I came back from Marrakech last weekend and I just had to read your story again. I'm still amazed at how wonderfully you portray the city, everything is so accurate and when reading this, I almost felt like I was back in the Djemaa el-Fna, listening to the storytellers speak in a language I didn't understand.
The only two things I noticed were the mint tea, which is definitely not refreshing because it's too sweet and the fact that Rose and Scorpius took a long time to visit the market. That's almost impossible if you spend your days walking through the souqs, sooner or later you'll land there. But it's such a different place during the day compared to the evening that it doesn't make a difference to the story if they caught a glimpse of the almost empty square during the day before.
Anyway, I'm left speechless at your amazing ability to tell this story. I need to have been in a place to understand it and even then I have problems describing the story. After having seen Marrakech with my own eyes, this is now definitely my favourite story on HPFF and I'll come back here to read it again when I want to be reminded of my holiday! Report Review
Yay! Sirius hit Dominic. How awesome is that? Seriously, I love that scene. It shows the character development that Elsa is going through, how she's changing and now standing in between Dominic and Shannon. Was it her fight with Sirius? I have no idea, but I think it's well done and well placed at this point in the story.
You know, it was interesting reading how Elsa met her parents, especially when she was talking about the happenings of the summer to her father. But what about Damon? Was he still sitting next to her at that point? That must have been so awkward for him! And it means that Elsa's father knows that Damon knows. I mean, he never exactly mentions what had happened, there's no talking about death or murder, but he really must trust Damon if he brings up the subject in front of him. Very interesting that Marisol left but Damon stays.
By the way, what I've wanted to ask for a long time, is it a coincidence that you named him Damon, which is so close to the word "demon"? Only one letter changed... Or is it just me who's noticing this because English is a foreign language to me and I'm not used to the name "Damon"?Author's Response: I think the fight with Sirius had something to do with it. But really, I think she's finally realized that Dominic is crazy. Plus, she is rather mad that her parents confronted her about telling Sirius and Cordelia.
The trust that Evander and Damon have becomes quite apparent as the story progresses, but this is just the first of it.
I think you might just be noticing because english isn't your first language. Because I didn't pick the name based around that. More so, just because I liked the name.
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Damon isn't so bad, I think. You know, I was surprised when I found out that he and Dominic know that Elsa spilt the secret to her friends. I would have thought that he would have made a comment towards Elsa in the scene at the very beginning of the chapter, just to make sure that his secret would be safe. Damon appearing spoiled it for Dom, I think, and kept me in the unknown for a little longer.
Poor Sirius! First, Elsa agreed to go on a date with Damon, then, he learns that she watched a muggle child die without intervening and then he finds her and Damon outside in the rain together. He must hate life right now. The way you describe him here is very believable, I absolutely love it.
And I feel sorry for Elsa, too. She's in such a bad situation here - and she's still feeling guilty about what happened. I can understand that she hates Sirius for the moment and am looking forward to finding out what happens next between the two.
Oh, and by the way, I loved Damon's comment about the wet clothes. I'm sure he didn't even mean it that way. It took me two times until I understood the double meaning but now I find that part very funny.
Great job! :)Author's Response: I don't think Damon would want Elsa to know he knew because that would mean that Dominic also knew, and that would just make things far more complicated for Damon. Keeping secrets from Elsa is something he would do to protect her or keep her from being mad at him.
I feel bad for Sirius. I love him so much and then I do horrible things to him. Like this. But how he reacts is so Sirius to me.
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
How can Elsa forget her wand? I always thought that it was so important to a witch or wizard that they'd never leave it anywhere. Then again, I guess this shows how distraught she really was.
Damon is very interesting here, turning from the enemy to someone Elsa can at least accept. I love how you didn't try to make him the complete opposite of how she always thought he was, but stayed true to his character. For example, he admits that he doesn't like Elsa being friends with muggle-borns but that he'll accept it. That was a very important part, I think, to make it believable that Elsa's slowly changing her mind about him.
The part where you describe how Elsa watched a muggle girl die was very strong. I'm not a huge fan of backflashes, I think that every story can live without them. Here, however, you manage to tie it in perfectly. It's one of the very few exceptions to the rule. I don't know how else you would have been able to describe the scene and show Elsa's feelings so well. With your descriptions, you create a dark atmosphere that fits perfectly with what is happening. Dominic is so creepy! I wonder how Elsa managed to see Damon afterwards without him noticing anything.
