Reading Reviews From Member: elyaeru
  
14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by elyaeruBroken Halo: Prologue: The Pride

17th February 2008:
A really immense start -- you've set it up in an intriguing way.

I'm looking forward to the next chapters.

Author's Response: Thanks!

-Kat


 Report Review

Review #2, by elyaeruTwelve Years.: Into the unknown...

2nd November 2007:
There's one big problem I can see, before I even start reading your story ... "graduation".

*shakes head*

This is one my biggest pet-peeves, but I'll spare you my lecture, and round it up to — in Britain, we only graduate at degree level. And within the Potterverse, it screams "AMERICANISM!" and makes me want to highlight it in red pen.

I'll move on to chapter one.

An interesting start, I've just found one nit-picky error. You requested specifically for a beta-like review so here I go:

"but at the same time I feel like the eleven-year old Harry who has just entered the magic world."

No. If I'm correct to assume that this is Harry, then he wouldn't be talking from first-person to third. I'd rewrite it so it reads something like "but at the same time, I feel like I'm eleven again." and that'd be it.

I don't dig Harry as a writing-in-my-notebook sort of guy, mainly because from the canon, I'm given horrendous amounts of evidence that he isn't a very "feeling" person. Ignoring my personal view on this, I think the second lot of information ("maybe everyone else is ...") could be developed a lot more from what you already have. I don't think Harry would be the one to write "I love her so much" either, in regards to Ginny. I might water it down a little, or leave vague hints.

"Looking forward to the future, he knew that he would be happy.
And he went to sleep with that thought on his mind."

New paragraph or the same? New paragraphs should generally start with indents, but in the case of the computer — new two lines.

I'd suggest: "He was looking forward to the future, for he knew that he'd be happy. [...] He went to sleep with that though on his mind" where [...] indicates some sort of detail to develop the paragraph more.

For the part after the divider, some more description could be added. Perhaps you could add more sensory feelings. What does Harry smell? Hear? Feel? (tick) et cetera.

I wouldn't be quick to assume that he's in the middle of a deserted street, mainly because he's just woken up and he doesn't know yet. You write in fragments, and these fragments, although they do well in certain writing styles, don't make much of an impact in this story. I'd consider merging some of these to build up sentences. :)

I'd suggest putting "wand" in italics (or however you indicate thought) to represent that Harry's thinking about it.

- "trash" should be "rubbish". Trash is an Americanism.
- "to his right [util] he reached" should be "until".
- In regards to the building and familiarity, "but" is a wrong conjunction to use. I'm sure Harry has seen buildings in worse states before.

Nice attempt at description, but I think you could develop this so much more! Instead of talking in passive voice, why don't you describe (in order) what Harry's seeing? What colour is the paint? How big is the garden? What does the garden look like? Do you mean "weed" in the drug sense or "weeds" in the plant sense?

Eek. More spelling errors.

"Then Harry [aproached]" should be approached, please.

"Confusion.Fear. Anger. Disbelief."

Spaces after punctuation marks; this should read: "Confusion. Fear. Anger. Disbelief."

- "didin't" should read "didn't"
- prescence --> presence
- paralized --> paralysed

There should be a comma after the girl's calling of Harry.

And wow at her speech! It's a little monotonous right now, though, perhaps some dialogue tagging and splitting up of the speech could fare well. You need to build up the tension and suspense. Remember, this is written in Harry's POV.

Disapparated is also capitalised, ellipses are three dots and it'd be nice if a space followed after.

The main problems of this fic so far:
- Little description;
- Fragments;
- Spelling errors that can easily be fixed;
- Lack of tension.

Do you write straight to HPFF? That's the only reason I can note for the odd formatting and spelling errors. If so, I highly recommend you to stop and start writing in a text editor (eg., Word, OpenOffice &c.) where spell checking comes in handy. I also recommend you to scour the fandom for a beta reader; honestly, these people are very nifty! I've only picked up about a third of what I'd usually do if I was beta reading in this review. :3

Good luck. I hope this review is somewhat useful. :)

Author's Response: wow, thanks so much for this, I've already corrected most of the things you told me. But yes, you are right a beta would be great, I already posted the request on the forums.I'm sorry bout the Americanism but I'm Mexican so I live in the shadow of USA so sorry about that I know HP is English....well this was one of the most useful reviews ever so thanks again!

