hi, you reviewed for my fic and there was a bit of a controversial point that i think you should read my response to as i think you, at the very least, deserve an explanation for it

Author's Response: Listen here, for starters, when you post a comment for me, it should be about the story you just read.

Or something that has do with something I wrote. And last, your story was offenceive towards that heritage. I also I couldn't find your "hannich".

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i was actually referign to shell and harry-- just seems kind fo wrong when you're finally findign your footign again. at leats if they were in love, or thought it could becoem that- they both knew it was just lust...

idk... didnt have as much of a prob with hermioen and george as she'd been gone for so long that in many ways they werent even friends anymore then- but beign able ot say 'that's not how your brother did it' is a bit nasty lol ;)

as for your other note, oh i'm sure i'll enjoy the next installments as i adore this fic (only praying that the kisses are HHr and not SH-- for soem reason she bothers me... and no it's not because she's sleeping with harry, io've learned to get past that in HHr fics as it always starts like that... she just reminds me of ginny and i've always abhored ginny and her char, it's why i never accepted HG)

anyway, cantw ait for the next update!

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i'm sorry but i personally just dont think that they should have slept together

i eman friend's friends are off limits for a reason, what happens when the innevitable break up occurs?

they both know it's just lust, nothing more

Author's Response: Hermione and George? or Harry and Shell? Or both? I thought this chapter may upset a few people, but I also think that at their age which is 23/24 that this iw how they would deal with relationships, they do fall in lust and are not necessarily looking for love although sometimes love has that awful habit of finding you!!!

Read on I think you will like the next few chapters, I shall tell you a little secret Chapter 11 is called 'Of Quidditch and Kisses' AND Chapter 12 is called 'A Tale Of Fairies'

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so here's the thing. i'm noticign the fact that a great majority of these lines are from the movie, and pretty mcuh word for word. this is a nice idea, but i think that you shoudlnt be so afraid of makign it your own, doing your own thing with it, you're a talented author and shoud use that to your advantage!

Author's Response: thank you for reviewing. I do realize that too, and I did write another story. This one is not based off one single movie. It completetly came from my own head!!!! YAY! It's called "Ruining my parents past with a timeturner" if you wanna check it out! This is my first time basing Harry Potter off of the movie and now I realize that it's way too rough. I'm going to try and work on my other story for now, and then see what I should do with this one!
:) Thanks again!
~SillyLily *Favs*

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LOVED IT, great job, really, amazing, you better uupdate asap!

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

So usually I leave these long reviews critiquing every single detail that comes to mind as I read the fic, but this time I found myself totally incapable of doing that as I read it—before I knew it I had read all 9 chapters without even noticing that I hadn’t been reviewing (i tend to write notes as I write)

So here I am at the end, and here are my comments, however sparse (but in my opinion that’s a testament to your skill, the manner in which you were able to totally draw me into that world w//seemingly no connection to what was going on around me).

1. at times you have fragmented sentences
2. LOVE *itch molly—I never liked Ginny or molly so trashing either one bodes very well for an author in my books lol
3. while you don’t skip around or leave any plot holes, some scenes do leave something to be desired—it’s usually the amazing ones that you wish were just extended a little bit (but that could easily be due to the fact that you just love it so much that you don’t want it to end as well lol)
4. anyway, waiting on pins and needles for more!

Author's Response: Thanks for the great review! I'm glad you like the bad molly, cause I was worried about that when I started this fic lol... She gets worse...trust me lol... *HUGS*

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

Much better chap in terms of pace, I mean wow, it’s really an amazing difference. I mean, I won't deny that you could still stand to slow it down a bit, but this in itself is a great step towards that, so kudos!

Anyway, really great job with this fic, interested to see where you take it!

Author's Response: Thanks! Now I know what sort of pace I should go at and maybe go even more in depth. Thanks for your help!

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

> that should be or better yet

> should be >

it trends to be those little things that bother readers so I just thought I’d make a note of that for you, hope you don’t mind…

--

draco and Narcissa are extremely formal with one another, and I have to ask whether that was intentional or not. To me at least, it doesn’t come off as high society so much as cold and unconnected to one another

and they’re both reading P&P, what a cute cliché way to show how meant for one another they are—but, what can I say, you do pull it off so well ;) lol

great scene at the end where she meets everyone but after the Delacour came in I feel that it sort of died out as if you just wanted to end it… idk, it’s just not on the same caliber as that amazing scene that preceded it

Author's Response: ! I can't see what you typed for the first part! Oh well.... As for Draco and Narcissa's relationship, I'm not entirely sure what I was going for either (oops). When I was writing I decided to make Draco the arrogant, confident Draco he was in the first few books rather than the crying, sensitive Draco in book 6. I think I was trying to make Narcissa a caring mother who seems a bit timid now that I look back. Argh! I don't know what I'm typing.... Anyway, thanks for the review! I'll work on it.... :)

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

So not as many comments this time given that most of my critical notes in regards to prose have already been made so I’ll focus more on plot from now on (with a few grammatical notes should I see any)…

It felt a bit rushed again, but there was a definite intrigue to it because of that last line, one that forces the reader to continue because it’s just such an enigmatic ending since we all know who it is lo—personally, I think that that’s actually something that your last chap lacked, it didn’t end 2with that certain “oomph” that just leaves you in awe, something that’s so vital for a fic (esp. the 1st chap of all chaps)

Author's Response: I'm glad Ch. 2's ending had a little more "oomph" lol. I'll try to make the endings more like that in the future. Thanks for the helpful review!

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. small grammatical note:


should be:

it’s not that big of a deal, but a good thing to know for future reference ;)
2. I honestly don’t think that you needed to capitalize the sections where he filled out the form as you already italicized it and the capitals tend to draw a lot of unwarranted attention while you’re reading, making it harder to concentrate as your eye is always straying to them
3. this seems a bit rushed, I felt as if you could have gone more into depth with it, maybe ease into things a bit more slowly, because it’s not a problem with the premise—I find it to be amazingly imaginative, in fact—but it has to do with how you present it. It’s not that there are plot holes (at least not yet) but that it’s a bit of a shame for a chap to be as rushed as this when I think that the writing (skill) behind it is perfectly adequate and capable of more than this.
4. you don’t have to rely on capitals for evoking emotion, use adjectives, highlight certain words, it tend to be far more effective
5. Hermione closed her eyes a little wearily. "Fine," she said at last. "I'll do it." She paused. "I can't believe I just said that."

There was a pause.

"Well, this has been a fun morning!" said Harry. "But I have to get to the Auror office--"

"OH MY GOD! WORK! I'M GOING TO BE LATE!" With that Hermione dashed to her bedroom to change, leaving Harry and Ron to stare after her sheepishly.

That part was just REALLY rushed, it felt unrealistic to tell you the truth, and given your dialogue (what I’ve seen of it) if you learned to pace yourself you would be great at it and achieving the realism that is so vital for a fic (and hey, harder to learn to be good at dialogue than to pace yourself, right?) ;)

Anyway, you asked me to be critical so I commented on everything that passed through my mind, but please don’t think that I abhor the fic or anything. I just think that you have a lot of potential and it’s something you should embrace and work on :D

Author's Response: Omigosh! Thank you for responding to my post asking for a critical review...it's really helpful. I think you're right about how it was rushed and how I should go more in depth with my chapters. One day I will rewrite these first few chapters; as for my later chapters I'll try to go more in depth. Also, I can't see the grammatical note...I mean, I can't read it in the review. It must've gotten deleted or something. Anyway, thanks again for the helpful review! You're great!

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum

1. the paragraph where you introduce Robbie, Luciana, etc. is a bit overwhelming as you kind of just throw all of this info all at once. It might be a little easier to remember who is who in regards to characterization had you made a point in separating it, give a reader time to process each char before moving onto the next one, you know?
2. don’t switch tenses (i.e. This was true, he was) it should be that—it’s a minor thing, but those little mistakes tend to be that which bothers the reader a most (sucks doesn’t it?—always gets on my nerves as I write as I tend to go very quickly and have to go through a chap 10 times to catch all of the little things ;) lol)
3. you need to add something more to make that transition from light teasing to her commenting on how she’s not sure if she loves him anymore—at first I genuinely thought she was just teasing him, add some small little notes on how her expression sombers with each progressing moment, etc. something to allude to how serious the convo really is
4. “What can I do though?” asked James, staring into her eyes, a lost look etched upon his face.

