This is a good start. I can't wait to see the other chapters. Two things though. Use more periods instead of commas. A lot of your paragraphs were run on sentences. And capitalize the first letter of every new sentence. Other than that it was good. Kind of cool to read about Molly when I am writing about Lucy, lol. Can't wait to read more!
~Goddess FaithAuthor's Response: thanks for the review and the tips :)
lucy appears in it more as it goes on
-potterfan310 x Report Review
Oh wow. Just wow. I am still bawling my eyes out. That was amazing! Simply amazing! I am a huge Draco/Hermione shipper and I have read so many, but not one came close to that.
Everything about the story was perfect!Author's Response: Aw, thanks for this! This is one of my own favorites so I'm glad you were able to enjoy it! Report Review
Returning your request for a review.
I will start off by saying I love Blaise/Hermione's if they are written right. It is my second favorite ship. This one was written excellent! I loved it! You describe things so well. Something I wish I could do. Your flow was excellent. You seemed to stay on track and not stray when you are talking about a certain thing.
I did notice a few punctuation errors when reading.
"Stepping back I let my eyes trail over my body, I had definately blossomed and developed in all the right places but my skin was stretched tightly over my bones from the lack of appetite I had, in fact I had sat in the Headmistress' office more than once because of not eating enough, obviously I should start listening to her more from my appearance's sake.
^ Run on sentence. The entire paragraph is one sentence. Some of the commas should periods. This was an issue in a few of your paragraphs. Something to look for in a read over before posting next time.
Another thing I noticed, is that you went from first person to third a few times.
" 'What do you want, Zabini?' I asked gruffly, getting frustrated that he was everywhere when all she wanted was silence and to be alone. 'Are you following me?' She asked suspiciously, her eyes narrowing"
That was the first one I saw. At one point you switched to Blaise's POV I think, or it might have just been what Hermione thought he felt. Which is good, just let the be known a bit more.
Okay now that that is out of the way I am giving it a 9/10. Again, I love this story and your writing! It is amazing. I am still crying, lol!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I will definitely go back over it and fix those mistakes! I must of missed that switch from first to third because when I was writing it I kept doing it over and over again. This was the first story I have ever written first person for so it was kind of frustrating but thank you so much for pointing those things out for me!! :)
I'm really glad you enjoyed it I had a blast writing it and I have to admit Hermione/Blaise is my second favorite ship as well! :) You just completely made my day with your review! Thank you so much!! Report Review
I am filling your request for a review.
I will start off by saying this was a really great start. You had a good hook with the scene at the beginning. You did very well to describe everything that was going on and I could imagine everything that was happening perfectly. I did feel a bit confused for a little bit, though, when you began to switch back and forth with the females names and sometimes when you said her or she I wasn't completely sure who you were referring too.
You stayed in character with your canons, which a lot of authors find hard to do. (Me being one of them.) That was very nice to see.
I love how you introduced each character into the story. You didn't just throw them in there like most authors do. You actually made them have a purpose for being there.
The only thing I found wrong (and this is being nit picky) is sometimes it felt as if you, the author, were in a rush. You would forget the wrong punctuation or your sentence wouldn't make sense. For instance:
"The wand flew off the table, turning she found herself facing a cloak man his own wand pointing towards her. Elizabeth turned her back towards holding her daughter to her chest. She ran into the study, she shut the door behind her. It wouldn't hold him off for long. Elizabeth laid her Katherine down, the little girl ran towards the door."
The first sentence didn't make a lot of sense to me the first time I read it. I had to reread it a couple of times. Maybe if you had said like "The want flew off the table and as she turned she found herself facing a cloaked man with his wand pointed at her." Or made it two different sentences. I am pretty sure there should be a him after towards as well and a comma after him.
Other than that it was excellent. My suggestion is to get it beta read, just to get a second persons opinion before posting it. I am looking forward to reading the rest. I absolutely love where it looks like its headed!Author's Response: I'm waiting for someone who said they'd have a look at the chapter. But with this review and others I've received I'm going to give this a look over. (And finally learn grammar! :D)
I sometimes type like I'm in rush but really it's like I'm thinking realy fast. It's really weird wait now I get! Ok XD I type slower than what I think! :D
I'm glad you like where it's headed :) I will take your suggestion thank you for your review. (I'll re-request soon!) Report Review
LMAO! LOVED IT! Absolutely LOVED it! Best thing I have read in a long time. Great job! Hilarous!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you like it. I wasn't entirely sure if it was very funny and so I'm relieved to hear that you think so. Report Review
Marvelous! Awesome! Please update asap!
~Goddess FaithAuthor's Response: Thanks for the support!
- Rebitt Report Review
It was a good start! I agree it was short, but I understand that it was just the prologue and it was the start of the story! I can't wait to read the rest! I love your summary and am excited to see what comes of this story!
~Goddess FaithAuthor's Response: Thank you so so so so so so so much!
I promise all the next chapters will be A LOT longer :)
- Rebitt Report Review
OmG! I LOVED this story. The word vampire drew me in and Drew Fuller in your banner attached me! I read and loved it! Great Job!
~Goddess Faith Report Review
Wow... really wow... i really love your story. I have thought about skipping meals several times, but after reading this, i have thought twice. I didn't realize how angry it makes you. I had no idea it was an illness. It is great that you are writing this. The story is amazing. Is Draco going to be the one who confronts her about it?Author's Response: Yay, that's exactly what was intended with this story, to educate and warn people.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hey, I love your fic! Please update soon! Report Review
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