Hiya ! You requested for me to review your story, so here I am. Okay, first of all, I apologize that I am only going to read and review this story, but how much I want to help you in reading and reviewing the other two stories, I can't because I don't really have the time for reviewing stories now as I'm currently concentrating on writing both my stories but I do check my review thread everyday and try to get them reviewed. I hope you don't mind !! =]
Truthfully, I pretty much enjoyed this amazing one-shot ! This is actually my first time reading a story based on Neville's POV, and yet, I have to say that this is a very good one !
Your writing style is really good, making this story have some potential. You added a lot of descriptions everywhere, which were overall very good and you deserve a 10/10 on the descriptions. A rather short one-shot, though, but nevertheless, it was good.
There were tons of elements of humor in this story and I loved reading it ! I actually laughed out aloud (not to mention my sister calling me crazy !) and it was really funny the way you wrote Neville's hilarious thoughts and also about his family ! I loved the last line, it was just too hilarious !
Neville was definitely in character. Not surprising for him to stammer and tremble, so I think you have no problems on characterizations and descriptions.
There's a lil' something I'd like to comment on. Nothing big, don't worry. I do tend to point everything that I think needs some improvement or so as I'm a beta reader, so you do know that we betas are pretty much like this ! =]
“There are painters that can change the sun into a yellow blot, but there are others, that due to their talent and intelligence can change a yellow blot into the sun.”
Okay, this is some quote or something, isn't it ? I would prefer if you italic it as I was rather confused when I started reading. It was even more confusing when I saw the words Pablo Picasso and I even considered OWL-ing you straightaway to ask you whether this person has something to do with the story ! Lucky me, I understood what you were trying to say, so to prevent anyone to be turning up like me, I suggest that you italic it. Merely a suggestion, really !
Overall, a great one shot. Going to my favourites ! That's big, you know, since its coming from me as I rarely add stories to my favourites unless I think its rather good !! ;DAuthor's Response: Awww, thank you for your amazing review!! I'm sorry about the quote making you confused, I'll go fix it, I just love putting quotes at the beginning of my stories! It's perfectly okay that you are just reviewing this story, I just couldn't pick between my stories to ask for reviews. Again thank you so much! It makes my day knowing someone liked my story! Report Review
Hiya ! You requested for me to review your story so here I am ! =]
Okay, I thought that this was a rather good one-shot. Your writing style is good, making this story has some potential. The descriptions were very lovely and everything was described well.
I must say, this is a very slow moving story. I know that this story takes place all in just a day but really, maybe you could edit it to make it more eventful rather than just saying Harry woke up, ate breakfast and you even described the cereal ! LOL ! The mood of the story was rather okay, and definitely, I could tell the ending by just looking at the title of this one-shot.
There were so far no grammatical errors except a few punctuation errors here and there, but nothing bad, so that's good.
Overall, a great one-shot !
P.S. Sorry this review is really short. You didn't have any grammatical errors so I didn't have to point out anything else. Normally, my reviews are very long ! Report Review
Hello ! You requested for me to review your story, so here I am ! =]
First of all, I love your title, LOL. Okay, I'll start the actual review. This chapter is a very promising first start, and its nice that you actually started the story by telling your readers what basically the plotline is et cetera. After all, this is a prologue, so a definitely great start !
Okay, I'd like to just warn you about something. I'm a beta-reader, so I tend to point out everything that needs to be improved and since I expertise in all areas, so I apologize first if I'm giving you constructive critism ! Hey, look on the bright side, I'm helping you improve your story ! ;D
You bolded the words 1 hour later and also downstairs in the study, so I would suggest that you also bold the word prologue. It was rather weird that you didn't bold it and suddenly, later on in the chapter, you bolded two phrases. I must say, you're bolding the important words, telling us readers when and where a situation is happening, and prologue happens to be an important word, so you should bold it.
About your little author's note at the bottom, I suggest you make a line above your author's note and before starting your author's note, write in bold these words : A/N. That way, us readers will know what you are talking about. I was quite confused when I was reading and then all of sudden, I see an author's note. By writing the word A/N, you'll definitely clear some confusion, or maybe for me anyway.
Your writing style is pretty good, making this story has some potential. I couldn't spot any grammar-related errors, but I'll definitely read it again because I'm actually supposed to be somewhere else now LOL, so I'm just reading the story and not paying much attention to the grammar-related errors because I'm in a rush.
Overall, a great start. Keep the good work up !
