Oh no! Poor Ron! And poor Rose and Harry! You did a good job keeping this succinct--I think any longer and it would have seemed like too much, and any shorter and it wouldn't have seemed like enough. It's so sad that Rose's last words to Ron were so angry. :(
As criticism, I would say only this: watch the dialogue. Some of the speech sounds just a tad outdated in the vocabulary usage (remember Rose is a 16 year old, and Harry is not quite as intellectual as Hermione).
Otherwise, good job!Author's Response: Oh thank you so much for reviewing!:)
Oh okay, sure! Thanks a lot for the constructive criticism..:3 I will definitively keep it in mind:)
~NightStar Report Review
This is such an interesting idea! I think it's so funny that not only does she fall through the platform, but she meets Harry at the age he was in the books! That's awesome!
I think for future chapters, you might have to address how a muggle can see everything (I expect there are muggle repelling charms and the like everywhere), but if not, I'm okay with going along with it.
Great work! Report Review
Eep! Great work, and I'll look forward to reading the rest of this later!Author's Response: Thanks so much, SereneChaos. Glad there are are so many others out there who love Neville/Hannah and the Neville/Luna thing is coming up :D Report Review
Ah! Lovely! I really liked how you portray Hannah and her friends--I feel like a lot of romances tend to only follow the two main characters. But I think for Hannah, the way she and Susan got along, was perfect. She's just the right amount of babbly and gossipy with Susan, plus I loved that she asked for a muggle romance book for Christmas.
As a side note from the previous chapter: the shield charm is actually 'protego' so it was a little confusing hearing Neville say he was failing at casting the shield charm when he was saying 'expelliarmus'. It probably should have been his partner using the disarming spell instead.Author's Response: Yes, sorry, I do get a bit confused. ANother thing I will edit, but thank you for reading and helping me out with this. Report Review
Ah! I can never get enough Hannah/Neville!
I like the premise of the story you had in your summary--that love takes time. I loved some of the little IC things you included: Neville liking other girls before (I'd love it even more if you addressed the potential Neville/Luna ship at some point), the way Neville's narration got carried away when he talked about how he loved herbology (perfect), when he mentioned that he was interested in things other than the Mimbulus mimbletonia, etc.
My only real critique is that page breaks or dividers between scenes would be super helpful, and that at times the language seems a little...antiquated for a 15 year old to be using.
Example: "I needed to get fit, I pondered wearily. It was so heavy, but I darenít complain even though we only went a couple of feet once we got through the crowd at the doors and in the Entrance Hall."
I think it's fantastic he thinks he needs to get fit, but the word 'daren't' seems noticeably out of place. You didn't do this too often in the chapter, but it's a little thing to be aware of later.
As a Neville fangirl (and someone who would totally be Hannah if she was in HP world), I think your characterization is spot on, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this!Author's Response: Thank you. I suppose the daren't is just habit of me constantly writing fics about Hermione. Will edit. Thanks!! Report Review
Hey! Your writing is very fresh and easy to read, and I especially enjoyed Sirius' voice in this! I like Mia as a character, and think that you did a great job mixing your proportions of drama with her dead parents and playfulness with her friends.
In terms of the song lyrics--I would try to avoid adding them in unless they actually relate to the story. What you're probably reading are song-fics, which are stories themed around a certain song. Also, for your story summary, I would refrain from saying your summary isn't good. As a general rule of thumb, don't post anything you feel isn't actually good, plus you want to give your readers a chance to come to their own conclusions. :P
Otherwise, you have a great start! Good luck with the rest of your story!!!Author's Response: Thankyou!!! I love you so much right now, reviews are awesome :D thanks for the tips on lyrics and my summary, I have looked at my summary and changed it. I didn't know what song-fics were, but I'm not going to add lyrics anymore, seeing as this isn't one..
Please keep reviewing, everything helps!!
xoxo Sqig Report Review
What a great story summary! And Eve has a nice, clear tone of voice that's fun to read. That was very well done.