“I’ll help you, I know all about her ideal man!”

this was a bit too quick, she was just talking about how she doesn’t even know how she feels about him and suddenly she tells him she’ll help him (and with an exclamation mark which would make the reader infer that she’s excited about it at least)
5. “gushed Moira”—it should be Moira gushed—I’ve seen this error here before but I let it go as I thought it might be a one time thing, noticed it’s a bit more common so I decided to make a note of it
6. I just realized! I didn’t tell you how much I adore your dialogue—my God I feel horrible for not making a note of how great you are at the banter, it’s hard to find writers who are as successful at it as you’ve proved to be!
7. all in all I thoroughly enjoyed this, it’s a very good start to what I can only assume is a very good fic! All I would recommend is that you work on those things that I commented on (gave you a few ex. But there are more) and I really think that this fic will be pretty damn close to perfection ;)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for all the helpful hints, I'll make sure to take your advice and hopefully make it a more enjoyable story for my readers!
Yeah, I had a few suspiscions about quick transitions, I'll try to tone it down!
Thanks again for the help and praise!

~Calluna~ x

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Hi this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. grammatical note: you sometimes end a quote (sentence) with a comma by accident
2. I have to admit that I enjoy how you just throw us into the scene, put us right into the action
3. the fact that lily recognizes her seems sort of sudden, you could have had a note on how she appeared familiar before that, a transition into that quote—one that I’d recommend right when she let’s Rachel in, as if she’s struck with a sudden sense of déjà vu or something
4. you could use a bit more characterization to give the reader an idea of what’s happening, not just the regular he said-she said(or she said-she said in this case)—but your dialogue is every well developed and I’m enjoying it, extra points for realism)
5. she carries her suitcases with her?—interesting choice, lol
6. the portion where Rachel says what she’s been up to could be slowed down a bit as it’s a tad bit overwhelming with how quickly all of that info is given to the reader
7. very good start, a bit short, but definitely intriguing

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. I would also like to thank you for pointing out some of my grammatical mistakes and some other stuff...I'll be trying to improve that now.

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. Okay, that was mean, Hayden thought. His Malfoy-attitude tended to show through at certain moments. And he hated himself for that.—lol, so what if it’s Malfoy attitude, we do love the char for his snarky attitude, he just does it so well, don’t you think?
2. GREAT CLASSROOM SCENE, adored it, it was fun, amusing, AND you got in a little portion about malfoy jealousy, all the best in one!
3. it’s interesting how you always refers to draco as draco but Hermione as Hayden’s mother…
4. When he saw Draco disappear inside the castle, he mumbled under his breath, “Just don’t be late, Dad. You know Mum hates tardiness.”—great last line, there’s this great double entendre to it that relates to both the tutoring and him getting up the guts to tell her!

Author's Response: Thanks for your lovely words... Yeah, there were some people who liked that last line, too. I'm glad I came up with that single creative line there. Hehe Again, thank you for reviewing my chapters. ^_^

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

Okay not much to say for this chap because, honestly, not much happened here—it was that necessary filler (but beautifully written to your credit)

Anyway, great revelation at the end there

Author's Response: Thank you so much! ^_^

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. so he never went to Hogwarts… very very cool twist there—although, by the looks of it- he should be in Gryffindor given his loyalty to Naomi, one more thing he got from his father
2. very well written convo between draco and hayden there
3. PIERRE THE SNAIL?! Lol that’s just great—got to love Luna, right?
4. “Oh, yes, I remember. We had Charms and History of Magic in Third Year and Fourth Year together, why didn’t you just say it?” Hermione said thoughtfully. “You were always sitting at the back with the Slytherins. But yes, I do remember.”—you really would expect better than that from Hermione, wouldn’t you? bbut it was a funny thing to hear nonetheless given that we know the truth

Author's Response: I don't know what you mean about Hermione. :(

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. LOVE Ron (when he’s not with Hermione that is—great comedic relief with how suspicious he is. I know it’s supposed to be serious, but it’s just so idiotic Ron lol)
2. another twist with this Naomi girl, very interesting to see how that one plays out
3. cho was a year older so she wouldn’t have been in their class—just a minor little note
4. VERY NICE ENDING—really looking forward to more (which, luckily, I don't have to wait for)

p.s. sorry for not many comments here, but many of my issues were already named so nothing new to comment on other than my plot points (or, more specifically, ramblings lol)

Author's Response: I also thought at first that Cho was a year older than the trio, but I got confused and changed that. Thanks for the review, really! ^_^

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. Hayden averted his eyes from Hermione, the colour draining out of his face. He dried his tears with the back of his hand. He swallowed down the dryness in his throat and mumbled, “Sorry, just an emotional outburst.” He stared into Hermione’s puzzled eyes, blushing. “Er … you … completely knocked me out with your … beauty,” he said, winking at her.—nice save lol, LOVED that line
2. really prefer how you have him look back at the convo he had with Hermione like that rather than introducing those thoughts during the convo (well you did, but in snippets that didn’t detract from it, you elaborated at the end)—I, personally, think it’s far more successful that way
3. wait… wasn’t the potions master snape then?—maybe you should elaborate on that
4. I do have a small question, isn’t it curious that he suddenly just showed up? The school doesn’t have many students, so wouldn’t the teachers know about this new addition to their classes

Author's Response: Yes, many thought it was sort of that "Oedipus Complex". I mean, what's wrong with a son flattering his mum? And secondly, Hayden had to act like he doesn't know yet Hermione.

