I really liked the beginning of this piece, the way you wrote Hermione's thoughts, it was very well done. I felt the first half was much stronger than the second half, though the second half was written well too, I just felt the start was a lot stronger.
Although I'm a canon-shipper, I didn't mind the AU aspect of this piece. I didn't mind that Cedric was alive or that he and Hermione were together. You made it seem natural. I like the way you portrayed Harry and Hermione's relationship, it very much reflected their relationship in the series, and that was nice. The only thing that really bothered me was how both Cedric and Harry kept calling her " 'Mione". I've never been a fan of that nickname, as she was never called 'Mione in the books and it just doesn't feel right to me, particularly coming from Harry. But of course that is just a personal preference.
It seems this challenge has been inspiring some really strong pieces of writing, and this piece was no exception.Author's Response: AW Thank you so much for the wonderful review! It was amazing! :) Report Review
I found it to be a different and interesting way of writing that I have not seen before, and I did like it. I was almost poetical, almost like a song. It really felt like I was looking into Pansy's mind and seeing her stream of thoughts. My only criticism is that the repetitiveness did start to get a little annoying by the end of the piece and perhaps was overdone, which ruined the initial effect. However, I did feel that the ending was quite strong and I loved this line:
"He's saying hello; I'm saying goodbye."
A lovely piece of writing.Author's Response:
Thank you (: I'm glad that I'm getting some crit about the repetitiveness - so far I've got some likes, but I think I was hoping for someone to crit about it. I wasn't too sure, and I'd like to have a companion peice to this one feat. Draco and Astoria ^_^
Less repetitiveness. I'll remember that (;
I thought that line was sort of hard to write. I wanted to make it mean something. I love the fact that you like it ^_^
Thanks, once again.
--Malia Report Review
Very powerful writing. You used description well in this piece. My favourite line:
"The poison has reached its mark, and the pain in his chest is equal to that of a knife wound. A knife wound, though, would have been much quicker."
You write very well and I only picked up on one grammatical error:
"who he still loves with all that is in him" - It should be 'whom'.
I almost wasn't even going to bother mentioning it, because it was drowned out really by the rest of your fantastic writing. A great piece.Author's Response: 'Who' and 'whom' have always been my downfall -- even though I technically know when you're supposed to use them, I never think of it. I'm glad you did point it out. I've just submitted the edit!
This review has me smiling! Thanks so much, Joanne! Report Review
Amazing! This fic hand me pulled in right from the start and a couldn't take my eyes off the page until I had finished it. I can't believe you don't write more as you certainly have a gift for it. Your imagery was fantastic; you really set the scene with your detailed descriptions, including all the little details in the characters looks and actions as they spoke. It really conveyed the characters well. I also thought your characterisation was spot on. In particular I thought you wrote Vernon so accurately it was hard not to think that JKR could have written it herself. Your spelling and grammar were both good from what I could tell (though I expected nothing less as you come across as being quite knowledgeable in these areas in your reviews). There may have been one or two lines that I had to read twice because they seemed not to flow well, such as:
"... and she'd gotten stuck looking after him. "
But that could be just me because I'm not a fan of the word 'gotten'.
I had to smile when I read this line:
"if it doesn't keep that Lord Thing out, at least I'll have enough warning to grab my golf club and give him a good crack over the-"
Was this possibly inspired by a certain scene in 'Golden Amulet'? lol
You really did a superb job with this one-shot and I could easily see it happening in the books.Author's Response: Thank you for the sweet review! I used to write some when I was younger, but haven't written fiction for many years now. I think I overdid or mishandled the descriptions in some places; some of my sentence structure became repetitive. I'm glad you liked the effect, though. Vernon was such a hoot to write.
I originally had the usual baseball bat instead of a golf club. However, then I got to wondering if baseball is common enough in Britain for a family to own a bat? I think it's more an American (and Japanese) thing. So then what to use, a cricket bat? Are they even called cricket bats or is there a special name? And then, yes, I remembered you using a golf club in your story and thought, problem solved!
Ugh, that "gotten stuck" line. I got so aggravated with that paragraph! I know it's not exactly a highlight, and there are several other sticky places throughout. I will likely edit this at some point, but having a deadline was great for me. Report Review
This was a lovely piece. I think you wrote the dream very well - it just felt like a dream, so lucid and surreal. I think your ending was quite strong: McGonagall was very in character and I loved Luna's explanation. But my favourite line was:
"That doesn't mean it wasn't real, Professor."