P.S. I'll BRB ! I'm very free today, so I'll finish reviewing your story in just an hour or two. I'm doing many things at once, like beta-reading et cetera, but at least you'll have your reviews ! ;D
Hiya ! You requested for me to review your story, so here I am. First of all, since you story is a one-shot, I decided to review it first as I always review short stories or one-shots first. =]
Okay, about your story. It's the best one-shot I've ever written !! Truly amazing one, that is. This plot is definitely something I've never read before on HPFF, and I'm glad the first one I read is also the best one ! Well, unless a new best one comes along, but I seriously think this would be the best one shot I've ever read. A very original story !
It was rather interesting for you to put Lily as Hedwig, and you really wrote the story really well ! A story written in an owl's perspective is really interesting, and this one really caught my eye.
The descriptions were really well written, and your writing style is brilliant. You put in much effort for this one-shot, and it really turned out to be a great one !
There was a jingle of a bell and I turned my head to see a very large form step inside the door to the sho- Rubeus Hagrid.
There was just a tiny grammatical error here, so if you edit the sentence, it would turn out like this :
There was a jingle of a bell and I turned my head to see a very large form step inside the door to the shop - Rubeus Hagrid.
The ending was quite unexpected for someone like me who was too hooked to the story and it really made me gasp in shock when I saw the words Lily Potter . I'm definitely adding this story to my favourites !
Overall, a great one-shot !! 10/10 !Author's Response: wow! thats one heck of a review! lol.
i think you meant to say read instead of written and I'm really really happy that you liked it. =D
I really don't know where the plot bunny for this story came from, i was just lying in bed.
Yea it took a lot of editing to make it what it is now.
Thanks for pointing that mistake out. =D
I'm really really over-the-moon with such a lovely review, and thank you for writing it.
*smiles*. Report Review
Hello ! I'm back to reviewing your story again, though maybe I'll just review 2 chapters or so as I am going to dash off to study Art Education.
Well, I certainly loved this chapter too ! In fact, I love all the chapters ! I'm pretty sure that the rest of the chapters will be a definitely great one as you were proving it to me the way you were writing the previous eight chapters.
I wasn't quite pleased with the starting of the chapter as already in the first sentence of the chapter, there is just a slight error ! XD ! Okay, I'm not sure if everyone else reviews the same way as me because I am very particular about my writing, as well as other people's writing, so even though its just a tiny mistake, I'm still very particular on that ! :D
“Elyssa, Wait up!”
Well, there's the mistake. The letter 'W' in the word wait should be a capital letter. Seriously, I'm hating myself for pointing out so many erm, like, unimportant stuffs, but yeah, basically that's really important to me ! =]
Now, I'd like to say something about Elyssa's really short conversation with the "stern-looking lady", who is no doubt the school librarian.
“Where is Professor McShane’s classroom?”
“North Tower. You’d better start running if you want to make it.”
You see, you wrote it as Elyssa asking the librarian where Professor McShane's classroom was. And in return, Elyssa was given the answer North Tower. Elyssa did not say that she was having a class with Professor McShane at that time, so it would be very wrong if the school librarian says that Elyssa should be running if she wanted to make it on time to McShane's class. You do get it, don't you ? LOL, I'm really bad at explaining stuff to people the way I want them to know it, so I'm really sorry ! =]
It's rather interesting to involve an Elementals class and this is the very first story I've came across with Elementals class as one of those taught at Hogwarts ! A very original idea, I loved it !
Great chapter and keep the awesome work up !! :D
Author's Response: HAHAH! Wow... Thanks for spotting that. I don't know, I kind of assumed that if she was asking about where the classroom was, the teacher would think that she would have the class next.
Thanks! Report Review
Haha ! This chapter had loads of elements of humor added ! Great job with this one ! I'm pretty pleased with this chapter as mostly everything was okay, but still, there are stuff to be commented on. =]
“So,” she said, trying to catch her breath, “did Dean tell you what happened?”
The letter 'D' in the word did should be a capital. There were times when you were supposed to write a capital but instead you wrote a small letter and vice versa LOL ! XD ! Gosh, I feel so high now too after reading this chapter. It was just too hilarious !
Bombastic words like agog were used in this chapter, and that was also something that I love about the chapter. I really love reading stories, or rather chapters, that has bombastic words because you can learn the words you haven't heard of before ! :D
“Dunno.” Elyssa replied.
It should be a comma instead of a fullstop. If you are still determined to have a comma there, the sentence should be like this :
Elyssa replied, "Dunno."
or if you want to change it, it'll be like this :
"Dunno," Elyssa replied.
Very typical of Parkinson to say stay away from my Draco and her characterization was perfect here. Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs will call the Slytherins by their last names, so Seamus should call Pansy as Parkinson.
