This might be one of the best little one-shots I've read in a while. I've been reading angsty things for so long now that this was a very welcome change. :)
You wrote every single character perfectly, and I applaud you for that because there aren't many people out there who can write such a vast range of characters as well as you just have :)
I especially loved Neville. And Fred and George. You wrote their charisma and ease together very well.
So yeah, it was great. You should be proud :D
Jessica.Author's Response: Wow, I'm blushing! xD I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I had hoped the characters weren't too exaggerated-- I'm happy it seemed to come across alright. :) Report Review
Aww, I really enjoyed this. I don't usually tend to read 'missing moment' stories but your summary really intrigued me. :)
And for a moment the world stopped.
The blood on her cheeks became red rouge, and the dirt in her hair was simply dried hair care potion. My hand tight around hers was a familiar jolt and her breathing was heavy because we had just been kissing. - I loved that. The imagery and everything behind it was just brilliant. :)
And I see Lavender as I’ve never seen her before. She no longer has to hide behind her hair potion and rouge, because she’s grown up and she’s lived through this thing that we thought would be so easy, but it’s not. It’s bigger than our pubescent worries; we’re bigger than our pubescent worries. And I realize, that we don’t NEED to talk about it, because we both understand. I understand her now more than ever. - that was lovely. The whole ending was the perfect way to finish this one-shot, and I applaud you because I know how difficult it can be to find an appropriate ending.
If I had to give one piece of criticism, though, it's that sometimes your dialogue was a little... I don't know, "posh" for want of a better word :/ It was more of an issue when Lavender was talking, such as when she was saying “Now, we’ve changed. We’re different. Maybe I am, moreso, but I bet you are too. We’re not lovesick teenagers anymore. And this just proves it,”. D'you know what I mean? I haven't really put this across very well, but perhaps you could just look back over the dialogue and make sure you can visualise a scared seventeen year old saying such profound things in the middle of a crisis (:
All in all, it's a lovely little one-shot with some brilliant writing within it! :)
Jessica.Author's Response: thank you so much!
your criticism was very appropriate; i will look into that.
^_^ Report Review
Ahh, why has it taken me so long to get to this?!
Anyway, I loved it, as always. I really adore the way you write Albus; I fall a little more in love with his character each time he appears on my computer screen :)
Poor Jack! :( I really hope he's okay... uh-oh, is this going to be how James finds out that Jack's his son? Oh, the suspense might just kill me. Get writing, girl!
Jessica. Report Review
This was beautifully written. I was going to pick out some of my favourite bits, but I think I'd just end up quoting the whole thing.
You write angst very well. I really felt for this guy - whoever he was. Who did you have in mind as the characters when you were writing it?
So, yeah... it was wonderful. Have I ever mentioned that I envy you?
Jessica.Author's Response: Aw, thank you! And you could've picked out your favourite bits - it would've made me smile real big, lol.
Again, thank you! I always fear that I'm getting too emotional or that it doesn't come across the way I want it to. Like I'm forcing the sadness factor or something. I dunno, I'm not making much sense right now and I can't even blame the time of day - it's nearly 10 in the morning, lol.
As for whom the guy is, he's any man that's been in love with a girl who wanted much more than he could possibly give her. And I did have characters in mind, but I almost don't want to say otherwise it might take away from the appeal of the story. Just know that they aren't main characters and they are Next Generation. Does that narrow it down a bit?
Thank you, Jessica! You are much too kind to me. You really have no reason to envy me - you're just as skilled, if not more so, than I am! But thank you nonetheless for your compliments, for reading, and for reviewing. You are truly awesome. Report Review
This was beautiful. A beautiful idea and beautifully written.
“Will you take me away, Sirius? From here, from him, from everything.”
That line broke my heart a little bit. I've recently started to get a little more into Sirius/Lily, and I thought that this just perfectly summed up why Sirius and Lily would ever get together.
Your take on what awaited Sirius beyond the Veil was brilliantly imaginative and original. I adored the way you wrote this, too. This style of writing suited this piece perfectly.
“If you look close enough into her eyes, they have a bit of hazel in them,” the be-spectacled boy was saying. “That’s a sign, Sirius! No Divination professor could see any clearer than that!”