Which of course echoed Dumbledore's words to Harry in DH.
A really lovely piece, I enjoyed reading it.Author's Response: Jo, thank you so much. As you are well aware, your opinion is highly valued here. I'm so glad that people are liking the dream-like aspect of it and that I seem to have gotten it right.
I'm also glad that I captured Luna and Minerva. I don't think I've ever written Minerva before, so I was a bit nervous about it.
And I deliberately echoed DD's words, so I'm glad you caught that. Report Review
What a fun piece! I think Parvati may have just enjoyed her plan a little too much lol. I loved that Harry was so utterly bewildered by the whole plan. Great job. Report Review
What a great reflective piece. I think you captured Dumbledore's thoughts quite well and I can really see him thinking like this before he died. Your fantastic word choice in many parts of this one-shot really makes it stand out as a great piece of writing.Author's Response: Aw, thank you. This makes me so happy! I love hearing that you could see him think like that, cause it means I accomplished my goal with this one shot :) Thank you so much for the review, Joanne! Report Review
I don't blame Amy for not wanting to go to that school! I'm glad her parents agreed. It's nice that she is getting used to the idea of moving, though. So back to Australia then.Author's Response: Yep, back to Australia. Amy is slowly getting used to the idea of moving, but it will take her a long time to adjust. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
So Amy's father can't get a job in the Department of Magical creatures, that makes things interesting.
I didn't mind this chapter being a little shorter the the rest, in fact I hardly noticed. I think if this chapter had been longer it would have dragged on too much. I think the length of this chapter was suited perfectly for what you wanted to convey.Author's Response: Nope, if they move to New York, he'll have to get a different sort of job.
I'm glad you didn't mind the length. The stuff that happens in the next chapter didn't really fit with this one and then I would have had a 7k chapter, so I didn't combine them. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
You used a lot of good description in this chapter, in particular I liked this line:
"...a man stepped in amongst a swirl of snow."
I just loved the picture it formed in my mind.
So far this school seems very similar to Hogwarts.
I liked how you had Amy viewing the school with conflicted thoughts, it showed a depth of her character.Author's Response: Thanks! :) I'm glad you liked it. Yes, the school in New York is similar to Hogwarts, but the school they're going to visit next (in Salem, MA) isn't. Report Review
They're finally in the US!!
I think perhaps the plane flight dragged out a little too much, but mostly the pace was okay and enough was happening to keep the flow moving along.
I loved the reference to the Deathly Hallows and it makes me wonder if they will come into play later in the story.
I already like Uncle Jack, even after only a brief introduction and I look forward to seeing more of his character.
I'll PM you my Aussie comments as usual.
As always I look forward to the next chapter.Author's Response: I really enjoyed writing the US part. Probably because I live in NY, lol. It was fun because I got to put stuff in there that I actually knew a lot about, like the spiedies.
Anyway, yeah, the flight was a bit long, but all future flights will be shorter, or will have somewhat significant plot points in them.
The Hallows really don't play much of a role in this story, but they do in my Albus series. I've thought about writing a story about Walter & Jack's search for the Hallows, but I've put that idea in with all my other ideas that may or may not actually get written.
Uncle Jack is a cool guy. He'll be in a lot of the future chapters; more than just the ones that take place in the US.
Thanks for reading and reviewing and for the Aussie comments! :) Report Review
A slow moving but necessary 'filler' chapter. I liked the detail about the metal detector going off because of the magical interference, it was a nice touch. I look forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Yeah, gotta have the filler every once in a while. Next one should be a bit more exciting. I'm glad you liked the metal detector going off. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
Jo from eHPF here, I thought I would check out your Bella/Voldy one shot to see your take on the ship.
I loved the imagery of this piece, particularly the beginning, it really set the scene. Your writing is quite powerful.
I think you characterised Bella well, though she almost seemed too innocent when standing before Voldemort, but then again love can make you feel that way.
I wasn't too sure about your characterisation of Voldemort at first, he seemed a bit out of character with the 'almost' apology and the way he showed emotion towards Bella, but I liked the way you made him suddenly snap out of it and go cold towards her as he realised he was showing weakness.