 Report Review

Review #3, by elyaeruSilence: Silence

11th October 2007:
Hi, elyaeru here from the thread. :)

I know this is a fully dialogue entry — so feel free to ignore some of my comments. I'm not exactly sure what the challenge was either; the requirements and the rest haven't been checked out, as it were.

I'm going to be correcting some technical errors in this fic, so if you want to submit it to another archive or post it on a personal website (I know how long and tedious validating on HPFF can get) then you can fix the mistakes.

Nice introductory dialogue. I like how you have brought us in during the "middle" of an obviously heated conversation.

I can't help but think the second part is really confusing though; it befuddled me to the point where I had to re-read it several times to understand it.

“’Cissa, that boy is nothing to be proud of before he has completed his task.”

I think it might be somewhat better if it read:

"'Cissa, there is nothing to be proud of that boy. Until he has completed his task, however."

... perhaps? To make it make more sense and give it some more character to Lucius's speech. If that's not the right characterisation you were going for (I'm doing a run-on review :P) then I apologise. That's just the tone of voice I get from him, though!

"“He will[,] I know he will. The task will be completed, I have made sure it will.”"

The bracketed comma isn't really needed. Although it'll probably get skipped over by the general reader, being rather pedantic today (lucky you) I don't think it's needed. It's a bit comma-splice-y.

"“I fear Draco might not have the strength to do as the Dark Lord wishes. And if he can’t[,] I certainly hope I’ll be there to shield him from the wrath of our master by doing the job Draco failed. “"

Ooh, I see some loving Lucius there! Nice job. I added a comma to break up some of the sentence.

"“That boy only gives me reason to fear the worst possible result.”"

But we kind of get back to cold!Lucius in this part. :(

I understand that this is a fully dialogue challenge, but when I saw this paragraph of text I got a little befuddled. My corrections/suggestions for this:

"The blonde woman gently stroked the picture[ ]frame that contained the picture of her only son[:] a handsome young man who looked [very much] like his father, the man sitting opposite her in the posh[*] living room of Malfoy Manor."

Picture frame is two words.

If you read back on that and your original one, then you'll notice some of the things I've omitted and added. The asterisk is basically ... I know, I know, fully dialogue but "posh" just doesn't cut it for me. It would be rather nice if you could add something other than "posh" as it somewhat seems too colloqial for this type of fic.

Perhaps you could touch upon the wallpaper, fireplace, furniture, persian carpets et cetera. I'm not asking you for an entire paragraph describing the room in detail because (a) that gets boring and (b) it's a dialogue challenge.

Moving on.

I am really confused by this:

"The ‘thud’ of the pictureframe was the only sound to break the solemn silence there was so characteristic for the place. "

I think you might be missing a conjunction in between "silence" and "there".

"With an almost undetectable sigh[,] the woman sat down again, her weigh[t] barely leaving a mark on the cream couch beneath her."

Comma! And weight, I think, is the word you were looking for. :) Again, I think "couch" seems too colloquial. Are you from the North? Just out of curiosity ... anyway, I'd suggest picking out more sophisticated synonyms, such as: "sofa" or "seat". Then again, they're not very sophisticated.

"“Have a little faith in your son[,] Lucius.”"

Comma.

Cold hearted is two words OR hyphenated. (cold-hearted)

Again, rather confused at alternating characterisations of loving!Lucius and cold!Lucius.

"“Only enough to speak with sadness of the lot I’ve lost already.”"

This is either intentional or not ... but the "of the lot I've lost already" sounds really strange from this Narcissa that seems to speak — almost — metaphorically and with hardly any contractions. Again, too colloquial. If intentional.

Amidst the errors that I've pointed out though (and I am sorry if the tone of this review screams "I hate your fic!") I have to give you a big thumbs up for the correct usage of "blond" in Lucius's context. :| That's one of the biggest errors I see ... ever.

