I actually didn't have a problem with Mary before this chapter. I don't know why, but I just didn't. Now, though, I really don't like her. She's corrupting Harry! And her boyfriend died and she's just all over Harry now. I don't like it.
But aside from that, I'm still loving the story! It's amazing and I loved the whole scene with Moody trying to teach Harry the Unforgiveables and how Harry actually performed them. It was really good. You're doing an amazing job of showing how things are going to turn out somewhat the same even though Harry's been gone all these years. Fate just doesn't give up, I guess.
Keep up the great work, love! I can't wait for the next chapter. ^_^
-Alex Report Review
Here with my review, as promised! ^_^
This was a good story for me to curl up in bed and read. It was definitely enjoyable. Marisol was a believable character who had her insecurities and her strengths and I really liked her. James, as well, had a good personality, although at times I felt he was whining just a bit too much for my liking. That's just my opinion, though, I've never been a fan of characters complaining more than necessary, you know?
As an overview, everything seemed to flow rather nicely. Your characters were good, the story line was good, and I kept racing through the chapters, crossing my fingers for Marisol and James. My only complaint would be that it felt somewhat rushed and a little bit forced. James and Marisol started liking each other SO quickly and it just seemed like if you had taken a few more chapters to spread it out over, it would have worked a bit better.
As for the forced parts, it's just the way your sentences flowed, sometimes, particularly in the first few chapters. At least in my mind, it seemed a bit choppy and you chose to tell, more than show, if that makes sense. Like, when you started describing people, I just felt like I was reading a list of their physical traits, rather than imagining what they looked like from detailed description, you know?
Besides that, though, this story was great. Really, I loved it and it was a really nice read. I'm so glad that they ended up together and I'm sure in your sequel you're planning a whole lot for them. ^_^ Wonderful work, dear! Keep it up.
-Alex/renegade on TGSAuthor's Response: Yes, I quite agree that James and Marisol did get together rather fast, but my reason for doing this was because there are plenty of teenagers in real life that are fast to get together. At least that was how it when I was in high school... and some people at college are also quick to get together as well. And as for the choppy sentences and descriptions, I quite agree with you but I just can\\\'t bring myself to edit the first few chapters because I like going back to read them just to see how much I\\\'ve improved in my writing.
Thanks so much for the review, I very much appreciate it! And the sequel only has Marisol and James as minor characters in it as it focuses more on Holden Summers and his quest to find the girl behind the mask that he talked to on New Year\\\'s Eve night at the Potters\\\' masquerade party. Thanks again for reviewing! ;) Report Review
Here to review, as requested! ^_^ I'm so incredibly sorry that it took me so long! School and all has been a bit of a drag. =[
Anyways, onto your story! First off, the spacing was really weird here. Every few paragraphs you'd have extra spaces and it would throw me off. O_o I don't know what's up with that, but I just thought I'd point it out. ^_^
I think you're definitely improving, but you still have some work. Oliver came off as a bit too kind in my opinion. In my mind, at least, he's a Quidditch captain who really doesn't care about anything else but the game. I don't think he would be so concerned for Ellie herself, but rather the fact that she wouldn't be able to play. But I never got that vibe from him, you know?
As for Ellie, I like her, but she could easily become a Mary-Sue. All we see of her is her being stubborn and being irritated by Oliver. I think it might be good to expand on her characteristics and show us some other sides to her, because no one is every snappy and annoyed every single second, you know? If you just tweak her a bit, I think you'll be on the right track for a good, solid character.
The story itself is rather entertaining and I'm enjoying reading it quite a lot. I tend not to read Oliver/OC, so I can't give you feedback on whether I think this is original or not, but it seems like it's off to a great start and I can't wait to see where it goes. Keep up the great work, dear. ^_^
-Alex/renegadeAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing. I really appreciate it! Report Review
*glomps* So I'm finally here to review this. ^_^
I really enjoyed this rewrite of this one-shot. I think you definitely improved it since the last one. The whole fact that Riddle was put down and bullied and generally disliked was really believable and it's a nice new approach to his character.
My only criticism is that there are certain times where your dialogue just didn't flow. At least, in my opinion. Like here: "Well, Tom. Frankly, I couldn't care less if you loved me or not. I don't care what you think about anything. The only reason I knew your name is because everyone talks about you. They say that you don't mean anything here. It wouldn't make a difference to me if you disappeared forever. So take your stalker hormones to someone who will give them back to you." -- That just doesn't seem like something that someone would say, you know? Maybe in narrative, it would be fine, but when it's spoken out loud, it just doesn't work for me.
