Thats' not a very HUGE fight with which to end a six year marrage... you might want to beef it out a bit.
And again the whole story in general needs beefing out a bit. A little discription of the rooms they're in or the way the characters look or something - its all very disjointed but could be interesting.
This is the link to the Harry Potter Lexicon that I was talking about before - hp-lexicon.org
It has an excellant search feature whish allows you to enter a characters name (eg Ron Weasley) and you will get their full details. Birthdates, career, children etc.
I hope you find it useful! :)
For Beta readers try - perfectimagination.co.uk
I look forward to seeing how you get on!Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
hmm... way too short of course! lol
And I would re-think 'drowned in flames' if I were you, that's not a good description.
Victiore is Bill and Fleur's daughter. Having her as a twelve year old sister for a baby Rose is a little odd. A ten year gap between children is not that normal, unless there is a second marrage or a lot of infant mortality.
And what does that last bit have to do with the rest of the story? It doesn't really seem to fit.
You have the start of a funny little story here, but you should think about re-working it and beefing it out a bit. And get a Beta reader - they really do make all thet difference!
Good luck with the next one.Author's Response: I really need a beta, but no one will do it. Report Review
Authors notes are best kept together at the begining or end of the chapter as they drtract from the flow of the story.
Also how old is Rose ment to be here? She's still in nappies and has mushed peach for breakfast but can think in grown up terms and eats burgers and chips? These don't really go together and just a little discription of Rose would help a lot.
Once again the lexicon would help with jobs for Ron and Hermione, unless this is AU?Author's Response: l already checked the lexicon, and it just gave me prices for Harry Potter stuff. Report Review
Poor Ron - He's desparate for that Firebolt isn't he! 8)
I'd like to make a couple of comments that are meant constructively and not critically as I'm not the greatest fanfic writer around myself!
In the UK (and in Jo's potterverse) diapers would be nappies and poop would be poo.
Also Rose and Albus were starting Hogwarts at the same time in the epilogue - so Harry would only have two young kids when Rose was a baby.
But hey - Harry might still have been a more hands on dad!
I know how nerve racking posting your first fanfic is so Congratulation on a good start!Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
You want to try to round out the stoy a little more. SOme discription of the characters and locations, it doesn't have to be much but would bring a little colour to what is basically a monolog.
For spells ages dates etc the Harry Potter Lexicon is a very useful site and you really should try to get a beta reader, they're a great help!Author's Response: I've already been to the Lexicon, but thanks for suggesting! Report Review
oh! Is Petunia regretting her treatment of Harry?
Nice little scene when Hermione walks in on the boys, but might I suggest that Ron is very likely to have called Harry a Git at some point. Lol!Author's Response: thanks again!! and yep, petunia is deffinately regretting her treatment of harry... next chapter holds the key to that! lol! and i honestly cant remember half the parts you mention of this story... havent looked at it in a while! bt i think i can add in a 'git' from ron, if i go back to edit!
Another good chapter, but alittle short.
Dudley is funny if predictable and I particularly liked the last paragraph, though you might want to consider retrying it... The sentiment is good but it needs just a little something more.Author's Response: thank you!! i am so glad to read some criticism at last! you see, this was the first fanfic i ever wrote, so has been up for over a year now... i cud do with going over and editing it again, so comments like that will help! thanks!!
Rose ;) Report Review
How have I not read this before??
Or have I and just don't remember! lol!
Anyway, I like ti so far. A good opening chapter.
Poor Harry and Ginny! Poor Vernon - he's not gonna like it!
FirestarburstAuthor's Response: ooohhh!! just noticed i have new reviews on this! yay! havent in a while... i know its all complete and has like over 200 comments, bt i still love to see the number increase, like any sane author! :D so thanks for reviewing, and on more than one chapter! i dont know how you missed it before, bt i dont think you did read it! so im glad you are now, and that you liked the opening!!
Rose :) Report Review
'No I am the greatest Dark wizard of them all !" its like pantomine Hehehe
and a dungeon decorated in green and PINK, i can just see it! Fantastis start! firestarburst Author's Response: lol! ye it is rather like a pantomime! hadnt thought of that before! but it was meant to be funny, so im glad you like it! hehe! ta for the review, and i hope you enjoy the rest of the chapters!
Rose :) Report Review
I like this, it's nicely written and believable.
Good work! Report Review
Cute and sweet and fullly of cookielusiousness!
m! wonder where I can get my hands on fresh baked cookies at 9 40p.m.? You've given me the munchies!
By the way what's happened to 'When character meets acter'?Author's Response: hehe! thanks for the review! glad you liked it!
when character meets actor has been hidden by staff for various reasons :( but i am on the case, and will sort it out as soon as possible!
rose :) Report Review
Oh poor Hermione! That's so sad and so beautiful.
I love the way up wraped that around monents from the books and explained her attration to them both so well, but with out deminishing Harry and Ginny's relationship in any way.
I hope Ron will make her happy.
Author's Response: thank you so much!! i loved this review, it made me feel so satisfied! and thats exactly how i wanted the story to be! especially as im not a harry/hermione shipper, but this was in my head and i had to write it down! so glad you liked it!! oh, and ron will make her very happy, dont worry!
rose :) Report Review
Oh the poor cow! I've often thought that they are the most miss understood of animals. Gentle and good natured, not at all like your Cho!
You wicked thing that was WICKED! ;PAuthor's Response: lol! ur review made me laugh! of course i dont think cows are evil, and i meant no offence to them. i know they are lovely animals! but it is like the word bitch, which actually means a female dog. i have a female dog, and she is anything but a bitch! hehe! so its the wording, not the animal!! lol! and i know you were joking around, i have not taken it seriously (though you have a point!) glad you enjoyed the story!
rose :) Report Review
Hey rosai, I enjoyed this story!
It was almost like the life Harry should have had, where Girls and Quidditch were the most important things. It was cute and funny.
Just one thing... I'd have liked to know what he gave the girls for christmas - even if it was only a box of Honeydurkes chocolates.
I gave it 10/10!Author's Response: hello! thanks for reading! glad you enjoyed the story!
i thought that, for a change, i would forget voldemort and the book cannon, and write a fun romance about harry trying to chose between ginny and cho! glad it worked out fine!
and you are so right! i totally forgot that harry would have had to get the girls presents too! it just didnt cross my mind! stupid harry! how could he be so cruel as to forget to give them something?!
id have thought, though, that harry would have bought cho some pretty jewelery, perhaps a gold snitch necklace. and ginny... he would have got her a box of honeydukes chocolates; hippogriff shaped caramels, and something ordinary but meaningful, like a blue, starry scarf perhaps.
now you've got me imagining! maybe i'll add it into the story at some point...
thanks for the review!
rose :) Report Review
This needs a beta, lots of grammar and spelling mistakes Report Review
Nah. I don't think this one is for me.
Too many errors and an irrate Ron make it hard to read.
Sorry.Author's Response: thank you for being honest and i will try to edit it and make it easier to read Report Review
I don't think I do like this at all.
Also your grammer/spelling need work
Author's Response: thank you for telling me what you think of it and also pointing out my mistakes. Thanx for being honest Report Review
I think I'll wait 'till I've read a bit more to pass judgement, I'm just not sure what I think of this.
Ron beats Hermione? I donno... Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection