Hello! This is VintageGrl19 from the forums. :)
The first thing I noticed about your story is the lack of sentence variation. Your first five sentences all begin with "Albus." As a reader, this can get really repetitive, so watch out for that. Try to expand your sentences as well-- they all shouldn't be simple sentences (just a subject and a verb). Try to add some conjunctions and semicolons to make them more interesting.
One grammar mistake I noticed was this: “Just like Rose,” thought Albus to himself. < The thought should be in italics, not quotes.
On a good note, I really liked the dialog between Albus and Rose-- it felt honest. Good first chapter, I just think you need to work on adding more depth and description to your chapter. :)Author's Response: Woops...I did say Albus' name way too many times! Thanks!
Yes, dialogue seems to be my specialty (referring to Albus/Rose comment).
Everyone seems to tell me to work on my description, you being no exception. I'll work on it. Thanks! Report Review
Hello! This is VintageGrl19 from the forums. Sorry its taken me so long to review; I've been really busy. But onto your story!
Ron was fantastic. He was so completely in-character. The whole "I'm not really friends with Luna" bit was great. I could totally imagine him sulking around, just like he did at the Yule Ball. Luna was pitch-perfect too: “Well, the girl, of course.” Lol, I love her!
Your first paragraph was good as well; I like how we read a fragment of Ron's thoughts-- it really brings the reader right into his mind.
But...Hermione. I think I actually cringed when I read the words "Short skirts and halter tops." That kind of turned me off right away, because I felt like I was reading a cliché Dramione, Viktor filling in for Draco. And Hermione winking? I mean, that whole description of her as a lovestruck girl just didn't fit, especially with your added info that the war just ended. Maybe she's going through some post-tramautic stress? I kind of hope so, because I didn't like your Hermione all that much. I'm not saying that she's irredeemably bad, I'm just saying you need to tone down her girly-flit side.
Working on your description wouldn't hurt either. For example, where you write: "Luna was still wearing all her weird accessories and more." You could detail her accessories. Was she wearing radishes? Butterflies? Did she look different? Things like that help the reader visualize your story.
I think you have a good start here. You seem to be setting up the Luna/Ron ship well, considering how different they are. All in all, good first chapter! I hope my review helped. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'll try to fix the things you mentioned. =] Report Review
Wow, this is great! I love minor characters, and this is the first good story I've seen about Dudley. Your amazing summary drew me in right away. At first I wasn't sure about the italicized "him," but now I like it. I just love the line "I regret that." It [i]is[/i] short, but it's great. Off to the next chapter! *favorites*Author's Response: Oh, wow. Thank you. I love minor characters too, and when I first got to the site it occured to me that there were not many about Dudley, who obiously must be misunderstood, like most bullies.
I'm soooo glad you like that line! I thought of the idea so long ago it seems like, but I remember really liking that line too. I'm glad you liked the summary. I was afraid it might be too broad. (sp?)
Oh, thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Report Review
Aww, I loved this! The whole tone was perfect, so quirky and original and...absolutely perfect. I love how you left your OC unnamed (since I hate most OC names) and Peter was perfect (it was Peter, right?) The whole toe/apple pie bit was awesome. I loved this line: "Perhaps the sex or perhaps the winning and the sex or perhaps all three and I would never know." You captured everyday life in a way that made your whole story glimmer. Amazing job!! 10/10, Bien sur. ^_^Author's Response: Haha, yes, it is Peter! And thank you so much for making me smile with your nice review! Report Review
This was perfectly bittersweet. I love the tone you displayed throughout the whole piece. Luna's one of my favorite characters, and the reader can definitely tell that the speaker is her mother.
I love the first sentence you used: "One of my favourite places in the world is Africa." It reminded me of the movie Out of Africa, which is one of my favorite movies. :)
The only grammar mistake I noticed was: "So, I found it strangely ironic that the first funeral I attended was my own." > The comma isn't needed after "so". I also saw a few semicolons, but (yay!) they were used correctly. It bugs me to no end when they're just thrown in, lol.
The description of the whole piece was lovely, especially the orange tree, and the only bit that seemed off was Aurelia's description of her husband. Your take made it seem like she didn't care for him too much-- was that your intention? I imagined them more it love then you portrayed them.