The sentence is :
“Nice one!” Seamus said as he read it. “My guess is Pansy wrote that one for you. Just point and shoot for the girl hanging over Malfoy.”
The Seamus that we know in the Order of The Phoenix book is a very hot-tempered one, and if you are trying to keep your characters to be canon, Seamus would definitely call her Parkinson.
About the sentence below :
Elyssa pointed her wand and said ‘Wingardium Leviosa’, and sent it back to the girl in the back of the room. Pansy gave a bloodcurdling scream as she read it and tried to throw herself at Elyssa, but ended up not making it over the desk.
You mentioned that Parkinson was sitting at the back of the room , but then after that you said that Parkinson tried to throw herself at Elyssa. If Parkinson was sitting at the back of the room, she couldn't have been behind Elyssa or something and straightaway throw her self at Elyssa. You should mention that maybe she walked to the front of the classroom then only threw herself at Elyssa.
Well, that's about it. Great and also hilarious chapter !! :D
*the best chapter i've read so far for this story !*
P.S. Oh, just in case you didn't know, I've already added the story to my favourites !! :D
Author's Response: WOOOOO!!! Thanks SO MUCH so far for your criticism! I'm so glad that you enjoy the story!! ^_^
P.S. No worries on the grammatical errors and stuff. Report Review
I'm too hooked to the story, and I'm already reviewing Chapter 7 ! I might review until Chapter 10 today, or if possible, until Chapter 16. I'll continue reviewing later as I'm going out for dinner soon, so yeah.
The story progresses slowly and I'm pleased that the length of this chapter is long ! Neville and Draco's characterizations here in this chapter was absolutely brilliant ! The way Draco spoke was definitely like we know him in the books !
Neville's characterization was great too as we all know that he would be scared of Draco et cetera, but I think you should change this sentence below.
“S-sorry…” Neville said quietly and walked away.
Neville would definitely stammer to Draco and then walk away, so if you change the sentence, it should turn out like this :
“S-sorry…” Neville stammered and walked away.
Neville would walk away quickly in case he'd be hexed by Draco or something, but I think Draco would say something like this :
"Get back here, Longbottom ! No one walks away when Malfoys are addressing them !
Well, something like that anyway. Malfoy would definitely be outraged or something when Neville walks away, and the least you could do is to make Malfoy being outrageous.
Flitwick's characterization was not quite correct. He'd be excited at something small, but I don't think he would be forgetful enough.
“Oh yes! Silly of me to forget… I will tell you once everyone’s got it.”
That's the sentence. Flitwick is pictured to be small and short et cetera, but forgetful ? I don't really think so. XD !
Overall, great chapter ! Love the length, by the way !Author's Response: Good points on the Neville and Malfoy characterizations, but I don't know... I always thought of Flitwick as being just a LITTLE bit forgetful. You know... all that excited/nervous energy can get the best of a person's memory sometimes. XD
Thanks! Report Review
Wow, their relationship has definitely taken a step further ! I'm really eager to read more and more about them, and I'm glad you requested for me to review your story when you have 16 chapters already. That way, I don't have to wait for you to update !! :D
You should balance out the length of your chapters, because its like, one long, one short and vice versa. This particular short chapter has loads of descriptions though.
I was viewing your chapters' titles a few minutes ago and I realized that your title for each chapter is long. Try to keep it at a maximum number of words and not too long. There are such words that explain many things at a go, so you can use them. :D
“Aaah…,” she gasped as she released Artemis and looked at her arm to see two sets of holes where the claws had dug in. “Temperamental cat…,” she muttered as Artemis flicked her tail and jumped up to the window.
You see, Elyssa was hurt on the arm by Artemis's claws. Though no animal has ever scratched me, I think that it is definitely painful as you added the word digging and instead of Aaah.. I would suggest AAAH !! Your use of punctuation here is also wrong, as once you've put a fullstop, a comma is not neccessary.
Its interesting how you added a lil' element to Seamus, which is his talent of drawing. I'm guessing that the rough drawings he would later turn into a cat and its owner relates to Elyssa and Artemis ? Well, I shall have to read on then ! :DAuthor's Response: Most of the chapters are going to be around 1,100-1,500 words now. It was definitely a problem for my friends who read it.
Mmmm... I agree with the AAAH! thing. Report Review
Ah, a longer chapter ! A very eventful one. Great news, because I'm glad that the Weasley twins, Lavender and Parvati's characterization were very well written ! Very common for the Weasley twins to joke around et cetera, and definitely Lavender and Parvati to do some "dorm mate bonding". A great job on their characterizations this time !