But besides those few moments where the dialogue is a bit off, I really love this one-shot. And the fact that Riddle stands up for Myrtle... well, I really liked this version of the story, Mids. The ending was absolute brilliance as well. Seriously, I loved it. And you know I'm telling you the complete truth. ^_^ Keep up the great work! You're absolutely amazing. *huggles*Author's Response: Yhey! Thank you! I kind of always pictured Tom to be the misunderstood, bullied type and I'm actually surprised that more authors didn't take this angle with him. Thanks =)
I understand what you mean, to an extent... I think. The dialogue you quoted seems realistic to me, given the time period. I tried to write it differently than I would write teens of Harry's time because it was kind of a while ago. I appreciate the criticism though. Perhaps I just got it wrong XD
I wanted to incorporate the relationship between Myrtle and Riddle because I wanted to connect them somehow. That way, since we know he ends up killing her, there would be an underlying sense of guilt for her. Irony, sort of.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your honesty. =) Report Review
Seriously, this was an amazing one-shot. I've always meant to read your stories and I never got the chance to. But I'm really glad that I started with this one. ^_^ The way that you chose to write this story was extremely original. I don't think I ever would have thought to change up the order. I loved it, though. I read it both the way it was intended and then I went back and read it in the correct chronological order and I loved both ways. It really made me appreciate the story so much more. ^_^
The thing that struck me most about this story was that there really was no happy ending or grand final scene or anything of the sort. It was simply real. It was written beautifully, there's no doubt about that, and the writing itself was amazing, but there was nothing special about the events themselves in this story. (A good thing, in this case. =P) And that's what made it so great. You took insignificant events and weaved them together to create a beautiful story.
In all the Tonks/Remus stories that I've read, I've always felt like something was missing, but I always assumed that I would just have to deal with it and no one was going to capture this ship the way I wanted them to. You've proven me wrong. This is officially my all time favorite Remus & Tonks story. *applauds you* You did an absolutely amazing job with this story. I honestly don't know what else to say. I'm so glad I saw you posting around TGS, because otherwise I'm afraid I would have missed out on this awesome one-shot.
My favorite line: "What was she supposed to do? This was not the sort of thing she was trained for." Just a simple little line, but I loved it. It really shows that Tonks has no idea what she's doing when it comes to love. ^_^
10/10. I absolutely loved it. ^_^
-Alex (renegade on TGS)Author's Response: Wow back to you. :P This is quite a review! Thanks for taking the time to be so detailed. :D
The changing of the order happened accidentally. It was originally continuous, with the parts in the same order as they are now, but without the flashback. But when I looked back into HBP for help, I realised that I had it out of order - Remus and Tonks talked about Sirius's death not long after it occurred, so those two scenes had to become flashbacks. I'm quite pleased that this mistake turned into something people liked. ^_^
As for happy endings, or the lack of them, that's my own problem as a writer. I seem incapable of making my characters end stories happily. And when I do, it usually sounds fake (to me, at least). :P It's quite sad. Good to know that it worked for this story - I did try to make the ending less depressing (because it was even depressing me. It was initially going to end with his flat-out rejection of her). Anyway, it didn't seem to me that neither character was really able to make a sweepingly romantic ending happen. They're so mismatched and awkward, which is at once sweet, but also keeps them from finding perfect harmony with one another.
Haha, if it helps, I wrote this partly because I couldn't find many Remus/Tonks stories that really satisfied me. It's fantastic that this one was the right one for you, and I'm really really glad that you enjoyed reading it. Wow, your favourite! *dances* Thank you so much for taking the time to read, review, and most importantly, enjoy. ^_^ Report Review
Haha. I love how all the adults so easily understand that Teddy likes Dom, but Teddy himself can't seem to figure it out. And then Bill is just oblivious 'cause he wants no one near his daughters. =P Another great chapter, here. I love it. Again, I think a bit more description could be added in the parts where there's just a bunch of dialogue, but it's nothing too major.
I'm really excited to see where this story goes! Let me know when it's updated, okay? *glomps* Keep up the wonderful writing. ^_^Author's Response: Well, either the men are wrong or Teddy just hasn't come to terms with it yet, the drama, Lol. Dad's do tend to be on the protective side, don't they? And I don't think Bill would be any different with his part Veelas. Yes, I'll be working on the dialogue bits, because this chapter is still to be beta'd. Your praise and your CC are so helpful and I really appreciate your reviews ^_^.
