As for the semicolons...i've always tried to avoid them for fear of breaking their rules of usage. I suppose i should break out of that habit, eh? thank you for your review!

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Review #7, by joe the squirrelAt the Moment: At the Moment

17th July 2007:
nice fluff

i think they were only OoC so much as to make the scene work

Some of the paragraphs overuse a word, and sentences sometimes contain the same word twice.

There was a blazing fire, a comfy couch placed just in front of the fire, a table in front of the couch complete with fresh and steaming hot cocoa and biscuits, and scattered around the room were calming articles.

That didn't set too well with me.

But great chemistry -- looking forward to the rest of the series

Author's Response: Thanks for the pointers. :)

-Avelia


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Review #8, by joe the squirrelJoined together, taken away: Quidditch

17th July 2007:
It's great that you started it with an action scene, most stories i read are extremely slow in the first chapter. I do wish it hadn't ended so soon.

The dialogue was nice, though a bit exaggerated in places.

Narration of more than just harry ron mione and malfoy, like harry watches the quaffle for awhile, would have been a good addition.

But wow you use excellent words: erupted, taunting frail.

Awesome -- don't stop

Author's Response: Thank you very much. I appreciate the time you took to comment. XD

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Review #9, by joe the squirrelHypnotic Avocation: Sandpits & Childhood Friends

16th July 2007:
who says its boring? any halfway decent scene can be exciting with the right words
love the dialogue, watch the tenses: all present or all past

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Review #10, by joe the squirrelHarry Potter and the Secrets of War: Secrets Revealed

16th July 2007:
The idea is brilliant, but the writing is rather sloppy.
Unrealistic dialogue, very little description in between and a poor choice of words take away from the important information being presented.

Things like "you guys", emotionless revelations and everyone thinking the same way.
If i was talking to my long lost children who thought they were normal i wouldn't talk calmly, and if i learned that my parents weren't my real parents i'd chase it more than the patronus. i might even hate him for not coming to me sooner.

The setup is great but it does seem like just a little too much is revealed.
James suddenly back from the dead would be enough to keep me guessing.

one last thing -- cut back on the names! Figuring out interesting ways to refer to someone or something really keeps you reading, but a sentence full of hermione this christina that is slow and bulky.

keep writing, don't stop - stopping is bad
8/10 for awesome plot



Author's Response: thank you,
i'll keep that in mind.
i have chapter 4 on the way.
thank you,
christy


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Review #11, by joe the squirrelHarry Potter and the Secrets of War: N.E.W.T.S. Year

16th July 2007:
clever title
great plot, good cliffhanger, excellent tension
but the words are usually boring:
got
sat
turned
said

they all get the point across but aren't engaging.
i like cool words:
obtain
slouch
twirled
mutter
A thesaurus is your best friend, shift+F7 in microsoft word, or on the internet

your ideas are wonderful so keep them coming
but i would love to see more slytherin characters

Author's Response: thanks,
I'll work on the word problem
i like my title to so they thank you.
i have more.
we see a couple more of the Slytherins in the next couple chapters.
thank you,
christy


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Review #12, by joe the squirrelHarry Potter and the Secrets of War: Head Boy?

16th July 2007:
The ideas and possibilities presented are interesting with lots of potential, but most of the sentences seem bland and repetitive.

I think more could be done with mione/chris, like mione grimacing at the mention of draco

"I don't know WHAT you find so attractive about him."

But the scene in the beggining was excellent and overall very nice.

Author's Response: thank you,
we see a lot more of Christina and Mione together in the next couple chapters.
Hermione kind of accepts Draco and Christina. see still doesnt like him. but she has somewhat accepted the couple.
thank you.
christy


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