Hey there! This is curiosity is not a sin over from the HPFF forums!
Wow I loved this! It's such a rare point of view to read, and I love the way you incorporated Harry Potter, the snitch, the Dark Lord and the Great War all in to a one-shot of this length. Well done on it!
The story summary is great! I love the characterisations and the plot, although I wouldn't say no to reading a bit more about the centaur's father's plight against Voldemort :)
Just one thing which stood out to me really. In the first line of the first paragraph you use the word 'crackled' as the sound the leaves make, and then 'cracked' for a branch breaking in the second paragraph. Whilst the second paragraph is fine, I don't think leave would 'crackle' as much as they would 'crunch'? Not sure, but the word just seems too repetitive too soon, and I know you have a third variation of it near the end of the story :)
Apart from that though, it's a beautifully written fic! The pace is wonderful too, and well done on it :D
Keep it up!Author's Response: Thank you so much for this helpful review! To be honest, I hadn't thought much about the centaur's father's plight against Voldemort, as you put it, but I might add a bit more about that into the story now that you mention it :D As for the crackled vs. crunch vs. cracked thing, augh, I will definitely fix that. Nice catch!
I might be back in your review thread for more if I end up writing any more things like this :P Thank you so much, again, for this awesome review! I'm so glad you enjoyed the fic!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Hey there! curiosity is not a sin here from the HPFF forums. So sorry for the delay with the review - RL got in the way :/
Ahhh I love the artist whose made your banner's graphics :D
This is such a sad story :'( My heart is torn - Hugh is so cute, but I'm such an avid Rose/Scorpius fan too D:
I think your summary can definitely be improved. The grammar for it isn't particularly effective, and you've also put 'hurt' twice in the space of four very short lines which makes it seem a little simple in terms of writing. Maybe a snippet from your story as the summary instead? And congrats on this fic winning first place!
Your writing is beautiful. I love the emotions that you've put in to this character because it makes it so much more real, and I love how torn Hugh is as well.
The song fic was incorporated perfectly in to the one-shot! Well done on it! Very impressive :D I think maybe you should try to reduce how much spacing you have between lines; there seems to be a double 'enter' between each line and it breaks up the fic more than it really needs to :)
Characterisations are great, as is the plot :D 'That horrible woman, that stole away the love of his life.' That line seems a little harsh and ooc to me? :/ Would he refer to his sister as 'that woman' because it essentially makes him an outsider?
But a great fic! A few minor improvements, and you've got something brilliant for your collection :D Keep up the super work!Author's Response: Thank you for your review. To the 'that woman' line: Hugo was feeling hurt, and he felt like she'd just torn him apart. He didn't want to know her as his sister anymore, so this is why it says 'that woman' -sadface- D:
:) I'm glad that you liked it. I'm more of a Hugo/Scorpius fan than ScoRose :D Anyways, thank you so much :) Report Review
Hey there! curiosity is not a sin over from the HPFF forum!
Wow this is written absolutely beautifully. The story, the characterisations, the plots, character building and the tone with which your wrote your one-shot. Absolutely stunning.
As a reader, I felt completely engaged with the plot, and with the characters, and you made me feel sympathy for a character with a negative role which is absolutely wonderful. Your writing is of a very high form, and descriptions too, are beautiful :D
Just one thing to point out for you, if you desperately wanted to try and improve it (and I can't think of many ways you could do that because the one-shot is amazing as it is!).. Maybe try and use some other words instead of the pronoun 'she'? It gets a little repetitive to read, so many switch a few of them to 'the woman' or even using her name?
But a stunning fiction none-the-less, and I'm very pleased to read a story with such a rarely mentioned background :D
Well done on it, and keep it up! :)Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for your incredible and speedy review! This really made my day :)
Thank you! I'm so, so thrilled you liked this. It took me several days to write (Walburga is a stubborn old woman, haha), so I'm glad it all seems fine.
You were? YAY! I find the more disliked characters absolutely fascinating to write. I'm so glad you felt some sympathy towards her! Oh, wow, thank you ever so much..really, that's made me so happy!