I loved that, too. I can't quite put my finger on why, but I did.
Excellent. I do hope that you're proud of this piece, because you should be. :)
Jessica.Author's Response: Wow, thank you very much! :D I'm really happy that you liked this story and how it was written. I was trying out some new things with the style, and it's great to hear that they worked.
After reading the King's Cross chapter, I had to write a story like this, not only because it's Sirius (and he deserves a post-death scene), but also because it's a fascinating way of portraying an afterlife. I can't take full credit for the idea because a friend of mine, forsakenphoenix, used a similar idea (in a different way) for one of her stories. ;)
Yes, I can say that I'm proud of this story. Writing it almost convinced me that the Sirius/Lily ship can work without resorting to painful adultery or heartbreak for those involved. I also like how Lily turned out here as she's a difficult character to write for me. Thank you again for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I thought this was beautiful. Really brilliantly written and a really interesting and clever take on that scene from OOtP.
They are still young, they still laugh and play around. They still face the world like soldiers, standing alone in the darkest of places to fight evil. And sometimes they still let loose, still get drunk off of firewhisky in his old flat, still smoke gillyweed when Lily’s not looking, just to stop themselves from falling apart. - the perfect way to end this. 'Twas lovely and so very poignant.
I don't know what else to say apart from I loved it.
JessicaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I've always loved this idea of what Sirius saw, especially when JKR wrote how his eyes lingered on the spot.
Glad you liked the ending - I sat for ages trying to think up a good one, and finally decided to end it just as I started it.
Thank you so much for this excellent review. Report Review
Hey, I'm here with your review :)
If I'm honest, I didn't really enjoy this. Your canon characters, especially Lily, seemed quite out of character to me. This line in particular stood out -
This pushed Lily over the edge and she launched herself at him, punching him hard in the face several times before anyone even thought to react. - I really didn't think that Lily would resort to violence over something as small as what James said, and most definitely wouldn't punch him "hard in the face several times."
Whilst your dialogue generally flowed easily, it didn't seem realistic at all. These characters are supposed to be, what, sixteen? And your dialogue portrayed them as though they were much younger and much more immature. Sirius in particular.
I suggest that you check out the Writer's Resources area of the forums. There are threads there that will help with canon characterisations and OC development. :)
I think that it might be best if I don't review the rest of your chapters, as you've written quite a few chapters of this story and I feel that I might just end up pulling what you've done to pieces in my attempt to help make it a bit better and more to my taste.
Please don't be disheartened, though - just because I'm not a huge fan of this doesn't mean that other people aren't finding it enjoyable or that it's really terrible. I just think that if you bear in mind what I've said and visit the forums for help on characterisations ect, your writing and this story will vastly improve. :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing I really appreciate any reviews I get especially honest ones.
I'll take a look at the forum as well, the only problem with the marauder era is that we don't really know what any of them were like since we've only had small glimpses into their world and so everyone is free to basically mould them into whatever type of people they want.
But like i said earlier I really do want to thank you for your honesty. Report Review
Me again again :)
A tingle a green energy still floated in the air, and a number of small fires had broken out were the green bolts had struck the ground. - 'a tingle OF green' and 'small fires had broken out WHERE' ;)
The Dementor’s retreated once again... - no appostrophe needed; it's just Dementors as you're talking about a plural.
This chapter was, obviously, quite different from your previous two, but I enjoyed it. As of now I'm a little confused as to how it ties in with the rest of your story, but I'm guessing you'll make that clear in later chapters :)
I think that, on the whole, you handled everyone's emotions quite well and I enjoyed your take on what happened the night James and Lily died. However, I thought that a little more depth could've been added. I know you said that Sirius had come to terms with what he was about to do when he came out of Godric's Hollow, but I thought that the piece would have benefited from you giving him a little bit of an emotional front. I also thought that he gave into giving Harry to Hagrid pretty quickly, and that could've been dragged out a little more for realism.
He wasn’t sure if he could stand to see the look of horror on his godfather’s face when he saw what waited for him in the cottage. - I really liked that line, though. I thought it was brilliant.