There's a while to go yet, but hopefully you'll read the whole way! I updated two days ago, so I'll go and PM you now, my dear. Thanks so much for your amazing fantasmical reviews! *glompage* Report Review
Aw, overprotective Teddy! Haha. =P I really am enjoying this story, Jane. The characters you've created here are really amazing and I feel like I'm there with them. ^_^ My only criticism would be that there are parts where there's a whole bunch of dialogue and no description at all. I don't think a lot of description is needed, but a little bit more would be beneficial to the story, in my opinion. ^_^
Besides that, it's wonderful! Teddy is still confusing me, Dom and Adam made me go "aw!" and Victoire just doesn't get my support. =P Keep up the great work, dear! *huggles*Author's Response: That is really one of the biggest compliments you could have given me! I do try to make my characters easy to relate to and I'm glad that you think they are. I understand that completely, it's something that my beta has pointed out to me and as I am having my chapters edited I plan on adding some in ^_^.
Ahhh! Thanks you so much again. Teddy is a complicated bloke, and I agree Dom and Adam are both sweethearts, but that isn't how Teddy sees it. And as for Victoire, just wait and see, maybe she'll grow on you ^_^. *huggles alex back* Report Review
Okay, so I am right with Dom and am thoroughly confused about Teddy at the moment. But I suppose that's what you wanted, yes? =P The boy says he doesn't like Victoire, but all signs point towards the fact that he does. *sigh* I can only wait to see where this goes, but I am the newest cheerleader for Dom & Teddy. ^_^ Dom/Teddy for the win! =P
Anyways, nice chapter. I loved it. I'm going to say it again: it's super nice to read a love triangle story that isn't insanely depressing. =P It makes me a very happy reader. haha. Keep up the great work! ^_^ *skips off to the next chapter*Author's Response: You shall be confused for a while yet, the plot can only thicken, Lol. Woo! Dom and Teddy fan alert, if you want some good recommendations for these two, then I'm your girl. But, you never know what could happen in this fic... =P
Thanks so much! Your reviews really make me smile, for this fic I had to pull myself out of the good old thing they call depression in writing, Lol. *skips off to next review* Report Review
You've made me smile, Jane, and considering my sick condition at the moment, that's an accomplishment. ^_^ I've been sitting here all day reading this terribly sad and depressing stories and then I decided to read yours and I was happily surprised with it. Most Dom/Teddy/Victoire fics are all angst and depressing and full of unrequited love and all that, but this one started off differently. And I must say, it's rather refreshing. ^_^
I really loved Dom and Molly's interaction--it was rather amusing. I have no idea where you're going with the whole Teddy/Victoire thing, but I'm very interested to see why Victoire was acting like that. I haven't read Persuasion yet... it's sitting on my table just waiting for me to pick it up, so I can't really guess accordingly. Darn. =P But I suppose I'll just keep reading and see where it goes. ^_^
Teddy's line at the end was great, also. He's different than the Teddy I normally read, but I like him. I think that you took characters and a plot that are rather overused and you've started off in a completely different way than most stories. *applauds* I really enjoyed reading this and I'm continuing on to read the rest of the chapters now. ^_^Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad that I got a smile out of you! Yes, sad and depressing fics are usually the ones labelled must-read, but I completely agree that they can get waay too heavy and all you need a little bit of romance or humour to break it up. There shall be no angsty depression here, if I can help it, Lol.
I decided to go for a Molly that was not like Percy, because in this story there's enough of my ridiculous form of Percy to go around! So, therefore why shouldn't she and Dom be able to get along? They're a lot of fun together. Also, reading persuasion probably wouldn't help you, at this moment Vic is just an OTT version of a character in it, but I do suggest reading it because it's one of my very favourite Austen novels.
Teddy is the love of my life (mainly because he's Remus' son)! I'd be interested to know what the Teddy you normally read is like because, despite my love for him, I've only really read two long fics where he reoccurs; Still Delicate and Colour My World. I've managed to steer away from other love triangle fics and I'm sooo thrilled that you think this is a fresh take on an old plot! I just couldn't resist writing these three.
Thanks so much for the review it truly was wonderful ^_^. Report Review
Okay, back again. ^_^
I don't think it's Casey that you need to be worrying about too much, actually. I mean, there are a few things you could work on to improve her and make her a more complete character (I'll get to that later in the review), but my main concern for this chapter was Doug and Sirius. I think you rushed into things here, so what could have been an interesting twist just popped up out of nowhere. As I was reading this, I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling that it really didn't flow with the rest of the story so far.
I think if you took it slower, introduced Doug more as his own character and let the readers decide what they thought about him, rather than just taking Casey's word and never really reading him until after she says yes to his date. The way you did it, I feel like I haven't connected with him at all and you want your readers to connect with a character, even if they're a bad character, you know? It'll make the story more complete.