I was worried about that, actually. I tried writing it with her name, but it just didn't 'flow', you know? I'll have a read through and try and change a few things to 'the woman' - thanks for pointing that out! :D
Naw, thank you so very much for leaving such an amazing review! Seriously, I'm still in awe, haha :P Thanks again!
-Lizzie ^_^ Report Review
Ooo intriguing first chapter! I love the meeting scene - it always makes me worry about what the whole plan is to be, so the way you set it is great :D Corbin makes me laugh :P I'm interested to see how her and Draco work together when it comes to actual assignment work considering Draco failed his the first time around :D
Great first chapter, and good luck with more! :D
Shona xx Report Review
Hey there! Curiosity is not a sin over from the HPFF forums with a review for you!
Aww I absolutely love the description you've used at the beginning of this fiction. It made the corridor so realistic, and your story summary for it is absolutely breath-taking.
I have to agree; Hermione/Neville is a very bizarre ship to consider, but it's really cute how you managed to write them :) I love Neville more because he seems to canon - almost as though you picked him straight out of JKR's series and stuck him in your fic :)
One thing I think to consider is Hermione's vocal emotions. I know she's in an emotional state and it does tend to unbalance many people, but when she's speaking to Neville, one moment her voice is sharp, then shrill, then she's calm, or quiet, and it just feels like she's flicking between them too much. Just something to consider :)
I know you've also got a kiss scene between the two, but instead of adding description, how about adding more emotion to it? For example, you have "His lips parted and their tongues performed a heated dance as he wound his hands into her hair and pulled her closer to him." Now to that sentence, how about adding that the kiss was a way to make her feel alive, it brought emotions back, that she was pouring everything in to that kiss? Little things like that can have such a dramatic effect, and often adds a new sense of realism to descriptive writing :)
Overall a great fic :) For something that is so difficult to believe, you did a brilliant job of bringing it to life :D
Keep up the fantastic work :)Author's Response: Thank you SO much for such a beautiful review!
yeah, i reread it and i figured hermione's emotions are a bit all over the place; i may have to edit that :D thanks for pointing it out!
good plan, i will edit that kiss scene! i meant it to be brief, because hermione wouldn't cheat on Ron so i didn't want it to be TOO obvious XD but definitely a good point, and when i re-edit, i'll be taking that on board :D
thank you for such a lovely review, and i'm sorry it took me so long to reply! ^^ Report Review
Hey! This is curiosity is not a sin over from the HPFF forums :D
Oh wow this fic is amazing o__o I'm an absolute sucker for a good Dark/Angst fic, and this is written absolutely beautifully. My absolute favourite line was "For the life of me, for all the Black gold in Gringotts, for all the magic in the world, I just couldn’t do it." because gold and magic are two things the magic world see so importantly.
Beautiful banner, and lovely summary as well :) I'm really impressed at how well you've managed to develop your character and show them all through differently through a letter - very well written and characterised :)
The tone you used to write from Regulus' point of view is also brilliant; it carries such an air of finality, and the fact that this story is practically flawless in terms of spell/grammatical errors only makes it that much better.
I can't really think of any critique to give you because I absolutely love it as it is :D
Well done on it! Keep up the awesome work :) Report Review
Hey there! This is curiosity is not a sin over from the HPFF forums!
Have to say, the banner is absolutely adorable, and the story summary is really cute too :D
A lovely one-shot here! The plot for it is great, the characterisations brilliant, and the emotions that you put in to each character really pulls the heartstrings. I'm not one for stories that are purely fluff, but wow, you managed to give me the shivers with this line: "Maybe the other Roofwalker will join her, and they will run together, changing the world side by side. But that’s not where the story ends – the story ends when the Roofwalker is finished walking on the roofs, not when someone else tells them that they are finished."
The flow and pace of the story are also brilliant :D
Just a couple of minor things to point out which are only small typos or grammatical corrections :) You described Bill as a 'Code breaker' as opposed to a 'Curse breaker' and there are tine little things like 'no where' instead of 'nowhere' which ought to read as one word.
Apart from the minor corrections like that, I think it's an absolutely adorable one-shot!