Your Areas of Concern that you left in your review request form thing were Gary-Stu worries, plot, dialogue and story flow. I think that generally you don't have a lot to worry about with any of them. However, I felt that the flow of this chapter was a little more stilted that your previous two.
As I stated in my rules, I only read three chapters per request, but if you found my reviews helpful feel free to come back and request for me to read a further three :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: I think the more emotional stuff is what I need to work on the most. I appreciate the reviews. Report Review
Me again :)
I don't really know where to start, so I'll start with Phil. You mentioned in your review request you were worried about your characters straying into Gary-Stu territory. I personally don't think they're there, but I can see how Phil could easily get there. He seems to be quite similar to Harry, just a little more well-organised and that, as well as his high academic skills and desire to rid the world of evil, could turn him into a very Gary-Stu character. Though like I said, he's not there yet and I think that as long as you introduce some character flaws he won't get there. :)
Relinquishing their wands was an important move. It would put their opponents at ease. A general mistake made by wizards was to assume that a wizard deprived of his wand was no longer a threat. The Death Eaters were falling into this classic blunder. As soon as they had the wands, they didn’t even bother to keep their own wands held at the ready. - I really liked that, because I can see it being true but its something I've never really thought about before.
Most Death Eaters enjoyed the actual kill the most, but Bellatrix preferred the aftermath. - I liked that, too. It seemed like such a Bellatrix trait.
I must say that I'm left a little confused. I don't know whether it's through a fault of your writing or whether I'm just being dense, but I don't quite understand how Phil and Jack escaped Bellatrix. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with those rubbish bins (sorry, I'm British xD) but I don't know where it goes after that, haha.
Ooh, and I liked Professor Piper. He seemed kinda Dumbledore-esque. :) Another pretty good chapter! I think I like where this story seems to be going.
JessicaAuthor's Response: The spell Phil used (Substito) turned the rubbish bins into copies of Phil and Jack, which he then directed to run down the street. Meanwhile, Phil and Jack disguised themselves to look like the rubbish bins, and Bellatrix ran past them to chase after the now human shaped trash bins. Hope that clears that up.
Piper ended up being more like Dumbledore than I wanted, just by being clever and a headmaster. Oh well.
Thanks for your reviews. Report Review
Hey, I'm here with you reviews, finally! Sorry for the wait.
Just a couple of things that I noticed, first..
"I mean, I know they're a couple of idiots, but they've never put anyway in the hospital before. - 'anyway' is, I'm guessing, meant to read 'anyone', and you've missed the speech marks off the end of the dialogue.
“Technically, it would qualify as an illegal enchantment of a Muggle artifact. The enchantment altered the chemical properties of the meth. Whoever did it somehow made it so that the effects are amplified when used by Muggle borns/ - Slash meant to be a full stop, and you've missed the speech marks off the end again.
Just a couple of typos that you can fix in a matter of minutes and will make the chapter just that little bit better. :)
You mentioned in your Areas Of Concern that you were concerned about the plot and the dialogue. I was going to make a point of telling you that I thought your dialogue flowed pretty well and was realistic anyway :) From what I can gather after reading just one chapter, your plot seems fine - original and quite interesting. Of course, my opinion might change as I read on, but I'm doubtful of that happening :)
As a whole, it was a good first chapter! The plot was nicely laid out and you kept the reader wanting more by ending with a cliff-hanger. Always a wise move, especially for a first chapter ;)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Thanks for pointing out those grammar errors. Thanks for taking the time to review! Report Review
Loved this. I've never read a Dominique/Teddy or a Victoire/Teddy before, so I can't really compare your characterisations or anything to those that I've already read, but I get the feeling they were perfect. For this kind of piece, at least.
I loved your Veela/bird thing... I envy your imagination; I'd never be able to come up with something like that.
I also thought you did brilliantly with the horror and the angst, even though you said it's not something you've attempted for a very long time. And you pulled off second person brilliantly; there are few people bold enough to attempt it, and even fewer who can pull it off like you have.
You drank and smoked and slept with the boys who would never remember your name, desperate to have someone to take his place in your heart; she was intelligent and perfect and brought light into every room she was in, stealing hearts wherever she went. You were dirty and tainted and broken; she was pristine and pure and whole. - That was one of my favourite parts from the whole thing. I like you conveyed Dominique's self-loathing and lack of self-worth and confidence brilliantly.