And Sirius? Has he never done anything he hated himself for? I didn't expect him to react this way. Still, it's interesting in a way and when I read this the first time, I was so caught up in it that I couldn't stop for reviewing (sorry - but that's why I'm coming back now). :DAuthor's Response: They wouldn't go anywhere without their wand. It was just that Elsa was slightly more concerned about getting away from Dominic knowing what he was going to do.
I can't imagine any pureblood giving up their dislike for muggle-borns simply because he wanted to win the girl. It just doesn't seem like something Damon would do. I'm not about to compromise his character just so he can have Elsa.
I hate using backflashes unless they are absolutely necessary. When I could figure out how to write it any other way that would give the information needed, I knew I had no choice. I'm glad it worked for you.
Dominic is crazy. He is a real nutter.
I think Sirius was more like "how can you possibly keep this from the authorties?" type deal. Because he knows how purebloods are and he hates them all the more for it. I think because it was Elsa who did nothing, it just made him realize that she isn't much like him at all.
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
This was very interesting. I like the unusual point of view, second POV is not often done so I enjoy reading it. I also love the image of the daisies in Rose's head, you described them so well.
To be honest, I had to read the last part twice before I understood what had happened to Teddy. And even then, I never saw him as one to go out on a boat - although that's just my impression and seeing as none of them was described well in the books, you've got all the freedom you like there.
What I really liked are the emotions that come up when reading this piece. You manage to portray Rose's feeling so well, I felt so sorry for her. All the sorrow, the hope, and especially in the end, it made sense. Her not having accepted that Teddy won't come. That was amazingly well done! Great job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. I guess there are many reasons he could be on a boat, apart from a job - maybe even a holiday! Thank you so much for the lovely review. Report Review
I'm the first one to leave a review! I feel so special! I think it's a shame that this story is not as appreciated as it should be. You're a great and very talented writer, you should have lots and lots of reviews here. There are many stories on HPFF and not all of them are worth reading, but this one definitely is.
Aw, no awkwardness between Padma and Theodore here. Although, of course, it had to change at some point as you're moving the story forward. And the scene between Padma and Fanny was funny enough.
There is, however, lots of awkwardness between Harry and Cho. Man, it must be such a strange situation, meeting him again after all those years. I think that once again, you portray the two wonderfully. Also, Harry moping around is well done. We've had lots of it in the books and this is as if it came straight from there.
I love that Alicia is making some progress here. We've got all of the girls develope in a way and now it's Alicia's turn. She's a very interesting person, I think I recognise myself a bit in her and that's why I like her. I'm looking forward to the next chapter and to finding out what's going to happen to her!
PS: I don't know what the girls have against green paint... ;)Author's Response: Hi! Can I just say it made my day to see all the reviews you left this story? It doesn't get much attention otherwise.
Thank you so much for saying that, though. This story is very special to me since it's based on some real life escapades.
Yup, the awkwardness between Padma and Theodore is dimming somewhat, but there's plenty of it with Harry and Cho to make up for it! Harry moping - I loved writing that. :D
Alicia's development, to me, is probably one of the biggest, alongside Hannah's. I definitely think she grows up as a person, so I'm excited to see that you like her!
Oh, and the green paint that they all pictured was lime-green: bright and jarring. They, of course, had to step in. ;)
Thanks so much for your support!
Typo first: I found one towards the end: "His face was newly wan and he gave Cho and imperceptible, tired stare, before deadpanning back to the wall." -> "...gave Cho AN imperceptible, tired stare..."
Lavender and Draco? Now that's an unlikely pairing! I love how you portray Hannah in this scene, especially when she tells the other girls that a hidden love affair would be too much work for her. That was so funny!
Aah, I remember Rita Skeeter. I think it's time for me to read that book again, just because that reporter was so hilarious. So Cho has finally found out that Harry and Ginny have split up. You know, here, I would have loved to know if she knew about it before or if Hermione mentioning it was the first time she heard about it. I remember Alicia and Angelina talking about it in an earlier chapter, but it would have been nice to have Cho's reaction when she first heard it - or just a general thought about how she confirms that this rumour is definitely true.