Hermione was still a little bit OC as I think she'd advice the rest of her dorm mates to go to sleep as lessons were to start the next day, and I definitely can't picture her as the type who would straightaway tell secrets to her dorm mates, especially someone she has just met although Elyssa might seem close to her. The only part that I think Hermione was canon like we know her in the books is when Lavender mentioned Hogwarts: A History.
“Whoa!” The three boys said.
I don't exactly agree with this sentence. When saying whoa, I think it'd be better to make it sound like the three boys are shock or something, and I wouldn't use the word said if I were you because whoa refers to like a shocker word, doesn't it ?
As you can see, I'm a bit straightforward and totally honest with everything, and do tell me if you have a problem with it !
Again, there were slight grammatical and punctuation errors, but so far I couldn't spot any spelling errors. Great thing ! Do you use spellcheck on Word or something ? If you do, keep using it ! Grammatical-related stuff should be helped by a beta reader if you want one, and for punctuations, you'll have to know it. :D
Overall, another great chapter !
Author's Response: You have a point on the whole Hermione being a little OC-ish.
Thanks! Report Review
Okay, I seriously have to admit that this chapter is really short ! It was a great one, though. There wasn't much happenings in this chapter, and it wasn't eventful, but what I know now is that Seamus's and Elyssa's relationship are going further. I'm really on the suspense to read more about both of them ! Since the chapter was uneventful, so you know, the descriptions were totally little. I hope I'm not offending you ! I'm really trying hard to point out stuffs that need to be improved ! :D
About the grammatical stuffs now. By the way, are you feeling bored reading my reviews ? They're long sometimes, but sometimes I think people get bored reading my reviews LOL. Anywayy..
“An excellent meal, was it not? Anyways, we have a new teacher this year,” he gestured to a woman who stood up from the staff table. She was tall, with grey eyes and dark, floaty blue robes. “This is Professor Karossa McShane. She will be the new Elementals professor as well as the part time dance instructor.”
Dumbledore was a little OC in this story, but its your story, its your deal with the characterizations. Okay, about the sentence above, the way you used the word anyways sounded a bit wrong in my mind LOL. Some people, particularly me, chat a lot on MSN/AIM/YAHOO, so the word anyways is frequently used, but I'd advise you not to use it when writing fanfiction. Yes, the word may be correct, but if you read the sentence out loud, it definitely sounds wrong, and that word coming from someone like Dumbledore definitely sounds wrong too ! XD !
The Weasley twins were also a little OC. Instead of them just standing up and talking to Dumbledore like that, I think they'd be doing wolf-whistles et cetera, then only call out to Dumbledore. The Great Hall is enormous, so I don't think the word asked would be appropriate. =]
Immediately, whispers grew into loud chattering. Another dance? Would there be more foreign students? Elyssa did not understand what the rest of the school was talking about and sat quietly. The red-headed twins Elyssa had seen on the train stood up and asked, “Any more Veela, Professor?”
Again, you mixed up the narrative's perspective and Elyssa's perspective. You said that Elyssa didn't know what the students were talking about, but before that particular sentence, you put there : Another dance ? Would there be more foreign students ? This is definitely in the students' perspective, so I strongly suggest in just sticking to the narrator and Elyssa's POV, for simplicity's sake.
Also, in the same sentence above, you wrote that the Weasley twins said Any more Veela, Professor ?. They are asking are there any more, so Veela should be referred as Veelas.
I hope you find my reviews hopeful ! :DAuthor's Response: Now that I'm re-reading that again, the anyways does sound weird.
Mmmmm... Another good point on the Weasley twins.
Thanks again! Report Review
Yet another brilliant chapter ! Particularly, I've never liked any Seamus/OC story, but I really love this one ! I can actually think that the story is unfolding in my mind, with the scenes and all. I'm super glad you requested for me to review your story ! Ever since I started reading this story, I've been liking Seamus more than I used to last time, not like I liked him last time, LOL.
Anyway, back to the story. There are quite a number of things I'd like to point out and I hope you don't mind ! I love making my stories perfect, and I love pointing out stuff that makes other people's stories perfect ! You can either choose to edit the chapters of this story, or to remember to avoid these mistakes in the future. =]
About the sentence below :
“What house do you think I’ll be in?” She asked.
The first letter of the word she should be a small letter instead of a capital. When asking a question and you have closed it with a quotation mark, try to remember that the first letter of the next word should be a small letter.
“We-we’re not red… What’re you talking about?” Elyssa stammered. Seamus just stood there, looking at his feet. Dean and Neville were puzzled. What was going on between them?