Keep up the beautiful writing! :)Author's Response: Hi! THanks so much!
Shivers, really? wow!
haha code breaker - im so silly! sorry about that! I'll have a look out for tryos!
Aww, thanks again! :D Report Review
Hi! Me again :D
Wow. This fic is absolutely beautiful. I love the devotion that Bella shows towards the Dark Lord, and I absolutely love the way you've wrote Narcissa as well :)
Very interesting plot concept, and I have to say, very much upper class pureblood story, if I've ever read one XD Brilliantly written :) The pace of the story is superb, the scene settings are great, as are the characterisations, and of course, the plot.
Another beautiful one shot, and I've taken to fan-girl'ing over your banner for this story too :D
Keep it up!Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much - this review just made me grin silly when I read it. :D I am so glad you liked this! It was my first time writing both Bellatrix and Narcissa, and so the fact that SOMEONE thinks I got them right makes me sigh in relief!
I love this banner, too - so unique, it always catches my eye when I stak my page. :P Thank you for leaving me such a sweet review - it's sosososo nice of you. :) Report Review
Hey again! Me from the forums ^_^
Aww a fic on Ariana D: I rarely see stories written about rare characters, and when I do, I feel like squishing the writer for making an attempt at it :)
Your summary, I think, should really only have the challenger's penname and a bit about the story :) We know Ariana isn't written about often, so having this in the Author's Note would probably work better (:
Straight off it's easy to see where in the books this story is taking place, and I love how it could be a snippet of canon. The wonderful JKR has left so much for fanfic writers to work with that it thrills me to see aspects being written I would not have thought about before :D
The plot, pace and length are all brilliant - you managed to get so much in a small word count, and at the end of the day, it's so much more about quality than quantity :)
One tip is to reread this chapter and try to combine some of the shorter sentences. You have a lot of them with so many pauses that it almost feels like the full stop is stopping the reader too much. A few commas, some conjoining words, and you'll be all up to scratch in improving the flow.
Ariana is very realistic, and I'm so glad to see that. She's a tough character to write because of her mysterious magical condition, so the way you wrote that is fantastic :D
One other thing is how Albus' spectacles are 'slumped on the end of his long nose' which sounds a little awkward and out of place. Instead of 'slumped', how about 'had slipped down'? :) Just an idea :)
A beautiful viewpoint for a story, and a pleasure to read :)
Well done on it :DAuthor's Response: Thank you for taking the time..I don't think I like this Fanfic much. It was pretty hard. Thank you for your review :) Report Review
Hi! Me again from the forum :D
Let me just say how much I love Scorpius/Rose fics - they're the next generations of Dramione which is my ultimate favourite ship ever :D I'm probably goig to go and read your recently updated one soon actually.. ^_^
It's a good fiction, but I can definitely see where there's a massive difference between this fic and the one I reviewed earlier :p You've improved a LOT so that's brilliant :D
Plot-wise, it's a cute one shot. The ending made me aww and smile goofily to myself :D Good pace for the story too, considering how much you've managed to put in to a one shot, and it's interesting throughout :)
I'm not so sure on how believable it would be considered - I would love to read more of Lily's side of this story to be able to base that off of. How does she feel about the marriage? The sudden change of mind for Scorpius and having such a mild reaction from Rose's father is a little disturbing, in all honesty :p But that said, this was quite some time ago as you've mentioned, and you've improved so much since!
There are several typos throughout the fic, and the one which probably strikes me the most is 'Scorpious' as you've spelt it - which should read 'Scorpius' :D There are a few typos and grammatical errors sprinkled across the chapter such as 'Wines' instead of having the whole word in lower case. A Beta should be able to fix that all up for you though :)
Cute dialogue and interacting between everyone, although I would love a bit more description to the scene setting. What does the attic look like? What's actually there? Why the attic and not somewhere else? Try to keep the five Ws in mind (Who, What, Where, When, Why, and 'How' for an additional bonus :p)
Overall a sweet fic although there is a lot that can be edited with this one which can improve it :)
Keep it up though! Well done :DAuthor's Response: hey again!
thanks for your superb review!!