I think though, that Eve's character could be improved by giving her some limitations to her 'power' of being able to read people. I understand that it's helpful to have her tell us 'James is bold and fearless' but I feel that simply having Eve tell us an action James did (he pretended to be a knight) is enough of a descriptor. Maybe it's because I'm coming from an RP mindset, but I wasn't too sure I liked having Eve say she could tell everyone was tense. I think Eve's power is interesting, but I'd like to see more specifically where the limits to it are.
Once again though, you have a fantastic writing voice and style that's clear and easy to read. Good luck with the rest of your story! :) Report Review
Aww, that was cute. George's thoughts were really well done in this. I think I might have liked to see a little more time-setting (how long after Battle of Hogwarts is this?) and why George is so anxious about seeing Angelina. I liked how you made Natasha pleasant, but I think it might have been nicer to not have George's friends dislike her so much. That way it'd stay consistent with Natasha's friendly actions towards them. Otherwise though, I thought the ending was really cute!
Good job!Author's Response: Hello!
We have never spoken before so its nice to meet you and thanks so much for reading and being the first reviewer! *Blushes*
George's thoughts are so hard to get down, especially in this stage of the story and I know, I should have done a bit better with my time-setting. Its a year after the Battle and I think I mentioned it somewhere around there but I probably didn't add enough detail so I take full blame.
Oh! I probably should have gone into more emphasis on WHY George is so anxious about seeing Angelina but this is taken from another story and I shouldn't have assumed everyone had read it. Sorry! I might go through and edit it, I'd typed it really quickly and hadn't taken alot of time with it like I normally would have. :p
Being lazy! Hahah.
The thing with Natasha is that she's pleasant but she's just...there. There's no depth to her at all with her relationship with George and you get a bit more of that in "This is Angelina". Again, I probably should have gone into more detail about it so my apologies! :D
Thanks so much for reading and liking this! Erm, please feel free to read more of my work and such! I love talking to new people!
Gabbie Report Review
Hi! What a nice start! I really liked the way Angelina and George greet each other in the morning--it seems so in character for them. :)
To help your story, I think maybe reading over it before submitting to the queue would be nice, just to catch sneaky typos and the like. I also think it'd be neat to see if George ever does find those earrings!
Great work for a first fic! Report Review
Haha, what a great start! I think your humor really shines through in Edie's asides to herself (I did a combination of a laugh and a facepalm at her pickup line).
Coincidentally, two things. One, a common catchphrase among me and my friends is 'make good life choices', so I thought that was funny. Two, I have a male RP character with the last name Ward, who I'd really like to put into journalism when he grows up...XD
I'll admit, I would have liked to see a little more story-action happen, but I understand that it's the first chapter and you're setting up the background. I'll look forward to seeing where you take this!Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review! That's funny about the similarities between yourself and this story--I like your catchphrase a little better, even ;)
I agree that the first chapter was a bit slow in terms of plot. The second chapter is going to be a bit more progressive in that light, I believe.
Thanks so much. Report Review
Ah! Great work so far! I'll be looking forward to reading that date with James! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I have the date in the queue right now :) Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Ah! So short but so sweet! The challenge is great, and what you've done with it is even better! I definitely feel that you did not waste words at all, and even though there was not much interaction between characters, you told a whole story about how Rose feels about Scorpius.
Plus, I loved how witty your story summary was, ahaha.
Good work!Author's Response: Hey there, thanks for the review!
The summery was actually the first thing I came up with for this story, and then I built everything up from there. Glad to hear that it does feel like an entire story even though it is so short!