Now, try not to change into another person's perspective. You are currently writing in a narrative way and also partly in Elyssa's POV, so you shouldn't involve any feelings that come from Dean and Neville, especially in the sentence above. You could say that Dean and Neville would look confuse and had the what-was-going-on face, but not put it in a way that makes your reader think they are the ones whose feelings you are writing. Hope that wasn't too confusing ! :D
Hermione was a bit OC here. I can't really picture her as someone who squeals, and I can only picture Lavender and Parvati as girls who squeal.
“Really?” Her eyes widened. She was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that she would be in the same house as her new friends, but was relieved that she’d know at least one person in her dormitory.
About the sentence above, you said that Elyssa would know one person in her dormitory. She already met Lavender and Parvati in the first chapter, and since Hermione, Lavender and Parvati are in the same year, you should say that Elyssa would know at least three people in her dormitory.
Overall, I loved this chapter !! :D
*seriously hating myself now ! T__T*Author's Response: I'm probably going to edit these later, but I want to get this beast all updated first before I edit it.
Yeah... I'm kind of an offender when it comes to POV switching...
Oh, good point about the knowing of three people, but at the time Hermione's the only person that Elyssa knows is going to be in her dormitory. Report Review
Wow, I loved Tom's characterization ! Absolutely brilliant, the way you characterized him, that is. It was fun to see how he was like back, but such an arrogant jerk by the way. Definitely him. I never actually thought that I would come to the day when I'd love Voldy, but gosh, I can't believe I'm starting to like him as his character, of course.
The engagement scene was well described, and this is the second-best chapter of this story. A great work on this chapter !
So, I've came to Chapter 4 already. Feel free to post back in my review thread, 'JYYL94's Reviews ! =]' anytime soon with the correct link, LOL, and make sure it is linked directly to Chapter 5 if you want more reviews from me ! Hoping to hear from you soon ! :DAuthor's Response: Hey again! I'm happy you liked the way I portrayed Tom - this is actually Tom Riddle SENIOR, by the way, not Voldemort himself. This is Voldemort's father, and Merope is Voldemort's mother. :D Yes I tried to put a few facets of ol' Voldy's personality into his father, and I'm happy you like Tom Sr., because you're supposed to! He's a very handsome, rich, talented guy who is good at everything, so yes of course he is a jerk - but I tried to show him being a little bit human too. Sometimes he does want to get away from it all.
I just wanted to say thank you sooo much for reviewing my ENTIRE story, you are such a sweetheart. I'm planning on doing a lot of reviewing tomorrow, so I will definitely return the favor for you. Expect to hear from me soon! HAHAHA and yes I promise to send you the CORRECT link this time - how embarrassing, I was actually pimping someone else's story by mistake instead of asking for a review for mine. LOL Thanks again sweetie! Report Review
I personally love this chapter. It was certainly long and good, unlike the previous chapters. Basically, the previous chapters look long, but its the chapter image that is big !
Well, like I said, I love this chapter. A very-detailed one, my favourite chapter so far. The characterizations were brilliant, especially with Tom's and Merope's character. Very well characterized and I really love your writing style ! The way you write this story with such captivating sentences, it really got me hooked to the story. I can't believe I didn't come across this story before ! Really glad that you requested for me to review your story.
This chapter really caught my eye because there was more developments from the plot, which is of course flowing perfectly. You weren't rushing into anything, which is a great thing. Honestly, I don't really love OC/OC stories, though this is counted in the HP books and isn't really the main focus, but this story is one of the best so far.
Keep up the great & fantastic work !Author's Response: Hey again hun! Yes this chapter was very long, but I wanted to delve a little bit into Merope's family backstory and so I added a lot of descriptions. Too much, do you think? Wow I'm glad it's your favorite chapter so far!!! So, more backstory, you think? You'll certainly get more of that as I go along. :) Yes sorry if you thought the first two chapters were a bit slow, I was busy setting characters and plots up. I promise the fun is just about to begin. Thanks for reading dear :) Report Review
Yet another brilliant chapter. I personally love chapters which start with conversations, something that catches a reader's eyes, particularly me ! Bethe characterization was well written, even if the character belongs to you, but she seems like a real person to me the way you wrote her. I'm beginning to love this story even more because of its originality. The plot, characters, everything ! Descriptions were, of course, great again. Your writing style is perfect, so no worries there.
There was a slight grammatical mistake here in this chapter. The sentence is :
The girl's face fell. "I can't read much. Or write all all. I never learned how."