It was definitely interesting reading someone else's take on the ship and I think you wrote this piece well.Author's Response: I'm so glad you stopped by! I'm definitely planning on reading your story as well. Hopefully this weekend. (:
For some reason, I pictured Bella as being softer when she was around Voldemort, almost tender, whereas she is maniacal and whatnot when she is apart from him. Unrequited love can really break a person down, so I see that as adding to the many other outside influences that have driven her mad over the years.
I really struggled with how I wanted Voldemort to react; I'm still not entirely satisfied with it, but I'm glad you liked his sudden realization of the weakness he was showing, and his return to the cold person we all know him as.
Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate it. (: Report Review
Oooh, how exciting! I can't wait to see the schools in the US.
I just had to comment on the part about the leash - It made me laugh because we used one of those on our son while we were at the airport recently lol.
I'll PM you my comments about the Aussie-isms. I can't wait to read the next chapter.Author's Response: I had a lot of fun writing about the schools in the US.
I put the leash thing in because when my brother and I were little, our parents put us on leashes at the mall! And yes, we did get on the floor and bark like dogs! My parents never did it again, nor did they try with our younger sisters.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
Great use of imagery! You described this scene so well. It's a great little companion piece to your other story, but can just as easily be read on its own. I loved seeing things from Walter's POV, especially as this incident was relayed through Amy's POV in your other story. I think I only noticed one or two spelling mistakes, but otherwise this was well written.Author's Response: Thanks! I had a lot of fun writing it. I'm glad you liked it from Walter's POV. It's a bit harder writing from his POV than Amy's, since I am a girl and don't have any kids, lol. But, I managed it. It was either his POV or Julie's and I felt his would be better since he's the head of the Werewolf Control Unit.
Thanks for your review! I'm so glad you liked it. :) Report Review
You've definitely got me addicted to this story. You write Amy so well, it is easy to feel like I am seeing things from her POV and it is easy to empathise with her. There were a couple of minor grammar errors throughout, and of course I've already PMed you about all the Aussie-isms. It is a very interesting plot and I can't wait to read more. (And I just love the title by the way, it is just so fitting!)Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it so much. I found it difficult to write at first because this was my first attempt at first person, but it got easier as I went on. I'm glad you're seeing things from her POV and empathizing with her. That was what I was going for. :)
Thanks again for your help with the Aussie-isms and the grammar.
My sister, Dancer_of_Starlight (Alice_Dancer on the forums), actually came up with the title. I'm horrible with titles. I'll let her know that you like it. :) Thanks so much for your review! I usually update this every Sunday. Report Review
This was such a sweet Christmas story. I had a tear in my eye when Harry said he wanted to hang a stocking for Dobby, it was so sweet and noble, and very much something Harry would do. I found it interesting that Malfoy decided to donate to SPEW, it was a different side of his character and it shows how much he has grown since the war. It was also sweet having Lily ask to hang the stocking at the end and Harry pulling out the same old green sock. It was a little confusing at first when you started jumping ahead in time, and I wondered why Malfoy had a son when Ron and Hermione were only newly married, but I soon realised that it was a later Christmas. The only thing I picked up on was that you had George married to Alicia, although in canon he marries Angelina. I wasn't sure if this was just a simple error or if it is meant to be that way. Overall I really enjoyed reading this sweet little Christmas fic, it was a lovely tribute to Dobby and all the other house elves.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the very kind review. This definitely is meant to be a story of short vignettes and jump through time and I'm glad it wasn't too confusing that way.
A 12+ fic is way out of the ordinary for me, as I usually write darker adult themes, but I love the house elves and this story needed to be told. I meant it to be Alicia, because at the time I wrote this story, I didn't know that George and Angelina were married canonically. If you look closely, you'll see Draco's wife described as 'pug-nosed', which means I used Pansy as well, since I didn't know about his canon wife at this point either. I doubt that I'll go back and make it canon with the wives as I don't think it makes a lot of difference to the main point of the story.
Draco, ahh. I don't think that people really change, which is why he's doing what he's doing more out of guilt than any other reason, and he's still cowardly enough to hide his actions from his wife and son. I picture him trying to assuage familial guilt with money.
So, yes, he's grown some, but deep down, he's still arrogant and cowardly.
This story means a lot to me, since Dobby's death was the one that hit me hardest in the books, even more than Dumbledore or Snape. (Strangely enough, Hedwig's death really affected me strongly too).