Fabulous one shot. :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, I\'m really glad you liked it, thank you for leaving such a lovely review!
Actually, the Veela/monster thing was just something that stuck with me while I was reading GoF for some reason. I dont know why, probably has to do with the destructive nature of beauty, or something :P
Horror and angst is a genre I am not very confident in, so it was a real challenge writing it. But to hear that kind of feedback genuinely means the world to me, thank you so much! Second person was also a challenge but I found that I rather like it once I got into it; thank you for the lovely compliments!
Argh! You picked my favorite line! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You got exactly what I was trying get across, thank you! And thank you again for such an awesome review, I\'m so glad you liked it :D Thanks! Report Review
She had been married, but her husband died in an unfortunate accident involving a dragon and three teenagers breaking into the bank; apparently a rock fell from the ceiling and crushed him. I tried not to blush (and laugh), knowing fully well that she was talking about my father’s friends and pseudo family members. - Loved that touch. :)
And I still love Teddy. And I still dislike Sophie. What on earth is her motive behind asking Mara to be her Maid of Honour?! I was just about to say 'No matter, I can skip onto the next chapter as I've only just discovered this fabulous story'... but I realised I've caught up to everyone. :/ The suspense might just kill me.
JessicaAuthor's Response: Good. Because I adore Teddy up, down, left, and right. He\\\'s just too cute not to adore him, in my humble opinion. The moment you start liking Sophie will be the moment I throttle you, and I don\\\'t really want to do that. So, please, by all means, continue disliking her. Her motives for picking Mara will be cleared up in the next chapter - that I can promise.
I\\\'ll try to get my next update out much sooner than usual. I\\\'m definitely not going to wait another month before posting the next installment. That was just cruel of me. Report Review
I loved reading a chapter from James' point of view. 'Twas really refreshing, and I love the way you write him :)
Ooh, for a moment there I thought James was really going to catch on. And then he didn't, and the saga continues! Yay, because that means there's all the more reading to be done :D
Oh, and congratulations on graduating, by the way! :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Yeah, he has had several moments thus far where you think he\\\'s going to catch on, but doesn\\\'t. Personally I think I\\\'m drawing it out much too long, but I can promise that it\\\'ll happen soon. Like in the new few chapters soon. I bumped it up on my outline and moved a few things around to make it possible.
Aw, thank you! Not only for the congratulations, but for reviewing all these chapters. It means a lot to me. Report Review
I, too, haven't ever considered the existance of a female goblin. The concept is... rather interesting. Especially as she's attracted to a wizard O_o
I loved your characterisations of Lily, Rose and Lucy. They all seemed to fit really well together as a group and the dialogue between them all flowed beautifully.
Poor Rose. She's right, though. Ron can be a "pigheaded git", haha.
Two weeks?! Well, that ain't so good. OH, the drama. :D
JessicaAuthor's Response: Yeah. . .I\\\'ll admit that it\\\'s a rather - er - odd thing to include, but I thought it would be interesting. Not only is Terra a female goblin, but unlike most goblins, she doesn\\\'t have all too many problems with wizardkind. Of course, Mr. Kilpatrick IS extremely delicious, so. . .lol.
Really? I thought Lucy was creepy, Rose was a bit bitchy, and Lily was too happy, but hey, I guess it works? I dunno. I do feel bad for Rose, but not bad enough to care all that much. Is that so horrible? Anyway, I\\\'m still debating whether or not I should bring Scorpius into the picture or not.
Yep, drama is the word. Report Review
Hey, I'm here to review!
I enjoyed this! It was just the perfect amount of fluff - not to sickening but enough to make you feel all fuzzy inside :)
He cleared his throat and tried to sound important despite his two missing front teeth. "I claim this in the name of Teddy and Victoire – the two best friends ever." - I thought that was adorable :)
You mentioned that you were concerned about your characterisations, and I really don't think that you need to be. I thought that you wrote Teddy wonderfully and really captured his emotions well in each section of the story, no matter what was going on.