On the whole I think this a great piece, very original and well characterized. I love the motherly advice Aurelia dispatches to Luna:
“You’ll catch a cold if you’re not careful,” It was a tugging-at-the-heartstrings moment. Wonderful job! ^_^Author's Response: i absolutely adore semicolons (when used correctly), and have to be my number one punctation!. when i read other stories im always pointing out where semi colons could be used!
about Xeno - i didnt really know what to say about him, but i think i'll explore that in the next chapter. i havent written it yet, so i dont know. but i will think about it. thanks for pointing it out!
thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
I loved this one-shot! I'm sure Luna must be hard to write, but you captured her essence beautifully. All the dialog was spot on, and I enjoyed Draco and Luna's interactions. I loved the last line, too: "I'll miss you." It was a perfect ending. ^_^Author's Response: Thank you so much. That really means a lot to me. She's a hard on. Thank you!! :) Report Review
Aww, he didn't stand her up! I loved this chapter so much-- it was great the way Careen connected eating together with being a family. The whole chapter was amazing. I hope you continue the story! ^_^Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
I think this chapter started out really strong, but it sort of became weaker at the end. I loved the whole bit with Harry and Ginny, but the conversation with Narcissa seemed silted somehow. Good chapter overall, but I think the dialog was weak in places.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
You portray Careen really well. It can be hard to write children's dialog, but you do a great job. I also like the bit of insight into the headmistress' mind-- it was an unexpected bit of humor. Great chapter!Author's Response: Oh thank you! Yes, it is difficult to write, since children are so... innocent, I suppose. I know Careen can seem too perfect to be real, but I like to think that there are children like that somewhere =) Report Review
Oh, this is really good! I love your plot, and the reasons for Hermione living in the Muggle world--they all fit perfectly. I especially like how Draco isn't exactly pleased with the fact that he married a Muggleborn; it makes your story really believable. Off to the next chapter! ^_^Author's Response: Aww thank you dear! I'm sorry I haven't been able to get around to answering your reviews, but I want you to know I'm incredibly grateful! And yes, I thought they both needed good, solid, valid reasons =) Report Review
Oh, I can't believe you don't have any reviews! Your plot is really original; the whole idea of Scarlet being brought to the king's court is great.
Your whole first paragraph is wonderful-- it really drew me in. You've some strong descriptions too, although you might want to work on the dialog a bit. Some of it sounded forced, like: "No father. If the men are destroyed, they’ll search for the women and children. No one would be safe. And you know me. I’d rather die fighting than running.”
But you also have some great dialog, such as "Lead them to the paddocks and let them refresh," Just make sure to keep your characters' words believable.
The only paragraph I had a question about is this: "
The soldier holding Scarlet dragged her towards the King’s horse which had just been brought out. He lifted her up and placed her on the horse. The soldier tied Scarlet’s hands together, and then gave the rope to the Queen. His face was pale. He didn’t like what was happening." I was a bit confused about who the "he" was.
Of course, since the village is magical, I have to ask-- why didn't they just use a spell to stop to stop the soldiers and get back Scarlet? But then again, this is your story-- I just hope it'll come out later.
I know this is a really long review, but I hope it helped. You have a good start (and lovely banner)! ^_^
~ ClareAuthor's Response: thankyou. In that paragraph that doesn't make sense, I sorta stuffed up ;) I may just get my beta to look over it :)
thanks for the review Report Review
Since you know of my love for minor canon characters, I'm quite excited to read your story.
I love all the details you present, like buying the Durserlys a "good" car and the atmosphere you create. I also like how you explored Dudley's Dementor attack. I can't wait to see how you introduce Hannah into the story after putting Dudley in Yorkshire.
The only thing I think you could work on is dialog; I'd love to read some, but I'm sure it's coming up in the next chapter. And be careful with capitalization, terms like "the Order" should be capitalized.
You're a great beginning-- I'm off to the next chapter. ^_^Author's Response: Thanks so much for coming! In terms of dialogue, no, unfortunately it isn't coming until the later chapters. When I wrote this, I had no idea how to do it, so instead I basically had my characters do long monologues. I am planning on fixing it, but until I do it will read pretty oddly... Sorry. I am glad you like Dudley and the details! Also, thanks for noting my capitalization errors, I'll get on that too when I edit again!