Once again, you manage to convey the awkwardness between Padma and Theodore wonderfully. It was so funny when Fanny called him over, they worked in silence and he then had to ask why exactly he was assigned to working on this. But I love that they finally talked about their past at Hogwarts. The two are making progress. ;) I'm looking forward to reading more of them, they're the highlight of every chapter. No matter how much I love everyone else, so far, I think I like Padma and Theodore best.
Talking about awkwardness, the scene between Harry and Cho was very interesting to read, too. It was funny because you wrote it so well how none of them knew what to say and because I could immediately feel how uncomfortable those two were around each other. I'm curious about how those two will develop, just like I'm curious to see what Alicia will do with her life.
Good work! :)Author's Response: Woah, typo alert! I'll get to fixing that, I swear!
Lavender and Draco is what they make up in their heads - it doesn't really happen, but I found it really fun to write! Glad you found Hannah funny, she's just oddly practical that way.
I wanted Cho to find out later than the readers because at that point, a lot of people knew except her. But I do find it interesting that you'd rather have had her find out first.
The awkwardness between Padma and Theodore...was incredibly awkward to just write. It's lovely that you like them the best! Everyone has different favorites, I suppose, but I ship them together too. :D
Cho and Harry's awkwardness is only slightly more awkward than Padma and Theo. All the awkwardness between the couples is fun to write! And Alicia has decisions ahead of her.
Thank you so much for the reviews, Iloenchen! Report Review
Haha, so funny when Cho complained to Hermione about the task sounding like a lot of work and then, at seeing Hermione's scandalised face, quickly adds that they should get started. :D Very funny, too, was the scene at the beginning when Cho and Padma were late to work. Isn't it ironic that the only one who seemed to be ready, namely Hannah, seemed to be the only one who started work later than the other two? The idea of there being a shoe missing and Padma just grabbing a slice of bread were both scenes that I've lived through. You have to be careful not to make it too cliche, this kind of stuff doesn't happen every day (at least not in my life and those around me), but so far you're keeping it balanced well and it still feels real and very hilarious.
You know, I was curious about when Harry and Cho would finally meet. To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of that pairing. I loved them in book five, but ever since book six was out it was clear to me that it was Harry and Ginny. That's why I was excited about finding out how you'd take on the relationship and how I would feel when reading about it. Not much has happened between the two so far but it was just enough for me to like it. If it had been more, I would have been put off. Here, you manage to show me the awkwardness between the two that I expected and at the same time, open up all possibilities. I'm looking forward to more interaction between those two.
Oh, and by the way, I like Ron trying to sneak an arm around Hermione's waist and her trying to get out of it. I've always figured her as someone who'd be embarrassed about that kind of stuff in public.
Merlin, I love that part about Padma and Theodore. When the two first interacted, you already hinted very weakly that there could be more about them. This proves my theory and was sooo funny with Padma accidentally stomping on his foot. And it's great how she tries to arrange her day so she won't have to meet him because she's too confused about him. I think she fancies the one who once threw frog hearts at her ;)
On a completely different note, I enjoyed the very last few paragraphs. Is it Alicia still being influenced by having met Angelina and talked about Fred? Or has she always felt that way? In any way, it's a perfect moment to bring in a reminder of the war and put everything into a new perspective.
What an awesome chapter! Report Review
Ah, I would have loved to see that poisonous camel that escaped. :P
Once again, I like this chapter. In the first part, you describe Cho very well. I loved the list of nice moments that broke the monotony of the day, that part was beautiful to read. Genevieve and Tom are, once again, wonderful to read about. The two are so funny and I like how you manage to keep their characters constant throughout your story.
Part two was probably my favourite. Alicia and Angelina were hilarious when they talked about George. I love how you brought the war into it, reminding us that this is only one year after Fred died and how people have moved on but still suffer from it occasionally - just in real life.
The boy talk was very well done, even with the equivalent of a broom closet. Awesome! I just never found out how Alicia knew which of the Weasley twins was better at kissing ;)
When the chapter went on with Hannah and boiling the eggs, my first thought was, 'not again'. Not that I don't like her, but we had a lot of complaining of her in the last chapter so I was afraid that this would be somewhat similar. But no, you managed to surprise me here by choosing a different theme and pushing Hannah's storyline forward. I'm looking forward to find out how the renovation goes!
You know, it's very interesting to read how you portray Hermione her. We only got to know her through Harry who, of course, sees her in a different light than Cho. I like this. I think your characterisation of Hermione is very spot-on. Cho does, of course, see her as the one who always knows everything and does everything right - she's one of the main heroes of the war, after all. But by making Cho discover that Hermione is only human you show how well you understand the former Gryffindor. Also, revising unfair laws is so like her, it made me feel like this was something I'd read in the books. From Cho's point of view, this must have been a very challenging part and you managed it perfectly. :) Report Review
In the beginning, you wrote, "Alicia in spiked silver stilettos, dangly green earrings and bright orange earrings". Is that a typo or is she really wearing two pairs of earrings? The way you write it, it sounds almost like a typo.
Anyway, what a beautiful birthday! You almost made me cry with your description of how Cho was thinking about Cedric. It's true, he was one of the many that died and are so easy to forget. He never found out that the war was about to start, nor did he know that the war is over now and how life went on for his friends and family. That part is so beautifully written! Poor Cho, I felt sorry for her. What a bittersweet birthday, spent with her friends and remembering the one who can't be there.
The bittersweet note was present all over the chapter. Cho thinking about life, about growing up, leaving things behind and discovering new ways. Even Angelina stepping in fitted. The friendship of Alicia and Angelina that is not what it once was, but at the same time the new friends that Alicia made and that are with her now.
Oh, and I loved that part about Cho arguing that she was born in China in the early morning etc. I've been celebrating far too many birthdays abroad and am like that all the time ;)
Once again, a great chapter. I'm still amazed at how you manage to create and keep up the bittersweet atmosphere for such a long time. Report Review
I don't know what it is about this story, but whenever I click the link for it on TGS, I get logged out of HPFF. o.O
Technical problems aside, I'm loving it so far. I read that chapter yesterday evening already until my batterie gave up on me so now I had the pleasure of browsing through it again. It was there that I realised how wonderful you are with your different storylines. All girls have got different lifes that you portray here - just like you did in the first chapter. They got together and now they're apart again, only, I'm sure, to come together again. It feels like threads that are twisted around each other but still exist on their own.
Hanna's storyline surprised me a bit. How hard can it be to work in a bar? I've done the job, I know that at times, it can be awful and I ended up mixing up orders and dropping food and drinks. That's fine but the way you describe it, Hannah does nothing but that. It all felt a bit exaggerated. But besides that, it was a good scene because it gives us an insight into Hannah's character who's such a soft and delicate girl that I love reading about her.
I love how familiar faces keep popping up, names that I've heard and who you're adding more to than what we learned in the books. Penelope Clearwater is a good example, it was hilarious when she swept through the office and remarkable how Alicia got away from her again.
I also enjoyed the reappearance of Theodore Nott. When I first read his name, I thought I had missed something - wasn't he that evil guy from Slytherin? But then, you explain it wonderfully and I was left laughing for the rest of the chapter.
Good job! :)
Ilona Report Review
Ah, once again a great chapter. I just have a tiny bit of criticism here. I'm sorry but I didn't get the first sentence. It sounds beautiful, really, but I still don't understand what it means. Some air is flowing in curls - something to do with smoke? In and out of the flat, and then the colour of honey? In the end, I had come to the conclusion that the flat was on fire... ;) As beautiful as it is right now, maybe you could make that more clear?
Besides that, I once again loved the flow of your story. Everything moves along great, taking me from one scene to the next. Your characters seem more alive than ever. I love how you add little conflicts without emphasizing them too much - Alicia sneaking out of her job earlier, Padma having hexed her sister's ex-boyfriend etc. They are all part of the world you've created here. They make Cho, Padma, Hannah and Alicia feel real and they make the story more interesting. You've got an eye for such details and you're very good at brining them into your story.
The last scene was very nice, too. I wasn't too sure if I understood Cho's reaction when she heard about Hermione changing department, but in the end, you explain it all. Not only that, you also make me curious about the next chapter - which I'm now eager to read. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! And as for that...it's one of my weird descriptions again. It isn't on fire - it's just that yellowy dusk color, haha! The air flowing in curls is just a description of wind falling into your face.
Thank you, though. I really am glad you liked the other sections and characters! And Cho's reaction is so typically Cho. :D Thank you for the reviews, Iloenchen and sorry for how long it's taken me to respond! I absolutely loved reading them!
Hello Celeste! As promised, here's your review.
I like the beginning of this chapter. The first two sentences were great because I knew exactly how Cho felt. I think everybody has had days like that, so everybody can relate to the beginning.
The idea of describing how the three girls take their lunch break was very good! It reminded me a bit of a movie, I've seen some where it was done like that and it works perfectly. You introduce all main characters and make it interesting at the same time. The flow here is wonderful.
And then the three girls meet up for lunch. That left me wondering a bit. Do they return to work afterwards? Or are they lucky enough to have each Tuesday afternoon off? Lucky girls! It seems a bit of a coincidence that none of them has to work that afternoon...
What I really enjoyed was the conversation between Cho, Hannah and Padma. It felt very real. The girls are gossiping and complaining about work and doing what I'd do if I had such a nice lunch break, too. ;)
I think you've written a wonderful first chapter. There are two ways of starting a story - right into the middle of action or beginning slowly. You've chosen the latter here and you're one of the few who can actually make it work. It was so well to read that I almost forgot to review before continuing to the next chapter - it just flows along so nicely. Great job! Report Review
Aw, this is not nice, making me read your story and then breaking it off here, just where I've reached a point where I absolutely wants to know what happens next. So why has Morgaine le Fay called Rowena to her? Who is that half-naked man? How much time will have passed when Rowena returns to her own world? So many open questions that make me curious about the next chapter (which will hopefully come out soon ;) ).
I've found the lake scene a bit strange, the bit where Rowena walks into the water. She walks in and walks in until she's up to her shoulders. Then she takes a deep breath and dives under. But at this point, shouldn't she still be with her feet on the ground? So why is it suddenly gone? Unless, of course, she jumped forward and there was a cliff underwater which would explain why she suddenly lost her footing. That was just something I didn't find very logical.
Besides that, it was once again a great chapter. I loved the scene between Rowena and Godric when they said goodbye to each other, with her wanting to go on and him not knowing how to hold her back. That was so nice to read with so many emotions in between the lines.
And as I've mentioned, I'm curious about the people who live in Avalon. The half-naked guy ties in so well with the story, since he does exactly what Godric would have done had Rowena not disappeared. And the food - Rowena mentioned that you have to be careful with the food in fairy land and now Morgaine said that there's food waiting for her.
I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: hi darling!!
ah questions! I promise they will all be answered in due time!
That part under the water was where she slipped through the gate to Avalon, so for a moment there she had no purchase on the ground. I hope that clears it up a little!
i enjoyed writing that scene - godric has always interested me and it's been fun to write him.
ahh yes, well spotted. food and the fairy realm. we shall see what happens xD
thank you once again hun!!
xx Report Review
I admire your writing style for this story. It fits the epoque where this takes place well and when the characters are talking, it feels as though they've come from the past. English is not my mother language so I'm sure that I'm easy to fool but to me, at least, it sounds perfect for the Founders Era.
The woman with the green eyes again. I find it interesting how she keeps showing up. When Rowena looked at her mirror image, I was almost waiting for the green eyed-woman to come.
I like how you introduce the history of the founders in this chapter and how they met. So far, Salazar seemed a bit left out, as if he didn't fit with the others at all, which made me wonder how he came to be part of the four. This chapter, though, explains it and makes the friendship between them more realistic.
I've been looking long and hard for some constructive criticism to offer you on this chapter but I couldn't find any. It's beautifully written and your characters are amazing. I also liked the introduction of Geoffrey - no long explaining who he is but diving right into the relationship. The short conversation teaches me enough about him.
Great job!Author's Response: wow thank you! getting the dialogue right has been such a worry for me - i didn't want it to seem forced or stiff so i am glad it is coming across as okay.
ah yes, she is rather important!
i wanted to make their relationship something real - i see the founders as very different people who came together for a common aim and found friendship.
thank you so much for yet another wonderful review!! I am so pleased you are enjoying this!
xx Report Review
Hello! Here I am to review your story as promised. This is the first time I'm reading a Founders fic and I like it. It's so much fun to imagine that there was a time when Hogwarts just started out and to realise again that the founders were human, too.