You're headed in the right direction with Sirius and when he first came into this chapter, I thought you were doing pretty well. But as soon as he and Casey both started to get into an argument about Doug, the believability was lost. At least, for me it was. Sirius seemed too nosy and he was pushing a subject with a girl that he really doesn't know. I think if you had stopped that little dispute when Sirius says, "He wants you," it would have been more effective. In my very humble opinion, at least. =P
I understand that you want to get the story off and running and that this chapter was just a filler chapter as it was, but I still think you could have split this into two chapters. You don't have to necessarily devote each chapter to a certain subject, you know? You can incorporate the plot with Doug into the plot with Remus & Sirius and that way they all work together to bring you towards your end goal. ^_^
I've decided that when it comes to descriptions, you're fine. After all, this is written in first person and often times it's hard to write descriptively that way, because most people don't start rambling off about the setting and all that. =P So don't worry about adding more description, just write what feels right and don't force anything. =]
Your grammar errors have gone down considerably and I see that you had a beta for this chapter! *thumbs up* Betas are absolutely wonderful. ^_^ There was just one thing that stood out to me most and I had to re-read it twice to figure out who was saying it:
"Well I didn't ask for your opinion," I snapped, but automatically felt bad for being mean.
"Sorry. I just… It's just rare for someone to like me let alone want me."
^There, you should have that all one paragraph. Because when you start a new paragraph of dialogue, it generally means that a new person is speaking. Which confused me when I was reading this, because I was like, why is Sirius saying sorry? =P Just thought I'd point that out for future reference. ^_^
So overall, just don't rush things and take a step back and look at your characterizations. Remus and Casey are just fine (which is good since they're the main ones =P), but people like Sirius and Doug--and any other character in the future--just need a little bit of tweaking. Your dialogue is really good, also, but at times it just seems a bit forced. My advice for making sure nothing is off in dialogue is re-reading it to yourself and ask yourself, would someone actually say this out loud? There were a couple of lines between Sirius, Casey, and Doug that I really doubted the realism of the words. Because in my honest opinion, no one out right says (after only a week of knowing the girl), "I just want you all to myself. I don't want to share. I want you to be mine." Make sense?
I wish you the best of luck with the rest of this story! I'm sure it'll turn out wonderfully. And I'm glad that these reviews have helped you. Keep up the good work! ^_^ Report Review
Okay, here to read another chapter, 'cause I didn't get around to it yesterday. ^_^
Once again, I'm skipping over the grammar errors, because when you get a beta, they'll take care of that. So with that part of the review out of the way, I can go on to look at the characters. ^_^
You're definitely on the right track with Casey. In the beginning, though, it seems a bit off to me. Maybe it's just my personal opinion, but I think I would have preferred to have one whole chapter of Dead Casey talking to us and then just continue on with the story without her commentary there. *shrugs* It seems to break up the story to me and you're explaining things that would be better explained if you just wrote them out. Does that make sense? My apologies if I'm just rambling. =P
The interaction between Remus & Casey was well written, for sure. I think you really have a good grasp of Remus's character personality-wise. For example, when he insists on paying her back, that was a very Remus moment for me. So good job on that.
The only thing that I'm a bit hesitant about accepting is that Remus is so good looking. I mean, sure, he was probably handsome, but you continue to repeat over and over again that he's pretty much the most drop dead gorgeous guy ever known to earth, and that just seems a bit out of place, you know? It's fine for Casey to be attracted to him and to think he's good-looking, for sure, but just don't over do it, 'cause then the readers get bored and are like, "We get that she thinks he's hot. Can we move on?" And you don't want readers to get bored. =P
Casey's dad amuses me. And the fact that there really was no one else in the cafe but her dad and her brother are so annoyed with her was a nice touch. Things like that, which are subtle, really add to the characters, in my opinion. It shows that her dad & brother have no tolerance for her socializing and think she should be working all the time. And when it's written in a way that's not stated, but rather implied, that's when you know you're getting somewhere. ^_^
I keep going back and forth on whether or not I think there should be more description. Of course, I'm a huge fan of tons of description, but it also depends on the story. I think you're doing a nice job with dialogue, so you don't need to worry yourself too much about description. But if you are looking for help in that way, I would suggest just describing some more emotion, rather than appearances, you know? *shrugs* I'll get back to you on this one in my next review when I have a better opinion! =P
You're doing a very nice job so far, dear. Keep up the good work. ^_^Author's Response: Goodness, I love how specific your reviews are! You're just fantastic, aren't you? I'm actually planning on going somewhere with the thinking Remus is so gorgeous thing. What goes up, must come down, correct? Muahaha.