I'll keep all these in mind when I'm editing!
You totally rock!! and yay for you checking out my dramione!! Thanks a ton!!
You're so awesome!
AD Report Review
Hey! This is curioisty is not a sin from the HPFF forum :D
First off, beautiful banner for the story :) It fits really well, and gives us the impression of reality and fantasy. Your story summary is, to be honest, not seeming to match the level of English you've used for the fic. Your story itself is written in a very high level of English, it's captivating and beautiful, but I don't think the summary does enough justice to it. Maybe think about adding a small bit of your story as the summary instead? :)
I absolutely love the emotion you've put in to Narcissa's character - it makes her so realistic, and the emotion is raw and sweet and makes the reader feel a sense of peace when her world is 'perfect'. And you've brought such an angst to it; the reader can feel the pain when she finds that she has been cheated on again. And with everything piling up, it's lovely to see that she's willing to pull through for her son. Very motherly, and very realistic :)
A couple of small things to point out, firstly about 'not even after completing five years of their marriage.' I think removing the 'completing' will make this sentence work better - complete just seems like a goal or something strenuous, so if it's been as good a marriage for a while, then it works better without :) Also 'She would tell him firmly that she’s keeping the baby' -- I think 'She would tell him firmly that she would be keeping the baby' works better because it goes with the same tense structure as the rest of your story :)
My favourite line had to be 'She had been the reason for its existence, but now it would be the reason for her existence.' It gave me shivers, and I think it's a beautiful line in the story which stood out the most to me because of the emotion and strength you've put through it :)
The plot is brilliant! I love how this is one story which can slip in the HP books and give a greater depth to the characters. Great flow, fantastic character development, and a superb read :D
Keep up the fantastic work!Author's Response: hey there!
Wow! I'm so amazed at your review! Since I opted for "tough", I thought there would be many mistakes and all!!
But you have planted a real big smile on my face with your review!!
Thanks a lot for it!
I give all the credit for the banner to (sol) at TDA. She's incredible =)
I'll edit out the summary for sure. Thanks for the advice, and I'm so over-the-moon that you think my level of English is quite high! =D
Good to see that the emotional feel is brought about nicely! I was a bit worried about Narcissa being unrealistic, but I'm glad it didn't happen that way!
I will edit out and correct the mistakes you pointed out!
Thanks a lot for your wonderful feedback!
AD Report Review
Hi! This is curiosity is not a sin from the HPFF forums!
This fic is absolutely adorable! I love the banner so much; it fits so well with the Weasley family, and the summary is great too :)
Absolutely love the fic itself - it's a very nice piece that fits straight in to the books, and adds a dimension and view to what we've only briefly read in the books :) Great flow, brilliant length, interesting, and it keeps the reader engaged and interested :D
Well done, and good luck with the rest! :)Author's Response: Yay! Thank you so much for the timely review. :) This was way too much fun to write, and I'm looking forward to the next installment.
Thanks for swinging by and leaving such a nice review! Report Review
Hi! It's curiosity is not a sin again from the HPFF forums :D Another great one-shot!
Great story summary here - short and straight to the point to draw the reader in :)
Fantastic start to the fic, for sure. The scream is a great way to startle the reader in to finding out what's happening, so well done on another captivating beginning :D
The plot itself is a lot different than what I would have expected. It's quite unusual how you chose to write with Hannah as one of your main characters, but it's a lovely change to read about a character that isn't often written about ^_^ The idea of her being tortured is something that makes the reader's stomach turn because Hannah's such a sweet character. I think that's the effect you were going for? :) Again, I think what you need with this story is some more detail. Why was Hannah there? You've shown us she's terrified, but how about anything else? Is it mind-numbing fear that stops her blood moving? What about afterwards? Will she ever live past the incident happily, or in fear?
Sirius and Peter interacting was a great bit to add :) It's lovely seeing two of the marauders together, and kind of makes me wistful for all four to be together again XD
Overall a good fiction :) I think with some more detail, and more emotions that the reader can relate to, will make this fic even better :D
Good work, and keep it up!Author's Response: Thank you, again, for taking time out to review this. I'd have to say this one was one of the most fun - and hard at the same time - to write. I was given Hannah and Sirius in a challenge, and to put them in a compartment. It was really hard at first, which is probably why it wasn't very detailed.
