This is already in my favorites (well... it's about to be as soon as I finish this review.
“Hermione, please,” he said, exasperatedly. “The trick is up. Everyone’s saying it behind your back: you’re being obnoxious.”
You've got a few grins and here, and over all, it's a great beginning chapter! I enjoyed it immensly!! I'm so excited. You have no idea!!!
I can't wait for your next update. I can tell that this story will be amazing just for this chapter. I'll do my best to give you some PR in my next chapter of 'Pirates'. I should be posting that by sometime before 2-10-09. After all, I did get you into this mess :P Haha. Good luck, and I'll be waiting for an update!
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, Greta! :D
I'm really glad that you liked it! I'm working on the second chapter and it's about halfway done. :]
I'm excited too! Haha
Thanks so much, again. It's ok that you got me involved in this, I'm loving writing it so far.
--Emily Report Review
As always, a wonderful chapter :) I love the part between Blaise and Draco. Both Slytherins kinda having the same problems :) It's great!
10/10 Report Review
:) Ha! I knew you could do it. I love how you portrayed Harry! How he didn't show his feelings on his face. I wish, however, that there was a little more animosity. Slightly. Just a tad :)
Other than that, you're doing wonderfully!!!
I'll be back to review more later :) I need to go study for a chemistry test tomorrow *bites nails*
~gretaAuthor's Response: Good luck on your chem test. I loved chem when I was in school but it was really hard. I think Harry's lack of animosity is explained a bit more later, but I do understand what you mean. I hope that Ginny's obvious dislike makes up for Harry's lack of distaste.
Glad you liked the dialogue, I am eventually going to work on adding a bit more to the first couple of chapters, but right now I am working on another story that I can't seem to get out of my head. Report Review
"She never needed anyone again".
Very great line there. It's so contradictory. Obviously she needs Draco... :) lol. It's just like her too, to try to mix her feelings and logic. The result? Denial :)
Draco was A little too OOC for me here, but it IS a Dramione :) So I'm keeping that in mind.
Really though, I'm really liking your story so far! Grammar and flow is spectacular!!!
As usual :P
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much, I hope Draco makes more sense in the future...I explained a bit previously in my response so I wont go and bore you with a repeat of that.
really glad that you like it though. Report Review
The development is amazing. She's getting 'addicted' and she doesn't even know it. It is a little OOC for Draco to be wanting her so much, though.
You know what I just noticed? There's barely any conversation in your chapters... and it WORKS! Bloody heck, if I could do that and make it work,. well, it'd be GREAT!
The only thing that irks me a little is your format. When you space out the lines with the breaks... it left big big gaps that get slightly annoying as one reads. If you're going to break, break two lines after the last paragraph before you break, and then start the next paragraph after the break right at the break, if that makes sense :) I think that people would take this story alot more seriously if the formatting is better :)
Other than that, another fabulous chapter!!! I like your Draco :)
10/10Author's Response: Yeah I noticed that the formating was a bit messed up from how I had entered it. I am not sure what happened and I have gone back to fix the first chapter twice now.
Yeah Draco is also a bit OOC, but he has been through some stuff as well... I think the challenge of this new Hermione intrigues him, and I think he is a gluton for punishment at this stage and is also trying to prove that he can conquer her
Glad you liked it and I will go back and see what I can do about the spacing again. Report Review
I LOVED this chapter, simply because... well, really, you don't make it cliche at all. It's very interesting because... they're doing stuff, and... it's not... well, I really don't know how to explain it other than to say 'It's not like the other stuff' where they're all mushy. Her indifference... wow. She's drowning in her own memories of the past! In fact, it seems to me like she's a very very deep character. This numbness that she seeks is just the start of it!!!
I want to read more :) So I'm going to? lol.
~GretaAuthor's Response: LOL, YAY so glad that you like it. She is a very messed up person right now, and I imagine that after what she went through sex could not be the same for her, it became not an act of love but almost one of grief, if that makes sense.
Thanks again for reading and I hope that you continue to enjoy. Report Review
Well :) I'm a bit late, sorry :) *smiles sheepishly*
I think this is a very very intersting story from the start! It is different. This Hermione is different than any other hermione than I have read (of course, a little OOC, but you mentioned that) but in a way, her feelings justify her OOC-ness. When in love, the characters change. I don't think that many people realize this, and therefore can Dramione's all the time. This however, is new. I actually enjoyed that the second chapter had... the deed... lol. But see, it wasn't love, it wasn't anything else. It was. nothing.
Needless to say, you have me intruiged. You've portrayed sex as it is: just sex. It doesn't matter who it's with. It's just anther deed to be done. Or so it is in this day and age.
Your grammar and flow is wonderful! :)
You have a great story on your hands!!!
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much, glad that you think so. I hope that you continue to enjoy. No worries, nothing like a good Thursday story to head off the weekend that is coming :) She is OOC, but there is a very very good reason for it, one which wont be revealed until the end but you can maybe guess a bit.
Thanks so much for coming to review :) Report Review
Oh~ This is wonderful!
You had me on it the WHOLE TIME!
Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant!
But I must say, it is one in the morning where i live, and well...
Awesome story! Keep up the great work!
~GretaAuthor's Response: I'm sorry I made you stay up >.<
But on the bright side, I'm super-glad you liked the story enough to! It's only my 2nd completed chaptered fic, so I still have that noob-author pride. =]
Thank you for reviewing, and for the banner!
~CSG Report Review
this seems to be a FANTASTIC story line:)
but I couldn't help but notice that your banner (not to offend) is a bit lacking in marketability? I decided to go out and make you one just for the fun of it, and it can be found right here:
all you have to do is take out all the space :) If you don't like it, you don't have to use it :)
But really, awesome story! I'm looking forward to reading the rest!
~GretaAuthor's Response: Oh WOW, it's beautiful! Thank you so much! I will definitely add it.
Don't worry, you didn't offend AT ALL. I know absolutely nothing about digital imaging or whatever, and it was the best I could do to make one where you could read the words ;)
The next time I need a banner (which will be soon, I'm sure) I hope you don't mind if I pop over to your Meet the Author page (or in a review, if you don't have one).
Thanks again, and for the review! =]
~CSG Report Review
is utterly unbelievable! I'm totaly a fan already! I love how you captured Sirius's personality and character to a T! Brilliant writing, love :)
~waiting for your next update,
GretaAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you so much! Very nice of you to say. :) I'm so happy you like the story so far (and Sirius, lol). Sorry about the wait for the next chapter. I'll try and update asap. Anyways, thank you again Greta! It's much appreciated. :)
~Scrib Report Review
Well, I think that this is going on very well. Loved the last sentence. "But, of course, December knew everything." I think it'd be better if you italicized 'everything.' It would put more emphasis on it.
Well, grammatically, the same things are going on as were in the first chapter, so I really think you should look into a beta, or proofread to make sure you don't err that way again. Usually, what I do, I write the chapter one day, leave it alone, and then proofread the next day, so my eyes are fresh. I push away the fact that I wrote it, and I read it from a readers point of view :)
But really, I really enjoy December, she's a great OC character.
One thing that you should try to improve is description. It would add so much more depth to your story.
Other than that, you're great :)
Thanks for requesting!
(Please, don't be mad. I'm just trying to help :P )Author's Response: Yeah, I need to get better at proofreading myself, especially if I don't get a beta right away. And thank you, I'm glad you enjoy December. I know I need to work on my description. That's one thing I always seem to have trouble with and yet can never seem to make it fully better. And thank you lots.
And thank you for coming to read this. And I'm not mad at all, I understand that you're trying to help and I'm so grateful for it. Report Review
Hi! This is singerhotti24 from the forums, and I am here (obviously :P ) to review your story!
Well, you asked for character developement. I wish that you would describe December for me. As in the first sentence, you could say:
December closed her (insert color) eyes.
But other than that, the characterization is great!
Grammatically, here's what I have to put on the table.
1. You should definintely look into getting a beta. The would fix all the errors that I am about to point out to you.
2. Fix: You use the same key words more than once in a paragraph. Like so:
Example 1 'eyes' : December closed her eyes. She took in deep breaths as she thought of all the many things that would begin in only a few mere seconds. Then it began. A simple picture began to form in her eyes.
instead of using eyes the second time (the last sentence there) you could put:
Then it began. A simple, but clear, picture began to form in her mind.
See? So simple. Example 2: 'around him'
everything around him. Luckily for him, there was nothing around him.
Expand your vocabulary! Change it to this, or something like it:
It seemed as if he wanted to blend into the background, wanted to be hidden from his surroundings.
Luckily for him, there was nothing in a 100 foot radius that could make him stand out.
Or something like that.
Next, the only spelling oddness that I saw was this word: cloche. Do you mean 'Cloak'?:
The man began to move, his black cloche flowing behind him in the wind.
And this last one, flow wise:
He sat down in the old chair, half scared that the chair would break on him.
Whats the other half of the fear? Doesn't make much sense, sorry.
Other than that, the plot seems pretty interesting. I don't mean to be critical, I jsut want to help you out some. A beta could definitely do you some good :) They ould fix errors like that in a heartbeat!
Hopefully this helps :)
I'm off to the next chapter!
~GretaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for that. It did help a lot. I am currently asking for a beta, so I hope that I can get one soon. And thank you so much for pointing out some of the mistakes that I had. And just thank you for coming and reviewing this and pointing out what's good and what could need some work. Report Review
Yes, I will leave a review (and go the extra inch, with the sugar on top :P )
Well, you asked me about the transition. The only rough edge is from chapter one to chapter two. Chapter 3 is guided by your italics. Good job :)
You owe a zillion thanks to your beta's , I do believe that they are the reason (as is your wonderful writing) that I find no way to critique you.
This is great :) I hope the rest of the story continues to be this good :)
~GretaAuthor's Response: Once again, I thank you with all gratitude for your time and effort in reading and posting these reviews. They are deeply appreciated.
You could not be more correct in saying that I owe everything to my betas. Neither of Chapter 2 or 3 would be as successful as it is (whatever that may be), were it not for the efforts of these two wonderful and talented people.
I also hope the rest of the story continues well.
Thank you again, so much.
Bella Report Review
Impeccable chapter :) Just a bit long though.
What I was very happy to see, was that it still had the same elements that the first chapter did, which is excellent.
I have nothing to pick on, which is getting unusual these days :)Author's Response: Again, I thank you for your review. (All the more, since it is indeed a long chapter.) I hope you enjoyed the reading experience. I greatly appreciate your time and willingness to review.
Bella Report Review
I am speechless.
I guess that's why I'm typing, but WOW.
This is so good, it's not even fair. You have such talent in painting pictures with your words, I'm severely jealous.
You asked me if you think going from here to another chapter and continuing the story would be ok.
Darling, the answer is yes!
This first chapter is one of the most powerful 1st chapters I've read in a long time, maybe even ever. The song lyrics actually made it a whole lot stronger, and they fit sooo well.
Congrats :) I am deeply impressed.
~singerhotti24 from the forums.Author's Response: I am deeply grateful for your kind and encouraging review. I am particularly glad that you feel the lyrics worked, as they were rather integral. Thank you so much for taking the time to review.
Bella Report Review
Umm.. I'm kind of suprised that the person who validated your chapter missed the 'or 10 reviews until my update for the last chapter'. You're not allowed to do that, It's in the site rules :)
So watch out for that!
Other than that, I believe that this was a great story ( so far..missing one chapter ;P ) And the plot was just fine. I wish that you would have been just a little more detailed, but hey, it can do without it :)
Great job! And I'm sorry that I couldn't critique more :)
GretaAuthor's Response: That's fine! I'm happy that it was good!
Uh, thank you a lot! I'll change that right away.. Thanks! :) I didn't know it!
Well thanks for all your reivews, thank you and not me! :) Report Review
I did not waltz.
Fabulous. THe famous Malfoy Justification. I love it.
Well, I loved chapter 9, the reminiscing in a story is always interesting, and brings to the reader a point from which they can extract information, and understand the characters better.
Chapter 10 needs no comment. Your editors are doing a fine job, and you've done even better :)
Well, off to the last chapter then!Author's Response: Thanks a lot! :) This review just made me smile.. :D (every review does that , but this one made me smile broad.. HAHA.. ) Report Review
Well, the past few chapters have been entertaining me :)
I don't have much to critique on, so no worries ;) You've gotten better at the describing thing, and depth has increased (but maybe because I'm at chapter 8).