I like the description of the moon in the beginning and also how Rowena went to sleep. Then, however, I was a bit confused. The dream starts out well, with her standing somewhere on the field, but there was so much description in it that I had to read the first paragraph twice until I understood it. Don't ask me why. It was just the first paragraph of the dream, the rest was fine again and I really liked it.
What I absolutely loved was when Rowena was awake, rolled over and someone was standing in her room. You drew me in so well that when I came to that point, I almost forgot to breath. Your writing there is brilliant and since that point, I absolutely wanted to find out who that woman is.
I also like that the woman appears again in the same chapter (it is her, isn't it?). That scene with the boy and the girl is so interesting and intriguing, especially since it ties in with Gryffindor just having told about recruiting children for Hogwarts.
You've done a great job here and you were absolutely right that I needed no prior knowledge of anything. I'm glad I came to read this. :)
IlonaAuthor's Response: Hi hun
thanks for reading! I'm really pleased you're enjoying it so far. Founders has interested me for ages and i've spent a long time thinking about how i could write this era.
ah sorry about the descriptive overload! It was kind of meant to be a little confusing anyway as rowena is confused by her dream.
yep, its the same woman!! i won't say any more about the dreams only that they will all make sense in the end.
thank you so much for taking a look at this hun. I really appreciate it!
Kate xx Report Review
There's a typo somewhere at the beginning:
"It wasn’t alright, Elsa knew. The nightmares were getting worse; most of the time now they had nothing to do with what had happened and everything to do with the fact the feared her own brother." --> "...with the fact THAT SHE feared her own brother."
Now that this is out of the way, I'd like to say that I like the beginning. The nightmare is a great way to pull me into the chapter. Something obviously happened over the summer and you're picking it up here to remind me of it, which increases tension and makes me want to read on.
I do, however, think that Elsa's friends were overreacting a bit when Elsa sneaked out. She just promised that she'd come and get them if she wanted someone to talk. She didn't want to talk, so what's so bad about sneaking out?
I've come to the conclusion that you're awesome at writing scenes that include action - the duel is a great example of that. You've written it so well, it was fast-paced and interesting and I almost stopped breathing. And it was between Dominic and Elsa, which made it even more thrilling. Very well done! (Just a small question: Doesn't the stunning spell usually make it impossible to move for the person who's been hit?)Author's Response: Yup, that would definitely be a typo. Thanks so much for pointing it out.
Writing the duel was probably one of the harder things I have ever tried to write. It wasn't something I normally write, and this was completely experiemental. If I remember correctly, it stuns them temporarily and then they can move.
Thanks so much for the review. Report Review
Go stalk some cute guys. Haha, that would have been so much fun to read about! :P (and quite unrealistic, but I loved that line).
What I liked most about this chapter was the Quidditch match. First of all, I like how you included Madame Hooch as the new teacher. It's a brilliant idea to have her join, after all, she had been around for quite a while when Harry came to Hogwarts so it's quite possible that she started when the Marauders were there.
I also loved your descriptions of the game. Quidditch games are so hard to write and you manage it perfectly. I understood everything, which is rare because when people write about Quidditch, it is often so confusing that I can't follow. Then, you balance your descriptions very well. You don't write about each action but instead sum some of them up which makes it interesting to read and not so long that I'd lose interest. Great job!Author's Response: Yes quite unrealistic but it adds a bit of humour :D
I didn't quite know when Madam Hooch joined the staff at Hogwarts, so I sorta decided she would work best here. For all we know she did start teaching then.
I'm glad you found the Quidditch match both entertaining and not confusing. They are quite hard to write.
Thanks so much for the lovely review. Report Review
Oh Merlin, he almost killed her. I wonder if Dominic was planning for her to die. Probably not, he knew that Flitwick would be able to cast a counter-curse. Not to mention that killing someone in class is not the way to go about it if you don't want to get caught.
This chapter seems to teach a lot about the relationship between the siblings. They really must hate each other if Dominic is willing to harm her. Just imagine how awful this is, suffocating from inside.
I like that Sirius went to the hospital wing with Elsa. It shows how close he is. Where's Cordelia, though? Has she left already, even though Elsa was looking so horrible?
The scene that follows in the hospital wing is very interesting. I like your creativity with the potions. They fit very well into the chapter and feel like they have come straight out of the books. This is how the hospital wing scenes always went in the books. You've written another great chapter! :)
IlonaAuthor's Response: I would imagine he wasn't planning for her to die, knowing Flitwick was there, but that wouldn't have stopped him.