I'm not sure what to think about this chapter, I was a little confused at first as to when it was set - I'm assuming it is supposed to be their seventh year if they hadn't decided to go Horcrux hunting, because obviously Harry and Ginny are together and Ron's relationship with Lavender has already happened. Sorry, that just confused me a little bit. I like the idea of this fic, I like reading fics from Hermione's POV, especially concerning her feelings for Ron. You do write well, your spelling and grammar are good, the chapter was well constructed and your imagery is great.Author's Response: Thank you... I'm sorry! Yes, it's set in their seventh year and Deathly Hallows is completely ignored... I'll add an author's note explaining that... Thanks for letting me know! I love it when people point things out like that... Helps me to become a better author... Thank you for reviewing!! Report Review
That was such a cute and sweet one-shot. I just adored it. I loved how you captured Ginny's hopefulness and I loved her little chant. Your spelling and grammar was very good, I only picked up on one mistake:
"my brothers chat about there girlfriends" you used 'there' instead of 'their'
It really was such a sweet one-shot though, it's left me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Report Review
I just loved this. You perfectly captured the sick and sadistic lives of the Death Eaters in a way I haven't seen done before. Your imagery was fantastic, and I loved the way you left everything to the imagination rather than going into a lot of details. I found it a little disturbing that Draco should want to watch his aunt and his father doing such things, even if his father was disguised as Harry. It was kind of creepy. Obviously Narcissa wasn't bothered by her husband and her sister together. It was so sick and twisted, yet I couldn't help being drawn in. Great job!Author's Response: LOL I keep asking my muse where this story came from and I get no response. Thank you for letting me know you enjoyed the crazy. Not everyone is that brave. ;-) Report Review
I would like to start by complimenting you on your spelling and grammar - as far as I could tell you had no mistakes.
I'm not sure I really liked this out of character Hermione, but it was funny to read in a way.
I thought it was strange they were at the Burrow for Hermione's birthday, since she turned 17 in sixth year and they should have been at Hogwarts by Sept 19 as school starts Sept 1st. But I guess this story is not sticking to canon.
I thought diary entry type stories were forbidden at HPFF, but since this story got through validation the staff must have thought it was okay, but I could have sworn the ToS states that chapters must be no longer the one third diary entries... Report Review
Good opening chapter. This prologue gives enough information for the reader to know what is happening without giving everything away. It works as a great lead in to your main story. You use imagery well. My main criticism is that you seem to randomly use capital letters in the middle of your sentences sometimes. Report Review
Interesting story idea. Your spelling and punctuation need a bit of work, although you probably already knew that since you asked for a someone to beta. If you join the forums here at HPFF (link at top of page) there is a section there where you can request a beta (it's in the Help Needed section). Also I just wanted to note that you titled this chapter as the 'epilogue', but an epilogue goes at the end of a story, I think you meant 'prologue'. Good luck and happy writing.Author's Response: Ooops THank-you for telling me.
I hadn't even noticed.
Yeah will get right on it thanks.
Hopefully you will continue readding Report Review
Not a bad starting chapter. I liked your use of imagery, you use descriptions well. I thought James and Sirius were perfectly in character. I liked your characterisation of Kailee too, I immediately could tell what kind of person she was within the first few sentences of meeting her. I do wonder where Peter is in all this though, is there a reason why he isn't going on the vacation too?Author's Response: thank you for your nice review.
As to your question why Peter isn't with them.. well i don't like peter. hahaa. i don't really consider him part of the group, so I'm not going to bother to put him in the story. Just imagine he's off on a vacation with Voldy. =D Report Review
This was such a nice little one-shot about Myrtle. I loved your different take on the whole situation, I don't think I've ever seen a fic before that has Myrtle dating Tom.
I picked up on a couple of mistakes:
"There fist date" - should have been 'their' rather than 'there', and 'first' rather than 'fist'.
"The never of that boy not answering" - should be 'nerve' rather than 'never'.
Other than those minor errors (which anyone could easily make and overlook - I do it myself) I think you write well. Not many people write about Myrtle, but if you're interested I also have a one shot about Myrtle that was inspired by CoS (although completely different to yours).Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing...And I will defently look up your fic...Thank you for picking up on the mistakes...I never noticed.Thanks again for the review! :) Report Review
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