Yes, if you read it, it should be Or write at all. Its hilarious, isn't it ? I love writing stories, but when I wrote my first fanfic and posted it up uptil 10 chapters, I read it all over again and realized how hilarious it was and I was laughing my head off all the while ! Well, it was my first time writing a fanfic for God's sake, but now I'm already the top student in English & Literature in my year. :D
Overall, a great chapter, I loved it !Author's Response: Excellent I'm happy the chapter started off well for you, I do like having a conversation at the beginning too. :) That is such a compliment, that Bethe seemed like a real person or even a canon character, I'm very flattered. Yes someone else pointed out that mistake too and I have fixed it now! Good eye, thanks so much for letting me know - usually little mistakes like that bug me a lot, guess I must have been tired writing that part or something. Congrats on being the top student in literature!!! That's fantastic. Writing has always been my strong point in school, even as a child, but I went into science instead - go figure. Anyway thanks so much for this feedback dear! Report Review
Hiya ! You requested for me to review your story, so here I am. First of all, a million apologies coming from me for getting back to your story slightly later than usual and I'm positive that you know why, don't you ? =] Well, anyway, I might finish reviewing the story today !
Back to your story. I loved it so far ! The plot was rather original, I think, but maybe because this is the first story which plot I've first came across on HPFF. The plot was flowing pretty well, and I loved it ! You described everything in a perfect manner, and for the descriptions, I'd give you a 10/10. I also love your writing style, with having almost an equal amount of conversations and paragraphs.
Overall, a promising start to a definitely great story ! It's your first fanfic, isn't it ? Well, its a really good one ! :DAuthor's Response: Hey jyyl94! Yes thanks so much for reviewing! :) Glad you think the plot is original, that is exactly what I was shooting for. I like exploring characters and stories that not many people have written about, so Merope and Tom's story seemed like a good one to choose. Thanks so much for the high rating, I'm happy you liked the descriptions and the dialogue. Yes it is my first Harry Potter fanfiction ever! I'm pretty proud of it and I worked hard on it, so I'm happy. Glad you like it! :) Report Review
Woah, this was kinda of confusing yes, but WHAT ?! Ron died ?! I particularly don't like Ron, but its kinda sad to see him die. The plot is flowing really nicely, and just like you said, the plot is unfurling. I'm beginning to love this story, and I might just consider it going to my favourites ! There was a nice cliffy at the end of the chapter, and though I absolutely loathe cliff hangers, but on the bright side, it keeps someone hooked to your story, and that way everyone would come back to read it ! Great job on this chapter, keep the good work up !Author's Response: Hey there m'dear ^_^ Aw man you keep giving me those 'whoopsiedoo' butterflies :D Yeah, I had a original fiction with a li'l mystery and that had cliffs towards the end and i realized it was fun to put there so began with the very first chapter in here - the cliffy i mean :D Thank you SO much!!! Report Review
I liked the scene between Professor Malfoy and Mara, though I was thoroughly confused with who exactly Professor Malfoy was. If you've mentioned that in the chapter, then I'm sorry because I think I may have missed it XD ! Details were brilliant in this chapter, and so far, this is my favourite chapter of the story. Whoever Professor Malfy was, his characterization was great because its definitely a Malfoy trait to consider backgrounds and whatnot.
Sorry I haven't got much to say because if I had to say something, I'd just have to repeat everything because everything was wonderful ! A great story, and feel free to OWL or leave a post in my review thread in the forums, and I'll be glad to read the next chapters and so on ! I'm not sure if you remember reading my story, 'Together, Forever', but if you did, expect to hear from me soon ! I read your reply for my first review for this story, and I just wanted to say thanks for wishing me luck in my finals. Thanks a lot !! *hugs*Author's Response: I am intending to clear up who he is later on in the story so don't worry ^_^ if it's a little bit too confusing, though, feel free to let me know somehow because I don't want it to be really confused!
Of course I remember 'Together, Forever'! I'm looking forward to the next chapter being posted so I can read it :) That reminds me...please post the next chapter!!!
Thanks for another great review *hugs again* I seem to be hugging a lot at the moment, but it's just because I'm so happy someone likes my story!
xxx Report Review
Hey, you requested for me to review your story, so here I am ! :D
To begin, you know what ? This is one of the saddest story I've ever read ! It was sweet, and rather sad how you wrote the story, and even sweeter still since you dedicated this story to other people around the world. To be honest, I actually cried reading this because the way you wrote your sentences were unbelievably amazing and you had me hooked to the story. The flashback about what happened was amazing, but I have to comment on something. For some reason, I wouldn't think that Ron would just conveniently say 'I love you' to Harry, and the characterization here wasn't that all convincing to me. I hope I'm not offending you, just my opinion though. ;) This is a line that you might have seen me say a lot of times, but there's something about the amount of spaces between each paragraph and lines in your story. Try making it less, because it tends to get your readers off the hook and distracted. You can use the 'paste as plain text' button, it definitely helps. ;D
Overall, a promising story, and I loved it ! Definitely its going to my favourites !! Great job, keep the good work up !!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing...even if I did request it. hehe.