Thanks for enjoying the potions, I sorta of had a hard time deciding what to do with them. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Cordelia knew Sirius was taking care of her and knew that Pomfrey probably wouldn't let too many people in.
Thanks for the lovely review. Report Review
Wet dog. Hahaha, I love that reference. It was my favourite part of this chapter (and so funny to imagine - just think if you smelled a love potion and it smelled like wet dog :P).
It's Elsa who's usually the first one who gets ready in the morning, isn't it? Maybe I'm too tired but I had to read that paragraph twice to understand it.
Anyway, I liked this second chapter. Not only do we get to know more about Elsa here but we also find out about her Ravenclaw friends. And I love that you mention Peter. I hate fics where he's ignored. He can't have been all that bad, but he was different and people must have wondered about him - that's a wonderful detail in this chapter.
Another thing I liked: When Elsa describes Vera and Tabitha, the first thing that comes to her mind is how they help her with homework. This is well done. You mention earlier that they don't usually have breakfast together all four and this emphasizes that they get along well but are not best friends - unlike Elsa and Cordelia. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but it works very well in that context.
The potions class was interesting to read about. Damon seems to be a real idiot here, just leaning back and waiting for Elsa to fix things. I can't wait to find out how Elsa's going to get rid of Damon and what the secret is that Cordelia hid from her friend at the beginning of the chapter. :)Author's Response: I think I'd probably gag. I hate the smell of wet dog. But it added a bit of humour to this chapter. Plus, I can totally see it happening to someone.
I didn't want to leave Peter out. Yes, he isn't a main character, but neither are the marauders. So they aren't often mentioned in the beginning chapters. And Peter does get mentioned he just doesn't have much to say/do with what is going on.
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
I don't think I've ever read any Tom/Minerva stories before. Maybe I should seek them out more often - at least, if all of them are as great as this one.
I love how you play with shadow and light in this one-shot. The descriptions are very beautiful and it's a great theme that you manage to follow up upon for the whole time. That's very well done!
What fascinated me was that Minerva knew what was going to become of Tom and yet, she could not fully resist him. In the books, we just know her as the head of Gryffindor who does of course know what she wants and who'd never be on the wrong side. But I never thought about how she got there and that there must have been more to her. You explore her so well! Great job!Author's Response: As great as this one? O_O Better, they are - much better. Thank you for such an amazing compliment! Oh my gosh, it's wonderful to hear these wonderful things from you! ^_^
I'm glad that you liked the use of shadows and light in this story. It partially plays off of Tom and Minerva's characters - he shadow, and she light - but then there's that switch at the end, how he is able, during his Hogwarts years at least, take on the appearance of light and be that perfect prefect who saved Hogwarts. And Minerva remains in the shadows to protect herself from him and also because she has that potential within her to become one of the shadows, a Death Eater, but she rejects that and never regrets it. The light and shadow are so meaning-filled (as opposed to meaningful) to this story - calling them a theme is exactly how I was hoping readers would see them. :D
Minerva's a very interesting character to examine - I mean, if Dumbledore could have that darker side, then so could she. I know that Pottermore changes this to a large degree, and while I do like what JKR had for Minerva's backstory, I still take too much enjoyment out of writing my own versions of her story. ;) Report Review
I love this. The style works out really well here. I didn't really understand what was going on, but that's not necessary. This is just beautiful to read and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Maybe you could take a look at the spelling again? You often forgot to continue with a capital letter after a full stop. But besides that, I don't have anything to criticise.
I like how you start the story with "A peck is a peck" and pick up that line towards the end again. It rounds up the whole story and makes it feel whole, a great way to tie everything up. Great job! :)Author's Response: Thanks... and I got to be honest, I'm not changing the capital letter-stuff x) It's all meant to be like that, to give some sort of a rambling feeling. I first used comma's, but that was just stupid x) Report Review
Oh, I like this story. The reference to chess is so interesting and everything you included fits with the story. It made me anticipate what would happen because it pointed me in the direction the story was going to take, and at the same time, it didn't spoil too much.