I'll definately go through it some time and figure out where to add details. Thank you very much. Report Review
Hey there! This is curiosity is not a sin over from the HPFF forums :D
First off, cute title! Also love the banner, and how quick and to the point the summary is; that makes it very alluring :) Now to the main story.
You said you were concerned about a few things regarding the story. What I'll do is go through the one-shot bit by bit :)
I love how you start the chapter off with dialogue. It instantly brings the reader in to the scene and gets them involved, which is brilliant :D I also really like how it's so obvious who each speaker is, and how each sibling has a different personality.
One thing I will say though that will really help is having some more description in the fic. There is plenty of dialogue, enough general description, but it's quite hard to picture the setting. Maybe add what time of day it is? Why is the younger sibling teaching the older sibling how to talk to girls? Small details which can really help flesh the story out :)
At times, I felt the story moved a little too quickly and seemed rushed (like how Amelia has a sudden mind change), so maybe add a bit more wording or write a bit about her emotions to try and slow it down? :) Just a suggestion :)
The sibling interaction throughout was great. Very cute, very real! I loved how they got along with each other :) The ending though where it's Albus comtemplating Amelia threw me off a bit though, to be honest. Love is quite a strong word for a girl who was barely introduced as a personality itself. It might just be personal taste on realism, but I think maybe a bit more interaction between the two before 'love' would be something to consider :)
As for the cliffehanger; great idea! Keep the readers wanting more and writing a sequel is a wonderful idea (: I loved how you ended it with a question, leaving the reader to try and drill an answer to you, the author.
Great work though, and hope this review helps!Author's Response: Thank you for the review, love :)
I was struggling how to end this fanfic, so that's why it says that he loves her - or maybe he believes in love at first sight :P You never know. :D
I'm really glad that you liked it, means a lot to me that you found it interesting! I'll definately be requesting from you again :) Report Review
Hey there! This is curiosity is not a sin from the HPFF forums ^_^
Have to say, this is the first Andromeda/Ted fic I've read, and I'm quite happy to have done so :D So now..let's start on the review :)
Beautiful banner to start off with; it fits perfectly! As for the story summary, it's okay, but to be perfectly honest, it might be ranging a little too much on the cliche'd side. I can see perfectly where you got it from, but considering this story is written from Andromeda's POV, maybe have the summary adapted to fit what she sees, instead of what Ted thinks? (: Just a light suggestion :)
The beginning of your story is beautiful. The words, the flickering between time zones (the past, present, and hope towards the future) add a sense of realism to the fiction, and it brings the emotions to life. Very dramatic, and a very good writing technique in my opinion.
One thing I think you need to be careful with is the tense you write in. Your first paragraph tense is where the majority of your story fits in, but you occasionally switch to present tense such as in your second paragraph such as 'that this day will end that we will be found' which I think would read better as 'that this day would end and we would be found'. It happens a few times, and is very easy to slip at (I do it a lot too, don't worry!), so just be careful there :)
The plot of the story is lovely. I can see where the romance is, I can feel the love between the two characters, and their happiness causing laughter on their wedding day is adorable. I love the mild angst too, and how their success at bond by marriage means so much. Lovely there.
A tip for you, which was given in a critique to me by someone before, but try to bold your disclaimer and Author's Note. Just makes it stand out a bit more ;)
Overall a very cute fic, pleasant to read, and a lovely experience. With a few minor edits, this is one fantastic fiction you have here :D Keep it up! xxAuthor's Response: Hi! Sorry, Curiosity_is_not_a_sin I'm horrifically bad at responding in a timely manner. Oh yay first Ted/Andromeda! I suggest reading others, since I think mine is dreadful lol. But thanks :P
I totally 100, 000, 000% agree about the summary! I just have no idea what to change it too haha. *ponders*
Oh thanks for the critique about tenses. Whenever I do first person, tenses go haywire for me and I'm not quite sure why haha. And I'm glad that you liked the jumps in time and thought it was dramatic and a good technique :)
Ooff I think this thing is dreadful, but I'm also fairly unfamiliar with Romance writing and think everything is is cliche haha. That being said, I'm glad you enjoyed the piece and I appreciate your tips and critiques a bunch! I'm glad you found this to be a lovely experience, thanks again :)
Please please don't make me wait even longer for an update :( It hurts to wait D: I love this story so so so much. Your style of writing is absolutely amazing, and instead of your writing being purely prose, it's beautifully poetic.
Absolutely wonderful story, and I'm so looking forward to an update! Please don't make me wait even longer! :D
Thank you for the amazing fic :) Report Review
So sad. So cute. So sweet.
I absolutely loved the way that you unfolded the story; it wasn't evident from the start so the build up, when done, shed light on to the whole situation and made me go 'awwh :'('
The interaction between both Blaise and Hermione was so sweet; and the realism was wonderful. I love how something so easy to magically avoid isn't avoided - it makes it much more realistic and down to Earth. Beautiful.
Also I just wanted to say I'm sorry for taking so long in reviewing - November has been catastrophic at uni with exams/assignments all months and basically driving me mad. But I'll definitely be contacting you on the HPFF forums and thank you for taking part!
Great work :DAuthor's Response: Hi!
First off, thank you so much for posting this challenge. Honestly, I don't read any blaise/hermione fics, but for some reason, I loved the entire premise that you presented. and this was my first challenge! I just recently figured out the forums. I have a few novellas/novels that take up most of my time on this sight, but challeges are so fun:)
I'm glad you liked the story! I know it was a bit sad, but the idea came to me and I had to write it.
Don't worry about it! I completely understand, since uni is a large priority:D Exams are the worst!
Again, thanks so much for posting this challenge. And I replyed with a link for the story you can review. I hope you like it:D
-Katie:) Report Review
Well let me start off with saying what a fantastic first chapter! The interaction between Blaise and Hermione is so tasteful and very well kept to canon. I love the loyalty, the inner disgust, the spark of the opposites :D Fantastic to read and I'm thoroughly enjoying it! I look forward to more!
Also let me apologise for the delay in coming to review! November ate me at university and things have been all over the place with exams/assignments D: I will definitely be contacting you over at the HPFF forums and thank you for taking part!
Brilliant chapter :)Author's Response: Thank you so much,
I tried to stick a little to canon to keep it realistic; it's hard since Blaise does have a prejudice against Hermione. But I love this pairing too much. I'm definitely working on a follow-up to this.
And don't apologize for the delay, it happens :)
I'm so happy you enjoyed this. I must thank you for placing such an awesome challenge about these two.
-Reyes91 Report Review
Oh WOW O_O
That was, simply put, absolutely STUNNING. The description was absolutely brilliant, the emotions so real, and it all flowed so well together that it could easily have been a more poetic version of JKR's own writing. Absolutely stunning.
I'm so sorry it took me so long to come here and review; November ate me at uni and everything happened all at once D: But, I will definitely be contacting on the HPFF forums, so look out for a PM!
Definitely favourited this fic! Beautifully written, really touching, and so so SO sweet.
Thank you for taking part in the challenge! :) Report Review
First off, I'm extremely sorry for the delay in coming to drop off a review - university dumped a load of assignments and I've yet to..ermm.. complete them :p
Now for the review:
Well you certainly started off from reviewing with an interesting character. Peter is generally such a minor character, that a lot of his background is left completely open, so it's nice to read what another author feels works well with this. I liked it; I loved how timid and almost fragile he is in comparison to Deora. I love the mild jealousy, and the fear, and it makes him realistic. Also thoroughly enjoyed the sibling relationship with Deora and her brothers.