"Never during their conversation did the blond man lift his gaze from the letters he was reading[,] or change the almost emotionless tone [in] his voice. Only the occasional condescending note broke the evenness of [his voice]. She had known him too long to notice by now[, though]."


I PMed the full review on the boards. This exceeded the 6000 character limit.

Author's Response: This is defintely the longest and probably also one of the most useful reviews I've gotten, I'm very glad you took the time to do this for me.
I'll take a close look at my story and change all the little errors that has snuck in, it'll probably improve it a lot.
Thank you so, so, so much for this!


 Report Review

Review #4, by elyaeruInto the Madness: Infested Dreams

4th October 2007:
Teddy, FOR THE WIN.

And I hope you give Teddy big hugs in later chapters!

Victoire We[a]sley. :)

During this bit: "“I thought you never would. I was about to run and get a Healer. You’ve been unconscious for almost two hours.”"

I'm not sure but I think two hours is a little "too long", then again I've never been in the position with one who's unconscious.

Ah, sorry for the immensely short review — but in my defence, you, yourself, did say that is chapter is a little slower. :P

*hugs to Teddy and Luna*

 Report Review

Review #5, by elyaeruInto the Madness: Wicked Games

4th October 2007:
"They were immune to it all – oblivious to what was going on around them. Didn’t they see that the very world that they knew was being torn apart from the inside out? Didn’t they know that it was practically a means to an end?"

You know, there's a Winnie The Pooh episode where the owl (oh my lord, my mother would be so ashamed of me) is telling a story and he's in his little thingy and the weather is absolutely terrible and stuff. Lightning! Darkness. Yeah, that kind of weather.

Aw man, is Draco evil? :( Or is Hermione referencing to a totally different person? Dang, true Gryffindor though! Brave and courageous to the end.

I am very curious as to how Hermione has a gist of Draco's (OK, I'm going to be seeing it as him until it says otherwise) plans or well, knows it? Hm! Lovely descriptions, by the way. And is Hermione wearing shoes, no? o_O

I see it's a Draco/Hermione fic, though, I do hope that this isn't a lust-based fic. The paragraphs detailing Hermione's love for Ron and her children are done, but I suppose it would be highly unrealistic if she just switched off the tap.

"She was in this alone till the end or until Death called her home."

Ooo.

Note: "Mudblood" (along with Muggle and Muggle-born) is always capitalised. :)

And another one of my dialogue tag peeves is 'purring' :( I can only ever stand Pansy purring, but it depends on her characterisation ... OK, but feel free to ignore that, because like my last review: I am a grouchy woman who has not yet had her coffee. And picky.

Nice portrayal of Hermione's conflicting emotions and her "this is for Ron and the kids" feelings. I hope Draco sticks to his words about keeping her family safe. :( I'm a D/Hr shipper but from what I'm reading now, it would be adorable if everything got tied up nicely at the end and Ron forgave Hermione and they ended up together.

Err. I think that was slightly blasphemous, even for me. :( Moving on.

Oh my! Is it that dreaded virus? :(

She-devil ... haha. That amused me. :P

"It would take will and intelligence to defeat him at his own game."

Hermione ticks both!

Hm, my general opinion on this chapter: I think it's nice — a nice change from the constant changing POVs in chapter 1. I'm not so sure on whether Draco really is a good/bad guy but right now I'm not really liking his characterisation that much.

Then again, I read far too much romance fics in which Draco is lovely.

Third chapter.



 Report Review

Review #6, by elyaeruInto the Madness: Swirl of Madness

2nd October 2007:
Hi there,

This is a run-through review, so I hope it isn't too awkward — I'm reviewing as I'm reading (the joys of having a wide screen!) so everything should be in chronological order.

Hope this review is useful somehow!

Ooh, interesting start to the fic — immediately you have me interested and wanting to know more, which is, of course, always a good thing.

I like how you've kept this Harry quite "in character". At least, how I portray him in canon as a parent (or godfather, I suppose) is like this.

Hm, my only problem (and this is quite a personal one, so feel free not to take so seriously) is that I imagine girls and young boys to scream, but never men/male teens. I just have an image of high-pitched screaming coming out from a normally low-voiced male ...

Nice introduction of this unknown female character — am very curious now. I think the lyrics (I think) are a little distracting, but that's just me ... oh dear, I hope this isn't actually a songfic I'm reviewing, or I'm really going to seem like an arse. :S

Moving on,

"Over the course of love, love became a screen. For Ron, she knew that love would always blind him. It would never allow him to see her for who she really was. There was only one who knew it now, only one that understood what she was becoming."

I thought that stunning and beautiful.

But over-shadowed due to the "Mom" that popped up after! "Mom" is an Americanism, and as these characters are namely British, it should be "Mum". That is, unless, your fic is set in America in which I suppose I could forgive you ... haha, but um, yeah, no mention of America yet, so I'll stick to my Britpicking. "Mom" is one of my biggest pet peeves so I apologise if that was kind of harsh!

Aww, Neville! Why does everything bad have to happen to Neville? :( He must have done something incredibly bad in a past life or something ... I do like his new found confidence (if I can call it that) with "Tell me I can take my wife home." The imagery that I'm having with that makes me want to hug him.

Ah, again, you characterise Harry wonderfully. I like how he still has his hero-complex going on — good stuff. This "new" side of Teddy (from the opening paragraph) is adorable, by the way.

Oo. Scorpius.

I'll admit I haven't exactly been doing a thorough grammar check; but this just stood out to me after a couple of read throughs:

"Those eyes, he would never forget who’s they were."

It should be "whose" instead of "who's".

:O Didn't think it would have been Luna, I was thinking it might have been an original character. However, good job! I like the use of canon characters, and you've chose the fabulous eccentric one. I don't like OCs that much. I hope Luna really is OK.

Again, "mommy" should be "mummy" and I suppose all these people are connected together by fate. Oh, that was really stupid, wasn't it? :S

Hm, wondering now whether Teddy should be the one at St Mungo's ... or is that me just being kind of, you know, not believing?

"Teddy’s voice was shaky, filled with fright. “Before everyone I love is lost.”"

I hope he doesn't love Draco, because, that's the only character I'm interested in.

Kidding.

But really. :P

Okay, Neville, ftw. Seriously. You're pretty good at characterisations, you know. I hope you're good at character development, too, but from what I've read I'm not doubting your skills!

Oh, damn, who's He? I keep thinking it's God or something because of the capitalisations. :(

Hm, I always knew viruses were bad. Even if they did look pretty funky on my Science diagrams. But um, yes, I have always known viruses are bad! Virus = bad. Very bad.

... God, I need more coffee.

Oh holy crap! It's Draco! *squeals* ... or not, you know, if he's making everyone go a little woo-woo and crap. I hope you nail his characterisation spot on. Or well, you know, nail it so I can read it and be all "Yeah, there's my man" instead of "Eek. No! Stop! I don't like you any more!"

OK, and now that I've got down to the last paragraphs ... yes, elyaeru, it was a songfic. Thank Jessi_Rose because it is they who challenged FCP not to write an OC and er, yes.

Right, I'll just write this last bit, top up on my coffee and bookmark chapter two for another review. I sincerely hope my sanity is not being questioned after this review; that would be bad.

I thought this chapter was really good; minus some of the quirks I found (OK, mainly the "mom" and screaming thing) it did everything to interest me and slowly reel me in. It's kind of like my archive material! I kind of wish I could write stuff like this so I could put it in there.

Anyway, yes, good! 9/10 because of the "mom" and screaming thing. The 9 out of 10 because this was pretty enticing and very, err, grip-worthy. Or gripping. Actually, I think I've already wrote that in this review, but I'm not sure ...

 Report Review

Review #7, by elyaeruParenthood: Parenthood

2nd October 2007:
How beautiful!

I like the way you conveyed each "part" of the child's life and how you portrayed the relationship with parent and child; it did make me wonder who was who though! ;) Perhaps some clues foreshadowing at the beginning might be nice to have.

You did have a few grammar errors here and there, the one sticking out to me most was:

"small Childs bed in the opposite corner. “You’re grandma said you were sleeping,” the man says to his three year old son."

It should read:

"small [child's] bed in the opposite corner. “You[r] grandma said you were sleeping,” the man says to his three year old son."

And the odd "mom" should be "mum" if you wanted to keep it British and "canon".

Lovely fic, though.

Good luck with writing to the future. :D

Author's Response: Thanks
Grung


 Report Review

Review #8, by elyaeruIndulgence: Indulgence

27th August 2007:
Oh, this was wonderfully done. :)

I always see Ginny as a plump/normal-figured person so I thought this was quite amusing. :D

Author's Response: "Oh, this was wonderfully done. :)"

Thanks so much! :-)

"I always see Ginny as a plump/normal-figured person..."

Me too! With Molly as her mother, I'm sure Ginny grew up to be comfortable with whatever curves she had inherited. ;-P


 Report Review

Review #9, by elyaeru The Imperiused Wedding: "True"Love

18th August 2007:
elyaeru from the forums here. :)

I'm going to do an on-going review ... so I hope you don't mind.

Firstly, have you tried getting a beta reader? They're invaluable for catching mistakes and giving you, the author, lots of tips and suggestions on how to make your story better for you and the reader. I can skim a few grammar errors here and there, already. :( And even though they may be minor, they ruin -- at least for me -- the flow of the story. Which from the summary sounds great, by the way!

From the start, King's Cross should be capitalised (note 'Cross') and I think it would be read better as 'seventh' instead of '7th' and of course the slight comma error in the first sentence.

I don't think it's particularly necessary to have 'Last Night's Memory' and 'End Of Memory' because -- to the educated reader -- we'll understand that this is 'last night's memory' straight on from in the introductory sentence and the italics.

Errors spotted:

- 'young Mr.[ ]Draco Malfoy'
- '[O]rder of the [P]hoenix
- '[three] of them in your school.' (no space; two spaces after a sentence, one after punctuation)
- ... 'the only one that can bring it to me[,]' cackled' ... or leave the period in there and capitalise 'he' so it reads 'He cackled his high pitched laugh and [then] proceeded taunting Draco'

I won't do all a combthrough all of the grammar issues, mainly because this is a review and not a beta piece. Heh. Must attempt to remind myself of that.

You should use 'blond' instead of 'blonde' if you're talking about the Malfoy's, as they're males (exception of Narcissa, of course). 'Blond' is used for males, and 'blonde' for females.

Also, 'mudblooded' is, in fact, capitalised: 'Mudblooded'.

"As Lucius was telling his son the plan , on the train, already seated Hermione stared right at the Malfoys. " I wasn't really sure on this sentence. Is Lucius on the train with him? Or is Hermione already sat down?

I think this is where you start to fall down; or I'm too cynical with these 'Hermione gets gorgeous over the summer' fics. But despite my hatred for that, it's a common cliche people use to simply make Draco fall head over heels in lust with her and it's a shortcut I, in the future, encourage you not to take. :(

Despite that, however, I have to note that it's rare for a British girl to wear flip flops as 'outdoor' wear and even rarer still to wear the brand 'Hollister'.

Nice non-Mary Sue moment there though, when you mention Hermione trying her hardest not to blush.

It's also un-British to use 'date' unless you're taking about an uncoming 'date'. In this case, I think Draco would say something a long the lines of 'You want me to go seduce Granger?' or -- because that sounds a little awkward -- 'You want me to go out with her?'

Again, I don't think it's necessary for the 'meanwhile back in the other compartment'. If you can write the transition, you're a good author and it shows a lot about your skill. Either that, or you could use a story divider.

I think it's pretty out of character for Draco to jump straight in the game; or even think that Hermione would outright say 'yes'. Taking in mind their history and his prejudiced views, and thus her prejudiced views against him. Also, if he was going to ask her out like that, I don't think he'd be stuttering. But calm and sophisticated.

But this is your story.

I think I might end it here, because I really am treating this as a beta piece and reviewing it quite roughly. So, please don't take this the wrong way! I honestly do think this fic has the potential, but I don't think you're going the right way about it.

And even though I focused on -- mainly -- the bad points, doesn't mean your fic doesn't have any good points. :)

Primarily, your problem lies within characterisation and grammar/spelling/canon terms -- to which I'd heavily, heavily recommend a beta reader (check the HPFF forums or check out http://www.perfectimagination.co.uk).

Hopefully, this is helpful ... :) Feel free to PM me on the forums if you want to question this.

Author's Response: kinda harsh at some points but ill take ur advice but not everyone is gonna be perfect in writing a story they have only just begun . ill try to get a beta but i really don't like for people to tell me that it doesnt meet their standards. thanx for reviewing!!

 Report Review

Review #10, by elyaeruLily Evans and the Forgotten Tower: First Year: Pillars, Pumpkin Pasties, and Pure-Bloods, oh my!

8th August 2007:
Heh, I liked that little bit with Sirus' mother. :)

Just one thing: Muggles, Muggle-born (and hell, Mudblood) are all capitalised. :)

Author's Response: oooh, sorry about that mistake! Glad you liked it! Thanks so much for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #11, by elyaeruPlaying with Fire: Prologue - Of Rings and Diamond Things

6th August 2007:
You have three types of fanfiction here. You have some that, simply, aren't that good; you have some that are really mind blowing (although I haven't actually found any like that yet!) and you have some in between.

This is well on its way to become mind blowing! Excellent first chapter. I really liked it.

Author's Response: Oh thank you so much *blushes* I really like the idea of the fan fic and am so greatful that there are other people out ther who feel the. Your lovely comments are really appreciated, so i thank you =]

 Report Review

Review #12, by elyaeruCooking Class With Your Best Mate: Chicken Caesar Salad Sandwiches

5th August 2007:
Heh, nice introduction. I like how Muggle cooking was incorporated for our favourite wizards.

Problem: 'asses'. British people don't say 'asses'. Variant would be 'arses' :P

Nice capture of Sirius's immaturity -- I never quite see that in MWPP fics anymore. And I'm happy to see a MWPP that flows nicely. I rarely see that, too. :-/

Your story's nice, funny and different. I liked it. :) Good job.

Author's Response: Glad you liked it!

Oh, thanks for pointing that out! I will definitely correct that soon.


 Report Review

Review #13, by elyaeruMea Maxima Culpa: Chapter I: Encounters

4th August 2007:
Engaging introductory paragraph, I like it. I enjoy your writing style; I could find myself submersed in that fic, actually. Imagining the breeze and the picture in my head of it is very clear. I like the parallel between the weather and his conflicting emotions. Good simile.

I noticed you have a few grammar errors dotted here and there, but the quality of the writing actually swallows that up so it can read well anyway.

The characterisation of Mr and Mrs Black and Bellatrix are both quite nice. Interesting to see you 'introduce' Rodolphus, too. I've never actually read a fic where he was mentioned as I expected him to be.

Indeed, a very evocative account -- I enjoyed it a lot. :)

Author's Response: First things first, thank you for reading and reviewing ^^ It truly was a pleasant surprise to log in and find un-requested review for this piece; I've always thought it's bit off from the mainstream to actually attract serious readers :P

I'm very glad to hear you enjoyed my style and description. Though, as I've pointed out in my other author responses, I'm bit baffled to get so much positive feedback on the descriptions...Personally I think that's my worst quality as a writer, but I suppose I've progressed over the years ;)

Agh, the grammar errors...Being a non-native English speaker myself I know there's bound to be some errors, so I really should get this piece Betaed sooner or later (preferably sooner), but it was great to hear you felt that the errors didn't actually bother the reading expirience that much ;).

I had fun writing Mr. & Mrs. Black, especially Orion, I have a nagging feeling I've gone bit too far with Walburga, I'm actually still thinking about editing her a bit. What it comes to Rodolphus, I feel that the Lestrange brothers are horribly underused characters and really wanted to include them in the story...

Thanks again for reading and reviewing ^^ Your review made my day, and I'm actually planning to add this story to your Archive ;)


 Report Review

Review #14, by elyaeruBuy Me Love: Candlelight Disaster

6th July 2007:
Except for the Americanism I found in there - this chapter was very funny and cute. I loved it. :D

Author's Response: Thanks hun! I didn't know you had an account on here. ^_^

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login