I'm glad you liked Casey's dad and brother XD They're basically like my dad and my youngest older brother. Heh. Report Review
Oh, wow. I absolutely loved this.
I was a bit hesitant at first, since generally I'm not a fan of Draco stories, but you changed my mind about this one. It was beautifully written and extremely sad. It left me feeling empty inside (a good thing, in this case =P) and I really felt sorry for Astoria. You did a perfect job of subtly hinting at the life that she and Draco shared after he started drinking, but you didn't have to go into detail about it. It was just left up to the reader to determine and I really love those kinds of stories.
The last line of this story was amazing. I can't think of a better way that you could have finished this. ^_^ It was perfect. This one-shot was a really enjoyable (although, sad) read and I'm really glad that I took the time to read this, because it really was worth it. I plan on reading more of your work in the future, for sure. Amazing job, dear! ^_^
-Alex (renegade on TGS ^_^)Author's Response: Aw, thanks!
I'm not a huge fan of Draco stories either, mainly because I haven't found someone who's written a convincing Draco, so I decided to see if I could. I'm glad you enjoyed this, and the last line specifically, I've received mixed feedback on that so I'm happy to hear another vote to keep it.
Thanks so much for this review, it's lovely, really. Now I'm going to be smiling all evening :P
~Mac Report Review
Wow. I've been meaning to read "We Gryffies" for some time now, but kept putting it off due to the length. And then I saw this pop up in the recently added stories and I decided that it was definitely time I read something of yours. And I must say, I'm absolutely thrilled that I did. ^_^ I understand that this is only the first chapter of this story, and really just an introductory one at that, but I think it's brilliant.
Not only did you capture the era amazingly, but your characterizations blew me away. I really felt like I was sitting next to Albus and Madam Bagshot, listening in on their conversation. They came alive in my head and you managed to do that in one chapter alone. It was amazing.
I don't know what exactly it is that's making me already in love with this story, but you managed to do it. I cannot wait till the story really kicks off. This chapter alone was amazing and nothing really happened. =P I can't wait to see where you go with the rest of the story and I'll definitely be here to read each and every chapter as they're updated. =]
I generally write more structured reviews than this, but I have no criticism for you. Honestly. And I think this chapter deserves to be praised more than anything, so that's just what I'm doing. =P It was brilliant, I loved it, end of story. ^_^ I'm adding this to my favorites, for sure. Excellent job! Please, keep up the amazing work, dear. ^_^
-AlexAuthor's Response: Oh my goodness... Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoy the story so far - I'm a huge Dumbledore fan (as you might imagine =P) and the story of his and Grindelwald's friendship is the most compelling to me in terms of "uncharted" canon waters that are ripe for fanfiction.
Haha, nothing did happen in this chapter, but I hope it's appropriate for a prologue and, let's face it, Albus's life was probably really boring until Gellert came along. Things will pick up, of course, and I'm very excited for when they do.
Again, thank you so much for your kind words. You've made my day! =D Report Review
Shelby! *glomps* I'm going to start off by applauding you for your brilliance. Not only is this an original piece of work that really moved me, but you wrote it in 900 words, which is truly remarkable. Most authors have to write long one-shots to get across the point they want, but you were able to do it in half the words most people use. *applauds*
I really liked this one-shot. You took a really hard subject to write about and you wrote it amazingly. The subtleties that were hidden in your writing are great, your characters are great, and absolutely nothing in this story felt forced. For the few minutes I was reading this, I really felt as if I was there in the story with them, and I had a really great visual the whole time, courtesy to your words.
I have to say that I enjoyed this story more than your last. (Not to say the other one wasn't fabulous. =P) There was just something about this that really drew me in and made me want to read more. You're absolutely brilliant, dear, and I hope I can have the time to read more stories of yours soon! ^_^Author's Response: -squish- Thanks for dropping by!
Oh yay, it makes me most happy that you approve of the length. I was so worried that 900 words wasn't enough, but I can see that I have done pretty good!
Thank you so, so much! I'm just in awe that you liked it, really! It amazes me every time that someone tells me they like something that I wrote ^_^
Thank you so, so much, I don't even know what to say! Thanks! -squish- Report Review
Here to review, as requested. Sorry it took so long, dear! =P
I absolutely loved how this story was written. It was done just right so that you might be able to guess who the characters were, but at the same time, it could be left up to the reader (if they didn't read the story description). It really makes the reader think and try to guess who it is. I loved it. ^_^
The whole idea of what happens beyond the veil is very mysterious and no one will ever really know what exactly takes place there, but I think your idea here is terrific.