I will deffinately look at the Ron thing. I'll admit that when I wrote it I wasn't sure that Ron would say that but I wanted him to say something of that manner to Harry. Throughout the series I've seen the two of them express the brotherly love but I've never actually heard them say it. Correct me if I'm wrong by saying that. So I wanted to have him say that because both of them have realized, through Hermione's death, that this could really be the final time they see each other or talk to each other. So I made him say that so that he could get out how he really felt about Harry. I mean if I was in that situation I would have said something like that to my best friend. But hey, I'm a girl and guys probably don't express themselves like that. I'll look at it and see if I can't reword it.
I'm so happy to hear that you liked the story. That overjoys me in so many ways. I can barely describe how that makes me feel, seriously. To hear that it could arouse such emotion that it would make you cry is just so great for me to hear. I love it.
I'll also look at the whole spacing issue. You haven't offended me in the slightest, if anything you've helped me to improve. Thank you so, so much. :) Report Review
Hiya ! You requested for me to review your story, so here I am. First of all, I'd like to say sorry for the late review as you know I'm having my finals and I was too caught up in studying. I'd also like to thank you for reviewing my story, if you remember ;D
Anyway, back to your story. Its a pretty amazing start, and I loved it. Though its your first Rose/Scorpius fanfic, it was amazing, everything was. I could tell that you put in much effort when writing the story, which I'm glad that I've read. The characterizations were amazing, and I liked how you characterized Scorpius. Definitely like Draco. The descriptions were amazing, and everything was described beatifully from head to toe. You'll have no problem with descriptions when writing other stories. I'd like to comment about the number of spaces you have between each lines and paragraphs. You should make it less as it tends to distract your reader while they're reading, and basically the only thing I was doing when reading your story was scrolling down at times. Sometimes, HPFF does not validate stories without having a space or so between each paragraphs and lines, but try using the 'PASTE as plain text' button. It definitely helps, and though there will still be about two spaces, at least the turnout will be better than what you currently have in this chapter now. The plot is something that I've read before, but the way you wrote it made me get hooked to the story, so I'm totally loving it right now ! It was kinda rushed, I admit, and you should at least tell us how Scorpius and Rose were friends because you didn't actually introduced Scorpius at the beginning, and then suddenly Rose said that she's friends with him. Overall, a promising start to a story you've never written before !
`JYYL94.Author's Response: Its ok. I have tests coming up in a few weeks.
Thanks for the review. I couldn't get the spacing to work right with this story, but I'll try to fix it. I am planning on writing a sequal to this story. Report Review
Hey, its me, the one you requested to review your story =] To start off, I noticed that your Author's Note is unbelievably long, LOL. Because your note is long, I would suggest that you save it for the end of the chapter as it tends to distract your readers, you won't want that, do you ? :D I love the way you put everyone's character to life, and the descriptions are very lovely. I'd like to point out something, though.
About this sentence :
Andromeda glanced at the envelope and then tore it open.
A badge fell out of the envelope and into her lap.
Instead of writing in two separate lines, its better if you write like this : Andromeda glanced at the envelope and then tore it open. A badge fell out of the envelope and into her lap. You can change the sentence, so it will turn out to be : Andromeda glanced at the envelope, tore it open and something shiny fell into her lap. You can just twist it and change it in a way so that it looks attracting.
There were more grammatical errors, but I'm sorry I have no time to point it out right now. I'm in a rush to the hospital for a check-up since I had a surgery 3 weeks ago. Overall, a promising start to a story, keep the good work up !!