In book 6? I was actually certain that Slughorn was their potions master, and Snape was their teacher in DADA.

As to your last question, it'll be answered in later chapters. ^_^

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. aw what a disappointment to have THAT be your father—both in adulthood and youth he proved to be a disappointment (ah well, at least Hayden will change that one lol)
2. YES, Ginny’s life is tragic—God I always hated her in the books (that was really mean of me to say wasn’t it)
3. okay so this was a bit of a short chap, my main comments would probably be on dialogue and choice of placement with memories

a. I think that malfoy would be a bit wittier than those comments that he said—he always proved to have rather amusing lines in the books after all
b. sometimes when you go on with the memories it’s at the most importunate of times as it takes away from the moment—I mean they’re vital things to know, but it’s just that you have on paragraph (and an understandably long one) in the middle of this very short little scene, kind of detracts from it as your attention focuses on the past then—rather then the moment…

Author's Response: I don't like Ginny, too. Unless I pair her with a female like in my femmeslash stories. LOL Yeah, it really was a short chapter... the later chapter will be longer, though. Thank you for the review. ^_^

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Hi, this is cosmo from the review forum!

1. very intriguing beginning- I’m particularly interested as to why he’s foster care given that he was with his mom when he was eight and his dad was obviously still there then (or they wouldn’t have been fighting lol)
2. I think that you could use more clarification on the he had repressed his memories portion as I think that that’s such a poignant point, one that deserves to be delved deeper into
3. love the “this is my birthday gift to myself” quote- I usually abhor when they speak to themselves, but that—that one was just so perfectly placed that I have to applaud you fro it!
4. NO! draco goes bald? What? How could you do that?—but I guess the alcoholic comment explains why he went into foster care lol
5. very interesting, off to read more!

Author's Response: Huh? No, when Hayden's mother died at 8yrs, he stayed with his father at the manor. He'd drunk himself into desolation for two and a half years, just before Hayden turned 11. And then he had to move to foster care.

Yeah, Draco gets semi-bald actually and gets fat... because he'll become a slob. hehe :) He couldn't handle the loss of his 'beloved' wife. :(

Thank you for the review. ^_^

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wait? she just realized that sex-tess was tessa, i thoguht she got that before... lol, oops, i read this fiuc far too quickly when i get into it

anwyay, great chap, cant wait for more!

Author's Response: Dear cosmopiltan411,
Haha I forgive you :) Well, Lily may be oblivious at some times, but she eventually realizes it in the end! Thanks!
Your Obedient Servant,
The Phantom

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critiques
-you cant really catch cancer...
-just because she lost blood wouldnt make her light as a feather- there's still bones and body mass (fat)

---

you've proved to be rather talented at dialogue (which is an exceptional skill seeing as it is somethig hard to learn- much better if you already have that aprticular talent) but please, comsider longer chapters, you can include more than one scene in each!

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a much better job in my opinion, but you do have to look out for thse fragmented sentances

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so here's the thign i've alwasy enjoyed these types of premises (i.e. ugly lily turns hot) i think that they're really funa dn based off of hat i've seen in this first chap it appears as thoguh you have a lot of potential as a writer

i do ahev to say, however, that there are parts of your writing that arent quite up to par and bring the quality fo your writign dow. take:

There was another thing people knew Lily by. She was rich. And not your average rich, but mega, mega rich. Her family lived in the Netherlands in an enormous mansion.

In the will, he left all his belongs to Lily. Lily was now the richest girl in world.

you are capable of so much mroe than these super simple, practiacally fragmented sentances

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lookign foreward to more form this fic, so glad i foudn it on that "harry slytherine story" challenge lol

update soon!

Author's Response: haha, I'm glad that you found it too. :)
Thanks for reviewing, I'll hopefully be updating within the next 2 weeks.

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enjoyign it very much so far, cant wait for more

Author's Response: Aww, thanks a lot!
I'm glad you enjoyed it ^_^

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