Really, this story is great, Shelby. I don't know what else to say. You wrote a wonderful piece of work here and I hope to read more from you in the future. Keep up the excellent work, dear! ^_^Author's Response: Hello Alex! *glomp*
I'm glad that you liked this! I have to say that it is not one of my best pieces, so I'm definitely glad you liked it!
I thought of the idea for this story in, like, the middle of the night. So, your approval makes me oh so happy ^_^
Thank you so, so much for your awesome review!
Shelby Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter, Drue. It still gave us information and it still kept the story moving along, but it was also a nice little break from all the heavy stuff. I don't know if they would have all been that carefree, exactly, but I suppose for an hour or so they could be. ^_^
What I really like is that you're showing that even though Harry was brought up completely different, some things were just always meant to be. Like his quidditch, he was born to be a good player. I thought that was a really nice touch and even though Harry's just having fun for the majority of this chapter, it really connected this chapter to the rest of the story in its own way.
As for the end, I don't know how I feel about Harry and Mary yet. I'll have to wait before I can give my judgement on them. As it is, I really liked how you wrote them together and the last line of this chapter was absolutely wonderful. =]
Great chapter, dear! Keep up the amazing work and feel free to request for more reviews! ^_^ Report Review
Here to continue reviewing, Drue, despite the long time span between them. =P
First off, I just wanted to mention this sentence: "Their tension made me even less comfortable." The "me" should be "him" because it's narrative not dialogue. I just wanted to point that one out for you. ^_^
And now on to my praise for this chapter. It was absolutely wonderful! I think you really have a good grasp on Sirius's character, who tends to say more than anyone else wants him to, and Remus and Lily seem very real as well. I love the way the three of them react to each other.
There are parts here and there where the dialogue doesn't quite seem like real dialogue, though. Just a bit too formal for what I think Harry would be saying and then when Lily is telling James about the Protectors, it just seemed a tiny bit off. But it's nothing big; it's just me being nit-picky. =P
I can't believe James picked Claire, though! I really can't seem to understand that man. But I suppose I just need to keep reading and eventually everything will play out. =P *still rooting for Claire & Carter , Lily & James*
Another great chapter, dear! I can't wait to read more! ^_^ Report Review
Hello, dear! I'm so glad you stopped by and let me know that this was updated, even if it's taken me a while to get over here. =P Sorry about that! But I'm here now and reviewing and I must say that you definitely didn't disappoint. =]
Usually I would say that too much explanation at once is boring, but somehow I wasn't bored at all while I was reading through James's long winded explanation. I think the use of the flashback was very effective and helped break it up rather nicely. The plan seems a bit too elaborate for me, but at the same time, I suppose I can see where James is coming from. =]
When Claire freaks out and tells James to leave, I was sooo mad at her! But then James came back and flipped out on her for being pregnant and I just loved how you were able to show that they both made huge mistakes and how both of them just get at the other. But James leaving Claire (at least for the time being =P), means he's going to have a better chance with Lily, which means that I'm crossing my fingers! Hehe.
As for Harry going to find Remus and co. I was really excited to read that. Finally, he gets to meet the people he should have known all along! And his reunion at the very end of this chapter with Lily was great.
Really, you're outdoing yourself, dear. I can't find anything to criticize at all. You're amazing, the story's amazing, just keep up the great work and I can't wait to see where this goes! ^_^Author's Response: Eeep! Thank you so much, Alex! Your input has really helped me! I hope this turns out how you like! I can't wait to see what you think of the rest!
-Drue Report Review
Here to review, as requested! ^_^
I must say, this was a nice little chapter for the start of this story. I really liked how you had them meet under every day circumstances. Too often people try to have their main characters meet in some amazing scenario, but this way makes it much more believable. I thought the flashbacks were really good and I think that you have set the tone for the story rather well.
As far as characterizations go, I think you have Lily (and the small part of James, so far) down pretty well. It really sounds like them and I have no criticism there. Where Severus is concerned, though, there were parts that made me feel like it just wasn't him. He seemed to nice overall, too polite and civil. He just found out Lily and James got married, I don't think he would be taking it so well. But that's just my opinion, to do what you wish with it. ^_^
Overall, you have a great start to a new story. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of it! It's sure to be a wonderful read. ^_^
-AlexAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing. =) I was more worried about Severus and how he was reacting than Lily, probably in part due to the fact that you can't see his thoughts and just generally how he is such a complicated character. I'm glad you enjoyed it so far. Thanks again! =) Report Review
Here to review, as requested! ^_^
I really enjoyed reading your Narcissa here. I think you had a very nice grasp on her as a character, as well as taking some creative license and spinning her into your own version of her. Very nicely done. The air around her just seemed perfect and you had the whole pureblood supremacy emotion down perfectly.