I also liked the little thing of his hair going pink. :D
I enjoyed your characterisation of Victoire, too. You wrote her just as I had pictured her :)
To be honest, I can't find a lot wrong with this at all. The only thing that I can find to critique is your switching between past and present. I got it as I continued reading, but at first I was a little confused. That's the only thing that I would suggest you look at. :)
I definitely don't think that the lack of response is due to you doing something wrong. It's probably just something like different eras/ships/characters etc being more popular and so taking attention away from this. I don't think you need to worry at all.
Good job! :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Aww. Thank you for your kind review!!!
I\\\'m very glad that you didn\\\'t drown in the amount of fluff I stuffed into that chapter. :) I thought it was appropriate and needed for the type of story i was writing. As I progressed through their lives, I found myself liking seven-year old Teddy the best. :) I do like his little fort line. I\\\'m glad you appreciated the line about his missing teeth. The pink hair was crucial to tie this chapter into the collaboration. I\\\'m not sure if this aspect will re-appear in my Teddy novel (which should be validated in the next two days *eek*) but I\\\'ll seriously consider it. I\\\'ve never really read a Victoire that I truly fell in love with, so I figured I may as well write my own. I have always pictured her as a beautiful girl who\\\'s own beauty usually goes unnoticed by her. She is bossy and slightly spoiled, but she always holds other people\\\'s needs at heart.
I usually have problems staying within one tense. I plan on getting a beta for my next story. :) I am very glad that you can\\\'t really find anything that I am at fault with within this story. Your review was a confidence booster.
-witness Report Review
Hey, I'm here with your review! :)
Ahh, it's based on Wicked. Kind of, haha. Anyway, I love that musical Author's Response: i responded to the full review Report Review
Sophie hates Mara... well, I can't say I'm overly keen on Sophie :P
Teddy's family sounds adorable. I LOVE the way you're writing him. He sounds so much like Remus.
"However, I think you're making a huge mistake not only because Jack is going to grow up, wondering why his father left and if the man in question ever loved him..." - Question. Did Teddy react so strongly to that because he knew about James being the father all along and wanted him to know about Jack, or because Mara is trying to deny Jack of a father much like Teddy hasn't ever known his? Because later on it sounded like the former, when I thought the reason was the latter, haha.
Again, brilliant writing, brilliant characters, brilliant flow, brilliant dialogue... the list could go on, my dear.
JessicaAuthor's Response: Good. You\\\'re not supposed to like Sophie. Mission. accomplished on both parts. I wanted to make Teddy a blend of Remus and Tonks - he\\\'s intelligent and calm, but playful and lighthearted like Tonks.
Actually, it\\\'s a combination of both. He\\\'s looking out for his best friend and Jack at the same time because he doesn\\\'t want Jack to go through life the same way he did - always wondering.
Once more, your review makes me happy. So thank you very much. XD Report Review
Filler kind of chapter? Maybe. Still very entertaining? Most definitely.
JessicaAuthor's Response: You should know by now that I\\\'m pretty much the Queen of Filler Chapters. They happen more often than not, which is a bit unfortunate. But I\\\'m glad you enjoyed! Once again, thanks for the review. Report Review
Holy shizz, for a moment I thought James had figured it out, too. I'm glad he hasn't quite yet, but I can't wait to see what happens when he does!
I apologise for the poor quality of these reviews I've been leaving. It's possibly due to either the fact that I love this so much there's nothing to critique and I'd just end up gushing about how brilliant you are, or that it's currently two in the morning. :)
They'll pick up, I promise :P
JessicaAuthor's Response: Poor quality? Hell, I\\\'m happy to be receiving a review for every chapter! It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that there are actual people who care enough to review this! Report Review
Oh dear. I KNEW from the moment some insanely pretty woman walked in holding Jack she's be James' other-bloody-half. Ah well, at least it'll make for interesting reading :P
I insanely admire how well all of your dialogue seems to flow and how brilliantly everyone is characterised. They all seem so... real and believable. :)
Onward to chapter five :D Or six, if you're counting the prologue. :)Author's Response: I had to shake things up a bit somehow! Besides, I felt that Sophie should be obscenely beautiful, but hateable. Which is why I picked ScarJo for the character image - because I dislike her. And not only because she\\\'s drop dead gorgeous.