Author's Response: Thank you so much. I have taken your suggestions and made alterations. Thanks so much for reviewing. I really appreciate it. :) I hope everything goes okay at the hospital you poor thing. Report Review
WOW, a super, duper amazing chapter !! I'm loving Harry and Ginny ships more, and overall, this is the BEST chapter of this story ! I totally loved it ! Everything was amazing in this chapter, especially the descriptions. I hope you'll write more chapters like this one ! It's sad that I've already finished reviewing every chapter, but do owl me if you already updated this story !! It was nice reading this story, so I'll definitely read it some more till the very end. Owl me if you can !! Author's Response: Well, it's fantastic to have committed regular readers. I have started the new chapter but I'm a little stuck and there will be more Draco in it again, so you may like that! I'm so impressed with your comments on this chapter, since I actually thought it was a bit cheesy, although Harry is very formal and very assertive when it comes to dealing with the goblins, and mind you, he has a point: they won't be able to sit on the fence forever! So, if you weren't a Harry / Ginny shipper and now you are into them, well, what can I say! Harry/Ginny is a big part of this plot. In fact, lots of things will happen between them (some of which couldn't be there in canon) but again, you will have to wait and see. Just to keep you intrigued, Ginny will be very much a central character at the time of the final battle, although she will not be physically there... I'll owl you when I have finished my next chapter (I would love to finish it today but cannot make any promises). Report Review
Wow, I totally LOVE the descriptions at the beginning of the chapter !! Amazing work on it, and I can tell that you've put in a lot of effort on it. A very detailed chapter, I love it. One of my favourites too ! There was one sentence, where Harry was talking to Malfoy, but instead you put Moody. You should correct that one. ;D Great chapter, and I can't believe I'm at chapter 18 already !!Author's Response: Thanks, if I named the wrong character, this is just plain careless on my part! I'll go and check and change that. I really tried to imagine Grimmauld Place from the window. I thought actually that the house they use in film 5 is very canon actually. I have lived in London so I can sort of imagine the type of building but I also wanted to convey Draco's feelings and I thought it may be interesting to start and finish the chapter with dreams, or mention to dreams but of a complete opposite kind. And, by the way, I can't believe you have read so much in one go either! This can only mean that you really, really like it! x Report Review
The characterization was good in this chapter, and I loved the way you put Moody's character. Definitely him. Again, there were just a few grammatical mistakes, mostly punctuations, so I do hope you avoid these mistakes in the future. Great chapter, and keep up the good work !!Author's Response: Yes, Moody trusts no-one and former Death Eaters even less! Harry is very much in two minds as to what to make of it all. Writing the Draco/Harry interaction was a bit challenging, especially now that Draco has to be humble (for his own protection) but has to remain himself (Draco can't never be too humble!). Again, I'll check the whole story for errors. If you spot anything very specific, by all means let me know. Did you think Harry and Draco were in character too? Thanks again so much! Report Review
Interesting, and Draco is really coming into the picture !! I love it !! About this : "Oh, my ...!" was Harry's reply. I don't think that he'd say "Oh, my.. "because to me, it kinda sounds too girly for him LOL. Try something else that definitely suits Harry. I'm loving this plot more and more, and Umbridge being minister is really unbelievable ! I haven't came across any plot with her being the minister, so this is sooo original !! I can't really imagine her being minister, though ! She's so, arrghh. Can't stand her. Great chapter, and I'm off to read the next !!Author's Response: Yes, it seems that Harry's path and Draco's are converging here. That may be fun since they hate one another! Umbridge, well, she was quite high up at the Ministry, and she is really ambitious and pushy so I could see something like that happening in real life politics, i.e. the worst person for the job getting it. She has some ideas that well... The Order is now going to fight two fronts: Voldemort and her. I'm not saying that she is a Death Eater, but as Harry said: "I wouldn't put it passed her." Maybe she just has her own sadistic agenda, wait and see... I will check the whole story for errors soon although at the moment I'm trying to get my chapter 19 off the ground. With Harry, yes, maybe I get him to express surprise etc in a different way, maybe more through body language actually. I'll think about what may work. Report Review
I got my wish, haha ! There's mostly Draco in this chapter, and I'm so happy ! I'm so liking Snape's character in this story, and his allegiance is known already. Just a few mistakes I've spotted, but you're doing a wonderful job with this story. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I've already added you to my favourites, I think I've mentioned this before, but anyway, yeah. Great job, keep the good work up !Author's Response: Well, I'm impressed about being added to your favourites. Honestly, your reviews are making me feel so happy. Also, I know you mean what you say because you are not scare of giving constructive criticism which is great! Snape is one of my favourites too. Draco was a little difficult to do because I always thought he was very close to him mother, but on the other hand, his kind are not supposed to show much emotion, very English stiff upper lip, so getting him to react to his mother's death and in weird circumstances, well. I thought that Snape's allegiance was sort of made clear before. I could have kept up the suspense but I will need Snape to make up with Harry eventually, he will be useful later on... although Harry is nowhere near believing him at the moment. Mind you, it could be argued that Snape has only changed allegiance now because Voldy has caused Cissa's death, I'll leave it up to you... (I'm being evil again). Report Review
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