Your descriptions in the beginning were wonderful. Really, I was drawn in from the moment I started reading this and I just read straight through without letting anyone distract me. You really did a great job on keeping the flow of the story continuing on and I didn't feel like anything was forced here. *applauds*
My only criticism is of Draco and Lucius. You put so much development into Narcissa and then I felt like I was let down with these two. Draco was somewhat believable, even if he was a bit on the soft side for my taste. (But that may just be my personal opinion, as well.) But Lucius... I don't know. It just seemed all so sudden, him forgiving Narcissa. Again, it could just be my strong opinion, but I think that he was too accepting for a man in his position. I just don't see him ever apologizing.
Besides that, though, wonderful story! I'm so glad you stopped by my thread, this was a great read! Amazing work, dear. ^_^
-AlexAuthor's Response: Narcissa was a surprisingly intriguing character to explore. To be honest, I never really thought much of her before DH. After I read her major scene in DH, I was completely gobsmacked. It just added a whole nother layer to her I didn't know existed. I'm beyond thrilled and relieved that her character came across the way I wanted.
Oh wow, you have no idea how much that praise means to me! Description is by no means my strongest suit. It's a constant uphill battle to get it right so it's a great relief to hear that you enjoyed it that much. *blush*
Fair point. You're not the first reviewer to mention it so it's alright :). I'm not as satisfied with their characterisation as I am with Narcissa's. It was tricky to write them, I can't lie. Draco was meant to be depicted as more reserved and withdrawn and I guess the romantic in me wanted for there to be a happy ending for the Malfoys.
Thank you so much for the wonderful constructive criticsm, I greatly appreciate it!
~Misty Report Review
I think everything I read of yours just keeps getting better and better, Mids. If I was someone who cried when I read things, I'm pretty sure I would be in tears now. As it is, you managed to make me extremely sad. (Which is all very good, for this story. =P) And that's an accomplishment, since I really don't get emotional over stories. *applaud*
Now, I'm also not a fan of song-fics (I think they're just cheating, sometimes) but this was... wonderful. Perfect. The use of the song lyrics weren't to say something that you couldn't say as an author, but rather to emphasize what you had already said. And they fit perfectly. It wasn't forced, it didn't make me raise an eyebrow in confusion, they just flowed, as if the lyrics were truly just a part of the story.
I really loved this story. Honestly, I think this is your best work so far. (That I've read, at least.) And the ending was bittersweet, which you know I'm a fan of. ^_^ Even though I was rooting for Teddy to stay alive the whole time. I mean, I knew that he was going to die, but you still managed to make me surprised (in a way) when I read it. Needless to say, I never gave up hope on Teddy until those two soldiers came in and told Victoire the news.
Wonderful job, buddy! Seriously. You. Are. Amazing. In a simple one-shot, you've managed to write a story that completely enthralled me. The feelings you conveyed in this one-shot would take other authors several chapters to pull off successfully. And you know that I'm not just saying this. I'm always honest with you. ^_^ This is brilliant. I absolutely adored it.
-Alex (You get a 10/10, for sure.) ^_^Author's Response: Buddy! Thank you! Well, it's a good thing you didn't cry. I would feel guilty if I made you cry =P But I'm glad you liked it.
That's a good point about songfics being cheating. I never really thought of them that way but that is a very valid point. But thank you. I'm glad to know they worked well =)
XD I know you like the bittersweet. I understand what you mean about rooting for Teddy. But even if I wanted to keep him alive, my interpretation of the lyrics wouldn't allow it.
Thank you! -huggle- You have no idea how happy this has made me. I really appreciate it, buddy ♥ Report Review
Here to review, as requested! ^_^
So I must say that you've got an interesting idea here. Although, I don't quite understand it all. If Andraste could just kill Voldemort, then was there really any reason to kidnap Harry? But perhaps there's a reason that I'll just have to find out later. =P But from this chapter, that's what confused me.
And everything seemed to just flow a bit too perfectly. I mean, Andraste is really close to being a total Mary-Sue, in the sense that nothing ever goes wrong for her. She's the Dark Lord's most trusted servant, second-in-command, yet he never knew that she was working for the Order? And she was the "other" Marauder and all that and... I don't know. She just seems to have everything go perfectly for her without any struggles, so I'd be careful about that.