Aw, thank you! Dialogue and characterisation are my two biggest concerns, so you\\\'ve stemmed my anxiety for the time being. Report Review
Is it wrong that this chapter was sad, but I still immensely enjoyed reading it?
Everything flowed really well and I could really feel everyone's emotions, particularly Mara's. You're a great character writer, as I love every single one of 'em already.
James. GASP. I love the way you described him, by the way. :) In a way I'm glad that I've found this story so late, as now I can jump straight to the next chapter and the one after, and the one after, and the one after... without any waiting :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: NO, no! That\\\'s good! I want them to be enjoyable regardless! And thank you! That\\\'s one of the biggest compliments a write can receive. Characterisation is always difficult for me, so yay!
Hahaha. I had to go all out. Because he\\\'s James. And I have a thing for men named James Potter. Because they\\\'re just THAT awesome. And hot. XD
Personally? I\\\'m just glad that you\\\'re writing reviews because, well, you\\\'re you and I\\\'ve missed them! Report Review
James doesn't know about his son? Mara and James slept together more than once... argh, this can only lead to bad things! Entertaining things, but bad things nontheless. :P
Ahh, she's Neville's daughter. I've never read a next-gen fic including Neville. :)
I'm so excited to read the rest of this!
JessicaAuthor's Response: Nope, he sure doesn\\\'t. It\\\'s pretty much the whole premise of the story. That and his impending wedding, of course. And when I say they slept together more than once, I mean in the two nights that he was in Panama to see her.
I hadn\\\'t either, which is why I wanted to start writing one. I took some liberties in assuming that he and Hannah had a child.
Thanks once again for the review. Report Review
I love this already. I love Mara already. I love Jack already.
JessicaAuthor's Response: Yay! I\\\'m glad that you like it so far! Thanks for the review. Report Review
How on earth did I only just find this story?!
I loved every one of the 900 and whatever words on the screen. I'd forgotten how much I love your writing. :)
I don't know how long ago you posted this chapter and wrote your author's note, so my squeeing may be a little bit too late and unnecessary now, but here goes anyway. SQUEE, you're re-writing What It Is To Burn?! Please tell me you're still doing that :D
Onto the next chapter of this story, anyway :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: I don\\\'t know, but I\\\'ve been missing your reviews! They always used to make me so happy, so when I saw this one, I squealed at the top of my lungs. So, thank you for that!
About What It Is To Burn re-write. . .unfortunately, that\\\'s been a bit - er - derailed. It\\\'s ongoing, but very slow. As in I\\\'ve only got seven of the original 36 chapters written so. . .yeah, I\\\'ll leave it at that. If you want to see the minor changes I\\\'ve made, just let me know through a PM or something - I believe you have my email address? If not, just ask and you shall receive. Report Review
Me again. :)
This chapter certainly didn't disappoint. It was just as brilliant, if no more so, as your first.
So Harry's ended up in an Orphanage, thinking he's called James? Of anything, I didn't really see that coming, but I love the idea. You've done well with writing him as someone a little different and who has been changed by whatever he went through, but still keeping him Harry-esque.
I love Will already. He seems like such a great character. Gah, I don't know, there's just something about the way you've written him that makes me love him already. :D
The second half of your chapter, with Sirius and Remus, was also wonderful. I think you did very well in showing what Sirius has been going through, and that little flash of madness at the end was brilliant.
Shadows filled up the caverns the Potter family had created inside of his heart. There were moments when he almost dared to be angry at them, but Harry's face would pop into his mind, along with the expression he had worn when he had entered the maze, and it all faded away. - Loved that.
I absolutely adored your characterisation of Remus, too.
He was reminiscent of a handsome sort of thing sitting on a shelf, forgotten and covered with a fine layer of dust. I thought that was beautiful and summed his character up perfectly.
The whole thing, again, was excellent. Your writing, your descriptions, your characterisations, your ideas, everything. I can't wait to read more of this. It's going on my favourites list :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: That means a lot. I know this hasn\\\'t been updated since the Fall, but now that I\\\'m off of school, I\\\'m almost done with the next chapter, and I hope to stick with it. Report Review
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