Thanks again for taking the time to R&R! Report Review
I think of the stories I've read by you, this has to be my favorite. I love the song, and I think that the way you incorporated the lyrics into your story, as well as threaded into your narrative, was very well done. This writing is exceptionally tight, and the emotions faced by each character are raw, and distinguishable from each other. I actually don't think I have any criticism for this! It was beautifully written! Great work! 10/10!Author's Response: Wow, thank you very much for this wonderful review. I'm really glad that you liked it especially since Marauders era is not an era I normally write in. Thanks again for the feedback! Report Review
Wow. This piece was so clever! At first, I'll admit, I thought it was going to be a play off of A Christmas Carol, but I see now that it's entirely different. I like the flow of Narcissa's conversation with the other man. I thought it moved naturally along. I agree that of the Black sisters, Narcissa probably would have been the most hesitant to abandon Andromeda, and it was interesting to read how you thought she must have felt about it. While I think that the start of the story may have been a little slow (though the descriptions were beautiful), you really hit your stride when you got down to the memories. The entire concept of this is so well done, so congrats on an amazing story!Author's Response: Thank you very much for the wonderful review. I really appreciate it! Report Review
What an interesting story! I think you're off to a great start, and I like the way you've put the Slytherin student in the background for reading Salazar's story. I'd be curious to see if you manage to tie Joffrey's story with this one, as in, will Joffrey's character change from having read this?
I'll look forward to seeing where you go with it! Report Review
Agh, this was so sad! Deep down, a teeny part of me has always shipped Snily, and it's just sad it never worked out. But I guess Snape wouldn't be the way he is now without all that happening to him.
I like how honest this feels. I think it's got the right amount of raw emotion tucked in. I do think that it might be helped along with a little more elaboration or context.
Whatever the case, good work! :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you sooo much for reviewing!!!
And me too... Snily is something I will always love(:
And I agree, Lily made him the person he is!
Thank you so much, and I couldnt agree with you more, this is a pretty old piese, not my best ;P
Thank you so much for the review(:
Xxxx Report Review
Awww, that was so cute! I love a good Ron/Hermione! While I do think it's a tad unlikely that Cormac could've pulled off one of the Unforgivable curses, I do think that it was still a fun read nonetheless. Ron and Harry were spot on. The things they said were so funny and so them, haha. If you have the time, you might try re-reading for a small handful of typos, but otherwise, great work, Mistress!Author's Response: Haha, yeah it was a very AU fun story from a challenge, so I agree that it's way more than a tad unlikely. Just something written a looong time ago. Thanks so much! Report Review
Oh, I liked this! You do such a great job writing dialogue--it flows so neatly! And your transitions are so smooth! I'm jealous, lol.
I actually think that Dudley shouldn't really be to blame for not telling his children (and I would go so far as to say his wife) about magic, just for the sake of preserving the Statute of Secrecy. I always imagined that telling about magic was on a need-to-know basis for immediate family members, but that's okay.
I like how you made Dudley into a normal person, and not a mini version of Vernon. I also liked how Vernon, at the very end, came to accept Kaden was magical. That was so nice!
Good work, Ducky!Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad you think it flows so well! I love writing dialogue, and it is one of my strengths. Description...not so much! I always get jealous of people who can write long, beautiful descriptions.
The whole Statute of Secrecy thing was difficult to deal with when writing about Kaden being a wizard. I've never read anything canon that says just how far the 'families of wizards can know about magic' thing goes. You're probably right, that Dudley couldn't tell his kids about magic. But blaming Dudley worked well in this. ;)
I find Dudley an interesting character and after what we saw of him in Deathly Hallows, I think he matured a lot immediately after. Writing Vernon was difficult, so I'm glad you liked how that turned out. Thanks so much for the lovely review! :) Report Review
This was so cute. I love stories that ship Hufflepuffs and Slytherins, but that may be because I'm a super Helga/Salazar shipper, haha.
Good work with making Theodore seem like a real, normal person. I think in a lot of fanfic there's a push to make him an evil sort of character, and it's refreshing to read him as nonchalant about blood purity or anything. I think the storyline with Blaise was artfully done; I think if you had been less subtle, it would not have worked so well in this story. I like that Theodore doesn't really resolve what's going on with Blaise because I think that would overshadow Theodore's romance with Susan.