Gords7015 Report Review
That was wonderfully written. I'm so glad Hermione and Draco stayed separated-- it wasn't cliched at all. I love the fact that it's written when they're both older. Really, I love everything about this piece. The descriptions, the characters, the dialog. Amazing job. ^_^Author's Response: Thanks so much! Haha, no matter how I write them, I can never seem to actually romantically pair Hermione and Draco. They just become friends. I'm really glad that you liked this one. It's kind of dear to my heart :) Report Review
I really liked it, especially how you included the line from the challenge. I really like the Founders Era, and I think you did a wonderful job with it. :)Author's Response: thanks for reviewing :) I'm glad you liked it, and yay! for the Founders Era! Report Review
I definitely think you should continue! You've a wonderful plot, and I like your idea to switch POVs. It'll be interesting to see the story from Blair's POV.
I really like the interactions you've set up between Blair and Seamus, and Seamus and Dean. You also have some nice descriptions that make it easy to focus in on the story and capture the readers' attention. The backstory was perfect-- just enough, but not lacking.
The only bit I think you could improve on is your flow. You have a few places you sound a bit informal, like, "Death is so unfair,"
I think it would have been stronger if you just wrote, "Death is unfair." Of course that's just my opinion. (:
You have a great start, and I'm off to read the next chapter! Report Review
I thought this was an amazing One-shot. While I've never really been a fan of Cho's, I love how you realistically portrayed her. I loved all the references back to Cedric-- especially the saving-her-underwater bit. It was exquisitely bittersweet. (:
The only question I have is the trophy wife part...I wish you'd elaborate more on why she was a trophy wife.
Wonderful piece!Author's Response: Thank you very much! I actually don't like Cho very much either. I think that's why I challenged myself to write a story about her.
She would've been a trophy wife because there wasn't very much love between her and her fiance. She was basically there to look pretty :\ Report Review
Hi, this is VintageGrl19 from the forums.
I really like the beginning of your story. I was already drawn in reading the summary-- it looks like a great plot. I was bit confused by first paragraph, because I thought it was going to be told from Scorpius' POV . (Don't ask why, I have no idea, lol.)
I like the idea of the letter. It really brought the reader into Rose's life and provided a clear picture of who the narrator is. I also like how you managed to add some canon details, like the Albus being a worrywort. I love that Rose enjoys Divination; it's a great bit of irony. (:
The only part you could work on in this chapter is adding a bit more of dialog. I would have liked to read more interaction between Albus and Rose. Oh, and I'm not sure Rose would refer to Harry as "Uncle Harry". Most nieces and nephews grow out of saying aunt and uncle, especially if they're close to their relatives.
All in all, I thought this was a great introductory chapter. You did a great job setting up the conflict. :)Author's Response: Hello! I really appreciate the review--and you taking the time to write one!
I had a different summary originally, but I thought that this one sounded better, so I switched to the current summary. I'm glad you liked it! As for thinking it was going to be told from Scorpius' point of view--I'm sorry! Do you think I should say something somewhere?
Thanks so much! I'm very excited that you liked the letter--it was actually really bad before I editted it. Eek! Haha. And I thought it would be fun if Rose liked Divination--especially because of the fact that Hermione hated it! :P
Oh, yeah, I know. I always feel like jumping into too much dialog at the beginning of a novel is bad--I dunno why! I just worry! Thanks for telling me about that!
Oh, and thanks for telling me about the "Uncle Harry" thing. I wouldn't have thought about that had you not said it!
Thanks so much! And, again, thank you for taking the time to review! Report Review
This was an amazing One-shot! It was haunting; I just want to reread it.
You have some beautiful descriptions, I really liked how you wrote the part about Ginny waking up alone. I usually don't enjoy Ginny-centered fics, but yours was amazing.
The only bit of advice I have (which is more of a random thought thought than advice) is that having a canon character as the shop assistant might be more effective.
All in all, I think you're a wonderful writer, and this is an gorgeous piece!Author's Response: thank you! yeah, i don't like ginny myself--this was a sort of revenge on her character ;)
The shop assisstant was originally Cho, but I don't like all the Cho-bashing that goes on in Harry/Ginny, so I left her out.
thank you once more for that very cheering review! Report Review
Hi, this is VintageGrl19 from the forums.