You've done well in keeping it to one point of view too, although I will say be a little careful with the flow of it. You jump from a family meal to a threatre trip in almost an instant, and then the car pulling back up at home. It can just confuse the reader a little ;)
Characterisation is great, and I'm curious to see how well the two secret friends will be friends - it's a very cute concept by the way, judging by their age :)
As for the emotions, they're good, present. But I think adding a little more depth might make them more realistic. At the moment, you have Deora crying when her father says she can't associate with her best friend. Try to add feeling to that. Why does she feel so hurt? How much does Peter mean to her? How much does it hurt? - Is it a mild pain? Racking guilt?
It's a great prologue though! :) Definitely has great potential, and I'm curious to see how it plays out with the summary.
Keep it up!
Curiosity is not a sinAuthor's Response: Heeyy, don't worry about reviewing late. I totally have trouble with quick reviews... and apparently responses as well. Sorry, hehe.
Erm, thank you so much for taking the time! And also, I'm really glad you enjoyed the friendship between the two and the family dynamics of the Grunnions. I'm also so so very glad that Peter's character came across realistically and yeah, I figured the house to theatre to back was a bit jumpy. I really didn't want to make the Prologue that long so was trying really hard to make it flow from those three settings... Hmm, I'll try to figure out how to fix it while keeping it short and I'll definitely go back and add more depth to their feelings. I've already made a note to do so, but thank you for pointing it out anyways.
Thanks again, hope you keep up with the story! xD Report Review
Well... Hi there! Erm... Momentarily speechless. *breathes*
Okay...Let's start. This is... absolutely breathtaking. The writing, the emotions, the feels and everything about it is incredible. You really have managed to take us right through to Peter's point of view, and dare I say it? I actually feel sorry for him.
His realism to how he feels is completely understandable too, and I love the way that you added in canon to original and completely made it your own.
I'm not much of a fan for a first person written fiction to be honest, but if this wasn't in first person, I don't know how you would have pulled it off so effectively. Simply beautiful.
You've put me in a right pickle though... I just don't know what to critique hahaha Erm... Do you have a banner? I can't see it...But chances are it's my internet since it hates me... But yes, that's a desperate-I'm-still-speechless sort of critique :)
Just keep up the fantastic work - it's lovely to read a less major character with the lead role in a fic :)
Curiosity is not a sinAuthor's Response: Thank you for your lovely review. It made me beyond happy that you were able to feel a bit of sympathy (or at least pity) for Peter. That was definitely the goal. I wanted to explore Peter's character because he fascinates me. How did a kid who was sorted into Gryffindor and accepted as a Marauder turn into the traitor Wormtail?
But anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this review. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. :)
P.S. I do have a banner :P
First of all, let me just say that I got completely pulled in to the story so I had to read all four chapters :p
I'm really liking the story so far :D The initial build up was fantastic because you introduced all the main characters without prolonging the wait and you also really managed to portray the relationship between the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs and all their loyalties together.
Spelling, punctuation and grammar all look awesome to me too! One thing I will say be wary of is the number of times you say "...-said." It can become somewhat irritating if a character is just "saying". Maybe "whisper" or "shout" just adds more to the character's emotion and potentially their depth too :)
Story plot is great ^_^ I love that it's set in 6th year because it allows you to play around with the Triwizard Tournament too ;) What I have noticed though is that a lot of the plot seems to have a line of romance only with the Triwizard along the background. Maybe have something drastic happen in the character's lives? Maybe something forces them to take a different action? ^_^
Also loving the story summary :)
Keep up the awesome work - you've got a great four chapters here!
Curiosity is not a sinAuthor's Response: Thank you SO much. Reviews like yours let me know that I am doing the right thing by writing. (: I can't express how much I appreciate it.
I have the BIGGEST problem with my characters just 'saying' things. I try and make a conscious effort to have them do other things and then I just... forget. So THANK YOU for pointing it out! :D Now I will try even harder to remember...
I'm also struggling with getting the tournament in there, so I know that's something I need to focus on. I keep getting confused because in my later chapters I'm trying to make a better effort to include it and then I read your review and I'm like, "What?" And then I remember - you haven't read the full story! :P
I'm so glad you like it. It's so good for me to hear you got 'sucked in'. XD Thank you oodles for your review, you were a tremendous help! Report Review
Another fantastic, with fantastic description again :D Love it. You have a brilliant pace to the story, and it's good to see it isn't being dragged out and it's lovely to see our lovely Draco enter the picture too.