I'm not sure I can really see Draco telling Blaise to look at a shadow, but I think that besides that, you've written the two boys very well. We do not know much about Blaise but we know Draco and I especially loved the beginning where you've showed that you've got such a good grip on his character and that you know exactly how he's feeling during his last year at school.
It would have been nice to know more about the inferi - maybe it would have made the story a bit darker. Or you could have describes the atmosphere differently when that shadow creeps up, do a bit of foreshading to get people into the right mood. But besides that, you did a really amazing job with this. Well done! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm so sorry this reply is months late. I must have missed this right after you reviewed and then I was on a hiatus for a while, so I haven't checked my reviews for quite a long time.
I'm glad you liked the story. I had fun coming up with the chess references and I'm glad that worked. Thanks for the advice too. I don't know if I'll ever do a big edit of this story, but if I ever try to write something darker again it's great to know that I have reviews here to come back to for advice. Horror/dark is not the sort of thing I like to read much, so that's probably why it's hard to write too. I'm glad the characters are in character though as those were new to me at the time too.
Thanks again for the review! :) Report Review
Hello! Here I am to review your story as promised. :)
I absolutely love the beginning of this chapter! It's such a beautiful scene, Elsa telling Sirius that she wants to be buried in a field of wildflowers and it's a very powerful beginning.
Is Elsa sitting with the Marauders in a compartment on the train and they're the ones who ignore her? At first I was sure that was the case, that they were friends for the summer and had nothing to do with each other at school, but then I got confused because James and Sirius seek Elsa out and she says that she's best friends with Sirius.
There's another sentence which confused me: "It was of no surprise when Elsa was found with her nose in a book when she finally found a compartment that wasn’t full. If anything surprised Elsa, it was by who had plunked themselves down in the seat in front of her." I had to read those two sentences a couple of times before I understood them. They're not wrong in a gramatical sense, I think, I just found them very complicated.
Now that this is out of the way, I'd like to tell you how much I loved this first chapter. We get a good view of Elsa here. You've found just the right balance between telling enough and not too much.
I love the dynamics between Elsa and Sirius. It's nice that for once, the main character is not in Gryffindor. There seems to be something special in between them, the scene where they were lying outside and watching the stars was so beautiful!
Also, you made me want to read on. That very first part which I liked so much made me curious why exactly Elsa told Sirius about her wishes for her burial. Plus, I want to meet Dominic and find out how evil he really is. ;)
You've written a very good first chapter. Great job! I need to go now, but I'll definitely continue as soon as I've got another free moment.Author's Response: Iloenchan,
Thanks so much for the lovely review. I'm so glad you enjoyed this first chapter, despite the confusing sentence structure you pointed out.
I love the dynamics between sirius and elsa, which is one of the reasons I started to write this story in the first place. It was something I'd always wanted to do, was to write a realistic sirius/oc fic, and this is what came of that.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and review it. You're a doll! Report Review
I love the image of dead flies on the window sill. It fits so well with the atmosphere! Once again, I think that you've written Snape very well. I understand that he's upset, after all, he just risked his life for Lily and she thanks him by accusing him of wanting to turn her in. Who knows what he imagined, deep down he surely knew what was going to happen but it's still different to experience it. In any case, I think that was a very strong scene.
"She would keep Harry safe for now, watch and wait. If she had been thinking clearly, she should have killed him and fled with her baby. If Severus really were telling the truth, it was safer here than out on their own." I didn't really understand this paragraph, I had to read it a couple of times before I did. The last two sentence don't seem to fit together, with her first saying that she should have killed Snape and then that she was safer with him than elsewhere. Those are opposites but when I first read them, I was expecting them to mean the same and got really confused (maybe a 'but' would help?).
Also, didn't Snape take the Dark Mark before he offered to help Dumbledore? Or is that just me being confused?
Anyway, I once again liked this chapter - I always love reading about Dumbledore. And you write the Order members so well, it's amazing how all their different personalities manage to shine through in such a short scene.Author's Response: Thank you! I really appreciate your pointing out some of the places where there are weaknesses in the flow of information -- it helps me to have a new perspective. Some of these are things I have been wondering about but haven't been sure how to fix, particularly Lily's thought that you quoted.
In my AU timeline, Snape did take the Dark Mark before agreeing to help Dumbledore, so I think I need to make a correction there.
I appreciate your careful reading and hope you continue to enjoy the story :) Report Review
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