Good job! Thanks for sharing the story!Author's Response: Thank you very much for the thoughtful review. I really appreciate the feedback. I love writing stories about Theodore Nott and I love shipping Theodore and Susan. I'm glad you like my interpretation of Theodore because I find that he could be an intriguing character. Report Review
This was very tightly written. I like how smooth Tom's thought process is as he makes his walk to the Riddle estate. It follows a cool logic that makes sense for how Tom should act IC, so good job on that.
This: "Tom Riddle had measured the depth of his soul, and had found it was enough to live forever."
and this: At that moment, love became a flimsy, unreliable substance to Tom. Love didn't keep those you wanted to stay from leaving, didn't erase the past; love never wielded the scepter of power, or halted death.
Are two excellent lines that sum up this story beautifully. I think that the build up you presented to the line about love particularly helps to explain a lot about Tom that we learn in the series.
Again, you are fantastic at not wasting words. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you very much for the wonderful review. I'm really glad that you thought I kept Tom in character. His younger self can be harder to write. I appreciate the feedback. Report Review
This was so sweet! Good job! Report Review
Ah! Another fantastic story. I think it's interesting that you chose not reverse Harry and Neville, but to assign the fate of Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom to Susan Bones' parents instead. I do feel badly for Neville, and the fact that Harry has two perfectly whole, wonderful parents is a a little depressing, but at the same time, I liked that it didn't follow the usual 'what if Neville was the Chosen One' reversal pattern. I also laughed out loud when they talked about Neville having his father's nose. :P
Great work!Author's Response: Hi there! I kind of randomly assigned things here, not making everything polar opposites but throwing in some twists - like with Remus in Azkaban. I feel awful for poor Neville. He's not cut out for a life like this, especially in his younger days when his spine was on the weaker side. And admittedly I do not like Harry like this. I wanted to see what Harry might've been like if he'd been raised by his parents, pampered and loved and included in the magical community from day one.
Neville's father's nose, bahaha. Everyone makes such a big deal out of YOU HAVE YOUR MOTHER'S EYES, HARRY, so I thought it would be fun to tweak that. XD Report Review
This was so sweet! I loved the dynamic between Tonks and Charlie. It seems so fitting that they wouldn't realize they HAD found a genuine egg. I also liked how naturally they talk about OCs--they fit so seamlessly into this background.
Thanks for the great story!Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing! Hajari kind of came out of nowhere and stole some of the show, didn't he? :P Ahh, OC's. So glad you liked this!! Report Review
The concept behind this is interesting. I like that you chose to write the interaction between Voldemort and Fudge, and for a second there you had me thinking that Fudge's outbursts against Dumbledore actually WERE a plot conspired with Voldemort.
I do think that there are some improvements that could be made--mostly technical things. For one, when posting stories up, either remember to post as plain text (which will prevent formatting issues such as the big spaces between paragraphs) or to use the simple editor (which is my preference, because when I type I simply write in the code for italics and bold). I think another proofread would be good for this as well, because your tenses switch back and forth between past and present, which can be distracting at times.
Besides that though, I thought your Fudge was spot on, and that Voldemort was well written. Good job! Report Review
Ah, hello again!
I really like what you've done with this chapter--I think I said it last time, but I'll say it again--your dialogue is very well written! This chapter was fluffy, but absolutely adorable. :) Eloise and Justin have a great dynamic that I'm excited to see develop!
As for criticism, I did get a little confused with the time jumps, but that could easily be fixed in the future.
Otherwise, great job!Author's Response: Hello again to you too! :D I'm glad you came back! :)
Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it! :) Dialogue-- haha, actually it's funny you mention that, because I've always thought my dialogue to be pretty unrealistic. English isn't my first language, so we don't really converse in that; hence writing in the popular lingo is a tad difficult. But hearing that from you seriously made my day! It's good to hear it isn't as bad as I think! :)
Yes, Eloise and Justin look cute together, don't they? (does that sound conceited?).
Oh, I'm sorry that was confusing. I was actually trying my hand at writing flashbacks without changing the tense or italising the text. I'll try to make that flow better; thanks for pointing that out!
Thanks again for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
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