My comments are very much the same as my previous chapter :) Again, just be careful with Camille because she does seem to have every perfection so far and it can be a little bit irksome to read. I do love the bit where her facade falls though. Shows she isn't all powerful and there is an aspect to her that makes her human. I'd love for you to keep playing on that and building it up :)
Brilliant work so far and keep it up! I'm sure there will be a lot of followers for this one :DAuthor's Response: Yeah, I was dropping a hint there to show she wont always be so in control of herself and I will be working on that part of her character a lot.
Your reviews were a lot nicer than I thought they would be haha, so thank you very much for taking the time. I really appreciate it :) Report Review
I've just read your first chapter and will be reading and reviewing the next in a moment (I never read it all and then review it one by one otherwise the opinion always changes to the initial) :)
First off, I absolutely love your description. It's beautiful, it's soft, it's harsh, it's visible for the reader and that's exactly what you want to give when writing.
The depth at which you managed to stay in Voldemort's POV was amazing. I loved how realistic he was and how much he was stuck to canon despite this all being fanfic. A round of applause for you for that alone :)
For me, the plot development for the first chapter is fantastic. It sets a scene and it flits neatly between different locations to merge them together wonderfully.
I understand you're concerned about how Mary-Sue Camille might become, and I do realise where your concern is coming from. To keep a Veela/part-veela to be remotely human is extremely different as they are half-breeds ;p I think it would be better for Camille to have some negative traits too - she's beautiful and smart. She's witty and caring. She's dark and sly. How about giving her some annoying habits? In a sense it feels really good to give your character a habit that gets on your nerves, as the author. Maybe she bites her nails; symbolically ruining her own beauty and destroying her own 'power' over the male race? Just be careful with how you approach Camille's personality - that said, I have yet to read what happens next :)
Spelling, punctuation and grammar all look brilliant to me! And also loving the story summary - really catchy. Also love the banner :D
I shall be back next chapter!
Curiosity is not a sinAuthor's Response: This is a great review thank you!
I used to really struggle with description so it was the one area I really worked on in the last few years, I'm glad to see it seems to have paid off :)
My biggest pet peeve is seeing Voldemort speaking like a teenage boy so again I'm glad I managed to keep that more realistic.
Camille does have flaws but I didn't want to throw everything into the one chapter, I wanted to make her more complex so instead I'm trying to let it develop over time, we'll see how this goes! I love the idea of biting her nails and the symbolism for it though, that sounds really interesting. But yes, I think Camille may prove to be my biggest challenge with this story.
Again, thank you for the review! Report Review
First of all, let me applaud you for writing such a difficult scene and making it so beautiful :)
You're right; Severus' tale is a sad one with self-doubt and hatred regardless of the truth. And you portrayed his emotions wonderfully. I loved the short sentence structure at the beginning to indicate confusion and chaos in his last moments, and I loved the realistic ending too where he finally lets the grudged hatred drop and remains content with the little he gets offered after the loss of so much. Beautiful.
The story length is fantastic. Any shorter and you wouldn't have got the emotions in well and any longer would have made the impact of the fic less. Spelling and grammar all looks great to me to too :)
One thing I will say be careful with is your point of view :) We're looking at the story through Severus's point of view for most of it, and it seems to flicker to Harry's and Lily's and it can throw the reader off a little bit. Small example "Look...at...me," he whispered. Green eyes found black and Severus, filled with peace and love, finally gave in.". Maybe this should have "black eyes found green" instead - it would make Snape's suffering more evident if he were the one struggling :)
Also just be careful with repetition of a word. You use the word "loathed" a lot and it can make it seem awkward if it's all in one paragraph.
It's a fantastic first story with a great pace, good length, and realism to emotion!
Keep up the fantastic work!
Curiosity is not a sinAuthor's Response: HI!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time you gave to read and review this. That was a very nice thing to say. :D
Ooooh, I'll make sure to change it a bit when I have time. Thank you again for a fantastic review. XD
*does silly little happy dance* Report Review
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