There were a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. One specific spelling example was that prophecy is spelled with a "c" not an "s." But nothing too significant, it might just be me who sees all this grammar stuff all the time. =P
But overall, it's a really interesting idea. And aside from everything running smoothly for Andraste, I think she has a lot of potential as a character. That little paragraph that came after the opening of this chapter was great. I think it really captured her personality, at least for me. So good job on that! Just work on developing her a little more so that she doesn't just walk through life without any problems, you know?
Great job, dear. I hope you don't take anything above the wrong way. I'm just giving you my suggestions. =] I think this story has really great potential. There's just a couple things you could work on a bit. Keep up the good work, though, dear. ^_^
-AlexAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I know that it was a bit confusing and that Andraste did pretty much whatever she wanted in this chapter but that will be explained. Thanks for picking up on the spelling too, I'll fix that asap! Report Review
Okay, so I really loved the action scenes in this chapter. You did a really good job on that. ^_^ And Bellatrix... =] I love her. And you wrote her well, so I applaud you. All the Death Eaters were written quite well, actually. There's quite a lot of dialogue, I must admit. In both this chapter and the previous chapter. Perhaps break it up with some more details? Thoughts, feelings, actions. It'll make your story much more balanced. Oh! And, of course, I loved Jack and Phil the whole time.=]
Now, with that said, Phil just seems to be a bit too perfect. He can do everything, he can dodge Unforgiveable Curses, he isn't even of age and he got away from three Death Eaters. And he's already passed all his classes at his school? It just seems like too much, unless you have a really good reason as to why. I would just be careful to make sure that he doesn't fall into the Gary-Stu category, simply because he can do everything without a problem.
I absolutely loved the last scene, though! Professor Piper reminds me very much of Dumbledore, though, and I don't know if you were going for that or not. But that scene was great and I think I actually liked it better than the action scenes. *shrugs* I think it really showed the characters well and it made me smile. =]
Great job so far, dear! You've definitely got the start of a nice story here. Good luck with the rest of your story! ^_^
-AlexAuthor's Response: You're the first person who wanted detail over dialouge! Now I don't know what to do.
Obviously the Gary Stu issue is a big concern, so I'm going to try hard to keep him imperfect. But there is a reason he gets more down in school than others, but that comes later on.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Here to review, as requested! ^_^
Okay, so this was interesting. Definitely a new idea, I'll give you that. I really like Jack & Phil's interaction, although it could be improved a tiny bit. You seem to have a good grasp of where you want them to go, but there are times when it was just strictly dialogue and you could have added some description. And there were other times where I felt like the mood was wrong, like where they were talking about the drugs and then they're joking about it. *shrugs* It just seems too serious for them to be joking around. But that's just my opinion.
Besides that, it's a pretty good story. For the first part, I was wondering how you were going to tie this into the world of HP, (besides them being wizards) but then you brought the Death Eaters in (completely unexpected on my part) and I definitely think you're heading in a good direction.
Nice job with this chapter! I'm off to read the next one now! ^_^
-AlexAuthor's Response: I know most people wouldn't joke about drugs like that, but I thought of the "brewing crack in my cauldron" line and I just couldn't help myself! Thanks for the reviews! Report Review
Here to review, as requested! ^_^
So you've got a really interesting idea here and I really enjoyed reading it. But honestly, it was a bit on the short side. I'm not usually someone who looks at the word count to measure a story, but in this case, I think you could have given us some more. The parts that were in here were amazing, really, and your descriptions were beautiful, but we never learned why she killed him, or what exactly happened when he left her to die. You could have definitely expanded on the story.
But I really did enjoy what you had here for us. I only say the above because your story left me wanting more. If you were trying to keep it vague, then I understand that, but your writing was just so good and this story has a lot of potential just from this little piece, that I think you could really have an amazing idea, if you wrote more about it. =] But that's just my opinion.
Aside from all that, I am in love with the way that this is written. I really like your style and I very much enjoyed this. You took a character that so many people have written and you wrote a side to her that I have yet to see. So I applaud you for that. Amazing job! ^_^
-AlexAuthor's Response: Hey! :)
Aha, for the most part most people have agreed with that it's too short and needs more. It's what I intended originally, to leave the reader to draw their own conclusions, but people want answers! :P I shall rewrite this in the future to include some more information, but not much. ;)
I am seriously SO glad you liked the style of the story, I thought it was quite prominent in the writing! I'm glad you like my characterisation too :D
Thank you for such a wonderful review! Report Review
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