I am slowly falling in love with Draco's character! This is wonderful!
Off to chapter 13 :)
(Sorry, but I don't have time to review each chapter individually :( But I'm hoping you don't mind :) )Author's Response: That's fine! I hadn't expected you to! Hehe..
Thank you a lot! :) I've falled deeply in love with him a long time ago.. hehe.. :) He's mine! :D hahaha.. Thank you! Report Review
,,Iâ€™m fine. Really...
Ok, those two commas in the beginning of each quote is quite irksome, and needs to be fixed. A beta could handle this problem, no sweat. :)
Other than that, everything is going very well with your plot :)
~meAuthor's Response: That's an old mistake that I was told after chapter five.. I've corrected it until that chapter, but it just takes a lot of time.. hehe.. :) Thank you! Report Review
I saw some more of that old Draco that I was seeking, and you did it rather well.
You should put some more depth into your minor characters, like Ginny, and Harry, but that's just me.
The list was fabulous. It's something that I could actaully see in the Malfoy Manor. It was very good.
Other than that, grammar is doing very well, and the plot is fine. I don't see anything that needs fixing :)Author's Response: Thank you.. Well Ginny will obviously get some more depth, but Harry is slowly sliding out actually.. hehe.. Report Review
Damn Gryffindor, always the eternal optimists,.
Oh, that was great :) I loved that. His thoughts are always very amusing. I just wish I could see a little bit of Old Draco in the New one.
The list was very characteristic to him, and it seems liek something that I could imaging the Malfoys actually having in their old home ;) Well spotted.
Well, Thats all I see for this chapter :) I'm off to the next one :)Author's Response: Hahaha, thank you! :) The list was something I'd always thought Lucius would print in the head of his son very early! Report Review
Once again, flawless :) Just some more details would be great :)
Grammar is fine, (and I doubt I'll see anything in the next chapters...so yeah)
Well, off to the next one!Author's Response: Wow, you're the first to tell me that my grammar is fine! :) Hehe..
Thank you! Report Review
Hi! this is singerhotti24 from the forums :)
I'll just get right into it then :)
Plot seems fine to me ;) You're just lacking alot of description and depth in your story, so far. Maybe that will change along the way. Your grammar is fine, but I really really do wish that you would paint pictures with your words. Tell me more about the battle, about how everyone felt when Ron died...
But other than that, so far, everything is good :)
I'm off to the next chapter!Author's Response: As I'm sure you'll notice there come more, but it was just a brief summery about what had happened before.. Hehe.. :9
Thank you! :D I appreiciated your review! Report Review
Hi :) This is Greta (aka) singerhotti24 from the forums, and I am here, belatedly, to review your chapter :)
Firstly, I'd like to say that I am very satisfied with your descriptiness. You painted a picture with your words, and it was very well written. My opinion, fantastic chapter. It has this...underlying dark mood that really intruiged me, and made me want to keep reading. That's great :) The only grammatical error that caught my eye was in your first sentence. :P Here it is:
A tall figure emerged from the darkness into the dimply lit alley leading to a.
It should be 'dimly' not 'dimply'. :) Loved the error though, it made me laugh :)
But, that, I believe, is it. you have a great plot for a story! If the rest of the story is going to be as good as this chapter, then your readers will be pleased :) You'll have them flocking like pink flamingos to a lagood :)
(Sorry that I couldn't be of more critique help. You're just too good :) )
Greta.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing so fast! Wow I really didn't expect it to happen tonight!
Again, I'm glad that people have been finding this story intriguing enough and I hope that the next chapters will mantain the quality. Oh, the error... now that i read it, it's hilarious... I'll just go and have that edited right now:)
Thank you so much Greta, I'm so thrilled that you like it!
Roe Report Review
I have to admit. You are absolutely brilliant! I love this plot, and this story. I have nothing to pick on, and I would say you were perfect, but I do believe I have given your ego enough air :P Great job, and I'm sorry that I can't critique more, but you're absolutely amazing :)
Hope the rest of your story turns out like this! Brillaint job!
~GretaAuthor's Response: Wow! Well I think I would say brilliant was a bit of a stretch but I really appreciate the ego boost! I will definitely let you know when the next chapter is up! Report Review
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