You have some wonderful images in this One-shot, such as "The further we walked; a building with the Dark Mark floating over it came into view. Why are we here if our job has already been done? I obviously wasn't the only one thinking this as several people behind me nervously glanced at one anther, suicide in my opinion. If you are to know one thing about the Dark Lord it is to never show uncertainty in his presence." I really liked that whole paragraph.
For your flashback, it's really jarring to read the words "flashback". You'd be better off putting them in italics. Also, if you read your story out loud to yourself, youll be able to find most of your grammar problems.
While you're a good writer, I thoght this story was extremely out of character for Bellatrix. I find it hard to believe that would feel that much remorse, or that her father would sell her to the Dark Lord, or that she would actually think about her "love" for Voldemort.
You're a good writer, this story just wasn't my cup of tea. Sorry.Author's Response: Thank you for all your wonderful compliments.
I thought about using Italics but I wasnt sure if people would know that it was a flashback...so I just went with what I did.
I am also sorry that you feel like Bellatrix was extremely ooc. But in my opinion she was not, maybe a little but not extreamly. I find it hard to believe that just becuase she works for the Dark lord, that her guilt/concience, or even remorse would leave her body. She is after all only human.
& it was not intended for her father to "sell her to the dark lord", he was supposed to be saving her life. ;]
I am sorry that this was not your cup of tea..haha, but it was still nice to hear how you felt on everything.
Thank you for your review & time. =] Report Review
Hi, this is VintageGrl19 from the forums.
I love rarepairs, so thanks for asking me to review! I think you portrayed both Peter and Lily very well, especially how somewhere in the back of Lily's mind she had thought about marrying James. I enjoyed the last line, "And for once, I knew that I was not a nothing.", it wrapped up the story nicely.
Not to be mean, the only criticism it have is that Peter was a bit too noble. And intelligent. I really liked the story, but your picture of Peter didn't fit with the picture of him in the actual books. But since this is your story, I can't really complain. (:
All in all, I think this is a great story, and you're a wonderful writer! (:Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm really happy that you liked the story.
You aren't the first one to say that Peter appears out of character. In the books, we don't learn much about what he was like at school. When people think of Peter, they immediately think of the betrayal. But he was part of the Marauders, and I'm trying to find out why. I understand that readers might find him OOC, and I respect that opinion. It's always good to know what other people think, and if I write another story about Peter, I will try to adjust my characterisation of him. Thank you for giving me your opinion, and for telling me what exactly about him was out of character.
Thank you so much! Report Review
Hi, this is VintageGrl19 from the forums.
First off, this was a very cute One-shot. It was really funny, even though I'm not sure it was supposed to be. (: I love the way you portray Crabbe and Goyle's emotions-- not too smart but not hopelessly dim either.
At times times I mixed up the two, but that's probably just me as I tend to think of them as one person.
Very nice job...is there going to be a sequel? I hope so! (:Author's Response: thanks a lot! (: i'm not sure, maybe. keep your eye out for one sometime in the future, though! Report Review
I didn't like this chapter as much as all the others, but I still can't wait to find out where the story is going. It would be interesting if you added more canon character interaction, like Bellatrix.
I think you're a great writer, and you definitely have me enthralled in this story. =]Author's Response: Thanks for yet another review!! This chapter is much less about their relationship and much more about moving the plot forward - I think the two aspects were more balanced in my other chapters. Funny you should mention including Bellatrix, because I fully intend to include her in the future, as well as Draco, more Voldemort, and possibly others... who knows? :D Thanks again for your support! Report Review
Eek, I got goosebumps!
I like the little aside about Alabatrax (whose name I just butchered), I like the small flashbacks into their past.
I'm off to read the next chapter!Author's Response: Thanks for the review, and thank you for mentioning my personal favorite line of the entire chapter :D I'm glad you like it! Report Review
Wow, that was great! I love how you characterize Narcissa and Lucius-- they're canon, yet still sympathetic. The only comment I have is the last sentence: if you eliminated "just" from it, your ending would be much stronger. =]Author's Response: Thanks! I really try to keep the characters within canon, so I'm glad you think they are! :D Report Review
I liked it! I've never read a Lavander fic before, and yours was very good. You have some puntuation errors, but nothing that took away from the story. You put a very sympahetic spin on Lavander, and I liked it. =]Author's Response: Thanks! :) I'm glad you liked it. I have never read a Lavender fic either, actually.. :P Except this one, of course. I'll try to fix the errors! ^_^ Report Review
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